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Monday, March 6, 2006
11:29 pm
68 Comments
Lordy lordy. In case you hadn’t heard, the 78th annual Academy Awards were last night, and boy were they a doozy. Where to begin. Crash, which pulled off a huge upset? Dolly Parton, who brought her two sisters along? Jon Stewart, who will likely never be invited back? Altogether, though the ceremony remained mind-numbing even at a relatively “pared-down” three and a half hours, there were enough memorable moments to make the self-torture worth it.
7:00pm
And so it begins. The red carpet coverage is dominated primarily by Dolly Parton‘s well-nigh-architectural bustline. Seriously, if America has one surefire defense against Al-Qaeda, it’s these puppies. Otherwise, the red carpet is, as always, an orgy of unconcealed ass-kissing. The surprising thing this year is that the stars no longer even try to mask their disdain for the red-carpet press. Also notable is the fact that the phrase “good night and good luck” has become, for reporters, the equivalent of one of those electric bug-zapping lights: you can tell they’re striving like mad to avoid it, but the allure of its sweet snappy rhythms COMPELS THEM TO USE IT EVERY TIME.Every conversation on the red carpet plays roughly as follows:
Reporter: “So what are you wearing, [glamorous female star]?
Female star: “It’s by [pretentious Italian/French/Iranian designer].”
Reporter: “Well you look maaarvelous, girlfriend! How long did it take [male date] to get ready? Three minutes? Ha, ha!”
Male date: [faux-embarrassed chuckle]
Female star: “Oh yes, ha, ha! He’s so grubby! But that’s why I [like him/love him/am screwing him to advance my career]!!”
Reporter: [sycophantic fawning/uncontrollable drooling]
Female star: “Well it’s been a delight, but sadly the five seconds my publicist mandated that I spend with you are up.”
Reporter: “Well good night… and good luck! Uh, I mean, good luck and good night… damn.”
Female star: “Ha, ha! Go to hell.”
The highlight of ABC’s coverage is Vanessa Minnillo’s brutal interrogation of Paul Giamatti, which drives poor Mr. Giamatti cross-eyed and seemingly brings him within a hair’s breadth of vomiting. A close second is the interview with Philip Seymour Hoffman, who tries to defend himself from Cynthia Garrett by breaking out the shit-eating grin and fake belly laugh from his role as Brandt the butler in The Big Lebowski. At the close of the interview, Ms. Garrett leans in for a real kiss instead of the widely accepted air kiss, nearly knocking Mr. Hoffman’s glasses off his face. He runs shrieking into the Kodak Theater.
“Wait, why are we here again love?” “Kidnapping infants maybe? I forget.”
A few minutes before the ceremony, we’re treated to an interview with self-appointed “artsy” couple Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter, who look to be fresh off the set of National Lampoon’s Undead Hillbilly Vacation. We also get a sneak peek behind the scenes at the post-ceremony Governors’ Ball, where we see that the sumptuous meal by Wolfgang Puck includes such delicacies as smoked salmon pieces carved in the shape of the Oscar statuette. Honestly, who carves cured fish into little men? AND WHO EATS IT?!?
Finally, Billy Bush invades the actual auditorium, pissing off everyone within a fifty-foot radius while saying that the ceremony might not start on time “because nobody can find their seats.” Well yeah, they might be able to if you and your camera crew weren’t blocking the aisle, dumbass. Mercifully, the ceremony does actually begin right on time.
8:00pm
The opening montage depicts a fictional cityscape populated by characters from the greatest movies of the classic and modern eras, such as B.A.P.S. and Cannonball Run II. Next we have the first of the evening’s 2,000 Brokeback Mountain jokes, showing former hosts Billy Crystal and Chris Rock in a tent, refusing to host the show because they have better things to do, such as felching. This skit actually gets pretty funny, showing other previous hosts from Steve Martin to Whoopi Goldberg refusing to do the show. After a vaguely pederastic joke involving David Letterman and Steve Martin’s kids, and then a brief cut to Mel Gibson speaking Mayan from the set of Apocalypto, we settle on Jon Stewart, who accepts the doomed role of host.
8:05pm
Mr. Stewart comes out to the tacky Lucite podium, looking more than a little nervous as he greets “Ladies, gentlemen, Felicity….” The stage set is pretty gaudy but has a neat digital marquee at the top that displays the names of the various nominees and winners. Mr. Stewart’s start is bumpy: he gets in a funny line about his role in Death to Smoochy but then crashes and burns with some lame jokes about Angelina Jolie, Hollywood liberalism, and this year’s bad box office.
8:10pm
Fortunately, Mr. Stewart realizes he’s going down in flames and switches to “nothing to lose” mode, getting weirder and funnier by the second. He jokes that Björk would be here if Dick Cheney hadn’t shot her while she was trying on her Oscar dress, then notes, correctly, that Walk the Line is just a remake of Ray with white people. Just when you think he can’t make the self-righteous Academy any more uncomfortable, he launches into a hilarious description of L.A. as an “atheistic pleasure dome … a modern-day beachfront Sodom and Gomorrah … a moral black hole … an endless orgy of sexual gratification and greed” and then says he really doesn’t have a punch line. Everywhere in the auditorium, pacemakers work furiously to keep 80-year-old Academy hearts beating steadily.
8:13pm
Ah, montage time. Fortunately, this first one is pretty funny—a response to the allegation that Brokeback Mountain tarnishes the noble tradition of Westerns. We have a long clip show of gay-innuendo scenes from old cowboy movies. Comedy gold!
8:15pm
At last, they actually start presenting awards—the first one coming from Nicole Kidman, for Best Supporting Actor. She looks nice but pale and washed out—someone tell me again why she started bleaching her hair? More important, where is Cate Blanchett? This one is supposed to be hers to present. Anyway, after Ms. Kidman’s long-winded introduction of all five nominees, we get… clips of all five nominees. Going for the “streamlined” broadcast I see. I have to say I like when they show the clips though—they should cut less important stuff, like the actual awards.
8:19pm
The first Oscar goes to George Clooney for Syriana—that is, for getting fat, growing a beard, and passing for Arab. Annoyingly, the Academy orchestra tries to hurry him along by playing background music from the start of his speech. Mr. Clooney displays his liberalism proudly, saying that Hollywood has indeed long been at the forefront of liberal social causes and that he’s proud to be part of that tradition. He then burns the American flag, drops acid, and wipes his ass with the Bible before handlers finally drag him offstage.
8:23pm
As a “timesaving measure,” they waste several minutes with a Tom Hanks skit showing what happens to winners who go over the time limit in their speeches. Only the Oscar producers could fail to see the irony here.
8:26pm
Ben Stiller comes out in a lime green bodysuit (used when shooting in front of a green screen) to present Best Visual Effects. Totally oblivious to the fact that he’s embarrassing himself thoroughly, he mugs for the camera and tries desperately to milk this nonjoke for all its nonworth. The Oscar goes to King Kong.
8:30pm
Reese Witherspoon, perky of demeanor and pointy of mandible, presents Best Animated Feature to Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit. The winners are wearing gigantic bowties, miniature copies of which they put on the little Mr. Oscars. After the speech, the co-winners put their wallaces in each other’s gromits and perform an act so indecent that we’re forced to cut to commercial.
9″ Dolly Action Figure, $8.99 at Wal-Mart while supplies last
8:34pm
Naomi Watts, our official Nicole Kidman clone, introduces Dolly Parton to present the first of tonight’s three Best Original Song nominees. Ms. Parton is fantastic as always, but her surgery-assisted proportions have reached such an extreme that she now resembles a human Barbie, complete with those weird plastic leg joints. But her performance of the song from Transamerica is great, and she commands the stage entirely on her own. When she tries to get the crowd into the song, an awkward audience shot reveals that Amy Adams simply CANNOT FIGURE OUT how to clap in time with the music.
8:42pm
Reaching unbelievable heights of nasality, Luke and Owen Wilson present Best Live-Action Short Film. Next, we have the inevitable bit with animated characters “presenting” Best Animated Short Film. Never gets old!
8:48pm
This year’s sympathy queen, Jennifer Aniston, looks lovely as she presents Best Costume Design. It goes to Memoirs of a Geisha and is accepted by Colleen Atwood, a card-carrying member of Botoxaholics Anonymous who’s wearing a big obi tied around her waist. Memo to Colleen-san: just because you made a film about geisha doesn’t mean you’re a geisha yourself, ohaiyo gozaimasu.
8:51pm
Russell Crowe, knuckles still bloodied from a backstage brawl with Olivia de Havilland, comes out to present a neat montage of previous movie biopics. We’re treated to scenes from Selena, The Doors, Ray, Mommie Dearest, and the like, capped by the classic “Pierre, we’ve discovered a new element!” scene from RADIUM: Marie Curie Exposed.
8:57pm
In the funniest presentation of the evening by far, a hideously made up Will Ferrell and Steve Carell present Best Makeup in exquisite deadpan form. It goes to The Chronicles of Narnia for all that scary ice shit they put on Tilda Swinton‘s face. The male co-winner gives a rushed speech and then his female counterpart chimes in, only to get brutally cut off by the orchestra.
9:00pm
Mr. Stewart introduces our obligatory nod to the Scientific and Technical Oscars that were presented earlier, during a five-minute ceremony in a trailer parked in the alley behind the BevMo on Santa Monica and La Brea. The awards were hosted by Rachel McAdams, lying through her teeth about how “thrilled” she is to be there.
Her face hasn’t moved since Stepford Wives
9:02pm
Morgan Freeman trips through his lines while introducing Best Supporting Actress. We get a nice audience shot of scrappy soon-to-be-loser Frances McDormand, who has an entire oak tree pinned to her lapel. As widely expected, the award goes to The Constant Gardener‘s Rachel Weisz, who fortunately has de-Frankensteinized since her ill-advised Golden Globes look. With luck, Ms. Weisz will be able to parlay this Oscar into superstardom, just like Brenda Fricker did after My Left Foot.
9:11pm
Lauren Bacall comes out to introduce the most pointless montage of the evening—a collection of clips from film noir classics. Baffling, seeing as not one of the major nominees this year is a film noir. Ms. Bacall’s introduction is a little painful to watch, as she has major problems with the teleprompter, either because she’s drunk or simply because she’s 81. Anyway, the montage features all sorts of men wearing fedoras—Matt Drudge probably wet his diaper—and women wearing those pointy 1940s missile-silo bras.
9:16pm
Fortunately, Jon Stewart rescues this disaster by introducing some hilarious parody TV attack ads for the Best Actress race. The best one lambastes the nominees’ exotic first names while touting Reese Witherspoon‘s “simple, pleasing name.” In a nice nod to The Daily Show, the ads are narrated by Stephen Colbert.
9:18pm
Terrence Howard comes out to present Best Documentary Short Subject to A Note of Triumph: The Golden Age of Norman Corwin. Uh it’s supposed to be a short film, try PICKING A SHORT TITLE.
9:21pm
Distressingly, Charlize Theron has not learned her tantastic lesson from two years ago. Though she steps up to the podium gracefully, her delivery is hampered by the giant fabric tumor growing out of her left shoulder. Regardless, she presents Best Documentary Feature to March of the Penguins. The winners have smuggled in giant penguin stuffed animals and, when they get to the podium, start whistling in penguinese. Well at least it’s not French, I guess.
9:24pm
Jennifer Lopez contains the junk in her trunk in an olive-colored goddess dress that—I’m sorry to say, honey—went out of style like two years ago. STOP CLINGING TO MT. OLYMPUS, it’s OVER. Anyway, she introduces the song from Crash, which in great contrast to Dolly Parton is performed on an elaborate set with fake mist and a burning car, accompanied by an interpretive dance performed by what appear to be homeless mimes.
9:32pm
Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves walk in to the much-missed theme music from Speed. Her dress is nice, but her hair looks like a bird’s nest. They present Best Art Direction to Memoirs of a Geisha; Gong Li burns down her house in celebration.
9:36pm
Commence the porn groove as badass Samuel L. Jackson comes out to present a masturbatory retrospective of movies with a “social conscience.” Oddly, the montage is accompanied by “Rodeo” from Aaron Copland’s Appalachian Spring, better known as The Theme Song to Beef. Just after the music reaches soaring, inspirational heights, Jon Stewart deflates the entire montage with his sarcastic proclamation “…And none of those issues were ever a problem again.” Haha, the Academy must HATE him.
9:39pm
The obligatory appearance by Academy president Sid Ganis bores even the ever-gracious Ang Lee and his faithful companion, Mrs. Lee. ADHD poster child Catherine Keener doesn’t even pretend to listen but instead just checks her BlackBerry and talks the whole time to someone sitting across the aisle.
9:44pm
Looking stunning in a dress that features dangerously unstable boob-containment technology, Salma Hayek purrs out her introduction to the “surprise musical performance” of the evening. It turns out to be violinist Itzhak Perlman, presenting a medley of the five nominees for Best Original Score. Yep, cause nothing says “surprise party” like polio-stricken Israelis. The medley is veritable cornucopia of fake world music, from the vaguely Eastern melodies of Memoirs of a Geisha to the rousing Putumayo themes of The Constant Gardener. Even those hoping for a plaintive, Talmudic motif from Munich are not disappointed. The medley ends with the Brokeback Mountain portion, which features some enthusiastic plucking from Mr. Perlman, if you know what I mean.
It takes a hell of a lot more than polio to impress THE LEES
9:48pm
Though Jake Gyllenhaal‘s eyebrows are exquisitely manicured into nice little symmetrical caterpillars, his bowtie is lopsided and he’s apparently never used a teleprompter. Rather, he opts for the deer-in-headlights look as he introduces yet another pointless montage—this one about how movies are best seen on the big screen. Ah, transparent anti-DVD propaganda. Why do they always end these damn montages with the flying bikes from E.T.? WHAT IS SO INSPIRATIONAL ABOUT BIKES FLYING IN THE AIR? Thankfully, Jon Stewart pulls the carpet out from under this montage as well, saying he can’t wait for the inevitable “salute to montages” to come later.
10:00pm
Jessica Alba and Eric Bana present Best Sound. Ms. Alba’s dress shows off her little booblets quite nicely, but she too struggles with the teleprompter. King Kong wins again, which promises an assload of Kiwi accents. Note to New Zealanders: the accent isn’t sexy or charming, it’s more like the KATHY GRIFFIN OF FOREIGN ACCENTS.
10:04
Finally, a much-needed touch of class—and subtle, unshowy lesbianism!—as Meryl Streep and Lily Tomlin introduce this year’s honorary Oscar recipient, director Robert Altman. They banter with seemingly improvised, overlapping dialogue that is really funny. When Mr. Altman finally comes out, he mentions in his speech that he received a heart transplant from a thirty-year-old woman a while back. In addition, he’s carrying Drew Barrymore’s discarded liver, Debra Winger’s pancreas, and one of Dakota Fanning’s kidneys. Sadly, it’s all for naught, as the sight of Ms. Streep’s daringly low-cut bodice sends Mr. Altman into cardiac arrest.
Not long before the whitecoats escort the Altmans back to cell block B
10:18pm
Rapper-turned-actor Ludacris introduces the song from Hustle and Flow. In an amusing clash of cultures, the Academy marquee above the stage displays “IT’S HARD OUT HERE FOR A PIMP” in big, staid block letters. The performance is great: this time, rather than slow-motion mimes, we have rapid-fire hos. It’s a sanitized version of the song, however—notably, lacking any references to “bitches”—so it’s not quite the same.
10:24pm
Finally, Queen Latifah emerges as the next presenter—funny how this is ostensibly an awards ceremony but the last actual award was presented nearly a half hour ago. In a big upset, H.R.H. Latifah presents Best Original Song to the aforementioned “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp.” The moment is genuinely exciting and, in a huge relief for the Oscar producers, avoids the inevitable Parton-Latifah breast-off that would’ve occurred had these two mammary titans ended up onstage at the same time. Anyway, the award prompts all manner of roof-raising, as Three 6 Mafia collectively are giddy as shit about their win. As Jon Stewart notes, it’s cool to see somebody actually excited about winning and thanking “all y’all niggaz” rather than the usual laundry list of lawyers and agents.
10:27pm
It’s our favorite beady-eyed man-beast, Jennifer Garner! She nearly trips on her way out to the podium, which could’ve caused a severe wardrobe malfunction as her dress is barely containing her post-pregnancy funbags. Best Sound Editing goes to King Kong—great, more people from GODDAMN NEW ZEALAND.
10:30pm
The audience dusts off their applause hands as George Clooney introduces the ever-popular death/popularity montage. On your mark, get set… GO! First out of the blocks is Teresa Wright—ouch, no applause for an unknown—who’s quickly put to shame by the veritable TOKYO BULLET TRAIN Pat Morita who says WAX ON MOTHERFUCKERS as he elbows a couple no-name producers out of the way before Vincent Schiavelli comes out of nowhere with the “I’m so corpselike I didn’t look any different when I was alive” vote—but then OH SLAM GIDGET SHOWS NO MERCY as Sandra Dee steamrolls the field, knocking down two choreographers and a rerecording mixer and clearing the path for a brief surge by Shelley Winters before DOWN THE STRETCH THEY COME and everyone’s favorite sexual predatrix ANNE BANCROFT CHEWS UP ALL COMERS from Ismail Merchant to Richard Pryor OH YOU GOT NO CHANCE BITCHES AND IT’S MRS. ROBINSON BY TWO LENGTHS!!! Seriously, it seems like they forgot a bunch of people. Don Knotts? Scotty from Star Trek? Darren McGavin? Bueller?
10:37pm
Will Smith presents Best Foreign Language Film, quite pleased with himself as he shows off his nonfluency in a number of languages. The award goes to South Africa’s Tsotsi, whose director apparently does speak eight languages and due to either adrenaline or crystal meth tries to use them ALL AT ONCE, spitting out sentences like Aloha and shalom mes frères I say to you muchas gracias and VIVA AFRICA and jambo that we have finally banished apartheid from der Parkplatz of Johannesburg. Arrivederci and konbanwa! Actually he wastes about half his speech informing us how many seconds he has left in his speech.
10:41pm
The announcer butchers Ziyi Zhang‘s name—it comes out something like “Suey Chang”—as she emerges to present Best Editing. Ooh, let’s see how her English has improved since the ceremony in 2001, when they threw the poor girl onstage with about two hours of Berlitz tapes under her belt. This time we get Happy nice day to you and I present lady gentlemen many warm wish from China land of blossoming flower and 2008 Olympic Game! Actually, she acquits herself nicely. The award goes to Crash. Okay, if I have to listen to the choral theme from this movie one more time I’m gonna start doing shots of bleach.
10:44pm
Hilary Swank looks great, unburdened as she is from the responsibility of keeping Chad Lowe firmly under her thumb. She presents Capote‘s Philip Seymour Hoffman with the Oscar for Best Actor With Special Recognition for Fake Humility, Slouching, and Overall Dumpiness. Shielding his eyes from the glare—oh, the glare, the harsh glare of life in the spotlight—Mr. Hoffman thanks his mom for being a dedicated single parent, taking him to his first play, and introducing him to the Bob Evans all-you-can-eat buffet. Seriously, that slim build he sported in Capote? Blink and you missed it. Nonetheless, his speech ends on a nice sincere note.
“Hey dad don’t I look awesome in this pimp suit?” “Not now son, pops is busy”
10:55pm
Before the commercial, the announcer informs us that “John Travolta is standing by to present.” Thousands crap their pants in anticipation. As promised, Mr. Travolta emerges after the break, his hairpiece fortunately not as visible as it was during this unfortunate recent public appearance. He presents Best Cinematography to Memoirs of a Geisha.
10:57pm
In great news for humankind, Jamie Foxx has finally decided he is no longer Ray Charles. Instead, he takes a straightforward approach while presenting Best Actress to Reese Witherspoon for Walk the Line. Once again Ms. Witherspoon pulls the “aww shucks y’all I’m just a down-home Tennessee bumpkin” bit, which is getting old and totally unconvincing besides, in light of the $25 million per movie she commands these days. Though her delivery comes across as rehearsed, her speech actually is quite nice, recognizing costar Joaquin Phoenix and thanking her mother and grandmother for giving her strong female role models, not to mention devastating bone structure.
11:08pm
Well it’s past eleven, which means it’s time to play everyone’s favorite parlor game, Guess Which Pill Bottle Dustin Hoffman Just Pounded Backstage? As he introduces Best Adapted Screenplay, he starts giggling uncontrollably. It goes to Brokeback Mountain, accepted by a dour Diana Ossana and a jeans-wearing Larry McMurtry, who also appears to have on a rented tux and clip-on bowtie. The absurdity makes Ang Lee weep.
“My next film will be about… LESBIANS”
11:12pm
Sashaying out to present Best Original Screenplay is Uma Thurman, who looks HORRIBLE. No really, like she just stepped out of the crackhouse—her skin is tight, her eyes sunken, and her head jerking all over the place. Wow, what happened to her? Whatever it is MY GOD MAKE IT STOP. The award goes to Crash.
11:19pm
Tom Hanks presents Best Director to Ang Lee, who, though adorable and gracious, makes an ill-advised attempt to replicate Barbra Streisand’s “Hello gorgeous” moment by telling the Oscar statue “I wish I knew how to quit you.” Oof. Mr. Lee thanks the characters Ennis and Jack for bringing life to all the “gay mens and women whose love is denied by society” before dispatching a grateful xiexie to all his peeps back in Taiwan.
11:22pm
Finally, Jack Nicholson comes out, caricaturing himself lustily. His eyebrows are all over the place as he announces the big shock of the evening: that Crash has come from behind—if you’ll pardon the pun—to usurp Best Picture from Brokeback Mountain. Producer Cathy Schulman launches into a breathless but nonetheless boring speech, which the orchestra ballsily cuts off. Inexplicably, Ms. Schulman concludes by saying, “Thank you to my husband, to my wife, and to all of our families.” And Crash is the CONSERVATIVE choice?
11:29pm
Jon Stewart runs for the door, pursued by an angry mob led by Jack Palance, Charlton Heston, and other stalwarts of the Hollywood establishment. It’s a wrap!
TV Social
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68 Comments
I think Jon Stewart did okay. They probably had him on a short leash though.
I don’t remember all of what the South African dude said, so I can’t give a translation. But he did end by screaming “Amandla”..to which the 2 actors from his movie sitting in the audience responded with “Awethu”
Which means “Power to the people”
oh yeah, and he started by saying “Nkosi Sikelel iAfrica”…which means “Lord, bless Africa”
Just thought I’d add that…
OMG..the “Thank you to my husband, to my wife…” was hilarious (had to go back and watch it again!)
Overall I think the show lost its touch from the start. Jon Stewart’s antics just didn’t work for this type of show.
I kinda feel sorry for all those people in the audience who had to sit through 3.5 hours of montages, indifferent speeches, and most importantly, NO FOOD until after the show!! (no wonder the orchestra cut the last speech short)
By the way, just watched my Tivo’d “Colbert Report” from Thursday night, and in it, he calls all of the major acting categories and best picture for the awards in his “Da Colbert Code” segment…
I wish i had the clip to give y’all, but it’s pretty amazing.
I like the Kiwi accents!
I also thought that Jon Stewart did well, and had a lot of funny comments after the best song winner was announced.
Ferrell/Carell were definitely the best presenters though.
Phillip Seymour Hoffman didn’t thank Truman Capote. Wouldn’t it make sense to thank the man that you tried SO hard to become that it ultimately won you an Oscar?
Couldn’t bring myself to 3 1/2 hours of more self-congratulatory “look how important we are!” crap and I’m glad. Your recap was much shorter and, I’m willing to bet, far more entertaining.
I posted this in the 2006 Oscar Ballot section on Monday but I moved it here.
Maybe some of you who understand awards ceremonies better than me can explain something. In my opinion, the distribution of awards made no sense. How could someone win for best director but not win for best movie?? And how can something be the best movie, yet it appears as though it had nothing to do with the cast or the director because they didn’t win in those categories. Movies can’t get made without these different roles overlapping. Why is Ang Lee the best director? He obviously didn’t do that great a job if his actors and his movie didn’t win – right? That’s what a director does – directs people and guides the vision for the movie. If his movie and his actors didn’t win – exactly what did he do a great job at? Does this make any sense? Does anyone know if it has happened before?
What’s the deal with Jessica Alba? Standard bowling ball on a toothpick. I understand men want to roll around with her. But after she’s done lacerating you with her clavicle, you’ll be sorry. She’s just so “I should have been on Saved By the Bell and then disappeared.” Just so you know I’m willing to give mad props to hot chicks. For instance, Selma Hayek makes me think I’m probably a lezzy.
“I think it just got easier out here for a pimp.” Best line of the night.
Alfred Hitchcock, Charlie Chaplin, Cary Grant- never won an Oscar.
Three 6 Mafia – Oscar Winners.
Scary, isn’t it.
Why can’t they come up with 5 songs for that category? That always annoys me that for a few cats they short shrift it to 3 nominees. I am sure there were other movies with halfway decent songs.
Tinkerbell, I read that they’ve got a scoring system and a song can only be nominated if it get a certain average score from the nomination voters. That means that if only 3 songs get high enough scores, there are only 3 nominees. It’s a weird system, since they don’t do that in any other category.
The Oscars are so boring. I’m glad I didn’t watch and just read the recap. Why do they need 10 montages, many of which are completely unrelated to any nominees? Just hand out the awards, let people give a speech that lasts more than 5 seconds, and be done with it. No one watches anymore anyway, so it’s not like the montages and performances are drawing viewers in droves.
I thought Jon Stewart was brilliant. However, while people at home were rolling on the floor laughing, the audience of self-important Hollywood heavyweights did not find Stewart funny because he obviously didn’t take the Oscars seriously enough for their taste. Lisa Schmeiser at http://www.teevee.org has a great essay on why Stewart did not go over well, and why she nominates Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau to co-host next year. Also I don’t think Don Knotts, etc. were overlooked. I think they just limit the salute to the dead to those who died in 2005.
It DID feel like they left out alot of people from the In Memorium montage, e.g. Jerry Orbach, John Spencer, Don Knotts.
And that woman who was singing that horrid song from “Crash” is the same actress that played Toby’s ex-wife on the West Wing. My husband was shocked by that one.
I’m pretty sure they just flat-out forgot people in the In Memoriam part. It’s not based on calendar year, because Ossie Davis died in February 2005 but was included last year. Besides, James Doohan died last July anyway, so that was definitely an oversight. Jerry Orbach was included last year though.
I think Jon Stewart did a pretty admirable job after a rocky start. I’ve always thought Ellen DeGeneres would be an ideal host from the Academy’s point of view—her humor is accessible and nonthreatening but still funny. Who knows, maybe she keeps turning it down.
I liked Jon Stewart. Thought he did well.
SOOOOOOOOOOOOO, glad to see Crash take home best picture honors.
But what in the WORLD is happening Gary Busey’s face? I can’t find the picture that frightened me yesterday, but that man’s features are literally sliding off his face!
that was the best oscar recap i’ve read yet.
did anyone else think that helena bonham-carter looked like a refugee from a mid-1980s prom? that was the first thing i thought when i beheld her electric-blue dress.
also, i’m glad someone else out there wasn’t floored by ben stiller’s “green screen” thing. folks, it really wasn’t that funny.
and i liked jon stewart as host. anyone who makes celebrities uncomfortable is fine with me.
yeah, send all those unwanted kiwi accents my way, i have no complaints!
I’m really sad brokeback didn’t win best picture.
Is “its’ hard out there for a pimp” better in the actual movie? Becuase from that performance I couldn’t see it getting played on hot 97 or power 105, much less winning an award.
OK, we need to have a moratorium on cutaway shots to Jack Nicholson. The man never does anything funny or interesting, he just sits there looking stoned and fat, and he wasn’t even IN a movie last year. Christ you might as well cut to satellite shots of Jack Benny’s grave. It would be funnier.
Every time they show the food from the post Oscar parties, it always feels like a big F you to the audience. Like, look at what us glamorous people are doing tonight, aren’t you jealous? Whatever man. I’m keeping it real.
Dolly Partons plastic surgery makes her look positively grotesque. There was one red carpet shot of her from the side, and it was so ravaged with scars and stretched so taut that I barfed in my mouth a little. I wonder what she mumbled under her breathe when Three 6 Mafia won the oscar.
Philip Seymour Hoffman was sporting quite the gut. Suck on that no Oscar winner Brad Pitt.
Did someone tell Ben Stiller that his green screen bit was a 2 second joke, and that he was going to be forced to stand their for 5 minutes? And it wasn’t even a funny joke. I swear if I ever busted my ass on a movie and won that award and had tog et handed an Oscar by a mugging Ben Stiller in a green suit, I’d punch him in the throat.
I’m amazed that Lauren Bacall is not only still living, but looking pretty good. The woman was married to Bogart for god’s sake. He died in the 50’s.
Gylennhall is badass man. He doesn’t shave for NO ONE!
The interpretive dance thing for the crash song was weird. They literally had a dance version of Thandie Newton getting her cooter groped while standing net to a burning car.
I like how Travolta has a “shaved head� hairpiece. Almost as admirable as Nicolas cages constant “thinning hair� hairpiece, even though we know by know the man is Jean Luc Picard bald.
I was kind of disappointed in Altmans speech. The man has been shit on by Hollywood for years, and I was hoping he was going to shit back and ream them all out for being narcissistic a-holes. I guess we’ll have to wait for my acceptance speech for that. They give Oscars for blogging right?
Jennifer Garner’s almost trip was my highlight. Imagine her falling over , her boobs pop out and spray the first row with milk. God that would have been awesome.
TE memoriam thing is only up until December 31st, so Scottie will get his due next year. Still, what about the painter guy from Murphy brown who od’ed? Also, I looked up the Pixar guy online cuz he looked young. Dies in a freak car accident flying off a cliff. That’s messed up.
Will Smith is nauseating.
I was rooting for Dan Futterman to win the oscar for screenplay because he was in Judging Amy which took palce in Hartford. Whenver they would mention a street I knew I would squeal with delight.
No no, In Memoriam is not cut off at December 31—Ossie Davis, case in point. Besides, Scotty died last July. It’s a vast conspiracy I tell you.
EdHill, your vociferous diatribe titillates me.
I thought Uma looked great. Her eyes weren’t sunken. That’s called a ‘smoky eye’ effect. I would have preferred she kept her eye makeup lighter and gone with the vibrant red lips like Michelle Williams (who looked smashing in that yellow!)
Stewart went over like a lead balloon. He did his bit which is funny stuff, but didn’t play well at this sort of affair. Who are they going to ask next, Dennis Miller? No, ’cause his stuff is much like Stewart’s: sarcastic, ironic and biting.
The best speech was the Costume Design lady. Although she was dressed like crap. Her dress, fit poorly, the slits were too high… Hard to believe this is her trade. I remember when the costumers showed up looking like a gazillion dollars.
Okay something has been bothering since the first 30 minutes of the show.. So yes the academy did give an award to Hattie Mcdaniel (sp?) for Gone with the Wind, but am I mistaken, or wasnt she not even allowed to attend the ceremony??…Yea, way to go Clooney, might want to get the full story before you get all smug and mighty
“In great news for humankind, Jamie Foxx has finally decided he is no longer Ray Charles.” so true, so true
I didn’t watch on sun night .. i caught up last night, but my tevo cut off right as Jamie Foxx was going to announce Reese’s name … clearly from your recap tho … i didnt miss much ..
one of my fave moments was Dolly’s performance!! They cut to lecherous Jack Nicholson glaring at her with his im really really old, but i still got it creepy creepy glare. Most likely not staring at her busted face, but her gravity defying boobs.
Right on Lizardqueen! In Sin City Jessica Alba was adequately padded and freakin flawless. Why do they always succumb to that bone-protruding Lara Flynn Boyle image? Is that REALLY what the boyz are into?
Ben Stiller’s little skit was tiresome as are most of his gags. I haven’t liked any of his movies since Something About Mary.
I thought John Stewart did much better than Chris Rock. (Martin Scorsese..0 academy awards, Three 6 Mafia..1) (freakin hilarious)
is it me or do some of you people sound angry. some of the comments are down right belligerent. i thought jon stewart was good for the home audience than the stars in the theater. also, he’s a fake news caster, he’s not a laugh out loud stage comedian. it was good, not great but i still think he’s one of the funniest people in hollywood right now. the oscars def. need to be cut down to 2 1/2. i’m glad crash won, it was a great movie. anyways good recap, but still sounded down right mean. it’s hollywood ppl, get over it.
so Chris Penn died on January 24 and he made the memorium tribute. So did scottie and Barney fife get screwed?
jon favreau??..i have to read Schmeiser’s bit.
Either Ellen and maybe Vicnce Vaughn and Owen Wilson, or Will Ferell and Vince Vaughn could host.The article is right they should change the host by stop using comedians and try some hollywood personalities, but please NO Ryan Seacrest.
Thank GOD no one ever suggests getting Jay Leno.
I think Conan O’Brien would be good.
The ultimate would be Oprah..
she’d suck all the vanity from that Chandler pavillion into her body..”And the winner for best actress is….UMA THURMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UMA!!!!!!!!!”
Jon Stewart was great… and I agree, on a short leash, but all the same, I think he was pretty edgy, and a hell of a lot more natural than past presenters, Crystal et al…
In response to dj’s question… I see the Best Movie category as more of a collaboration between the efforts of the director, actors, cinematography, writing, all the elements of making a movie… but most importantly, as a nod to the producers and the big concept, and making it all come together. Even if you are the best director in the world, you can only work with the material you have (actor talent & the casting choices that brought them there)… and so on.
Hattie McDaniel attended, but was seated in the kitchen with the other “coloreds” (their term not mine). She was able to come out, accept her award, read a speech written for her by the studio (they didn’t trust her to write her own) and then she went back to the kitchen. When she won Olivia DeHavilland (long before her fight with Russel Crowe)was also nominated in the same category for the same film. When her name was not called she ran out into the lobby in tears. David O’Selznick followed her, grabbed her and told her that when she was Hattie’s age she could be upset, but as she was just a kid in her 20′s she better hold her head high, get her ass back in there and clap for her costar.
Yes, I know entirely too mucha bout GWTW.
read the Schmeiser bog. I agree that the whole “get a comedian to host” thing is incredibly tired. Getting “buddies” to host becomes a whole “bit” unto itself. The host just needs to move things along. The Ben Stiller thing sounds embarrassing..i missed that part. Sounds aborted..like most SNL skits. Now maybe if he came out in the green costume infront of a green screen and they supper imposed his head on king kong or brad pitt or angelina jolie while he rattled off the nominees..maybe you’d have a joke that went somewhere.
what was up with tom hanks? when he came out to present…he was swearing at someone off stage…
video is here http://www.defamer.com/hollywood/oscars/oscar-mysteries-tom-hanks-potty-mouth-158694.php
SO glad that Crash won – I honestly didn’t think it would with all the Brokeback hype. Crash made me laugh, it made me cry, it made me scream at my TV (luckily I didn’t see this one at the movies), most of all it made me think. It was a brilliant movie.
On a side note, did anyone see Zandra Rhodes??? I have no idea who she is, but omigod, check the pic:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v243/playtone22/eek.jpg
I liked Cloony’s speech and wished more people did the same. Hollywood should try to be relevent again. Then again, so should Congress… Jon Stewart was their way of trying to be current. But then all the speeches were the same blah blah blah…
Remember three years ago Micheal Moore was boo’d at the oscars for making anti-war statements? Shame on them!
I did not watch the Oscars since I have no interest in them but I couldn’t resist reading the recap and checking out the pictures. Hilarious.
*livemusicjunkie; whoa! that stuff’s so bright. it’s like she dyed her hair with kool aid, and that dress… DAMN!
juxtapoeser -
I believe Ton Hanks was going along with something Jon Stewart said when he introduced him. I don’t rememeber what JS said, but it was something funny.
Yikes, livemusicjunkie, you could have prepared us for what we were going to see by clicking on that Zandra Rhodes link. That was positively frightening. I checked her in imdb. She is a costume designer from the U.K., and must also be somewhat of a celebrity there because she has a few TV appearance as “herself”, including on AbFab.
By the way, is it just me or did JLo’s face look very strange and leathery? Was it a terrible spray tan or what? I have no idea. Salma Hayek was absolutely smokin’. Her picture is in every newspaper in the country. It’s amazing she isn’t an even bigger star than she is, since she has to be one of the hottest women in Hollywood, AND she can act.
GREAT Recap!
Crash was a steaming pile of shit. Melodramtic, boring, faux intellectual crap. Wait you mean you can be a nice person and racist at the same time? Wow, thanks for blowing my mind Crash!
On the plus side, Jon Stewart was hilarious as always. Also I love “It’s Hard Out There for a Pimp” and despite the many setbacks that Hustle and Flow has caused for black people everywhere, I am glad that song got an Oscar.
Also what was up with J-Lo’s awful spray on tan?
She is already a person of color- no need for the orangy fake stuff.
I’ll go back to quietly mourning the loss I think we all suffered last night. R.I.P. Brokeback Mountatin. Burn in hell Crash.
I don’t watch award shows. I refuse to watch actors congratulate themselves. Haven’t they been congratulated enough, for play-acting??
Also, didn’t see her, but there is no way to make J-Ho, oops, J-Lo look good. You cannot polish a turd. She is truly disgusting.
KH
JasonR- i think stewart did a great job as well, for the jokes he could tell without having people get mad at him like they did chris rock last year..i have a feeling that no comedian wants to ever host the oscars because they can’t say what they really want to in front of a bunch of stiff (physically and mentally) execs and actors. as for the reason why the actors weren’t laughing at stewart’s jokes: as simple (for stewart’s intellectual and complex style of humor) as they may have been, i just hink they went COMPLETELY over the celebs’ heads! i loved how, after stewart delivered a one-liner, the camera panned the audience, and you saw the stars either sit in a state of dumbfounded confusion or laugh WAY too hard because they didn’t want others to see that they didn’t get it.
KatiesHole- you’re right: i hate how actors get praised for “suffering” for their roles via losing/gaining significant amounts of weight or donning ugly makeup..it’s their JOB, for god’s sake! they’re getting paid more in one crappy movie than most people will ever make in their lifetimes..
i mean, occasionally, there is one or two phenomenal performances for every thousand flops..adrien brody was fantastic in the pianist..but do i think he sould be rewarded for it? his reward is that paycheck he got..and better film options…why actors need a small statue to commemorate their “success” is beyond me..at the end of the day, they’re just a group of ego-driven, attention-starved whiners
anonym (#40), you’re right as well. Similarly, Dennis Miller hosted an awards show not that long ago. The SAG awards, maybe? It was also painful to watch. His kind of humor just isn’t suited to an awards show. It is much easier to get laughs from much “safer” comedians like Crystal or Ellen.
if the folks behind ‘crash’ had simply picked up a copy of the ‘avenue Q’ cd and listened to the sweet, funny song ‘everybody’s a little bit racist’ they could have spared us being beaten over the head for two hours just to say the same damn thing. how does a flick that DOESN’T have the best editing, best score, best cinematography, best actors, or best director suddenly become the ‘best picture’?? something’s fishy .. if you catch my drift….
elpolacko
I think it was because anyone who had a SAG card and some extra time appeared in the film.
JasonR- yeah i remember when miller hosted some big awards one (i think you were right with the SAG awards)..and it was really painful to watch…the sarcastic, intellectual types don’t usually fare well with awards show crowds, but i’d like to keep them hosting because they’re so much funnier for me than boring, slapstic comedy or just lame jokes about other celebrities
The hole is pleased! I’m happy to know that other people feel the same way about overly self indulgent actors, these silly awards and why anyone should care who is wearing what? No wonder a large portion of the world hates America!
I think any paycheck Julia Roberts gets is better than any award.
KH
I continue to insist that the best way for the Oscars to recover its former glory is to make the nominated actors act as their characters throughout the ceremony. Can you imagine? Ennis and Jack getting oggled by Capote, Johnny Cash popping pills and seducing all the females…it would be 3.5 hours of non-stop awesome.
I enjoyed Jon Stewart as host and laughed often.
m_ruv…great recap…”the theme song to beef” made me laugh out loud.
livemusicjunkie…thanks for the picture of that hideous beast woman. It made me feel pretty.
DJO8901 (post #6), count me in as being confused by the distribution of the awards. I understand wanting to spread the wealth but the Academy should do so in a way that at least makes a little sense. Crash was the best pic despite not having the best director or any of the best actors, even in the supporting roles? The explanation I’ve heard that sort of makes sense is that tons of Crash dvds were sent out and was seen by more people than Brokeback. Even still, that should mean that the director of Crash should have won instead of Ang Lee. I doubt anything will be done about the inconsistencies because for the last few years now, there’s been a split between the winners of the major awards.
I loved Jon Stewart. I love him anyway! I saw him do stand up in October at Foxwoods and he was laugh-until-my-nose-ran-uncontrollably funny.
I saw a taping of the Daily Show in January (me? a stalker? no!) and it was a blast. His humor is more intellectual and probably DID go over the head of most attendees.
The show went on way too long (not Jon’s fault). Loved the recap, m_ruv. Pictures were awesome.
The message of Crash disgusts me. We’re all victims and victimizers, I agree. But for you to tell me that white people are as much victims as black people or Arab people, who after 9/11 suffered through so much racism in the US, is just appalling. That the oppressor can see himself as an equal to the oppressed is just dangerous.
What else did I not like about “Crash”? Ooh I don’t know.. how about the caricatures they tried to pass as characters, or the pretentious script, the lack of uniqueness in terms of its subject matter, and most of all the simplification of racism.
This movie has been done so many times and much better.
In a year where so many good movies(artistically and in terms of storytelling), they were all beaten by “Crash”? It’s a slap to the face on those movies and to art.
Just shows how important money and politics is when it comes to the Oscars.
Aries (#49)- Matt Dillon was nominated in the supporting actor category for Crash.
I really liked that film, and I like Brokeback too. As long as it makes me think about how I treat people who has the right to tell me what the message should be to me? I think it won b/c the subject matter was more palatable to the voters, even with all the hype for the other movie.
Aries (#49)-I went to a website (http://www.filmsite.org/oscars.html) that has a listing of all of the Oscar winners dating back to 1927. I spot checked a bunch of years and the top 6 awards have never been won by 6 different movies. I hope my interest doesn’t seem too crazy – I just thought it was interesting that this happened this year and it doesn’t appear to have happened before.
Zoobabe – I stand corrected. I guess I got so caught up in the Clooney vs. Giamatti race for best supporting actor, I forgot about Matt Dillon. And I didn’t mean to put down Crash in my post. I thought it was okay. But it just seemed weird for it to win best pic without any of the other major awards (except screenplay) that make a best picture THE best picture, like acting, directing, etc.
DJO8901 – thanks for the tip about the web site. It seems like the mismatch has happened more often than it actually has. I think it’s interesting too, especially when best pic and best director don’t match. Maybe I’m crazy too but that really pisses me off. I don’t see how you have one without the other.
I’m sure that Don Knotts, Jerry Orbach etc. were not forgotten, it’s just that they were better known for their work on TV. I’m sure that they’ll be mentioned during the “In Memoriam” segment for the Emmy Awards.
Jon Stewart was about as exciting as watching paint dry. Talk about awkward. Are they really having that hard of a time to find someone decent to host the show?
They waste way too much time trying to entertain us with sub-par quality segments that it’s no wonder that the show always runs late. It’s like they try “too” hard. They’re so worried that the audience needs to be entertained that it ends up being crap anyways. They’re better off skipping the acts in between awards, that way they can just concentrate on the awards themselves and the show will be shorter and we won’t have to sit through all that drivel that they make us watch.
I seriously wish someone would make an Ang Lee doll. I would love him and pet him and take him with me everywhere.
Wizzard- “Don Knotts…better known for their work on TV”. Nonesense, I loved his goofy 60′s and 70′s movies!! “The Ghost and Mr. Chicken”, “The incredible Mr. Limpet”, “The Apple Dumpling Gang” Need I go on?!?!? (haha) There were people in that montage that people in the audience didn’t even know. Don Knotts was snubbed! (He’s got a longer filmography than Richard Pryor)
And I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who thought “Crash” was a bunch of bunk (and I’m african-american). Way too heavy handed with the “message”.
I like Jon Stewart, but he was only kind of funny. Still, I hate Billy Crystal and most of the other usual award show hosts so it was nice to see Jon. I don’t care if the celebrities hated him because at least I enjoyed some of his jokes. Steve Carell and Will Ferrel weren’t funny, and Ben Stiller was really unfunny. When I saw the film noir posters I was like, “Why the hell do they have a bunch of film noir posters around the stage?” I’m a huge fan of film noir, but I have no idea why they did the montage. I hope people are joking when they suggested that Vince Vaughn should host. Unfortunately, I can’t think of anyone who would be a good host for the Oscars.
gasmgrrl, elpolacko and mizta, I think you should be my new best friends. I saw Crash in the theaters and I left angry, not because of the message, but because of how terrible the movie was. Every single “character” was just a caricature and every scene was just another chance for the movie to beat you over the head with the idea that everyone’s racist. I thought Brokeback was decent, but overrated. Still, it was miles better than Crash. I didn’t see Munich, Good Night and Good Luck or Capote, but almost any movie would have been a better choice for best picture than Crash.
I thought Jon Stewart was an okay host. He had several funny jokes, but some of them were not funny at all I don’t think. At least he was better than Chris Rock. I mean, I love Chris, but last year he crashed and burned. I loved when Billy Crystal hosted though. I really liked Ben Stiller’s green screen bit. Yeah, it was cheesy, but I really liked it. I also really liked Will Ferrell and Steve Carell’s presentation. I thought that it was really amusing. Frankly, I like the montages. I mean, I could’ve done without most, but I like the one where they do a tribute to those who have died in the past year. And I really hated the fact that three 6 Mafia won that award! Ugh! I can’t stand rap, and yeah, okay, it has it’s place in the music industry, but at the Oscars? No way. The class level plummeted at that point. Rap does not belong at the Oscars. And they looked trashy anyway. Baggy jeans and baseball caps and those horrible bandanas, yuck! And I couldn’t understand a word of the acceptance speech. I hope the Oscars never do anything like that again. I thought the highlight(s) of the night (besides Ben Stiller’s unitard) were the little campaign parodies, Lilly/Meryl’s amusing intro for Altman, Altman getting his award, and Reese Witherspoon’s acceptance speech. I also enjoy seeing the little clips of the actors and the movies. And hearing the score. And the original song nominees. (except the rap one) I guess I just love the Oscars! But it was kind of drab this year. There was this kind of awkward silence the whole way through. I liked 2004, when Crystal hosted because people actually laughed. And FYI, I LOVE the kiwi accent! It’s so different..all accents are so different, but i think the Kiwi one is the best! My dad’s a Kiwi so I’m used to it I guess. but they have the best accents ever. i hope pj’s posse keeps winning stuff.
Wasn’t that Rob Corgery who was doing the attack ads?
I love the Oscars and watch them every year and always enjoy them. Jon Stewart was fantastically funny.
They spelled Will Ferrell’s name wrong, by the way. Which I thought was hilarious in an “aristocratic hollywood vs sorta low-brow hollywood” kinda way.
The cutoff for the memoriam montage is Feb 1, so that’s why Don Knotts didn’t make it.
I think Adam Sandler would be a good Oscar Host. He’s a comedian, a singer, an actor, writer and producer so he can relate to most of the categories. Plus, the man is funny but not too political. He’d be great at the little spoof’s too.
This was a paid advertisement by the People for Sandler for Host.
As written by #59 “The class level plummeted at that point… And they looked trashy anyway. Baggy jeans and baseball caps and those horrible bandanas-”
So the almost wadrobe malfunction by the redheaded woman (we all know who I’m talking about) was class? And baggy jeans- are they worse than the fitted jeans the writer of brokeback had on? Huh.
Who let their grandma sign on to TVgasm?
Tinkerbell – Sandler as host may not be a bad idea. The only problem (and this may be the reason why everyone else has a hard time being host) is that he’d be put on a short leash (as someone mentioned) and he wouldn’t be able to cut loose.
mizta, well said about crash.
PixieGal- i believe it was stephen colbert who voiced the ads, i could be wrong though.
nocable- i agree completely.since when are baggy jeans less-classy than half naked women walking down the red carpet? i’m sorry..i’d rather see gold chains and grills over cleavage popping out of “dresses” anyday..but i’m a woman, so i guess that means that my opinion is null and void
the academy got it right?!?
crash = the best in 2005.
fans of the flick should check out “experience the film” through…
http://www.crashfilm.com
cool to see how other people interpret some of those scenes.
Sandler is a good idea Tinkerbell. He’s already proven his ability to calm down in Spanglish and Punch Drunk Love. You could serve “Sandler”wiches at your party if he hosted!