We were so caught up in the Raiders game that we nearly forgot about the Emmys until the Tivo turned over to CBS at 8 PM. I guess that’s our cue. Let’s start this thing.
Oh, and since we didn’t draft out a nice little intro with a picture ahead of time, we’ll just use this stupid picture of Jennifer Garner that Yahoo has left up for the past two days.8:00 PM
And we’re off! It’s a 24 spoof! Featuring John Travolta. And his dead co-star from the ’70s. Um, this isn’t like 24 at all.
Earth, Wind, and Fire perform. And that’s the good part. The Black-Eyed Peas decide to waste away whatever street cred they have left by dancing out on stage with their lamest award show rap yet (worse than the Grammys). And just in case we still don’t believe that the Academy is young and hip, we’ve just witnessed a montage of Deadwood bleeping and references to Whitney and Bobby. Yup, just white people trying to be hip with black people.
This just in: The Black-Eyed Peas will be performing at the Rosenbaum Bat Mitzvah next weekend. Service to be held at the Wilshire Family Synagogue. Reception at the Airport Marriot.
Jon Stewart can’t believe this either.
“It’s time to get on with the night now,” sings Earth, Wind & Fire. AND HOW!
One of the Black-Eyed Peas dances with Doris Roberts. Did I mention the Bat Mitzvah joke yet?
MARG HELGENBERGER is getting DOWN! What a sexy bitch! Best Emmy Bat Mitzvah EVER!
Ellen finally comes out. Not like that. You know what we mean. Okay, let’s get this party started.
“You’ll notice that some of us are wearing magnolias tonight in support of the victims of Hurricane Katrina,” says Ellen. And by “some of us,” she meant “only Doris Roberts.”
Ellen cracks a Korea joke. Cut to Alan Alda. Nice M*A*S*H* callback! Such a current ceremony!
Magnolia Watch: we got a bogey on William Shatner!
Lessons learned: Family Guy humor does not work at the Emmys.
The Desperate Housewives deliver some horrible Bruce Vilanche-ish patter and are saved only by Felicity Huffman who adlibs, “CLUNK.” My thoughts exactly. The women introduce the Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy category. If Jeremy Piven doesn’t win this, I’m going to do something evil, like– wait, hold that thought. BRAD GARRETT WON?? WTF?? By the way, kudos to Sean Hayes for his HILARious pretend-to-be-sleeping act. And to Jeremy Piven for his pretend-to-be-not-homicidal act.
Kiefer Sutherland and a leather-faced Kyra Sedgewick present the award for Best Supporting Actor in a Drama Series. You know, if The Joker and a hand-puppet had a love child, it would be Kyra Sedgewick. Anyway, William Shatner wins as Alan Alda rips up his speech. Nothing particularly funny happens, but now we’re heading into Emmy Idol, and we cannot wait. Oh, and by the way, thanks Emmy for not letting the West Coast vote. Jerks.
The Donald walks out on stage in overalls and an undershirt. We’ve only heard one note of his performance, but we can already tell it’s amazingly terrible. Best desperate gimmick for ratings EVER!
By the way, did we mention that we LOVE Emmy Idol?
And in case you didn’t know, Broadway is a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY.
Jon Cryer casually mentions Two and a Half Men’s new time slot. Smooth, CBS. Very smooooth.
Time for clips of the nominees for Outstanding Individual Performance in a Variety or Music Program, and look what we get: some very gay footage of Hugh Jackman at the Tonys. Amazingly, he wins! And he kisses a woman, you know, just to keep up appearances. Hugh later thanks his wife, saying he “couldn’t do it” without her. We’ll just assume that’s a reference to closeted homosexuality.
Jackman’s wife and “John.” You try to guess who’s getting it in the pooper tonight.
The Blue Man Group presents the award for Outstanding Reality Competition. Doesn’t really make sense, but it’s better than the lifeless patter we’ve been sitting through. Anyway, the winner is… The Amazing Race! Yay! And there’s Phil! And a sad Heidi Klum.
Zach Braff and Hugh Laurie present the award for Supporting Actress in a Drama. This would be a lot cooler if The Shins were playing.
Sorry Sandra Oh. It’s all about Blythe Danner tonight. She just won. I wonder if her speeches are as dumb as Gwyneth’s.
Yup, they are.
Awkward moment #37: Ellen does a ventriloquist act. ‘Nuff said.
Supporting Actor in a Miniseries or Movie. Please give it to Christopher Plummer for his dandy use of a turtleneck in his “Away” photo.
Jennifer Love Hewitt and Lauren Graham come out on stage. And so begins the Large Boobies portion of the show.
Speaking of large boobies, Jane Alexander wins an Emmy. Grrrrrrrrowl!!!
Jane Alexander thanks her agent, Biff Liff. Regrettably she snubs Bip Bop, Pish Posh, and Boop Poop.
Oooh! Emmy Idol returns! This time with Veronica Mars herself singing the theme song to Fame. It’s pretty cool, but what’s Veronica Mars?
This Fame bit is entirely too Kirsten Dunst-y.
As Emmy Idol wraps up, we cut away to reactions of two old women. Clearly the ceremony’s head writers.
Katherine Joosten, winner of Best Guest Actress, comes on stage wearing her best Kill Bill meets Golden Girls outfit. Sexy!
Hey Bobby Cannavale, the word is “OLYMPICS.”
Anyone else notice how year after year, the funniest part of the Emmys is watching the noms for Outstanding Writing for a Musical or Variety series? Da Ali G show is pretty dope, but seriously, can’t top Conan here.
Katherine Joosten LOVES presenting.
All I need to hear: “Please welcome… Mischa Barton.”
True to form, Mischa Barton opens up with “Hey…” Hey count: 1.
Wow, Mischa really can make any moment awkward.
And the Emmy for Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series: Doris Roberts. Wow, that’s a shocker. And she brought up her grandchildren. Or at least her harem of underage boy servants. Nope, they’re her grandchildren.
Hey, it’s David Letterman. Time for funniness! Oh wait, it’s a Johnny Carson tribute. I guess we need a snark break anyway.
Does it feel subtly inappropriate to anyone else that this Johnny Carson tribute comes on the heels of Mischa Barton?
And the winner for Outstanding Variety, Music, or Comedy Series… The Daily Show! Cool, but the best part of this win is that the cast of Everybody Loves Raymond has finally left the stage.
Portia Di Rossi appears on stage to introduce the next Emmy Idol. Ellen salivates in the wings: “I’m gonna get me a piece of that magnolia!” And here’s Gary Jourdan (or however you spell his name). He’s a got a deep, husky, but unfortunately flat voice. And just in case this awards show needed any more suck, here comes Macy Gray and her new friend, Twenty Pounds.
Ellen does a comedy bit with a bicycle and a sparkler. And no punchline. Why are they doing this to her?
J. J. Abrams wins the directing award for Lost. Internet geeks around the world collectively jizz.
Hey look, Geena Davis is in the audience. Be careful! She might shoot you with an arrow. She is an accomplished archer, YOU KNOW.
Halle Berry says, “The great actress Roslyn Russell once said that acting is standing up naked and turning around very slowly.” Or in the case of Halle Barry, standing up naked and having sex with Billy Bob Thornton.
Technical difficulties! Halle Berry channels Julie Chen as she awkwardly waits for the video introduction of the Best Actor, Miniseries nominees. Very uncomfortable. By the way, does William H. Macy do anything other than get nominated for TV movies?
Wow. We just saw Ellen slip into a bathroom stall. An appropriate image for this ceremony, I suppose.
Ellen Pompeio: the cheaper, TV version of Renée Zelleweger.
The guys who wrote The Life and Death of Peter Sellers spend their thirty seconds cracking dumb jokes. They wrap up by thanking Peter Sellers, without whom they’d have no movie, they tell us. Yeah, especially since they are painfully unfunny. Kind of like this comment, huh? (It was funnier when we were bantering in person.)
S. Epatha Merkerson reveals that her speech feel down in her bosom. This could be the worst wardrobe malfunction EVER. Oh, the plight of the big-breasted black woman. Macy Grey knows it well.
Jon Stewart does a taped segment re: Hurricane Katrina. It’s funny, but I’m too distracted by the iPod Nano-ness of it all.
The director of Desperate Housewives delivers a brief, efficient script. Thank god for the Brits.
Arrested Development wins Comedy Series, Writing. The head writer, Mitch Hurwitz, is funny. We got nothing.
Marg Helgenberger appears on stage with Quentin Tarantino. The TVgasm office desperately hopes she’ll bust out another semi-orgasmic dance, but alas, it seems as though the horse tranquilizers have set in. And speaking of drugs, the producer of Warm Springs wipes his nose five or six times during his acceptance speech. Warm Springs? More like Warm COCAINE! Sorry, was that too ON THE NOSE? Z-z-z-z-z-z-ZING!!!
A union of greatness! Jeff Probst and Phil Koeghan (or “Kogan”, as the announcer calls him) appear on stage together. And to sweeten the deal, we get to see the lovely Naima from America’s Next Top Model (who seems to have entranced dearest Phil). The two über-hosts introduce the next Emmy Idol segment featuring William Shatner and an opera singer who looks like an alterna-version of Joy Behar. Damn, I love this stuff.
You know, it’s not an awards show until we see Mariska Hargitay’s cold nips.
The Lost Prince wins the Emmy for Best Miniseries. It also wins the Emmy for “And you are??”
Academy prez Dick Askin addresses the audience. His name has “Dick” and “Ass” in it. How can I not laugh?
First standing ovation. Dan Rather and Tom Brokaw appear on stage after a touching tribute to them and Peter Jennings. TVgasm shamed into silence. We won’t even crack jokes about how tan Brokaw seems.
Tom Brokaw delivers an eloquent speech about Peter Jennings. But more importantly, there’s Julie Chen!
Julie Chen anxiously represses the urge to interrupt the ceremony with “BUT FIRST!”
Tom Brokaw and Dan Rather — those guys are class acts. But are they gonna sing a song or what?
Conan comes out to present Outstanding Actress in a Comedy Series and gets everyone laughing. Remind me again why he’s only hosted the show once? Anyway, the Emmy goes to personal fave Felicity Huffman who delivers a funny, brief, and emotional speech that veers into disturbing territory once she alludes to images of her and William H. Macy doing the nasty in a cow pasture. Shivers.
Patricia Arquette just won an Emmy? Huh? Eh, at least she gave a speech that had us saying “Awww” at the end. Plus, she gave a shout out to Courtney Cox. That’s got to be worth something.
Ladies and gentlemen! Start your engines! It’s time for that most beloved of pastimes: the dead people popularity contest! Let’s kick this thang off!
We start off with Eddie Albert. Ooh, no applause. Tough opener. But Ann Bancroft gets a nice little round. Barbara Bel Geddes tries to compete, but she ain’t got nothin’ on Ann. Doesn’t matter because Rodney Dangerfield outclasses both of them. But wait! Here comes Ossie Davis! The new reigning champion!! Or is he? James Doohan is like “Oh no he di’int!” But not even the finest Star Trek actors can dethrone Ossie. For that, we look to Bob Denver who’s got the freshness factor working for him. He pulls in the biggest applause yet, and that’s when the lights go dim, the timpanis boom, and the smoke flows from the fog machines. It’s CHRISTOPHER REEVE! Oh, you cannot top Christopher Reeve! The applause is thunderous. People try to challenge him, but I mean, let’s be serious. Herb Sargent? Chris Schenkel? Danny Simon? Hal Sitowitz? Psssh. This is Reeve Country, baby. You can’t touch that shit! Ruth Warrick tries her darndest, but c’mon. It’s Superman. But wait. Wait! WE’VE GOT A DARK HORSE! It’s Jerry Orbach!!! And he COULD. GO. ALL. THE. WAY!! TOUCHDOWN, ORBACH!!! We have a winner!!! Most popular dead person of the 2005 Emmys: Jerry Orbach! Congratulations!!
Cybil Shepherd starring in Martha Behind Bars: It Wasn’t Such a Good Thing? I’M THERE.
Tony Shaloub wins Outstanding Actor in a Comedic Performance for Monk. But more importantly, did you see Sela Ward’s arms? One word: Amazon.
The announcer introduces Charles S. Dutton by calling him a “three-time Emmy winner and the star of Threshold.” And let’s not forget “Winner of Prison Talent Show.” Did you not see the opening montage??
We were going to make fun of this Everybody Hates Chris segment until we realized it was a Hurricane Katrina thing. Blast!
Wow, this is precious.
And the winner of Emmy Idol is… Megan Mullally and Donald Trump. William Shatner is STUNNED! And now here is a lingering shot of the wall! Seriously. The camera lingered on a random part of the set for a good ten seconds before a flustered Ellen Degenerous bounded onto the stage and saved the day. I mean, as much as I loved gazing upon the beautiful set design, I was ready to move on.
Whoopi Goldberg and Hugh Jackman make awkward and boring chatter as they present Outstanding Drama Series. Just cut to the chase. We all know it’s gonna be Lost. And sure enough, Lost wins. 24 was robbed, man. Robbed!
The guy accepting the award for Lost says “Thank you for believing in our show” about ten times. They believed in your show. WE GET IT!
Okay, here we are. Last category. Who will win Outstanding Comedy? We begrudgingly admit that the Will & Grace clip is sort of funny. Nevertheless, in the upset of the year, Everybody Loves Raymond beats out Desperate Housewives. But as usual, the biggest loser is comedy.
And that’s all folks! For more awards fun, I implore everyone to check out the significantly more amusing Golden Gasms. Good night!