Hey everyone! We went VIRAL with comedians Amanda, Mona and Apul to cover possibly the greatest non-live, barely televised event, SPIKE’S GUYS CHOICE AWARDS! We can all agree men’s issues and opinions have gone unheard and underrepresented for ages. So, we bring you non-live, non-up to the minute TVGASM coverage of this monumentous event!
Amanda: We’re here covering the man’s choice awards. It’s really all about a man’s right to choose. First there’s California Lovin’ Arnold- with a fishtank behind him! Spike, you went all out!
Apul: it’s a good thing California doesn’t have any more pressing problems that require Arnold’s attention.
Mona: Governor Schwartzenegger comes out of a puff of smoke. Like the hero he is! And doing the important work that he does.
Getting old, shooting shit.
Amanda: I hope they do a mash up of Arnold saying how he’s going to cum so hard mixed with that Stallone bj audio. Hey, there’s a tiger tank!
Mona: Tigers and fishes and Ahhnolds oh my!
Apul: those tigers better be GUYS. How much you want to bet there’s one tiger woods joke that involves those caged tigers?
Mona: And now, an award for best “Guycon.” What makes a guy a guycon?
(then a big ‘ol montage of Stallone)
Amanda: I don’t think this video properly demonstarates his guyness.
Mona: but he just set himself on fire.
Amanda: if Al Bundy isn’t a guycon I don’t know what. Men see men as Sylvester Stallone. Women see men as Al Bundy. I am the law!!
Mona: Amanda is the law.
Amanda: Wow, this thing is still going huh?
Apul: GUY’S CHOICE.
Mona: it was in Poughkipsie before. This is the first year it’s in LA. UPGRADE! Then the roll out a bunch of troops to show that hey, it isn’t all as frivolous as you might think, right?
Amanda: Guy’s Choice is Shark Week forever. Stand up troops and get the manplause you deserve.
But don’t upstage Iron Man.
Amanda: It’s really more like Guycon.
Apul: I think guycon is a lifetime achievement award in greased up homoerotocism.
(the cast of the hangover comes out)
Amanda: The cast from the hangover is in the house…….oooo and is that a dressed down Dean Cain in the background? All the manlies are coming out tonight.
Apul: i wish they would motivate each other out of there.
Amanda: Wipe your mouth off, Stallone! Thank you.
(Jason Horton leaps in through the window)
Jason Horton: I can haz Americaz?
(and leaps out again).
Amanda: Tiger, shark, and alien body armor.
Apul: speaking of the award statue, it looks like everything about this will be as tacky as animal-ly possible.
Amanda: waterbowl cam is to puppybowl as sharkcam is to man choice awards.
(then there’s a generic man montage to introduce the awards)
Amanda: wuwuwuWAIT……why are there women there?
Apul: I’m already thinking about what tight expensive jeans to wear to GUYS CHOICE 2011.
Amanda: what is this weird list of people while a lady looks at billiard balls?
Mona: $$$$ Cigars Bats Diamonds Pool Trimmed Beards Guns CHAINSAWS!
Amanda: a sexy nun screaming while shooting a giant gun is definetely man’s choice. enter Jason Siegel. AMANrica’s sweetheart
Apul: I am praying that one of those tigers breaks out and goes on a blood-quenching rampage, please.
I’m an icon.
Mona: When does the circle jerk start? Hey, basketball!
Amanda: who’s the blonde whore they keep showing?
(Lebron James wins some shit)
Apul: hey everyone, Lebron finally won something!
Mona: take off your sunglasses. Do it. Do it.
Apul: if you win you have to wear sunglasses.
I’m an icon, too.
Amanda: Jason Siegel stop waving those giant gold antlers around you’re going to poke your eye out!!
Mona: I, for one, am glad. Basketball stars never win things.
Amanda: Adrian Brody appears with a fedora and Liam Neesen is drunk. Just saying.
(the new, douche cast of the A-Team comes out to introduce the award “The Holy Grail of Hot” between Jessica Biel and Zoe Saldana)
Mona: oh look, the cast of the A team brought their prop guns with them.
Apul: box office poison just walked on the stage.
Mona: who will get the holy grail of hot? JESSICA BIEL
Apul: at guy’s choice it doesn’t matter why you’re winning something.
Amanda: Wearing a see through skirt?
Mona: Zoe Saldana will be pissed!!!
Amanda: Who is playing Murdock?
Mona: Zoe Saldana
Amanda: “I cannot believe that I’m in the same category as you” whatever, Biel.
me: I love false modesty.
Apul: Ben Affleck sighting.
me: “I’m going to blow every one of you for giving me this award. Now, I masterbate to anonymous men”
Amanda: did she just make a masterbation joke?
(The Band Steel Panther plays)
Apul: the more i watch this, the more scared i get that some poor woman is going to be sexually assaulted at this things. GUY’S CHOICE!
Amanda: How many men will die tonight trying to out “man” one another?
(John Hamm comes out, talks about the film “The Hangover”)
Mona: John Hamm better be drunk.
Amanda: Gruesomist Gang Bang Award?
Apul: Jon Jamm is better than this, right?
Mona: John Hamm’s like, I’m an actual actor. Maybe I can pull this hosting thing off. See, the cue card said boner, and he said erect! ACTING!
Amanda: Jon Hamm isn’t a man’s man yet. He needs a little shark week image.
Mona: is he talking about a Citizen Kane remake? I think the Hangover deserves a lot of recognition, as a fine piece of film…
Amanda: Didn’t the hangover come out like 3 years ago?
Apul: yeah. Time doesn’t matter at GUYS CHOICE
Mona: Guy’s choice is like a vortex of testosterone. The way it aught to be.
Apul: more like sextosterone, am I right duders? yeah. HIGH FIVE GUYS CHOICE!
(a fucking fifteen minute Hangover montage)
Amanda: Remember the Hangover? You don’t have to because apparently we’re watching the whole movie now…..is it trying to get bought on dvd or something?
(“Who Let the Dogs Out” plays as the Hangoverdudes accept their award)
me: “Who let the dogs out” was my senior class song
Apul: even music has no expiration date here.
Amanda: Wow, Rachel Harris had an appearance at the Man’s Choice awards……..I don’t think that the men chose that.
Who let the MENS out!
Mona: One woman pointed, wondering who let that not basketball black guy onstage. God that chinese guy looks like a living doll.
Amanda: Weird inside jokes in the acceptance speech for the hangover………weird.
Apul: i just earned some GPs. I can redeem them at next year’s GUYS CHOICE.
(Ben Kingsley is reading in a chair)
Amanda: BEN KINGSLEY IS HERE!!! WHAT!?!
Okay, he’s reading Shit. I get it.
Mona: God, I’m sick of seeing Ben Kingsley in plush leather chairs.
Amanda: SIR BEN KIINSLEY, excuse me. He’s reading from Tracy Morgan’s book. How original.
Mona: we get it, he’s british.
Amanda: The slutty hot girls think its hilarious, but only because they see other people laughing. Now he’s reading Ozzy.
Mona: And, knowing nod from Stallone.
Apul: Sly Stallone left a turd in the book’s binding.
Apul: second Adrian Brody sighting…
Mona: there’s an award for dumbest book! Amazing!GUYS CHOICE!
Amanda: Oh wait….wait, you guys: that bit was just an advertisement to buy ozzy’s book!! OMG GUY’sCHOICE is a thinly veiled ADVERTISEMENT.
Apul: Ben Kingsley was like, “get away from me, i don’t want your syphillis”
Amanda: Ben Affeck enters, struggling to stay relevant. It’s hard to with out Jimmy Kimmel isn’t it Ben?
Mona: I think he came out of a frozen chamber. Oh hey, there’s a Barracuda in that fish tank. Manly!
(he gives another hotness award to Charlize Theron)
It’s all worth it.
Apul: hey, great delivery of those lines, Afflek.
Mona: Charlize is like, geez, guys, I’m not that hot. God! Titter.
Apul: finally, the decade of hotness is awarded. Hot people need recognition!
Apul: i waited a decade for this, y’all.
Amanda: I wish this was only footage of Monster.
me: no other competition? Helen Mirren! Betty White?
Amanda: This is sort of predetermined recipients night…..not like a open the envelope kinda awards show. Guy’s Choice.
Mona: I mean, Betty White should be here.
Apul: i think the decade is 2000-2010.
Amanda: Betty White loves to be sassy. Way to mumble her name, Affleck.
Apul: Charlize looks so ashamed to be there. I think I sense this night’s tone.
Amanda: Forget how to pronounce it much? CHAR-LEASE. THURR-RUN.
Apul: her agent at caa is going to get fired tomorrow
Mona: where’s her prop gun? Her dress is weird. Wait, can I say that? Guy’s choice?
Amanda: Oh good Cherlize Theron, now she can talk about how she is honored maybe or something and about how she likes to get high…
Apul: she almost forgot Ben’s name!
Mona: She doesn’t know what to say because the award IS SO LAME
Amanda: ’03 was a fat year. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH A gun shooting myself in head.
Amanda: I hope someone asks her about why she ruined arrested development.
Amanda: And, now award for Most Dangerous Man! Oh! I bet it’s going to be an actor. A celebrity actor.
Mona: BTK killer! BTK Killer! I mean, that’s about as relevant as the hangover.
Apul: manny pacquiao is pretty awesome. Oh, it went to the ufc guy.
Amanda: I go for the KFC guy……unthink
Mona: biggest Skinhead award?
Amanda: least neck award?
Apul: kfc, they should have had some sort of double down product placement by now
Amanda: Manticipation….totally!! MMMMMMMMMMM PIZZA!!!!!!!!! AMANda’s Coice!
(Scarlett Johannseennn comes out to present some dude award)
Amanda: Scarlet Johansen is looking VERY Stephanie Tanner this evening.
But I dig it.
me: nice gams, Scar.
Apul: hey ladies, when you have the BROAD’S CHOICE awards on oxygen, do you have a womanticipation award>
Amanda: that was supposed to be rude?
Mona: we get more womantic on oxygen. wo-mantic
Amanda: YEs, and it’s for any number of Always products.
me: and diet pills!
Apul: Ellen Page sighting, so we finally have some allusion to woman on woman. The GUYS CHOICE circle is almost complete!
me: Leonardo Dicaprio and Ellen page should hang out and look 13 together.
Amanda: Another commercial for a movie. Inception. What no manticipation for Splice?
(the cast of Inception comes out)
Amanda: Joseph Gordon Levitt should not be here. And Leo does NOT want to be there.
Mona: yah, see? he’s trying to distance himself.
Amanda: Leo is practically covering his face with his hand.
Apul: did Chris Nolan just say “anticipated”? fuck you asshole, it’s “manticipated”
Mona: Jo Go Lev is about to cream himself. who knew he had a career beyond 10 things I hate about you?
Amanda: Leo is getting a little puffy…..watch out James Spader!
Apul: “peace out,” said Leo. How hip.
(Kid Rock Presents the Hottest of the Hot for some hot chick award)
Amanda: Kid Rock Limps around.
Mona: Oh, kid Rock! I hope he got new teeth for the awards show!
Apul: kid rock looks like he’s wearing an old denver nuggets jersey.
me: Model off!!!
Amanda: Some one vs. someone
Mona: I voted fro the thinnest one with the biggest shoes.
Amanda: Wait….Kathy Ireland should be in this category.
Mona: Kathy Ireland is busy designing furniture
Amanda: Oh…..the blonde girl that they’ve been showing all night won.
Kid and some large woman.
me: she is taller than kid rock
Amanda: Living Spaces!
Mona: Models get coke, not awards!
Amanda: Living Spaces is what Kathy Ireland calls her yeast infection.
Apul: is this the woman from south carolina who talked about iraq at a beauty pageant?
(James Gandolfini presents a “best movie” award for Goodfellas)
Amanda: Jason Alexander is here!
Mona: why does everyone look so orange? did the Guys Choice Manscaping tanning booth break?
Apul: Dances with wolves joke?
Mona: too soon
Amanda: The Sopranos guy has a deep grudge against Dances with Wolves. Uh- was he even born when that movie came out? Seriously, Everything is so dated! When will we see the WHASSSUP award?
Mona: The “Can you hear me now” award.
Apul: what the hell? everyone knows Scorcese’s best movie was “the departed”. that’s why they gave him an oscar for it, right? GCF. GUYS CHOICE FAIL
Amanda: I’m so bored from this like gangster montage.
Mona: Gangs of New York Should have won. Because it has “gangs” and “new york” in the title.
Apul: the “fail” reference is about as relevant as most of the content tonight.
(cue the longest montage ever for “Goodfellas”)
Amanda: If you watch this online every 2 seconds you’ll get a pop up that tells you that you can buy all of these movies/songs/references on iTunes.
Apul: man, that montage just made me want to flush a lot of coke down a toilet!
Amanda: Joe Peschi is busy filming Monkey Trouble 2.
Mona: He should BE HERE.
Amanda: They only had room for him OR Ben Kingsley.
Mona: Jason Seigel gives these dudes a standing o! Oh shit, Joe Pesci sent an EMAIL. OH GOOD.
Apul: i’m just glad that SOMEONE has finally given some props to goodfellas.
Mona: The big question is: WHERE IS KANYE?
Apul:We should have our 3rd adrian brody sighting by now…
me: it’s about time. But I’m content with Kid Rock.
Amanda: OMG I LOVE THE ROCK! The rock is rockin’ the benkingsley look. All sophisti and shit.
(Samuel L. Jackson presents another “hot girl” award)
Mona: God, it looks like Samuel L Jackson raided his son’s closet.
Hooray for leather caps.
Amanda: How is there ANOTHER award for being hot? That seems lame.
Mona: Zoe Saldana versus ScarJo. Man, Zoe is always a bridesmaid at guy’s choice, never a bride.
Amanda: Scarlett Johansen won! Do you think she’s going to try to hook up with Samuel L. Jackson backstage?
(Chris Rock wins an award for funniest person)
me: Chris Rock is winning for being black and not a basketball player or action star.
(Pizza Hut Commercial)
Apul: pizza hut is the best pizza!!!!
Amanda: Let’s order pizza right now! From Pizza hut!!
Mona: What a deal!!!
Apul: can we have a pizza hut eating contest!!!
(Back to the damned awards. Robert Downey Junior Comes out)
You aren’t british- the flare ain’t fooling anyone!
Mona: Is that tom green?
Amanda: I thought is was Dane Cook.
Mona: he’s looking reeeallly leathery
Apul: that’s one of the tigers.
Amanda: he’s looking really teri hatchery.
Mona: We’re congratulating the troops again? Yawnsville.
Amanda: Troops Choice. Sandra Bullock.
Apul: if you’re against sandra bullock, you hate america.
Amanda: Mantage…another long-y.
me: Mantage. I’m for nazis, though. And that hot leather dress!
Amanda: RDJ is going to try and R sandra,
Mona: R equals rape
Amanda: The gift baskets for this awards show includes AXE body sprays, slim jims, and rite aid brand odor eaters. Also, That golden antler will go good in Sandra Bullock’s babies nursery.
Mona: yeah, her jewish baby. Chic.
Amanda: Okay, I have a confession: I’m bored of montages.
Apul: again, this is an award that was a little more relevant about five years ago. hey, remember when we started watching GUYS CHOICE?
Mona: Where is TILA TEQUILA???
Amanda: Did tax payer money pay for this show? This whole thing is an Army commercial.
Amanda: AM pizza hut bought a GUYSCHOICEFUCKLOADOFTIME during this awards show.
Mona: Pizza Hut isn’t even open.
Amanda: FUCK THAT!!!
Mona: I KNOW! it should be open late for people like us who have a mankering for pizza
Apul: is this a cisco ellen page ad? never mind. i saw this earlier. it was manticipated. Oh! third adrian brody sighting!
Amanda: It should be illegal to advertise something if it’s currently unavailable to purchase. ILLEGAL!
(Adrian Brody gives “Biggest Ass Kicker award to Jack Bauer)
Amanda: who gave adrian brody the mic?
Mona: Adrian Brody is now talking like a blackman and is Eurotrash.
Amanda: Doesn’t he know everyone HATES The Village?
Mona: mike check one two…Boyeeee!
Apul: so it’s jack from 24 or some other guy?
Mona: What the fuck is kiefer southerland doing here? the award is for jack bauer!
Apul: jack bauer just flipped off the troops
Mona: that’s sign language for “you fucking rock”
Amanda: Trending Topic: Mass Maulings as Guy’s Choice awards.
Mona: please eat this model
Apul: troops = america. by the transitive property, jack bauer hates america. Simple.
(Sean White wins for best man-redhead)
me: Jack white wins for chairman of the board…
Amanda: Chairman of the Board award?
Mona: where is meg white?
Amanda: he’s on a cane!
Apul: sean white? why isn’t she wearing a dress?
Mona: he wins for “most cartoonish ginger”… in the fine tradition of carrot top.
Amanda: he should be speaking in a british accent with that hair and that cane.
Mona: is he wearing a crystal around his neck, or a bullet?
Apul: i swear he was wearing high heels!
(Triumph the talking dog goes on)
Amanda: Triumph in the house……for me to poop on! And Triumph is serving it to Tiger Woods!
Mona: Yeah, he’s really kicking pop culture in the nuts. Rape jokes!
Amanda: Is that a doctored photo of Nicholas Cage? It looks like it’s half sharon stone.
Mona: mash ups.
Amanda: Even the Triumph thing is going on too long.
Best Joke: Katherine Heigl is more high maintenance than a saltwater fish tank!
Amanda: People are booing JEsse James? OR Triumph making fun of Jesse James?
Mona: It’s hard to tell. The crowd is clad in leather
Apul: he brought it home.
(Ozzy gives the “Deadliest Warrior” award to Robert Downey Junior)
Apul: Geez, they should have ended the show after triumph.
Mona: cut to the fucking chase, Ozzy. The book is already plugged.
Amanda: Both nominees are played by RDJ. Weird. Sounds like some erotic fan fiction that RDJ wrote himself.
Mona: RDJ gets the award…and now he has to kill someone.
Apul: he’s totally holding that trophy the wrong way!
Mona: I like his iron man inspired jacket leatherwork
Amanda: Yup, he’s going on about the scenario he’s thought out where Tony Stark and Sherlock Holmes battle.
Apul: i like his … no wait. fuck this.
Amanda: Enter………..OZZY FREAKING OUT! Was that Glenn Beck really getting into IRon MAn?
Apul: that’s an ozzy robot.
Mona: Ozzie looks like he’s passing a gallstone. Meh, just a bunch of dudes, being dudes.
Apul: how many of the women in the audience got pregnant tonight?
Amanda: none, they are all super birthcontrolled up!
(Samuel Jackson gives out another award, for “best dude,” or “best man,” or some shit)
Apul: so samuel l jackson is presenting every other manaward tonight?
Mona: let’s not forget samuel jackson.
Amanda: an abnormal dosage of YAZ+spike level booze= instant abortion
Mona: George Clooney versus Zach Galafanakis…are you kidding me?
Amanda: What world do we live in when George Clooney is competing with Zach Galifinakis? This is REtarded.
Apul: it has to be zach.
Mona: god, I’m on the edge of my seat! Zach or George??? Zach or George???
Apul: fourth adrian brody sighting.
Amanda: Zach was in Solaris right?
Apul: george clooney saved the world by fucking a lot of models. So, I guess he wins.
Amanda: I’d think that the Guy’s Choice awards would be more to the point so they can watch NASCAR and get to banging.
Apul: you understand what’s going on clooney? cause i don’;t and i don’t want to. this is a train wreck.
I’m impregnating women with my eyes.
Amanda: George CLooney won because of his role on Roseanne.
Apul: i like the whole swearing bit when Carlin did it 80 million billion years ago…
Amanda: Trending Topic: Massive DUI’s in the aftermath of the guy’s choice awards.
Apul: give it a few more minutes and “gang rape” will be up there.
Mona: now a recap of the awards show during the credits. MORE RECAP MONTAGES!
Amanda: Let’s remember the night with quick clips of people swearing. OMG ITS STARTING AGAIN!!! did i die?
Mona: and go to heaven?
Amanda: guy hell. why are we still watching it?
Mona: If I grow a penis during this I’m going to be pissed
Apul: i wish i had GUY CHOICED not to watch this.
Amanda: I grew a Vageenis. And this vageenis wants pizza!
Mona: I want pizza!!!! Watching all these dudes makes me want to binge eat.
Apul: i want to win the 2011 guycon
Amanda: I am very surprised that I didn’t see Tony Shalloob at the Guy’s Choice awards.
Apul: where was wesley snipes? does no one bet on black anymore? what to watch now. is there a tv channel where we can do a lot of meth?
Thanks for reading, everyone!!!