Golden Gasms 2005: Winners Revealed!

It’s official. The votes have been cast, the results have been tallied, and the all-Beyoncé musical medley has been performed on stage. Without further ado, we present the winners of the 2005 Golden Gasm Awards, honoring the best and worst of the television landscape.

Our esteemed panel of judges includes the TVgasm staff (B-Side, J-Unit, sg-dub, youcantmakeitup, Kat, copygodd, and EdHill) as well as invited guests from the blogosphere and beyond. They are (in alphabetical order):

• Jake Bronstein, formerly of Road Rules and FHM
• Andy Dehnart of Reality Blurred
• Mark Lisanti of Defamer.com
• Madeyoulaugh, formerly of TVgasm.com
• Paul Scheer of VH1′s Best Week Ever

Winners will receive a free dinner at The Olive Garden (redeemable until September 30, 2005) as well as commemorative index cards with their names written on them. We all agree that this is a fantastic deal.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the envelope please…

Most Memorable Moment, Scripted:

NOMINEES:

• Curtis punches Mandy in the face, 24
• Ari loses everything, Entourage
• Mischa Barton’s lesbian kiss, The OC
• Mischa Barton tosses lawn furniture, The OC
• The hatch opens, Lost
• Elizabeth Rohm’s surprise lesbian twist, Law & Order
• Rosie O’Donnell portrays a mentally challenged woman, Riding the Bus with My Sister
• “Narm”, Six Feet Under

WINNER: Rosie O’Donnell portrays a mentally challenged woman, Riding the Bus with My Sister

Right out of the gate we had a very tight race. 24 fans pushed hard for Curtis’s big smackdown of Mandy, but Rosie prevailed by one vote. sg-dub reasoned, “Gotta give it up for the REAL lesbian in this category – not the two fake ones.” Hard to argue with that. Still, that didn’t stop Mark Lisanti from giving an impassioned plea for Mischa Barton’s lawn furniture jamboree: “Nothing can compare to that singular moment where Mischa Barton unleashed her fury on that unsuspecting deck furniture, then reached impossibly deep into her own soul to let loose that primal scream, that banshee wail, the very sound of God letting the air out of the balloon of Faith through the pinched valve of Coop’s anguish.” Let’s put it this way: it was a great year for scripted disasters.

---

Most Memorable Moment, Unscripted:

NOMINEES:

• Jonathan Baker shoves Victoria Fuller, The Amazing Race 6
• Tyra Banks yells at Tiffany, America’s Next Top Model: Cycle 4
• Tana gets “crunkified”, The Apprentice 3
• Janelle wins Head of Household, yells “Bye Bye Bitches!”, Big Brother 6
• Kelly Monaco upsets John O’Hurley, Dancing with the Stars
• Tom Cruise goes nuts, The Oprah Winfrey Show
• Danny’s mom dies, The Real World Austin

WINNER: Tom Cruise goes nuts, The Oprah Winfrey Show

No surprise here. Tommy boy’s rampage blew away the competition, with the closest rival being Danny learning about the death of his mother. It was hard to top the Tom Cruise meltdown. Mark Lisanti called it “a moment that transcends the medium.” Paul Scheer commented, “I didn’t know if he was going to burst out into song or slice Oprah’s throat.” And B-Side wrote, “There’s something awesomely transfixing about a sexually ambiguous Scientologist jumping on Oprah’s couch. Kind of like Niagra Falls. Or a car wreck. Or a car wreck at Niagra Falls.” Tom, you may not have an Oscar yet, but at least you’ve got a Gasm.

---

Best New Series:

NOMINEES:

• Battlestar Galactica
• Beauty and the Geek
• Dancing with the Stars
• Desperate Housewives
• Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List
• Laguna Beach
• Lost
• Veronica Mars

WINNER: Lost

The votes were pretty mixed for this category. Battlestar Galactica enjoyed some high praise from J-Unit and Paul Scheer, with the former exclaiming, “Robot sex. Yay!” and the latter noting, “Sex, Betrayal, and More Sex. Finally a Sci-Fi Nerd Show that is so Good that even Non Nerds Are Watching, That’s a Feat. Suck it Babylon 5.” Garnering even more votes was Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List, which B-Side called, “Funny, insightful, and full of Star-Jones-bashing. That’s all I could ever ask.” But the lion’s share of the vote went to Lost. Why? According to Mark Lisanti, because “Desperate Housewives is for bitches.”

---

Best Villain:

NOMINEES:

• Dina Araz, 24
• The Friendship, Big Brother 6
• Jonathan Baker, Amazing Race 6
• Julie Cooper, The OC
• Rob and Amber, Amazing Race 7
• Star Jones, Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List
• Veronica, Rachel, and Tina, Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Inferno 2
• Wendy Pepper, Project Runway

WINNER: Julie Cooper, The OC

Talk about a tight race, we nearly had a three-way tie with Rob and Amber, The Friendship, and Julie Cooper. But luckily, one last vote at the eleventh hour put Newport’s favorite bitch over the top. And she deserved it too. J-Unit wrote, “[She has] Everything you like in a villain. Hot, slightly slutty, very deadly.” And let’s not forget, “porn-tastic.”

---

Best Rivalry:

NOMINEES:

• Chuck vs. Richard, Beauty and the Geek
• Janelle vs. The Friendship, Big Brother 6
• Janice Dickenson vs. Omarosa, The Surreal Life 5
• John O’Hurley vs. Kelly Monaco, Dancing with the Stars
• Kristin vs. LC, Laguna Beach
• Randy Moss’s Ass vs. Green Bay, Fox Sports
• Tonya vs. Veronica and Rachel, Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Inferno 2

WINNER: Janelle vs. The Friendship, Big Brother 6

It looked like John O’Hurley and Kelly Monaco were going to dance away with this award, but no one could deny the rollercoaster of bitchiness that’s been Janelle vs. The Friendship. According to EdHill, it was an epic rivalry: “David VS. Goliath. Good VS. Evil. Fun, cute, smart, VS. old, fat, dumb.” Who said reality TV was trashy?

---

Best Fight:

NOMINEES:

• “Cappy” vs. Michael, Big Brother 6
• Brad vs. The Miz vs. an atomic wedgie, Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Inferno 2
• Curtis vs. many terrorist henchmen, 24
• Marissa vs. Trey vs. Ryan vs. a gun, The OC
• Danny vs. the city of Austin, Real World: Austin
• Tonya vs. Beth vs. Louis Vuitton luggage, Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Inferno 2
• Freddy vs. a rapidly closing metal gate, Amazing Race 6

WINNER: Danny vs. the city of Austin, Real World: Austin

We thought this would be a blow-out for Danny, but amazingly, “Freddy vs. a rapidly closing metal gate” lost by only one vote. sg-dub reminisced on the Amazing Race moment fondly: “‘Whoever is responsible for this, I’m gonna break them in two!’ I’m sure Mr. Gravity God got a kick out of that one. The best part? Remember the same gate slammed down on little Hera’s head as well, but she didn’t have a hissy fit. And then Freddy ate his own vomit. Awesome.” Awesome indeed. Still, Danny’s skull-cracking performance had its champions. J-Unit wrote, “This punch was well-deserved, although we can only hope it isn’t the last time his face is rearranged.”

---

Most Annoying Male:

NOMINEES:

• Kevin Federline, Britney and Kevin: Chaotic
• Constantine Maroulis, American Idol
• David Lampson, Situation: Comedy
• Richard, Beauty and the Geek
• Tom Cruise, The Oprah Winfrey Show
• Ty Pennington, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition

WINNER: Constantine Maroulis, American Idol

Tom Cruise just barely lost out (by one vote) on a double Gasm win, but alas, our old friend Constantine topped him (no, not like that). “I hated every second this guy appeared on my television screen,” commented B-Side. Paul Scheer had a more descriptive response: “Not only annoying but also scary. His hair said unemployed, his eyes said serial killer. Give him 2 years, he’ll be luring people into a well in his basement and saying things like, ‘It puts lotion on itself.’” Extra bonus points to Ty Pennington, however, for coming in third place. Andy Dehnart simply had this to say: “For the love of all things unscripted, somebody needs to tell Ty to shut the f*ck up.”

---

Most Annoying Female:

NOMINEES:

• April, Big Brother 6
• Kendra, Amazing Race 6
• Ivette, Big Brother 6
• Mikalah Gordon, American Idol
• Rosie O’Donnell, Riding the Bus with My Sister
• Britney Spears, Britney and Kevin: Chaotic

WINNER: Ivette, Big Brother 6

Big Brother fans know her all too well: the loud voice, the moronic commentary, the blind devotion to “Cappy.” Yes, Ivette was the clear winner of this category, but that didn’t mean the other nominees got no love. Paul Scheer was a Britney Spears booster, writing, “Makes you long for the wit and wisdom of Jessica Simpson.” Mark Lisanti, meanwhile, praised Rosie O’Donnell: “A performance so bone-chillingly realistic that O’Donnell is said to have ridden a short bus to the set each day.” EdHill, although he voted for Ivette, had probably the most stinging response of all: “Shame on you for leaving out Tara Reid in Taradise.” Duly noted. Duly noted.

---

Keep Your Day Job:

NOMINEES:

• Bobby Brown, Being Bobby Brown
• Tommy Hilfiger, The Cut
• Kathy Hilton, I Want To Be A Hilton
• Britney Spears, Britney and Kevin: Chaotic
• Reality Stars, Kill Reality

WINNER: Tommy Hilfiger, The Cut
The stiff, waxen Tommy Hilfiger easily rocked the competition here, but that’s not to say there weren’t dissenting voices. J-Unit lambasted the Reality Stars of Kill Reality, writing, “How to get other people to take you seriously, lesson number 542: Don’t shit where people sleep.” Pretty much everyone, however, questioned whether many of these nominees even had a day job. Perhaps Kat phrased it best: “Isn’t making an ass of oneself all these nominees’s day jobs? I vote for all of them.”

---

Most Overhyped:

NOMINEES:

• Deadwood
• Desperate Housewives
• Entourage
• Lost
• The OC
• Veronica Mars

WINNER: Desperate Housewives

The biggest blowout of the Golden Gasms. Nearly everyone hated on the women of Wysteria Lane. After all, according to Paul Scheer, “It’s just a late night Cinemax Movie without the Nudity.”

---

Worst Show of the Year:

NOMINEES:

• Battle of the Network Reality Stars
• Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
• George Lopez
• Joey
• Kill Reality
• Unscripted
• Who’s Your Daddy?
• Yes, Dear

WINNER: Kill Reality

Man, this award really divided the voting body. Everyone pretty much fell into three camps: Who’s Your Daddy?, Battle of the Network Reality Stars, and Kill Reality. For the record, Youcantmakeitup opted for a write-in vote by suggesting the very deserving Mind of Mencia. It seemed like Battle of the Network Reality Stars had the edge, and Jake Bronstein, a former reality star himself, commented, “They asked me to take part. Thank god I came to my senses. The name alone is an acronym for BONeRS.” In the end though, the dubious honors fell to Kill Reality which sg-dub was more than happy to pan: “Seriously, this show is below ‘Bum Fights’ on the Disgraceful-o-Meter.” I’m sure all the people who love watching Jonny Fairplay getting drunk and pooping would have to disagree.

---

Most Annoying Trend:

NOMINEES:

• Indie band cameos on The OC
• Celebrity reality shows
• Lost clones
• Feel-good reality TV
• Unfunny sitcoms

WINNER: Unfunny Sitcoms

We want comedy, dammit! Copygodd said it best: “Given an infinite amount of time, an infinite number of monkeys will eventually produce the complete works of William Shakespeare. Obviously, the monkeys running Hollywood have not been given enough time.” For the record, indie bands on The OC came in with a strong second place. “How many whiny white kids can you possibly fit into one show?” asked J-Unit, “Is there not one reggae cover band that these SoCal kids wouldn’t pay to see?”

---

Best Talk Show Host:

NOMINEES:

• Conan O’Brien
• Jimmy Kimmel
• David Letterman
• Jay Leno
• Jon Stewart

WINNER: Conan O’Brien, Late Night with Conan O’Brien

Another close race. Conan won by a single vote, besting Jon Stewart. Andy Dehnart clearly was in the Daily Show camp: “[Jon Stewart is] actually funny, unlike Jay Leno, and he’s innovative, unlike Letterman. The rest just aren’t in the same league.”

---

Best Judge/Authority:

NOMINEES:

• Paula Abdul, American Idol
• Simon Cowell, American Idol
• Janice Dickinson, America’s Next Top Model
• Faye Dunaway, The Starlet
• Carolyn Kepcher, The Apprentice 3
• Bruno Tonioli, Dancing with the Stars

WINNER: Carolyn Kepcher, The Apprentice 3
Paul Scheer was a big Bruno Tonioli fan (“Like Roberto Beninni on Speed”) and many others stated their devotion to Janice Dickinson (Kat: “The woman you love to love.”), but this category was all about Carolyn. B-Side explained his rationale: “When choosing between Paula and Carolyn, I gotta consider the WASP factor. I love WASPs.” Mark Lisanti, meanwhile, succumbed to a territorial lust: “One day, she will be mine. Oh yes.”

---

Best Host:

NOMINEES:

• Jeff Probst, Survivor: Palau
• Phil Koegan, Amazing Race 7
• Ryan Seacrest, American Idol
• Donald Trump, The Apprentice 3
• Gordon Ramsey, Hell’s Kitchen
• Xzibit, Pimp My Ride

WINNER: Phil Koegan, Amazing Race 7

This category was a real surprise. We thought this would be a toss-up between Phil Koegan and Jeff Probst, but the Survivor host only pulled in one vote from Andy Dehnart who noted, “Jeffy has become more and more of an active presence with each subsequent season, and in many ways, he’s a stand-in for viewers.” He might be a stand-in, but when it comes to our hearts, we’re clearly all Phil fans. sg-dub chalks it up to old fashioned breeding: “He’s a class act and a real Choo-Choo Charlie.” Surprisingly, Xzibit ranked a strong second, followed by none other than Gordon Ramsey, for whom EdHill seems to have a man-crush: “My catch phrase for the summer was randomly screaming ‘BLOODY RISOTTO!!’ in a British accent.”

---

Best Hostess:

NOMINEES:

• Dawn, MTV’s The 70s House
• Heidi Klum, Project Runway
• Julie Chen, Big Brother 6
• Missy Elliot, Missy Elliot’s Road to Stardom
• Tyra Banks, America’s Next Top Model

WINNER: (tie) Tyra Banks, America’s Next Top Model, Julie Chen, Big Brother 6

Heidi Klum definitely had her fans and was in fact only one vote away from making this a three-way tie. Mark Lisanti was a big fan of her work, remarking, “She bravely outperformed Bravo’s first choice, a tangled pile of wire hangers.” As for the world-famous Julie Chen, a.k.a. The Chenbot, Andy Dehnart wrote, “Julie Chen’s hosting is about as far away from ‘best’ as is possible, but if she wins, she’ll be encouraged to come back next year and suck for three more months, keeping us enraptured by her awfulness.” Meanwhile, Tyra fans kept it real. J-Unit: “Tyra Banks gives me a boner.”

---

Best Reality Star, Male:

NOMINEES:

• Bo Bice, American Idol
• Chris, The Apprentice 3
• Dewberry, Hell’s Kitchen
• Greg and Brian, Amazing Race 7
• John Gulager, Project: Greenlight
• John O’Hurley, Dancing With The Stars
• Kaysar, Big Brother 6
• Lynn and Alex, Amazing Race 7

WINNER: Kaysar, Big Brother 6

At first, this looked like it would be a surprise upset with John O’Hurley stealing the crown away from Kaysar. Paul Scheer wrote, “He really is J. Peterman. Watching him week after week is the closest thing we’ll get to a Seinfeld spin-off.” But eventually the voting results relented to the inevitable Kaysar lobby. sg-dub all but took a lead pipe to our heads when he wrote, “Listen to me through my clenched teeth and look into my intense glare. We. Must. Give. This. Award. To. Kaysar.” I think sg-dub’s been spending a bit too much time covering Prison Break…

---

Best Reality Star, Female:

NOMINEES:

• Carrie Underwood, American Idol
• Naima, America’s Next Top Model: Cycle 4
• Gretchen, Amazing Race 7
• Janelle, Big Brother 6
• Kathy Griffin, Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List
• Maria, The Apprentice 2
• Stephenie, Survivor: Palau
• Whitney Houston, Being Bobby Brown

WINNER: Janelle, Big Brother 6

Our first double Gasm winner. Janelle easily staved off the competition to win this category. B-Side called her “Possibly one of the best reality stars of all time. And hopefully my future bride.” Meanwhile, Bravo divas Whitney Houston and Kathy Griffin tied for second-place. Andy Dehnart wrote, “Reality TV and Kathy Griffin are the best pairing since Bert and Ernie.” Honestly, have there been no good pairings since Bert and Ernie?

---

Best Actress:

NOMINEES:

• Shohreh Aghdashloo, 24
• Melinda Clarke, The OC
• Marcia Cross, Desperate Housewives
• Jennifer Garner, Alias
• Kerri Kenney, Reno 911!
• Mary Lynn Rajskub, 24
• Nicolette Sheridan, Desperate Housewives

WINNER: Shohreh Aghdashloo, 24

No contest here. Emmy’s biggest snub finds nothing but love at the Golden Gasms. Paul Scheer lauded her performance, saying, “She did it all. She’s Bad, She’s Good, She’s Shot in the Head.”

---

Best Actor:

NOMINEES:

• Will Arnett, Arrested Development
• Adam Brody, The OC
• Steve Carrell, The Office
• Hugh Laurie, House, MD
• Dennis Leary, Rescue Me
• Peter Gallagher, The OC
• Jeremy Piven, Entourage
• Kiefer Sutherland, 24

WINNER: Jeremy Piven, Entourage

Another near-tie. Jeremy Piven inched out Will Arnett by one vote to win this coveted award. “Gotta give props to Piven,” explained B-Side, “The choice is more obvious than the hair implants atop his head. ZING!!! Tips in the jar. I’m here all week…”

---

Best Television Series, Scripted:

NOMINEES:

• 24
• Arrested Development
• Battlestar Galactica
• Desperate Housewives
• House MD
• The OC
• Veronica Mars

WINNER: 24

At least one writer was upset with these nominations. Youcantmakeitup fumed, “How come Six Feet Under was left out?? By far the best scripted show out there.” Such is the nature of awards season. Nevertheless, although Arrested Development received a healthy amount of votes for second place, 24 still spanked it for the win. sg-dub cited this season’s totally credible storyline: “Knock out the internet to execute the Secretary of State to steal a fighter jet to kill the president to steal nuclear codes and start a war with China. In 24 hours. The writers need to be rewarded.” B-Side meanwhile had a very simple question: “How can one show be so exciting yet so funny?”

---

Best Television Series, Unscripted:

NOMINEES:

• Amazing Race: Season 7
• America’s Next Top Model: Cycle 3
• Big Brother 6
• Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List
• Project: Greenlight Season 3
• Project: Runway
• Survivor: Pulau

WINNER: Big Brother 6
Another near-tie. Yes, The Amazing Race had a fantastic seventh season, causing writers such as Youcantmakeitup to whimsically declare, “Always and forever.” But pound for pound, it was hard to top Big Brother this summer. Fans have been calling Big Brother 6 the best ever, including B-Side who gushed that the show, “provided some of the most compelling, exciting, and fascinating drama of the year. I mean, I voted on the CBS.com website. I never do that.” Other series putting in a solid showing were the two “Projects”, Project Runway and Project: Greenlight. Can’t deny Heidi Klum and a big fat guy who bathes in a sink.