By Flipit|Tuesday, February 27, 2007 | 8:19 am | 21 Comments
Case of beer? Check. Carton of smokes? Check. Enough Ben and Jerry’s to feed a small village? Check.
I take a good long look at myself in the mirror and focus my energy. Ever since I was a little boy I’ve dreamt of blogging the Acadamy Awards…oh who am I kidding? I picked this shift up last minute cuz B-Side needed time off to “find himself” and he knew I wouldn’t have a date. That said, I love TVGasm, I love the Oscars, and I love bingeing on alcohol, smokes, and ice cream, so let’s do this!
Ladies and Gentelmen! Live from the Kodak Theater (and my unmade bed)! The 79th Annual Acadamy Awards!5:00 The big night is kicked off with a 5 minute movie of all the nominees talking about their reactions to their nominations. I feel a sleep boogar forming in my right eye. I hope this snoozefest isn’t a sign of things to come.
5:35 Ellen comes out in a velvet suit. Ok, ok. We weren’t expecting you to wear a dress, but the red velvet suit isn’t really working for those thighs, girl. Still, at 49 she’s in better shape than I was in the third grade, so no more thigh comments for the rest of the night. Ellen tells us how she dreamed of hosting the Oscars when she was a little kid. Childhood Dream #114 accomplished! Now she just has to be the first singing President and learn how to move things with her mind and she can die a happy woman. Wait, those were my dreams. Sorry. Tonight’s show is going to be a little different from years past because this year, they are celebrating the nominees instead of the winners. Oooookay. This started with dull happy clips in a white room, I hope it ends with dramatic, drunken sobbing and angry belligerent calls to the loser’s mothers in a padded room. Crossing my fingers…
I start to worry that Ellen is going to deliver a boring ass monologue instead of upping her hum-drum everyday comedy ante, but after making everyone feel welcome she lets a little snark run free, so I don’t fast forward. It’s the most international Oscars ever this year and Mexico has a record number of nominations. The audience goes wild. The Oscars is the only place in the Country that you could brag about Mexico taking over without having an argument about rising health care costs and the downfall of the white Republican male. It’s nice to put our nation’s immigration argument to rest for the night, but if Pedro Almodovar comes out and starts bitching about US politics this year I’m torturing my maid when she comes to clean tomorrow. Ellen points out that at least the seat fillers are American. “No one can fill a seat like an American.” Ok, fat joke. Ellen just dissed the majority of her talkshow audience in front of a billion people and I have to say I love the bitchy Ellen so far. Keep it coming, Ell. Feed the people.
She says it’s nice to see such a diverse crowd in a time of such hate and discrimination. “If there weren’t blacks, Jews, or gays, there would be no Oscars.” LOL. “Or anyone named Oscar.” I crack up and get up to pee. Is Oscar a black name, a Jew name or a gay name? Wow, that Ellen DeGenerous girl’s crackin’ me up and makin’ me think. Are you sure this show’s free?
In a TV Guide interview last week, Ellen said “There will be no dancing”, so I was surprised when she did a big Hallelujah song and dance with a Gospel Choir. Either she had a change or heart, a shortage of jokes, or someone made her do it which is the option I’m leaning toward. Poor Ellen. She’s not a circus animal. Wait, why am I feeling sorry for Ellen? She’s a kagillionaire. Dance, monkey! When it’s done she seals her monologue with an “I wouldn’t want to follow that!” which doesn’t sound funny on paper, but you know that Ellen girl. She’s got a way about her. Overall a solid start. Nice work.
My best friend calls and agrees with me. “That shit was funny! And her thighs!” “OMG I KNOW!!!”
5:39 There’s nothing to kill a giggle buzz faster than starting with Art Direction as the first award. Didn’t they used to open with Best Supporting Actress? Sure, Nicole Kidman comes out dressed like Jessica Rabbit about to hang herself with Christmas present ribbon (please don’t! We already lost Anna Nicole! We can’t lose Jessica Rabbit too!), but would it be enough to keep me smirking through this award? I can’t help but think Nicole Kidman’s a bimbo, which is really unfair. Just because she’s tall, thin, beautiful and rich. So shallow. And then in her first line she mispronounces “Dreamgirls”. Ah well, at least I’m assured that my negativity comes from an honest place. Pan’s Labyrinth takes the prize and I have to say, the giant slimy frog guts in the scary dead tree still makes me nauseous. Mmmm. Rice Pudding. I made it myself. Good work, Pan’s Labyrinth.
5:42 Maggie Gyllenhaal comes out to tell us the winners of the technical awards, which she hosted last week at the other Oscar Ceremony. My best friend thinks the Techical Awards are relegatated to another night as punishment to the homlier nominees, but I bring up Al Pacino and she shuts up for a few minutes. MG is the perfect host for the dorkier side of the glamour, and that night filled her with sexy confidence that she brought with her tonight. What girl doesn’t want to be the hottest thing at the Oscars (any Oscars!) for once? It’s kind of like how I feel thin again when I go back home to Texas. “It was a wild night,” she says, “and I was proud to be one of the principal visual effects.” Did Maggie Gyllenhaal just call herself hot? Go, Maggie!
Instead of giving Debbie Allen more money to get people to change the channel, the Academy gave the Choreographer the night off and put her dancers to use in trippy Cirque De Soleil-ish acts where they danced onstage and transformed into different shapes. My best friend suggested I visit my pal Mary Jane, so this might only be fascinating to me because of her influence, but I’ve hit the rewind button enough times that I think the segments warrant clips.
5:53 Will Ferrell and Jack Black do a duet about not doing classy work the Acadamey recognizes, which is kind of funny til I remember Will Ferrell did make an attempt at classy with Stranger Than Fiction and still wasn’t recognized with a nom, so the song makes me sad. When John C. Riley joins them, saying you can be funny and dramatic and still work, I get more depressed. I see him at the dogpark in Silverlake sometimes and he always looks dirty and not working. But then again, that’s his style. This whole number has me conflicted, but as it goes on, I have to love these guys as they tease Peter O’Toole (poor guy’s taking a lot of shit so far) and call Helen Mirren hot and make general asses of themselves in the big, gay musical number. Sadness gone.
5:58 Next is the Makeup Award. Amazing things are being done in films today, so I usually pick the movie that grossed me out the most to win. This year it’s between that nasty gooey monster with eyeballs on his palms from Pan’s Labyrinth and a grossly obese Adam Sandler. Tough race…
…but the award goes to Pan’s Labyrinth. Sweet. So far the night is %100 Mexico. Hats off, Mexico. Hats off. You’re all citizens!
5:59 Ellen pretends she doesn’t know the camera is on backstage and gossips about Judi Dench missing the ceremony to get “knee surgery…on her eye!” Another score for the Degeneres girl. Abigail Breslin from Little Miss Sunshine announces the Best Animated short award with Will Smith’s little kid and they banter about Will Smith being rich and Abigail Breslin’s dad being poor and normal. Awkward. Something called The Danish Poet wins. Where do you go see Animated Shorts? The only one I ever saw was the one with the squirrel trying to get the nut before Ice Age, so I respect the artform a great deal even though I don’t get it. I feel the same way about the WWF. I am equally as ignorant about the next category, The Short Film. All I can say is that all the nominations look classier than anything I’ve seen on YouTube, and that’s saying something. As the West Bank Story winner walks the mile from his seat in the back of the theater, an Access Hollywood voice tells us this film was a struggle to get made because they shot in California during the wildfires and helicopters kept flying overhead. Oooh. That’s deep. They should make a documentary about that and come back next year.
6:11 Before going on with the show, Ellen apologizes to Penelope Cruz for implying she was Mexican, saving a heap of nasty mail in tomorrow morning’s inbox. Spanish people hate being called Mexican as much as Mexicans hate being called lazy. I don’t know why, but it’s true. Next up is a sound effects choir, which was really awesome, boring and hilarious all at the same time. I blow bubbles in my chocolate milk and feel a tingle up my spine. I may have finally found a talent!
6:15Letters From Iwo Jima takes the Sound Editing Award and I’m extremely impressed. That anyone saw Letters From Iwo Jima. Next Award is Sound Mixing, and it’s strange that Letters From Iwo Jima isn’t nominated for this, too. That must make one sad and jealous mix engineer. Sorry, kid. It was all in the sound editing for that film. The mix was just ok. The sound that scared me the most out of all of the nominated flicks was the heads being chopped off and thrown down the pyramids, but every time Apocolypto is even mentioned, everyone hears a silent Mel Gibson voice drunkenly yelling “kike!” Is it in our heads or is it tricky sound editing (or mixing?). It can’t be explained, but it’s there. Dreamgirls takes this one, which isn’t a good sign, because usually the Acadamy voters try to spread the love around by giving smaller awards to films that don’t win big ones. Well it’s a bad sign if you like Dreamgirls and I know you’ll all be shocked to know that I do. That Effie gave me strength I never had on my own. And I love American Idol OMG and Beyonce was so skinny!
6:21 Rachel Weisz comes onstage looking drop dead gorgeous, so I have to assume she’s a moron. She’s in charge of listing all the nominated Supporting Actors and gives us a breif character description. Uh-oh, this is a big job, Rachel. I root for her as she takes it very, very slowly. Seriously, she was talking like she was teaching the ABC’s to a two-year old.
My bet was on Eddie Murphy, but it’s hard to give the man an Oscar when Norbit was released at voting time. Not that Norbit‘s not a brilliant film. Alan Arkin wins for Little Miss Sunshine and as he walks to the stage, the Access Hollywood voice tells us that Mr. Arkin was initially rejected for this role because the producers thought he was “too virile”. Thanks for the image of Alan Arkin doing the nasty, Access Hollywood Voice.
6:25 It’s time for another trippy dance! Debbie Allen must be home shitting a brick right now.
6:30 Randy Newman comes out to sing his annual Oscar Nominated Song. Ugh. How does this happen every single year? I try to listen, I really do, but I just don’t get it. The last Randy Newman song I heard that I could actually remember the next day was that “Thank you for Being a Friend” song from Toy Story. Wait. That’s the Golden Girls Theme. What was it called?
The badass Melissa Etheridge is up next with her Inconvenient Truth song, and I cringe the same way I cringed when my parents would raise their hands in their “cool” church and belt out terrible Christian pop along with the “band”. Instead of saying things like “Jesus loves you. Do you?”, the screen behind Melissa shows tips on helping the environment. UGH. I know I’m supposed to be all up in arms over global warming, but this song makes me want to leave all the lights on, let my car ilde outside overnight and empty a can of Aqua Net into the air in protest. Preaching isn’t cool. Especially if you’re Melissa Etheridge.
Al Gore comes out on stage with Leo DiCaprio and follows Melissa’s Easy Bein’ Green Power Point Presentation with a dishwater dull sermon that reminds me why I flip the channel every time his big head shows up on my TV. Leo kisses his ass and the audience cheers like they’re at a pep rally. What can I tell you? It was like a touch-free labotomy to me. To show us he’s not all business, Almost President One Time Gore pretends he’s about to announce his run for Presidency when he’s cut off by the orchestra. Hilarious, Al, but the destruction of the planet is no laughing matter.
6:42 Cameron Diaz fidgets and spouts off her copy like she’s reading a foreign language. She’s adorable, but she shouldn’t ever be asked to read in public. The US School System suffers international humiliation every time she opens her mouth. Happy Feet wins Best Animated Feature, and I try to not be surprised even though that movie sucked balls. It was a karaoke Valentine to Greenpeace, so I should have seen it coming.
6:45 The Access Hollywood Voice announces Ben Affleck as an Oscar Winning Screenwriter and I am proud of the audience for not breaking into laughter. Boring montage of scenes about writers ensues. I daydream that I am in the montage, sitting here in my bed with my smelly dog surrounded by candy wrappers and empty Marlboro packs.
6:49 Helen Mirren comes onstage with Tom Hanks to announce The Departed as Best Adapted Screenplay and he looks uncomfortable. Her cleavage is showing, and it’s really shiny. Everytime she moves, her boobs shoot off a glare. Why Helen Mirren, you little slut!
7:03 Johnny Depp, dressed as Willy Wonka, accepts Marie Antoinette‘s award for Best Costume Design.
7:08 Tom Cruise graces the stage to present mogul and philanthropist Sherry Lansing with a Humanitarian Award. Tom has less energy than I’ve ever seen in him. You might say he’s…tired. Sherry’s had a kick-ass girl power dream career and I won’t make fun of her. Let’s just say, from listening to her read the teleprompter, it’s a good thing she gave up on-camera work and started producing. She’s done a lot of good things for the world, and even though she’s mostly responsible for Tom Cruise being in our face and up our butts for the past 25 or so years, I’m glad to see her get some recognition. And I bow down to any woman wearing diamond earrings big enough to be ping pong balls.
7:40 Gwyneth Paltrow is in the same dress in a different color as %85 of all the other “young actresses” on this show. What is going on with the gd mermaid dresses? She announces Pan’s Labyrinth as the Cinemography Award winner and the audience goes nuts. Viva la Mexico!
7:46 Another trippy dance number! Mary Jane accuses me of abuse and I giggle and giggle.
7:50 Robert Downey Jr. makes a joke about being a drug addict in the mid 90′s, but I’m not sure what part to laugh at. That he was a drug addict or that he hasn’t been one since the mid 90′s. No matter, he’s sober and boring now. Don’t believe me? Listen to his latest album samples on ITunes and tell me you don’t want to tie is forearm off with a rubber band and stick him deep. The Cinematography Award goes to Pirates and Robert stares off into space as drool drips down his chin. I know you can’t see me right now, but we could be brothers.
7:24 If you told me a few years ago Ali G would be at the Oscars, I would have laughed at you as hard as Sacha Baron Cohen is laughing at Ken Watanabe and Catherine Deneuve as they try to piece enough English together to get through the tribute to foreign films. I couldn’t be more psyched that Sacha’s there. He’s one of the few a holes in this room without a pc stick up his butt tonight.
7:30 Clive Owen and Cate Blanchett announce The Lives of Others as Best Foreign Film and I pop two TrimSpas and chug a Diet Coke. Just as I’m about to hit FF, Ellen does a Snakes on a Plane bit with the trippy dancers behind the screen. Hilarious.
7:36 Jennifer Hudson just won Best Supporting Actress and is crying. Adriana Barraza just lost and she’s crying too. Aw. This was a tough category and I was kind of pulling for Adriana. Her performance as the housekeeper who just wanted a day off in Babel was amazing and heartwrenching and taught us all to be a little bit nicer to the help. I decide no matter what happens tonight, I won’t torture Romana when she gets here in the morning. I even pick up a couple of pairs of dirty underwear off the floor and put them in a neat pile in the corner. Jennifer Hudson is cute and floored. “Look what God can do!” Al Gore comes out with another sermon but George Clooney takes his shoulder and ushers him back offstage.
7:41 Gael Garcia Bernal and Eva Green present the Best Documentary Short award and all I can think is damn, Eva was so hot in James Bond. What happened to her? Onscreen she’s a supermodel. Off, she’s the chick from White Stripes. She should have presented the Best Makeup Award. I could rewind to tell you who won this award, but do you really care?
7:44 Jerry Seinfeld is in the house to present the Best Documentary Feature Award. I’m thankful he’s not doing a…never mind. He’s doing a set. Dude. We’re over two hours in and you’re doing hacky movie theater etiquette jokes. Didn’t you retire? The red lights blinkin’, Jer. Get the hook. Shockingly, An Inconvenient Truth wins. As Al gore waddles to the stage, Access Hollywood Voice tells us that the night before the doc started shooting in New Orleans, Hurricane Katrina hit and reminded Al of the importance of his message. Or maybe it was God’s way of telling him to shut the fuck up. Did you ever think of that, Voice? If another natural disaster hits while Al’s making his sequel, I’ll demand an inquiry. In the meantime, let us pray.
What a speech. Did you know Al’s been fighting Global Warming for thirty years? Blech. I’m so sure.
7:57 I prick myself with a safety pin to wake myself up from Clint Eastwood’s awkward decline into stuttering amnesia and vow to buy a bottle of his salad dressing next time I’m at the supermarket. He pays tribute to Ennio Morricone, the great composer, and Celine follows him in Gwyneth’s dress with a world premier song written by the master. Love her or hate her (I still can’t decide), Celine delivers the goods. It’s touching to watch her serenade the old man, and inspiring to see that plastic surgery is getting better and better. Celine has had some work done, but still looks like Celine. She should be serenading her doctor. Ennio gives his speech in Italian and Clint does his best to translate, but he adds a lot of stutters and pauses which kind of erradicates the warm fuzzy feeling. Ah, well. There’s always the next Lifetime Achievement Award to make me possibly feel something.
8:02 A girlfriend of mine appears in a commercial that paid her rent for the entire year and I begin to re-evaluate what I’m doing with my life.
8:06 I could listen to Penelope Cruz talk all day. No one says Babel like her.
8:09 The Acadamy has finally read their hate mail and turned the usual ten minute President’s speech into a fast forward flurry of information no one cares about. I credit Ellen with this. Thank you, Ell. Now maybe you can call my mother and get the “fat, unmarried, waste of life” rant down to under sixty seconds. I might actually answer my phone every once in awhile. Oh yeah, and Little Miss Sunshine wins Best Original Screenplay. HOLLA! Loved. That. Movie.
8:15 Mary Jane’s all sticks, but I don’t fret. The trippy dancers come back out to pay tribute to The Devil Wears Prada.
You gotta love a spiked heel with a pot belly.
8:21 Hollywood reminds us that it’s ultimately a sweet, forgiving town by letting Jennifer Lopez on the stage to introduce a performance by the Dreamgirls. She wasn’t joined by her husband. Hollywood’s forgiving, but cameras aren’t. Beyonce and Jennifer rock it out, and it’s awesome to see the competitive spirit come out in Beyonce as she practically rips out her weave trying to top her cast mates emoting and jiggling. By the end of the medley, all three women are reduced to screaming rivals, and it’s the most fun I had all show. Oh, wait. I forgot about Penelope pronouncing Babel. Never mind.The girls work it as hard as they can, but the Best Song Oscar goes to An Inconvenient Truth. Yes, Melissa, we know. The Earth is dying. I just went into the kitchen and emptied my ashtray into the blue trashcan. Happy?
8:36 Will Smith, who’s wife is Jada P. Smith, is the perfect person to intro the American’s Are Extremely Opinionated Montage. Jada looks like she’ll slice you over a left-up toilet seat. Why didn’t they just trash this pointless segment? They’re cutting into my Barbara Walters time.
8:40 Kate Winslet walks like a lumberjack and I love her for it.
8:43 Marty Scorsese cries when his Departed editor wins and I cry too. I’m hung over, tired, and depressed that I’m poor and my friend booked a national commercial. Jodie Foster’s morbid Obit Montage doesn’t help. Where was Anna Nicole in this montage? She was in a movie once. In a theater.
8:54 Best Actress Smackdown. Judi Dench? Amazing. Kate Winslet? She should win for taking a role where her hot love interest soothes her insecurities by telling her “Looks aren’t everything…” Penelope. Need I say more than “Bahbeel!”? Meryl Streep is a goddess and even though she’s been nominated eight thousand times, I really want her to win this time because she showed up to the Oscars dressed like she didn’t give a crap what she looked like and she cracked up at her own clip. Helen Mirren wins (no twist there), and I just hope she keeps her shiny boobies in check. Access Hollywood Voice tells us that a palm reader once assured Helen that she would finally find success in her forties. That gives me hope. Kind of. She gave a great performance and deserved the award and all, but by the time her speech is done, I’m seeing stars. The final trippy dance represents my feelings on old ladies wearing body glitter.
9:01 Reese Witherspoon has been working out. Divorce looks good on her. She wastes no time (THANK YOU REESE) in naming Forest Whitaker Best Actor. I am glad when he delivers the most grateful, poetic speech of the night. Sleep deprivation is turning me into a weepy sap. Oh Jesus H. Christ, George Lucas! You had to ruin it! If you have that much money the least you could do is get that neck fat sucked out. The tricky beard grooming hides NOTHING.
9:03 I forgive the fact that this year’s show has been kind of bore snore when the Acadamy FINALLY gives Martin Scorsese his Oscar! YES!!! KICK ASS! I have nothing but respect for this director and am thrilled for him. Wow. Marty’s a tiny man. I had no idea. The fat ass directors standing behind him make him look like a grey haired, thick lensed fourth grader. That I highly respect. To prove that they weren’t just giving him a pity Oscar, the Acadamy follows the Director nod with a Best Picture Win for The Departed. The speech didn’t make me cry, but seeing Diane Keaton standing by Jack’s side did. Aw, true friendship lasts forever. I put my phone to my ear and hear my best friend loudly snoring. Ew. I’m so getting rid of her.
The show ends just as I finish my last smoke, and I’m feeling good. How bout you?
Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit