Well, I’m sitting here bored, watching the red carpet coverage on E!, and I’ve decided now would be a good time to live blog.
TVgasm red carpet commentary after the jump…4:02 — Star Jones asks Laura Linney what her favorite Krispy Kreme donut is. When Laura can’t come up with an answer, Star slaps her and yells “Always know your donuts, bitch!”
4:06 — Star Jones tells Leonardo DiCaprio she likes Pink’s hot dogs with chili and cheese. Seriously. Let’s just pray E! brought the portable defribrillator.
4:11 — Star Jones calls Hilary Swank a “professional glam-azon” and then says “you have really transformed yourself from a Million Dollar Baby to a Million Dollar Baby.” It’s official. Star Jones is an idiot.
4:17 — Star Jones corners patrician producer Michael Mann about “The Aviator”. After two minutes of light banter, she grabs his lapels and yells “WHERE ARE LAURA LINNEY’S KRISPY KREMES???”
4:21 — Scarlett Johanson braves the Star Jones gauntlet. She quietly skirts all questions regarding her recent platinum blonde bleaching accident.
4:25 — Drew Barrymore says “Aging is all about wisdom and grace.” Star Jones strokes her chin and says “Grace… hmmm…. I’ll have to look into that.”
4:27 — Star Jones corners Clive Owen and says “I am a BIG Clive Owens fan.” Pun fans rejoice.
4:29 — Spike Lee proves just how much he hates Hollywood and the system by showing up at the Oscars. I’m suddenly reminded of all my negative experiences with Spike and throw a pen at the TV. Sadly, Spike is unfazed.
4:30 — “I’m hot! I’m hot! I’m hot!” complains Star Jones. “I’m not hot because of me though!” Seriously Star, don’t flatter yourself.
4:31 — Spike Lee and Louis Gossett Jr. share an awkward moment as they realize they’ve worn the same outfit. Spike Lee accuses Louis Gossett Jr. of being white and punches him.
4:32 — Salma Hayek arrives to talk to Star. She announces that she’s wearing “Pra-thda”. Apparently she refuses to say anything unless it rhymes with Frida.
4:33 — ”I love when a man falls over me!” gushes Star, noting that she’s usually knocking them over instead.
4:35 — Alan Alda explains that Morgan Freeman will win the Oscar so he might as well just sit back and enjoy the evening. Hey, Alan, Woody Allen called. He says you can tone it down a bit.
4:38 — Star Jones tells Morgan Freeman “You have a pretty foxy daughter!” He then informs her that she’s pointing to a double cheeseburger. “I don’t care what she is. Your daughter is delicious!” gushes Star as she swallows the burger whole.
4:43 — Cate Blanchett levels her WASPy stare of disapproval at Star Jones. Star Jones is momentarily frozen into a block of ice.
4:44 — Johnny Depp’s wife says “Bonjour Mama! Bonjour Papa!” Is that the best French you can do? LAME.
4:45 — Star Jones desperately tests out her French skills by reciting “Bonjour!” and “Bon Soir!” Someone stop her before we have an international crisis.
4:47 — Incestuous couple Maggie and Jake Gyllenhaal arrive to remind us that they are, in fact, siblings and very very indie. They then make out.
4:48 — I suddenly realize Jake Gyllenhaal has my haircut. Considering I have a Puma jacket of his, I now can fulfill my lifelong dream of walking down the street and saying “Hey, I’m Jake Gyllenhaal!”
4:49 — Did Samuel L. Jackson just say “F-ck that movie!”? I’m on a Tivo-less TV right now. Blast!
4:50 — The apocalypse has arrived: Oprah and Star are commiserating.
4:51 — Quincy Jones gives Star the royal snub. Apparently he has famine songs to write.
4:53 — Penelope Cruz reveals that she’s been eating cheeseburgers all afternoon. Star Jones nearly faints from excitement. Literally.
4:57 — Ray Charles returns from the dead to speak with Star Jones. Oh wait, it’s Jamie Foxx! Wow, what a revelation he is!
4:58 — Jamie Foxx’s daughter PA’s Usher big time. Star asks her if she’s excited to stand next to Usher. She pauses then says “I know my friend would be.” SLAM! Someone’s been hanging out with Cate Blanchett!
E! is signing off, and so am I. TVgasm writer M_Ruv and I will have full Oscar coverage. Check back later this evening or tomorrow morning.