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This is a continuation of the first part of the Golden Globes, which you can find here.
Mona: Stop fingering the award! This isn’t The Lovely Bones!
Amanda: Did he just give Quentin credit for the big bang?
Flipit: He’s just spouting off physics. I would count the times he said “planet” “globe” or “bang” but I’m lazy. He’s totally full of shit and can’t string a sentence together. He’ll do great in this town.
Amanda: My globe got big banged by Quentin.
Flipit: Enough already, Maya Angelou. He’s ridiculous. I’m bored. Hey look at Julia Roberts. She’s so up the Beatles’ ass.
Amanda: Next up, Martin Scorsese wakes up to shake people’s hands.
There’s no snooze button at the Golden Globes.
You will lose weight or I will kill your family.
(DeNiro and DiCaprio introduce the Cecil B DeMille award to Scorcese.)
Flipit: DeNiro sounds like Jay Leno doing an impression of DeNiro.
(DeNiro makes a joke about Scorcese being so in love with film that there are internet videos of the old guy screwing film. )
Amanda: Brendan Fraser is laughing way too hard at that.
Flipit: What happened to Brendan Fraser? Did you see him on the red carpet? I’m glad he got that restraining order against me a few years ago. It saved me the awkward breaking up speech tonight.
Flipit: Brendan is there just in case George of the Jungle is nominated.
Amanda: Scorcese looks like the lead character in Up.
Amanda: Nicole Kidman is turned ON.
Mona: This is going on forever. I’m losing my boner.
Flipit: DiCaprio hasn’t mentioned Global Warming once, which is insanity.
Mona: I know. Remember Haiti?
(Leo starts comparing Scorsese to other geniuses)
Flipit: Who’s Bay-oven? DiCaprio is dumber than Cameron Diaz.
Amanda: Beethoven the movie? That’s why David Duchovney’s there!! This Scorcese montage would be better to “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”
They just a wanna! They just a wannaaaaa!
Mona: Hey, they left Crossroads out of that montage!!
Flipit: Wow Jodie Foster looked the same then as she does now. Only she’s older and more lesbionic.
Amanda: It’s weird to think that Robert DeNiro has always been older than Jodie Foster.
Flipit: Long ass montage.
Amanda: They could have inserted at least one LOL Cat in this.
Flipit: Willem hasn’t taken a bath since The Last Temptation of Christ was made. Glad for Martin but damn this is boring. He’s teeny too. Danny DeVito probably invites him over just to feel tall.
Amanda: Quentin is sneering. “Hack.” – Quentin.
Flipit: Quentin your head is too big for Botox. You look like a turtle peeking his head out of its shell.
(Marty: STILL TALKING)
Amanda: did he say something about cheeseburgers?
Mona: Leo and DeNiro look like Bodyguards.
Flipit: Rita Wilson is thinking of Haiti.
Mona: I’m pretty sure Toby Maguire just checked his watch.
Flipit: Keith Urban is like “I do a lot for you, Nicole.”
Amanda: The conductor even fell asleep.
Flipit: This is going on so long Cameron Diaz is turning into Felicity Huffman.
Mona: Cameron wishes. She’d still have a career.
(Jodie Foster is announced as the star in the upcoming movie The Beaver)
Flipit: The Beaver: Jodi Foster’s coming out movie. Please tell me that’s not the real name of her next movie. The sequel: Clit.
Mona: Jodie Foster looks like a spritely Sandra Bullock.
Amanda: Hey Bitches! Remember me? Jodie Foster! Freaky Friday!
(Clip of The Hurt Locker.)
Mona: War movies are so passe. Especially when we’re in, like, two wars.
Flipit: It’s about my childhood in Catholic school. No one told me not to wear leggings. They ruined my life. Wait. This is slightly more violent.
Mona: I thought it was about gym class for awhile.
Flipit: Less cholas.
Amanda: Ricky’s back onstage. And he’s drinking more.
Mona: URINE. STOP TALKING RICKY!
Amanda: Cameron Diaz is all “I’m glad I got my teeth whitened with Diamonds to watch Ricky Gervais drink on stage.”
Flipit: I love that everyone looks offended by a beer. Meanwhile Robert Downey Jr is chomping on gum like he’s trying to not snort the table.
Beer! Why, I never!
(Ricky: I like to drink as much as the next man. And the next man is Mel Gibson!)
Amanda: The White Ribbon table was asked to leave for this…….
Mona: James Cameron looks like a Grateful Dead Roadie.
Flipit: Gee I wonder if James Cameron will win. He’s being played tonight by John Lithgow.
The winner is JAMES CAMERON!!
Amanda: “I’m not well prepared cuz I’ve been jerking off to that blue Sigourney Weaver for four years.”
Flipit: How many dickish things can James Cameron say in one speech? “I live next door to Mel Gibson” DING! 1 Speaking in his own alien language DING! 2. Ass. Sigourney Weaver is chowing on a GIANT piece of chocolate cake.
Or a purse.
Amanda: “Thank you to the” Earth “wives.” In bed.
Flipit: I’d like to thank my wife Susan for not being Linda Hamilton so I don’t have to beat you every night.
Mona: I’d like to thank my wife and billions of dollars.
Now for Best Comedy Series.
Flipit: Glee FTW THEY SIIING!
Flipit: Glee! Yay singing! And they won! CUZ THEY SING!
Amanda: That’s gotta hurt Tina Fey.
Flipit: Then maybe she should learn to SING.
Mona: Apparently, singing and dancing make the United States forget that good writing and innovative characters are important.
Mona: Anna Paquin looks like she legitimately has heard of Glee.
Flipit: Haiti. No the creator did not just thank Barbra Streisand. LOL.
(The Cast of the Hangover to present The Hangover clip.)
Mona: Mike Tyson? He beat his way onto the show.
Flipit: If they were really interested in entertaining us, they’d haveRobert Downey Jr come out and hit on him like he did in “Black and White”
Mona: Tyson just made this awkward. More awkward.
(Reese comes out to present best comedy award. )
Amanda: The feud continues.
Flipit: Has Reese always had this chin?
Amanda: Reese Witherspoon = Skipper
Mona: Ryan Phillipe = Barbie
Flipit: Jennifer Aniston is now dating random boom operators.
(The Hangover wins….)
Flipit: I love Tina Fey’s surprise face at The Hangover.
(… and Mike Tyson takes center stage. )
Amanda: You did it, Mike Tyson!!
Flipit: Rita Wilson is still very upset about something.
Amanda: Bradley doesn’t have a ribbon. He HATES HAITI. Heather Graham brought her purse on stage because she thought the Hangover crew would steal it.
Flipit: Mickey Rourke has had so much surgery he’s starting to look like Marisa Tomei.
Mona: I’ll bet his skin is really soft, though. Like a water balloon.
Amanda: Andie MacDowell made it on the Golden Globes! In an Oil of Olay commercial.
Flipit: Well done!!
(Arnold comes on stage to mispronounce things and pretend the state’s not 20 billion in the hole.)
Flipit: Arnold will be taking donations tonight.
Mona: “Avadar. A whole new movie. Thanks, Arnie.
Flipit: I can’t believe he hasn’t been booed off stage.
(He talks about being good friends with James Cameron.)
Flipit: Cameron’s like shhhhh inside voice. We met at a fundraiser OK!?!?
Mona: Mariah Carey loves her tits as much as Ana Paquin.
(Mickey Rourke presents the Best Actress in a Movie award.)
Mona: Mickey Rourke as cowboy drag queen.
Flipit: They had to show a freakier guy than Micky. They picked that dude up in front of the Chinese Theater.
Amanda: Mickey looks like Bret Michaels and Jersey Shore fucked.
Mona: What? Sandra Bullock won for a fake southern accent and a blond wig?
Flipit: Precious is like no biggie I’ll have millions more chances to star in a movie…WAAAAHHHH!!!
Amanda: Sandra Bullock: This will hold off Jesse James for a few more minutes.
Mona: Her ponytail is falling out.
Amanda: I want to see her avadar.
Flipit: Lots of sculpting going on here. Why does she keep saying that word?
Mona: Everyone’s a sculptor. Then why is my face all jacked up? Bullock really knows how to wow an audience.
Mona: Jennifer and Gerard: DUMBFOUNDED
Flipit: It’s fun to watch English get beat up on national television. Jennifer Aniston’s face. She looks like she’s just waiting to get broken up with by Sandra.
Flipit: Congrats honey I’ll meet you at home I just need to break up with Jenn Aniston real quick.
Mona: WHO IS THAT ANOREXIC NYMPH
(Anorexic nymph announces Best Actor in a comedy)
Amanda: Joseph Gordon Levitt is sooooooooooo cocky!!
Flipit: He has no excuse to have yellow teeth. How come everyone has young asiany wives? They’re like facial hair this year. DD Lewis has never looked this cute in a movie. Wow.
Amanda: Daniel Day Lewis and Harrison Ford are gonna start and old dudes keeping it young with earrings club for men.
Flipit: Robert Downey wins for his Sherlock Holmes taquitos ads for 7-11.
Mona: He’s sounding so bitter.
Amanda: RoDoJr is all freedom of speeching.
Flipit: RoDo: Thanks, cocaine.
Mona: Ugh, why am I hating Robert Downey Jr. and his fake sarcastic speech? Sir Arthur Conan Doyle actually hated his character Sherlock Holmes. He also would probably hate RDJr.
Flipit: I love how RoDo describes the plot: “… and then he karate chopped a bunch of asian people and machine gunned down cowboys and shit.” How was that movie even called Sherlock Holmes?
Flipit: Why does Parenthood have music from a Mac commercial? That alternative thrity year old singing like a 13 year old voice. Creepy.
Amanda: Luke Wilson gets fatter in every commercial. They must have a good crafts services table on the att set.
Mona: I want him to eat a hoagie. At least that would give us some answers.
Amanda: I wanna see his food map.
(And we’re back. )
Mona: Why hasn’t Twilight won anything yet?
Flipit; Kate Winselt’s like “hyey guys call me! any time now!” was she on break this year? And dude, Sophia Loren, stop eating all the candy!!
Best Actor in a Drama
Amanda: Oh Crazy Heart is the movie! I thought is was like Jeff “Crazy Heart” Bridges.
Mona: I thought that was the name of a Neil Young album.
Flipit: Morgan Freeman’s just holding out for a Verizon commercial. Jeff Bridges! I haven’t even heard of this movie but I’m glad they’re making up for jilting him on Big Lebowski.
Mona: The Dude! He won!
Amanda: Tobey Maguire is NOT. ABIDING. It’s an old Seabiscuit rivalray.
Flipit: Standing O!! Beau Bridges is totally happy for you right now.
Amanda: OK Jeff, take your time. Jeff Bridges recently got a tongueplasty.
Mona: He sounds like he can be in a Pace Picante commercial. Sluuuuuurrrr. He could get someone way hotter for his wife, now.
Flipit: But he didn’t! So he’s good person,k? Who has a giant tongue or something.
Amanda: What’s he even talking about?
Flipit: I hope he breaks up with Jennifer Aniston in this speech.
Amanda: So now, everyone has heard of Crazy Heart.
Mona: Now at your local blockbuster.
Flipit: He hasn’t made one sentence yet.
Amanda: He thanked his stand in! He thanked everyone! He thanked dogs! Haiti!
Flipit: Rita Wilson is still upset, which has upset Colin. This needs to stop.
(And now Julia Roberts to promote her new movie, Eat Pray Love.)
Flipit: Julia Roberts in a movie about eating? HUH? Eat. Pray. Love. Kill self.
Amanda: Julia Roberts is pissed she has nothing to do with Julie and Julia.
Mona: Julie, Julia and Horse face. I smell a sequel!!
Flipit: I hope Pretty Woman wins!! OMG Mo’Nique just screamed PRECIOUS!!! This isn’t the Apollo you tacky bitch.
Mona: She’s screaming “pass the rolls!”
Flipit: I can’t believe AVADAR WON!!! WOWEE
Amanda: That Avadar song sounds eerily like “near far, wherever you are” My blue alien heart will go on.
Mona: That leprechaun is trying to steal the award!! GET HIM.
Amanda: Where my 3D glasses? This shit’s all fuzzy.
Flipit: Now fucking blue people are gonna want equal rights and shit.
Amanda: Sigourney is accepting the award as Conan O’Brien.
Flipit: OK now for Part 2 of How Many Times Can James Cameron Be a Dick in His Speech: Threatening the orchestra if they play while he speaks. Ding! 1. “Thank YOURSELVES.” Ding! 2. “They’re telling me to wrap up but they’re afraid to start the music” so I’ll keep talking anyway. Ding! 3. Congrats Cameron! You’re the King Asshole of the WOOOORLD!
Amanda: Get off the chin cam, George Lucas.
And that’s a wrap!! Thanks Mona and Amanda for coming over, thanks Mike Betette for the Photoshops! Now only one question remains: How long will Daniel Day Lewis sit here stunned and pissed cuz he didn’t win?
Give him a minute.