A new year is about to be upon us, so it’s time to gather the gasm recappers and reflect on the past. We could focus on the positive, but what fun would that be? Enjoy, and feel free to add your best and worst in the comments. Thanks for being here, gasmii. Here’s to a 2011 filled with reality morons to keep our fires burning! xo
Biggest A-hole of the Year
LadyStardust: Um…kinda gotta give this one to Mel Gibson. For obvious reasons.
TheMiki: Biggest A-hole: Twilight. Can books be a-holes? I don’t even care. That book is an a-hole.
SwellMel: This one is hard, but I’d have to say Spencer Pratt. Just when you think you’re Speidi-free, the flesh-colored pube-bearded villain returns to tweet some random shit like Cherokee Hair Tampons or Heidi’s newest song.
SexyPanda: I’m trying to think of whom I usually said, “I really hate him, honey!” to my boyfriend about the most. I think Shane from Walking Dead comes to mind first, so he wins. Yay, Shane!
Dangerously: Tom Brady’s Hair. TBH has gotten more pub than the rest of the NFL combined, most notably when it was entered into a cage-match with Randy Moss’s Beard. TBH v RMB was bigger than Tyson-Holyfield, Sox-Yankees, and Anniston-Jolie combined. Plus, Justin Bieber came out and publicly trashed the hairdo (seen here http://www.startribune.com/sports/blogs/104979389.html) and even included it in a rap (video included in the article). Hair from Tom Brady’s head could cure cancer…too bad he never gets it cut. To top it all off, the asshole has to remind the rest of the world that he’s married to/sleeping with Gisele Bundchen by telling everyone that she “won’t let him cut it.” Way to go, Tom. Your wife makes a very pretty speed bump for that bus you just threw her under…
Runners-up: LeBron James. What kind of douchebag pulls that kind of PR stunt…a countdown to “The Decision”? Please…everyone in the country outside of Miami is secretly hoping he breaks his legs. And fuck you, ESPN, for being a part of that mess.
Randy Moss: First, the RMB vs TBH fiasco (see above), and then of course the whole “demanding a trade from the Pats only to show up and start causing problems with the Vikings right away and getting kicked off the team to fade into obscurity in a Titans uniform.
Glenn Beck: Just because of everything. The guy celebrates “freedom” by insulting…no, “insulting” isn’t the right word…condemning everything that doesn’t fit in his narrow-minded idea of acceptable.
monamonzano: That dude who died texting. You know, Heidi Montag’s Dr. Frankenstein? He deserved it he deserved it he deserved it. There. Rant over.
L-Money: Chelsea from America’s Next Top Model. She came so close to toppling the awesome Ann, and was a bitch the whole time. Even when she lost she was arrogant and obnoxious. HATE
J-Mo: If I’m thinking light-hearted a-holery, I’d have to say Speidi is the biggest one of this year (I count the two of them as a single a-hole since neither has enough time to be one all on their own, what with the fake weddings, fake divorces, fake TV shows, fake music careers, fake money and all-around-fake-fabulousness).
If I’m being serious, I have to say Clint McCance, who is the homophobic shitdick that posted on FaceBook during Spirit Day to say how stupid it was to wear purple to remember gay teens committing suicide (“The only way im wearin it for them is if they all commit suicide”) and went on to say awesome things like “I like that fags cant procreate. I also enjoy the fact that they often give each other aids and die.” Thank God for George Takei, who took to YouTube and called this guy a douchebag (almost a million people have watched it… you go, girl!)
HoneyGangsta: Jill Zarin
Alejandra: Sarah Palin. I don’t know why she keeps trying to prove to people that she’s a lumberjack. If my future political leaders are going to have qualities that are totally irrelevant to public service, I’d prefer they be of a sexual nature.
Flipit: For me, it’s a tie! Gretchen from Project Runway/Camille from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
Gretchen: I gave her the nickname Wretchen right off the bat, even though she was an early favorite. It took her a few episodes to blossom into the a-hole that she eventually became, but when she did, it made me extremely proud of my psychic powers.
Camille: She married Frasier and that’s her biggest achievement in life. She has big giant fake boobs that she wields as a weapon. Her only other weapon is her husband’s money. Never in my life have I rooted for a man to cheat on his wife and get the hell out of there, until this show. I have had to press pause numerous times and take a walk because she’s made me so insanely mad. And now I’m thinner. So…thanks?
WaffleBoy: Oh, Camile from RHBH in an a-hole walk. I was telling my sister that show is like a 12 part infomercial from Kelsey Grammer as to why in some rare cases it’s perfectly acceptable to impregnate a flight attendant.
PottyMouth: This is a tough one; we see so many assholes throughout the year. I think I’ll have to go with a more recent addition to the list. Camille. Let’s face it, she pretty much outassholes everyone but Allison Dubois, and the only reason Ali didn’t end up my pick is because I’m not forced to watch her delusion every week. So, Shlemiel it is.
NinjaStarr: The biggest a hole of the year is probably The Situation. I’ll never understand how someone with such a lumpy, leathery face gets so many women… even if they are “grenades.” Sometimes, personality can make a person appear to be really attractive — this is not one of those times. Women: we should make it a New Year’s resolution to not hook up with The Situation. I’m sure most of us will have the opportunity at some point. Resist the urge to look directly at the abs and move on to that kid who claims he got the pink eye from some woman’s hoo-ha.
Cherie: Jesse James
Bluzgirl: The biggest A-hole of the year is Jesse James. No, no, no…not the philandering jackass who busted my girl’s Sandra’s heart. I mean the bank robber. I’m STILL pissed about that.
And the winner is….Camille! Congrats, Asshole!
Your prize is a lifetime of IBS! YAY!
Best Show of the Year
PottyMouth: Lost. Because it’s the last year I’ll be able to say that, and because, regardless of how you feel about the finale this show was something unlike anything else on TV. Love you, miss you, mean it.
Alejandra: Bethenny Getting Married. I want to find a way to marry into that family, even if it means waiting 18 years till their kid and gay marriage are legal.
Bluzgirl: Best show is “The Walking Dead”. “Boardwalk Empire” might be better, but I can’t afford HBO to watch it. Taco Bell and Bud Light aren’t going to pay for themselves.
Cherie: Bad Girls Club-because I recapped it.
Dangerously: For me, the best show of the year has held that distinction 4 years running. Chuck, hands down. It’s by far the greatest show that no one watches, and it saddens me that it teeters on the brink of cancelation every year. I mean, yeah, it’s totally a nerd show, but never has there been a show that plays off itself so well, constantly making fun of its own absurdity by going further overboard. I will forever love it because of the epic fight scene between Nicole Ritchie and Yvonne Strahovski (seen here, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LwgilMfj3wg). It’s the show that never really feels cliché because it never takes itself seriously, yet you really grow to love the entire cast Plus, Jeffster! may be the greatest act ever. Lastly, I can’t remember a show that’s had a better line of guest stars (Timothy Dalton, Linda Hamilton, Brandon Routh, Scott Bakula, Mark Sheppard, Tricia Helfer, Summer Glau, Olivia Munn…to name a few). I’d totally love to be able to recap that show, but I’d just end up writing exactly what happened and have nothing to make fun of, because they’d have already made fun of everything…
Flipit: Breaking Bad, Mad Men, True Blood and Dexter all had pretty great years, but the only show I MUST watch every week is (bows head and puts tail between legs) Medium. Hokey? Yes. Badly acted? Mostly. I can’t help it. It’s one of the most creative shows on the air, and I loves me some Patricia Arquette. So stone me. It’s cancelled now, so it will never show up on one of my lists again. HAPPY?!?!
HoneyGangsta: Mad Men because it’s a show that I love to watch, but don’t even really get until I’ve read twelve articles about each episode. I get to live it and relive it.
WaffleBoy: For me the best show was Justified, but I’m a huge Elmore Leonard fan. Also, you can never go wrong putting Timothy Olyphant in a cowboy hat. Any member of The View on the other hand? Eh, let’s just not go there.
NinjaStarr: The best show of the year would have to be 30 Rock. It’s absurd, hilarious, brilliant. Tina Fey and Liz Lemon are my heroes. Jack Donaghy is a sexy beast. I want Grizz and Dot Com for an entourage of my very own. I find the rest of the cast terrifying and fascinating. Like those friends you have who you know are disgusting, lying, backstabbers, but they’re so much fun to party with you can’t get rid of them.
J-Mo: My best show this year remains hands down “Raising Hope” (which follows my other favorite, “Glee”) partially because I’m a huge Cloris Leachman fan, and partially because I FUCKING LOVE MARTHA PLIMPTON. Please, people, watch it, watch it, watch it, and maybe someday we’ll all be free of shit like “Two And A Half Men”. P.S. Honorable Mention goes to “RuPaul’s Drag Race”!
L-Money: Bones. High emotion, drama, laughs, and cool science with a great ensemble cast makes for an infinitely enjoyable watching experience.
LadyStardust: I’m going to have to say Lost because it was the only show that I would actual watch live instead of sitting on my Tivo for a few days. I was (and still am) pretty pissed at the ending, but overall it was an amazing show. Runners up would be Party Down, a little Showtime original that was way overlooked, and Big Love on HBO. Oh and House. Love that show. Sorry, I suck at picking favorites.
monamonzano: Bad Girl’s Club, Miami. Why? Because I’m a terrible human being and I love watching like-minded people.
schoonie: While I think Breaking Bad is probably the BEST show of the year, I talked about that last year, when it was also the best show of the year. Thus, I feel the need to show love to the second best show of the year: Terriers. I know no one else watched it, but: mother of god, did it rule. The outstanding performances from Donal Logue (from Grounded for Life and a bunch of other stuff) and Michael Raymond James (the Cajun Killer from the first season of True Blood) as buddy private investigators with no money, no future, and no options anchored the whole thing, but it was the gripping story and killer finale that really clinched it. Yeah, it’s already been canceled, but so what? So did Family Guy. It’s still a totally rad show that deserves to be seen. So when it comes out on DVD, buy it, watch it, and then buy another copy. Do it for Hank and Britt!
SexyPanda: Tie between Breaking Bad, Mad Men, and Parks and Rec!
SwellMel: “Lost” and mainly for one reason: Ack’s recaps. Every week my co-workers and I would anxiously await genius Ack’s recaps. Then we would howl with laughter, making our other co-workers think we were drinking on the job or maybe insane. How we loved “Jack’s jears,” “Evil Mocke”, and Lock’s “Don’t tell me what I can’t do.”
TheMiki: Dexter, closely followed by House. Walking Dead was pretty amazing too though.
And the winner is….Lost! Congrats, buddy!
Your prize is knowing that you barely beat Bad Girls Club.
Worst Show of the Year
TheMiki: Jersey Couture. I still haven’t forgiven Flipit for assigning that crapfest to me. It’s like taking Jersey Shore, removing every element that could possibly make it interesting, watchable, or amusing, and then adding obnoxious song/cheers. That show hurt my soul.
SwellMel: ABC’s “The Middle”. It is clearly the poor man’s “Malcolm in the Middle” with bitchface soccer mom Patricia Heaton. Heaton is forever ingrained in my brain as that annoying nag from “Everybody Loves Raymond” who went on to get a face-lift and tried to make ordering food from Acme online seem glamorous. Who does she think she is? Regis and Kelly? Nobody sells products and services like the Reg and his side toothpick Kelly Ripa.
SexyPanda: Bridalplasty. My friend is one of the editors, and I really wanted to try to watch it, for him, but I JUST CAN’T!!!
Schoonie: Do I even need to tell you that Mike and Molly is completely awful? Every time I hear that it gets more viewers than Community (the best comedy on TV this year), I shed a single tear like one of those crying Indians. I truly, honestly do not understand why someone went, “Hey, guy who makes Two and A Half Men! Do you know any fat jokes?” and then let him just throw that lazy shit at the wall for a half an hour every week.
monamonzano: Bad Girl’s Club, Miami. Why? Because I’m a terrible human being and I love watching like-minded people. And that’s bad…right?
LadyStardust: $#*! My Dad Says. Now I haven’t actually SEEN this show, but I’ve seen a couple commercials for it and it looks painfully bad. I LOVE the twitter feed it was based off of too. It just seems like William Shatner was horribly miscast.
WaffleBoy: I didn’t watch Entourage this year, so I don’t have one for this category.
L-Money: Sarah Palin’s Alaska, if only for the sheer fact that it means I have to hear about Palin and think about her possibly being president more than normal. And normal is way more than enough.
NinjaStarr: The worst show of the year was Real Housewives of DC. I made myself watch the entire season because I live in DC — just like one of the DC wives — and every minute of every episode made me cringe. I’ve never been so embarrassed for someone else before. I was even embarrassed for the people who showed up on the periphery of that schlock. I felt bad for the people on the street caught walking by during the b-roll. Everyone involved with the making of that hot mess should be put on a boat captained by the Salahis and sent out to sea.
J-Mo: I know I’m going to earn a bunch of hatred for this, but I gotta be honest and say “American Idol”. Ever since the days of Sanjaya (my Papaya!) when it became crystal clear that the producers were monkeying with voting results (or ignoring them completely) this show has devolved into a contest to see Who Has The Most Heart-Wrenching Sob Story, not who can sing the best. They’ve become cruel when it comes to making fun of mentally ill people, fat people, and gay people and since I am all of those things I just feel like it’s time the show pull the plug on all the bullshit. Who exactly is going to take criticism about SINGING from Jennifer Lopez? Then again, why did anybody take it from Paula Abdul? Hmmmm.
HoneyGangsta: Jessica Simpson’s The Price of Beauty because it was just an international spa tour, which, who cares?
Flipit: American Idol. What a piece of SHIT this show has turned out to be. It’s infuriating, cuz it’s usually one of my faves. Skara lapdancing Simon every week, Randy’s new obsession with Mister Rogers sweaters, Ellen looking like a deer trapped in the headlights. When your winner can’t even hold a single note on key, you know you’re in trouble. As we all know by now, the show’s been revamped. Hopefully it will get so terrible that it will become fun to watch again.
Dangerously: The Decision, starring LeBron James. Ok, seriously…what about The Gates? That probably should qualify as the worst show ever. Firstly, I am SICK of stupid vampire TV shows, movies, and books aimed towards 16 year old girls. Seriously, the vampires of today make Anne Rice vampires look scary as hell. Thank goodness there’s not a good way to turn Zombies sexy, or all the monsters of my childhood would be the fantasies of every little girl everywhere. We’ll always have Zombies…
Cherie: Hot In Cleveland-Not Enough Betty White
Bluzgirl: Probably “The Event” and I watched every single, stupid minute of it.
Alejandra: Bridalplasty. I’m probably Concerned Citizen Number 214 to raise this point, but seriously? It makes me feel like I’m full of worms to watch a show and HOPE the marriages are fake.
PottyMouth: My first reaction to this question was Skating with the Stars. But then I thought about it. Surely I’m saying that because I’m still in the middle of recapping it. There absolutely has to be a show I’ve hated more this year, right? Lemme think……..Nope. It’s Skating with the Stars. And if you have to ask why, congratulations. That means you haven’t seen it.
And the Winner is…..a tie! Bridalplasty and American Idol! Congrats!
New Year’s Resolutions for The Stars
Bluzgirl: I’d like Oprah’s resolution to be to lose weight and Jillian kick the shit out of her on her own show to do it. And then Chris Harrison would come in with a fantasy suite card for the two of them and they’d have to compete in a reward challenge to use it. After that, they’d have to do a 15 minute mise en place using things out of a vending machine and then Oprah would balloon back up and Jill won’t want to use the fantasy suite for her, so she’ll give it to me and I’d finally start returning Clooney’s calls.
PottyMouth: I’d love to see the networks resolve to stop trying to rip off each other’s shows. Just because something works on one channel, doesn’t mean YOUR version of it will work just as well. Also? eight thousand versions of the same show is tedious. When someone brings you the idea for CSI: Bumfuck Idaho please don’t greenlight it. k?thxbye.
Alejandra: Bravo needs more Real Housewives franchises, OBVIOUSLY – Real Housewives of Minnesooooota!! Imagine the wintry brawls! The icy bitch slaps! The ski/sledding vacations gone horribly, predictably awry! The tables full of baked goods hurled in every direction! The possibilities are endless…
Cherie: For the networks: Make something worth watching!
WaffleBoy: I would love to see somebody at CBS commit to make a show about scientists who solve crimes, or guys who work for the navy and solve crimes, or just a show where a guy solves crimes by noticing things nobody else does. You know what? I think the programming guys at CBS can take next year off.
Dangerously: I want to see NBC resolve to not list Chuck as one of the shows that may or may not be back next season. I want them to just renew it.
Flipit: I would like to see Andy Bobblehead Cohen stop putting himself on the Bravo after shows and replace himself with someone who doesn’t make me want to throw rocks at my TV.
NinjaStarr: I hope that, for 2011, Andy Cohen resolves to ask for a bigger budget for Watch What Happens Live. I think that show can be pretty hilarious, but it looks like it was shot in the basement of the community access television station in Plano. Surely Bravo can afford a couple more hi-def cameras, some new microphones, and a director who gives accurate cues.
HoneyGangsta: I would like to see TLC resolve to continue Sister Wives and extend it to include more polygamous families until it’s a franchise like Real Housewives.
J-Mo: I would like for MTV to stop glamorizing Teen Pregnancy by calling their show “16 And Pregnant”. They should be way more honest and call it “I’m Fucking Up My Life” (and instead of “Teen Mom” it should be called “Fucking Up My Baby’s Life”). I never thought I would say this, but watching all these sad trashy kids start on their long downward spiral is making me long for the days of “My Super Sweet 16″.
L-Money: I’d like to see Michelle Duggar and Kate Gosselin get their tubes tied.
LadyStardust: I want the Situation from Jersey Shore to wear a shirt and keep it on any time he leaves his house. I honestly don’t think he can.
monamonzano: I want to see these bitches make biggest loser, top chef edition, with a splash of Living Dead.
Schoonie: Hey, Ryan Murphy? Why don’t you resolve to remember that Glee does not exist to teach us a Very Special Lesson every week. Your show is popular because people want snarky dialogue and cheesy renditions of popular songs, not to hear you yammer on about whatever issue of the day you happen to have read about that morning. Have fun every week and people will like your show a lot more.
Oh, and while you’re at it? Kurt is not David Koresh. You are making him creepy by having everyone fall all over themselves every week to make him happy. Maybe have him figure out that is is not okay to be a total dick to Mercedes and act all skeevy at Finn all the time?
SexyPanda: More shows about fat people losing weight and broke people paying off things, all realistically. I say this without a hint of a joke in my voice, because I’m earnest like that.
SwellMel: I hope that NBC renews “Community”. The humor is sharp, Joel McHale is a sexy bitch, and I love Abed and Troy’s friendship. Who wants to build a tent fort with me???
TheMiki: I’d like Tyler Perry to make a resolution to have one funny thing on any of his many programs/movies in the coming year. It won’t be easy, but I’m pulling for him.
Our New Year’s Resolutions
TheMiki: My New Year’s resolution is to stop killing hookers. No wait, to kill MORE hookers. Yeah… but stop killing hookers that have children cause that’s a drain on our nation’s resources.
SwellMel: To watch more TV of course.
SexyPanda: To lose weight and pay off things, dammit!! Ha!
monamonzano: To watch more tv. I mean, less tv. I mean….I DON’T KNOW WHAT I MEAN ANYMORE (Weeps).
LadyStardust: I’m pretty much a 25-year-old granny, so I want to finish this huge cross stitch project I just started. It enables me to watch a lot of trash TV while I work on it.
How every recapper spends down time.
L-Money: Catch up on all the shows I’ve been too busy to watch! Also exercise more. The two may or may not be mutually exclusive.
NinjaStarr: As far as my New Year’s resolutions go… if we’re talking about personal, general resolutions — I’ve given myself six months to get the tightest, firmest ass imaginable. But if we’re talking TV related — in all honesty, for every hour of reality TV I watch, I’m going to match it with an hour of watching PBS. It’s a national treasure. And seriously, is there any interviewer sexier than Charlie Rose?
J-Mo: I would like to have a lot more sex in 2011, cuz 2010 hasn’t been putting out so much. Also, I hope to be slightly less fat at some point, I’m starting to get out of breath while typing.
HoneyGangsta: My resolution is to not be 16 and Pregnant.
Dangerously: My resolutions are to gain weight, exercise less, drink more, consistently underperform at work, and never ever get a recap in on time.
PottyMouth: Actually, I don’t believe in making resolutions because I never, ever, ever, ever keep them. Oh wait! I resolve to have less sex, eat more, never drink and cut back on the snark!
WaffleBoy: It was exercise every day or learn Spanish. So,I’ve already started on my resolution, No. no voy a compartir mis nachos. y voy a hacer abdominales cuando el infierno se congele. 2011 is going to be the best year ever!
Cherie: Stop Bitching.
Bluzgirl: Maybe lay off the Xanax a touch…
Alejandra: I resolve to toss Molotov cocktails onto the set of Bridalplasty Season 2.
Flipit: To be a better person. Which probably won’t happen. But I feel better just for having typed it. Yay me!