Baby Borrowers: Terrible Twos Meet Terrible Teens

Dear Crabby,

Where can I see toddlers terrorizing teens?

-Couch Ass Groove

Dear Groove,

Once again, Baby Borrowers has all of your answers…and noxious defecation to boot!

We do a quick recap of the previous Baby Borrowers and as my friend’s two year old niece sums up nicely: Blah, blah, blah. Get to the terrorizing!

We open on a bunch of skanky, smelly teens still sleeping in bed at 7:30am on a Sunday morning, or “Day 6 of the Experiment” as the announcer likes to taunt us. What do they have waiting for them? Toddlers! In strollers! On bikes! On…leashes? People, that demeans all of us. Unless, of course, there’s a choke chain at the end of the leash. Then it’s just flat-out funny.

This is not calm submissive! Where is the choke chain?

Arriving at Cory and “Momma Bear” Alicia’s house bright and early is a mother with her child who is clearly OCD about ringing doorbells. You are dropping off a toddler first thing on a Sunday morning? I don’t even mow the lawn on Sunday until noon! We see Alicea and Cory not waking up, and Alicea is wearing some tragic eye makeup while sleeping. Honey, you can do that now, but once you hit 30 you may consider some cold cream to get that off. “Ring it again,” the mother says. She’s gotta be enjoying that.

Alicea slithers out of bed as though she’s surprised to waking up in a proper bed versus some anonymous bartender’s sofa. She gets to the door, realizes humans are on the other side, and calls for Cory. Would you not want to at least have a cup of coffee before this, maybe even a shower? You have a clock, I bet it even comes with one of those new-fangled things called ALARMS. Look into setting it once in awhile.

Working mother Danica is handing over Isaiah to Cory and Alicea. Sweet Christ. Did she bring an extra bag of blood with him, you know, just in case? “The couple did not do well with Karson,” the announcer says. Because Karson has better taste in parents? “They are hoping for a more positive experience this time.” Then you might consider acting like adults, you’d be surprised how many problems that can solve, except on the freeways where we all become Neanderthals.

Isaiah is thinking, “Oh HELL no!” Danica is hoping the fact that Cory and Alicea can “try it before they buy it” will help them think twice about having kids too young. I’m guessing working mom may also need a couple days of quiet time so she can remember that she’s human.

Get me the F#%$ outta this nuthouse!

Daton and Morgan will be burdened not once, but twice, with Lily and Colton, a.k.a. “Pain” and “Ass.” Yes, they get two kids! Serves them right, although I’m not sure I’d leave two pieces of rotting fruit with them. Colton’s birthday was a couple of days ago, so the parents are expecting Daton and Colton to throw him a birthday party. Look, I’m all about making the lives of teenagers hell, but a birthday party for a little kids after his birthday? That’s just rude. And cheap on the part of the real parents. And the last party Dalton and Morgan two threw probably involved drinking bong water, and not out of sippy cups. I don’t think. Well, I guess they’ll be really good brownies between the kids games!

“He’s starting to be potty trained, so he will take off his diaper and pee wherever,” the mother says. This is precisely why I never attended frat parties in college. Her daughter laughs, probably because she’s never had to clean it up. Morgan’s face says, “Yeah, I think I’m out on the next plane.” Amen, sister. And take a shower already.

“We’re baaaaack,” says…Etta’s mom and dad! They are bringing already-frightened-to-her-inner-core Kelsey and good guy Sean back another one of their kids. Wonder if they are just shopping them around? I mean, their kids are pretty good looking, I bet they’d bring in a pretty good chunk of change if sold on the black market. Kelsey’s face has a smile that secretly is saying, “Son of a bitch!” They are dropping off their son Ninja – no wait, Benjamin – nice annunciation, professional announcer!

Etta’s mom says the magic words, “He’s potty training, he’s not potty trained.” Now say the next magic phrase, “And he’s as terrible two as they come.” His shirt has a graphic of one of those sticky nametags with “Hello my name is” on it, and the name? Trouble. These guys are in for one shit-kicking time, and I mean that literally as well as figuratively as we see in an upcoming scene I will only call **spoiler alert** “Poo on the Foot.”

If you don’t go potty the next time, this is your punishment!

Enjoy the splinters!

Kelly and Austin will be watching after twins Miles and Finn. At least Kelly and Austin had the forethought to get up, shower, and have coffee before taking on the responsibility of taking someone’s kids for a few days. Good for you, teens! Personal hygiene is one the first levels of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, just above “breathing” and right below “buying video games.” They open the door and say hello and the kids walk right on in. No stranger danger here, kids!

Kelly says, “Oh man!” Oh man indeed. “One was hard, will two be more complicated?” Um. Yes. It actually works geometrically, so two kids is like having four kids, three kids is like having nine kids, and so on and so on until you are a small African country. Plus, these kids, unlike your baby, can actually walk and rest assured it will never be in the same direction. Please, please, please say the magic words parents. SAY THEM!

Daton and Morgan’s minivan

“My advice is do anything during the day to exhaust them,” the mother says. Like give them Benadryl? Because Austin looks like he could make that trip to the drugstore lickety split.

Over at Sasha and Jordan’s house, what looks to be a teen mother herself (I will need the name of your eye cream, lady…call me!) says, “This is Luke. I should start off by saying he’s pretty easy to take care of.” YES! I love it when things are jinxed like this, because you know this kid is going to be a bloody nightmare for Sasha and Jordan. What the hell, they could use the airtime after last week’s success-fest.

“He normally doesn’t cry, or anything like that.” This kid is going to cry like it ain’t no thing, let me tell you that right now. Why does this lady lie? For fun, just like I do. And you do look thin in those jeans, I swear. “He’ll go to sleep pretty easily.” Crabby’s prediction: No one will be sleeping except Crabby’s dogs. Which, yes, on last check, they were sound asleep.

The announcer reminds us that the parents can watch from the houses across the street, a.k.a. “Within running distance should anything happen,” and the professional nannies are in the house to make sure the teens don’t break the kids. Thank goodness for that. I should really take the time to read the nanny blog on their official website, but she’s probably being nice instead of dishing on how she’s really there to babysit the teens, not the toddlers. Our secret, shhh!

So, let’s begin. Sasha and Jordan are hoping this goes as well as last time with the baby, which cues Luke to begin crying, and for some weird reason Jordan closes the curtains on the kitchen window. Are they going to put the smackdown on this kid? Because, uh, well, they should really wait until the cameras stop rolling to do that. Jordan and Sasha handle this by just saying, “Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,” which makes me cry more than this poor kid. How about talking to the kid instead? Try to find out what is wrong or divert his attention to something?

Yes, hey, hey, hey, isn’t that what horses eat? Can we move on?

“Hey, hey, hey,” maybe they forgot his name? How embarrassing. The mother is watching and says, “Sasha and Jordan don’t know what they are doing, they keep saying hey, hey…” I hear ya! “I don’t know if he’s even heard that word before.” My guess is there are THOUSANDS of words your kid hasn’t heard before, so I’m not finding that as compelling an argument as “those teens are morons.”

Sasha keeps holding him and bouncing him up and down – why not put him on the grass and see if he wants to play with the swings or slide or something? I know if I’m having a crappy day, all I need is something shiny to divert my attention. Come on, Jordan and Sasha, don’t fail us this week! Sasha finally gets Luke to drift off to sleep. Praise Jeebus!

In the next scene, Jordan has apparently joined a gang judging by the panty-hose-thing/hat he’s wearing wrapped around his head. Guys, that’s not like fedoras in the forties. You look like you are wearing a condom on your head.

Having grown up with her family taking in foster kids, Sasha is well-versed on how to handle young children. “You’re going to have to learn you can’t get frustrated all the time, he’s just a little boy,” Sasha says. Such the voice of reason. Let’s see if she follows her own advice or if this episode of Baby Borrowers takes a nasty turn. I vote nasty turn.

Daton and Morgan are heading to the grocery store to buy things for Colton’s birthday party. Nothing makes life easier than shopping with two toddlers! Especially when their parents use that ginormous grocery cart that looks like a car, the one that takes two air traffic controllers to maneuver through the store. I love getting caught behind those, especially when I’m reaching for my fiber in the cereal isle and believe me, by then I need it. Morgan pics out a cake for the birthday, then wants to buy frozen food because if there is one thing a toddler loves, it’s Lean Hot Pockets.

“We’re not getting frozen food, it’s not on the list,” Daton says. Way to think outside the box, Daton. He doesn’t want to waste money. Well, good for you. Now view the maturity in it’s natural habitat:

Morgan: Fine

Daton: Let’s just by random stuff, right Morgan?

Morgan: Uh-huh

Daton: Waste money

Morgan: Yeah

Daton: You’re trying to get all this stuff

Morgan: No, I’m not

Daton: Yeah

Morgan: No

Daton: Yeah

Morgan: No-o

The level of their conversation is almost mesmerizing. What an awesome belated birthday this is going to be!

Morgan interviews, “I wish the relationship I was in wasn’t so up and down.” Oh, Morgan, it’s not a relationship, it’s some guy you bang when you get really drunk. “It messes with my head and it messes with Daton’s head, and it’s like…stressful.” Now replace “head” with “hair” and “stressful” with “confusing,” and I think we’ve got a more accurate statement.

Sean and Kelsey are watching Benjamin the Terrible Two who loves to poo. Let’s see how it’s going! Wow, Benjamin is in the bathroom sporting an awesome plumber’s helper, the ass crack. Good for you, buddy. They can blur out that picture all they want, but he has obviously poo’d up his crack. This never happens with dogs, people. Sean pulls his shirt up over his nose, but cotton cannot mask the smell.

“Potty training is so disgusting,” Kelsey interviews, “I mean the smell is just awful. It makes me so sick.” Then they show a blurry picture of all the poo on their white, fluffy bathmat. Oh, editors, how could you? Why do you hate us? Benjamin is in the tub for a hosing off while Sean picks up the bathmat so he can go burn it with lighter fluid and the Bic lighter I hope they keep within a child’s reach. Then they show a picture of all the poo in their nice bathtub, and I throw up a little as she hoses him off under the tub faucet. If she really wanted to stop him from doing that, she’d use ice cold water. Sean is shown in the back hosing off the bathmat. Please put it in the wash with bleach, and do it at someone else’s house, preferably in a neighboring state.

“Kelsey didn’t want anything to do with Etta, but she’s all over Benjamin. She doesn’t mind cleaning up his poop,” Sean says, surprised and sickened at the same time. It is sort of interesting how well some of the teens did with the babies and how well some of them do with the toddlers. I fear both.

At Daton and Morgan’s house, there is a huge nest of wasps in the backyard (way to go NBC realtors!), they decide to move the party to Kelly and Austin’s house, without, you know, really asking Kelly and Austin if they could. Talk about sucky neighbors!

Morgan could not be doing less if she were dead

So all the teens and their toddlers head over the Kelly and Austin’s house to play and have Colton’s birthday party. All the real parents are in one room watching this debacle with fear and glee – a weird combo normally reserved for boys sneaking peaks at their dad’s Playboys and realizing they prefer men.

All of the kids are running around playing in the kiddie pool, hosing each other with water, and basically freaking out like kids do. “Somehow,” Kelly interviews, “the party moved to our house and they brought all the kids and mess to our house…they really take advantage of their neighbors just to get out of doing things.” Just wait until they ask to borrow the hedge trimmers…good luck getting those back!

One little kid walks by – is it Colton? And Morgan pats his diaper and says, “Look at that load,” and truly, it is a dangling load of crap that swings back and forth. Way to smash it into his butt, Morgan.

Swing low, sweet chariot…of poo!

“I don’t really think Colton knows it’s his birthday, it doesn’t feel like it’s that big of a celebration,” Kelly says. Well, that, and he is two, so he sort of doesn’t have the ability to figure things like that out anyway. Colton is sitting at the table in just a diaper (good look), looking at his birthday cake. The other kids are looking around like, “Wow, this party really sucks!” And it does.

The parents watching, particularly Colton’s, are all like, “It’s a party, how can you tell? There are no decorations, no presents, no fire trucks, no pony.” You know, I hate the parents right now because they are making me side with teenagers, and no adult ever wants to do that! But seriously, their kid’s birthday was a few days ago. It’s over. Move on. Expecting another birthday party just because is sort of rude.

Sasha tries to feed Luke some cake and he turns his head away and whines. I guess he’s only good for his mommy? Word to the wise, girl babies – he’s a momma’s boy! Morgan takes a bite of cake and once again proves how much she needs a lengthy stay at a finishing school. No one wants to play see the food you are chewing WHILE you are chewing it, dumbass. So what we have at the end of the day is mostly naked, sticky from cake, crying toddlers. Where is my Xanax, people?

Morgan is sitting on the couch and yells, “Did you go poop again? YOU DID GO POOP! Come here!” and she grabs Colton by the hair and pulls him over to her while he yelps like a puppy, smells his butt, and yells, “UGH.”

Man, you could really use an air freshener down here!

Sean firmly suggests she change it because Colton is jumping up and down on the suede sofa and he doesn’t want it dripping down on it. Lesson #459,680 of having kids: You can’t have anything nice until they leave the house for good, which is usually never. Then Morgan makes the move du jour, she grabs Colton by the hand and drags his mostly naked body across the carpeting saying “Don’t mush it in!” DCFS is not going to like those rug burns! And neither will his parents who freak out watching this. Where the hell are the professional nannies? Probably writing in their diaries.

This is the worst handbag ever!

Colton’s dad says, “We’re going to have to tell them not to drag him by his arm.” Ya think? So Morgan decides to change him on the carpet, smooth move, and here’s what she does – moves the dirty diaper out, puts the new one on without wiping him, and viola, diaper done! Kelly is mortified and is looking around at everyone else with her “there is no way that just happened” look which is pretty adorable.

You can just hear the diaper rash developing. It burns!

“She just left the poop on him!” She says. “If I were his parents, I’d be pissed.” No worries, you’ll have your own pissed parents on your hands in a few scenes. “Morgan is a slacker,” she continues. “She lets everyone sort of do her job. Everyone else was cleaning up but her. I was like, can you like, grow up? At all? Please?” Man, even Alicea was pitching in, so you know Morgan is one lazy bitch.

After the party, back at Kelsey and Sean’s house, Benjamin is throwing a fit. Sean says, “Do you want to go to your room? Then stop crying.” And Benjamin does for a split second, then freaks out more. Sean takes him up to his room and shuts the door for his “time out.” Does shutting a kid in their room really work on two year olds? Seems like that would freak them out more, I don’t know.

The doorbells ring on the houses and they get mail – someone has to go to work tomorrow. How come I don’t get one of those every Sunday? Oh yeah, because I ALWAYS have to be at work on Monday, you know, if I want to eat. No one needs to remind me. Kelly wants to go to work and Austin is all worried that the kids won’t get taken care of and she says, “The won’t get taken care of?” to which Austin says, “Not as well as when you do it.” Oh, it’s about to be ON.

Austin interviews, “The southern traditional family is the man goes to work and the wife stays home and takes care of the kids. That’s how I was raised.” Uh-huh. And tell me, Austin, since you were raised in the traditional southern way, how many slaves did your family have? How’s that cotton gin working out for you? Any problems paying for things with that Confederate money, you stupid-son-of-a-backwards-chauvinist-prick?

I’m a total and complete asshole, and a scourage against people with

triple digit I.Q.s. Oh, and Susan B. Anthony needs to shut it!

“You should experience what kids are like all day long,” Kelly says. She must be punishing him for something.

“I know what they’re like all day long,” Austin, who shall henceforth be known as Asshat, says. Of course you do, that’s why you want to pussy your way out of staying with them all day long! He’s the kind of guy who says he’s “babysitting” his kids. When they’re yours, it’s not called babysitting, it’s called RAISING.

Asshat goes to take a shower bitching and moaning, and Kelly tucks the kids in for a nap. She then makes the sweet move of heading next door for a cup of celebrate-this-moment-in-your-life with Cory. Cory? He’s dating Alicea, which means he’s got bigger problems then you trying to decide if you want babies and a career, which you know deep down you don’t want, you are just arguing with Asshat to argue. “That’s not fair,” she says about having no choice but to stay home. What’s not fair is that this world still has to deal with Asshat’s attitude.

The bigger problem? The twins are left unsupervised. This really surprises me – did Kelly think they were sleeping? Even so, seems like you may want to have at least one parent keeping an eye on the kids, right? Seems logical, what with all the trouble moving kids can get into, like falling down and you know, dying. The announcer says, “The nanny shadowing the couple finally has to intervene.” Well, I’m not sure she really did – all she did was come in and fluff up one kid’s pillow; they weren’t in any real danger what with the fifty cameras on them.

Oh my God, are you kids okay, sitting in your beds,

propped up on pillows? Phew, crisis averted!

Nanny 911 goes in to see Asshat to tell him about it, and he is a total and complete tool to her. While she’s telling him that the kids were unattended because Kelly left, he’s looking through his closet for his KKK costume for later. He totally and completely blows her off, and she walks into the closet to explain that it’s unacceptable, they could have gotten hurt, etc. and all Asshat says is, “Why did she leave?” and you can tell Nanny 911 thinks he’s a douche as she tells him to communicate better with Kelly. Hope they get their asses handed to them by the parents.

Uh, Asshat, could you take a break from being a

douche monkey and listen to what I’m telling you? Asshat?

Asshat goes into check on the kids and says, “I’m going to sit in here until you all go to sleep.” Why don’t you tell them a story, like maybe something along that lines that it’s good that they are boys so they don’t have to stay pregnant and barefoot all the live long day? HATE. HIM.

Who’s in time out now, bitch?

Then he interviews that it was totally unacceptable for Kelly to take off, which is true but doesn’t excuse his Asshattery. When she comes back he tells her he got yelled at for her leaving the house because he was in the shower. She tells him to chill and doesn’t seem that worried about it. Then they get in a huge fight about how dirty the bathroom is, how he should stay home, then he gets up in her business and says she should have worn the belly that first day, that she should have gotten over it, and I’m starting to hate them both all over again.

But wait – fun awaits and Daton and Morgan’s house. You know this is going to be sweet. Colton is running around sans diaper per his usual agreement with the world, and Morgan and Daton are just whooping it up. Colton then proceeds to pee all over their sofa. “Get a diaper on him now!” Morgan yells. It’s a little late. You need to expect this if you are going to free-range toddlers.

This is why you can never have nice stuff. The indiscrimate whizzing of a toddler

Daton does the play-by-play, “He just put his hands on his sides and peed all over.” Yes, thank you instant replay. Daton picks up the cushion and throws it on the floor and Morgan yells, “Daton, get a sponge.” And lighter fluid. Colton’s parents are cracking up.

Burn it like a Salem witch!

“This is where they run screaming for the condom isle,” she jokes. They’d better get the hell out of my way! It’s coupon day!

The announcer says, “Sundown brings with it one of the hardest parts of parenting.” Deciding which kid to sacrifice to the Gods so you can get some sleep?

I do have to say there is nothing funnier than watching kids try to fight sleep, and there is a cute one of one of the kids (they all look alike to me, maybe they are from Village of the Damned sperm?) holding a bottle and his lamb toy and his head totally nods off and curls over the lamb, it’s pretty cute even to a Grinch like me.

I think my heart just grew three sizes. Crap.

But no, the teens are just trying to put the kids to sleep. I mean, to bed. Luke is still crying his eyes out over at Sasha and Jordan’s house. Sean is trying to put his crying kid to bed in just a diaper – didn’t these kids come with clothes, or do you have to buy them separately like with Barbie dolls?

Over at Cory and Alicea’s house, Isaiah is freaking out because really, no kid likes to go to bed. All the cool stuff happens then! She is actually very sweet and comforting towards him, probably because he’s mother isn’t “coming at her with criticism” the way the last crazy one never did. He’s bawling his eyes out and she’s being so sweet to him. She starts rubbing his back until he falls asleep, “finding her maternal side,” as the announcer says. Her mother must have sent it to her from home in a care package.

I know, honey, reality TV sucks, but America’s hooked!

Luke continues to try everyone’s nerves over at Sasha and Jordan’s house, and all Sasha can say is “Hey, hey, hey,” HEY, learn some new vocabulary. What happened to the neurosurgeons of last week? You’ve become concrete blocks! Luke’s mom is not handling this well and starts to tear up and cry.

This goes on for three hours. People, I am not kidding. Three. Hours. I mean, what the hell do you do when that happens? Martinis? In the baby’s bottle or your own? Help me out here. That would make anyone nuts, and I even wonder how the camera crew has not let a mic or a boom or a gaffer or a best boy fall on this kid just to knock him out and shut him up. The thing that finally puts him to sleep? Sheer exhaustion. Been there, kid. Don’t fight it so hard next time.

I guess my thought is how did Sasha and Jordan expect that kid to go to sleep in the middle of your 1000 watt bulb in every lamp living room? Shouldn’t it be a dim, quiet, soothing room? I mean, I can fall asleep anywhere, but not everyone has that gift.

Sasha is going to work, and it’s the first time she’s ever worked. Parents please! Make your kids work already! It will help them when they reach what is called “the real world” and they have to do things like show up on time and actually use their heads for something other than a gang rag. Christ! She heads off to work completely exhausted. Sean peels out of there and Daton is close behind. Kelly takes off much to Asshat’s dismay. He says, “Kelly always gets her way but it was just easier since I was on the fence about staying home.” No you weren’t. You totally didn’t want to stay home but she’s got your balls hanging from her car’s review mirror so you caved. Only the house slave knows that about you, southern master.

Kelly is working at the pet store, moving the ferrets to yet another location. Who knew they were so transient? “It’s good for [Asshat] to stay at home with the kids so he’ll understand what I’m going through as a stay-at-home mom.” Assuming he sticks around after this “experiment.” Speaking of which, Asshat is at home dealing with giving one of the twins a time out.

“I’m very overwhelmed with the two of them, they instigate each other,” he says. One of twins starts crying and he says, “What are you crying about now?” Probably your back-ass beliefs, and they look like Union boys to me, Asshat. Better watch yourself, they might instigate your employees into asking for 40 acres and a mule and your wife into demanding the right to vote. Now both the kids are crying and he’s just standing around. Why isn’t he playing a game with them or running around outside? Why would you just stand around and hope the kids stop crying. Idiot.

Alicea’s killer nails are dialing her mommy because she’s homesick. “I wanna come home,” she says. But her mother won’t have any of it. Isaiah wants to know why she’s crying and she says it’s because she misses her mom, and Isaiah tries to comfort her. Awww. And? This is why you should wait to have kids, because you STILL ARE ONE!

Sean is filling the tartar sauce cups at work and is waaaay behind the other teens who really need to work for a living, while Cory sweeps up the saw dust kicked up by Alicea when she was “working.” Sasha did okay at the vet’s office.

Jordan and Luke have bonded because Jordan plays a lot of games with Luke. Crazy how keeping a two year old busy will keep him from crying, although clearly Luke cheats at bowling. There is an absolutely adorable shot of Luke passed out on one side of the sofa and Jordan passed out on the other. Those two are in sleepy-sleeper land bigtime. It’s pretty cute.

Alicea is watching Isaiah “fish” in the front yard and she says she really lucked out with this kid compared to the last one, which she had virtually no interaction with. “He’s sweet, and he’s funny as hell.” She says the hard part is keeping him entertained. This is what I find so exhausting about kids, that zest for life that hasn’t been drilled out of them by bitter high school teachers and taxes. He cheats at bowling too.

Kelsey asks Benjamin what’s wrong, and clearly he’s pooped his pants again. She takes him in the bathroom to change his clothes and of course the poop from his underwear falls onto the floor and onto her foot. Her BARE foot. At this point, I’d be barfing up a lung, that grosses me out so much. Smelly poo touching your skin. “My biggest problem is the smell.” My biggest problem is the kids.

Ah, the working teens return home from work, and Sean and Kelsey are having a conversation no teen should have. “Did he go to the bathroom again?”

“He pooped.”

You are eighteen! You should not be talking about this kind of crap! Literally and figuratively! You should be talking about where you want to eat tonight, what movie you want to go to, which flavor condom to use. Not poop! Never poop! Save that for your thirties and/or never!

Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner! Poop Machines!

Oh, excellent! They are going out to dinner! You know I’m the person stuck sitting next to this table after specifically asking for a smoke- and kid-free area of the restaurant. Kelly gets pissed because Asshat lets the kids push the doorbell a couple of times when leaving. My dogs don’t like it any better than she does.

The “families” are headed to some bistro in Boise – wonder if Demi and Ashton own that too? How do you think the kids are going to do? Luke freaks out on Sasha and Jordan. Damn, seriously, what is up with that kid? Why does he cry so much? “HEY,” Sasha says. They show a lady shaking her head at them – was that me? They do the right thing and leave the restaurant. I repeat: leave the restaurant if your kid does this!

We’ve traced the crying…it’s coming from…

INSIDE THE RESTAURANT!

Outside, Sasha freaks out all over this kid telling him he’s acting like a baby. No shit, Nancy Drew, you know why? HE IS A BABY! Check the tags, the kids is two years old. “That’s not cute.” Neither is the sight of you dissin’ a little kid. No wait, it’s hilarious. I stand corrected. “I’m ready to give this baby back to his momma, and fly me back home.” Maybe instead of direct flight, you can make a connection with grammar on the way there, Sasha.

Back at home, Luke continues to freak out. Why didn’t they make a quick pit stop for some Benadryl? Or Sasha could have said she needed some lady items at the store, could the crew wait outside while she purchased them, she could have hooked herself up with some Tylenol PM and BOOM! Kid out like a light! (Please note the overmedication recommendations for babies are by this recapper and do not reflect the views of the staff of – oh, wait, if they are single people, they do!). Sasha finally throws in the towel. “I don’t care anymore!” Slam of the door! You know, I can’t remember the last time I slammed my bedroom door. That used to be so much fun. Me loves me some drama.

Luke’s mother says their frustration level is just adding to a bad situation. Sasha says the reason she’s so frustrated is because she’s taken care of kids before and so this shouldn’t be new, but in this case she just doesn’t know what to do. SASHA! Medicate! Quickly!

Into the home stretch, and Kelsey is trying to get Benjamin to poop…in the toilet, this time. After he “thinks real hard,” he finally goes in his little potty. “My self-esteem was definitely boosted,” she says. Oh, Kelsey, if your self-esteem is boosted by poop in a plastic pot, your issues are bigger than we anticipated. Then she begins to sing a song, “He gets the pee-pee candy, he gets the pee-pee candy,” and I’m thinking that maybe I’ll be skipping their house at Halloween this year. She drops the candy on the floor but he still eats it. One, because of the 5-second rule and two, because it’s already pee-pee candy, a little dirt isn’t going to make it any worse.

Morgan says, “Lily I’ll miss you.” Oh yeah, they did have two kids, didn’t they? I forgot about the non-peeing on the furniture kid. No fun. Montage of all the parents playing with the kids, except for Sasha and Jordan. The real parents show up to claim their crying, pooping shackles, and tell them what they think.

Asshat and Kelly need to work on their communication, and he needs to stop hanging up pictures of Jesse Helms and voting for George Wallace pre-wheelchair. Etta’s parents are proud of Sean and Kelsey, but admit they were often “laughing at them.” Get in line. Also? They are a good looking couple. Etta and Benjamin’s mom should probably not worry about the “potential” she lost as a young mother, because she gets to see her husband naked whenever she wants, and I’m guessing his potential is amazing. Anyhoodle….

Etta & Benjamin’s parents…yowza!

Daton and Morgan admit they are morons and thought having kids would be easy. It’s the bleach in the hair that must be leeching into their systems. They’ll be good worker bees, someday, which is good because I’ll need their social security withholdings once the baby boomers suck up mine. I was totally pissed, however, that there wasn’t some kind of smackdown about grabbing the kid by his hair and dragging him by the arm, or not wiping the poo off his bum before putting on the new diaper. I would have been up in their faces like a Biore strip.

Way to get back in the game, lazy-ass!

Alicea gets a pat on the back for comforting Isaiah when he didn’t want to go to sleep, and clearly she’s back in the game/experiment. But then like a cloud of doom, Isaiah’s mom warns them about the next two Christmas ghosts that will be visiting them…the ghosts of pre-teens and ghosts of teens “will not be any easier.” And the teens won’t be able to buy beer any easier than the teen parents will. Suckfest!

You guys are totally screwed for the next few weeks and I don’t

envy the pain and sorrow you will feel having agreed to be here….Have fun, you kids!

Now here we go… Sasha and Jordan are meeting with Luke’s mom, who PS is totally sweet and probably makes the best cookies with M & Ms on them. I know we’re in trouble right off the bat because Sasha is sitting on the sofa with a pillow across her lap and on her side – defense mode. She says it was exhausting, frustrating, and hard, “really hard.” That’s what she said. And? GOOD! Figure it out now so you know exactly what you’re getting into.

Yeah, she’s receptive to criticism right now.

Or she’s hiding a knife.

Luke’s mother takes a deep breath and you can see she’s trying to figure out the best way to say what she has to say, which is “you should never breed.” She pauses, then says, “So…tell me about it. Tell me what it was like – everything about it.” They edit the scene over to Jordan who has some kind of stick or straw or something in his mouth that he is chewing on like it’s cud. It’s like a hat, Jordan, take it off in the house, otherwise it looks like you were raised in a barn.

Sasha admits not knowing what to do with Luke, which she says is weird for her because she’s around kids a lot and normally doesn’t have this problem. Then Luke’s mother let’s loose and flat out says, “Overall I don’t think you did well at all.” Ouch. And? Totally true. They tanked this week as parents after last week’s award-winning performance. Then she adds for good measure, “I don’t think you guys are ready to be parents at all.” But if you could express yourself…what would you say? Don’t hold back!

So if you agree, I’ll pay for your sterilization. Right now.

Needless to say, Sasha begins her violently downward spiral and it’s almost like watching your friend hit on someone completely out of his league because he’s drunk. You want to stop watching, but somehow do not have the power to look away.

Sasha says the whole time was spent trying to get him to stop crying. The mother says, “You should have – ” and Sasha says, “WE DID.” You probably should have let her finish her sentence, maybe it was, you should have “drugged him” or “called me” or “traded him in for a better model,” none of which they did do. Then Sasha starts to get louder and angrier, saying it wasn’t like she wasn’t trying. Luke’s mother points out that they should have really taken advantage of Jordan bonding better with the child than Sasha did, and that pretty much sends Sasha raving. She starts clapping her hands yelling, “We’re not dumb people!” No one said you were, but you ARE starting to look a little crazy. Then she starts pounding her fists saying “Let me finish!”

Eat DOWN, beyotch, I am outta her! But not

before making a fool out of myself on national TV

“I’m done!” she yells, standing up screaming and throwing a pillow almost at Luke’s mother. “Just take the baby and go!” Walking away from the living room she says, “This is bullshit! This is f$*#*# bullshit! Because what if that doesn’t work? What if he’s the only one who can go to work and the baby is not bonded to me? Then whatcha gonna do? Bleep bleep!” Jordan gets up and moves her towards the back door, because that is what you normally do when this happens on Springer. “I wanna go home!” She screams before Jordan can slam the door.

#$(@*#&(%&(*&!)(*#&)(@#$*&)(@&)(#*@)($@#&)(@, SO THERE!

Wow, where did last week’s Sasha go? Because this one is batshit crazy! The camera pans over to Luke’s mother who is looking at the production crew like, uh, what the hell just happened and did she eat Luke because I don’t see him? And she’s really not sure what to do. Then we hear Sasha say, “She can take that baby and kiss my BLEEP.” I’m pretty sure she said ass, folks.

Out in the backyard, they have to bleep out almost every word she says with beeps to the point where it sounds as if she’s a tractor trailer backing up…for miles. Jordan keeps trying to calm her down, but what he should say is “Wait until your mother sees this!” She is going to be a little less proud this week than she was last. Also, I’m pretty sure I saw Sasha on Cops the other night, she was playing “Illiterate and Overemotional HillJack Witness #412.”

Luke’s mother takes off with him and yes, he is sleeping. Go figure. No wonder he couldn’t calm down in that house – look at all the negativo energy Sasha is giving off. The kid had to feel that. Babies aren’t stupid.

That’s right, now YOU catch up on YOUR sleep!

Upstairs Sasha is throwing clothes into her suitcase and says, “I don’t want to do this anymore.” Then you’d better think twice about having a kid right now, because I’m pretty sure they are considered carryon when you try to pack up and go. Jordan keeps trying to hold her and calm her down, but she’ll have none of it.

What’s so funny is the editor shows other couples looking over at Sasha and Jordan’s house, although that’s pretty much what it’s like in every neighborhood, everyone knowing your business. Asshat will tell you it’s the “Southern Way,” like segregation and the whole 3/5 vote thing, which makes the whole Obama for President situation sort of awkward.

Next week…will Sasha stay? “I don’t have to stay here,” she says. Mmm…again, kids, read the contracts more closely next time. Methinks you will be staying. Will the teens survive the pre-teens? Probably not, as one of them is referred to by Cory as “evil.” Stay tuned for next week on As the Poopy Diaper Turns…

Don’t forget, I’m a total asshole. Avoid me at all costs.