There you are! How are you, my gleeloveds? I feel like it’s been a while but that’s because it has been a while. Why do they skip a week every now and then? Anyone know? I guess I could look it up but I’d rather you tell me.
This week’s ep starts off with Finn and New Guy Sam getting all pruney in their own fancy hot and cold whirlpools and complain about having lady friends that won’t let them break out their wieners. When things get a little too hot and heavy for Finn he thinks of involuntary manslaughter. NGS decides that the Beiste will be his anti-muse.
In glee, Ol’ Goody Two Shues give the glang the breakdown on their competition for Sectionals. The all boys private school Dalton Academy Warblers and The Hipsters, who are a bunch of elderly people from a continuing education program. And guess who’s back? Or should I say, WHAT’S back!?
It’s Puck, the original version! Complete with cranium Speed Bump!
He’s gotten out of juvi early cause he promised his probation officer he’d help out his handicapped friend, Artie, instead of community service. Really though, Puck just ends up turning Artie into his own personal Meals On Wheels by hiding stolen cafeteria goods in his wheel chair.
Shue pulls Kurt into his office after seeing him get bullied by a meathead. In fact, the gay bullying seems to be getting out of hand. On top of that, Kurt feels isn’t feeling challenged and all this eludes to his leaving McKinley. If only he’d transfer to the old people school. I mean, WHY would the writers of Glee place him in an all boys school? What sort of shenanigans could Kurt get into with a bunch of boys? Hmmmmmmm? Sarcastic hmmmmmmmm.
Shue throws a curve ball at the glang and asks the girls to sing a boys type song and the boys to sing a girl type song. Kurt’s face lights up for the first time in a while, and next thing you know he’s referencing a feather and leopard skin diagram with the dudes of Nude Erections. Puck’s not havin’ it, and he tells Kurt to go check out their competition. And so he will. In more ways than one.
Quinn and NGS are making our in front a lovely fire when something (his WEINER) pops up. He tries thinking of the Beiste so that something will go away. (BTW, I’m not afraid to say it- “Penis!” Or “cock,” even! I just like the word “wiener” out of the whole lot. It’s the funniest to me. It always has been… HATE schlong. Hate it.) The Beiste method is working pretty well for NGS until he accidentally says the Bieste’s name to Quinn… The Beiste chopping meat in NGS’ anti-fantasies put a great big smile on my face. Because, what else would she be doing? Chopping meat, naturally.
Quinn is so distraught by what she heard come out of NGS’ magnificent, massive mouth, she goes to Sue for help. They develop the standard Sue Sylvester Revenge Plan and decide they need to turn the Beiste into the next Mary Kay Letourneau. That way NGS can marry the Beiste, have two children, and live happily ever after… Cause that’s what really happened, don’t ya know!
During lunch, Puck wants to make some cash so he and Artie bust out some Bob Marley. This is the FIRST time I think I’ve ever actually enjoyed a Puck song. Good on ya, Puck. There was still a little sneaky robot in there but I’m used to it by now, especially with him. Not my LEAST favorite version of “One Love,” anyway… They’re gonna take Brittany and Santana out on a double date with their money cause Artie’s decided he has feelings for Brittany after all. They’re going to Breadstix and I’m starting to wonder if there’s any other restaurant in town…
Kurt does some reconnaissance work at the all boys prep school. He asks one of them about the herd of boys in the halls and the dude explains that the Warblers are putting on an impromptu performance and they’re like “rock stars” there. THEN the hot dude takes Kurt by the HAND and, wait, it gets better, they run through the illustrious halls in slow motion, and wait, it gets even better, the hot dude joins the rest of the Warblers and the sing Katy Perry’s “Teenage Dream” to Kurt. I LOVE how they re-imagined this song. LOVED it. And in a cappella, no less?!? So let’s get this straight- an all boys, a cappella version of Katy Perry’s “Teenage Dream?” Holy shit, THAT’S awesome. BY FAR, one of my favorite songs to come out of Glee, if not my favorite.
“I’m singing about skin tight jeans while looking you directly in the eyes, la lalaaaa.”
I’m not sure what happened next or why quite yet but Mike tells Tina about NGS’ method of cooling down. For some reason this inspires them to make out in the science room and Tina get’s so turned on she pictures the Beiste in a tutu, smoking a cigar. Next fantasy the Beiste will be driving a semi, but in the meantime, Tina blurts out “Beiste” and Mike calls her out on it. Weird. And forced. And weird.
Quinn tries to make that scene in the hallway with NGS that her and Sue talked about, when the Beiste hears her name in passing. Shue shows up as Mike walks by and tells the Beiste to stay away from his woman. In the glee room, Shue tells Sam and Mike to spread the word that the Beiste as a cooler is NOT cool.
The Warblers invite Kurt for some friendly coffee and some explanation as to why he was spying on them. Kurt asks if they’re all gay. It turns out only the main hot one is, darn it. Poor Kurt. Then he and the out and proud hot gay guy have a chat about what’s going on at McKinley. The hot gay guy urges him to fight back. If it was me though, I’d go to hot gay guy school…
The girls of glee are planning their comeback from the technical loss from last year against the boys when trouble comes a wheelin’ in. Puck asks Brittany and Santana out by not asking them out on a double date.
The Beiste approaches Shue in the teacher’s lounge about the weirdness from the glang and Shue reluctantly gives her the scoop. The Beiste is so upset she throws a table through the window. No she didn’t. But she shoulda!
Puck is telling jail stories on his double date when the waitress drops the check. Puck wants to dine and dash and Artie is confused. But what’s even more confusing is that outfit Artie is wearing.
Brandon Walsh called on his giant cell phone and he wants he outfit back, Artie.
Artie can’t do it though, so Puck leaves him stranded. Ol’ Birschy is quite pleased with Artie. Dining and dashing is horrible, boys and girls! Do you know those poor servers have to pay for that out of their tips? That’s Fridays policy anyway. Yeah, I worked at Fridays. And yeah, I had to pay for some little shit head’s meal.
The girls perform a Bon Jovi/Rolling Stones mash-up of “Start Me Up” and “Hold On.” Think a lot of hair flinging, standing/ bending over, and looking over shoulder rocker lady type stuff. During the performance Kurt gets a text from hot out and proud gay guy, Blaine. Which I’m glad for cause I hadn’t caught his name earlier.
Sue has Two Shues meet him her in the auditorium to celebrate the Beiste quitting. The celebration even calls for a double confetti cannon blast and maniacal evil laughing.
Kurt decides he gets pushed for the last time by the meathead and he confronts him in the locker room. Not surprisingly, he tries to kiss Kurt. Not surprising in terms of plot and not surprising in terms of reality, y’all. Whenever I go to a pride parade and see protesters, I always tell them it’s okay that they’re gay and to stop hating themselves.
Shue yells at the glang for what happened to the Beist. Everybody feels all bad about it and Quinn realizes what was happening with NGS. Santanta proclaims the most awesome opposite after school special statement ever and, oooooh! I like Shue’s vest. I generally love everything Shue wears, but I am a lesbian so that makes sense.
Puck gets plucked outta class and a social worker ambushes him in Figgins’ office. He’s in breach of his probation. Puck flips out and KNOCKS THE FOLDER out the social workers HANDS. ANNNND he KNOCKS SOME BOOKS OFF OF FIGGINs’ desk! Ohhh MY!
Serious time, Blaine, which, btw, GOOD name. It’s sort of naughty and snooty sounding. I like it, I liiiike it… Blaine and Kurt decide to try and help the meathead in the closet. He isn’t very responsive to that and, even starts throwing his weight around again, this time with Blaine. Kurt pulls the meathead off Blaine and scares him away hopefully, for the last time. Kurt also reveals that the kiss from the meathead was his first kiss and Blaine offers to take him to lunch. I hope he takes him to Smooch Plantation instead of Breadstix. Wow! I’m clever. No I’m not.
The Shue finds the Beiste packin’ up her stuff and he tries to talk her into staying at McKinley. In the process, she reveals she too, has never been kissed… Come on, Will. You know what you have to do… Yeeees, you want her. Look at her, you know you do. Possible she wants you too. There is one way to ask her. It don’t take a word. Not a single word. Go on and kiss de girl. Sha la la la la la la, my oh my. Look like the boy too shy. Ain’t gonna kiss de-
Oh, never mind. De boy kiss dee, dee uuuh, dee girl.
Heckling aside, this scene was really very dear. AND I believe the ol’ Beiste has something that most would say lack in the characters of Glee. Depth… Girthy depth.
Puck’s about to skip town but Artie talks him into staying. Artie is gonna help him with geometry and community service, to which Puck replies, “that’s dope, dude.” Then they do that vagina shaped handshake. ADORABLE!
Kurt is staring at his Blaine/courage alter in his locker when the meathead tackles him from behind and really seems to hurt him. The poor little guy just sits on the floors of the hallway defeated. Yeah, he’s totally heading to prep academy. But we knew that.
The boys of glee dedicate their En Vogue/Supremes mash-up to the Beiste. The “Free Your Mind” half wasn’t very girly but I suppose it’s the message they were after. The “Stop! In the Name of Love,” half however was kinda cute. At the end, they bring it in for a Beiste filled group hug and everyone lives happily ever after. Except for Kurt…
You guys is it me or is this season getting better and better with every episode? I LOVED this episode. More than the last. It felt very first half of the first season…
Anywho, my gleeloveds, thanks for sticking with me.
Talk at you next week.
Yours and everyone else’s,
Glines O’ the Week
“I’m gonna have to go straight to the wound care center and stare at some wounds.” Sue
“Watch and learn young Jedi in a wheel chair.” Puck
“Watch your tone with me, missy. You crap on my leg, I’ll cut it off.” Beiste
“Finally occurred to them to stop singing about how awesome it is to be alive or ugly or whatever the point is you try to make.” Sue
“Can I just say that this is what happens when people don’t put out.” Santana