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by ChickBomb, Dreamgirl, Capri, Lushy and Belladonna
Three hours and two more bottles of champagne later, and rest of the crew arrives. While I scrape Lushy off the patio furniture, say hello to Dreamgirl, Capri and Belladonna. Air kisses abound, we toast and then we gossip. Then we miss the beginning of the Emmys. So let’s pick it up there.
Seacrest is looking pale.
CB: Oh shit, we missed the first three minutes.
Dreamgirl: You’re great at this blogging thing, CB.
CB: Shut up and drink your drink. OK, here we are. Ryan’s opening monologue.
Capri: I still can’t believe Ryan Seacrest’s hosting the Emmys.
CB: I’m happy for him. I listen to him on the radio in the morning. And I’m obsessed with American Idol.
Capri: He does the Emmys, the morning show, E! News and American Idol.
Dreamgirl: It takes a lot of work to take your mind off the fact that you’re a huge closet case.
Capri: He knows who designed Eva Longoria’s shoes on site!
Dreamgirl: I rest my case.
Capri: Oh, did he just diss Teri Hatcher?
CB: Yeah, I think they dated and it ended in a not cool way.
Felicity Huffman: Unamused
Belladonna: I love Teri’s dress.
CB & Lushy: It’s Badgley Mischka.
Dreamgirl: Did Seacrest tell you that?
Capri: There’s Raymond.
CB: I sat near him on an airplane once, and they were playing his TV show, and he was so embarrassed, it was so cute.
Dreamgirl: Comedians are usually lo-pro.
Capri: He’s funny.
Belladonna: I always preferred King Of Queens to Raymond.
CB: I don’t think you’re the only one. OK, Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy. Any preferences? I like Neil Patrick Harris.
Dreamgirl: Jeremy Piven.
Capri: Jeremy Piven.
CB: I know, but I feel like the writing on Entourage is going a little downhill for Ari. Yelling “douchebag” every five seconds isn’t funny.
Capri: Don’t say bad things about Entourage.
CB: Well, good for him. He’s a local Malibu boy, I always see him at Coffee Bean, but he’s the kind of celeb who’s really loud and wants everyone to notice him.
We see you.
Belladonna: He hit on Slutty Peripheral Friend at Privilege once.
Capri: Did she go for it?
Belladonna: She says no, but I’m not so sure.
Dreamgirl: America Ferrara looks good. Has she lost weight?
Capri: Ugly Betty is the cutest show.
CB: I actually just watched it for the first time last week. I loved it.
Capri: I would have thought you’d watch that all the time. That’s so your kind of show.
CB: It’s on opposite The Office, so if I’m around, I opt for that.
Capri: You really need Tivo.
CB: I can’t. I would have no life.
Belladonna: I don’t know about all those feathers.
Dreamgirl: Yeah, they’re very love them or hate them.
Belladonna: Hate, then.
CB: Really? Me and Lushy loved them.
Lushy: I didn’t say loved.
CB: Best Supporting Actor in a drama. Anyone? I’m for Christophuuuuuh. I want a Sopranos sweep.
Dreamgirl: Is that the gay guy from Grey’s Anatomy? He’s not so great.
Belladonna: I know, but he had all that controversy, and controversy gets you far.
Capri: Locke wins! He’s sexy.
CB: Whatever. OK, Tina Fey and Julia Louise Dreyfus are presenting for Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy. I want Jamie Pressley. She totally goes there with the role, and she’s really excited about the whole thing.
Belladonna: I like the chick from Weeds.
CB: Yay! Jamie P! Wait, what’s she wearing? I read something in one of the weeklies that she was working out like crazy to lose her baby weight for a hot Emmy dress.
Lushy: It’s very…drapey.
Belladonna: It doesn’t do anything for her.
Dreamgirl: “The little engine that could that finally did.” So scripted.
CB: I think Earl is hot.
Capri: You just like the mustache.
CB: I admit it.
Capri: CB lost it to a guy with a mustache, that’s why she likes them.
Dreamgirl: CB, that’s kind of gross.
CB: I know. But trust me, he was hot.
Belladonna: Katherine Heigl just corrected the Emmy announcer lady who said her name wrong.
It’s Britney, bitch.
Capri: Good for her.
CB: I don’t care about this award. Time for refills.
Capri: It’s Ellen! I love Ellen!
Belladonna: Ellen’s cool.
Capri: She looks very jazzy tonight.
Lushy: Ellen’s gone lipstick lesbian on us tonight.
Capri: Oooooh, the Entourage boys! And Eva Longoria.
Dreamgirl: She looks awesome. I love that gold dress.
CB: I’m not a fan, but she does look gorgeous. I love how she does a short dress. She knows it’s just the Emmys.
Capri: Adrian Grenier’s so gorgeous. He is Vincent Chase. Was he nominated?
Belladonna: No, but you’re right, he should be. He has the whole clueless hot guy thing down.
CB: OK, Supporting Actress in a Drama. Any bets?
Dreamgirl: Is every single person nominated from Grey’s Anatomy?
Belladonna: Looks like it. Told you controversy will get you far.
CB: I bet you it will be Heigl. Just cause it’s gonna annoy me. And don’t even tell me she pulls in a better performance than Janice Soparano.
Lushy: I thought you liked the prom dress, CB?
CB: I do, but the person in it annoys me.
CB: I knew it.
Capri: Oh, she thanked them for getting her name right.
CB: See, it’s shit like that that annoys me.
Capri: She just kind of dissed her Mom.
Dreamgirl: Say no more.
CB: Speaking of prom dresses, why does Jennifer Love Hewitt always wear one to everything?
Belladonna: Forever 16. Tony Bennett and Christina Aguilera. Lovely. But also a good time to take a bathroom break.
Capri: Who would have thought that Christina would have turned out to be the classy one, and Brit would go the other way?
CB: I can’t talk about Britney. It’s too upsetting.
Capri: Wasn’t she going to do an apology at the Emmys?
CB: I said I can’t talk about it.
Dreamgirl: There’s Alec Baldwin. I guess this means America has forgiven him for the “little pig” comment he made to his kid.
Capri: They just like movie stars at the Emmys.
CB: Ali Larter!
Capri: I think that’s the best dress I’ve seen tonight. That’s totally fucking gorgeous.
CB: I love it too. Queen Latifah! Another one in a hot red dress.
Belladonna: Oh, a standing ovation for Roots. How PC.
Capri: I’m sorry, is that Robert Duvall again? Didn’t he just win something?
CB: I wasn’t paying attention to the first thing he won, and I’m not paying attention to this.
Dreamgirl: Miss Thing, Hayden Panitierre.
Capri: I love her name.
Lushy: That dress is awful. It looks like one of those circus dresses with lots of midgets underneath.
CB: Doogie. I love him. He should have won.
Belladonna: He looks great.
CB & Lushy: Prada.
Belladonna: The gays get it right.
CB: OK, this is Guest Actor in a Drama. I wouldn’t care, but Tim Daly! He did an amazing character on the Sopranos. And I’ve loved him since Wings.
Dreamgirl: Oh, I remember that show!
CB: Wings used to be on four times a night and I watched all of them. I could never decide who I liked better, Joe or Brian.
Belladonna: CB, have you always been obsessed with TV?
CB: Pretty much, yeah. Oh, Sopranos just won something! It’s for writing.
Dreamgirl: Thought you didn’t care about the boring writing awards.
CB: I’m just so fucking excited that they won something! Besides, the writing on that show really made it what it was.
Capri: Steve Carrell. Oh, it’s an Office bit.
Dreamgirl: A “bit”? Nerd.
Capri: I’m enjoying the show. It’s entertaining!
CB: You’re a cutie. Oh, there’s Mark Harmon, I love him. I had a boyfriend in college who looked like him.
Lushy: I don’t know who that is.
CB: He was on Mork and Mindy, remember that?
Belladonna: Mork from Ork!
CB: Uh oh, There’s Marcia Cross again. Keep her out of Lushy’s sight, she is offended by the ensemble.
Dreamgirl: Supporting Actress in a Mini Series. Did anyone see the Starter Wife?
Capri: I had such high hopes for it, but I didn’t think it was that great.
Dreamgirl: I thought it was ok. But the locations…
CB: I was just going to say that! They did the exteriors in Malibu, but not the interiors.
Dreamgirl: Did you see the interior that they used for Nobu? It was sacrilege.
CB: Yeah, not to mention they were doing lunch there and hello, Nobu isn’t even open for lunch.
Dreamgirl: So I hope they lose.
Lushy: Well, they just won.
Capri: The Chairman of the Academy. Boring.
Belladonna: There’s Glen Close, Kyra Sedgwick and Mary Louise Parker.
Dreamgirl: Kyra Sedgwick annoys me. She looks good though.
Capri: Mary Louise Parker looks really amazing!
Dreamgirl: Don’t you feel like everything she does is like a big ol’ F You to Billy Crudup for leaving her for Claire Danes?
CB: I lived for Claire Danes until she became a husband stealer.
Capri: Weren’t they not married?
CB: Splitting hairs, babe.
Belladonna: Are they making fun of her character for being a pot dealer? That’s the
best job of all of them.
CB: It’s the Sopranos tribute!
Dreamgirl: This is going to be CB’s favorite part.
CB: Oh, it’s Jersey Boys! I have a Jersey Boys connection, my third cousin or something wrote it.
Belladonna: Have you seen it?
CB: Well, no. Ohhhh, there’s all the Sopranos! I think I might cry.
Dreamgirl: CB, don’t be a weepy drunk.
CB: This was a really, really, really great show.
Capri: Did you hate the ending?
CB: No, I loved it. It was so right on of them to end it so ambiguously.
Belladonna: I hope they get a standing ovation like Roots did, otherwise it’s prejudice to Italian Americans.
Dreamgirl: They’re getting one.
CB: They deserve it. What a great fucking show.
Capri: McDreamy and Sally Field.
Dreamgirl: He’s definitely smoking.
Belladonna: I can’t help it, I still see Ronald from Can’t Buy Me Love.
CB & Capri: I love that movie!
Capri: Sally Field’s such a cute lady. Does anyone watch her show?
Dreamgirl: It’s hackneyed. And I’m over Ally McBeal doing her flaky neurotic thing.
Belladonna: I saw her in a restaurant once. She wears a ton of make up, but Harrison
Ford…there’s the real McDreamy.
CB: Isn’t Rob Lowe on that show too?
Capri: I love, love, love him.
CB: Me too! His kind of gorgeous never goes out of style. Ew, more miniseries.
Dreamgirl: Oh, Latifah’s nominated. I pick her.
Belladonna: She’s up against Helen Mirren. She’s British, she’ll win.
CB: You’re right.
(Helen Mirren wins)
Belladonna: American award shows always kiss British ass. See, they don’t even start the cut off music for her. Being British doesn’t make you a better actor, you know.
CB: It’s the brother from Raymond.
Dreamgirl: Brad Garrett. He’s hilarious.
CB: Really? I don’t find him funny at all. AT ALL.
Capri: I like Joely’s yellow dress.
Lushy: Did he just make a breast milk joke? Low.
CB: See? NOT FUNNY.
Get out of the Emmy’s, Til Death!
Dreamgirl: Teri Hatcher and that Roly Poly dude from KVille.
Capri: CB, are you writing that down?
CB: Hell, yes.
Belladonna: That dress is awesome.
CB and Lushy: It’s Badgley Mischka.
All: WE KNOW!
Dreamgirl: Oh, he made a joke about how they compete for the same roles. That was funny. Good one, Roly Poly Dude.
Capri: His name is Anthony Anderson.
Belladonna: I really love the dress.
Dreamgirl: Do you think it’s a Badgley Mischka?
CB: Very fucking funny.
Capri: It’s for Guest Actors in a comedy. Martin Landau was brilliant in Entourage. And Salma Hayek for Ugly Betty.
CB: Oh, she’s up against Elaine Stritch. She’s an old NY theater broad. They kiss their asses just as much as the Brits. She’ll win.
Dreamgirl: Who is she?
CB: See, told you she’d win.
Dreamgirl: Who is she?
Lushy: Famous old lush.
(All stare at Lushy)
Give this woman her own show.
Capri: She was just on 30 Rock.
CB: She’s on Page Six sometimes.
Capri: What’s your Page Six rule again?
CB: You don’t exist unless Page Six knows about you, and everything Page Six says is true.
Belladonna: Holy shit, is Ryan wearing a Mariachi outfit?
Dreamgirl: And did he just make a gay joke?
Belladonna: I think he’s really close to coming out.
Capri: I think I have a small crush on Ryan.
Lushy: You are very, very drunk.
CB: Let’s forget she said that. Except that I wrote it down. OK, now we’re doing Best Reality Show Competition. I need to care about this. I hope it’s Project Runway or Top Chef.
Dreamgirl: Project Runway makes me want to go out and buy a sewing machine.
CB: Me too! I was talking about that to my friend Flipit last week, and when I said that he was like, Project Runway DID make me go out and buy a sewing machine.
Dreamgirl: That’s cool, did he design anything?
CB: No, he made a bunch of pillows, decided it was the biggest waste of money ever and tossed it. He has trouble committing.
Capri: It’s a Don’t Forget The Lyrics thing.
CB: I watched that show, and you know what? I would CLEAN UP!
Capri: I think I would too.
CB: It’s Kanye West! Oh, they’re making fun of his competition thing with Fitty.
Belladonna: Kanye’s great, but too much ego.
CB: Oh, they’re really making fun of him.
Capri: I love Kanye. George Bush hates black people. Who says that?
CB: The Amazing Race wins. I think they always win this category.
Dreamgirl: Wait, did Sally Field just win something?
Belladonna: Of course, the Emmys totally suck up to the movie people. Have you learned nothing tonight? Movie people, theater people and British people always win.
CB: And of course the movie star brings up war. Hey! They cut away! She only said she loved moms. WTF?
Capri: Awwww…it’s the dead people montage.
CB: Debra Messing looks fabulous. She’s got excellent style.
Lushy: I love that dress.
Belladonna: I’ve heard she’s a huge bitch.
Lushy: Huge bitch with great style, doesn’t that make her our kind of girl?
Dreamgirl: America got the Best Actress in a Comedy!
Capri: Yay! She’s adorable. America loves America. That show really does something different.
CB: I need to start watching it. I laughed out loud at the episode I saw last week.
Belladonna: Jimmy Smits and Kate Walsh. She is gorgeous. Stunning.
Capri: He’s not so shabby either.
CB: Ugh, please don’t make dumb jokes about your new show.
Capri: Too late.
Dreamgirl: What’s his new show?
CB: Cane. It’s about sugar farmers. I worked on a sugar farm once. It’s not at all glamourous.
Belladonna: CB, you are the one person I know who can say that and no one bats an eye.
Dreamgirl: What did you do on a sugar farm?
CB: It was actually a banana farm.
Capri: Oh, I’ve heard this story.
CB: It’s a funny story, but we’re Emmy blogging now, cupcakes. OK, here we go. It’s the Best Actor in a Drama. Gandolfini so better win.
Belladonna: Don’t you get it? There will be no Sopranos sweep tonight.
CB: Shit, Carmela didn’t win either.
Belladonna: Did you just notice that?
CB: Yeah. Stupid Sally Field.
(James Spader wins.)
CB: James Spader? James Spader? Boston Legal? Are you freaking kidding me? Who even watches that show?
Belladonna: Yeah, that’s kind of lame.
Capri: Oh, remember when he was Stef in Pretty in Pink?
Dreamgirl: He’s making a joke about how he feels like he just stole a bunch of money from the mob.
Belladonna: Well, he stole their Emmy.
Capri: That is retarded.
Dreamgirl: Kelsey Grammar and Raymond’s wife.
Capri: She has a name.
Dreamgirl: Oh really, what is it?
Capri: Well, I’m sure she has one.
Dreamgirl: CB, stop sulking. Sopranos could still win Best Drama. Don’t you care about Best Comedy?
Dreamgirl: Well, your editor might. It’s Entourage, The Office, 30 Rock or Ugly Betty.
Belladonna: They’re kind of all good.
Dreamgirl: …and Two and a half Men.
Belladonna: Oh. Never mind.
Capri: I want Entourage.
Belladonna: Entourage is your Sopranos.
Dreamgirl: 30 Rock. Huh.
Belladonna: Because Alec Baldwin’s on it and he’s a movie person.
Capri: Well, Ugly Betty has Salma Hayak and she’s a movie person.
Belladonna: But she didn’t do scandal this year.
Lushy: Are you kidding?!? He got knocked up by the richest Frenchie on the planet.
Belladonna: Not scandalous enough.
Capri: Her boobs got enormous.
Belladonna: Not enough.
CB: OK, everyone quiet! Best Drama. Please be Sopranos, please be Sopranos…
Lushy: CB, you are taking this way too seriously.
CB: Don’t fuck with the family, Lushy.
Capri: Oh, did you see how Carmela put her arm around Meadow, like a real Mom would do?
Belladonna: That was really nice. Carmela looks gorgeous by the way.
CB: You know, it’s actually kind of sweet that they won the Best Drama, and not individuals, cause it really was an ensemble effort.
Dreamgirl: Awww…just like our Emmy blog.
Well dolls, hope you enjoyed our party as much as we did! See you for the next big show. Til then…Kisses From ChickBomb and Friends!