Baby Borrowers: Revenge of the Parents

Dear Crabby,

It’s summertime. Where can I find my fix of obnoxious teens, fretful parents, and teething babies (followed by toddlers, pre-teens, teens, and finally the bain of every driver’s existence, the elderly)?

-Couch Ass Groove

Dear Couch,

Check out Baby Borrowers on Wednesday nights, where all of that is rolled into one delicious hour!

Oh people, it’s like an ice cream sandwich rolled into a Philly cheese steak deep fried like fish and chips, it’s so good. Now unfortunately I missed the first 10 minutes of the show (I wish I could blame the DVR, but in reality, I forgot to set the DVR to tape it – there’s a reality show in its own right). But let’s meet the stupid teens that think playing house is all about romance and fun, and not about taking out the garbage, raising spoiled brats, bitter, seething resentment, and compromises to the point of nausea!

Jordan and Sasha have joined us from Texas and have been dating for a year. Both attend Texas Southern University and want to “prove to their parents that not all teens are irresponsible.” Why don’t you skip having a baby right now and focus on bringing their car back from the mall without any dents? Start small. The baby steps should be yours, morons.

Wow, your baby really matches…the carpet!

Daton and Morgan are 18 or 19 or whatever age their parents guestimated, and are the beach-bum surfing-skate-boarders who have been on and off dating for a year. Excellent base for bringing a human into the world, please procreate soon. Twenty bucks says these two end up being the swingers on the show and are the first ones who use the phrase, “Did we leave the baby at Whole Foods yesterday? Man, I got the munchies.”

Kelly and Austin are both 18 and are from Georgia, so I’m sure they are brother and sister or cousins or at least hear banjo music at family events. They call themselves “preppy,” but mostly they are “spineless” and “hormonal.” I’ll let you guess which teen is which. Kelly folds faster than a cheap chair, and Austin makes the consummate dumb-ass guy move that we will discuss later. Let’s just say every man watching was like, “Dude, you did not just do that! Dude. Dude.”

If you still sit on the counter to put on your makeup, you just

might be a redneck – uh, I mean, not ready to have a baby. And a redneck.

Cory & Alicea are 20 and 19 (doesn’t that make him too old?) from Houston, Texas. Cory has earrings the baby is going to love to tear out of his lobes and Alicea made me add her name to my computer dictionary because Microsoft Word spells better than her mother. Both were raised by young, single mothers and want to be young parents so they can “better relate to them and grow up with them.” Because if there is anything better than having 2 spoiled kids at home, it’s having four. Alicea is a spoiled brat who **Spoiler Alert** is shocked to discover that having a baby suddenly makes it NOT ABOUT HER. Apparently she didn’t relate well enough to her own young mother to know that.

Finally, we have Sean and Kelsey, who would make a great pair of Amish parents, probably because they are both from New Hampshire where we hear rumors they don’t have cable, electricity, or any kind of fondness for Vermont. Bloody foliage! Kelsey wants Sean to see that having kids “isn’t that hard” (I’m guessing her babysitting marathon was 3 hours at most) and Sean wants Kelsey to see that being a parent is a bitch-ass hard job that requires 24/7/365/70+ years of hard work, worry, and gas money/loans. Finally a teenager who has his head out of his ass, which I believe is probably a caption on one of his MySpace page pictures.

Grab a beer (unless you’re on this show, then grab a Capri Sun), and let’s see how this turns out!

All the teens are placed in really nice model-like homes in Boise, Idaho, because the one thing teens have coming out of high school is awesome FICO scores. If they wanted to make this more real, they would have shoved them into a studio apartment with a broken AC unit in the window and a drippy kitchen faucet so they know what it’s really going to be like. But maybe the parents providing the babies for this experience were like, “Oh hell no is my baby going into Section 8 housing.” Speaking of parents, they are all living in the same neighborhood for easy access to their kids and to any ass-kicking that needs to occur with the teens, and yes, it does occur. J’adore this show!

We skip the honeymoon phase and now move into T-minus one day until the bundles of poo arrive. The teens awake (so it’s probably noon) to a pregnancy belly gift, and the girls all have to wear it. I’m not sure how Kelsey is going to wear it, because she’s got some huge gozongas and I’m not sure how she will buckle it on. Sean is ecstatic because, “this is what it will be like for her for nine months if she gets pregnant.” Or at least for the last month since 24 hour old zygotes don’t usually add 50 pounds to your body the first day. “I’m keeping my fingers crossed that she will be miserable all day.” I’m torn people – I hope she’s miserable too, but what a douche for saying that out loud.

Switch over to Daton and Morgan, the latter of which must think the pregnancy suit is some cool, new floatation device for her surfboard. Morgan is enjoying it too much. Over with Kelly and Austin, Kelly puts hers on while Austin (here it comes) LAUGHS at her, and the few men who watch this show are all like, “You’ll be paying for that later.” And the rest of your life, if you marry her. Kelly is not pleased about wearing the pregnancy suit, but I bet next time she’ll read the fine print of the reality show contract. Austin goes back to bed and Kelly is pissed he laughed at her. Really pissed. And this volcano erupts like it’s on a Brady episode, and yes, everyone is about to get doused with viscous sulfur just like Marsha’s friends.

I’m a spoiled brat and YOU’D BETTER DO WHAT I

WANT I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL CALL MY DAD!

The teens are going to parenting classes this afternoon, because really it only takes that long to learn how to take care of a baby, and Kelly princesses, “I don’t wanna go!” because she’s fat – I mean, pregnant. She sits on the toilet, crosses her arms, and waits for Austin to do something. Austin puts on deodorant. She gets even madder, but Kelly, don’t underestimate powder fresh pits when someone is making fun of how low your boobs are going to get when you are done breastfeeding. Then she starts swearing and looking at him like, “Do something.” Austin, get out now while you still can! That look isn’t going to get any nicer 10 years down the road.

Kelly takes off the pregnancy suit and slams the door. Mature. Everyone is waiting downstairs for her while she spoiled-brats that she isn’t going. Austin says he giggled at Kelly because of how she looked pregnant and, “She didn’t like that.” No shit, Dick Tracy. “I don’t understand girls.” Well, that one is probably never going to change. All the other girls come upstairs to try to get her to come to wear the suit and come to the hospital, but she gets pissed, refuses to go, and slams another door. Seriously, we are one day in and already she needs voted off the island. Austin leaves her and goes to baby class. Maybe they will help in him learn how to deal with her!

Behind door number three? Five-headed Hydra called Kelly.

So they head off to baby class where the NBC censors apparently fell asleep at the wheel because some nurse actually has a mannequin of a woman’s lower half spread eagle, and pulls a baby out of the birth canal, and I immediately scream, “Sweet Christ did we have to see that?” If that didn’t put the words “birth” and “control” together for these kids, nothing will. Ick. Austin walks into the room alone and all the other guys are thinking, “Why aren’t you at Hooters?”

The Vagina Monologues: Baby Talk Edition

Another nurse hands out a “simulation baby,” which gives me hives, and tells them that it will imitate a real baby including crying, needing it’s diaper changed, and learning the phrase, “trust fund.” It finally hits Morgan as you see her mouth the words “Oh my God.” Oh my God indeed, teen mom. Babies stop the surfing and skateboarding very quickly, my dear. Then these dolls start crying and my dogs run from the room in a panic. I’m close behind them.

One of the nurses says she’s, “Very impressed with Kelsey, she’s very instinctual with the way she held the baby.” Yes, please encourage her to become a teen mom, moron. We need more of them. Sasha and Jordan were actually pretty good and respectful towards each other. Daton is also extolled as a potentially good dad at the same time Morgan says, “She’s a brat,” about the fake crying baby in Daton’s arms. Tony Hawk would be so disappointed in you.

Back at the house, Kelly is acting like a spoiled brat about the belly – it’s ugly, it’s heavy, it hurt. Yes, just like pregnancy, Mrs. Cleaver. At least you can take that thing off instead of having a baby elbow in your bladder for 7 months. “I was not about to walk out the door with that.” She said she didn’t think Austin would really go. Oh, that’s just his first step out the door, sister.

Austin walks back in the house and tries to snuggle with Kelly who turns her back on him. “Don’t touch me,” she says. Get used to that comment, Austin. Then she throws this all-out hissy fit like she’s twelve years old and does that whole “if you don’t know why I’m mad why should I tell you” bullshit that makes every feminist watching cringe. And renew her birth control prescription. Kelly slams the door for good measure.

The parents arrive home to find a roomful of baby gear including a baby crib (Morgan: “We have to put it together?”) and toys (Daton: “Toys!”). All Morgan wanted to do was take a nap. Oh, kiss those goodbye too. Jordan tells Sasha to go take a nap and he’ll put everything together. Smartest guy ever. Kelly whines about Austin leaving her behind, “I cried and cried and cried some more.” Her parents did a nice job raising a strong woman. Well, what can you do when cousins mate? Do I hear banjo?

Austin apologizes for laughing at Kelly and voices over, “When she gets upset, her emotions get out of control. Reality goes right out the window.” You know what will probably help that? Getting pregnant. It usually levels women’s emotions out. “You’ve got to learn to suck it up and kind of lose your manhood.” Wow. He learns fast. And so early. Most men take a few more years to become that whipped. Then he tells her he’s looking to her to be his “teacher” with this since he’s never been around kids. Nice save. They hug and he puts on the fat suit. Wow, he really gets into this losing his manhood thing!

“I’m going to play with these boobs all day!”

The teens all hang out together (Kelly sans belly because Austin still has dibs on it) and barbeque prior to the babies descending on them like frogs from the sky!

The next morning, fretful and crazy for doing this, parents show up to hand their children over to these dimwits to learn what it’s like to deal with a baby for real. Or at least for 3 days. Hope they are getting some kind of college fund set up for participating in this!

Oh my God, I just saw a commercial for an ABC Family movie called The Secret Life of an American Teenager where some bonehead teen gets pregnant (seriously, people, am I the only one who is sick of this whole teen pregnancy fad? Pregnancy-Pacts in Massachusetts, skanky Spears pushing ‘em out, and now ABC Family?). However, I’m more horrified by the fact that in this movie, the mother is played by 80s John-Hughes movie idol MOLLY RINGWALD! She’s playing a woman who is about to become a grandmother!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She’s my contemporary! THE HORROR! People, where’s my stylist? My hair has gone gray overnight (again)!

Wow, she’s not Pretty in Bloat, that’s for damn sure.

Goodbye, my youth, it was a good ride while it lasted.

It’s Day 3 of “the experiment” as they call it, and all the teens are crashed out because you know, they are teens, when the parents show up. Way to be prepared to show your responsibility! Now before we all panic, there are professional nannies in the houses overseeing the babies, and let’s face it, babysitting the teenagers. No harm will come to any child except for the foul language that gets thrown around indiscriminately by some of the teen moms. Nice.

I love to pull my own finger…it works every time…braaaap

Jordan and Sasha get theirs first, and I’m guessing there might be an awkward discussion later as they are an African American couple and their baby is white…looks like Sasha has some ‘splaining to do….They get little Shay who is quietly cute, I’m guessing because he just woke up from a nappy-nap. They go over the “big black book of how not to kill my child” (I leave a similar one for my dog sitters, aka “Mom and Dad”) and the mom tells them not to leave Shay alone in case he chokes. Yes, or just because he’s ELEVEN MONTHS OLD and shouldn’t be left alone, period. The choking is just a traffic cone to this construction site. Shay apparently eats too fast for his own good sometimes (I have a dog like that!) and chokes. I just Heimlich my dog and that seems to work. I’m guessing they probably should just pat the kid on the back a little?

Kristy and Daniel drop off baby Karson to Cory and Alicea who look at the baby as though he’s toxic waste. No, that’s in his diapers. Kristy and Daniel are hoping to school Cory and Alicea about raising a baby, and in about 20 minutes we’ll see graduation. Karson is a happy baby according to his parents, and at seven months old he’s in the midst of some major teething. “Teething” is code for “This kid is going to go ape-shit for most of his time with you.” Can’t wait for the teens’ responsible reaction!

Six month old Etta is being dropped off by her parents, Natalie and Chet to Sean and Kelsey. Natalie was a teen mom and says, “I had a lot of potential but never got to be the person I could have been.” Basically Natalie just admitted that her life sucks because she got knocked up. Now, I admire her honesty, but damn! Way to say that in front of your husband! Didn’t he have any potential? Etta, in true baby form, freaks out and starts crying, and Sean is like, “Oh crap.” That cute flower barrette in Etta’s hair isn’t going to make this any easier, Sean. However…Sean is kind of a natural at this.

“I bet she’s going to spit up on me,” he says. Well duh. Babies leak from every orifice, that’s just how they work.

At Daton and Morgan’s house, fretful parents Wiley and Leslie are handing over Miley (is anyone ever called Jane anymore?). Leslie is trying to tell them that Miley wakes up around 7 a.m. which is surprising to both Daton and Morgan because they had no idea there was a 7 in the a.m. Morgan is paying absolutely no attention to the directions Leslie is giving, and you can see that Leslie, clearly a hard-charging career woman, wants to fire Morgan right now. Morgan seriously looks at this like a game. Daton asks about diaper changing. Leslie says in an interview, “We’re a little nervous.” Really? Because you are leaving your baby in the hands of teens? Well, it’s not like she’s a nice car.

Kelly and Austin meet Zachary, the drooling son of Tara and Jason. He must have seen Kelly’s boob and was thinking about lunch. Kelly talks about how natural and comforting it felt to her to hold Zachary. Just wait until he does something you don’t want him to do – see how well slamming doors works on him!

Seriously, these parents must be crazy, I wouldn’t trust a piece of damp toast to these teens. Luckily, the parents get to watch every mistake from a monitor. Big Brother becomes Big Mother! They show the professional nannies standing around, but they cannot provide any assistance or advice, they are only there in case of emergency. Well, them and an entire production crew.

Your mother is watching everything you do,

so make sure she can see your hands at all times

In a wise move, all the men take off to the grocery store to get what the kids need instead of staying back with the babies. They bitch about the cost of Gerber…because they are paying for this with their allowance? Man up and get the name brand stuff!

Back at the houses, it’s naptime, which is my favorite part of the workday, but this one is for the babies. Morgan complains she’s so bored because her baby is asleep and she has nothing to do. Is there no TV in this house? No phone? No books? Oh, she doesn’t really strike me as much of a reader. Or how about taking a nap yourself since let me assure you, you are going to be UP ALL NIGHT LONG.

Alicea is “struggling” without Cory. Yes, because only combined can they function as one brain. “I never had a baby that squirmed so much.” Because you’ve never had a baby, I’m guessing? “Karson was just a grouch,” she complains. “He didn’t want to eat because he’s teething, he didn’t want to play with his toys…” while his parents watch on the monitor. “How am I supposed to feed him if I can’t F(BEEP)ing figure this out?” she says while fussing with the seatbelt on his high chair (smart one, Alicea is). The mom says, “She just said the F word.” Yes, she did. But Karson is teething so he’s probably saying it with every whine. No worries.

Karson seriously won’t eat, and she says, “Where is Cory with that Origel?” And condoms, she’s probably thinking. Cory pulls up in a minivan (it’s own kind of birth control) and walks into the house saying, “Honey, I’m home.”

“What the hell? Where have you all been?” Alicea says. Yeah, that won’t make him want to come home anymore. “You haven’t done anything today.” How long were those guys gone?

“I was at the grocery store,” he says back.

“Oooh-oooh,” she snots. He sighs.

At Morgan & Daton’s house, Morgan does not look pleased (get used to that sentence). Daton wants to know if she knows how to sterilize bottles. She doesn’t look like she knows how to wash her hands. “In hot water, right?” Science major?

Morgan washes the bottles out the same way she probably rinses a Mountain Dew can, then asks, “What do you want me to do with these bottles?”

Daton answers her slowly, “You-have-to-wash-them-out.” Tool.

“I did!”

“You have to wash them then put them in the dishwasher.”

“I know!” Then why did you ask? He smarts off that she doesn’t know what she’s doing and she says, “Then you do it!” and storms off. This is why you shouldn’t have a baby right now. Because you ARE one.

“You didn’t do anything today,” he says to her, “except for hang out with the baby.” Oh, man, even I know better than to say something that insensitive, and I’m insensitive!

“It’s confusing,” Morgan says off camera, “one minute we’re getting along and the next we’re not.” Maybe that’s why you’ve been on-again/off-again, because you are dumb ass teenagers with raging hormones with no knowledge of interpersonal communication skills.

Back to house of teething, Alicea is trying to shove food down Karson’s gullet and he’s freaking out. No wonder, look at her nails! He probably fears for his eyes. Damn! Kiss those goodbye if you have a baby, not to mention that anvil-sized ring. Are you trying to maim the poor kid? “Open,” she demands. He doesn’t. “Fine. Starve.” Karson’s mom is watching on the monitor and she is pissed.

Please! I love my new eyes! Don’t gouge them with your gels!

“She’s just giving up, she’s not even feeding him,” she says. No, she’s feeding him, he’s just not eating. Subtle difference, but difference nonetheless. Is it weird I feel for both of them? Because I don’t. So mom decides to step in. She goes to the house and when she knocks Alicea says, “Who the hell is knocking at the door?” I bet she hates knock-knock jokes.

Oh, bitch, you did not just suggest my baby starve.

So mom comes in and says, “I’m concerned he hasn’t eaten much baby food, just the bottle, and you have to learn to be patient. You just can’t say ‘Fine, starve.’” Alicea starts getting all defensive about how she’s trying to feed him and finally says, “What makes me nervous is that I don’t know what y’all want.” Uh, they want their kid not to starve. She interviews alone, cries, and says, “There’s no need for the attitude that she got,” which is the equivalent to saying, “Why don’t you treat me like an adult, oh wait you are, and it sucks.”

Back in the kitchen, mom watches over Alicea as she feed Karson (who is now eating, of course), and mom says, “Once you take a step to becoming a parent, it’s not about you anymore.” Alicea tosses her hair over her shoulder and gives mom a look from hell. I think you lost her when you said it wasn’t about her anymore. She does not comprehend those words when linked together in the same sentence (neither do I, which is why I have dogs).

Bitch, I will totally cut you if you say it isn’t about me one more time

Alicea says, “Now it’s going to be even more nerve-wracking because I’ll wondering what I’m doing wrong now and is she going to barge through the door all pissed off again.” She didn’t barge in and wasn’t pissed, she was offering firm advice. Drama Queen, calm down, you didn’t break one of your talons. Cory walks in and Alicea says, “I’m over it, I have to go pee,” then gives him instructions about feeding him fruit. Instead, she just goes and lies down on the bed and totally and completely checks out.

Cory walks in and asks her if she’s going to help out at all. She says, “I don’t want to take care of it anymore.” She interviews, “I don’t want anything to do with it. Period.’ Babies: 1, Teens: 0. As it should be.

Meanwhile, in responsible teen land, Sasha and Jordan are learning to change diapers. Their baby, Shay, CONTINUES TO POOP AS THEY CHANGE THE DIAPER. And I threw up a little in my mouth, because really? Gross. Shay’s parents have a good crack up at this one. Jordan does a great job of putting on the diaper but then we are edited right to a scene where Shay won’t shut the hell up, as babies are wont to do. Sasha says she doesn’t know how much she can take of the screaming and crying without knowing what to do. Don’t worry, I’m sure your baby will be different. “It is awful.” No shit. No, wait, there’s a lot of shit.

Man, you really need to stop eating Indian food,

it’s like a lava flow in here

“This is hard,” Jordan says. Send him to Harvard, guy’s a genius.

Better you than me, SUCKA!

Honey, Let’s go to Applebee’s.

Back at house of beach bums, Daton and Morgan are trying to calm Miley down by acting like a shot of espresso.

They bounce her, show her the window, rock her, shake stuff in her face, show her a lamp, show her a flower, and shake her legs back and forth yelling “Bicycle! Bicycle!” in her face, and suddenly I want to cry and poop they are upsetting me so much. Oh, the Starbucks generation. Calm the hell down already.

CALM DOWN or I will shake you like a British nanny!

Suddenly Miley is in the high chair and she totally Exorcists all over the high chair. It’s about damn time.

What it looks like when you are a baby…

…and what it looks like when you’re rushing the SigEp house.

Either way, your parents are just as proud.

Morgan takes her into the bathroom to wash her off and Daton says, “It’s not her bath time yet.” Are you kidding me with this? It is ALWAYS bath time with babies, they are perpetually sticky.

“I know, but she just threw up,” Morgan says, as if Daton wasn’t there for the barforama. How stoned is he? “I’m stressed.” Remember this feeling because when you have kids, it never goes away!

Meanwhile, Sean is bonding with Etta much to Kelsey’s dismay. She’s upset because Etta likes Sean more than her, and he doesn’t have any experience with kids. Etta cries in Kelsey’s arms until she looks around and sees Sean and then she stops. That’s gotta hurt Kelsey. But then Etta starts crying non-stop and Sean asks her, “What’s wrong?” like she’s going to answer that she’s upset about Dirt being cancelled (which PS, blows big time!).

I’m eating for two…eventually.

That evening a note is left for the teens letting them know one of them has to go to work while the other one stays at home all day. Anyone with a triple digit IQ is going to choose going to work, but something tells me reality TV will not fail us, and the jobs are going to suck to add drama. I loves me some drama! Jordan says it’s a hard decision. Austin calls work. So does Alicea (hope she has to clean fish guts). “I don’t want to have to deal with the mom,” she says. “I don’t take shit from anyone.” Then you probably shouldn’t have a baby, because that’s pretty much their contribution to most of the conversations.

Oh, I’m going to act like this at work, too, see how that rolls.

Kelly is rocking her baby, Sasha is rocking hers, Morgan is rocking hers and all the babies are crying, well, like babies. Miley’s dad shows up (mostly because I’m guessing the mother threatened to go in and kick herself some beach bum ass) to help the kids through the parenting process. He tells them to play with her, talk to her, let her be herself…act like parents! He’s pretty cool with them and says just chill, just settle down, calm your voices, and know that patience comes with it, it doesn’t happen overnight. They actually do calm the rocking down and calm their voices, and Daton says, “You only have to stay with us for three days,” and Miley screams. Amen.

Etta is screaming at the top of her lungs and Kelsey says, “This is not the happy baby we were introduced to earlier today.” Maybe the baby has a split personality? “My energy is just drained out of me.” Yeah, that’s called being a parent and if you do it right, you ARE exhausted at the end of the day. He suggests putting the baby in bed and Kelsey is worried she’ll just start crying.

“So just keep her up all night, who cares?” he says. Nice guy. He keeps telling her to put “it” in the crib and if they had earplugs they wouldn’t have to listen to “it.” He thinks if they keep Etta up when they give her back to the parents she’ll go to sleep for five days straight. Does he not know they can see and hear him? Because he might want to shut the hell up.

Etta’s mom is watching the monitor and says, “She’s had no clothes change, no diaper change, no bath to indicate she’s going to bed but they can’t get her to go to sleep.” I know I can’t go to sleep without all that done either, which is why I just put a couple shots of bourbon in a sippy cup and hope for sweet dreams. Mom is ready to go over and kick some ass! Go mom, go!

“I need to talk to both of y’all, without Etta in the room.” Because you’d have to spell everything out to hide what you are saying?

“Both of us?” Sean asks. No, you and Yosemite Sam, dumbass.

Mom goes through her list – no diaper change, no pajamas, no bath, etc. – and says, “I didn’t come over here for those things. I came over here because you said ‘Leave her in the other room because she’s going to cry anyway’ and it really upset me.”

“I was kidding, didn’t you see me laugh?” Sean says. Laugh when it’s your kid. Or at this rate, your iguana.

“IT…IT is a little girl,” the mom spanks Sean. Good one, mom. But she softens and tells Sean, “You don’t give yourself enough credit, because she is comforted by you.” Aww. “She’s bonded with you and then you are saying something like that.” Ouch.

“I was kidding,” he says again.

I’m a tool, but I know it, so it’s okay.

“But you don’t get it and you need to get it,” mom says. Hope she means a vasectomy. “I know you all are tired and frustrated and I get that way too, but you just don’t get to be that way.” More people should go through this because really, raising kids is hard work, and it’s never, ever over. Just ask my dad who couldn’t get ahold of me one evening, drove by my house, didn’t see any lights on, then tag-teamed with my mother calling non-stop one evening when all I did was go out shopping. Who knew Target’s evening hours could cause such distress in a dad?

Kelsey, because she’s a total sweetheart, is in tears because she feels like she failed. She’s embarrassed that the mom had to come over and smack them (Sean) down. Then Sean is all like, “This is working out really well in my plan [not to have kids just yet]. I thought Kelsey was going to cry.” Hey Sean, she DID cry, pay attention. I think he’s more embarrassed than anything. Sean is going off to work tomorrow as Kelsey stays with “crybaby here.” Long day ahead.

The narrator reminds us that it’s only been 12 hours with the babies, but the parents are feeling the strain. Good, they should. Parenthood is not something to be taken lightly. Trust me, teens, have your fun first, then have kids if you still want them.

Then we see a montage of screaming babies, exhausted teens, and Goodnight Moon who just will not go to sleep.

Aww, so cute. Looks like the Benadryl in the bottle finally worked!

Next week, a bunch of really smelly and skanky teen parents are waking up at the crack of baby. Kelsey says “Shut up!” to Sean, babies poop everywhere, Jordan rubs his head, and babies scream. But the most fun is Alicea. In the production crew’s infinite wisdom, they give her a construction job. Alicea says she hates it, probably because it’s hell on her talons. Hmmm…Alicea doesn’t like taking care of a baby or manual labor. Enjoy your career as a pole dancer, you’ve earned it.