It’s the time of year where we celebrate the best and worst of the TV season. Sit back, relax, and join us on our trip down memory lane, won’t you?
HOW CAN WE CHOOOOSE?
Best Drama of 2009
Dear Crabby: Breaking Bad – Bryan Cranston plays the amazingly low-key Walter who leads a double life as a boring, middle-aged chemistry teacher with life-threatening lung cancer who uses his anally retentive chemistry skills to make and sellÂ drugs as the only way to save enough money for his family after his death.Â Known in the drug world as Heisenberg, his meth is fast becoming the best throughout the western U.S. much to the chagrin of his brother-in-law, a DEA agent.Â Addictive as meth!
Schoonie: Breaking Bad – There have been so many great dramas on television this year (Mad Men, Sons of Anarchy and Friday Night Lights, just to name a few) that it’s so hard to pick just one, but Breaking Bad would have to be my choice.Â The show took a good (but not great) first season and built a captivating drama around it, thanks to some of the best performances on TV this year.Â Not only was Bryan Cranston awesome thanks to his story arcÂ thatÂ effectively removed anyÂ selfless reason for him to become a criminal, transforming him into an evil man crushed by the weight of his decisions, but Aaron Paul managed to turnÂ one of the biggestÂ douchebags on television intoÂ the most sympatheticÂ TV character of 2009.Â Â Plus, that finale?Â Holy shit, y’all.
SexyPanda: Toss-up betwixt Mad Men and Breaking Bad.Â AMC, FTW!
Moorels: I know picking Lost as the best drama is the cultural equivalent of picking “pepperoni” as the best pizza topping or “Barrack Obama” as the best 2008 political candidate, but it’s cliche for a reason. Season five brought us all the fun of time travel and all the heartbreak of Juliet death, wrapped nicely in one amazing sci-fi package. But this season was best at setting us up for NEXT season. Did they actually change the past? Best season finale EVER.
JMo: Does the Tiger Woods Sexual Saga count as a “drama”?
Flipit: Dramas were the best TV of the year in general for me. Sons of Anarachy? Dude. I will watch anything with Katy Sagall beating a ho in the face with a skateboard. Mad Men and Big Love were even better than usual, which is saying something. True Blood really marinated in its own special cheesiness, and Lost not only stayed consistent in the first half of its final season, but topped itself and didn’t have one weak episode the whole year. BUT there is only really one show that I look forward to coming home and bingeing in front of the TV to, and that’s Medium. Sure, compared to the other shows I mentioned, Medium seems a little Matlock-y, but I loved Matlock too so that makes sense. This show manages to be both one of the hokiest and most realistic shows around. The husband seems lost, tired, and defeated (which is how I prefer my husbands), the kids are weirdos (ones a chunk, one’s a four eyes, and one’s a teenager that occasionally gets possessed by serial killers and stuff), and the supporting cast can’t act their way out of a paper bag. You would think that these qualities would kill a show fast, but Patricia Arquette brings it all together with calm, charm, and giant boobs. Please, Medium, stay awesome.
Hypnotoad: Mad Men -Â Duh. Â This show has captivated a nation unlike nothing else. Â Except maybe a white-trash baby falling down an abandoned well.
Ack: Mad Men – each and every episode is as perfect as Joanie’s hairdo. Â It’s understated and classy, and it never
underestimates its audience.
WaffleBoy: Sons of Anarchy – I kind of liked this show last year, but it took off like a rocket in its second season.Â Interesting fact, Peg Bundy getting gang raped by a bunch of goons lead by Henry Rawlins was one of the key plot points of the season, but if it had been Henry Rawlins getting gang raped by anyone, then this would immediately become my pick for best comedy.
Chooch: Dexter – This is the hardest category. there is just too many good shows to watch. Serial killer vs serial killler & the Code, chemistry teacher turned meth dealer turned murderer, a 1960′s whore-dog business man who gets caught with his dick out & of course, smoke monsters, time-skipping, good vs evil & BEN. All deserve #1 but for “edge of your seat” drama, Dexter truly delivered in 2009 with a finale that left us all wondering “where does this go from here?”. Is it wrong to love a murderer? I’m thinking of becoming a pen pal to a death row inmate now.
Winner: Already we have a tie! Breaking Bad and Mad Men. We will be sending AMC a TVgasm mousepad. I know they will be thrilled.
Best Comedy of 2009
JMo: Glee - Glee, Glee, Glee, Glee, Glee, Glee, Glee, Glee, Glee.Â Any show that can wind up with an entire football team dancing to “Single Ladies” earns a special place in my heart.Â And thighs.
Moorels: Glee – Jane Lynch. The end.
Schoonie: Modern Family – It seems like last year at this time, the only funny comedies on network television wereÂ 30 Rock, The OfficeÂ or How I Met Your Mother.Â Now, hilarity is everywhere, and I’m thankful for that.Â Thank you, Xenu, for Better Off Ted, and for The Middle, and for Community, and for the newly hilarious Parks and Recreation, but most of all, thank you for Modern Family.Â Holy shit, is it great.Â With a cast of characters as varied as The Office, and off the wallÂ writing asÂ consistently funnyÂ as 30 Rock’s, and the sincerity and earnestness of How I Met Your Mother, it takes the best parts of every great comedy and makes one comical Frankenstein’s Monster out of it.Â Ask your friends which character is their favorite, and you’ll incite an insane debate.Â While there’s something to be said for Manny and Cameron, my vote would have to go to Phil, for the “ABCs of Real Estate” line alone. You know which one I’m talking about.
Ack: 30 Rock – a perfect combination of high and low brow comedy that hasn’t been seen on TV since Arrested Development went off the air. Â Clever, and silly,Â and fantastic. Â I want to go to there.
SexyPanda: 30 Rock, no question.
Chooch: I don’t care what you all say, 30 Rock is NOT all that funny. It’s totally over-rated & everyone is licking Tina Fey’s crack & I don’t know why. Tracey Morgan has no talent & has never delivered a single funny line. The Big Bang Theory is getting better every season. Howard & Sheldon are stepping all over Leonard, but they need him for it all to work. That Indian dude needs a storyline though. He’s just background noise. Oh & I’m still one of the many who loves the childish jokes on Two & a Half Men. Charlie needs to dump that girlfriend & go back to whoring though.
WaffleBoy: You can’t go wrong with 30 Rock or the Office, but the show that really me get in touch with the most twisted parts of my sense of humor is The Venture Brothers on the cartoon network.Â How can you not love a show where a character screams out, “I won’t kill Hitler!Â I love Hitler!Â And Hitler loves me!!”Â So wrong on so many levels, it has to be right.
Dear Crabby: Hands down it’s late-comer Community.Â Any show that involves a Chinese professor teaching Spanish who uses the phrase, “Hey, if I were working the body you were, that professor would be at the Comfort Inn giving me a Mexican Halloween right now” is a keeper.Â Great ensemble cast and fast, intelligent quips.Â
Flipit: I hear a lot of great things about Community, Modern Family, etc, but the only show that makes me laugh myself into a lung collapse every week is Parks and Rec. I tried this show out a few times in its first season and always ended up scrunching my face and changing the channel. Then something changed. IT GOT GOOD. Amy Poehler has developed a sweet, dork of a character who only really wants one thing: to do good in the world. It makes you want to trip her in the hallway and pull the chair out from under her, which is what the hilarious supporting cast does week after week. Leslie Knope on her hero: “People respect Hillary Clinton so much. Because nobody takes a punch like her. She’s the strongest, smartest punching bag in the world!” LOL
Hypnotoad: Parks and Recreation -Â Why aren’t more people watching this?! Â Gay penguins! Â Topless Megan Mullally! Â People getting shot on hunting trips! Â Politically incorrect and disturbing city murals! Â Penis graffiti! Â So help me, if this show gets canceled because you aren’t watching it I will literally hunt you down and slap you in the face. Â Boolah boolah boolah! Â Community comes in a close second.
Winner: A three way tie! Hey, we never said we were decisive. 30 Rock (Sorry, Chooch), Parks and Rec, and Glee.
Best Reality Show of 2009
Chooch: I would love to be like everyone else & gush over the two reality show icons, Survivor & The Amazing Race, but my whole summer revolved around Big Brother 11. In fact, every summer this reality show consumes me. The trash-talking, back-stabbing, camera-mugging & unbelievable ignorance of what goes on in that house over three months is pure bliss!!
WaffleBoy: I never miss an episode of Top Chef, but Bad Girls’ Club OWNS this category.
SexyPanda: Top Chef Vegas and Top Chef Masters.
Schoonie: Jersey Shore – I realize that only a few episodes have aired, but HAVE YOU SEEN IT?Â It is AMAZING, like the trashiest and most entertaining train wreck ever.Â I was trying to convey just how awesome this show is to one of my buddies, and I told him that it was The Wire of trashy reality television.Â Yes, I did.Â Soak that shit in for a minute.Â It’s true!Â I have gotten into no less than three different conversations in bars about this show, and my friends and I have taken to picking a different person in our circle each night andÂ calling him “The Situation”.Â Try it, it’s fun!Â Especially if they’re flabby and you make them lift up their shirts and show women their abs.
JMo: Bitches, you know it’sÂ the SITUATION of Jersey Shore!!Â I made my BF sit down and watch it because I was so entranced by the premiere, and he HATES shrieky 20-something kids with East Coast accents… but the minute he saw that almostÂ ALL of the guys spend the majority of the show with their shirts off, he pretty much shut up and drooled whenever Ronnie was onscreen.Â I’m grateful to the show for bringing us closer together.
Moorels: Yeah, yeah, yeah, every television columnist to ever own a laptop has written something about staying fresh after nineteen seasons. I both agree and disagree. Disagree because seasons 9 to, like, 16ish were pretty
nondescript, but agree because 2009 was the year Survivor won me back. Not just for this season’s incredible cast of characters (though Shambo did ruin every Thursday night for me. TEAM LAURA), but also because of the
great season that was Tocantins. A standard cast size, good gameplay, and Taj, Sierra, and Coach made that one of the best seasons in recent memory. I can still remember when I went from hating Annoying Coach to loving Genuinely Insane Coach.
Hypnotoad: I don’t know if this counts, but: I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, because that crap is EFFED UP.
Flipit: American Idol will always take this prize in my book. This year brought us the Bikini Whore/Skara smackdown, Adam Hambert, and a whole plethora of clunky hideous Paula Abdul jewelry. The real reason I will watch every episode of this show ever taped is that it gave me one of the best gifts I have ever received: FANTASIA!!! Her voice can make me cry, and all of her music makes me laugh. Hard.
Hambert as a child.
DearCrabby: Toddlers & Tiaras and not just because I recap it!Â I love it because it’s a mix of the rich and poor, smart and dumb, and everyone’s a queen of denial.Â You want to know how Ponzi schemes get started?Â Watch the money being thrown down on these kids.Â If I had to chose one I didn’t recap, give me Gordan Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares any day.Â Foul language and stupid people, what could be better?
Ack: The Soup – Okay, so it’s not a reality show, but Joel McHale & Co. willingly lose little pieces of their souls daily by watching Reality TV day in and day out to give us the most hysterical moments from every show you couldn’t pay me to watch.
The Winner: Jersey Shore
Worst Drama of 2009
Ack: Grey’s Anatomy – When I want to watch self-centered doctors bitch at people and cry, I’ll watch Jack on Lost!
DearCrabby: Grey’s Anatomy – how often do they have to wash those on-call room sheets with all the screwing around going on at that hospital?Â Do they every practice medicine besides playing doctor?Â P.S. – Patrick Dempsey is still hot despite all of his whining.
Flipit: Is that Lifetime cop show starring Jo from Facts of Life still on? Cuz I would like to choose that. If it’s not still on, I would still like to choose that. Thank you. Alright then, I will take Eastwick. I actually thought this would be good cuz the movie’s a classic, but when Rebecca Romjin had visions of being murdered, I was rooting for the murderer. That’s probs not a good sign, eh?
Hypnotoad: Eastwick -Â I mean, seriously, you put Rebecca Romijin in anything, you can’t expect it to be good. Â God help us if she and Denise Richards are ever in the same television show.
JMo: In a year of thoughtless remakes, it’s a tie for me between the “new” 90210, the “new” Melrose Place, and the “new” V.Â Yes, I’m a die-hard Kelly Taylor/Donna Martin fan, but even they couldn’t save the new 90210 franchise from boredom.Â And putting Ashlee Wetz-Simpsuck on Melrose Place was the lip-synching kiss-of-death from the get-go.Â And there are so many holes in the plotlines of the new V logic that are large enough to drive a truck through, it’s a wonder they’re not giant rats instead of lizards, cuz that shit is giant swiss cheese!Â They should pay WaffleBoy to turn it into a comedy for them.
Chooch: Three Rivers - The time & money they spent on making it look sleek & high-tech should have been spent on realistic storylines. Ex-vampire Alex O’Loughlin is not George Clooney! Pittsburgh is not Chicago & transplants are not gunshot wounds to the head! Let ER rest in peace!
Schoonie: Heroes – Does anyone still watch this show?Â Way to run something that was kind of cool at first into the ground, NBC.Â
Winner: Tie! Grey’s Anatomy and Eastwick! Congrats, suckas!
Worst Comedy of 2009
Ack: The Jeff Dunham Show - The fact that this show exists makes me weep for humanity.
DearCrabby: Cougartown – Is it supposed to be funny?Â Â Instead it both sucks and blows.Â Â
Flipit: Knocking Up Dharma Did this show prove that Jenna Elfman has actual talent? No. It only proved that Scientology is one magical ass religion. Get this skank off my TV!
JMo: Somebody needs to drop a big bag of bowling balls on top of Jenna Elfman’s head Accidentally On Purpose.Â As many times as it takes.
SexyPanda: That one with Jenna Elfman that ripped off Knocked Up.
Hypnotoad: Sorry, but I have to go with 30 Rock, because it’s been a really disappointing year so far. Â With all it’s accolades, the show is getting completely repetitive and stale, and it’s now the worst show on NBC’s otherwise great Thursday line-up. Â I’m sorry, but somebody had to say it.
Schoonie: Two and aÂ Half Men. Because: Always and forever.
WaffleBoy: There are always bad sitcoms out there (I’m looking at you Hank), but I have to go with the stinker I watched every episode of this season, Entourage.Â Jesus, what a mess.Â If this show was a dog, it would be your grandma’s little 200 year-old poodle that just lays in the corner farting and pissing all over itself.Â The bad news for me is there is talk this could run for another two years.Â Just a heads up, if I see this show out in the street, I am so going to “accidentally” run it over with my car.
Chooch: Brothers, Hank, Surviving Suburbia - Brothers, on FOX, has to be the worst of 2009. Now wait, was pretty bad too. Both had good premises, but they fell flat when they put it on TV. Oh… but maybe the worst truly was Surviving Suburbia. Does anyone even remember it? They showed it a few times after DWTS. It had Bob Saget as the star… no, not ringing a bell? Exactly, it was that bad.
Winner: Accidentally on Purpose
Worst Reality Show of 2009
WaffleBoy: Bad Girl’s Club OWNS this one too!
SexyPanda: So You Want to Sing Like a 5th Grader.
Schoonie: Project Runway – Who were you rooting for at the end?Â I was rooting for moths to show up and eat all the clothes.Â Boooooooooooooooooring.
Moorels: Dancing With The Stars – Remember when Stacey Kiebler was on? It used to be so good! And now, well… Sixteen cast members is WAY too many, the definition of “star” continues to stretch even further, and every time Derek Hough grabs the microphone away from Samantha Harris I want to punch him in the face. Give me a cast of ten, semi-recognizable stars, ABC! I want to like this show! Also, give me WAY more Samantha Harris. The most entertaining part of the show, hands down.
JMo: Hands down, Jon & Kate Plus Hate.Â I have ALWAYS felt uncomfortable with those two allowing this show’s filming/exploiting such young kids, and from the first time I ever heard Kate screeching and emasculating Jon, I knew there would come a D-I-V-O-R-C-E day.Â What I didn’t know was that he was a big enough douche-sack to deserve her.Â However, Father Time’s gonna get them back for all of us, because inÂ a few years those two will have to deal with EIGHT TEENAGERS AT ONCE.
Hypnotoad: Â I don’t know if this counts, but: I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, because that crap is EFFED UP.
Ack: Keeping Up with the Kardashians – Absolutely vomit-inducing on every level.
Flipit: Fashion Show - I love me some bad TV. NotBeyonce, Eyesack Mizrahi, and some super insecure queens. What could go wrong? Everything, apparently. This show had me missing Living Lohan’s quality. There was only one thing more painful, and that was Dancing With the Stars.
DearCrabby: Real Housewives of (fill in the blank).Â This is why women started working, because sometimes having too much time on your hands is not a good thing.
Chooch: Howie Do It – The trashy reality shows that MTV & VH1 put out are just what you expect them to be… trash. I love trash. These shows are entertainment at it’s best & are “guilty pleasure” shows, especially this season’s Rock of Love Bus. So I don’t consider these shows in the “worst” category. NBC’s Howie Do It takes that title. In their desperate attempt to cash in on the success of Howie Mandel’s Deal or No Deal, NBC signed on the comedian to do this LAME-ass version of the old timer, Candid Camera. Awful is too good for this mess. Why anyone wouldn’t recognize Mandel in a wig is unbelievable. The first time he fist bumped me in an effort to avoid my germs, I’d be on to him. This show couldn’t go away soon enough.
Currently assaulting our airwaves is ABC’s Find My Family, an emotionally demoralizing attempt to cash in on shattered lives & pawn it off as entertainment. There’s something about standing under a stupid tree, in hopes that someone from your past might show up to say “hi” or send a message telling you to “kiss my ass”, that I find pathetic. It makes us, the audience, look like demented fools, looking to find someone who’s worse off than us…. in all the wrong ways. Oh, I almost forgot to mention the new show on A&E, The Jacksons: A Family Dynasty. It should be called The Jacksons: A Family Cashing In on Michael’s Death. Now we get to see why the King of Pop dumped his relatives & pretended to be white. Was I supposed to pick just one?
Winner: So You Think You Can Dance
Biggest Trainwreck of 2009
Ack: Nancy Grace’s coverage of…anything, really.
DearCrabby: The Fox “News” Network and their “editing” errors.Â WTF?
Flipit: Whitney’s Comeback. Ouch. Ok, it’s awesome that you stopped doing crack and had a facial and got your hair did, but please, just stop whatever it is you’re trying to do here. It hurts. My ears and my soul.
Hypnotoad: The Beautiful Life, further proof that anything Ashton Kutcher spreads his douchey hands on turns to shit. Or in this case, gets canceled after airing only 2 episodes. Â Which is really awesome suckiness.
JMo: I sat down and watched The Jack5ons:Â A Family Dynasty the other night, and it’s clear scriptedness is painfully apparent.Â Do they really expect us to believe that the brothers have NEVER had a SINGLEÂ conversation about what went down when the Jacksons left Motown and Jermaine stayed behind?Â And what is up with Jermaine’s hair/scalp/skull?Â I can’t figure out if it’s so bad it’s good, or just plain bad.Â Sha-MOWN, you KNOW it.
Moorels: Harper’s Island – I SO wanted this to be good. I diligently watched every episode, making careful charts and searching out clues to find the killer. In the beginning, I counted down the days until another wedding guest was dismembered in a needlessly gruesome fashion. And then the killer turned out to be (SPOILER ALERT) the killer. Oh. I guess you got me, CBS! Even the groom twist in the finale couldn’t save this series that started as a campy-fun murder mystery and ended as an illogical mess of intrigue and back-from-the-dead lameness.
Schoonie: Jay Leno -Â I have never, ever watched Jay Leno on purpose, and I fail to see how anyone with a brain can find him funny.Â I was doing dishes the other night with the TV on in the background, and one show ended and Jay Leno began, and I nearlyÂ blacked out with a steak knife in my hand, so we can addÂ ”hazardous to mental health” toÂ the other things we usually say about him: His bits are either obvious or stolen from Howard Stern, and putting him on at ten o clock to flounder was a genius move on par with drafting Ryan Leaf.
SexyPanda: RHONJ–in particular, Danielle’s delusions and Theresa’s table-tipping.Â Though, gotta love Bravo’s rerun of her roar over and over and over.Â
Chooch: Jay Leno - NBC gambled & lost. They thought that putting The Jay Leno Show on at 10pm & getting rid of the more expensive 1hr dramas would save them & even make them some money. All Jay had to do was bring in 5 million viewers a night. Simple enough, right? Well, they didn’t bank on Jay being a real bore & not changing anything from his original format. Other than getting rid of his desk, it’s still basically The Tonight Show. He barely gets 4 million to watch him, no matter who he has for a guest. This is definitely the biggest trainwreck of 2009!
WaffleBoy: Jay Leno in prime time five days a week.Â Ugh, okay NBC, we get the picture, you don’t like Conan, can’t you just poop in his car like normal people?
The Winner: Jay Leno! Congrats!
Who were on your Best and Worst lists? Thanks for being here in 2009, gasmii! You make our jobs a pleasure and we look forward to many more years together!!