Fashiongasm – 2010 Golden Globes

It’s award season! I could take or leave the self congratulatory show, but I lovelovelovelove the clothes. That’s why I’m on the case for the pre-show action. Tonight’s victim is the Golden Globes. I’m tuning in to E!’s live from the red carpet coverage, because that’s where Ryan Seacrest is.

Whenever you complain to yourself about how many hours you work, look at Seacrest. He works ten jobs and still has time to gel his hair and spray on a tan. Inspiration, thy name is Seacrest.

And let the coverage begin! It starts with an American Idol-style intro. Oh, Seacrest. Always with the pre-packaged, graphic laden intro. Even for the Golden Globes pre-show? It’s raining in LA, by the way. Like, a lot.

She’s smiling now, but by the end of the show orange will be running down her dress.

Well, they schedule these people in order of importance, so who’s the least important celeb of 2010? Who’s publicist is soooo getting fired this year? Sofia Vergara! Ryan is in love with her, but he plays it cool on the red carpet. She’s wearing a purplish/grayish Carolina Herrera with some red accents and a big ruffle on the back. The more I look at it, the more I like it. It’s spicy, but sedate. And Modern Family is the best new show on TV.

With the new bed on the back, you can camp anywhere!

Then we go to Ryan’s co-anchor Giuliana, who I generally like, but used to like more before she foisted her reality show upon us. The only interesting thing about it is how an interesting lady with an interesting career manages to lead such a dull life. And I don’t know what’s going on with Giuliana’s outfit. It’s silver, very silver, and kind of cheap looking. It’s Miss USA meets Rock of Love.

And I guess she’s wearing an awful lot of body glitter, and Ryan’s making fun of her. Cause really. Why go couture when you can go strip club? She’s there with Jennifer Morrison from House. She’s wearing “my dress that my boyfriend got me for Christmas”. It’s very frilly. Very, very frilly. And ruffly. It’s from Puerto Rico. She shares her diet secret with us, which is “Don’t drink soda. Soda’s awful.” Is she kidding? Diet Coke saves lives. Get off your soapbox, sweetie. And move out of the way so Giuliana can get to someone more famous. Or actually famous. Sorry, I don’t watch House.

Ryan’s Tweeting while he works. It takes a lot of jobs to forget you might be gay. Then he sends it up to the skybox for a visit with Ken Baker. Old wannabe Ken Baker. He’s always got the exclusive with the Z-lister du jour. I’m serious, he calls Ryan’s radio show all the time with lofty statements like, “Well, I just got off the phone with Michael Lohan.” John Gosselin is this guy’s George Clooney.

Just waiting for a girl to fall into a well or something, Ryan!

And speaking of George, we are now reminded, for what I’m certain will be the first of about 112,438,724 times tonight how George Clooney is saving Haiti. Then we get the list of how much all the celebrities gave to Haiti. That’s wonderful, but issuing a press release with your dollar amount isn’t a requirement of giving, you know.

Ah, commercials for Valentines Day! It’s release date is a whole month away, and I’ve already seen a hundred commercials for it. Which kind of sucks, cause I was looking forward to seeing it, but by the time it comes out I might be sick of it. I’m quite possibly in this movie, by the way. I swear! They filmed it where I work, and for months, you couldn’t walk into Coffee Bean without becoming an accidental extra.

Giulana’s back, with someone else from House, Lisa Edelstein. She looks nice. Where are the real famous people? Giuliana, who’s anorexic, asks this lady, who’s also anorexic, what her diet secret is. “And don’t tell us good genetics, people at home don’t want to hear good genetics,” Giuliana says conspiratorially. “Um, it’s part of my job,” the House lady says. Exactly. Shut up, Giuliana. Stop acting like you’re a regular fat person.

If I gain an ounce I will be fired and murdered in my sleep. So that pretty much sums up my diet. Fear.

Next up, Giuliana’s got Cory Monteith from Glee. I enjoy Glee, but I’m not one of those obsessed people. Although, they’re currently filming a Madonna episode, which might put me over the edge. And speaking of Glee, Ryan’s got Jane Lynch, who everyone loves. Her dress is wrinkled and voluminous, but she says she’s having a blast. Listen, they can’t all be lipstick lesbians. Still loves her.

What are you lookin at, punk!?

Then Ryan chats with Ricky Gervais, and we get more shots of Sofia Vergara. Gorgeous, and looks pissed to be standing there in the rain. I bet she’s a bitch. I think she’s really great.

Can QTips be gay?

And then there’s Mickey Rourke! Another one of my favorites. He’s got his twenty-five year old girlfriend with him. She’s tall, blonde, gorgeous, Russian and rich. Page Six, babes. He looks ridiculous, but a little more subdued than usual. I don’t see any multi-colored leather anywhere, and that’s a real disappointment. He’s in all black, with what looks like black vinyl trim. And a beige fedora that looks waterproof.

It is a sad, sad day indeed when the best word to describe Mickey Rourke’s ensemble is “practical”.

Giuliana’s next catch is someone from Mad Men – Elizabeth Moss. In a baby blue Amsale dress that’s big and shapeless. They’re talking about her recent wedding, so maybe she’s hiding a baby under there. Come on, really? There’s nobody more famous and well dressed than this?

She’s gonna pull a Peggy and have a mystery baby on the red carpet.

Okay, Big Love. Jeanne Tripplehorn who had Alberta Feretti design a long nun’s habit for the occasion, and Ginnifer Goodwin in an ugly dress in an ugly purple color that looks like it’s from the Dress Barn. She’s also sporting what I initially thought was a very unflattering pixie cut, but then I saw her head without the hideous dress attached and it’s actually quite adorable.

They’re talking about Big Love, and I’m losing interest cause Toni Collette just turned up in this sparkly dress that I’m dying over. Take notes, Giuliana.

That’s how to sparkle!

We get a picture of Kyra Sedgwick in a black mermaid style dress with a sparkly belt. Nothing special. A lot of dress trying too hard. Actually, it’s kind of the perfect dress for Kyra Sedgwick.

Thank yeeeeou!

Ryan’s got Neil Patrick Harris! Who’s carrying the umbrella for Ryan. So cute that NPH is the boy in that relationship. NPH says it’s a battle of umbrellas out on the red carpet. He looks dapper, as always. NPH attributes his success this year to “good luck”. And he’s going to be an Idol judge for auditions! Coming up this week. Ryan makes what I construe to be suspicious comments about what a great job NPH did in the substitute judge’s chair. Hmmmm….and there’s Vincent Chase, making his way through the rain. Entourage might have crossed over into like a fifth wall or something, cause I’ve totally forgotten this guy’s actual name.

Ooooh, Ryan’s got Emily Blunt! Another favorite. She’s gorgeous. “I’m from London, it’s a drizzle,” she scoffs at the rain. I love her dress, it’s pink and frilly, but not too much and she’s got a nice glow for an English girl. Diamond cuff bracelet and wavy hair…this might be a Rachel Zoe job.

Then comes the cast of Inglorious Bastards, which I still haven’t seen. We get a quickie of Diane Kruger, who has amazing style. She’s in pink. It’s LaCroix, one of the last couturiers in Paris who might be losing his brand, so it’s really great that she’s wearing it. I think it might not be a hit with everyone, but it’s all kinds of pink and I love it.

Then it’s time for Lea Michelle from Glee. She’s in a big, pouffy black Oscar de la Renta that I feel like I’ve seen before. It’s nice, but the world is full of nice de la Renta dresses. She’s young and pretty, but she looks a little boring.

Only thing this is missing is a slushie to the face.

Here comes Sandra Bullock. She looks beautiful, but this dress is terrible. It’s purple, and iridescent, maybe? It looks a little prom-like, and also a little whorish. Oh well, I loved the Blind Side, though. Oh, and then we get some more self righteous Haiti talk. Ryan congratulates her on donating a lot of money, and she jumps up on some soapbox about how you have to make sure to donate to the right place that’s getting all the money where it needs to go right away, “because they’re having a lot of problems with that.” Et tu, Sandy Bullock? And actually, spending the money isn’t the issue right now, so don’t try to get people all freaking out that their Red Cross donation’s sitting in some offshore account. It’s lack of organization on the ground in Haiti that’s the problem. But I suppose Clooney will be handling that too.

Giuliana’s got Chace Crawford who is the first to compliment Giuliana on her awful dress, which as far as I’m concerned proves he’s not gay. He’s in Dolce & Gabbana. It’s his first Golden Globes. His acting inspirations are Maverick and Goose. Is that cute or sad?

Sadly cute?

Fergie is wearing a sort of grecian style lavender gown. It’s slightly on the bridesmaid side, but I am still in love with it. Ryan asks Josh Duhamel what he’s doing there. “It’s date night,” snaps Fergie. She’s performing, she reminds Seacrest. Well, it’s clear who wears the lavender bridesmaid dress in this family. They speak awkwardly of renewing their wedding vows. Do I even need to say that when you have to renew vows after a year, it’s probably not a good thing?

A picture says a thousand words.

Then comes Vera Farmiga from Up in the Air. Her dress is black tulle with big black flowers stuck all over it. Ug-ly. She tells Ryan that her husband saw him in the steam room at the Four Seasons last night. Creepy and awkward.

Is she threatening him?

January Jones looks mostly amazing. She’s in Lanvin. I love the top of her dress, it’s got a sixties style neckline with a big eighties style bow on the shoulder. It looks a little baggy everywhere else. You know how it would have been better? Short. But then she tells us how she avoids wearing sixties looks, because of the show. Huh? I’m confused. She’s even got a teased do with a headband and cat eyes. How is this look not sixties?

And then, the angels start singing and Ryan’s got George Clooney and the new girlfriend. This part is more awkward than Vera Farmiga’s husband stalking Ryan in the Four Season’s steam room. Ryan mentions about four times that he saw Up in the Air before it was released, and then mentions that the character George played was was charming and vapid. “Was there any George Clooney in that?” Ryan wants to know. Oooooh, did Ryan lay the smackdown on Clooney a little bit? “The vapid part,” says Georgie, unamused. Even the girlfriend’s giving Ryan the cold shoulder. Stupid girl, weren’t you on Italian MTV before Clooney leased you? I wouldn’t be so quick to snub Ryan. Then George talks about Haiti a little. He’s rescuing them from the earthquake, in case you haven’t heard.

Haiti.

Then Ryan gets Marion Cotillard, nominated for Nine. These awards are ridiculous. This movie was a critical bomb and it made about four dollars and thirteen cents. Just because it has a lot of big stars in it doesn’t mean it’s any good. But, she’s in a stunning greenish Dior with amazing diamonds and I guess that’s all that matters.

The dress sucks less than Nine.

Then comes the True Blood people. Anna Pacquin is pretty and sparkly and gold with a deep V neckline. It looks like a dress that I have, only in black and not sparkly and it’s one of my favorites. But then I see her feet, and she’s ruined everything with big, black gladiator shoes. And I’m not crazy about the front slit.

Drew Barrymore stops on the rainy part of the red carpet to give some lady in the crowd a kiss. Meanwhile, Mariah Carey makes her way up the red carpet with at least five, possibly six or seven, umbrella handlers. I love them both equally.

I’m usually a big fan of Drew’s look, but tonight I can’t decide. She’s in Atelier Versace. She’s got what looks like fat, sparkly caterpillars at her shoulder and her hips, and at first I think it’s awful, but then I think it’s interesting. I don’t like the color of the rest of the dress though, and I don’t like her hair, either.

Juliana Margulies, stops to chat with Giuliana E!, and she’s been off television for a while, so I forgot she always dressed amazing at these things. She’s in Narcisco Rodriguez, no jewelry and wavy, pinned back hair. The dress is like very super hero chic. She couldn’t be in the rain because her hair gets frizzy, she says. She feels bad not to have walked the red carpet, but she doesn’t want to be wet all night. I hear that.

Then Ryan’s got Tina Fey. Now, everyone and everyone loves Tina Fey, but she looks terrible. It looks like houndstooth, with a bustier and a pouffy, tea-length skirt. Because he can’t tell Tina Fey how ridiculous she looks, Ryan instead shoots another insult at Giuliana. He’s apparently still not over her body glitter and spray tan, but if that’s really how she went, then neither am I. Then he asks Tina Fey for a weather check.

Fea

Next up, Giuliana has Heather Graham. She’s gorgeous, and I love her dress. Simple and sexy, she’s always consistent. It’s Elie Saab. Her big news is that they are writing a sequel to Hangover. Then Giuliana does some more whining about how skinny Heather Graham is and how hard she has to work for her body. Seriously, ho. You get paid to talk about celebrities all day. If staying skinny is the hardest part of your job, you really need to get a grip.

Then Ryan gets Penelope Cruz. She looks beautiful and golden bronze. I love her hair. “I’m not like Puff Daddy, I hold my own umbrella,” she tells Ryan. Her dress is nice, but nothing special. It’s lace on the top and stripey black on the bottom. Also, she’s being sweet to Ryan.

And then, Penelope has something to say. And surprise, surprise it’s about Haiti. “We are lucky to be here, but it is impossible to be here and not think of what’s going on there,” then a bunch of other pompous stuff, and then, “It is our responsibility to be here and do something about this.” Okay, so what exactly are you doing, Penelope? Standing there running your mouth in a pretty frock? How does that help? Listen, we all care. We’re all doing what we can do. Just do your Clooney-sanctioned event and shut up. Ugh, you just know she’s going to be the most annoying buzzkill at all the after parties.

And then, finally a celebrity who we know for a fact isn’t going to try and trick us with any I Heart Haiti Aren’t I A Wonderful Person, and that’s Mariah! And Nick Cannon. All I see on Mariah is boobs. Hoovered into a gorgeous Herve Leger gown. She’s also wearing a ridiculous amount of diamonds, and cause it’s Mariah, you know she probably just opened up her LA jewelry safe and grabbed what was on top. “You’ve been winning and making colorful speeches,” Ryan taunts her. “I’ve been what?” she asks, getting all Mariah on his ass. That’s right – winning! I personally appreciate Mariah’s loopy ramblings and always have. Mariah understands that a true celebrity entertains on all levels.

Who’s Hady?

Then Ryan takes us to commercial while doing a jazzy dance down the Beverly Hilton stairs, where he bumps in to Harvey Weinstein and then yells at Harvey’s umbrella handler for blocking his shot.

And then, the showstopper – Jennifer Garner in a knit-like, glittery, Versae gown. Her dress has a beautiful neckline. And the back is incredible. This is the winner of the night. Rachel Zoe may be unbearable in every other way, and she may have stolen “bananas” from me and my friends – that’s right, and don’t get me started – but she does ‘em flawless every, single time. And is it just me, or does Jenn have a little poof in her hair?

John Hamm walks up and picks up Jenn Garner’s train as she’s walking away. His girlfriend Jessica Stein does not look delighted. He looks hotter without the beard, I think. Is he talking about political aspects? What the hell? Stop talking. Just stand there and be hot. Jessica Stein will not stop trying to get a word in.

Giuliana has Taylor Lautner. All I know is Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift. This is one of the Twilight kids. He’s wearing a shiny suit. He is tiny. Giuliana’s tall. She asks him what he looks for in a girl. Want my opinion? A penis. Just my opinion. “There are quite a few beautiful women here tonight,” chortles Giuliana. Isn’t he like sixteen? Ahh, another awkward red carpet moment at the Globes.

I just want someone to watch Project Runway with.

Courteny Cox is with Ryan. Her earrings are amazing. He asks her what the difference is between Cougartown and Friends. We had way more viewers on Friends, she tells him. Ummm, way to support your new show. Then she tells Ryan that Cougartown is a family show. Have you seen this show? There go for the cheap joke every single time, and the cheap joke is rarely “family oriented”.

Monica didn’t blather on about her vagina, for one.

Then Ryan gets Kate Hudson, in a sculpted, white dress. It looks an awful lot like Nicole Kidman’s grey Chanel from a few years ago on the top, only with extra detail at the waist. But she looks amazing. Actually, I don’t care if it’s a re-work. It’s phenomenal.

Next up with Ryan is Heidi and Seal. Heidi looks gorgeous, as always. Ryan kisses her on one cheek and she stands there leaning forward until he kisses the other cheek. Heidi does not mess around with her perfunctory kisses. She’s in Cavalli, it’s blue-grey, another mermaid dress. And I know she just had a baby…but it’s not the most flattering dress ever.

I think Mark Walhberg is a humorless asshole, so I could give a crap about what he’s saying or wearing. Oh, but there might be an Entourage movie. Well, everyone has one redeeming quality. “We go to the same church,” Giuliana trills to the world.

Oh, Tracey Morgan in a white dinner jacket. Different! I like it. OMG. Julia Roberts. You never see her in public unless she has a movie coming out. Does she? Oh, she’s in the Valentine’s Day movie too. She’s such a movie star. But she doesn’t dress like one. She’s wearing a black wrap dress with a big pendant. She looks like she’s going to lunch at the Polo Lounge. She’s the last one there, but it’s probably because she just started getting ready when I started writing this. Oh well, it’s refreshing.

At least she took off her shower cap.

Then Giuliana talks to the girl from the Up In The Air movie. She’s in Marchesa, so I should love it, but she looks like a Christmas tree. Giuliana flips out over George Clooney, and tries to use the girl to get George to come over and say hi to her. She literally shrieks across the carpet. I can’t see George, but I see the bitchy girlfriend staring down Giuliana. The Up in the Air girl is dying of embarrassment and trying to get away from Giuliana, but she won’t let her go. Finally, she escapes. Giuliana continues yelling after George and his girlfriend. “I speak Italian!” she yells at the girlfriend, in Italian. “I’m shameless,” she tells us several times. I’m sorry, but who was the genius at E! who decided that house hunting in the Midwest was the show-worthy part of Giuliana’s life?

Okay, so who did we miss?

Olivia Wilde in black, glittery, draped in a very body shaping way Gucci – amazing.

Nicole Kidman, predictably pale and frigid in ill-fitting peach. That lady gets scarier each year.

Zoe Saldana, whose dress was dreamy and stunning from the calves up, but should have stopped there.

Chloe Sevigny, what can I say. I know she’s some kind of avant garde muse, but I just don’t get it. This year, she looks like she’s being suffocated by a diabolical, taupe ruffle.

And last but not least…J. Lo in plunging, gold lame which I kind of love, but which may as well have been a big, glittery sign that read: I’M STILL RELEVANT! AND SEXY!!! And there you have it! My best dressed is Jennifer Garner. Worst, Ginnifer Goodwin. And you?

Don’t miss Monamonzano & Flippy’s liveblog of the show!

Sparkly kisses, CB