Recap: The Golden Globes: You Do Not Know How Much Blogging The Globes Does To My Confidence!

Hollywood celebrated itself last night as the 64th annual Golden Globe Awards rolled into town. Actually, it was more like Hollywood celebrated Britain as every other winner seemed to come from across the pond. Whether it was Hugh Laurie or Jeffrey Irons or Helen Mirren or Helen Mirren again, everyone was a Brit. Plus, we learned something very important. Contrary to popular belief, not all British people can whip out a hilarious, witty, extemporaneously biting speech. I’m looking at you, Mirren (and the guy who’s the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press). But enough babbling. Time to relive all the high points (Sacha Baron Cohen) and low points (Maria Menounos) of the evening.8:21 PM
Well, we started watching a little late, but that’s okay. It just means we get to fast forward over all the commercials. First thing I notice as the awards start — a Deep House Dish-worthy techno opener that will surely be repurposed for every single gay pride parade this year. Later, I discover that this “One Night Only” song actually comes from Dreamgirls. Again, a future gay pride hit.

8:21 PM
It’s only been one minute, but I feel like I’ve heard “One night only! C’mon! C’mon! C’mon!” a trillion times already. I don’t know who’s singing, but I’ll take a guess: Mandisa.

8:22 PM
The Mandisa-esque house music ushers George Clooney onto the stage. Is this really going to be the theme music of the night?

8:22 PM
First category: Best supporting actress in a motion picture. Nothing to interesting here. Nominee Emily Blunt looks completely different than she did in Devil Wears Prada, probably thanks to those new veneers. Nevertheless, Jennifer Hudson easily wins this category, much to Cate Blanchette’s dismay. In no time, J-Hud is she’s crying, and she delivers the line of the night: “You do not know how much this does for my confidence.” The audience laughs — except for Beyoncé who shoots an icy smile to the camera. After a touching comment about finally feeling like part of a community, Jennifer Hudson goes generic and begins thanking everyone in Hollywood. Okay, Effie. Time to wrap it up. Like the song says, it’s one night only; so shut up and let other people win.

8:25 PM
Here’s J-Timbo. Unlike for George Clooney, there’s no Mandisa music. Instead, we’re back to the classic jazzy Globes theme. Justin is presenting Best Original Song, and based on the snippets we hear, it appears as though the state of movie music is at an all time low. The Baby Boomer friendly selection includes a bland piece by Seal, a bland piece from Dreamgirls. A bland piece from Bryan Adams. A bland piece from Prince. And a slightly less bland piece from Sheryl Crowe. Wonderful. Where’s Three 6 Mafia when you need them.

8:27 PM
Prince wins the Golden Globe, but he isn’t there to accept. Justin looks lost and stares into the audience for what feels like an eternity. SAY SOMETHING. Finally, Justin humorously accepts on behalf of Prince, crouching down to emphasize the Purple one’s diminutive stature. It’s pretty funny and fairly bold, especially considering that J-Timbo is not the paradigm of height himself. (He’s tiny in person.)

8:28 PM
Great. Adrien Grenier. And Eva Longoria. Two fine thespians. They’re introducing Miss Golden Globes. Which second generation daughter will it be? Turns out it’s Lorraine Nicholson, daughter of Jack. Lovely. Now it’s time for Best Supporting Actor in a series, miniseries, or TV movie. We cut to nominee Thomas Hayden Church, who’s chewing on some gum like it’s his cud. Classy. Meanwhile, Jeremy Piven has arrived with his mom (and some stubble — on him, not her). He seems like a shoo-in for this award, and he knows it. But who wins? The Globe goes to Jeremy… Irons. Haha. Piven fakeout! As Jeremy Irons wades his way up to the stage, Jeremy Piven looks down at his plate and barely contains his sadness. All that money on hair plugs, and for what? For what? As for Jeremy Irons, he appears to be coming straight from the set of some 19th century period piece. Oh those daffy Brits and their homages to historical garb! Once Mr. Irons gets on stage, he jokes that he can’t remember anyone’s names and then does a little bit about mispronouncing the name Ahmed (Kal Penn HATES that!). It’s kind of an obnoxious speech, but because he’s British, everyone laughs anyway and feels all the more cultured for it. Somewhere in the audience, Rene Zellweger squints for the tenth time this evening. Jeremy Irons then announces, “I’m supporting Helen Mirren, and if you can’t support Helen Mirren, you can’t do anything.” It’s an awfully presumptuous statement (I think I can do many things without supporting Helen Mirren, thank you very much), but I guess it’s a nice gesture nonetheless. Of course, it’s completely undermined when he starts babbling about having sex with a script. Or something like that. I don’t know. He’s on stage entirely too long, and we all just know that some cooler speeches towards the end of the show will be cramped into fifteen seconds as a result of babbling.

8:32 PM
I love Tina Fey, but she walks on stage with the sort of dress she would have mocked on SNL. It’s showing cleavage, which is fine, but out of character for her, and it also sticks out like a stiff tutu. I’m not well versed in the sartorial lexicon; so I’m sure there are better, more descriptive words for the outfit. For now, I’ll just call it dumb-looking. Anyway, she and David Spade present Best Actress in a TV Drama. I’m hopeful that The Pomp will win, just so we can revel in her squinty-eyed perfection, but alas, the award goes to Kyra Sedgewick for The Closer — one of the most overrated shows on TV, if you ask me. The best part of all this is seeing that Donald Trump and Melania are stuck at the same table as Sharon Stone. That’s a whole lot of crazy right there. Best table ever. Anyway, Kyra gets on stage and announces, “I’m definitely not going to be remotely funny.” Don’t worry, we weren’t banking on it. Just say your thank yous and get on with it.

8:33 PM
Did Kyra jog to the auditorium? She’s sweating up a storm.

8:36 PM
Nancy O’Dell comes on TV and yammers on about something, and in the background, the Grey’s Anatomy cast all toasts. To The Pomp’s failure! Hoorah!

8:38 PM
Naomi Watts introduces Babel. I instantly feel illuminated by this tale of international strife and concern. The Globes manage to piss me off by showing a trailer instead of a scene. There’s literally no attempt by award shows to disguise the fact that they are literally gigantic commercials for these films.

8:39 PM
Rene Zellweger discusses the history of the Hollywood Foreign Press. Ellen Pompeo, THIS is how you do squinty face!

8:40 PM
Rene Zellweger: please stop being so annoying.

8:40 PM
And now a speech from the president of the HFP. He sounds like he’s at a tea party, what with his lispy British accent that seems to say “I descend from the House of Lords.” He announces that there are three noms who were all noms in the same exact categories thirteen years ago: Meryl, Jack, and Clint. Meryl appears shocked by this news. I’m shocked she’s even paying attention to this windbag. The guy then says that these three prove that stars are ageless. Translation: you guys are OLD.

8:42 PM
Sharon Stone is already doing her trademark laugh. Cue the calliope music.

8:42 PM
Jessica Biel and Diddy appear on stage; although, there only appears to be 1.5 noses between the two of them. Yes, half of Jessica’s nose appears to have vanished into thin air. It’s now just a Jacksonian sliver. Anyway, the two award the Best Supporting Actress in a TV show to Emily Blunt for her work in Gideon’s something or another. Emily tells us, “This is a film for anyone who’s ever had a child or who’s ever had a parent.” So… pretty much everyone.

8:45 PM
The cast of Heroes waltzes on stage and informs us that this is the regular timeslot for Heroes. Wow. NBC really is desperate these days. The cast then doles out the award for Best Actor in a Television Drama to none other than Hugh Laurie! Yay! He gives the funniest speech of the night so far by saying that his crew is wonderful and that other people work with a cast of drunken thieves. His crew, he insists, smells like mown grass. Unfortunately, like every other speech tonight, Hugh drags on his display of British wit too long, and we’re soon back to yawning.

8:53 PM
Steve Carrell listlessly introduces a new category: Best Animated Feature Film. No surprise here. The award goes to Cars, despite Maggie Gyllenhaal’s revelatory yet frumpy performance in Monster House. John Lasseter says that the movie is about the journey, not the destination — something he learned from his wife. Oh yes? And what other clichés did your wife teach you?

8:56 PM
Joachim Phoenix always looks about ten years older every time he shows up on an awards show. He presents Lead Actress in a Comedy or Musical. Annette Bening proves to be spectacularly annoying when her name is read and she acts all surprised — as if she didn’t know she was nominated in this category. Who me??? Of course, Meryl Streep deservedly wins, which is great because a) she was awesome in The Devil Wears Prada, and b) she always has the best loopy-but-smart-and-biting speeches. First she reveals to us that Miss Golden Globes herself, Lorraine Nicholson, once came over to her house for a birthday party where there were snakes. Didn’t really make sense, but that’s okay. She then pulls out a piece of paper that appears to have a lot of writing on it. When some people in the audience groan, Meryl tells them to shut up, which is pretty awesome because you know that’s exactly what they did. She then yammers on about all the indie films people should demand to see and thanks Emily Blunt and “darling” Annie Hathaway. In the end, she removes her glasses and leaves us with her now trademark, “That’s all.” All in all, pretty awesome.

9:07 PM
Rachel Weisz appears on stage to present Best Supporting Actor in a motion picture. I hope Mark Wahlberg wins. Then again, I’m pretty much rooting for The Departed and Devil Wears Prada in every category — mostly because they’re the only two movies I’ve seen. But seriously, The Departed should take it all in my book. Sadly, Marky Mark is left sitting with his funky bunch. Eddie Murphy wins the award and delivers a speech that has a smack of arrogance to it. Jamie Foxx was probably jealous, if only because he wants to get up and do his Ray Charles impression again. Heeeey. Hooooo.

9:10 PM
Sarah Jessica Parker introduces The Devil Wears Prada, and instead of a trailer, the producers do something worse — they show an awkwardly edited pastiche of scenes. Just show a damn scene. The cerulean belt scene was made for award shows.

9:12 PM
Sienna Miller and Terrence Howard present Bill Nighy with the award for some acting in a miniseries category. This marks the 34th consecutive British person to take the stage. No one is more excited than Sienna Miller, who rejoices loudly. This is like the anti-Pittsburgh for her!

9:15 PM
We cut to the umpteenth shot of Brangelina. They’re smiling, but we know they’re thinking, “We wish we had British accents.” Don’t worry, Angelina. You’re almost there.

9:15 PM
The nominees for Lead Actress in a TV movie or miniseries. Helen Mirren for Elizabeth I. Helen Mirren for Prime Suspect 6. Helen Mirren for High School Musical. Helen Mirren for To Be Fat Like Me. Helen Mirren for 10.5. Helen Mirren for The Helen Mirren Story. Helen Mirren for The Making of the Helen Mirren Story. Helen Mirren for Helen Mirren Presents: Mirren. The True Story of Helen Mirren.

9:19 PM
Cameron Diaz walks on stage looking ruffle-tastic. She introduces The Departed. Another trailer that does a disservice to the film.

9:20 PM
Hilary Swank and Jake Gyllenhaal present Best Screenplay, which of course merits the funky “Hey, it’s writing!” music. The Departed has to win (again, it’s the only nom I’ve seen). Instead, The Queen wins. And the writer is… Helen Mirren! Oh, never mind. It’s some British guy. And guess what? He has a political speech! Yay endorsements of public protest!

9:22 PM
In the evening’s largest display of plastic surgery, a drunken Tim Allen and Vanessa Williams take the stage to present the award for leading actor in a TV comedy. Before they do that, however, Tim Allen leers at Vanessa Williams for an uncomfortable amount of time, thus reminding us once again that he’s probably only a few Disney bombs away from oblivion (crossing fingers). Anyway, this is a tough category. Alec Baldwin has to win for 30 Rock, but how can anyone deny Steve Carrell? Truth is that Tony Shaloub will probably be the spoiler again. Well, Vanessa Williams goes all Oprah on us and announces the winner is “Aaaalec BAAAAALDWIN for Thirtyyy ROOOOOCK!!!” A sweaty Alec graciously accepts the award and then tells us he just had hernia surgery a few weeks ago. He then thanks his fellow cast members and his daughter… but no love for Kim Basinger. Shock.

9:30 PM
We’ve officially caught up with the live program on the Tivo. A statuesque, or actually, Rubenesque Geena Davis presents the award for Best TV comedy. This leads to a dumb Desperate Housewives clip, a dumb Entourage clip, a dumb Ugly Betty clip, and a dumb Weeds clip. The only funny clip come from The Office. Who chose these snippets? They were terrible. In a stunning upset, Ugly Betty manages to win the award, which allows us to see a breathless Salma Hayek and her heaving bosom bounce around on the stage. Afterwards, the cameras close in on Jennifer Lopez, who instantaneously has the responsibility of representing the entire Latina population.

9:35 PM
GREAT. Jamie Foxx is on stage. Luckily, he doesn’t sing. The closest he comes is a melodic mention of “Jigga.” He then reminds us of all the stars he’s friends with by giving them shout outs, and when he’s done stroking his own ego, he finally gets around to introducing Dreamgirls. Another trailer…

9:26 PM
Djimon Honsou and Sharon Stone take the stage, and quite honestly, just looking at Sharon Stone makes me laugh. The two present best foreign language film, which ultimately goes to Clint Eastwood for Letters from Iwo Jima. The screen legend gets up to the mic and announces, “You don’t know what this does for my confidence.” Oh SNAP! J-Hud, you just got called out by Clint Eastwood! Smell ya later, confidence!

9:44 PM
Now it’s time for Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore, who inform us that Prince actually is here, but he was stuck in traffic earlier. Prince takes a bow, and more importantly, the camera gazes on Felicity’s Huffman’s newly puffy face. It’s kind of like a Madame Tussaud’s sculpture come to life.

9:49 PM
America Ferrera surprisingly wins lead actress in a TV comedy. She sobs, Salma sobs, Helen Mirren sobs. With boobs heaving everywhere, America delivers a sweet and sincere speech, which like all the others of the night, turns boring. How do you say “ENOUGH” in Spanish?

9:53 PM
Oh, this is awkward. And this is already my favorite moment of the night. America Ferrera walks by Maria Menounos and thinks she’s supposed to be interviewed. Poor girl. She just awkwardly stands there while Maria babbles on. America then realizes that maybe she’s not supposed to be interviewed. She makes an embarrassed face and waltzed off. BUT LO! You can’t escape the ‘Nounos so easily. Maria drags her back on camera and then peppers her with all sorts of dumb questions, starting off with, “What do you say to all those people out there that did not want you to play Ugly Betty?” America’s like huh? People didn’t want me? Ooops! This is kind of like when Nancy O’Dell asked Annette Bening where she keeps her Oscar, and Annette kindly reminded her that she didn’t have an Oscar. Anyway, Maria continues to ask rambling, unrehearsed questions. Clearly, there was no prep for this. Just end it. No, no. Keep it going. This is great.

9:58 PM
Cecil B. Demille Award. Tom Hanks ribs Warren Beatty for his appearances on The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis. whatever, BOSOM BUDDIES.

10:00 PM
Tom Hanks keeps mentioning “balls.” Hi-larious. Hey, where’s Shirley Mac?

10:07 PM
Can we just get on with it? Just hand him the award, TOM.

10:10 PM
Does anyone else think it’s weird that the Beatty montage was set to the tune of a Madonna song? I mean, it’s his ex, for crying out loud. I bet Annette HATES it.

10:13 PM
Warren finally takes the stage. I’m shocked that Annette doesn’t do her faux-surprised reaction again. Later, Warren Beatty announces he’ll do another movie. Yay. I guess.

10:15 PM
Oh god. Warren Beatty just did a Borat impersonation.

10:15 PM
Warren: silence now. Silence.

10:17 PM
For once, I empathize with Jamie Foxx, who in the background appears to be bored beyond relief. Of course, if he ever gets a Cecil B. DeMille award, he’ll be up there rambling, singing, wisecracking for a solid forty-five minutes.

10:21 PM
Dustin Hoffman gets on stage, nearly falls off, and then makes a nice Ishtar reference. Then Steven Spielberg presents the nominees for director, motion picture. And the winner… Martin Scorsese. I’m conflicted. On the one hand, Marty totally deserves it. On the other, I really wanted to see Stephen Frears, just so we could have another British person on stage.

10:28 PM
Sacha Baron Cohen wins best leading male in a comedy. He promptly gives a shout out to his co-star’s anus and testicles, thus starting the funniest speech of the night by far. It’s long, but great, and of course, the music cuts him off. Where was this prudence with Jeremy Irons and Kyra Sedgewick?

10:36 PM
Dane Cook has the unenviable job of following Sacha Baron Cohen, thus revealing why he’s so spurned by many comedy fans. Ha. What’s up, amateur hour.

10:37 PM
Here’s J.Lo! Announcing winner of best comedy. Tough category. Dreamgirls wins. Still haven’t seen it, and thankfully, the inane acceptance speech is CUT OFF! That’s right — Jeremy Irons gets more screen time than a Best Picture winner.

10:43 PM
The show is in total speed mode now. A very rushed Outstanding Television Drama award goes to… Grey’s Anatomy! You know what that means: SHONDA TIME! That’s right, series creator and Dartmouth alum Shonda Rhimes accepts the award and pretty much says “Seriously? Seriously?” over and over again. Just about the only one who’s more excited is The Pomp, who appears to be wearing some sort of a Grecian tunic. The best of this all, however, is the random cutaway to the random Mandisa woman waving her arms in the audience. Who are you? And can you appear on camera more often please?

10:45 PM
Ugh. Phillip Seymour Hoffman. I hate him. And he looks terrible. Probably on purpose. That’s why I hate him. He loves looking like a slob because it’s cool and ironic. I hope he has fun listening to some cool indie music afterwards. Anyway, best actress in a drama. Try not to act too surprised when I tell you it’s Helen Mirren. That’s a shock. And Helen receives two escorts to the mic. She gives another speech that should be way more memorable than it is. Probably would play better to a British crowd. Oh wait, this is a British crowd. High point: Helen Mirren makes an orb joke! Nothing like a little orb comedy to shake things up. Watch and learn, Sacha Baron Cohen. Watch and learn.

10:52 PM
Forest Whitaker wins best actor in a drama. He runs to the stage, which of course leads to the inevitable Run Forest Run jokes. In my head. He must have used all his energy during the spring because now he doesn’t know what to say beyond “Wow.” Please say something or go away. You only have 27 seconds. Meanwhile, in the audience Sharon Stone’s smiles broadly as if to say “This is WONDERFUL!”

11:00 PM
A hobbled Governor Schwarzenegger announces best picture. Adn the winner is… Babel? Really? Really? UGH. I really have to see this movie so I can base my hatred for it on concrete reasons. Babel is the new Crash. Meanwhile, in the middle of the speech, some douche is chatting on his cell phone. Idiot. Oh well. The Departed should have won, but I guess my opinion really means nothing until I see The Queen and Babel (and I guess Dreamgirls too).

What did you think of the awards? Happy with the winners?