A Bareback Breastacular

Awards Shows

By m_ruv | Wednesday, January 18, 2006 | 10:36 pm | 32 Comments
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Are you an ardent masochist? If so you would’ve LOVED this weekend’s 63rd annual Golden Globe Awards. LOVED. Though the show was relatively streamlined, the train wrecks came fast and furious from the very beginning. The icing on the self-flagellation cake by far was the celebrity arrivals coverage. Amid a long tradition of embarrassingly bad red carpet “specials”—Kathy Griffin, Star Jones, Billy Bush, Joan Rivers, need one go further—this one truly took the prize. The hour-long nightmare landscape of fake air kisses, “what it is, girlfriend”s, and, inexplicably, Dean Cain, nearly led me to put out my eyes and eardrums with blunt pencils. It was a true delight. Insipid, shallow, minute-by-minute coverage begins below.8:05pm
The details of the red carpet coverage are best left unspoken. I must point out, though, the true high point of the atrocities, which was the song that bridged the gap between the celebrity arrivals and the start of the actual awards. If you think you’ve heard bad lyrics before, think again. This was probably the worst two minutes of television I’ve seen since that time Nancy Reagan showed up on Diff’rent Strokes.

8:06pm
Appropriately, the opening drumroll coincides with a sudden closeup of Queen Latifah‘s formidable bustline. She herself turns out to be the first presenter. The audience is a little unresponsive, with the sure-fire Martin Luther King Jr. mention only tepidly received. You’re supposed to CLAP, you Nazis.

8:08pm
Natalie Portman and Adrien Brody come out to present. Ms. Portman looks like a little pixie straight from Audrey Hepburn Camp. They announce Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture, which goes to George Clooney for Syriana. He gives a nice little gracious speech before ruining it with a lame Jack-(Abram)off joke. Stick to political DRAMAS buster, not comedies.

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8:11pm
The same pair presents Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture to Rachel Weisz for The Constant Gardener. Normally luminous—though by no means Laura Linney luminous—Ms. Weisz channels the Bride of Frankenstein with her upswept hairdo, beyond-the-grave eye makeup, and random flap of mummy fabric sprouting from her cleavage.

8:18pm
Jessica Alba comes out with Luke Wilson, who looks like he needs to make the switch to husky-size jeans. Thanks to an audience shot we learn that Barbara Hershey has decisively usurped the Botox World Championship from Kylie Minogue, its previous holder.

globes06d
“Sure, my boobs may be sagging. But my face? TIGHT AS A DRUM, BITCHES!!”

Best Supporting Actor in a Series/Miniseries/TV Movie goes to Empire Falls‘ Paul Newman, who wisely chose to skip this event altogether.

8:20pm
Teri Hatcher and Brandon Routh step onstage, only to be overshadowed by a quick cut to Camryn Manheim‘s nearly 14 hectares of glitter-covered buxomness. Best Supporting Actress in a Series/Miniseries/TV Movie goes to Sandra Oh for Grey’s Anatomy. Excellent! Only she can’t find her way to the stage. It’s probably because the liquor’s been flowing for all of twenty minutes and she’s already sporting the notorious Asian flush. Excited and effusive, she forgets nearly everyone’s name except for one special mention—”My rock, Margo.” Ah, if only I had a rock named Margo. Then I could go places.

8:27pm
Not a half hour in and we already have worst dress of the evening—Drew Barrymore. The best way to approximate this look would be to give Peter Pan double-D breasts, no bra, and a strong, cold headwind. Drew, my dear, you can see those pointer sisters from two miles away.

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“I do so love flying, Wendy, even if it gets a bit nippy”

8:29pm
Poor Emmy Rossum is saddled with the most boring and pointless task of the night: explaining and justifying the existence of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. She fails, as have all others before her.

8:31pm
Jesse L. Martin and Nicolette Sheridan come onstage. Is it just me or is this woman SCARY AS SHIT. Anyway, they present Commander in Chief‘s Geena Davis with Best Actress in a Drama Series With Special Recognition for Beauty Marks and Milky Décolletage. She gets a good laugh by telling a lengthy and ultimately false story about a little girl who was inspired by her portrayal of a female president. Ms. Davis chuckles as she notes that she had the child shipped off to Guantánamo.

8:43pm
Ah, Melanie Griffith, what to say, what to say. As the years pass, she looks more and more like Tammy Faye Bakker. She giggles nervously and introduces tonight’s “Miss Golden Globe”—her daughter Dakota Johnson, who looks either thoroughly drugged or utterly bored. She reminds me of a mini Leelee Sobieski, only with a half-ounce of charisma instead of zero.

8:46pm
Queen Latifah and Matt Dillon come out to present. Each of her breasts is bigger than his head.

8:50pm
William Petersen and Pamela Anderson, who looks to be wearing a trash bag, present Best Actor in a Comedy Series to Steve Carell of The Office. He presents a mildly amusing speech ostensibly written by his wife, Nancy Walls.

globes06f
Isn’t hepatitis supposed to kill you? Last time I let you get my hopes up, CDC!

8:58pm
Tim Robbins‘s hair and posture make him look like a giant 6’5″ toddler. Susan Sarandon, please take action now.

8:59pm
It’s Ray Charles, I mean, Jamie Foxx. Golly, he still gets me every time! He pontificates extensively before presenting Best Actress in a Motion Picture Musical/Comedy to Reese Witherspoon for Walk the Line. She WILL NOT SHUT UP about her husband—it gets to be like that “have you seen my fiancé” scene from Seinfeld. Fortunately, a pack of yippy little dogs tears Ms. Witherspoon apart before she can go on for too long.

9:02pm
Chris Rock reminds everyone that it’s MLK Day but that you only have to be nice to black people for two more hours. Aww, don’t tease Trent Lott, it’s still three hours til midnight here on the east coast, and for him every minute of this is like a lifetime. Mr. Rock presents Best Actress in a Comedy Series to Mary-Louise Parker of Weeds, who beats all four nominees from Desperate Housewives. Though missing her famously childbirth-enhanced boobs from last year, she remains very cute. She also expresses a desire to make out with her female cast members, which causes Marcia Cross‘s animatronic ears to perk up ever so slightly.

9:07pm
Unlikely as it may sound, best podium appearance of the night goes to Emma Thompson, who is clearly shitfaced. Though ostensibly onstage to introduce Pride and Prejudice, she just makes a bunch of sweeping gestures and nonsensical statements before tossing off the best line of the evening—”It’s lovely to be here, and at least it’s, you know, no effort.” Exactly.

9:12pm
Presenters Eric Bana and Kate Beckinsale are the most attractive couple so far, in sharp contrast to the audience shot of Ron Howard, who each year looks more and more like a child molester.

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“Hey kids! There’s a pony in my pants!”

Jonathan Rhys-Myers wins Best Actor in a Miniseries for Elvis, but the bizarre clash of his thick Irish accent with the fact that he played ELVIS seems to baffle the audience. Next, the award for Best Actress in a Miniseries goes to S. Epatha Merkerson for Lackawanna Blues. Aww, we love her. She gives a funny, moving speech that includes gratitude about getting her first film lead at age 53, self-deprecating menopause jokes, and even a sassy “Y’all stop” to the pit orchestra. Well played, well played.

9:27pm
Virginia Madsen comes out with Harrison Ford, who’s utterly humorless as usual. Nice earring! NKOTB hangin TOUGH! They present Best Screenplay to the writers of Brokeback Mountain. Jake Gyllenhaal leans a little closer toward Heath Ledger for some celebratory frottage.

9:35pm
It’s Josh Duhamel and Jill Hennessy! His voice is deep; hers, deeper. Surprisingly, Desperate Housewives wins Best Comedy Series. Must be all that great writing!

globes06i
Living in France seems fun til they make you glue your pubes to your face

9:39pm
Taking the pelo enorme prize for the evening is Penélope Cruz, whose hair helmet rivals even New York news anchor Liz Cho‘s. The producers make sure to give Ms. Cruz a lot of H-words to say, which come out like A-Bob A-Hoskins and Mrs. A-Henderson Presents. A-whatsa-happenin, a-hotstuff? J-Unit, who loves girls who can’t speak English, melts.

9:42pm
Now it’s Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew McConaughey of the new movie Failure to Launch, which has to be the worst title since The Taking of Flight 847: The Uli Derickson Story. They present Best Foreign Film to Palestine’s Paradise Now.

9:46pm
It’s not a heavily sedated Kathleen Turner, it’s just Catherine Deneuve. Remain calm.

9:47pm
Julian McMahon and Rosario Dawson come out to present Best Original Score. Boringly, it goes to John Williams for Memoirs of a Geisha. Mercifully, he himself is bored by the number of awards he’s won by now, so he remains brief.

9:49pm
Mariah Carey emerges, indeed looking quite calorically emancipated. Best Song goes to the one from Brokeback Mountain, which shockingly is an Emmylou Harris number, not the Madonna-Cher-George Michael collaboration one might’ve expected.

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“You’ve got me feeling emotions… and eating chocolate éclairs”

9:56pm
Gwyneth Paltrow‘s appearance ushers in the pale, horribly dressed portion of the evening. Really, what is she doing with that dress. It’s like the St. Pauli Girl gone all schmutzig. She’s there to present tonight’s lifetime achievement award recipient, Anthony Hopkins, whose name we’ve all apparently been mispronouncing this whole time, since she keeps saying “Antony.” And Gwyneth would know, mind you.

10:13pm
A cowlick-afflicted Clint Eastwood presents Best Director to Ang Lee for, as Mr. Eastwood says it, Brokeback M-m-mm-mmountain. Aww, Ang Lee is the cutest awkward Asian guy ever—he’s like a high-class Rupert Jee. Though seemingly a bit nervous he gives a nice speech.

10:17pm
John Travolta greets everyone with a hearty “Good evening, and good luck.” Sssssooo close. He gives special recognition to all the men in the acting categories tonight, then offers them keys to his steam room for a “private function” after the show. He presents Best Actor in a Motion Picture Musical/Comedy to Walk the Line‘s Joaquin Phoenix, who looks like he’d rather have his fingernails pulled one by one, Syriana-style, than actually go up to the podium. He does, however, remember to thank Johnny Cash and June Carter, unlike that ungrateful wench Reese Witherspoon. Since Mr. Travolta appears pretty eager to take Mr. Phoenix backstage, the producers wisely cut to a quick commercial.

globes06o
Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice

10:25pm
In the token nod to the red states—newsflash to NBC, those people tuned out hours ago—the next presenter is Tim McGraw. Chris Rock looks baffled. Mr. McGraw mumbles most of his speech out of the side of his mouth, perhaps angling for the role of Heath Ledger’s long-lost brother in Brokeback Mountain 2: All in the Family.

10:26pm
Renée Zellweger looks miserable but at least relatively well-dressed. Best Motion Picture Musical/Comedy goes to Walk the Line.

10:35pm
The Will & Grace cast comes onstage for their last, final, ultimate, one-night-only, get-your-tickets-now appearance at the Golden Globes. Thank god they’re finally putting that show out of its misery. Incidentally, Lost wins Best Drama Series.

10:40pm
Dennis Quaid introduces the clip from Brokeback Mountain. Actually it was Randy Quaid who was in Brokeback Mountain, but why split hairs. In any case, Scarlett Johansson is ELATED, I mean you’ve never seen anything like this, to see Mr. Quaid onstage.

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“Why is nobody else laughing? I love dick flicks.”

Mr. Quaid then provides a stunningly insightful synopsis of Brokeback Mountain—”Let’s just say it rhymes with chick flick.”

[cricket]

[cricket]

If you can’t get a single laugh out of an AUDITORIUM FULL OF DRUNKS, you’re not a comedian, so sit down.

10:41pm
Best Actress in a Motion Picture Drama goes to Felicity Huffman for Transamerica. She’s as flattered and gracious as one can be when one wins a Best Actress award for playing a man playing a woman.

10:48pm
In a sly segue, Hilary Swank emerges to present Best Actor in a Motion Picture Drama. The winner is Capote‘s Philip Seymour Hoffman, whose wardrobe and hair by Derelicte belie his tidy and professional acceptance speech.

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Now I see what Jack saw in Ennis

10:55pm
Right on schedule, Denzel Washington presents the final award of the evening, Best Motion Picture Drama, to Brokeback Mountain. Ah, one can only imagine what Elizabeth Taylor would’ve done with a moment like this. “It’s a movie about COOOWWWWWWWBOYS!!!! But did you know they’re GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY?!??!???! GLAAAAAAAAAAAAAADIATOR!!!!!!”

About

32 Comments

  1. 1
    tom
    Posted January 18, 2006 at 9:52 pm

    M_ruv! You are awesome! This is by far the funniest recap I’ve read, and I’ve read at least 6! Major props to you for the most irreverent pop culture references. Beetlejuice is awesome. Pamela’s dress looked like an opposom attacked her. Keep up the hilarious, good work!

    I have one HUGE request — can you PLEASE recap Grey’s Anatomy as soon as possible? I missed the show. By the way, did Sandra Oh thank her parents in her speech? I missed that, too. Thanks!

  2. 2
    Marty
    Posted January 18, 2006 at 10:07 pm

    What an embarrassing omission for Ang Lee. He remembered to thank his wife, but completely snubbed his longtime fishing buddy, Wei-Tung.

    And I think Drew Barrymore must be regretting that she agreed to let the Project Runway contestants design her gown. Everything would have been fine had they not been forced to create a dress made entirely from material found on the Christmas clearance rack at Target.

  3. 3
    derder
    Posted January 18, 2006 at 10:42 pm

    So glad you guys got around to recaping the globes. I was hoping that you would. I have two questions: Drew’s Dress- My God- Why? I don’t get it- it made her look like a senior citizen. The Boobs- My God, the Boobs!
    And why is Gwenyth now speaking with an Irish accent? I had heard that she was speaking with an English accent (although I had never heard it myself), but this? It didn’t make any sense. She doesn’t even live in Ireland… Why? Why?? Why??? Who is she trying to fool- pretentious bloody twit.

  4. 4
    J
    Posted January 18, 2006 at 10:42 pm

    I think my favorite moment of the evening was when a bored George Clooney tried to hold a shot glass with his eyesocket. That pretty much summed up the show.

  5. 5
    B-Side
    Posted January 19, 2006 at 12:14 am

    This was hilarious. I loved how wasted Johnathan Rhy Myers was. And could Adrian Brody stop trying to be subversive with his constant barrage of ascots? You’re gangly and annoying.

    I also enjoyed every cutaway to the bored Gwyneth Paltrow and the oft-complaining Jessica Alba.

  6. 6
    Brian
    Posted January 19, 2006 at 5:00 am

    As a HUGE Elizabeth Taylor fan,your last comment had me laughing so hard I think I wet myself a little.The visualisation is just that funny.
    Any chance of the audio of Sandra Oh at the beginning of her speach where she was stammering for like 5 min?That was the best moment of the show for me.

  7. 7
    TinkerbellAPixie
    Posted January 19, 2006 at 5:13 am

    I suspect Gwyneth borrowed that dress from one of her Jane Austin movies – it had that whole Empire waist thing going on. Very strange choice.

    “Best Supporting Actress in a Series/Miniseries/TV Movie goes to Sandra Oh for Grey’s Anatomy.” Is that a vague enough category? Gosh, they have some strange choices on this show.

    And I was watching it with a friend and we both turned to each other when Phoenix’s name was called out and were placing bets on whether or not he was going to hurl. He definitely had that look of someone about to blow.

  8. 8
    m_ruv
    Posted January 19, 2006 at 5:58 am

    Tom – thanks. Actually the Grey’s Anatomy recap went up yesterday – here’s the link:

    http://www.tvgasm.com/archives/greys_anatomy/001596.php

  9. 9
    hardly@work
    Posted January 19, 2006 at 6:36 am

    i’m embarrassed to say I watched the entire preshow and awards… i thought it was great that harrison ford brought his drink with him onsatge then procedded to screw up every name he pronounced, what a lush

    you could tell it pained clint eastwood to announce a gay cowboy movie, like it went against everything manly he stands for

  10. 10
    stacyrocks
    Posted January 19, 2006 at 8:56 am

    I didn’t watch the awards show but this was just too funny. That picture of Ron Howard, HA! He definitely looked like one of those child sex offenders on Oprah’s list in that shot.

  11. 11
    tom
    Posted January 19, 2006 at 10:29 am

    M_ruv! Thank you! I’d been harassing B-Side about it, so thank you to both of you.

  12. 12
    james_woods_rules
    Posted January 19, 2006 at 10:30 am

    Gwenyth is Madonna’s mini me.

    She did have a fake ass accent when she gave some interviews, then mentioned that her daughter doesn’t watch TV. This is exactly what Madonna does.

    I hate her. She sucks. They both do. And their little dogs, too.

  13. 13
    djo8901
    Posted January 19, 2006 at 12:34 pm

    Seriously Gwyneth Paltrow is on my last nerve. I understand that she’s a famous actress, seen the world, blah, blah, blah. But when it all comes down to it, she is a snot nosed kid from NYC — why does she act like she has no comprehension of what the regular folk do?!? When Isaac Mizrahi interviewed her before the show he asked her which fast food was better — US or UK and she was like Oh I wouldn’t know. Like god forbid a Whopper passed her lips — as if that would be the most disgusting thing in the world. She isn’t like us savages who will voluntarily ingest a Filet O’Fish. Hate her.

  14. 14
    noballs
    Posted January 19, 2006 at 1:00 pm

    OMG Thank you so much you made my crappy day so much better.

    The pubes glued to his face is the icing on the cake!!!

  15. 15
    Lizardqueen
    Posted January 19, 2006 at 1:45 pm

    I happen to like big unharnessed knockers. It’s a boob free for all. But why the Robin Hood outfit, Drew?
    Pam Anderson’s dress was so incredibly hideous. I was hoping it would just strangle her already. Mariah Carey’s dress was fine by me. I thought it made good use of all her lumps.
    Also, does Johnny Depp’s girlfriend have really bad teeth? They look like little green stumps. I thought it was the Brits with rotten teeth not the French.

  16. 16
    Lizardqueen
    Posted January 19, 2006 at 1:47 pm

    Amen to djo8901 and everyone else who’d like to smack the shit outta that snot rag Gwyneth.

  17. 17
    lurkertype
    Posted January 19, 2006 at 2:11 pm

    m_ruv, thank you! This recap was so much better than the awards. I only watched the first hour, but that was enough. I’ve no idea what Drew was announcing as all I could think of was “Whoa. Nips.” It’s too bad some of that celebrity boobage didn’t swing around and cause serious head trauma to Gwinnie-pig.

    5 years from now, Adrian Brody will be entirely nose, like that old Afrin ad.

    Botox or no, Hershey gets to bang Sayid regularly, so I give her props for that. And if the increasingly hideous Melanie Griffith was your mom, wouldn’t you be drunk too? Does Antonio look at her and think “hmmm, it worked for Woody and Soon-Li…”

  18. 18
    biancaneve
    Posted January 19, 2006 at 2:56 pm

    Very funny, m_ruv, and very true. The red carpet show was horrible – I can’t believe Isaac Mizrahi was asking the women what underwear they had on. He even asked Eva Longoria how she had groomed her “body hair”. Ugh! And I loved the big to-do yesterday when it was discovered that Kirsten Dunst wore the same vintage Chanel dress that Reese Witherspoon wore three years earlier. Somebody really needs to get to the bottom of that catastrophic embarrassment. Why do stars think they deserve so many awards and why do they think the rest of us care?

  19. 19
    jash
    Posted January 19, 2006 at 3:17 pm

    gwyneth sucks.

    have a whopper, it wont kill you. besides, you can be DAMN SURE blythe danner has had a filet-o-fish in her lifetime.

  20. 20
    paperboy
    Posted January 19, 2006 at 9:19 pm

    I think this was the first Golden GLobes I have ever watched. Is it my imagination or is this “award” show just an effort to boost box office sales. I mean every movie nominated is still in the theaters. What happened to all of the movies from January and February last year. And as far as Brokeback Mountain goes, that movie would not get a second look if it was a hetero couple. It is nothing more than a B movie crappy love story that has gay guys in it. “Oooh! cutting edge” “Riveting” “Daring” Give me a break Turn on Encore “Love” (or whatever that channel is) and you can watch that crap all day long

  21. 21
    Leah3t
    Posted January 20, 2006 at 4:18 am

    “If you can’t get a single laugh out of an AUDITORIUM FULL OF DRUNKS, you’re not a comedian, so sit down.”

    HA!

    I have never been a big award show fan, but you have made me one. I watch only are a prereq for the tvgasm recap.

  22. 22
    AbbyAnn
    Posted January 20, 2006 at 8:19 am

    I keep hearing about all of these awards, not just the Globes and Oscars but the Actors’ Guild, Directors’ Guild, Critics from every major city, etc. awards. What other industry spends that much time and effort congratulating itself? The rest of the industries in the world may spend one night a year with an employee banquet, and there may be bonuses given out at the end of the year or a plaque for employee of the month. But actors can get dozens of awards at expensive, lavish parties with thousands of dollars of gifts for coming. Does Reese Witherspoon really need to win 25 awards in one month to do her job? But I guess it’s partly our fault, because when they put it on tv, we watch and comment and rate the dresses!

  23. 23
    copygodd
    Posted January 20, 2006 at 8:51 am

    glad to see i’m not the only one who swoons over laura linney.

    also, did anyone else hear about isaac mizrahi feeling up scarlett johansonn? if not, see the grope here.

  24. 24
    Laurie
    Posted January 20, 2006 at 9:07 am

    I’m one of those rare people that didn’t mind Gwennie’s dress, but yea-her accent is totally bizarre. Pregnancy seems to argee with her though, I thought she looked very healthy (as opposed to her usual stick thin self)

    Personally, I thought House’s…ahem Hugh Laurie’s acceptance speech was the best one. Of course, my husband says that Hugh Laurie could have done a intreptive dance winning and I would still have thought it rocked.

  25. 25
    AbbyAnn
    Posted January 20, 2006 at 9:21 am

    Laurie, I agree with you about Hugh Laurie’s speech being really good, along with Steve Carell’s. They added some humor without mocking anyone or being too cheesy but were also gracious and appeared at ease. Hugh Laurie has quite a comedy background, so an interpretive dance could’ve been quite amusing.

  26. 26
    anonym.
    Posted January 20, 2006 at 1:33 pm

    hilarious!
    the beetle juice comment was amazing..

    rn howard does fit the part of a “uncle ron,” if you know what i’m sayin’ (see:child touching)..he was an adorable child star*cough jackson*, who grew up to become a respected director *cough polanski*..yep, pretty much hit the nail on the head with that one.
    i kid, of course..he’s an angel–he’s a red head for god’s sake

  27. 27
    anonym.
    Posted January 20, 2006 at 1:35 pm

    ^ron*

  28. 28
    Lizardqueen
    Posted January 20, 2006 at 2:55 pm

    copygodd,
    LOVED the Isaac feeling up Scarlett and it looked like she did too. He is crazy as a loon but sure fun at parties. She looked fabulous in all her vampy glory. I revel with delight that a friend said I looked like her. But only in “Girl With A Pearl Earring.” Now don’t all rain on my parade and tell me she looked like rancid horse meat in that movie,ok? I purposely haven’t seen it so I can deceive myself.

  29. 29
    derder
    Posted January 20, 2006 at 3:43 pm

    LQ-
    People tell me I look like the Olsen Twins. Except I am 40-
    and pushing 140-

  30. 30
    derder
    Posted January 20, 2006 at 4:30 pm

    And on my wedding day my neice told me I looked like Princess Fiona (God help me).

  31. 31
    SmallTownGirl
    Posted January 23, 2006 at 6:57 am

    “Living in France seems fun til they make you glue your pubes to your face”

    LMAO I busted out laughing when I read that. I can’t stand Johny Depp. When did actors opinions on politics become important? It’s ridicolous.

  32. 32
    Victoria
    Posted January 26, 2006 at 11:01 pm

    I don’t get why everyone thinks Scarlett Johanssen is so great, and she keeps getting nominated for awards. In everything I’ve ever seen her in, her performances are so blah and one-note. Gwyneth Paltrow is just ridiculous.

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