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The Fox Reality Awards were held last night in Hollywood, and those suckas let me, ChickBomb and our good friend and local hero Trisha in to make trouble. We were skeptical at first. Trisha took one look around the room and said “How can you tell who anyone is under all those layers of makeup? It’s like a room of casserole faces.”
Everyone was really nice, like they had no idea we were just going to come home and make fun of them with you. Hullo. Smarten up, reality stars! You will notice that there are zero pictures of Chickbomb in this article. Sorry, but she insists on maintaining her private life. Instead, you will get me, my eight chins, and Trisha. Let’s get to it!
Hey, Trisha! Why so uncomfortable?
ChickBomb: The first reality star we find is Johnny Bananas from the Real World Key West. He’s cute, and short and very, very drunk at 8:30 pm. We ask him what his dying words would be. He has a lot of trouble, but finally comes up with “Bananas cure erectile dysfunction.” Then he amends his final words to be “You can’t make a whore a housewife”, which apparently is a reference to his ex-girlfriend, Lauren, of Beauty and The Geek, who is standing nearby. Have I mentioned that he is very, very drunk?
Woops. Forgot to clean my ears.
Flipit: I so love drunk straight guys. I have to add that Banana’s friend was really tall and really hot. I kept taking pictures of him, which I think scared him. He was right to be afraid. I seriously considered following him home. There was this ice cream stand in the courtyard and when we all got a sample together, I pretended he bought it for me and put my head on his shoulder. Aw!
I’m kinda in love right now.
ChickBomb: We sort of start to make our way into the show…
Flipit: No I don’t want to! We have to stand up in there and it’s hot and this guy’s staying out here with Bananas!…
ChickBomb: …and all of the sudden a flash of pink hair streaks by us. “Perez, Perez!” Trisha is after him like a shot, but Flipit and I are too busy juggling cocktails, so we miss the photo op. Trisha yells at us about it for the rest of the night.
Flipit: As you all probably know by now, Perez has a big shiny black eye. Someone drew a cock on the wrong face. We asked everyone we could how he got the shiner, but no one knew. He kinda glanced over at my hot straight ice cream date and I almost blacked out the other eye. Hands off, biatch! Oh wait, just got a text from Nads! Perez’ shiner was fake! He was at a Rolling Stone shoot before the awards and like the lazy bastard he is, he didn’t wash his face. Love it. Good work, Nads!
ChickBomb: The good news is, Janelle, also from the Real World Key West, is a lot faster than we were, and she gets a pic with him on her fancy schmancy iPhone.
Thanks, Janelle! Call me!
ChickBomb: We stand around eating ice cream and talking with Janelle, Johnny Bananas and Zack from Key West. Janelle is beautiful. Zack is nice and cute and a little bit Hollywood, and we all have a crush on him now. But only one of us got his phone number. We’ll let you figure out which one! Zack’s producing a movie, and he talked forever about it and all I remember is that it has Dick Van Dyke and cookies in it and it’s filming near the beach where I live.
Flipit: No comment, except that a sitcom with Dick Van Dyke and cookies sounds brilliant.
Come on now, tell me this isn’t a wedding waiting to happen. Did I mention I’ve been single for WAY too long?
ChickBomb: Then Johnny Bananas gets kicked out of the awards for trying to take a picture with Mr. Belding from Saved By The Bell.
Flipit: You’d think Mr. Belding would have been a little more appreciative of the attention. I mean seriously, dude. You’re Mr. Belding. Poor Bananas couldn’t have been in the audience for more than five minutes. My ice cream wasn’t even melted.
ChickBomb: I should also mention that the whole time, he is fighting with Janelle and she keeps warning him to never talk to her again. She also keeps circling back to tell him to make sure he knows to never talk to her again. It’s like watching a Real World episode right before my eyes.
Flipit: Me and Trisha cornered Joe from Pick Up Artist and he was really cute and sweet. He’s living in LA now and performing in some improv show. We promised to go see it, but all he wrote down on the little piece of paper he gave us was “Mon 8th 11pm#1 Free Karate Lessons. Umkay, thanks for that, buddy. Trisha tried some lines on him and then they did it behind a bush. That Mystery dude has really helped the world, hasn’t he?
Trisha’s smooth moves.
ChickBomb: The Pick Up Artist boys are all exactly like they seem on TV – sweet, but awkward.
Flipit: We saw Mystery while you were in the bathroom.
ChickBomb: It’s a good thing I missed him, I would have gone screaming in the other direction.
Flipit: Fine, don’t learn how to find a husband.
ChickBomb: Then we realize our hand stamps get us into the press room!
Flipit: Hullo! TVgasm’s like important. Duh.
ChickBomb: I strolled in to hang around watching people come off the stage. Pumkin from Flavor is Love is there with a ton of cheap blond hair extensions. I also see Brigitte Neilson, the Sunset Tan girls, Chyna and Ron Jeremy milling around. Jeff Lewis from Bravo’s Flipping Out comes over to talk for a while. He says doing his show was therapeutic. He is exceptionally nice. He gives me the name of his publicist, and is quite excited to do some internet press.
Flipit: We split up at this point, because hanging around the press makes me feel like a cheat and a liar. Besides, my husband was still outside. That Flipping Out guy came outside and we jumped on him. I said he was handsome and blahblahblah and then I tried to make BFF with his secretary. I. Love. Her. She made me take a ton of pics because she wanted to look just right. This is the one she finally approved.
We won the award for best moisturized trio of the night.
ChickBomb: I see Arissa from the Real World Las Vegas, but don’t go up to her because I can’t remember if she’s Arissa or Irulan and I have the feeling that if I get it wrong, it will not be cool at all.
Flipit: Hello! You recap the Real World! HAHAHA. Me and Trisha cornered her. I told her I liked the part in the Vegas Reunited season where they had to go to group counseling and rolled their eyes the whole time and she said “Yeah, you know why? Cuz therapy doesn’t work.” Alrighty then. You should give it another try, crazy face. Kidding! She was really sweet and all, but you have to admit she has the craziest face in reality tv history. Sadly, that wasn’t one of the categories at the awards show.
Stop trying to hide behind my huge face, Arissa!
ChickBomb: Then I see Bridget, one of the Girls Next Door, prancing around with an award. A second later, I turn around to see Kendra leading a pack of people including about five hot girls, Holly… and Hef! The pack stops right in front of me. Some security guard named Mark is not moving things along fast enough! Kendra yells at him, and nothing happens, then Hef yells at him and they move. Hef holds onto the back of Holly’s dress and they skip out.
A couple of seconds later, some guy comes running out from the direction they came. He looks around the room with crazy eyes and crazier hair. Then he sees me and asks, “Did you see which way Hugh Hefner went?” I pointed in the opposite direction. You can thank me at the next poker night, Hef.
Flipit: I missed Hef!! ARGH! I got the guy from the Bunny Ranch. More old guys should wear diamond encrusted baseball caps, cuz they’re really flattering.
You better hope Tim Gunn’s not here.
ChickBomb: Then I see Evil Dick from the Big Brother house. All I know about Big Brother is what Flippy says, which is basically that he’s evil and he won. I text Flipit madly, but he doesn’t text me back! I know I need to talk to Dick for the team, but I have no idea what to ask. So finally I just go up and ask him how he won. He tells me by fucking with people, with confrontation and by being the biggest asshole on TV. And he’s perfectly pleasant about it. He says he’s using his prize money to send his two kids to college. Awwww. And also to by a Harley. It looks like he’s wearing the same jeans he wore the whole time in the Big Brother house.
Flipit: I did get your text, and I attacked him when he came out of the press room with his (verrrry young) hottie date. You are so right about those jeans. I told him that he was so rude and gross but really fascinating too and that I turned on BB After Dark the night he berated Zach for three hours while they had to stand on a stump and thought it was funny how they edited it with romantic music to make him look like a sweet hero. Of course I said this all with a huge shit eating grin on my face and he looked like he wanted to punch me. He said “everything I said was the truth!” He was being super nice and charming (yes I said charming) so I dropped my bs and asked for a picture. Notice I put Trisha between us as a buffer. I am still scared of the guy. He posed for the pic, and his gf totally grabbed onto the sock in his pants. Classy.
ChickBomb: I spy Dr. Will and Zack from this year sitting in a corner together, and I figure I’m on a BB roll, so I sit down to chat with them for a bit. They’re both very nice. When I tell them I’m from TVGasm, Dr. Will comments that we’re the ones who replaced B-Side, and I said B-Side and replaced don’t belong in the same sentence (Side Note: I tried desperately catch up with our former HNIC himself to get an update for all us fans he left behind, but he never showed. I know, I was bummed too!).
Flipit: Yeah that was lame. We were excited about hanging out with B-Side and JUnit but they ditched us. RUDE. Call me!
ChickBomb: Dr. Will is wearing makeup, but he is handsome. I see him later with his girlfriend, from Love or Money and she’s gorgeous. He says there will be other reality stars on Dr. 90210. He is no longer in contact with the girls he show-manced with. Then we talk about Nip/Tuck.
Flipit: Dr. Will was so adorable. His girlfriend was totally hot, but I didn’t get the best pic of her.
Alright you two, the Botox parties are getting out of control.
Flipit: I was in the bathroom line with Zach from BB and he’s way hotter in person. Don’t stone me for that one, it’s true. I asked him what he’s been up to since the show ended and he said Dolphin Crash Dolphin Crash Dolphincrashdolphincrash dolphincrash. Good lord, man. Then he gave me a sticker that said….guess.
ChickBomb: I was surprised to find out Zack didn’t win any money, but he says it is because he didn’t place. I don’t agree, he should get something for third.
Flipit: He should get something for being stuck alone in a house with the Dicks.
ChickBomb: Zack is working on some underwater photograph project. I advise him to go to the Barrier Reef in Australia, and he pretty much ignores that. He says he is moving to some remote island in the Pacific Rim for a while though. He also talks about his line of clothes, something with Dolphins in the name.
Flipit: DOLPHIN CRASH, GODDAMMIT!
Hey, Zach. What do you do again?
Flipit: I made my way into the theatre and saw a bunch of BB alum on the couch. I asked Howie if he would cuddle with me and he obliged. What a guy! He smelled good.
Flipit: Eric and Jessica were all cuddly and stuff so I left them alone and zeroed in on Amber. “First of all, I’m a Jew. Kidding!” She laughed uncomfortably. I asked her if people are giving her shit about her anti-Semitic comments and she said that she’s read a lot of negative stuff, but people are really nice to her face. I felt like she was talking about me, so I started tap dancing. I said that it must be hard being recorded all day and night and if anyone heard half of the shit I say in private I would be tarred and feathered. She laughed and was basically really sweet which made me feel terrible. Right then and there I made a vow to stop being such a horrible person.
OMG you could be a model!
So I take it he gave you a cut.
ChickBomb: I hang out for a while with two guys, Mike and Josh who have filmed a show for Fox called “Lewis and Clark”. They are very nice. I hope their show gets picked up. One of the directors from the show “On The Lot” comes by and Mike and Josh are really amped to meet him. What ever happened to that show? Then we talk about the new American Gladiator show that’s coming back.
Flipit: That On the Lot guy was a hoot. He said that Carrie Fisher bitched and moaned about his retarded film and then when it won the audience vote she deemed him brilliant. Oh, Carrie. I asked him if the rumors that he and Carrie Fisher dated for awhile were true and he looked at me like I was insane. Guess not.
Trisha gets serious about her filmmaking talk.
ChickBomb: I go to the bathroom. I’m third from next, and Brooke Hogan comes along in some cut-out cheetah print that boggled my mind. She needs to cut the line because she has to be on stage! Nobody has a problem, so she goes amid promises to be the fastest pee-er ever. She’s very bubbly.
Flipit: I went outside after cuddling with Howie to find Trisha and she was totally getting all lesbionic with Holly from Big Brother 5.
Flipit: I started feeling lonely and then I almost peed on the floor. Right there, in a booth in front of my face, was the love of my life! NICK! I was kinda mortified that he was cuddling with Daniele, but I wasn’t going to NOT talk to him! I sucked in my stomach and asked him if he would take a picture with me. Dicklet was all “What about meeeeee?!? It’s so haaaaaard being meeeeeee!” Actually, she didn’t say anything, but she looked at me like she’d cut me if I touched her man, so I just got a quickie (pic) and ran away to giggle like a little girl.
Flipit: I ran into the press room to get a (giant martini) moment to recover and almost fell over backward. JENIUS!! I said, “girl you don’t even KNOW how much I love you! I made so many Jen t-shirts that….” she stopped me. “Did you make any money off of them?” Damn, greedy. I said no because we did them at Cafe Press, so we made like a dollar a sale. Almost got her lawyer on my ass. She said that she’d seen all the shirts and they gave her a good laugh!! LOVE IT. She told me that she’s going to design her own line. I asked for her picture and said I’d make sure it was a good one so she didn’t cry. She laughed and smiled real perty like. Love you, Jenius!! Man, I really miss Schoonie right now.
ChickBomb: Still in the bathroom line. These reality girls take forever in there. While I’m waiting, I talk to a girl from Beauty and The Geek named Jenny Lee. She was nominated for Best Show-mance. At this time, I’m getting kind of buzzed so I think I ask her if she won, like, three times. She didn’t. She doesn’t talk to the guy she had the show-mance with anymore, either. Also while I’m waiting, Danny Bonaduce comes strutting in. He’s huge with muscles and very smiley.
Flipit: I finally pulled Trisha and Holly apart and we went over to talk to the Sunset Tan girls. And wow. They were really tanned. They said they’d give us a free session cuz we both looked pale. I said I don’t want to get naked in front of them cuz I’m all fat, and they said fat looks better when it’s tanned. Ummm…..you were supposed to say I don’t look fat, bitches!! How rude.
Trisha just got a look at the rack next to her. Holy Moly, lady. You are so gonna have back problems when you’re older. But you’ll be tanned!
Flipit: Trisha said she felt like death after standing next to those whornadoes, so we made our way to the makeup booth. Brooke Hogan showed for a touch up and Trisha actually made her wait til she was done. Hilarious.
Wait your turn, lady.
ChickBomb: Finally I get my turn in the bathroom, and then afterwards, find Flipit and Trisha. We go outside, and head over to the photo booth and find Flasher Heather from Rock of Love there! I nearly die!
Flipit: All three of us screamed HEEEAAAATTTHHHEEEERRR!!!!! And she screamed too, and then we all jumped up and down and hugged each other like we won a car. This girl was awesome. She put her boob in my mouth!! I think the last woman to do that was my mother. Like, a looooong time ago. Don’t be gross.
ChickBomb: Flash is very pretty, and much smaller than on TV. She is doing nothing to hide that Bret tattoo. Flippy and Trisha take pics with her in the photo booth, and she flashes us like crazy…that’s our girl! I tell her how bummed I was that she lost. I ask her if she still has it for Bret. She tells me they both have it for each other, but that it’s all good. Seriously dolls, Flash could not have been cooler. She totally made our night!
Flipit: And of course, Trisha had to get some girl on girl in.
We don’t call her Flasher for nothin’.
ChickBomb: Then we see Brandi C. and Sidekick Kristia. Brandi C. is frolicking near the hot tub with the crazy Britney guy (who is creepy, creepy, creepy beyond words), and Sidekick Kristia is standing by fulfilling her sidekick duties. Kristia is a sweetheart, and very pretty. I tell her I want gossip, and she says she really isn’t a gossipy girl, and I know we can never be friends. But we have a lovely chat anyway. She says Bret is nicer and also shorter than what she expected. She wasn’t too upset to be voted off, cause she was mainly in it for the experience, which I’m totally down with. Also she saw the bond Bret had with Flasher, and she knew they were meant to be together. Verrrrrry interesting. Her, Flasher and Brandi C. watched the finale together, and Kristia says it was rough for Flasher because she is really in love with him. She also gave me some inside info about the finale itself, but you’ll have to wait for the recap for that part!
Kristia also told me that One S Jes has a boyfriend in Chicago, who mysteriously appeared just a few weeks after filming ended. Hmmm…what a coincidence, was the consensus. Kristia has heard Mark McGrath, Tommy Lee or Bret again for Rock of Love Two. And Kristia has a real rock star boyfriend now. I said I wouldn’t tell, but he’s in a band that is somehow related to Chris Daughtry, so there’s your clue if you care.
Flipit: I couldn’t hear a word you guys were saying because I could not get over how grodie Chris Crocker was. Seriously ew. Trisha didn’t seem to mind.
ChickBomb: We wandered over to talk to Holly from BB 5 and she and Trisha started hugging and kissing like they hadn’t seen each other in years. Holly says she did an appearance on Two and A Half Men, and told us she kissed Charlie Sheen and then threw up in the sink. Not clear if this happened on the show, or in real life.
Flipit: That Denise Richards deserved every penny she got.
ChickBomb: The power inside went off around this time, so they had to stop taping. People started leaving, and when we got to the interview room, we were left with the aptly named Johnny Leftovers from Scott Baio’s show.
Flipit: He said they were working on a second season and I said “so does that mean Scott’s talking to you again?” I didn’t mean to be rude, I really wanted to know! He turned away and pretended to talk to Jenius, who swiveled her barstool away from him. Poor Johnny Leftovers!
ChickBomb: During our brief stint inside, I spy a good looking dark hair guy. “Is that Brody Jenner?” I poke Flippy excitedly. He observes, then determines, “Well, I didn’t immediately want to jump him, so no.” He’s right, it’s not. The award for best villain (I think) goes to Evil Dick. Larissa, from Charm School is nominated as well, and when she loses, she storms out in a red dress that barely covers her ass. We wander back outside and chat with Heat and some other guy from I Love New York. Flippy loves them, but I just want to get away from them.
Flipit: Sorry, all I heard were MUSCLES. As I rubbed him up and down, he told me he was straight. I was like uh huh, what’s your number?
I’m sorry. Did you say something?
It’s official. Alexis Arquette hates my ass. Sorry, bitch, but I got his number!!
ChickBomb: The power’s back on, so I go back in and watch another award being presented by Brigitte Nielson and Eric from Big Brother. I strike up a convo with a guy who is Saphari from Flavor of Love/Charm School’s manager. She left early for a photo shoot, he tells me. He says she’s working on a new VH1 show, but it’s on the DL right now, so that’s the only scoop I got. As I am about to leave, that’s when the big drama happens! Danny Bonaduce and Johnny Fairplay are on stage, and they start off doing some kind of humping each other joke. But it turns crazy when Bonaduce picks up Johnny Fairplay around slams him on the stage! Johnny Fairplay ends up with a bloody face! Must have been ‘roid rage. I go to find Flipit and tell him the dirt, but he’s not listening to me.
Flipit: She had to come outside to drag me away from the hot tub and get Trisha off Holly. I had to remind Trisha for the tenth time that night that it wasn’t fair to just be gay for a night. You have to commit. The three of us looked around the room. When you’re only left with Frank from the Real World to talk to, it’s time to call a cab.
Kidding! I love ya, tiger!
Flipit: Everyone was so nice to us and we had a really great time. I met Nick, which still is kinda freaking me out, how could the night get any better?
We aren’t allowed to spoil the results for you, so tune into the Second Annual Fox Reality Awards October 13 on FRC!! HEART