Gasmii, P-Baby here with some new found writing inspiration after watching 2 hours of Golden Globes red carpet with some really abysmal dress choices (Natalie Portman. You already have a wedlock baby bump, a new engagement, and an intolerable sense of entitlement. Wearing a pastel colored dress with gigantic sparkling rose between your lactating dirty pillows does not endear you to me. Also, tell your fiancee Benjamin Fancy Feet to brush his goddamn hair.), 3 hours of awards show with some really poor senses of humor (Robert Downey Jr. You literally spent 85% of the past 3 decades strung out on something. Just because you won a Golden Globe last year for an adequate movie does not mean you don’t have to laugh at yourself anymore. I also mistakenly thought you shot Kelly Preston in the arm. Turns out that was Charlie Sheen. If I get you and Charlie Sheen mixed up in my memory bank, then you deserve to be made fun of.), and countless hours of blog cruising afterwards. My awards season obsession is at a fever pitch and only increasing as Oscar nomination announcements inch closer. I’ve got to say, I liked Ricky Gervais before this year’s Golden Globes. The aftermath? I worship the man like the evil tubby British bastard that he is.
I know I said we’d get to True Grit next in my Awards Season coverage but I don’t feel like it because the Globes snubbed it and I’m just not in the mood. Plus, I just bought The Social Network on blu-ray. Fun P-Baby fact. The Social Network was my first ever blu-ray purchase, along with Inception and Despicable Me. In another year minus the existence of Toy Story 3, I think Despicable Me could have gone all the way. Fucking Tim Allen.
Before I get on to the juggernaut that is the Justin Timberlake starring film The Social Network (Seriously. I have to ask. Who’d have thought after Model Behavior that he not only would he be an Emmy winning performer but one of the stars of arguably the year’s best picture? Sure as shit not this one. PS. I still liked Inception better. Having trouble with the 2.5 hours run time? Fast forward through the parts where Ellen Page is being annoying.), I just want to throw out there that I’m officially obsessed with Andrew Garfield, who just knocked Christian Bale out of my Hollywood Top 5. Christian Bale is one pair of gladiator sandals short of Jesus so he had to know that an exile from the list was imminent. Andrew might have been the cutest thing ever when he stumbled over his little British accent and couldn’t say inspiring. So, Andrew Garfield, I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt that you do in fact possess a grasp on the English language and instructing you to call me.
So seeing that The Social Network is lining up to be the flick to beat over the next month or so, I feel it is a suitable topic matter for the task at hand.
We all know Mark Zuckerberg and Facebook and billions of dollars are all synonymous with The Social Network so just pretend you 1. Haven’t seen the movie 2. Don’t know the story or 3. Don’t have a Facebook account. And finally 4. Have crawled out from whatever cave you’ve been living in since 2004 and decided to read my recap.
In The Social Network, Jesse Eisenberg stars as Mark Zuckerberg, Rain Man computer nerd that goes to Harvard and has trouble getting and keeping girlfriends. The problem is, even though Jesse Eisenberg is the guy next door that’s smart as a whip, dorky cute, and sure to be rich in ten years or less, Mark Zuckerberg could be all these things but instead is a total douche bomb. His super cute girlfriend dumps his ass after some insensitive remarks and in the aftermath, he gets the idea to create a Harvard Hot or Not. Guys, remember HotorNot.com? (Side note: I just checked. It still exists, against all odds. That shit has been around for at least a decade. Those dudes probably hate Facebook even more than My Space does.)
After being struck with his genius idea, Mark does some fancypants hacking into the varying residence hall databases, subsequently forces his totally squeezable Spidey sense friend Eduardo to give him some loser algorithm that ranks chess players, and completes his FaceMash website allowing the male students to pass judgement on the looks of the female student population. Let us not forget we are talking about the Harvard student body so even though Eduardo is fucking awesome and shoots spider webs from his hands, the rest of the male population pretty much looks like this.
After Harvard’s server or whatever technology runs college crashes due to FaceMash overload, word gets out about Mark’s involvement in and he receives 6 months of academic probation. Too late for Harvard as Mark’s notoriety is already being heavily discussed, specifically by these two, Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss. (Or 1, since there weren’t actually twins slotted in this role. Guy’s name is Armie Hammer and he’s total eye candy AND surprisingly good in this movie. A tall, blonde drink of water who can actually act not named Ryan Gosling? Color me surprised. Bonus points for the kick ass name. He will literally be the cutest old man alive in 60 years.)
The Winklevii (This nickname is amazing. Props, Aaron Sorkin.) along with partner Divya Narendra are seeking Mark’s computer savvy skills to help develop their own computer project called Harvard Connection. Mark’s all, “Why not? I got shit else to do, I wear these Adidas slides in the snow, and I’m a genius so let’s do this thing,” and the Winklevii are like, “Bangin’.”
Shortly after this meeting of the minds, Mark goes to Eduardo who’s been kind of hard to pin down thus far due to using his Spidey suit to bone down on freshmen. Mark tells Eduardo about this amazing brainstorm he has about something called “thefacebook” that will be for Harvard students exclusively, allowing them to over share personal facts and post slutty pictures of themselves in Spring Break bikinis all the while “poking” people they think are cute. Seriously, that shit is nasty. Who thought that was the proper verbiage? Eduardo believes thefacebook to be a solid investment and agrees to provide $1000 seed money to start the project. What kind of college student has $1000 to just give to a friend? I could have really used that when I lived on microwave popcorn the week before Christmas break freshman year. Thanks for nothing, Eduardo. I’d still do you.
I forgot to mention there is this side plot going throughout with Eduardo gaining entry into this stupid society type thing called the Phoenix S-K club and an underlying tone of jealousy between Mark and Eduardo about the whole thing. I don’t know why Mark is jealous about this because I think societies are kind of stupid, pretentious and unnecessary, and if he’s going to be jealous about something, he really is targeting the wrong thing.
Anyway, Eduardo distributes the link to thefacebook to his society losers and it spreads like herpes among the student body. Keep in mind that while thefacebook was in development, Mark used every trick in the book to stall the Winklevii from working on their Harvard Connection site. The Winklevii catch wind of thefacebook and quickly realize that good looks, brains, athletic prowess, and money are not enough to avoid getting totally fucked by a computer nerd. At this point, Tyler and Divya want to sue Mark for intellectual property but Cameron’s a pussy and wants to settle it like gentleman. Bitch, you are out 1 multi-billion dollar idea. Stop with the gentleman bullshit and get after that ass.
Since this is a movie, our cute male leads of course need to be shown banging something. In a Bill Gates lecture, Eduardo and Mark get macked on by Disney ho Brenda Song and her friend, who inform them to facebook her so she can give them blow jobs later. The dudes are impressed that facebook has already become a verb in its short life and as expected, Eduardo helps himself to some of that Asian sensation. Brenda’s friend does the deed with Mark despite not knowing anything about facebook because she’s not smart enough to go to Harvard, thus inspiring him to expand the website to other schools.
As thefacebook continues on its path of world dominance expanding to more schools in the north east (I remember first hearing about this thing my junior year of college. I had like 26 friends and not everyone could join due to availability at their school. My wall was one big block of space where anyone could write anything and there were no status updates, photo albums, etc. I did manage to have a pretty steamy rendezvous with the captain of the soccer team at my school thanks to Facebook flirting so I guess it’s not such a terrible thing after all.) the Winklevii grow more and more irritated seeing what they believe to be their love child advancing without them. Cameron still won’t sue and instead decides to use Harvard’s Code of Conduct against Mark, going as far as to use family connections to meet with the Harvard President. Poor move, Cameron. That old bat does not give one or two shits about something called thefacebook. He hustles the Winklevii out the door and goes back to wiping the porn off his hard drive.
So the Disney Ho is now Eduardo’s official girlfriend and after using her connections, gets Eduardo and Mark a meeting with Napster co-founder and Boy Band extraordinaire Sean Parker, played decently by Justin Timberlake. Side note: A lot has been said about Justin Timberlake in this particular role. I shudder at the thought that his name was even tossed around as a potential Oscar nominee for supporting actor. Thank the sweet baby Jesus (or Christian Bale…interesting seeing as Bale is probably going to win that sucker in a few weeks) that appears to not be panning out. The guy is decent at best in this movie and I’m pretty hard pressed to believe acting like a rich pompous asshole was that much of a stretch for him. Now, if he takes on a role in which he plays a simple, humble man who remains faithful to his wife and doesn’t try and stick it in every attractive brunette that saunters by, that’s got Oscar written all over it.
During the meeting, Sean plies his minions with delicious food and alcohol, basically charming the pants off of the Disney Ho and Mark. My little standoffish arachnid Eduardo is put off by Sean’s bad reputation both professionally and personally and ends up being accused of jealousy by the Disney ho. I don’t believe Eduardo’s feelings of contempt are motivated by jealousy and are most likely stemming from the fact that Sean gives off a “I drive a rape van on the weekends,” vibe. Mark’s apparent wisdom does not afford him the ability to see through piles of bullshit and bonds with Sean over a shared vision of thefacebook. On a final note from their first introduction, Sean recommends dropping “the” from the title of facebook, giving us just a peak at that brilliant mind that got a bunch of people in trouble for illegal downloading.
So some time passes and stuff happens and Mark decides to follow another one of Sean’s suggestions, moving the home station of Facebook out to Palo Alto, California. Eduardo decides his spidey senses will do more good in New York, hanging back in the city to pursue advertising support for Facebook. At this point in the movie, I’m pretty hot for Eduardo, but aside from all that, I totally am starting to feel bad for him because he’s obviously going to get fucked. As soon as Mark, Facebook, and his $1000 investment moved across the country, shit was not going to go in his favor. He’s smart enough to realize this so we’ll chalk that oversight up to actually believing in the good of others.
Eduardo finally realizes he better get his skinny little ass to California before he’s cut out completely and is really pissed off to find Sean’s slime trail all over everything. Turns out Sean moved in with Mark and on top of that, is actually making business related decisions regarding Facebook. After seeing that he has unwittingly invested in a 12 year old and Satan, Eduardo finds the balls that the Winklevii have been looking for this whole time and freezes the company bank account upon his return to New York. Mark’s all, “What the fuck, Eduardo?” to which Eduardo says, “Suck it, bean bag,” and then Mark says, “Fuck you and your cobweb bullshit. I got my own investors anyway.”
PS. On top of all the backstabbing, money grubbing friends totally fucking him, Eduardo and the Disney Ho break up because she’s a psycho hose beast. She got all whacked out because Eduardo’s Facebook status still said single and she believes him to be cheating.
Let’s return to the Winklevii for a moment. Those two chowderheads are off in England doing whatever it is ivy league students do, rowing a boat with lots of other dudes, grunting and sweating all over themselves. I went to a Big Ten school that regularly featured coeds falling out of frat house windows. Needless to say, not many in my crowd developed billion dollar websites and traveled internationally to row boats. We did, however, put down an unhealthy amount of Natty Light and pee on everything. The Winklevii are distressed to find out while in England that Facebook is now available at universities internationally. That finally puts a fire under Cameron’s ass and they decide to sue Mark.
Meanwhile, back in the States, Facebook is growing at an obnoxious pace (Side note: I totally just updated my status mid-recap. Mark Zuckerberg 1, P-Baby 0) and Eduardo heads back to Palo Alto to find out where the hell all the money is. Turns out, his contract previously signed with Sean Parker’s investors permitted them to dilute his share of the company from 24% or 34% (I don’t know. Wiki is giving me conflicting answers.) to 3 hundredths of a percent. Anyway you look at it, that is royally fucked. Eduardo rightfully loses his mind and turns into black suit Spidey, entrapping Mark in a poisonous web of silk, setting him on fire and pushing him off the roof. None of that really happens but it would have been more than awesome if it had. Instead, Eduardo tells Mark he better use his 9 trillions dollars and get himself a lawyer because shit is about to get real. Oh, and by the way Mark? Your friend Sean? Just got himself and a bunch of Facebook interns arrested for cocaine possession. Next time, trust your real homeboy’s spidey senses and stay away.
So throughout this whole thing, Mark is shown in the process of two lawsuits courtesy of Eduardo and the Winklevii. It frames the basis for this whole story and in the end, we find out Eduardo is going to be A-OK because he was the recipient of an unknown settlement, given back 7% ownership of Facebook and earned his claim back as co-creator of the site. Which means he has a shit ton of money. And still gets laid. The Winklevii got a bunch of money too. The point is, all of these assholes probably would have been fine without Facebook. I just read on Wiki that the real Eduardo invested $300,000 in the oil industry in college. The fuck? I was totally NOT hooking up with the right dudes in college.
Gasmii, The Social Network was one of the best movies I watched all year, and probably in the past five years (Inception was still better. And because I feel this way, I am positive it will win between only 0 and 2 Oscars this year when it should be so much more.) And no, it wasn’t just because of the eye candy. Excellent film score, acting, fast paced dialogue, and excellent story telling all made this so, so good. And beneath all of that, it’s a fascinating character study. See it, at least before the Oscars. That way you’ll understand why it keeps winning everything.