Baby Borrowers: Baba O’Riley’s Pre-Teen Wasteland

Dear Crabby,
Can you settle a bet I have with my friend? I think the being stung to death by killer bees and wasps is worse than a pre-teen sleepover, but he says bamboo under the fingernails while having his nuts hooked up to a car battery that ignites every so often would be worse. Who’s right? A box of Cheez-Its is riding on this.
-Couch Ass Groove

Dear Couch,
Send the Cheez-Its to Crabby because you are both wrong. The only thing worse than a pre-teen sleepover is hearing the mother hosting said sleepover discuss it ad nauseam at a work function you cannot escape. At least the sleepover has popcorn.
-Crabby

If you remember last week on Baby Borrowers, we left Sasha in the middle of a bitch-ass breakdown over her complete and utter ineptitude at dealing with a toddler. She went so far as to call the baby a “baby.” Heartless wench. With bags packed, she’s ready to leave the island until Jordan calms her down and does what any real man would do: take her to the neighbors for cocktails.

“I don’t have to be here doing this, you know?” She interviews. Well, you don’t have to be in those spray-on jeans, but here we are. But no worries, I’m sure your kid will be all sunshine-out-his-ass.

So, here come the pre-teens and their pets! Snakes! Iguanas! Dogs! More dogs! And rats! And truly, they really give the dogs very little screen time which my furry babies did not appreciate. You know, if they actually stayed awake to watch the show.

It’s chaos theory in pre-teen form. The horror!

We’re at Kelly and Asshat’s house, and they are still asleep. A mother walks up to the house with her three hellion boys and says, “Ring the doorbell,” to which the boys just flat-out walk in the house. How about locking the doors? Also? Asshat is a traditional southern boy, so chances are you are going to get the business end of a Confederate gun once he’s done loading it with gunpowder (and don’t email me if that isn’t historically correct, Dad). The boys just walk in, throw their stuff down, and start running all over the house. Now, I realize they know this is set up and that they are going to a “fun foster home” for a few days, but damn, woman, teach your brats some manners. Or don’t complain when they jump into some guy’s van and become an Amber alert, got it?

The mother yells up, “Sorry to barge in on you.” Sorry you don’t have any manners. Wouldn’t it have been awesome if Kelly and Asshat got out of bed and were both totally naked, and the kids saw it and were scarred for life? Heh.

Kelly comes downstairs and sees the iguana, plus the rat (the snake’s dinner – they have to “knock it out” before feeding the snake, which I did not need to know), the crabs (not on Asshat, on the table), then the iguana is suddenly in the bathtub, and Asshat is all, “I’d rather have the pets than the kids, put the kids in cages.” Asshat, I think I’m falling in love with you. And I hate you for that!

Still easier than raising kids!

Kelly and Asshat’s kids are 10, 7, and 6 years old, and I don’t really care what their names are because I already can’t stand them. “Welcome to our world,” the dad says, laughing. Oh, piss up a rope. You’re the one that built your world, so don’t be dragging Kelly and Asshat with you. Or at least Kelly.

“So we have three boys,” the mom says. Really? Because when they showed up they were all girls, dumbass. “And they have a lot of energy,” she continues. Replace “a lot of” with “no” and “energy” with “manners” and we’re good to go. Brats. “This is the manual for the boys, you’re welcome to take a look at it.” Something tells me it’s as comprehensive and as interesting as my car manual. Snore! Just tell Kelly and Asshat the tire pressure and when the oil needs to be changed, and the rest we’ll let the mechanic figure out.

The mother interviews, “We wanted to do this experiment so they would know how hard parenting really is.” If we already figured that out, can we leave for cocktail hour? Because I’m dying for a Black Martini (1 part Chambord to 4 parts vodka, so icy it forms a martini slushy on the top…once you go black…yadda yadda).

Kelly: What’s your name, little critter?
Critter: LUNCH

Jordan and Sasha are caring for 9 year old Sara and her two shitty dogs. I’m sorry, that’s Shiatsu. No wait…Shih Tsu. My bad. Her parents say, “She looks nice now, but…good luck.” Oh crap. But you know what? Sara turns out to be a pretty good kid. Why? MANNERS. Nice job by these parents.

Seriously, let us in or we will gnaw you to death all night.
What are you, cat people?

While two little girls scream and hit each other, the narrator says, “Divorced mom Leslie delivers her two daughters…” to which I finish the sentence and say, “from Sataaaan?” Yes. No wonder she’s divorced, Satan’s gay. If South Park has not deceived me. And I’ve got news for you: the older kid is not dealing with the divorce well. Let’s check in!

Hannah and Abbey are given to Corey and Alicea, mostly because I’m guessing mom needs a break in the worst way. “You’re in for a big surprise,” she says, which is never the beginning of a good conversation. “They can fight. Physically.” As opposed to psychically, which how cool would that be? It would be like pre-teen Carrie with Alicea and Cory getting killed by falling gym ceiling debris. I think I may have found my new screenplay!

Aww, look how sweet she is. Like an angel…if it’s opposite day!

Mom continues, “You have to break it up, or someone will get hurt.” Okay, these girls are like 6 and 8. The fact that they are WWF-ing each other for real is troublesome. The oldest one is an absolute monster and I’m thinking that perhaps dad leaving has caused her more inner turmoil than mommy is aware of. I mean, I’ve seen kids hit, but damn, this kid could take down Apollo Creed! What an absolute brat.

Alicea interviews that girls are so much more dramatic than boys. You would know, Alicea (as would I – we loves our drama!). Over at Sean and Kelsey’s house, two vegetarian Hanson band members are being dropped off with their parakeets. Birds as pets freak me out, people. Do they even care about you the ways dogs do and the way cats don’t?

Son of a bitch! Who let the Hanson kid out of his pod?

“We’re the exact opposite,” Kelsey says about the vegetarianism. The mother tells her that if they are having chicken, potatoes, and salad, the kids would just eat the salad and potatoes. At the grocery store, they know where the soy replacement “things” are. Wow, these pre-teens are a barrel of fun. I hope Alicea and Cory’s little Satan girl kicks their collective asses. Kelsey mentions she doesn’t eat fruits or vegetables (no kidding), so she’s nervous about hosting veggies. If it were me, I’d serve them up baby something and tell them it was soy meat, then if they were bad, show them the package of “Bambi Burger” or “Thumper Tub Bacon” and then they’d know they were going to Vegan Hell. Did I mention I don’t have kids?

Morgan and Daton get 10 year old Seth and his totally cool Golden Retrievers. Seth is like Daton, Junior. Morgan is taking forever to get ready and makes Seth and his mom wait until she’s ready. Trust me, the eyeliner was worth the wait. The mom starts out with his favorite foods, “Fruit rollups, fruit snacks (does he actually like fruit?), and melted cheese and chips.” Well, who doesn’t?

“Those are all my favorite snacks as well,” Morgan says. Morgan, spell “fruit” for us, would you?

The parents leave for work and we see Sasha sneaking off so she doesn’t have to face her demons. Kelly’s brood of hellions, 10, 7, and 6 tear up her yard – tearing up the new sod, throwing mud on everything including the fence, and Kelly just doesn’t seem to know what to do. I think the first chapter I would turn to in the Kid Manual is “Discipline and How to Administer It.” Time outs or paddles, you be the judge. The answer is paddles.

Tom Sawyer is going to kick your ass for this mess. Or he’ll get someone to kick your ass

Asshat is staying home tomorrow, folks.

Back to Morgan and Daton Junior (the Daton she can control) as they head to the rock climbing wall, which honestly, is a great idea. Morgan interviews that Seth is like a “little buddy” (Gilligan?) and that he looks up to her like an older sister, “which is really cool.” Except that you’re a parent and it’s not. “It’s easier being nice with your kids, than all strict on them and telling them what they should and shouldn’t do.” Really? As a parent you shouldn’t teach your kids right and wrong? Oh, please be barren.

Alicea is dealing with daughters of Satan and makes Hannah-the-terror go to her bedroom. She says she’s going to ignore her which I have to tell you, I’m sort of on board with. Seems like that bad behavior gets a lot of attention and ignoring it might solve part of the problem. The other part would probably be solved with a therapist or a dad that didn’t run away, although can you blame him? Hannah is wrapped in a blanket and is screaming her head off. Okay, I probably would have checked in on her at this point.

Skip the timeouts and go straight for the lobotomy, Nurse Ratchet!

Mom watching says, “She’s acting out to get attention, I think.” Oh, you’re a genius. “It would help if Alicea could re-direct that energy.” Why give her attention for being a spoiled brat? Direct her attention to what? My paddle? Did I mention paddles?

Paddles for every level of the anger you cannot manage.
I particularly like the one with the picture in it. Is that Grandma?

Mom stops by for a quick chat to help Cory and Alicea, and this “intervention” goes way better than Alicea’s first one. She suggests engaging her in an activity to take her mind of things. Like a paddling? “She might just need something to do.” Well, if she could play without pounding on her sister, that might work. I mean, kids hit, but hers is pretty violent and angry. If anyone knows this mother, recommend therapy before someone gets killed, like, you know, the mother.

Jordan is working with Sara on math problems while Sasha pulls out a dinner of Doritos. Excellent! Adopt me! He tells her he’ll give her $5 to finish her math problems. Sara is smart and she and Jordan are really getting along. Sara interviews she’d like to stay longer because it’s so fun. He owes her $5.

She’s away from her parents for the first time and her rebellious
move is…math? Enjoy being dateless on prom night mathlete

Back at Kelsey and Sean’s house, Kelsey is slapping some delicious bacon in a frying pan. Good for you! I’ll take a BLT minus the L and T (they just take up space better used for mayo). “This week, we need to make Kelsey eat some vegetables,” one Hanson says to Sean, and he totally agrees with the kid. Damn, taking sides against your girlfriend with a pre-teen is pretty low. But so is Sean’s IQ, so we should probably let him have it. Lord knows he won’t be getting any sex soon.

Sean interviews that Kelsey knows he doesn’t like her eating habits. “This lifestyle she’s leading isn’t good,” he says. Kesley, you know a great way to drop 160+ pounds really fast? Dump Sean. The kids watch her eating pancakes as though she’s taken down an antelope and is eating its entrails while it’s still alive and writhing. Damn, kids, it’s PANCAKES! Although I will admit she seems to be making syrup soup.

“Geez, lighten up on the syrup,” one of the Hansons says to her. Yeah, Kelsey, just pour yourself a glass instead. Maybe she’s trying to go into a self-induced sugar-shock coma just to get away from this family, like I’m doing it now. Over in the viewing center, the mother looks shocked her bratty kids just said this. You know you told them to say that. Poor, chubby Kelsey never had a chance.

Is that syrup on the ceiling? I’ll lick it off later.

Back at Daton and Morgan’s house, Seth is up waaaay past bedtime thanks to the fort-building skills of Morgan. Daton wants to put Seth to bed, but Morgan is all like, “Seriously, don’t you like, you know, like want to be, like, a kid again?” No, I think Daton wants to learn how to be a parent, and not to you. So Morgan says, “Daton wants you to go to sleep.” Way to parent together, Morgan. Nothing like a united front, not.

These are the bestest parents ever! Because they’re kids!

Daton gets pissed and goes upstairs to sleep, without Morgan, to “get out of the whole situation for a little bit.” Something tells me he’ll be leaving this situation a lot after the cameras stop rolling.

Damn, Daton is being a total hardass about my fort. No fun! Just like parenting!

The next morning parents leave for work, with some of them exchanging places with their significant others. I love Kelly’s, “Good luck,” and door slam which was only missing a “M#$*%& F#$*#&!!!” at the end. That would have been so hilarious if they had to bleep her out for like 10 seconds straight.

Horror of horrors, however, Cory gets a note in the mail telling him that there will be a slumber party at his and Alicea’s house that night with ALL of the kids coming over. Hannah calls it, “The ultimate challenge.” I call it a total nightmare to participate in, total fun to watch!

Sasha is at the park with Sara playing in the sand and swimming. “I feel like a mom!” she says, and she has the jeans to prove it. Yeah, because this kid is a good egg. If she were Hannah, you’d be packing up those ginormous jeans for real this time.

Mom jeans…Sexy!

Asshat is doing well with the boys because he does have a little more discipline power than Kelly. Probably because he’s a traditional southerner, and they aren’t against whipping their kids with switches that they make them pull out of the cotton fields. However, by the end of the day, he’s frying up Hamburger Helper and waiting for Kelly to come home for some “adult talk.” Geez, I hope he doesn’t mean “dirty talk.”

Oh, so get this. Cory and Abbey are outside playing, and that little brat Hannah locked them out of the house. I would totally whoop this kid’s ass like there was no tomorrow. Then again, I’d probably just ask the inside camera guy to open the bloody door for me. Then I’d whoop some ass. Maybe it was the camera guy who did it?

Don’t underestimate the power of the spank!

Once Cory gets in he puts her in a time out…in her room! She’s got toys to play with, so how bad can it be? I would make her sit in a chair for the number of minutes that corresponds with her age (so if she’s 8, 8 minutes). Also, I’d tell her that Santa Claus was dead because her bad behavior broke his heart, and when he fell over he landed on the Easter Bunny and killed him too, so she ruined Christmas and Passover and both the Christians and Jews hate her and her next time out will be in Guantanamo Bay for years and years.

Hannah yells that she’s sorry and when Cory opens the door and says, “Do you really mean it?” and she says, “Yes,” her face completely says, “I’m totally going to be bilking some old guy out of his money with this look.” Then Cory says she needs to change her attitude, and real mom can’t believe he’s trying to reason with a seven-year old. Only because you are watching, real mom. Otherwise, spank city!

“GET OUT!” Hannah screams, while Cory taunts her with a popsicle, which is sort of a dick move. “GET OUT OF MY ROOM NOW! GET OUUUUUT!”

Stigmata…on her forehead. Or it’s her mother’s stiletto heel mark.
Your guess is as good as mine!

“You’re evil!” Cory says, laughing. Then she kicks Cory. Damn! He should have kicked back. With a stiletto! After he closes the door, a note comes out from under the door that reads, “I’m sorry I locked you out.” Hmmm. She lies. But he lets her out and gives her the blue popsicle which everyone knows is the worst. Blue has no flavor. But she shuts the hell up and doesn’t give him any more trouble, does she now? Hope real mom learned something. Taunting kids with food does work! Hope Hannah doesn’t grow up to binge and purge based on her emotions! But in reality, I don’t care!

Alicea comes home to the total and complete nightmare of the entire neighborhood over at her house. “Calm down children!” She says half-heartedly. Whatever. She realizes they should just run out all of their energy and she lets them go. Hey, as long as they are all alive at the end of the night, she’s golden.

Is that my youth? And freedom? And sex life?

Back over at Daton and Morgan’s house, Morgan says she was a bad girlfriend the night before, so she cooked dinner to make up for it. What 18 year old knows how to cook a ham, or even wants to? I would have thought chicken tenders would have been more up her alley. Daton is having none of it, though, mostly because he’s realized he has to dump Morgan if he ever wants to grow up. She wants him to know she is “contributing something to the relationship.” That contribution? Pork product.

Traditional apology ham. Fancy!

Dinner conversation? Chirp chirp, chirp chirp. The doorbell rings. Please let it be the angel of death. No, it’s Daton’s best friend Brady, who immediately wants to go to the skate park sans Morgan. She’s all sad and depressed as she cleans up the fat-ass ham.

Carly has come to see Kelsey, Stephan has come to see Jordan, Amber has come to see Kelly. Squeals all around, except for Asshat who is clearly pissed Amber is visiting, probably because of some three-way she declined at an Sigma Nu party last fall. Asshat throws a total and complete hissy fit about having to be home all day with the kids then having to spend the evening alone while Kelly goes out and plays with her girlfriends. Oh, because that’s not the traditional southern family, it’s a real one? WHAT AN ASS HAT.

Over at Alicea and Cory’s house, Cory finally decides if you can’t beat ‘em, beat ‘em with pillows in a pillow fight. He’s totally into the party with the kids. Alicea interviews – and her wording is important here, kids, “Cory is going to be a great dad when he has kids someday.” Not when “we” have kids, when “he” has kids someday. Uh-huh. Alicea has given up the limited dream of being a young mother, mark my words.

I’m 18…I should be doing this with Tri-Delts in La Perla,
not kids in Underoos…and now I feel very uncomfortable

Hannah bonked her head. Hey, no one said ultimate fighting was easy, brat. She’s crying her eyes out (seriously, the drama), and Alicea gets her some ice and comforts her. It’s actually pretty sweet to see Alicea human, and relieving to hear Hannah shut the eff up. Real mom likes the fact that her demon spawn is being comforted. Alicea interviews, “I’m sure I got a motherly spot somewhere inside me.” Yes, it’s close to your G-spot which immediately disappears with motherhood. Sorry suckas!

I told you, we have to bonk you on the head before feeding you to the snake!

Or maybe we’re feeding you to…your mother!

Christian Slater has a new show coming on. He’s aged like a ferret! Hope he doesn’t compare notes with Molly Ringwald from the new show about teen pregnancy. They’ve become the parents they used to rebel against all those years ago. Man, it sucks when that happens, doesn’t it?

Daton and his friend Brady are at the skate park because they are emotionally 12 year old punks, and Morgan is sad because she’s at home taking the garbage out. She’s upset because she wanted to have a “good quality conversation with Daton, but there’s always something getting in the way,” like her inability to form complete sentences or think beyond moussing her hair.

Brady asks if Daton is stressed, and they “Duuuude” back a forth a couple of times. Then the truth comes out…Daton says he’s not sure he wants to be with a person who doesn’t make him a good person. What? “I was thinking what she offers to me as a person, and it’s not very much.” Ouch. That’ll hurt when she sees this footage, although I’m sure it was taped a while ago and she’s probably close to getting over the fact he dumped her months ago. Still. Ouch. Music of sadness plays.

Kelly explains to Amber how uncomfortable and weird it is to live with Asshat, mostly because she has to see his doodle at random times and that is throwing off her cycle. She’s also tossing around a container of what I thought was marbles but turned out to be gumdrops. Is she hiding those from Kelsey? Is everyone in on the fat patrol for that poor girl?

Yes, Kelsey, we SEE that you don’t eat your veggies or fruit.
Very clearly.

They go back to the house and are looking for Asshat who pulls a complete Kelly by going into the bathroom and slamming the door. He is totally being an ass about this whole thing and doesn’t want to join them for anything. He also doesn’t want to be touched and he wants his privacy. He finally heads downstairs and acts like a douche there too. He looks like he’s been crying, which is sort of funny. He says this has been a rollercoaster of emotions, up and down, up and down, and suddenly I realize Asshat is a woman. That is so non-traditional southern!

Why don’t you understand all the feelings
I’m having now that I’m a woman?!?!

The visits end at 9pm and all the friends are flown back to central casting from whence they really came.

Cory and Alicea are settling down the kids (mostly because they exhausted the kids and/or put Benadryl in their juice boxes) for the night. Everyone goes to sleep on the living room floor and the next morning they shuttle them back to their fake parents.

The real parents show up and Seth’s mom was not thrilled with Daton and Morgan. She has a few questions for them. “Did Seth ever brush his teeth?” No. “Did he ever take a bath?” No. “What time is his bedtime?” to which Daton answers 10:30 to Morgans, “uuuuuhhhhhhh.” It was 10. TEN P.M. She says they bonded with Seth, but as a parent you can’t be a friend, you have to set rules. Yeah, you also have to clean them more often than hamster cages, just FYI. Like how smelly was that kid after all that running around? Ick.

Uh, here’s your kid back. Don’t let him breathe on you.

Real mom tells Alicea she is proud of her for listening and really comforting Satan’s spawn. Alicea says, “She’s really the sweetest girl.” You know, she’s really not. She’s a brat who needs some serious disciplining. I bet her teachers hate her guts and she’ll probably end up getting expelled for beating up a boy. Real mom counters she’d never have 9 kids over for a slumber party. Well, it looks like we ALL learned something, didn’t we?

Jordan receives “props” from Sara’s dad about doing math with her. He says he’s going to do that more often with her and that they couldn’t believe the look on her face as she was learning stuff. Sasha is relieved her PMS is over this week so she can act like a human instead of a deranged wildebeest like last week. “Props” to the production intern who picked up the case of Midol and/or Xanax.

The Hanson clones’ mother shows up and starts giving Kelsey a lecture about how she needs to eat healthier, how her kids are going to be obese and have serious behavioral problems. Uh, real mom? Your kids are the ones who are wearing fedoras and looking for soy products. Who’s got the bigger problem? Also, you ain’t the skinniest vegetarian, so you might want to either shut it or get a tummy tuck, m’kay? I mean, I’m all about eating healthy, especially for your kids, and Kelsey still hasn’t dumped that 160+ of lousy boyfriend, but you could have addressed this issue a little better.

Mmmm…delicious soy product derivatives!

Kelsey is offended by the comments and says she’ll make her kids eat fruits and vegetables, which I don’t believe for a second. Picky eaters beget picky eaters, that’s all there is too it. So if she’s eating Sugar Pops for dinner, and you know she has before, so will the kids.

Kelly admits having the three boys made it hard to have alone time. So did the fact you spent all evening with your home girl instead of your home boy. Kelly asks how real mom knew real dad was for real. Uh-oh. Do we have some questioning going on? Here’s hoping! Asshat looks beat, by the way. Good.

Crying really takes it out of me, no matter what this wife-beater says

Real mom talks about how long they’ve been together and gives this whole spiel about how trust is the most important thing in a relationship, which is bullshit because we all know the most important part of any relationship is the pre-nup followed by the acceptance of your dogs as ranking above your significant other; they were here first, you know. This is all followed by hot sex, control of the remote, where to spend holidays, backseat driving, trading FICO scores, how much pepper to use, love of anchovies, and then, only then…trust. Or taking the garbage out. I don’t know for sure.

Here it comes…Kelly is questioning if Asshat is the one for her. I can answer that: NO. He’s a tool and a half, and he will always think of you as less-than, and God help you if you have any daughters because their value will be diminished by his desire to 1 – be “traditional southern” and 2 – only have sons. She says she thinks he isn’t the one for her but then other days she totally loves him. She says she’s scared of breaking up with him which leads me to believe she’s already made her decision, she just is too scared to be alone. Honey, loneliness and being alone are two completely different things!

This Wednesday, the teens parent teens…and it looks like they pulled these teens straight out of juvie. Instead of parents dropping them off, do the wardens? Then it looks like Daton says he doesn’t want to be around Morgan anymore, kids T.P. someone’s house (dudes, do you not see the cameras?), some twit is knocking clothes off the closet pole (wow, way to rage against the machine, man), and Kelly freaks out screaming she wants to be left alone…the best part? Someone goes home! My vote for who leaves the island? Morgan. Don’t lick the windows of the bus on the way home, sister.

Finally, one set of teen parents is murdered by their kids! Now that’s reality!