Golden Globes 2010 – HAITI

Welcome to the booziest awards show of the year! Well, except the Grammy’s, but we’ll get to that later this month. I invited my good friends Monamonzano and Amanda over and we downed a few bottles of wine and some Little Caesar’s (of course) while pointing at the TV and laughing really hard. This isn’t a recap, per se, just some friends having a good time in front of a giant TV with a dog at our sides that had some really sour wind. Join us, won’t you? This is the 2010 Golden Globes!!

I will be going for a solid MEH tonight.

(Pizza has just arrived. Wine has just been corked. Let’s do this.)

Mona: HEY!! Ready for the GGs?

Amanda: Gossip Girl?

Mona: Golden Globules.

Amanda: Golden Gout.

Flipit: Golden Girls HOLLER.

Best show of all time award goes to…

Mona: I’m usually masturbating/crying when I watch the Golden Globes. Not this year!

Flipit: I have paper towels, which should cover both bases….

(Ricky Gervais comes out to do his opening monologue)

Flipit: Ricky’s so thin!! And tan! Creepy. I like my Ricky pasty.

Mona: He looks like he stepped out of a time capsule.

Flipit: From the future. He was never that thin in the past. The announcer sounds drunk already.

Amanda: I hope he’s still funny even though he’s skinny now.

Mona: He won’t be.

Flipit: Why does George Clooney look so scared? He’s afraid Ricky’s gonna call him gay or some shit. Or he’s thinking about HAITI. We will hear that word eight million times in the next three hours.

Gayti

Amanda: Dude behind Carell has pink eye.

Now let’s all wash our hands.

Flipit: Or someone said “Haiti” to him. Cuz you know that’s all they’re talking about. I can’t look at Ricky without a muffin top.

Mona: Fuck thin people. Stop plugging your “Office” DVDs, Ricky!!

Flipit: I hope Julia Roberts has something to hock. Like hair extensions. Or other people’s husbands.

Amanda: Are those AIDS ribbons?

Mona: Haiti ribbons I think.

Flipit: But they’re red!! They just stole from AIDS!

Amanda: They’re bedazzled AIDS ribbons.

Flipit: So now Haiti’s more fabulous than AIDS? This is offensive.

Amanda: I have a sinking feeling Precious is gonna lose tonight.

(Ricky makes a joke about all the cosmetic surgery in the room.)

Flipit: He said cosmetic surgery and then the camera paused on Meryl. Not cool. Not cool at all.

The cameraman? FIRED.

Mona: I’m hating Ricky G and his self-assured giggles. He still has snaggle teeth, though, and I like that.

(Ricky makes some dick jokes.)

Amanda: Cameron Diaz is all “Good think I spent all day getting pretty and wearing expensive clothes and jewels to hear a dick joke.”

Flipit: Why does everyone look weird?

Amanda: Under chin cam.

Mona: Jowl cam.

Jowl Cam

Flipit: How come everyone else looks old and haggard but Sigourney Weaver has one really bright light on her face and only her face?

Mona: She’s been sainted because of all her Alien work.

Flipit: Ricky’s drinking tea I think. Way to fight stereotypes! Or beer. Comment still stands.

(Nicole Kidman comes out to present award for….something. Haiti?)

Amanda: Gather round, kids! Giraffe Kidman!! Is there a sale at ToysR’Us?

Flipit: She looks like a mop in that dress. Wait. What happened in Haiti?

Mona: Her nipples are hard.

Amanda: Just one. You can’t get too hard when you’re talking about Haiti.

Mona: Speak for yourself.

Amanda: George Clooney is getting motion sickness from Haiti talk.

Flipit: Where’s his ribbon? Today in Target the lady checking me out said she was depressed watching all these people buy so many frivolous things after what happened in Haiti. I was like “should I put back the Glade plugins?”

Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture

Amanda: And the winner for best smokey eyeliner is…..

Stop raccoons from going into your trash with a brick on the lid. Brought to you by Up in the Air.

Flipit: Mo’Nique!! She should get an award fro just putting on makeup and coming out of the house after that movie. I would be hiding.

I’m crazy.

Flipit: The mousy girl looks really pissed about Mo’Nique winning. I want backstory.

Flipit: Mariah’s like Hey! I was ugly on camera too I deserve something!

Amanda: She had her chance to give a speech. Do you remember that?

Mona: Will never forget.

Mona: Glad to see Mo win. She deserved something for Phat Girlz.

Flipit: God’s happy a black person one so someone thanks him tonight.

(Mo talks about this being a wild ride and says how touched she is.)

Amanda: Mo’Nique’s Wild Ride.

Mona: Did she make an incest joke? Bad form, Mo.

(Mo’nique says her award is for all the people who have been touched. Now it’s time to tell!)

Mona: Incest incest incest.

Amanda: I’ve been touched! Mo’nique has set me freeeeeee!!!

Flipit: I hope people aren’t talking about being molested around the water cooler all week. I will be really pissed at Mo’nique.

Flipit: Harrison’s like I just pooped my pants and my wife’s not even fifty! WOOHOOOOO!!!

Best Actress in a Comedy Series

Amanda: She forgot to take the tag off her dress. It’s just tucked into the front.

Flipit: Toni Collette peed on a bed in United States of Tara, she should win.

Amanda: As a man-eater on the prowl, Courtney Cox as Courtney Cox.

Flipit: Nurse Jackie has claw hair!! Glad to see cholas are still being represented somewhere.

Amanda: Lean back further BJ Novack and you might make it onto the Golden Globes!

(Toni Collette wins.)

Mona: Ugh. United States of Juno.

Flipit: I like both of those so I’m ok with it.

Flipit: Edie Falco can’t fake it very well for someone who had Tony Soprano on top of her for so many years.

(Toni is full on Aussie accent in her speech and talks about how last time she won an award she was in the loo.)

Flipit: Speak American!

Amanda: Lou got banged good that night. Why does she keep talking about “confronting shows”?

Flipit: I hope United States of Tara tells Modern Family off.

Amanda: Toni is looking very rusty tonight.

Flipit: She looks like Michael Kors.

Mona: Oil her.

Amanda: Or like Sophia Loren at the Oscars.

Flipit: Or a purse. Remember Toni before tanning beds and teeth straightening? I liked her better fat and insecure. It’s like she would have hung out with me back then. Now she’ll just ignore me until she needs someone to buy her a drink.

Mona: I liked her in that wedding movie with ABBA songs too.

Amanda: Somebody Took A Chance on Her.

(pic of paul mccartney and his new wife.)

Flipit: That poor girl is destined to lose a leg.

(Lauren Grahm tells us a “Second Generation Performer” is coming out to be the Golden Globe girl.)

Amanda: Second Generation Performer?! Burn whoever they are about to announce.

Mona: It’s just gonna be an old cell phone.

Amanda: It’s gonna be a landline Michael Douglas. I love watching the Golden Globes in this mansion. Butlers serving us champagne… this two story roaring fireplace is so lovely.

Flipit: Thanks for coming over, guys!

Amanda: It’s weird that you forced us all to be naked, though. But I’m getting used to it.

Mona: We’re gonna die tonight, aren’t we?

Amanda: At least I’ll die naked, like I promised everyone in high school.

Flipit: Why is Robert DeNiro so angry?

Mona: His face is frozen like that.

(And now, let’s meet the Golden Globes girl for the year! MAVIS! Alfre Woodard’s kid)

Flipit: Michelle Obama! What lovely arms! Stay quiet, Michelle! There will be no lines for you.

Amanda: “Are you applauding my oddly long arms?” – Mavis

Best Supporting Actor in a Drama

(“Jon Hurt: Damages”)

Amanda: Will Jon Hurt Damages?

Flipit: Jon Hurt’s son looks like a tall straight Tom Cruise. So much facial hair tonight. We get it. You’re all sad about Haiti. You still have to bathe and shave, k?

Flipit: Ew I hate Piven! WaffleBoy just sent me a txt that says “how many dolls had to die for Piven’s hair?” LOL.

Mona: I waited on him once. As a tip he left me an Entourage DVD.

Flipit: You should have pooped in his salad. Lithgow for the win!! And he wins!

Amanda: He’s come a long way from those Progresso soup ads.

Mona: His lips are purple.

Flipit: It’s good to see a man so comfortable with blush.

Amanda: The older Lithgow gets the more he looks like a Cabbage Patch Kid.

Flipit: Willa Jane Veronica!

(Lithgow thanks his wife for putting up with being creeped out by him for the six months he shot Dexter)

Amanda: Six months? Try twenty eight years.

Flipit: This is unfair. Every award should go to a Haitian child tonight.

Mona: But where will they put it?

(Paul McCartney comes up to present the award for Best Animated Feature.)

Amanda: Team Paul! F U Ringo.

Mona: He’s still in his eighties button phase.

Amanda: Animation is for adults on drugs…?

Mona: I’m an ADULT and I demand real actors in my films. Real human/frog hybrid actors.

Flipit: EW!! Terri Hatcher is scarier in real life than she was in Coraline. The button eyes were scary, but you should see her try and change her facial expressions on Desperate Housewives. Nightmare inducing.

(Up wins Best Animated Film)

Flipit: The Dancing With the Stars trophy is way more tasteful. I knew this guy was gonna win the first second I saw his Obama years. Man, people really love Obama.

(Commercials. You are watching the 67th Annual Golden Globes! )

Amanda: 67th! I thought this was the 69th! I’m outta here!

Flipit: You dont wanna 69 with me in the room. I just giggle and say things like “ew!” and “your balls are hurting me!”

Flipit: Haiti looks like East Hollywood on a normal day.

Amanda: Let’s change the name of Haiti to Lovie. Text something to something.

(Kate Hudson comes out to intro a clip from Nine.)

Amanda: Kate Hudson looks like a wedding cake.

Flipit: Why are Nine stars even allowed in? Didn’t that movie blow? I’m gay and I didn’t even go. TO A MUSICAL. That’s a bad sign.

Mona: Nine. Like, I wanna stab myself Nine times. Fergie’s penis is showcased in it.

(Ricky comes out and tells us how many emails he’s received this week)

Amanda: Emails from girl on goat re-subscribe.

Flipit: The audience is uproarious and he’s not even saying anything. They’re like “he talks funny LOLOLLL.”

Mona: Just think about how much pussy Ricky Gervais is getting right now.

Flipit: GROSS.

(Felicity Huffman comes out to tell us how important the Globes are and stumbles all over her lines.)

Flipit: Desperate Housewives has rotted her brain. Felicity looks like she’s let her hubby be a stay at home dad for too long. 2010: The Year Grooming Died.

Amanda: He wasn’t allowed out of the house after Wild Hogs.

Amanda: Power couple! Filliam H Muffman.

Mona: I thought she had a stain on her dress but it was just low cut.

Flipit: Her boobs look like elbows. Why did she get new teeth? Her old ones were fine.

Mona: The new ones are made from the teeth of small children.

Amanda: Haitian children. Never forget. Text something to somewhere.

(Some special old guy comes out to be like “yay film we’re awesome violins blah”)

Flipit: Boring old people break!!

Mona: Is that Harry Carey?

Mona: No! The guy from the Six Flags commercials!! Finally, some real famous people!

(The guy says something about film related charities)

Amanda: Film related charities? Like Ricky Gervais movies?

Film realted charity.

Flipit: More ribbons. Why don’t they just make metal ribbon pins that they can just press buttons to change the colors for different tragedies? It would save a lot of…ribbon trees?

(Jane Krasinski and Doogie Howser present Best Actor TV Series award)

Amanda: Why is Doogie being dicky?

Mona: He doesn’t like being out funnied by a lady.

Flipit: Jane has a really strong waddle. She works that thing out.

Flipit: Simon Baker from Mentalist FTW!! He wears vests in every scene cuz his character holds things close to his chest. LOL. I read that in TVGuide. He’s so method you guys.

Amanda: Mad Men is still around?

Flipit: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. That show’s nominated for best game show. That shit’s not going anywhere. It just won an Obie and a Scholastic Book award. Best Car of the Year: Mad Men.

Amanda: Michael C Hall won!

Flipit: Love Dexter!! But hey. You’re inside! Take off your hat!

Mona: He has cancer!

Flipit: My bad. But if you’re gonna wear a hat, wear a top hat. Have cancer in style.

Amanda: Whoever invented the man cancer cap is gonna be a millionaire.

Mona: Bill Paxton’s date is a little young.

Flipit: Bill Paxton’s like “I’m so getting cancer.”

Amanda: Mad Men, that Drew Barrymore movie from 1996?

Flipit: NO! It’s a SHOOOOOW!!!

LOL Lithgow.

(Doogie and Jane stay onstage to present Best Actress in a TV Drama)

Flipit: Glenn Close always looks like she wants. Those. PUPPPIIIIIIEEES!

Amanda: They announced Kira Sedgewick but the camera doesn’t leave Anna Paquin’s boobs.

Flipit: How can it? Anna did her first nude scene and now won’t put her boobs away. We get it, Anna. You’re an adult! Adults own sweaters! COVER UP!

(Julianna Marguiles wins for The Good Wife)

Mona: Who watches that show?

Flipit: I have a season pass!! I love it! I’m waiting for a guest starring appearance by Matlock. She won cuz everyone in Hollywood has been cheated on multiple times and they get it.

Amanda: She’s wearing a bedazzled dominatrix harness.

Flipit: She looks like she’s gonna ice skate.

Amanda: I’d like to thank Ridley Scott, David Scott, Scott Scott, Mad Men Scott, Scott Haiti, and Scott Paper towels.

Mona: Did someone punch Julianna in the gut? She sounds winded.

Flipit: She was just ice skating give her a break. Hell yeah I’d thank that husband too. Yowza.

Flipit: They’re still letting Mickey Rourke in? When does his pass expire?

Mona: He’s just working with the catering crew, don’t worry.

Flipit: He has some to go boxes in his back pack.

Can I borrow a few bucks?

It’s almost as good as some other movie!

Mona: Someone hired Brendan Frasier!!

Amanda: And Felicity?

Flipit: Add in Carnie Wilson and it will be “NOT EVER GONNA SEE THAT SHIT” trifecta. Brendan Fraser looks like a drunk hick tonight. Did you see him on the red carpet? I used to want to marry him. I’m glad he took out that restraining order. It saved me from having to break up with him later.

(Harrison Ford comes out to present the Up in the Air clip)

Mona: He’s like that animatronic Lincoln at Disneyland.

Flipit: But with an earring! LOL! So YOUTHFUL! You know what else is youthful? Old ass balls that hang down to your knees.

Amanda: Nobody burned this movie in a back pack yet?

Flipit: Up in the Air MEH. I want a movie about the people who work on Southwest Airlines and think they’re working the Catskills. I hate those people.

(Clip is over. Harrison goes off to act young somewhere and Ricky Gervais makes a joke about how Paul McCartney lost so much money last year to Heather Mills.)

Mona: Paul McCartney didn’t hear that but he’s pissed anyway.

Flipit: Julia Roberts flirts with everyone. You know she has her hand on his knee. Have you ever seen her on Oprah? She’s a flirt slut.

(Cher comes out with Christina Aguilera to present Best Song in a Movie)

Amanda: Morticia Addams and an Albino.

Flipit: Cher looks like Adam Lambert. Or is it the other way around? I can’t tell any more.

Mona: Cher is wearing a black hightop. Lace that fucker up.

Amanda: They’re both wearing Project Runway fails.

Flipit: Christina looks like she’s desperate to feed a baby. Nine looks like a Clairol commercial.

Mona: Now with wrinkle release.

Flipit: That guy in Avatar has the prettiest crabs ever.

Amanda: The title of the song from Crazy Heart: “GET OUT MY HEART!!! I LOVE MY HEART YO&*$U IN MY HEART YOU DON$$T KNOW MY HEART!!!”

Flipit: U2 is so consistent. They have made millions of songs that sound the same. It’s a talent.

Amanda: OUCH MY HEART!!

(The winner is announced. Crazy Heart guy!)

Flipit: He looks dead.

Mona: Is he blind?

Flipit: Harrison Ford is gonna steal his sunglasses to complete his youthful look.

Amanda: He has a combover AND a full head of hair.

Flipit: Cher looks like she’s holding up the line waiting for the mac and cheese to be replenished at Luby’s.

(Now the award for Best Original Score. Cher won’t leave, so she presents.)

Amanda: Keep on fondling that envelope, Cher.

Mona: I couldn’t hear Cher through her lips.

Flipit: Nicole is super interested in the dude who won Best Original Score.

Did you hear about Haiti?

Flipit: Collin’s off Meth!! Congrats! You should sing a song with Whitney.

(Commercials and wine refills.)

Amanda: Luke Wilson went to build a bear and got stuffed a little too much. The Golden Globes will return soon, but in the meantime, ….Oscar Myer. Just think about it.

Flipit: That girl’s gonna be a gynecologist.

(And we’re back. Everyone in the audience is standing and mingling)

Amanda: Everyone sit down it’s starting! And it’s Josh Brolin, so don’t be standing.

Really. Sit.

(Now the Award for Best Miniseries/TV Movie presented by Josh Brolin!)

Flipit: What about that movie from Lifetime about the woman being chased? HOW WAS THAT NOT NOMINATED!!

Amanda: Which?

Flipit: Any of them. The only one I saw was Grey Gardens so yay.

Mona: I’ve seen none of these. I’m not interested in history.

(Grey Gardens wins!)

Flipit: Ew that woman needs some boob tape.

Mona: There must have been a memo for all winners to take the longest path to get to the stage and move as creepily as possible.

(The music starts playing three seconds into the speech.)

Flipit: She’s like play the music all you want I WILL SAY IDIOSYNCRATIC!!! The poor brunette never even got to speak. It must have been cold there in my shadow, Barbara Hershey.

(They refuse to leave and yell above the music)

Mona: Get off the stage!! You got your twenty dollar word out now GO!

Flipit: Jessica Lange is taking this time to cruise the party for an after awards show bang.

Amanda: Marty Scorcese fell asleep in the roses.

(Tom Hanks intros a clip of Meryl Streep’s movie where she wasn’t married to creepy ass Stanley Tucci.)

Flipit: This was the year Meryl really cemented her laugh acting. She laughed in every scene of every movie she was in. Even when she was crying, she was laughing.

Amanda: And now, to present the award for Best Actress in a Comedy or Musical, the hilarious Colin Farrell!

Mona: Sandra Bullock brought her pimp.

Flipit: I love you Julia Roberts! She should win the award for Healthiest Gums.

Mona: Duplicity? Didn’t that come out like four years ago?

Flipit: Meryl looks like a Kabuki star.

Amanda: Meryl Streep is acting like she didn’t know she was nominated.

Amanda: She won for…her career.

Flipit: That movie was popular for one line: “BUTTER.”

Mona: Stanley Tucci gives a knowing nod.

Amanda: Then rapes and kills a little girl.

Mona: Loved that movie!

Flipit: Michelle Obama’s like “WHAT. EVER.”

(Meryl says she’s changing her name to TBone.)

Flipit: HUH?

Mona: She’s drunker than Colin Farrell.

Flipit: She and Lithgow shared blush.

Amanda: Why is she acting like she doesn’t know how to give an acceptance speech?

Mona: Or that she’s an actor? It’s like she wandered onstage and took a paperweight.

Flipit: Oh no. A dead mom speech. So sad!! Did she die in Haiti? George Clooney’s all “I should do something about that.”

Amanda: They’re so not cutting TBone off.

Mona: They’d get blacklisted.

Flipit: The song’s not gonna play all night cuz Meryl won’t stop. Which is sad, cuz I wanted to hear the bridge.

Amanda: She’s gonna look like Betty White soon.

Mona: Who invited Cameron Diaz?

Flipit: The woman from Nine is only crying cuz the dead Haiti mom story was sad. It has nothing to do with LOSING.

Amanda: Is David Duchovney in Avatar?

Mona: He plays a sex addict.

Flipit: He brought the floating crabs to the planet.

Amanda: What are David and Tea doing together? I thought she’d had enough.

Flipit: He may be a low down dirty cheating dog, but a girl’s still got a right to good seats at the GG’s.

(Helen Mirren comes out to talk about Precious.)

Flipit: Helen Mirren can’t walk cuz her water bra is too full.

Mona: Talk about tits!! Check out the cast of Precious! All the old people look like they’re dressed for their own funerals.

Amanda: She’s British so she’s wearing her ribbon on the opposite side of her dress.

(Helen Mirren: “An illiterate, troubled teenager coping with an abusive mother and a second pregnancy caused by her own father.”)

Flipit: She’s advertising Fantasia For Real!! Go VH1!! Oh. It’s Precious. It hurts to even watch that preview.

(Now the romantic leads of Avatar come out to announce the award for Best Actor in a TV Series or TV Movie .)

Mona: Zoe Saldana isn’t blue! So blackface is cool if it’s blue.

Flipit: I want that dude to take off his pants so I can see if he has chicken legs like he does in the movie.

Mona: I still want to have sex with Kenneth Branagh. And Jeremy Irons!

Flipit: GROSS! He’s one big sun spot at this point.

Mona: You mean tan?

Amanda: So it’s between the guy who looks like Elvis Costello and the other guy who looks like Elvis Costello.

Kevin Bacon wins!

Flipit: Kevin Bacon still talks like he’s in Quicksilver.

Mona: Incredible producers, brah!

Amanda: So the glasses were just a prop?

Flipit: Now that I have to read, I will take off my glasses.

Mona: His hair looks like soft chicken feathers.

Flipit: Does he have a fauxhawk? Kira lets him out of the house looking like a contestant on a Bravo show? EW.

(HE thanks bunch of weird names.)

Flipit: Kira’s like did he just not thank me? Cuz I’ll go Brenda Lee Johnson on his ass.

(Now for Best Actress in a TV Movie)

Flipit: Drew wore that prickly thing so she won’t fall asleep on her shoulder.

Flipit: They announced Jessica Lange’s name but didn’t show her. Rude.

Mona: Anna Paquin, put AWAY your tiny tits! Seriously. The cast of Precious is next to you! Get over it.

(Drew wins!!)

Amanda: Now let’s wait for Drew to walk from Balcony c.

Flipit: Jessica Lange’s like “when is this over? I’m tired and I have a Mentalist on the betamax.

(Drew talks about how she’s been coming to these awards since she was seven years old.)

Flipit: When she was seven she was doing lines under the table, though.

Mona: She never said she REMEMBERED being there.

(Drew says that she just wants to repeat everything Mo’Nique said.)

Amanda: Later Drew jerks of Mo’Nique.

Flipit: Did you ever think you would see a time in history that people were quoting Mo’Nique in a good way?

(Drew can’t believe she got the part in the first place.)

Amanda: Yeah, Drew Barrymore, they took a real risk on a no name like you.

Flipit: What is Drew even saying? She’s just reading a sudoku puzzle out loud right now. WTF?

Mona: She said 1, 9, 7, 6, 8. Oh. You’re right. She literally just read a sudoku puzzle.

WHAT?

Amanda: That was inspiring….Coming up next, Jennifer Aniston gets dumped by Gerard Butler.

COMMERCIALS

Mona: So many drugs. I’m confused. Do I want Abilify or a herpes medication? Together they’re deadly. Deadly awesome.

Flipit: Can lead to coma or death. LOL. You can’t drive or swallow, but you’ll be happy, dammit!

Amanda: I’m good with uncontrollable muscle movement and death, but high sugar? Hell no, I’m watching my points

(And we’re back! )

Amanda: And the winner is…The Winter Olympics.

(Cameron Diaz presents a clip from It’s Complicated.)

Flipit: Cameron Diaz. Why did she stuff the front of her panties? Weird. She looks like a fat person who lost three hundred pounds and now just has skin hanging off.

Amanda: Oh no. It’s Complicated. Amanda: If Steve Martin plays the banjo tonight I’ll kill myself.

Flipit: Why is pasty and blushy the look this year? It’s hideous.

Mona: Squinty eyes are also in Vogue.

Amanda: She has jock itch.

Flipit: Nancy Meyer hates her stupid ass.

(Ricky comes back out to tell us some more jokeys.)

Flipit: Ricky took off his spanx.

(Ricky intros Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler)

Flipit: Ricky just introduced them as Rachel of Friends and the dude from 300!! LOL

Amanda: Crickets. People are not fans of these two.

Flipit: Jen’s like “we’ll see if anyone has the guts to break up with me tonight!”

Mona: Someone gets fired if Jennifer Aniston has to put her hair up for ANY reason.

(Best Screenplay)

Flipit: District 9 wasted a lot of money. They should have just shot in front of the Home Depot in E Hollywood. I have to have a Home Depot joke in every recap. Sorry.

Mona: Rachel Dratch?

Flipit: I think she looks like Meridith Viera.

Amanda: Chandler says, “Gerard Butler, could you be anymore boring?”

Flipit: Gerard’s like “sorry Jen. I’m breaking up with you.” Just cuz someone should tonight.

(Up in the Air wins!)

Mona: Ugh, Jason Reitman looks like he belongs in an indie band.

Amanda: He’s a Jason Schwartzman wannabe.

Mona: He failed out of drumming school.

Flipit: George Clooney is smiling! Quick! Someone say Haiti!

Amanda: George Clooney is laughing about an inside joke from Ocean’s 12.

(Jason Reitman thanks his inspirational wife)

Flipit: His wife inspired that movie? She must be a bitch.

Mona: She hates people.

Flipit: Yikes. His mom looks like a wax figure of Zsa Zsa.

(Ashton comes out to present)

Flipit: He’s going to look 14 forever. Demi Moore is one dirty slut.

Amanda: Kate Winslet: “Ashton’s here. How do I look?”

(Now for the Best Actor in a comedy/musical TV show!)

Mona: Ugh, Glee.

Flipit: HOW DARE YOU?!? THEY SIIIIIING!! But Hung has a giant penis.

Amanda: Thomas Jane “I just want my kids back!”

Flipit: Thomas Jane can’t win cuz I don’t want his wife Patricia Arquette to feel insecure and then start giving bad Medium performances.

Mona: Alec Baldwin wins for playing himself!!

Flipit: Alec can’t be here. He’s busy calling his daughter a pig and slashing Kim’s tires.

Amanda: Quiet everyone Maggie Gyllenhaal has something to say.!!!

Flipit: All together now! One…two…three..

Flipit, Amanda and Mona: HAITIIIIIIII!!!!! Text something to somewhere!

(And next, the guys who hold the results.)

Amanda: NO DEAL.

Flipit: Homely or Mo Homely.

(Commercial. When we come back, Samuel Jackson is on stage)

Mona: Samuel L Jackson as…father time.

Mona: Sophia Loren has glitter tattoos.

Flipit: Nicole is afraid of her.

Mona: I’m confused. Contacts exist.

Flipit: But can you see two colors out of them?

Amanda: She’s doing a Danny Gokey impression.

Mona: She looks like she’s getting ready for bed.

Flipit: She’s gonna start applying cold cream.

Mona: She’s got a bathrobe and a toothbrush under her seat. And now for the Un-American movies category.

Flipit: Avatar!

Amanda: Maid Fight looks good.

Flipit: Has there ever been a bad maid fight? Not in my house.

Mona: I like the German remake of “Children of the Corn”

Amanda: Any movie that ends with, “and discovers his soul” I’ll pass on.

Flipit: They should make a movie about my maid. I film her when I leave the house and it’s hours of pleasure, I tell you. I spent an hour last week watching her try to work the remote control.

Amanda: Antici….pation. There’s a movie called The White Ribbon. The audience is so mad. They’re all wearing red ribbons.

(White Ribbon from Germany wins!! )

Flipit: He won a Golden Globe but his prize is a Rosetta Stone tape. Dude. Those are expensive. He should be grateful.

Mona: Beautiful red lips.

Flipit: You can be American, German, French or Spanish. At the end of the day you’re gonna look like Santa Claus.

Amanda: He was drinking blood just before.

Amanda: Don’t forget the ceiling!

Flipit: Santa only got two seconds. Meryl got two hours.

Mona: Germans still have to pay.

Vaz ees he sayink? I gannod underztand hees agzent!

Flipit: Arnold Swartzy? WTH? Hey how bout you fix the potholes on my street you asshole.

(Amy Poehler and Chuck come out to present. They make silly sex jokes. )

Amanda: Cameron Diaz is all I’m glad I got my hair professionally done and rented these really expensive shoes to watch Amy Pohler and Chuck make sex jokes.

Flipit: Best Drama Series!! YAY!! Big Love, Mad Men! True Blood! These are all great shows. Dammit Anna put those sacks away! You were in The Piano!

Amanda: Speaking of The Piano, where is Saving Grace?

Flipit: At home putting pins in her Anna Paquin doll. Gee, let me guess. Mad Men’s gonna win! IT DOES!! Matt Weiner looks like George Costanza. And he rips off all his plot lines from The Sopranos. But I still love this show I can’t help it!

I would like to thank Sopranos for the plots.

Mona: Weiner made a Jew joke! We’re all Jews, get it??

Amanda: Making The White Ribbon table really uncomfortable.

Mona: Everyone looks like they’re from the present day. I’m confused.

(Guy from Twilight. )

Amanda: Team Jacob!!

Mona: What happened to curfews? They let the Twilight kid out past midnight.

Flipit: That kid is only cute cuz he’s young. When he’s older he’s gonna look like a butt.

Amanda: Button nose?

Flipit: No dude he has a butt face. Look.

Amanda: At least it’s a cute butt.

Mona: No way. He’s gonna look like a pug. And I’d fuck a pug.

Flipit: Uh…..

(Now for a clip of 500 Days of Summer)

Amanda: Joseph Gordon Levitt! Poor French Stewart and Kristen Johnson. They’re lonely tonight.

(Best Supporting Actress in a TV Show.)

Flipit: Kristen Bell just got out of the shower.

Amanda: Kristen Bell: Napkin dress part two.

Flipit: Rose Byrne looks just as bored in real life.

Amanda: Jane Lynch is getting some “I’m finally a star” ass. YAY!

(Chloe Sevigni wins and ignores Tom Hanks as he stands to congratulate her.)

Amanda: Burn, Tom Hanks!!

Flipit: Someone’s not a Bosom Buddies fan!

Mona: Chloe is gonna fire some people, she’s so happy!

Flipit: Sue was robbed, but I love Chloe and she’s putting a lot of Kleenex to work tonight.

(Some presenter steps on her dress and rips it. She’s visually pissed. )

Flipit: That’s what she gets for dissing Tom Hanks. The guy who ripped it is walking around thinking he has toiletpaper stuck to the bottom of his shoe.

Amanda: She is so Nicky.

Flipit: She has nothing to say and she sounds like such a bitch when she says it. Love her.

(Ricky’s back and drinking more.)

Mona: Gervais just drank urine.

Flipit: He just introduced Halle Berry as the actress from Catwoman. That’s the most offensive thing he’s said all night.

Mona: Ugh. Aren’t we over the shittiness of Catwoman?

Flipit: You obvs didn’t see it. That’s something you never get over.

Ok areola.

Amanda: Enter Halle Berry from 5 years ago, everyone whispers.

Man, Catwoman sucked right?

Flipit: Anna Paquin has competition in the most overexposed boobs category.

(Best Supporting Actor in a Drama)

Flipit: Stanley Tucci’s wig and molesterstache should win, cuz it gave the creepiest performance of the year.

(And Jew Hunter from Inglorious Basterds…come on Halle! You can pronounce it! Slooooowly. That’s right,…no? Ok let’s just keep going)

Mona: She did NOT like saying his name. Why can’t it be like, Smith?

Amanda: The White Ribbon table just got extra uncomfortable.

Flipit: Did you know Woody has lots of tantric sex w this woman? And….boner.

Amanda: And Sting and Trudie watch.

(The Jew Hunter wins.)

Flipit: What if in his speech he was like “Quentin Tarantino raped me you guys.”

Amanda: Thank you Mo’Nique for setting me freeeeee!

(The Jew Hunter gives a long kind hacky poetic speech about globes and shit. Globes, get it? No? Then I’ll repeat it ten times.)

Flipit: Quentin doesn’t even get this speech, and he’s high.

Amanda: George Lucas is getting turned on by all this orbit and planetary talk.

Flipit: Harvey’s like “mmmmm I don’t know what the fuck he’s saying but he looks tasty. I shall eat him at the after party.”

The recap continues