2008 Emmys: We All Are Tina Fey’s Bitch

Another year, another Emmys, and another 3+ hours of my life I’ll never get back…

Can you feel the excitement?

7:00: So we’re opening with a segment of various actors delivering famous TV catchphrases of characters other than ones they’ve played themselves. It’s cute. John Krasinski saying Joey Tribbiani’s “How you doin?” cracks me up because, well, John is adorable and could pretty much make fart noises and drool on himself and make me straddle him smile. The whole cast of Everybody Loves Raymond does Peter Boyle’s “Holy Crap!”, which is a touching tribute. The segment ends on an extreme low note for me, with William Shatner and James Spader getting the last catchphrase. Looks like my Emmys/Boston Legal rage will be starting early this year.

7:01: Oh God, Oprah’s the first one to take the stage. There are reasons I don’t watch the Daytime Emmys, and avoiding dealing with your arrogance is one of them. Rage continuing. Alec Baldwin looks just as thrilled as I do.

“Oh great, another thoughtless little pig.”

7:02: Oprah’s still yapping, and in a singsong voice to boot. Resisting…urge…to…fast forward…

Devout Church of Oprah worshippers.

7:03: She just plugged her own book club, and slyly brags about the power it has to influence people. See commentary at 7:01. Her jokes are all falling flat, haha. Glenn Close looks annoyed, like she’s going to boil Oprah’s bunny. Or maybe Gayle.

7:04: She’s finally done! Out come our actual hosts — Ryan Seacrest, Tom Bergeron, Heidi Klum, Howie Mandel, and Jeff Probst. Heidi’s wearing a suit and looks better than all the dudes. Probst looks short and awkward without his khaki-jungle motif. I’d still bang him though.

7:05: Well this is chaos, but amusing chaos nonetheless. Mandel, Probst, and Seacrest are figuratively comparing their dick size. I’d put my money on Mandel in a literal contest. Probst is too short and we all know Seacrest has a vagina.

7:06: Damn Ted Danson looks old. Oh and Mandel just dropped a Palin joke. I enjoy mocking that twit as much as the next Democrat, but let’s leave the politics out of one evening, mmkay?

7:08: Aggh, William Shatner again! And he just stripped Heidi Klum — whose accent is going to hell as she’s talking faster and getting excited. Love it. How can this woman have had three kids? God damn.

Fat Bitch is right, Flipit.

7:09: Tina Fey just called Amy Poehler “Emmy” by accident. Calm down, Tina, I’d be shocked if you don’t get your hands on one of those tonight. Tina’s hair looks a little bizarre, like she had a quickie backstage. I bet it was Piven. I’ve seen him at a few bars here in Chicago, and he’s pure class. Although Tina’s probably a decade or two older than his preference.

7:10: First award — best supporting actor in a comedy series. Jon Cryer from Two and a Half Men better not get it. I hate Emmy’s love of that shit almost as much as I hate their love of Boston Legal. If he wins, this may be the entire recap you guys are gonna get. My vote’s for Neil Patrick Harris. Talented, hilarious, and so very yummy. Damn I wish he were straight. Although I’d be totally down with Rainn Wilson, too.

7:11: Nooooo Jeremy Piven! By all accounts, Entourage sucked this year. Third consecutive win! Why the hell do the Emmy voters always get in these ruts? His acceptance speech makes no sense, but I think he just insulted all roofers. Please, someone get him with some hot tar or a nail gun or something.

7:12: Okay, he just redeemed himself by talking shit on Oprah. All right, Piven, next time I see you with some jailbait sitting on your lap, I won’t whisper to my friends what a disgusting pig you are. Seeing as though Oprah’s probably arranging to have you drawn and quartered as we speak, I feel comfortable making that promise.

7:16: I’m a Seinfeld fan, but can anyone explain to me why we’re watching clips of a show that went off the air 10 years ago? Time wasters have reached a new level of randomness.

7:17: This is just reminding me how funny Jerry Seinfeld was in this show, and how unfunny he is in those Microsoft ads.

7:18: I love Julia-Louis Dreyfus, although her dress makes her look like salmon sashimi.

7:19: Best supporting actress in a comedy series. I’m rooting for Vanessa Williams or Amy Poehler here.

7:20: Jean Smart from Samantha Who?, okay, I’m cool with that. I really like that show. She looks awesome, by the way. Good mix of covering up the old lady wrinkly parts yet still looking sexy. She gets the first get-the-fuck-off-the-stage music of the night.

7:25: Heidi looks she stapled a chef’s hat to her chest and is calling it the bodice of a dress. I bet Pleather made that. Have Probst’s dimples always been this deep? You could actually hide the immunity idol in one of those.

7:26: Heidi’s starting to garble again, but I think I heard “verklempt” in there, which makes me love her even more. What I don’t love is watching this virtual advertisement for Desperate Housewives.

7:27: Wow, did the core four have a worst-dressed contest on the DH set this summer? Marcia Cross looks like Crackhead Ballerina Barbie, whereas Terri Hatcher came dressed as a banana. Felicity Huffman, whom I think is attractive, couldn’t look less feminine if she was in full hair and makeup for Transamerica 2. And whether she’s knocked up or really did gain the weight just for the role, Eva Longoria Parker’s WT shiny dress isn’t doing her any favors.

7:28: Best supporting actor in a drama series. If Michael Emerson doesn’t win this, I will shit a brick. And if William Shatner does, I will then throw it through my TV.

7:29: Zeljko Ivanek? Who? Now what do I do with this brick? Awwwwkward…

7:30: Ricky Gervais — proving that a nice accent can’t make everyone attractive. See also: Amy Winehouse, aka the missing link.

7:31: Oh David Hyde Pierce, winning that Emmy DID mean you will never work again evidently.

7:32: Ah yes, the chick who lost her thank you speech in her gigantic breasts. I feel your pain, sister. I lost my cat last week, and I fear he may be in a similar position. Kitty, are you down there?

7:34: Ricky Gervais is raping Steve Carrell and it’s kinda arousing awesome.

7:35: Production award that most of you probably went to pee during…

7:36: So outstanding directing of a variety show goes to Colonel Sanders’ and John Madden’s love child. Awesome.

7:42: I’m not a big Conan fan, but that was a fantastic Katherine Heigl slam. I’d almost forgotten how much I want to set her on fire.

7:43: Best supporting actress in a drama series. Hmm, I still dislike Rachel Griffiths too much from Six Feet Under, and I refuse to support anything Boston Legal-related although I love Candice Bergen. Sandra Oh and Chandra Wilson barely did anything on Grey’s this past season, and I’ve never seen In Treatment or that Dianne chick before so… go Dianne?

7:44: Dianne Wiest wins. Yay?

7:45: Jennifer “I Love my body… but quick, let me lose 30 pounds!” Hewitt and the hot midget from Heroes are presenting outstanding writing for a variety, music, or comedy program. Agggh, Dr. Phil is somehow getting camera time in here. If there’s anything I dislike more than arrogant Oprah, it’s an arrogant Oprah protoge. Dr. Phil used to come on after my favorite soap opera in college, Passions, and I would dive for the remote as quickly as possible to avoid even an instant of watching that doofus. I’d sometimes bang my knee into the side of my desk or other furniture, but the saved mental anguish was worth it.

“Hayden, wait for me!”

“Move your ass, tubbo!”

7:46: Hehe, the SNL writers used Wii Sports miis as their pictures. Okay, SNL is my favorite to win just based on that.

7:47: The Colbert Report won, no surprise there. And Colbert’s getting the GTFOTS music.

7:49: Oh no, it’s the accountants with some Deal or No Deal tramps. Haha, the lady accountant looks like she wants to shove her tramp off the stage. DO IT. Probst is eyeing the tramps. Since dating a realty tv tramp worked out so well for you the first time.

7:51: What the hell is Steve Martin babbling about? Oh I think it’s a lifetime achievement type thing, meaning the winner will likely be too old for me to know who he is.

7:53: Obligatory standing ovation for the old guy no one recognizes.

7:54: I think Chuck Bass wore that same tie on last week’s Gossip Girl. I’m impressed, Gramps. But you’re still talking, and that’s an issue.

7:55: Oh shit, he’s getting political. He’s talking about about people who won’t shut up, yet I don’t think he gets the irony…

7:56: Agggggggggh

8:01: Josh Groban looks like a ferret on crystal meth. Holy shit.

8:03: The Baywatch theme song had lyrics? I think it was just the sound effects of waves and popping boners. Who knew? And… now he’s rapping.

8:04: Wow, someone dug Ed McMahon out of his grave just so he could say “Here’s Johnny!” How sweet. Now he can go back to decomposing.

8:05: Well that took way too long, and Josh Groban makes me vaguely uncomfortable, but that was pretty impressive.

8:06: Best actress in a miniseries or movie…. and I haven’t seen any of these. I’ll go with Susan Sarandon because she’s a safe bet.

8:07: Laura Linney wins. What’s Tom Hanks doing, slumming at the Emmys?

8:08: I think Laura Linney’s hearing voices.

8:13: Another montage of random actors saying “sock it to me”, although I’m pretty sure Heidi just said suckatooey. And yes, William Shatner was in this one too, and yes, I still want to punch him.

8:14: Dana Delaney is a gorgeous woman, but once you get past a certain age, you should really not flap your bare arms around.

Just sayin.

8:15: Do people really find Lilly Allen talented or funny? Can someone explain this? This whole Laugh In segment is making my head hurt.

8:16: Okay, that one Laugh In lady with the chicken just reminded me of Renny from Big Brother.

8:17: Thank god that’s over. Outstanding variety, music or comedy series. I expect The Colbert Report to win again… but no, it’s The Daily Show. Yep, still don’t care.

8:18: Aggh, stop legitimizing Lauren Conrad and/or The Hills! And Christian Siriano, congrats on looking consistently ridiculous.

Ten bucks LC made the red dress that makes the blonde look like a used tampon.

8:19: Pretty sure Heidi just called Lauren “Lawn” and informed us that David Boreanaz is from that show “The Bones.” Goddamn, if it weren’t a Sunday, there would be an awesome drinking game here of taking a shot every time Heidi slaughters the English language.

8:20: Outstanding guest actor in a comedy series. With 4/5 coming from 30 Rock, I’m thinking 30 Rock’s odds look pretty good here. My pick is Will Arnett. My Gob love carries over into other roles. Oh LC’s also announcing outstanding guest actress in a comedy series. Ooh, my vote is for Kathryn Joosten. Mrs. McCluskey should replace Edie Britt as far as I’m concerned.

8:21: Yay, Mrs. McCluskey won!

8:21: Outstanding director for a comedy series. I want one of the two The Office nominees to get it, but I bet it’ll go to the Pushing Daisies dude because I saw that episode and it’s got lots of weird, cheesy stuff the voters would like.

8:22: Yep, the Pushing Daisies dude. He’s sweating profusely, which is fun to watch. My brief thoughts of taking a food break are now done. His daughter looks embarrassed. Honey, this is what’s going to get you laid for the next 3-5 years, so stop slouching and stick out your boobs.

8:23: Why is LC still on my screen? Outstanding writing for a comedy series. Oooh, the dinner party episode of The Office was awesome, that’s my pick. Mmm, John Krasinski…. okay, can’t go down that path again.

8:24: Oh snap, LC just told off that guy from “The Bones” for accidentally reading her line from the teleprompter.

“Who the HELL is this girl? I’m David Boreanaz from The Bo– oh, goddammit. I hate reality TV.”

8:24: Tina Fey wins, and it looks like she and Piven had another celebratory round in the back.

8:30: Oh good, another long-since canceled show segment.

8:31: Martin Sheen’s hair is channelling Cameron Diaz’s in “There’s Something About Mary.” And his walk-and-talks are a lot more awkward live. Might be the artificial hip he’s gotta have by now.

8:32: No. more. politics. Goddammit.

8:33: Even better, the required awards chairmen segment. His glasses are so bad, even Dwight Schrute wouldn’t touch them for all the beets in the world.

8:35: This may be completely inappropriate, but what’s the status of Christina Applegate’s boobs these days? Are these real, implants, or wads of Kleenex? She looks great, so I hope her recovery’s continuing to go well.

8:36: Outstanding made for TV movie. Christian Slater sounds almost as dazed as I am. Something calls Recount wins, and it evidently got 11 nominations. Wow. Anyone actually see it?

“I swiped some of Christina’s painkillers from her bag and I feel GREAT!”

8:42: Probst bungled a line. Heidi’s rubbing off on the others (although not in the way they would like).

8:43: Oh goodie, a CSI commercial. Outstanding supporting actor in a miniseries or movie. Don’t know, don’t care. Oh good, the winner couldn’t be there. Sweet!

8:45: Eww, prunes are gross. I consider this a big sacrifice for a joke on Colbert’s part. Outstanding directing for a miniseries, movie, or dramatic special. Again, don’t care. The middle of these shows are always the worst.

8:46: The guy who directed that stellar motion picture trilogy, “Austin Powers”, wins. And oh goodie, he’s here. And talking politics. And getting the GTFOTS music.

8:47: Outstanding writing for a miniseries, movie, or dramatic special. This one’s huge, folks.

8:48: Dammit, the winner of this one is here too. Tom Hanks continues to represent the legitimate actor club by himself. LOL they didn’t even give this idiot the GTFOTS music — they just cut straight to commercials while he was in mid-sentence. Thank you, director.

8:53: Howie Mandel did some speed during the last break. Whoa. And now a MASH segment. If y’all are so short on time, how bout cutting these?

8:54: Patrick Dempsey — I do not get it. I wouldn’t kick him out of bed, but I’m not sure how he would get there in the first place. Okay, that’s a lie. It’s called Jagermeister. It’s a cruel mistress. But seriously, Dempsey is douche city in my book.

8:55: Outstanding supporting actress in a miniseries or movie. I would root for Alfre Woodward, but I’m still angry about season 2 of Desperate Housewives. Yay, the winner isn’t there! Keep giving the Emmys to the lazy, cheap Brits who didn’t come tonight!

8:56: Oh, Kathy, what are you wearing? That is definitely the upholstery from my grandmother’s couch. She has officially turned into a drag queen.

And she brought my grandfather, too!

8:57: They keep going off the script, and Kathy’s about to split open her “dress” she’s laughing so hard. Keep it moving, Gramps.

8:59: Dear Lord, finally. Best reality-competition program. Call me a disloyal former Top Chef recapper, but I’m totally rooting for The Amazing Race here. And, btw, bullshit on Phil being left out in the host category. Howie Mandel, really?

LC’s and Christian’s designs are so ugly we just get disembodied arms now instead of Emmy hos.

9:00: Yaaaay, the Amazing Race won! For once, it doesn’t bother me that the Emmy voters keep reflexively picking the same tired winner. That’s because I like this one. I’m a selfish bastard.

9:01: Sally Field looks a bit wrecked. Yeesh. Outstanding miniseries. Didn’t see any of these either.

9:02: Holy crap, 23 nominations for John Adams? I bet most people in our country couldn’t even name him as a former president. LOL Tom Hanks just accepted the Emmy and called Sally Fields mom, then briefly did a Forrest voice. That may have just made my week. Which says something about the quality of my week, I fear…

9:03: Tom’s yapping quite a bit, but no one’s going to tell the A-list movie star to STFU. And so we suffer…

9:07: Seal’s going to kick Bergeron’s ass for dropping Heidi. Seal’s a bit of a woman, but still I don’t think he’ll have much difficulty.

9:08: Sigh, NPH. Heart. Outstanding individual performance in a variety or music program. I pick Tina Fey, but Don Rickles wins instead. Great, now he can blab for the next 10 minutes.

9:11: He’s finally done! Perfect timing with my bathroom break.

9:12: Wow, Kate Walsh, you leave Grey’s Anatomy and you get downgraded to presenting with the host of Don’t Forget the Lyrics. Outstanding guest actor in a drama series. I’d go with Stanley Tucci because he’s always a safe bet. For outstanding guest actress in a drama series, I’d go with Cynthia Nixon because she really creeps me out in the little clip they show. Stanley doesn’t win, but Cynthia does!

“I’m going to molest you and then eat your spleen! Teehee!”

9:14: Outstanding directing in a drama series. Oh shit, they haven’t even shown anything yet and I recognize the Boston Legal music. I’ll go with the Damages pilot, since it’s the only one of these I’ve seen, but House gets it instead. I tried to watch that show once, and it was an episode where someone’s testicle exploded or something. And then… I was done.

9:15: Outstanding writing for a drama series. BATTLESTAR GALACTICA!!!! Um, yeah I pick that one. But Mad Men wins instead. Boooo. At least BSG got nominated here though, because evidently that’s asking a lot from the Emmys. Bastards.

9:23: Best lead actor in a miniseries or movie. Never seen any of these again, but I’ll pick Paul Giamatti. And he wins! Good for him. Keep things moving, people.

9:25: Candice Bergen cracks me up, but damn honey, that’s one ugly jacket. It looks like you skinned a corpse and then rubbed glitter on it. Woo hoo, and we’re finally back to the big awards! Lead actor in a comedy series.

9:26: I want Steve Carrell, but I still have that shit brick if Charlie Sheen gets it. And Alec Baldwin wins! Sadly, he doesn’t call anyone a pig.

9:27: Whoopsie, the microphone’s not working for Vanessa Williams. But who gives a fuck, we gotta keep moving! Lead actress in a drama series. I want Glenn Close for this one, and not Mariska Hargitay. Mariska’s great, but she’s falling into the old stand-by Emmy trap. And I still think Mary McDonnell should have been nominated. Yay, and Glenn wins!

9:28: Haha, she just ordered America to make herself useful and hold the Emmy. Glenn Close has better things to do.

9:29: Dead people reel. Damn, I don’t even recognize George Carlin in this B&W clip. Bozo died this year?! Clowns scare me, but that’s sad. And the best Golden Girl, too. Bernie Mac, that was such a WTF. Nice job using the Tim Russert clip to make fun of Hillary while you’re at it, Emmy. Issac Hayes, you were cool before you went nuts. Katie — RUN.

9:37: Lead actor in a drama! I’m somewhat indifferent, but like Jon Hamm for this one, and have the shit brick ready for Spader. I guess I’m still angry that neither Kyle Chandler nor Edward Olmos are nominated,

9:38: Bryan Cranston for Breaking Bad wins! Definite step up from Malcolm in the Middle, huh?

9:40: Brooke Shields looks great, even when she’s getting fondled. Lead actress in a comedy. My pick here is Christina Applegate, but I watch all 5 of these shows, and would be happy with any of them winning. I bet Fey gets it. And she does! Guess all America will get to do tonight is hold Glenn Close’s Emmy.

“30 Rock again?! That’s just great.”

9:43: Outstanding reality competition TV show host. Oh man, this is like a bad beauty pageant as each of the 5 hosts have to come out onto the stage to hear to results. I want Probst or even Seacrest, but not Bergeron or Mandel.

9:49: Okay, I get this whole thing is a mockery of all their reality shows, but it’s getting old, Kimmel. Stop making me identify with that twit Sarah Silverman and get to the results already.

9:50: Yay, Probst wins! God his dimples are distracting me. They’re like fucking craters.

9:51: Mary Tyler Moore’s arms are SCARY.

Congratulations, Madonna, you are no longer the Grossest Arms Champ.

9:52: Aww, Betty White. I love her. But why are you taking up my time right now? Isn’t it past your bedtime?

9:53: Outstanding comedy series!!! My pick’s The Office, but how could this not go to 30 Rock at this point?

9:54: The loose skin flapping off of MTM’s arms just almost knocked over the microphone. Sick. Dana Delaney, this could be you. Remember what we talked about earlier, girl.

9:54: 30 Rock wins! Damn, they practically swept this thing.

9:55: Outstanding drama series!!! AGGGH Boston Legal music! The only one I’m a big fan of here is Lost, but I’m expecting either House or Damages to take it. As with lead actor, I’m calling bullshit on the lack of Battlestar and Friday Night Lights nominations.

9:56: Whoa, upset! Mad Men wins! I’m sure all those people out there who like their culty favorite shows to stay culty just let out an enraged NOOOO.

9:58: Well it sure wasn’t smooth, but the Emmys actually ended on time! Nice job!

So those are our 2008 Emmys! I hope you enjoyed my little live/TiVoed blog here — which may have gotten less and less coherent as time went on, seeing as though it’s now 4:30am, haha. So did your favorites win or lose? Were you surprised by any of the results? What was your favorite moment? And did the 5 host tag-teaming work or fail miserably?