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by ChickBomb and Lushy
So dolls, who loves award shows? Well, me neither! Long and boring are the two words that come to mind. So for this year’s Emmys, I went on a mission to make watching the show a tres fab experience. I corralled a group of my girls to cocktail, watch the show and say witty and clever things that I could write down and share with the Gasmii. The cocktailing went great. The watching went off without a hitch (well, with the exception of the unusually large amount of technical difficulty on the telecast, but that’s not our fault). Witty and clever? Perhaps. Bitchy and drunk? Most definitely.
You have a cavity.
The ChickBomb event starts a bit early, at 3:30 pm actually, when Lushy Lusherton inexplicably turns up about four hours early. But, she’s brought several bottles of champagne with her, so whatevs. Lushy doesn’t really watch TV, but loves a good party and can always be counted upon to bring the good champagne because she has a very rich husband. We bust one bottle open to celebrate…well, nothing. We just wanted to drink some. Then we turn on E! Entertainment Television to check out what people are wearing.
ChickBomb: Felicity Huffman looks amazing. Jewel tones are in for fall.
Lushy: Don’t you have a pair of pink Prada shoes in that exact color?
CB: (dreamily) Pink and Prada…two of my favorite words. Julia Louis Dreyfus looks good. She looks like she works out a lot.
(Julia Louise mentions that her trick to looking skinny is that she doesn’t eat anything good. CB and Lushy look at each other and shrug in agreement.)
Lushy: (lighting up and stabbing her cigarette pointedly) Smoking helps, too.
CB: Steve Carrell is awesome. He looks good. Cute wife. Why did Giuliana change her last name? DePandi sounds so much better than Rancic.
Lushy: Rancic? Awful.
CB: He won the first Apprentice.
Lushy: I would not advertise that I had that guy’s last name.
CB: Jim from The Office is hot.
Lushy: He is hot.
CB: Minnie Driver looks good. Love the color.
Lushy: Doesn’t she do film?
CB: Actually, yeah, what the hell is she doing there? (A quick Google reveals a FX show that I do recall watching for five minutes before flipping channels.)
Lushy & CB: Johnny Drama!
CB: Johnny Drama’s such a cult hero. You don’t even watch TV, and you love him.
Lushy: Who doesn’t love him?
Kevin Dillon (from the TV): Johnny Drama’s my hero. He saved me.
Lushy: Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. Saggy boobs, that dress has way too much going on, and the earrings don’t work at all.
(It’s Marcia Cross, of Desperate Housewives)
CB: Good points, but I see where she was going with it. It doesn’t come together quite right, but it’s not awful. Those earrings are amazing, but totally wrong with the hair.
Lushy: (Withering look)
CB: You need a refill.
Everything needs to look up a bit.
(Vanessa Williams appears in sea-foam feathers. Lushy gulps champagne in attempt at recovery from Marcia Cross. This could push her over the edge.)
Lushy: (Loooonnnng pause. Stares intently at the TV. Then, finally) I like it.
CB: I like it too! Very couture. Gorgeous color.
Vanessa Williams (from the TV): My beauty secret? Great hair and makeup people.
CB: Amen to that.
Lushy: What the fuck is that?
(It’s Pam from The Office. It’s bad, very, very bad.)
CB: It looks like wallpaper. And it has a big bow. In the front. Why? And more importantly, why?
Lushy: Did she just call it an “UM-pire waist”? EM-pire waist, bitch.
So, how’s that bus and truck tour of Spamalot going?
CB: (As Hugh Laurie from House appears on screen) Oh, he’s hot.
Lushy: He is hot.
(He starts talking.)
CB: He’s British? I had no idea. That guy’s a really good actor.
Lushy: Who’s that little kid?
CB: He’s from Two and A Half Men.
Lushy: Well, I think they flat-ironed his hair.
CB: Oooh, Neil Patrick Harris! I really like him on that CBS show.
Lushy: I don’t really watch TV.
CB: I know. Thank you for bringing the good champagne though. Oh, he’s all in Prada.
Lushy: He does look divine. Gay?
CB: Totally. There’s Tony Soprano. People are saying The Sopranos is going to sweep the thing. I love that show.
Lushy: Very sexy.
CB: He looks sharp. Love the cufflinks. Oh, Heidi and Seal, fabulous.
Lushy: That’s a fabulous dress.
CB: Oh, they’re both in Dior. They’re so fucking fashionable.
Lushy: That’s a fabulous dress.
CB: Did she just get in a plug for Victoria’s Secret? Heidi’s a pro.
Lushy: Rebecca Romijn Stamos. Looks vintage.
CB: I think it is. I’m not sure how I feel about it. Pretty color and sparkly. But I don’t know.
Lushy: I like it. It’s glamour.
CB: That’s not John Stamos.
Lushy: You’re right. Who is that?
CB: I forget…(another quick Google) Oh, it’s Jerry O’Connell.
Lushy: I have no idea who that is. Why would she dump John Stamos for him?
CB: Katherine Heigl. She annoys me, but she always looks fab.
Lushy: Top of the dress looks a bit prom-y.
CB: It’s Zac Posen.
Lushy: It’s a bit prom-y.
CB: I don’t like those earrings with it. Oh, Christina Aguilera. She looks very glam.
Lushy: Loves it. Is she pregnant? You can’t tell.
CB: She is a tiny, tiny girl.
Lushy: Who’s that?
CB: From Grey’s Anatomy. (It’s Ellen Pompeo. No need for further clarification, Lushy doesn’t know who it is anyway) Great jewelry, great makeup.
Lushy: Charlie Sheen! Why is he at the Emmys?
CB: He’s on a TV show.
Lushy: Oh, OK I think I knew that. He looks…harsh.
It’s been a loooong Summer.
CB: Teri Hatcher….loves it.
Lushy: Is that Badgley Mischka? She just did a party with them.
CB: I love it, so probably, yeah. (Google confirms, yes). Sandra Oh. She’s a great actress, but she must be like, fifty. She’s been working forever.
Lushy: Those shoes are all wrong.
CB: They are so fucking wrong.
Lushy: They’re Bottega? They should stick to purses.
CB: For sure.
Lushy: Simon Cowell should button his shirt a bit.
CB: I love him, he’s so hot.
Lushy: Looks like Euro-trash.
CB: Randy’s shirt is ridiculous.
Lushy: I’m thirsty.
Well, that’s a wrap on the pre-show. ChickBomb hits the kitchen to smash up white peaches for Bellinis while Lushy sits on her ass, smoking and drinking champagne. Next up, the other three bitches arrive, and we watch the telecast. Stay tuned…