Audrina: The Price of Extreme Fame

Welcome back to the impossibly dull life of Audrina.  Seriously, I have about 9,567 more things going on than she does, so let’s quickly pretend Dreeny has a life and talk about it.

First, she’s headed to NYC to shoot the Marie Claire feature, which she tells us is “a day in the life of Audrina”.  Real proud.

In other words, three editorial pages of acid washed tumbleweed?

I don’t really know how to judge the shoot, cause I just don’t think modeling is that hard.  She seems to do fine.  But any posing issues are explained away by the fact that Corey the psycho boyfriend is back and her “mind and time are consumed”.  Boyfriend, work, it’s a real juggling act.

She tells us she’s trying to take her “career” more in the direction of fashion.  I really can’t imagine what the hell she means by this, and heaven help me I have actually thought about it.  Bitchy British Editor already anointed her cheesy, she’s over 14 so she can’t do runway – I mean, what is she thinking?  Specifically, what is she thinking?

Bitchy British Stylist Girl likes Audrina, and especially likes that she was able to transform her.  Ha.  Psycho Corey is busy texting her.  First the texts are sweet.  And then, like all wifebeaters, he does a 180 and starts accusing her of being too busy flirting with guys on set to text her back.  “Having a boyfriend in Australia is hard,” says the simple girl.

She gets back to LA and picks Corey up at the airport.  Something about him really bugs me.  And I generally really like Australian men.  He dutifully asks her how things are at home, and guess what?  There’s been drama with Casey.

Seriously, Oprah couldn’t have picked a worse time.  She would have been all over this celebrity family feud.

And after Corey does his job and asks about the family, he tells her that he doesn’t want to talk about it. Nor does he want to talk about her upcoming shoot for Funny or Die.  “I don’t know what the fuck’s going on, but get your day done and get home,” he bitches.  Which naturally leads to yet another exasperated you-go-girl speech about how Audrina’s too busy with her career to worry about his feelings.

She ends up shooting at Pratt Whitney, where she portrays a rocket scientist.  I’m not going to bother making a joke about that because I’m guessing Funny or Die was doing it for me.  She tours around and looks extremely confused.  “You have to be really smart to work here,” she notes.

She runs her lines and it goes pretty terribly.  And what’s worse is her cellphone buzzing away in her purse.  Every time it vibrates, she looks up and loses her focus. She complains about how it’s all Corey’s fault that she can’t concentrate because he knew she had to memorize her lines and get into character.

You’re not even a little bit embarrassed that “getting into character” means acting smart?

“I hate it!” she says with a smile that tells us she loves it.  Because if she didn’t, she would simply turn off the fucking phone.

She shoots the scene and messes up a lot.  For crying out loud, would a beginning acting class kill her?  Oh, but it’s not the fact that she has no discernible talent.  At all.  It’s because Corey’s calling and texting her constantly.  But don’t worry, she’s not gonna change because he’s unhappy.  She tells us she needs to choose relationship or career.  Um, she could also choose to just dump this asshole.  That could be an option.

And stop calling whatever you’re doing a career.  It’s insulting.

Next up is a family trip to the shooting range.  The most interesting thing about this little adventure is that the gun teacher looks like Jerry Garcia.

If I knew the way, I would take you home.

Forgive me for quoting the Grateful Dead in an Audrina recap.  Moving on, everyone is predictably scared about Drunken Shrew getting hold of a gun.  But she does fine.  She tells us that she’d like to be able to have “self protection” in the case of an earthquake.  Because, you see, if there was an earthquake, there would be looters.  And the looters would be wanting her food and water, so she wants to be able to shoot them.

You live in Orange County.  They would have to bus the looters in.

They joke about how Drunken Shrew almost shot some guy named Charlie’s foot off once.  Of course everyone is sure to mention how much they missed Casey at the gun range.  And they say that no one’s heard from her.  Actually, Drunken Shrew says she’s called and texted and pleaded.  Cut to Casey, spending the day riding a teacup ride with her girlfriends.

So I’m the Carrie and you’re the Charlotte and she’s the Miranda.

The girlfriends also do their jobs and ask what’s going on which leads to yet another conversation about “the family dinner from hell”.  And according to Casey, they’re not talking to her.  Well, someone’s lying. Does anyone care?

Casey says she’s tired of always having to be the one to apologize, and she’s also tired of Audrina always taking Drunken Shrew’s side, no matter what. The friends say that Casey seems like a much happier person since she’s been with Kyle Looza, and Casey reminds yet again that she’s “removing myself from the situation” with her family.

There’s another dinner at the Patridge’s.  The topic is still Casey.  Grandma and Grandpa Patridge are even in on the act.

When do we get our show?

Drunken Shrew is in the kitchen with Audrina asking how things are going with Corey.  Well, now he’s got a problem with her Facebook.  He either wants her password or he wants her to delete her account.  Then she tells us that there are some things “behind the scenes” that we don’t know about.  Isn’t this a reality show?  What scenes are there for things to be going on behind?

I thought the white backdrop meant we were seeing everything exposed?

Well, Audrina told Corey that he could go through her phone if she could go through his.  And she found what she describes as “raunchy” naked photos of girls.  My mother would have immediately kicked his ass out of our house, but Drunken Shrew thinks some Mike Brady-lite type advice is the way to go.

“Don’t get in a love hate relationship.”  Followed by, “Hold on.” And the old standy, “Be true to yourself.”  Then she advises that, “The balls in his court.” And finally, “You can’t go through this again.”

Everything I need to know about parenting I learned from an embroidered pillow.

Audrina tells us that she never wanted to be the girl who was a recluse because of what her boyfriend wants, and she’s “see-ink” herself starting to do that, and she doesn’t like what she’s “see-ink”.   This girl’s been treated by garbage by about 7 different dudes.  And that’s just how many were televised.  But she’s worried about being the girl who’s a recluse.

They start the dinner and PaDrina makes a prayer for Casey to come home.  Well, maybe for a very special Christmas episode.  They ask about the brother Marky’s girlfriend who he has recently broken up with, and of course Audrina drags out the old “dunzo”.  Then the conversation moves to Audrina and Corey.  He jokes that they’re getting married.  Then he sucks up and tells them how they all feel like family to him. And then, he digs in his heels and says he’s not going anywhere.

At least not while cameras are rolling, mate.

The doorbell rings.  “It’s not Casey, is it?” demands Drunken Shrew.  Gee, I hope not.  After all your alleged calling and texting and pleading, it would be a real shame if she showed up for dinner now.  But it’s not Casey – it’s a magnum of champagne.  “Corey, did you send this?” she asks.  Ha.  Ha.  And no, he did not.

It’s from the International Polo Club in Palm Beach, where Mark Burnett is surely a member.  The Patridges have no idea what polo is.  Drunken Shrew says it’s like Polo for Men.  You know, the kind you buy in the fancy section of CVS.  “They ride horses and hit the ball leaning down,” states Audrina authoritatively.

Corey makes a toast to Audrina with the champagne that was sent by an actual team of other men, which I did kind of like.  But it doesn’t mean he gets to be her plus-one at the event.  She tells us that she actually needs some space from Corey.  Interesting, considering he lives in Australia.

Well, next week we’re off to Palm Beach for some more boring out of context stuff that doesn’t make sense.  But will surely be crazy busy.