I don’t know what I was thinking, trying to watch the MTV Movie Awards. Maybe all those celebrities in one place led me to believe there might be some amusing, commentary-inducing action to be found. But alas, after an hour of awkward and rambling bits, scatterbrained speeches, and blatant self-promotion, I realized that I could not possibly endure any more of this silliness. So here are my thoughts on at least the first hour of this craptastic show.9:00 PM
The show starts with an interminable Vince Vaughn/Ben Stiller/Peter Jackson bit. Oh look, Vince Vaughn is smooth talking! Ben Stiller is playing the uptight suit! Hey, they should do a movie together. And then die.
Dominic Monaghan from Lord of the Rings tries to prove he’s not gay but trendy by wearing a bright orange shirt, styled hair, and a wristband. Someone please tell this hobbit his fifteen minutes are up.
Lindsay Lohan proves that white girls can’t dance by robotically plodding through her choreography. The combination of concentration, dread and fear on her face was a nice complement to her ever growing bosom.
Jamie Foxx and Tom Cruise present the award for Best Female Performance. Tom Cruise milks the moment by shedding his coat and sunglasses and throwing them into the crowd. Nice work Tom, but we still know you watch Bravo…
Uma Thurman wins for Best Female Performance. She towers over diminutive presenter Tom Cruise, but the Top Gun star quietly – and awkwardly – manages to find a perch on the staircase behind Uma so that he in fact looks sort of taller than her. Just go away and be short in private already.
Jim Caveziel, flexing his non-existent comic muscles in a Will Ferrell bit, distracts us with a shockingly bad frosted ‘do. I guess Jesus listens to Ricky Martin.
Audiences nationwide are treated to the comic stylings of Vin Diesel and Thandie Newton, who try to get mileage from the erroneous execution of “Th” sounds instead of “T sounds. Linguistic humor + Vin Diesel = Please Let This Auditorium Collapse and Kill Everyone Inside It.
Presenter Kate Beckinsdale unveils her latest look: hairy.
Ashton Kutcher reminds us that the human race has not come far since Hitler.
The Rock engages in clumsy repartÃ© with Jessica Biel, whose mature, Faye-Dunaway face still creeps me out enormously.
Kirsten Dunst laughs in the audience. It looks like her short, funky-lesbian hairstyle is “in” these days. After all, we’ve now seen it on audience members Sharon Stone, Brittany Murphy and Dominic Monaghan.
The Return of the King wins for Best Action Sequence. Peter Jackson’s not available to accept the award, so we’ll just move on. Oh wait, here’s desperate-to-be-accepted-by-Hollywood Dominic Monaghan rushing to the stage to get one more ounce of face time. Putting the Out in Urban Outfitters, Dominic stumbles through a small acceptance speech before The Rock defers to… Michael Moore. Great.
At this point, I turn off my television.