Audrina – The Slowest Fastlane On Earth

Last week’s Audrina ended in a dramatic cliffhanger, with Audrina’s Mom, the Drunken Shrew yelling and screaming and swearing about her great love for her grandchildren, while Casey threatened to cut off contact completely and the rest of the Patridges sat around, observed the action and mentally patted themselves on the back for being part of such riveting television.

A groundbreaking glimpse into celebrity family life.

And we pick up exactly where we left off.  Casey’s husband, Kyle Looza, leaves with his hoodie and a casual ”see you guys later”, which sets Drunken Shrew off on a whole new monologue of nonsense.  She screams at Looza that he’s a coward, and Audrina finally snaps out of out it and pushes DS out of the way when it is clear that this rabid psycho is going to attack twig-like Looza.  All while continuing to accessorize with an adorable dog.

Stop it!  You’re upsetting the puppy!

Outside the house, Casey and Looza are freaking out, a little overly dramatically for my taste.  Looza informs us that he’s shaking, and Casey keeps saying she’s not putting her kids around that.  They tell us that Looza has a great family, and Casey says they don’t need this. Back inside, Drunken Shrew is calling Looza a coward and a worm and banning him from her house forever.

Banished!  And in Looza’s case, possibly high.

“It’s done,” recites Audrina, as though that settles it.  Outside, Casey says she has more class than Drunken Shrew.  Inside, all DS has to say is “Fuck Kyle. And Casey.”  And somehow, she has the rest of the idiotic Patridges on her side!

“Sometimes she get so worked up and says things without a filter and that’s not right,” simpers Audrina like a second grader reading an essay about being a good citizen.  Drunken Shrew has transitioned efforlessly from screaming banshee to Mommy Martyr.

“My heart is breaking,” she sobs.  Audrina and her moron brother says how unappreciative Casey is and how much it upsets everyone else.  PaDrina handily excuses DS for her wretched behavior with the logic that at least she says what she says to people’s face and not behind their backs.   Either these are the stupidest people alive, or Drunken Shrew is the devil.

The next day, DS gets another reward for bad behavior.   Apparantly, the prize for getting wasted and ruining a family dinner is…a diamond ring!  PaDrina tells us that he wants to make DS happy.  Why?  She’s so great at being miserable.  She tells us that she wants to get on with her life, but she also wants her daughter back.  So, add a little schizo to that cocktail of crazy she’s got brewing in her head.

“It’s a good thing it didn’t get any worse,” says PaDrina seriously, as though things just “got” bad by themselves.  Like there was no raging psychopath screaming like a truck driver in an argument about a three year old.  Drunken Shrew cries in front of the white screen about how upset she is about the Casey fight.

Even if you weren’t you, I still can’t feel sorry for anyone who would torture me with this eyeshadow.

In the jewelry store, Drunken Shrew tries on many large diamond rings.  She seems more concerned about a box that lights up than the actual diamond.

I wore my finest Lee Press Ons for the occasion.

Then it’s time for, wait what’s that girl’s name again?  The one who the show’s named after? Oh right, Audrina.  Her life is so crazy, we’ve spent the first quarter of the show on a family fight that she stayed out of and her parents on a shopping trip.  Hard to keep up.

So Drina’s having relationship troubles.  Her boyfriend wants her to change her phone number, but she doesn’t want to. Well, these are certainly serious  issues.  Phone numbers can make or break a relationship.  But in this case, the problem is that he doesn’t trust her.  I’m not sure how changing her phone number is going to combat that, though.  If she’s so shady, wouldn’t she just give out her new number?  I guess Audrina’s not really into brainy guys.

I flip around through the air on a tiny bicycle for a living!

But, enough of that because we have new drama.   Audrina’s assistant Michelle, who I recongnize as one of the Talbot’s girls from her big night on the town, is moving back to the east coast.  Audrina’s bummed.  How will she find a new Michelle?

I know.  Milquetoast is like a rare gem.

Then it’s time for more exposistion about a) the family and b) an upcoming trip to Vegas.  Audrina and her brother Marky do this at Madison, which for all my commentary on Audrina’s “style”  is actually one of my favorite stores in LA! Although I do think it’s totally fucking creepy to go clothes shopping with your brother, much less try on stripper shoes in front of him. Drina throws out a few more “I”m done”s with respect to the family drama, Casey gets blamed a little bit more and then they decide to go to Vegas.  Scene.

So, at least once an episode we get a speech  by someone about how crazy busy Audrina’s life is, or about how famous she is.  It’s like a little present.  Today, we learn that the real trip behind the trip to Vegas is “the pressure of my career in Hollywood”.

I”m sorry – so to my understanding, most of your, um, career is basically hanging out in at parties in Vegas.  So naturally the best way to unwind from that is…to party in Vegas.

This is how it works.  When they make you take a picture with a drink in your hand, it’s work.  When just get to drink the drink without taking a picture first, then it’s relaxation.  And let me tell you…I really crave that downtime.

They take a  private jet to Vegas, casue Drina’s a baller, yo!  Unfortunately, the jet’s more of a refurbished Barbie dream plane from 1979, and they’re all pretty squashed in there.  They check into the hotel, have dinner and Audrina reminds us how great it is to not have any work or family drama.   Audrina in LA is on a schedule.  But Audrina in Vegas has no rules!

Pointing / Dancing makes me feel so freeeeeee!!!

Well, the best laid plans.  Cause right when we hear about how stress free the night is, she checks her phone and and apparantly her stalker boyfriend has interpreted her not texting him back as a clear sign that she’s with other guys.  But Vegas Audrina isn’t going to let that get her down!  She keeps drinking and dancing and makes a speech about her assistant/friend Michelle.   Meanwhile, the crazy boyfriend is “blowing up” her phone.

Please.  “Blowing up” died an ugly death in that garbage bag girl’s song.  You’re hardly the one to bring it back.

And he’s all over Marky’s phone too, and he is not saying nice things.  But that’s okay, cause if we employ the same logic we use with Drunken Shrew, we realize that he just doesn’t have a filter sometimes.  And hey, at least he’s calling her a slutty cheater behind her back.  Actually, now that I really think about it…

Well, then he deserves a diamond!

Back in LA, Marky and Audrina meet Drunken Shrew and PaDrina for dinner.  Someone orders oysters,  which of course leads to all the predictable joking about the aphrodisiac power of the oyster.  And of course Drunken Shrew can barely pronounce “aphrodisiac”, she has to sound it out.  Then she plays innocent and calls it “the sex fish or some-pin’”. And of course, we’re all supposed to think the dumb, drunk, backwoods  lady is cute.

I know how reality TV works.

So the dinner is nothing more than yet another expository setup, to once again talk about Casey, and present Drunken Shrew with her anniversary present.  PaDrina brings up the idea of a spontaneous family vacation, to which Audrina – true to plot – wonders  ”how can it be a family vacation without Casey?”

Audrina once again whines that she just wants her family back together.  But get this – Drunken Shrew does not want Casey and Looza at the river house!  Holy porkrinds, they have  a river house?  It’s probably been in Drunken Shrew’s family for ages.  She was probably birthed in a swamp, covered in barnacles.  I know that sounds crazy, but it’s actually quite a realistic visual.

And then we wrap up the other pressing storyline of the night, when Drunken Shrew is presented with the most well deserved piece of jewelry in the history of the world.  She’s happy, the kids are happy, and Audrina just hopes she can find a man like PaDrina someday.

Next week, Corey’s back, but something tells me Audrina might not have time in her crazy busy life for him, he might get the wrong idea and be mean to her, and she might be “done”.  I don’t know where I get these premonitions from.