Baby Borrowers: Parents Foreclose!

We start Baby Borrowers this week with a recap of what happened previously, which can be summed up by calling the teen parents what they are: Dumb and Dumber. However, they do show previews for next week, and it looks like naked + toddler = pee on the sofa. I can’t wait for that treasured use of HDTV.

Do I call Coit or Orkin? Hard to decide. Burn the cushion, though.

We begin this evening – oh, excuse me, this morning, at 3:14am. See, I’m usually asleep just like the rest of the unencumbered single people so it’s hard for me to imagine being up at this ungodly hour unless martinis are involved. Baby Karson is crying his little lungs out as babies are apt to do, and of course Alicea will be dammed if she’s going to get the kid. Cory walks into Karson’s room saying he doesn’t know what time it is because he didn’t look at the clock. Dude, it’s the middle of the night, does it really matter if it’s 3am or 4am? No. Your night is ruined either way. Alicea continues to sleep. Wonder which one of them is going to escape to work today?

Daton and Morgan are in bed and Morgan begs Daton not to go to work. Morgan, you do know we can see and hear you, right? Well, you did get sick days in the real world, but you may want to use them more judiciously than “just because.”

Alicea and Cory are attempting to make Karson breakfast. They need to mix ¼ cup of cereal with “a liquid.” As you can imagine, this kind of chemistry is way beyond what either can handle. Plus, Alicea is a mess. I mean, I know she just woke up and all, but damn, she certainly grimes up during the night. Cory says he knew Alicea would be no help with Karson, but “what can I do, you know?” Yes, I do know, RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN IN THE OTHER DIRECTION! Trust me, given how little Alicea likes to exert energy, she won’t run after you. Alicea gets mad because she’s too dumb to make baby cereal, and tells Cory, “Don’t f#*&#^& bother me again.” Done and done!

Back at Sean & Kelsey’s abode of “This ain’t fun anymore,” Kelsey turns into a 10 year old who forgot to study for a test, and she’s got a tummy ache. Call the Waahhhhbulance. Honey, if you are still faking tummy aches, get yourself to the nurse’s office instead of the real world. It’s much quieter. Sean is trying to leave for work but can’t seem to escape which is too bad, because Kelsey looks worse than Alicea. You know, I once heard Julia Roberts say about younger women, “You can’t out-kitten the kittens.” You could in this neighborhood because all the kittens are feral!

Sean says “Kelsey decided to get sick,” which is an interesting choice of words because clearly he knows she does this. “I can’t leave a baby with a sick person.” Yes, you can, you just put the baby on the sofa next to sickie, say “Man up, bitch,” and walk out. Kelsey gets up, goes into the bathroom, and shuts the door. Mature. And Sean loses out on the $100 he was going to make for the day. Wasn’t Kelsey the one who said raising babies wasn’t hard? Too bad you can’t see me do my “I told you so” dance, it’s pretty dorky but the point does get made.

The crying is coming from inside the crib!

Back in the cul-de-sac de Huggies, Cory is trying to feed Karson while Karson’s mom says, “There is no way I’m leaving him home with that girl today.” No worries, Alicea’s off to work today at the Bada Bing Club, so she’ll only be with your husband, not your kid.

Cory says, “I don’t know what I’m going to do all day.” Really? Because I’m pretty sure you’re stuck home watching a teething baby all the live long day. Alicea walks out. Great mom.

So long suckers, I’m off to work at Hooters

where I’m under qualified!”

Back to Kelsey in the bathroom, crying her eyes out because she wants her mama or baa-baa or nuck-nuck whatever. Etta’s mom says she remembers times when she’s been sick and you know what, the baby still has to be fed, and bathed, and changed, you know, like real life. It’s not like faking cramps to skip swim practice, this actually counts. Kelsey caved faster than I thought she would. Have her put on the pregnancy suit so she can go back to dreaming about how wonderful having a baby is. So much easier than the real thing. “It’s a cop out,” Etta’s mom says.

It’s the first day of work for these teens and for some “it’s the first time they’ve ever been employed.” The hell you say? Are you freaking kidding me, that some of these losers have never had a job? NEVER? Well, that would explain why a lot of kids show up at my office for interviews in sloppy clothes, chipped fingernails, bed head, no resume, and “Unemployed and Lovin’ It” captions on their pictures on MySpace.com. (Those are all true, by the way). Parents, make your kids get a job at some greasy dive so they can appreciate what crappy work is really like. Oh, who am I kidding? They will never get a job what with your open pocketbooks.

Wow, he’s graduated to twins!

They’ll look great as trim for gloves!

Austin is working at a feed and pet store that clearly sells ferrets, very big in Boise I’m guessing. Jordan earns his money at a veterinary clinic where he is pulling maggots from a rabbit’s…ass…? What the? Oh, bunny, what did you eat? “I never thought I’d be pulling maggots from a rabbit’s butt on the first day.” Yes, Jordan, that really is a day three assignment. Daton is employed at a coffee shop, which actually sort of fits him, and the trainer of foamy milk seems much nicer than Morgan and is probably Daton’s next girl friend. And Alicea? Spending 8 glorious hours working at a lumber yard. I say glorious because it is for us. She, on the other hand, is one lazy bitch who finds no joy in, well, breathing. Particularly sawdust. She yawns. Okay, that goes on a little too long. We get it: You’re bored. Subtle.

Am I getting more boredom across to you? No? Wider? Wider?

A guy at the lumber yard is trying to show her how to nail pieces of wood together with an automatic nailer. This is going to be way harder than cereal, I can tell right now. She’s working with sheet metal and wood, and she’s barely wearing two camis and a belly button ring (or that’s fuzz). Hope she had her tetanus shot! Please let this end with her getting a nail to the temple! Please! “Oh, wow,” the guys says, “That’s way off.” And we all know how well she takes constructive criticism.

If you hit me on the back real hard, my face will stick like this!

“My first day at work sucks,” she says. I get the feeling every first day of hers sucks. Can you imagine if she won the lotto? “Trying to cash this oversized check at the bank sucks! The teller sucks! All this money is heavy and it sucks!”

Awesome, she just did the eye roll. This girl is so stupid, where does she go to school? The admissions officers should be fired. Oh wait, I just checked…the big news on her school’s website? A theater production about a frog that dreams of flying and a crane that dreams of swimming. Wait, is that early Shakespeare? Them’s kids is smarte. Cory, stick to the chicks from Texas State.

“I’d say about 50-50 she’s going to quit. Or get fired,” her trainer says. But…isn’t that always the case? Fifty-fifty either way? “If I were her supervisor, I would have fired her by now.” Fire her anyway, she probably doesn’t remember who her supervisor is.

“This job can kiss my ass,” she says to her trainer. That will be hard with your head so far up it.

Back in the cul-de-sac du diaper bags, Karson is crying. I guess that isn’t news, but God bless Cory for keeping it together, and I really mean that. (Actually, I have a healthy disrespect for organized religion, so I could have just as easily said, “Satan bless Cory,” and I would have meant it just as much). Meanwhile, Morgan flipped out and put Miley in jail – no wait, that’s a baby gate – and cannot seem to put a baby Bjorn on. A little more complex then a thong, huh, Morgan? Kelly is playing hide and seek with Zachary and his blanket. Man! Kids always fall for that, it’s amazing.

“I can’t do this,” Kelsey whimpers. Good news Kelsey, Sean is doing all the work. You know how you can tell? Because you are a quivering bowl of Jello and you haven’t done a damn thing! If you are just going to sit around, at least run up and get a shower. Do you ever see those women at the store and think to yourself, “Damn, when did you stop caring?” Now we know. The doorbell rings and Sean is like, “I’ll just send them away.” Doesn’t work that way Sean. Etta’s mom is coming to kick some whiney ass.

“Can I talk to Kelsey?”

“Ummm…” Sean says. There is no “Ummm” buddy, open the damn door for the baby’s mother!

Kelsey sees Etta’s mom and starts crying and reaches for a hug. She’s not your mother! Then she really starts crying. “Let me talk to you,” Etta’s mom says.

I’ve completely fallen apart after 12 hours with your child

“I’m not coming to take Etta away,” she says. Yeah, that’s for DCFS to do when you have your own kids and you pull this crap. “I’ve been where you were and you sound like me when I was your age, and I’m still that way, I’m a perfectionist and I don’t want to fail at anything.” Folks, if you are a perfectionist, for the love of God, don’t have kids. Have you seen them color? You’ll kill yourself.

Who you gonna call for Kelsey? Not Ghostbusters!

Kelsey continues to hyperventilate and breakdown like she’s the personification of the Glass Menagerie. She sobs out, “I’m-not-ready, I definitely want to wait a little more,” and Etta’s mom looks like “You got that right and thank God you figured it out now before you lost all of your potential like I did, oh, I hope my husband isn’t watching!”

Back with Kelly and Austin, Kelly has totally found her groove with the whole mom thing. Probably because Zachary isn’t teething. She is really good with her baby, very calm and nurturing. Oh, here it comes: Kelly’s mom wasn’t home when she was little, she was in a daycare from the time she was born and I’m guessing she’s looking to make up for that. She feels more of a connection with Zachary in a day than she ever felt with her mom. No worries, her mom is probably working right now and isn’t watching the show. Phew! All things considered, she does seem like a good mom. “The urge to have a kid has grown.” Fine. Just get your degree first, that’s all I’m suggesting.

Kelly and Cory decide to go to the park for “baby R&R.” Then Kelly ruins the whole thing by asking if Karson “did a stinky.” Yet another reason I can’t have kids…no baby talk. I can do doggie baby talk, but those are completely different things. I think. Anyhoo, Karson has poo’d up a storm. Awesome! Let’s go to the tape, which is blurred out to my relief. Cory is totally grossed out because he is, uh, human. But Kelly gives him a good walk-through on changing a diaper. She should consider writing a manual.

I wish I could blur out this memory like the censors

are blurring out this kid’s doodle!

“Poopy diapers are like throw up, you know?” No, they’re like poopy diapers. Trust me, it’s the same amount of grossness. “The smell of it, the look of it, just makes me sick.” See? They are the same thing. He uses like ten thousand wipes getting that kid’s butt clean. “I can’t believe he pooped.” Yes, it is odd a baby would do that. “That’s sick.” No sicker than when you do it, Cory, just fewer baby wipes. I’m guessing.

Karson is having a major deja vu from when he was just a sperm.

Thanks awkwardly shaped slide!

The workday is over and here come the troops…everyone’s happy to be home except our gal Alicea. It must be exhausting to be that, well, teenage all the time. I’m too old to remember. Austin calls Kelly, “Perfect” as a stay at home mom. She really kind of is. But I’d like to see her when the kid actually freaks out. Swap Zachary out with Karson, see how that plays, like swingers for the under-2 set.

Cory begs Alicea to take Karson off his hands so he can, you know, breathe for one damn minute, and she refuses. She is going to make someone a great partner someday. In crime. “You have to take care of him the rest of the night, cause I’m not. I’ve been doing this shit all day today and yesterday. You haven’t been doing shit.”

“I haven’t been doing anything?” She asks him. He, and the nation, say, “No, you haven’t.” Unless complaining is a career and if so, I’m going to make a fortune!

“I’m not doing this all night again while you sleep your ass in,” he says. We’ll see how long he keeps that promise.

“You try to act like it’s so hard for you, it’s hard for me too,” she says, rolling her eyes. Yes, sitting around is quite an Olympic feat.

“Welcome to real life,” Karson’s mom says. Alicea isn’t even close to real life. “You go to work and you come back, and you still gotta work.” You know, that makes my heart just sink. A little lower than where it already resides.

Alicea and Cory argue more about who works harder, and she finally says, “Then tell his mom to come pick him up.” Good plan. But what do you do when it’s your kid? Oh, right, YOUR kid won’t act like that. Except he will! D’oh!

Over at Daton and Morgan’s house, Morgan shows off her baboon-like manners by shoving a whole mouthful of dangling spaghetti into her mouth. Klassy with a capital K. She’ll be working the pole right next to Alicea. Even baby Miley’s like, “Damn, use a spoon and twirl!” They are learning that “having babies means less alone time.” I’m going to give a big doyeeee shout out to parents everywhere. DOYEEEEE. “It’s putting a strain on their already rocky relationship.” Yes, if your relationship is rocky, nothing will stabilize it like someone who needs your attention 24/7.

Daton wants to head to the skate park and Morgan is going to tag along, much to Daton’s dismay. (Daton’s Dismay, the new show from the CW, coming this fall!). Miley is looking at these fools like she knows they can’t do long division, but she can, and with no remainders! Clearly this baby has worked pi out 10 digits, and Daton and Morgan can only eat pie.

“What if there is nowhere for you to walk?” Daton not-so-subtly hints.

“Then I’ll walk in the street,” Morgan says. And I swear, Miley tips her bottle up as though she’s chugging a bottle of Cuervo Gold just to get through her evening. Eat the worm, Miley, eat it! “I want to watch you skate.” And watch is exactly what you will be doing.

Wow, family time…is spent very separately!

Wow, Daton is such an…average skate punk. “I’ve probably only worked 8 hours my entire life, let alone in one day,” he voices over. Oh Gen-Whine, you make my teeth hurt.

“Having the baby around does make it more difficult. I don’t get a lot of time alone with Daton…I don’t even know what he wants anymore,” Morgan says. He’s an over-18 guy who is skate boarding. He wants a bong. “Are you ready?” she asks, standing up. Translation: I am, so let’s go.

“Let me try this real quick,” he says. Bet that’s not the first time she’s heard that.

“I don’t know where I stand in this,” Morgan interviews. “I’m just really confused.” That seems like a pretty static state of mind for you, sweetheart.

Now it’s bedtime and the teens are putting the babies to bed. But for how long…Waaaa…Oh, Karson, you are my favorite. Cory tries to get Alicea to get the baby, but you know, she’s a bitch. He gets up and brings the baby back to bed.

Karson may need a feeding, but that nip ain’t looking too appetizing

The baby cries and she refuses to wake up. Maybe she’s narcoleptic? “Alicea is Alicea,” he says, quoting Aristotle. “It’s either her way or no way, there’s no getting around it.” Are you sure? Because I’m pretty sure you can break up with her. Two and half years is a long time to be with someone so obnoxious, and I’m betting she ain’t that good in bed, except for maybe the dirty talk. “I’ll have to get through this baby thing on my own. I have two babies right now, one little one and one big one.” He should have saved the poopy diaper and shoved it in her face. Just a suggestion for tomorrow.

Finally! We’ve found something she can do well!

Next morning, Alicea is already bitching about work, and maybe Cory will go for her?!?! If Cory is smart, he will totally jump at this chance to get away from her. Tell her you are going to work and you can be in Mexico by sundown, my friend. “I’ll go to work and she can deal with the baby all day.” This won’t end well. Well, not for her, but for us it’s a boon!

She’s once again trying to figure out how to make baby cereal…”Do they mix it with milk?” she asks to Cory who totally and completely ignores her. Good for you, buddy. “ANSWER ME!” Oh, that’ll work.

Karson’s parents say she’s not vested in doing anything. “Work doesn’t matter to her, being there doesn’t matter to her, Karson doesn’t matter to her.” She is a gem, that Alicea.

She keeps trying to ask Cory what to do and he takes the first step towards freedom, “I don’t know, read the box.” Boo-ya, in your face, beyotch. Unfortunately, she never made it past the Dick and Jane: So Very WASPy series in school, so reading directions really isn’t going to work.

Back with Kelsey and Sean, the announcer says, “Kelsey has decided that the best way she can be a parent to Etta is to earn money working at a classic drive-thru diner.” Wha-huh? Wha….wait. What?

“Hey mom! My boyfriend broke up with me, can we talk?”

“Just as soon as I finish roller-skating this order out to parking space #24! One banana split, coming up!”

Day three with the babies and the teens are off to some crazy baby class that gives me hives. It’s “The Little Gym,” which is like Bally’s for Babies. This is going to suck. For the teens! The teacher is a cross between Raffi and Richard Simmons, and he keeps calling the babies bugs. As a single career woman, I see them more as leeches than bugs. “Help her understand that crawling motion,” Raffi Simmons tells Sean. Because thousands of years of evolution skipped this baby and she won’t be able to figure it out on her own?

Just keep repeating, “I’m a MAN, I’m a MAN, I’m a MAN!”

Kelly is loving life chasing Zachary all around. The motherly feeling “comforts her” and makes her feel “good about herself.” Wow, her mom should have set a portion of her flex spending aside for therapy for Kelly.

Then Miley throws up, which Raffi says is normal. You know the rule, wait two hours after a bottle before bugging around the gym! Morgan makes sure the teacher’s assistant knows Miley isn’t her baby. Really? Because she’s half Asian and half African American, so she does look like you, blondie.

Jordan comes home exhausted, but I think the fact they haven’t been showing a lot of Sasha and Jordan is because they are very mature and treating this like a really important learning experience. Boooring. They probably sit quietly in the evening and read…books! No one wants to see any lessons learned! Let’s see the bratty teens, not the mature ones.

Here’s another surprise! The teens’ own mothers are visiting! Those kids better start apologizing now, and saving up for some totally kick-ass Mother’s Day present after seeing what goes into being a parent. Sean looks embarrassed his mom showed up, but only because she shoved a binky into his mouth. Just kidding. Sean already had one.

The doorbell rings at Jordan and Sasha’s house, and he says, “God, who is this?” The angel of death? Come on, Jordan, how bad can it be, you’re on reality TV. Oh, wait. Sasha sees her mother and starts screaming and jumping up and down, then she starts crying her eyes out, probably because she’s so tired and can’t remember who this lady is.

Morgan totally does not want to hug her mother but is happy to pass Miley to her mom. “How long are you here for?”

“Three hours.” Morgan is pissed because that means she’ll have to start watching the kid again.

Alicea’s mom explains to her that they need to throw away the old diapers. Oh. My. God. When someone has to tell you to throw out USED diapers, you probably should wait to have kids.

“Whatever,” she says. With her mothering skillzz and housekeeping acumen, Alicea is an amazing catch! She makes me think about switching teams just so I could live out my days with her sunshiny ways.

“You still want a baby now?” her mother asks Alicea while comforting Karson.

“Yeah, just my own,” Alicea snots. Yes, because your baby will never teethe, poop, or cry. Or exist.

“Yeah, but you may not have a chill child,” her mom says.

“So.” What an ignorant, rude, awful person this girl is. Her mother did a horrible job, I don’t care if she was single and struggling, teach your kids manners.

“America, beat yo children!” – Bernie Mac

“You may get a baby that’s all colicky on you, like you were.” I don’t think that was the problem. “Your own grandmother called me and said ‘Come get her’ because you were just a pain in the biggest ass.” Or the biggest pain in the ass, depends on how much back Grandma was sporting. She probably wanted Alicea out of her house when she saw the beginnings of horns and the 666 only previously seen on Damien’s head. Also, throughout this whole conversation, Alicea has the weirdest nose rubbing/picking thing going on. If she eats it, I’m out of here.

“We get a sucky job and a kid that won’t stop crying,” Alicea says. Yes, that’s what happens when you have a baby as a teenager. Alicea’s mom tries to explain that you have to take sucky jobs to support your family if push comes to shove, and Cory acts like Alicea and says, “I wouldn’t take it.” Yes, you’d let your family starve. These kids are so stupid. Texas public schools, you owe their parents some money. Who the hell was governor when Alicea and Cory were attending school – oh, never mind. Give the $7.99 you clearly spent on educating these kids back to the parents and let’s call it even.

“I had to have two jobs to support me and Alicea,” she says. Or she just didn’t want to be near Alicea, let’s take that into consideration. “It’s not that easy. You all think we shit money and that’s not the way it goes.” That would be so cool! I would be downing Ex-Lax like an anorexic. The coolest, most ironic part of this whole scene? Karson is fast asleep in Alicea’s mother’s arms. In your faces, brats! That kid is OUT.

Back at Kelsey and Sean’s house, Kelsey says with some irritation, “Sean’s a good mommy and daddy.” Bitter much?

“Kelsey,” Sean’s mother says, “This surprised you.” Which I’m sure just pissed Kelsey off more. “Not a bad thing,” she quickly recovers.

“I had to change diapers three times today,” Sean boasts to his mother. “Kelsey was working so I had to do everything.” Ouch. He reiterates he doesn’t want to do this soon and Kelsey agrees. “So you don’t want kids anymore?”

“Shut up!” Kelsey says, but doesn’t answer. Yeah, they’ll be breaking up soon.

Back as Sasha and Jordan’s house, Sasha’s mother asks, “What do you think about taking care of a baby?”

“It’s hard. You can’t do it by yourself.” Yes, because it takes a village. And a nanny. And two incomes. And an XBOX you cannot afford. Disposable income or disposable diapers, you make the choice. For me, the decision is as easy as sleeping in on Saturdays, having nice furniture, and affording expensive wrinkle creams so the hospice workers think I’m pretty as I die alone but rich.

This is me at 86.

Sasha’s mother is proud of both Sasha and Jordan for their maturity and how well they are handling things. Trust me, these kids are going to become neurosurgeons and have kids in their own good time. Kids they will raise with good manners and strict curfews, and who will become neurosurgeons too. Alicea’s kid? Juvenile delinquent whose mugshot she’ll frame with pride as she pops a Marlboro.

“This is my first daughter and I just miss talking to her,” Sasha’s mom says, tearing up. Sasha’s mom rules! This is a good mom right here my friends.

Morgan, on the other hand, has become an entire attitude-on-wheels with her mom. “Geez Morgan,” Daton says, “I know you’re mad but…”

“Seriously, mom, why don’t you ask me what’s been going on with me and my life?” Morgan whines.

“So what’s been going on with you?” her mom asks.

“Seriously, you don’t even give a shit,” Morgan says. Uh, she just asked you what you asked her to ask you. Go with it.

“I’ve been trying to ask you but you don’t want to talk about it…” blah, blah, blah.

“I think your three hours are up,” Morgan says. Brat.

“Sorry to disappoint you with coming, Morgan,” her mother says as she leaves.

Four more hours until the parents pick up their packages…Etta farts. Miley punches Morgan (it’s about time someone did, and Morgan, consider showering before being on TV, what’s with these girls?), Zachary chows, and parents freak out about seeing their babies again.

It’s about damn time someone took care of business.

Shay’s parents show up first and Sasha’s face says it all: I am totally taking a nap when they leave. Zachary’s mom freaks out at the door and she is so happy to see him. Karson’s mom is just thrilled her son’s alive while Miley’s parents are totally cool and hugging all over her.

For the love of God, woman, get me out of here!

Miley’s dad tells Morgan she needs to sit down and talk with her mother and then the weirdest thing happens. Miley’s mom starts crying about how Morgan and her mom are just like she and her own mother, and they really need to work it out, and I’m wondering if this show just became Dr. Phil’s House of Painful Stories, Season 5. Morgan is faking interest. Miley’s dad is totally cool about telling Morgan about how she’s going to need her mother as she gets older and has her own children. He’s so cool and calm, you just know Miley ain’t ending up on the pole, you hear that Alicea?

Channel Medusa lately? Get a comb, you hippie.

Zachary’s mom tells Kelly and Austin that they created a wonderful home for their son and she starts bawling her eyes out, then Kelly cries, then they think of how bad a mother Alicea was and they all cry more.

Jordan and Sasha get high marks from their baby’s parents for being nice and respectful to one another. Good for them and their future careers as doctors AND lawyers AND teachers AND firefighters all rolled into one. These kids are good eggs. “I was so blessed I had you,” Shay’s mother tells them. Aww.

Hooooly God, this was hard!

Sleep or the sweet relief of death. I welcome either with open arms.

Karson’s mom gives Alicea and Cory a mediocre ass-kicking that I was sincerely disappointed in. I was hoping for some major fireworks, but I guess neither one of them would have really listened. If I had been Karson’s mom, I would have been so far up their butts the proctologist would have been like “DAMN!” She says she thought they were selfish (true), hurtful (true), mean (true), negative (true), and basically the worst parents ever (true). They should be neutered right then and there (triple dog true).

Your parenting skills have driven the bile to the tip of my tongue.

Be glad I’m not spewing it at you, you selfish little bastards.

Alicea gets defensive (I know, shocking) and says that Karson’s mom should have had better advice for her and not “come after her” that first night. Alicea has a very strange opinion of criticism and people “coming after her.” She felt attacked. Don’t tell someone’s kid to “starve” then expect gentle, helpful, Strawberry Shortcake-meets-the-Smurfs advice. Then Cory pipes up that they’ve never had to work on anything together so the teamwork thing is foreign to them. So…he’ll be a bouncer at Bada Bing and you can work together that way. And again? Karson is fast asleep.

Etta’s parents tell Sean they are proud of him and how he stepped up, but were disappointed in Kelsey for “checking out.” Amen. “You weren’t working because you wanted to work, it’s because you didn’t want to be here.” You’ve got that right. Kelsey’s tubes spontaneously tie themselves shut.

Ironic, isn’t it? I’ve decide I don’t want kids, yet I have to go pump!

So…babies out, toddlers in. The terrible twos meet the terrible teens, and I have to reiterate that pee on the sofa is funny when it happens to dumb teens, and not to me when one of the dogs freaks out during a thunderstorm and decides my green velvet sofa looks like grass. Let’s hear it for Scotchguard and 24 hour upholstery cleaners. YAY.

You’d better have learned your lessons or I will come back a WHUP all your asses!