Baby Borrowers: Teens Watching Teens – Bring It!

Dear Crabby,

I enjoy watching teen couples who are totally and completely in love 4-evah crash and burn and breakup. Am I a bad person?
-Couch Ass Groove

Dear Couch,
Yes, and enjoy hell. I will save you a seat! But no worries, it’s a dry heat, like Phoenix. Also, I hope you taped the last episode of Baby Borrowers, you’re going to get your fill of broken hearts! Score!
Crabby

Kids, I have to admit, I was sort of dreading this episode of Baby Borrowers. Let’s be honest, no one likes teens, particularly teens themselves, if my youth was any indication. Teens watching teens has the opportunity to either be a total party hour or just a living hell, and I wasn’t sure I really wanted to see it. It’s sort of like watching one of those suspense movies that you know will work out in the end, but the middle is really, really uncomfortable for that guy who’s wife found some other woman’s panties in his suit pocket even though he really didn’t do it, you know?

Teens in their natural state, comatose

Having said that, this episode was exceptionally satisfying if for no other reason than a teen parent gets to tell a real parent off on national TV. It was sweet.

We open this episode with the teen parents heading off to brunch for that much needed caffeine high and glucose injection. Jordan complains about them not making grits in Idaho. I bet they have hash browns, dude.

Then we hear Morgan say to Daton, “Sorry, I’m like, squishing you,” and he says, “Right. Move.” Rut-roh! Trouble in…well, not paradise. Candyland? Then they get into a snit about how he doesn’t like people sitting too close to him when he eats (?) and how she tries too hard. You can tell he has already made his decision about breaking up with her, but instead of being an adult and saying he doesn’t want to see her, he turns into a complete and utter jerk. Let’s check in.

“I don’t have to try too hard, like you,” he says.

“I try to hard?” Keep up Morgan. “Like what?” Here we go.

“Too much makeup. You try to make yourself look better and it doesn’t really make you look better.” Uh Daton, let’s talk about your perpetual bed-head, duuude. You’re like Dennis the Menace on meth. He gets up and walks away, which is really nice especially since everyone at the table was listening in on the Bickersons. I love it when a meal is ruined by people who should never have been together in the first place. Really helps the digestion.

Yeah, that’s the picture of someone who tries too hard.
Close your mouth, Morgan.

Morgan interviews, “This relationship is so unstable, I don’t need someone bringing me down all the time.” Is it me, or has she gained a lot of weight in the past few weeks? Must be all the baby weight.

Back in the neighborhood, the visiting teenagers are showing up without their parents and are just walking right into their houses. Great ad for ADT. And tasers. One badass teenager shows up riding a skateboard, with his guitar case, luggage, and his goth-black hair. Fight the man, my brother, until you go to college and become an accountant and pay taxes like the rest of us. Oh, and parents won’t be monitoring the experiment this week. Too bad!

Talk about trying too hard!

Snowy, age 16, will be staying with Sasha and Jordan. She’s actually more Sunny than Snowy, what with her pleasant disposition and store-bought red hair. She comes into her room, sees the unmade bed, and proclaims it a cute room. Is she on Xanax? She’s waaay too happy to be a teenager. Code blue! She’s the mole!

A nice teenager? Something ain’t right here!

She interviews she’s a very positive person and complainers “get on her nerves.” She and I would never get along, especially on the highways. She jumps on her bed and falls asleep faster than my post-dinner dogs, one of which is snoring like a longshoreman as I type. And she’s my princess!

Just another morning commute for Dear Crabby.

Eddie, 15, is at Daton and Morgan’s house, probably hoping he doesn’t bring their cockroaches back to his parents’ house at the end of his time there. He actually showed up with clothes on hangers, probably for church, and he is totally adorable. He wants to help with the “experiment” to teach these teens about raising kids. You can totally tell he’s a good kid. Dang! No, wait, he totally just drank out of the milk container. I thought that only happened in the movies. “I look forward to taking over this house.” Oh, honey, you are too good of a kid. Too late to try to badass your way out of this one.

David, 15, is at Asshat and Kelly’s house, and interviews that if they try to control him, “it will probably not happen, cause even my mom can’t control me.” What if they fight like raging parents who hate each other? Something tells me that’s going to shut you up, and not just because I’ve seen the rest of the show. And comb your hair, young man. He rails on his guitar and tells us his parents got a divorce this summer. Probably because of his hair. He plays heavy metal, which apparently is just “noise.”

At Cory and Alicea’s house, some jerkoff who looks a lot like Dumb Donald from Fat Albert is all excited about them having Pepsi in the house. I hope it’s Pepsi Plus so he can get his vitamins too! Sam is 13 and interviews, “If I want something, I want it, and I usually don’t stop until I get it.” You are 13. What could you possibly want besides and Xbox and nudie magazines that confuse you?

We’re teens and by definition, assholes!

Hey, hey hey…The likeness is uncanny!

He finds a key to their bedroom (so they don’t lock the house but they lock their bedroom? Interesting strategy) and goes into the closet where he systematically knocks all of Alicea’s camis onto the floor. What an ass. Then he jumps down the stairs and all over the furniture. Because he should have been with the pre-teen group instead?

First the home closet, next, The Limited. Stop the madness!

The teen parents come home and realize they’ve been infiltrated. Call Orkin. Kelly is in no mood for heavy metal, but plays the good cop by going upstairs and introducing herself to David who immediately understands Oedipus once he sees her, and wishes he would have paid more attention in English class so he knows what to do. She says, “Your hair is really long,” to which he says, “Thanks.” It was a statement, not a compliment. Try to pay attention.

Cory and Alicea walk in and ask Fantastic Sam when he got there, and he’s trying to play it all cool. “An hour ago,” he says, suddenly realizing how big Cory is.

“What have you been doing?” Cory asks.

“Messing around,” he answers. Thanks, I am Sam.

Daton walks into his house and finds a teenager…doing dishes? Told you Eddie was a good kid. Daton introduces himself and then Morgan says, “Are you our little teenager?” which considering he’s taller than both of you, you probably should have re-thought. He was doing the dishes because he’s cooking something, and when he pulled out a spatula, it had lettuce and crap all over it. Don’t they have a dishwasher?

The offending spatula. Just because it’s dirty
doesn’t mean I can’t beat you with it, teen!

“Morgan is in charge of the dishes, so the lettuce and stuff is all her fault,” Daton says. Okay, true, but damn. Lay off already. Morgan mouth-breathes again. Watch out for flies!

Sean and Kelsey get a note about their teen, Renee. She’s at volleyball tryouts and needs to be picked up at noon.

Back at Cory and Alicea’s house, I am Sam is running around on the roof. I hope he falls. Because Alicea pushes him. “He seems like a troublemaker, big-time,” she says. I would have gone with ass, but you know, that’s me. I am Sam says Alicea must be scared, and she says, “No, I just don’t want you to fall, but if you want to, go for it.” Heh. “He’s definitely testing us.” And then Cory finds the mess in the closet.

“Did you come in here and throw all the hangers down?” Cory asks I am Sam. Alicea sees it, and goes into mom mode in 2.3 seconds.

“Go put all must stuff back or I will throw all your shit out the front door, I’m serious.” She is, too. “Go pick up my shit, I’m dead serious,” and she points the finger like a mom. Awesome! I am Sam raises his hands like he will when the cops finally pick him up for some pissant larceny charge when he’s 15, but does it in a smart-ass way, smiling at the camera. Alicea follows him and says, “Don’t touch my stuff or I will go through all of your stuff.”

I’ll knock the teen spirit right out of your body,
along with your soul you little dipwap, unless you pick up my camis, tout suite!

Picking up on the “Don’t touch my stuff” sentence, I am Sam says, “Fine, I won’t!” and starts walking away from the closet.

“PICK IT UP!” Alicea screams.

“But you said not to touch it.” I hate teenagers.

Alicea, Cory, and I am Sam all start yelling at each other and Sam is being a total and complete dick. I hope he gets beaten up at school, because he is a total poseur. How proud his parents will be when they see what a moron they raised. Alicea says, “I think he’s starting to figure out we won’t f&%# around with his little games.” I love the fact that Cory and Alicea are of one mind on this. “You are going to want to go home, ” she says, “because I’m going to be a total bitch now.” WOW! An Alicea I can finally get behind! Who knew? Unless someone does something better, she is my hero this episode. “We’re going to make this a living hell for you,” she finishes. Alicea? Wind beneath my wings, girl. Sam wets himself a little.

OhmygodhowcuteamIsocuteIcan’tbelieveit!

Kelsey and Sean return home with their perky little powerhouse, Renee, who is 14. Seriously, this girl is waaay too perky, plus she’s sporting the Kennedy mouthful of teeth and they are as white as a KKK member. Damn! She’s petite, cute, smart, and I’m guessing although she’s super-nice, a lot of girls as school jealously hate her. She comes downstairs in the tightest of short shorts, and I’m sure Sean is like, “I bet she doesn’t lick syrup off the ceiling!” Renee hands Kelsey and Sean the “Rules of Renee,” which include 11pm bedtime and 2% milk. Aww, shucks, folks.

Snowy’s bedtime is 10:30pm (sucks to be you!) and she’s a “picky eater.” Damn, I hate those! She also has to do the dishes as opposed to how I handle it, leaving them in the sink until they are piled sky high just like Morgan does. David is not allowed to drink, smoke, or do drugs, which I would have thought was a given, but okay, put that in the rule book. I am Sam is slurping down his soda (still, or is he like on his tenth one?) while they read that he’s not supposed to have soda, he needs to set the table, and he needs to eat with the family around 6pm each day.

“Yeah, I don’t know if that’s going to happen,” he snots. Why, because the think tank you are leading meets at the same time?

“That IS going to happen,” Cory says. Done and done. I am Sam tells them he’s going to go joy-riding. Alicea asks what that is.

“It’s when you hotwire a car and drive off with it, even though you are underage.” I’ve got news for you, you’re not supposed to be hotwiring a car when you are “over” age either, dipshit. I know he’s trying to be all tough, but you know this kid would cry himself to sleep if his grandmother yelled at him. Alicea’s face is priceless, like she can’t believe was a twit this kid is being. She’s between rolling her eyes and cracking up.

“You know how to hotwire a car?” Alicea asks.

“I could if I wanted,” he says. I doubt this kid could hotwire a potato for a 5th grade science lab. I bet his parents are moving right now, that’s why they dumped him off. Don’t look for a forwarding address, Sam, but if you do, start with something that has “Mexico” in it.

Way beyond I am Sam’s capabilities

Daton and Morgan are totally getting into a big fight in front of Eddie. No, not in front of the good kid! “He really hates me,” Morgan says, to which Daton answers, “I really do.” Great parenting skills, involve the kid!

“So this is three years that have been wasted?” Eddie asks.

“Pretty much,” they say in unison. Oh, geez. Morgan interviews that Daton is her first “real long love,” which I think she means time-wise, but maybe his feet are big, I didn’t notice. But he also makes her feel bad about herself. There were also about 30 “likes” in her sentences, which is why I spared you from them.

Hey, Morgan, #$*&#*%&(W*@(#*&(*& and oh, I hate you.

“You go party and sit on your fat ass all day,” he says. See?! I thought she’d gained weight. And what a mature way to fight. Eddie rubs his eyes. Twinkle your nose and you may be able to escape! They get into a back and forth which is totally embarrassing in front of new kid, and she tells him she used to like him but he’s so randomly mean to her now, and he says, “It’s because you’re a bitch.” Wow. They continue to fight and poor Eddie is just caught.

Oh, man, I hate my fake parents too!

Eddie interviews they remind him of his parents who got divorced when he was six, but he still remembers all the yelling and fighting. Poor kid. He hangs out in the back yard while the California surfers face the reality that the waves of love are no longer there, boo-yah.

“I’m through faking it,” Morgan says. “You’re immature.”

“I’m not immature, I’m over you and I want to be away from you,” Daton says. First sign you are immature? You say you aren’t. “I just want to go back to San Diego and get away from you.” Then go, the zoo needs you back. Throughout this, you can tell Morgan is really hurt and Daton is totally done. It is sort of sad, she’s not a bad person, just a little loopy and lost.

Daton packs while Morgan watches, trying to talk to him to no avail. She interviews she doesn’t want to marry him, have kids with him, live with him, or anything, except she totally does and if he apologized right now and proposed with a gumball machine ring she would totally say yes. Oh, Morgan, go to college and work it out there. I’m sure Upstairs Hollywood College will take you just like they took Dr. Nick.

“I’m so used to fighting with him all the time I don’t even know what being in love is anymore,” she says. Oh, teen drama and the bad dialogue that comes with it. I do not miss you at all. As Daton leaves the house, she says, “Nice knowing you.” No it wasn’t.

See ya, see ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya!
You’re immature, not me!

Morgan throws on some huge glasses to hide the fact she’s crying (didn’t work), and goes outside. She tells Daton she is going to stay to see the experiment through because she made a commitment (read: she doesn’t want to be the one to end this), so Daton leaves. Damn! I owe about $50 in bets, I thought for sure she’d take off. So now Morgan is a single mom. Wow, poor Eddie. First his real parents, now his fake parents. Back to the therapist.

“If you think about it, is a relationship really worth it?” Morgan asks. “Like, I don’t get it. Relationships suck.” So does being out of nacho dip, but I don’t put on sunglasses and cry on my porch. Well, not anymore.

Christ, no nacho dip? I’m…just…a…mess…
please, cameras, off!

OH MY GOD, how much do I hate JCPenney right now? A whole helluva lot, thanks to their commercial that rips off The Breakfast ClubM\. They are promoting their back-to-school clothes by showing kids in similar scenes from the movie while playing a new version of Simple Minds’ “Don’t You Forget About Me.” The kids in this commercial weren’t even born when that movie was popular! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK! The horror of seeing your high school movie mocked by today’s youth. Damn you, Penney’s marketing team, damn you to the bowels of hell!

Okay, back to Teen Parenting: Don’t Do It! Kelsey and Sean are taking Renee on a tour of “downtown” Boise, which I’m sure is a thrill to Renee since she’s lived there all of her life. Single mom Morgan is there with Eddie, but she’s pulling a Jackie-O by wearing sunglasses and sitting away from him on the train. She cries through the whole thing. Well, she did go through a breakup and Daton was really mean, so how can you blame her? In real life, she’d be at the bottom of a tequila bottle while Eddie covered for her. You know, if she were old enough to by booze.

Boise is very pretty and is apparently built in sandstone. Like the castles on the beach? How does it not blow away? Sean interviews, “This is the kind of things parents do with their kids,” which should immediately clue him in that this is not cool. “Kelsey’s dad does this to her every time she goes to a different state, and she was telling me how boring it is.” Nothing like turning into your parents to make you want to blow your head off! One of these teens surely must have brought a gun.

They pass Pioneer Village which has a two-headed calf. Oh, people, please. I hope they don’t show that poor thing.

Yes, have your wedding here and
let the two-headed calf be the ring bearer!

Eddie interviews that he gave Morgan her space on the train because she needed it and because she was crying the whole time. Maybe she was thinking of the two-headed calf.

Jordan and Sasha and Kelly and Asshat take their charges to the Historic Boise Museum which is going to be loads of fun, I can tell by their hang-dog entrance. The kids hate it and Sasha and Jordan hate it, and we know how much Snowy likes complainers! She says she’s the more mature of the group and feels more like their parents. “There definitely could have been less complaining.” Amen.

Kelly grills the docent non-stop, which you know this woman loves after all the dead-eyes she must get from the elementary school kids who can’t afford to go to DC on their class trip. They pass a case of guns and Kelly says, “Asshat, you like guns.” Of course he does, he’s the traditional southern man. Now get back in the kitchen and bake him a turkey pot pie, bitch. Oh, Breakfast Club! J’adore you!

David says, “I have a shotgun and I’m getting a 9mm for my birthday.” Boise High School, you are officially on notice.

Cory and Alicea waste no time in their family out, and waterboard I am Sam for an afternoon. Oh, wait – they are going water rafting. Sorry, wishful thinking. It would have been awesome to see Alicea kick Sam out of the raft and not pick him up. This seems to make Sam start acting more human and as Alicia says, makes him “chill.” So would locking him in a meat cooler!

If it works on Frankie Carbone, it will work on I am Sam.

Back in the hood, Kelly comes up to Morgan to see if she’s okay, and Morgan desperate-housewives that Daton left and broke up with her. “He says all I do is sit around and eat on my fat ass,” she says, to which Kelly smiles because she knows it’s true (see “Birthday Party, Morgan and her inability to help out…”).

“Wow, he’s really bitter,” Kelly says.

“On this experiment,” Morgan says, “I realized you don’t need a man to make you happy.” Uh, you probably do. “If Asshat said he was over it right now, like, how would you, like, feel?” she asks Kelly. Kelly begins to admit that things have not been great with Asshat and that she’s beginning to have that conversation with him. Oh, this is going to get good, I can tell you right now.

Kelly interviews, “I needed to say something to Asshat, and I just let it out.” Yes, in the driveway, in front of Morgan and your “kid” David. Smooth. “I’ve learned that people are going to be who they are going to be and they aren’t going to change…I’m just sick of putting up a front, for you…Asshat.” We went from general conversation to specific jabs very quickly. You can see Morgan is sort of relieved someone else is having troubles, too. Misery/company, you do the math.

“I haven’t said all I want to say,” Kelly continues. “I have a f#&%^% list in my brain,” she says. Morgan tells David they should leave to give them time to talk. David takes off on his skate board. Maybe Morgan can start dating him over Daton? Same maturity level and all.

And we’re off…”If you’re not happy, and apparently you’re not,” Asshat begins. Is it me, or does he look exhausted?

That’s her prettiest face ever, immortalized on TVgasm.com.
This will appear in every search a future employer does on you, Kelly.

“I don’t want to be bored anymore, and I’m bored with you,” she says and throws some kind of rock at him while making a bitch-ass face. “You’re always so serious. You need to be a kid for awhile.” And you know what? If he were acting like a kid, she’d be all, “You need to grow up.” There’s no pleasing women. As one of them, I know that firsthand.

He tells her that he fell in love with her for who she was, and he still loves her, to which she responds, “Then you do all this lovey-dovey shit,” which if he didn’t she’d be complaining about too. “You’re always kissing me all the time, touching me all the time….ugh! I can’t stand it.” And if he didn’t, she’d think he was having an affair. Have they been here a month? Seems like Kelly’s PMSing like she did with the pregnancy belly. “I’m sorry if that hurts your feelings, I’m just telling you the truth.” If you don’t like to be touched and kissed all the time, you may want to reconsider having kids. Little ones are like sloths and you are their tree. “We’re not married and I don’t want to be married.” ZOINKS! When did this happen?

“Are you serious?” he says, genuinely shocked. “Who was the one who -”

“Shut the f#*& up!” she says, drawing an infinity symbol into the driveway (?). I hate you to infinity?

“It’s decided. Once this experiment is over, we’re done,” he says. Back to the frat house with you, southern boy.

The narrator tells us it’s the middle of the night and the parents’ worst nightmare is about to come true! They’re pregnant for real? Daton’s come back? They’ve had scales installed in their bathrooms? What could it be? “Their teenagers are sneaking out.” Yeah, in Boise. Call us when you’re done elk-tipping. I really shouldn’t trash on Boisians. They are probably nice people outside of the unauthorized militia meetings.

Would have made a bigger impact if they had set it on fire.
Just ask my brother!

The teens decide to roll the neighborhood. I’m sure it will be a big secret who did it: Snowy. Actually, David, Eddie, and I am Sam all run through the neighborhood squeezing the Charmin’ all over the newly planted trees which are only like 6 feet tall. Way to make a statement, dweebs. There are kids in Africa without toilet paper.

You T.P. like a wuss, dude.

“OH HELL NO,” we hear in the background. It’s Will Smith doing a guest appearance! Oh, it’s just Jordan, putting on his shirt and desperately needing to pull up his pants; my compliments to Sasha! She and Snowy are cracking up, which you really should do when this happens because it is totally funny. “I’m going to get a belt and beat all y’alls ass!” he says. Finally, corporal punishment comes to the neighborhood!

One can of whoop-ass coming up, bitches!

Snowy says, “Jordan did show a lot of maturity…he was out there, disciplining the kids.” Way to stick it to your home boys, Snowy. By the way, Snowy is my porn name, just like everyone else who owned a white hamster.

Eddie tears up the stairs as Jordan comes by Morgan’s house and tells her Eddie rolled the street. Morgan says, “My kid?” Oh hell to the no! And she take out all of her aggression towards Daton on Eddie as she runs upstairs, yanks his sorry ass out of bed, drags him downstairs so fast she runs into the camera guy, and almost tosses him down the stairs to clean up his mess.

I’m transferring my aggression from Daton to you, pissant!

Alicea interviews that Morgan turned into a mother, “Like that,” she snaps her fingers. Yes, but a mother what?

Kelly gets pissed at David who is sitting in the driveway, and tells him to get inside. He doesn’t move, in typical teen form. She finally gets right into his face, and with the voice that cracks like it does when women try to keep from crying at work, says, “I’ve had a bad day and if you would go inside, that would be great.” She will smack you if you don’t get up. His face gets serious and you’d better believe that boy gets his ass in the house.

Happy happy family time ensues the next day as Renee does not seem thrilled with the steak that Kelsey and Sean want to get, and David is awkwardly hanging around with Asshat. Asshat interviews that it is awkward going through a breakup with a goth teen hanging around. Amen to that, brother. “As a teen son he’s confused by his teen parents.” He tries to show David how to grill and Kelly comes out and back-seat drives to Asshat’s grilling. Oh, let the nagging begin/continue.

Morgan calls her mommy to apologize for being such a dumbass the last time she saw her, and tells her that she broke up with Daton. She tries to tell her mom she’s committed…to the experiment. Her mom says she’s proud of her. Awww.

Kelly and Asshat are in bed together and she wants him to go away. Does that house not have somewhere else where she can sleep? A guest room? A sofa? The back porch? She tries to push him out of the bed saying, “Go now!” Then she goes absolutely batshit crazy about how she was alone and needs some quiet time and he needs to get out of there now. It’s like she’s channeling that evil pre-teen from last week!

Calling all exorcists, stat!

Goth David sits at the table, alone, drinking a glass of bubble-less water (so sad), with his hair in his face, hands together as though he’s praying and/or about to play the harmonica. No wonder he owns guns! “You think that they’re fighting about you,” he says. Uh, they aren’t. They probably don’t even remember your name, much like your real parents. In the background you hear Kelly hysterically scream “GO AWAAAAY! I ASKED YOU NICELY NOW PLEASE LEAVE!”

Why do all my parents hate me?

Asshat has her arms pinned down like a true southern gentleman and she keeps screaming at the top of her lungs, “I asked for my space,” and he’s yelling, “Look what you’ve done to me,” and so on, and so on until she screams, “I HATE YOU NOW GET THE F&@* OUT!” Ah, young love. Asshat, put your shirt back on and save that look for your Match.com ad. David rubs his hair into his face.

Seems borderline abusive…or is it just traditional southern? Hard to tell.

It’s dark and David interviews he hasn’t been in the house in like 5 hours. Kelly is an awesome mom. Asshat says he’s going to stay at one of the other people’s houses but David can stay there, he’s sure “it’s safe.” I’m not! Didn’t you read? BAT. SHIT. CRAZY. Asshat looks even more exhausted than before. Oh no – Kelly comes out of the house. Perhaps the Midol has kicked in. She kneels down and hugs Asshat and apologizes. How many pills did she take?

I’m sorry I’m a f*#^$&% loon. Can you forgive me, again and
again and again and again…

Asshat won’t hug back. Stay strong, dude! “You think that’s going to make it okay?” he asks. Yes, I believe she actually does. You’re lucky she didn’t bring out chocolate chip cookies. She’s crying.
Also? Guys? Get a good look at this, because this is how crazy women act. Like cats!

Vicious cat or your next girlfriend? Trick question, they are the same!

“It’s all I can say. It’s all I know how to say.” Well, that and “GO AWAY!”

“Thank you for saying you’re sorry,” he says. I hope he follows that with, “But I’m gay now, so your wiles will not work on me!” Instead, he says, “I’m really confused. I’ve never doubted in my mind I loved you,” perhaps he doubted that in his foot? “but I am not sure if you and I are supposed to be together.” Oh-oh-oh! My hand is raised, Mr. Kotter! I know the answer! Oh-oh-oh! “I will always be there for you, but I need to think about things.” Sniff. Kelly stands up and walks back into the house. Happy happy family time is over! Better to figure this out now than when more assets are involved; then it just gets messy.

The next morning, Eddie, David, and I am Sam go into Alicea and Cory’s bedroom and begin to shoot them with Nerf-type balls. Now knowing what we do about David and his claim to owning guns, I’d be crapping myself silly if I saw him come through the door and point something gun-like at me. Now Cory is a big guy which you don’t really realize until he jumps out of bed and starts after those kids. Alicea is right behind him.

Cory interviews, “I don’t think there is any getting through to Sam. Who does that kind of stuff? He’s real violent.” A good characteristic in any teenager. Cory picks up his bike and throws it in the yard. I wish he would have backed over it with the car, that would have been hilarious. Especially if I am Sam had been on it!

Oh, yeah, they have to go to work. What I find interesting is how many moms tear out of there. Jordan looks out the window and says, “Morgan’s going to work? Alright Morgan!” Now that’s just damn embarrassing for Morgan. Luckily, she leaves the sink piled with dishes and has Eddie do them. I wish I had a teen to do light housework. The dogs won’t, but it’s not really their fault they don’t have opposable thumbs. Maybe if I duct-taped their paws to the vacuum…?

Seriously, just follow yourself around the house,
that would really help out!

Morgan shows up at the coffee house where Daton worked, and let me assure you that the coffee shop was the first place he stopped before leaving town so he could trash on Morgan and ask foamy milk girl from the first episode out on a steamy date (get it? Foamy milk? Steamy?). Don’t think he didn’t! I’m sure everyone there hates Morgan without even knowing her. Hope she enjoys her chilly reception!

Morgan interviews some nonsensical stuff about being independent (living in a reality show house), raising a kid by herself (by having him do light housework, sans duct tape), and how she works hard for the money (so you’d better treat her right). “I’m doing everything a single parent does, and I’m doing good at it.” She’s also doing well, unlike San Diego public schools!

Asshat spent the night at Cory and Alicea’s house, leaving David home alone when she went to work. Asshat interviews he needs to really focus on himself and not really David because of things going on with Kelly. Way to shove the kid to the side while you get on with your life. Much easier if you wait to have kids, just FYI. He makes David breakfast and proceeds to fall asleep on the sofa. It’s like Asshat has gone narcoleptic on us, which is not very traditional southern. He should try falling victim to the vapors instead. I’ll get the lacy handkerchief.

David continues to sit at the table of sadness; no water today. If there is one thing I know about kids (and it is only one thing), you do have to feed and water them regularly. That’s why I have plants, they can take more abuse on that front and DCFS rarely gets involved (it did for my aloe plant, but she was a total bitch).

Morgan comes home to a spotless house! Eddie! Do you rent out? She says, “You cleaned!” then proceeds to ask Eddie what he did all day.

“Uh, cleaned,” he says. No worries, Eddie, you’ll get used to her slack-jawed ADD.

Over at Cory and Alicea’s house…”When the hell is this kid’s mom coming to get him?” Alicea asks.

“In like 5 minutes,” Cory answers.

“I’m going to tell her all the shit he did.” This is going to be fun!

‘Nuff said.

I am Sam’s mother, Eva, shows up and says, “How did you enjoy Sam?” I don’t think Sam is the kind of kid who is enjoyed as much as he is endured. Like kids at a wedding, in restaurants, or in church. Or on the planet. Alicea tells Eva about I am Sam destroying her closet and Eva looks confused.

What’s that sound? Oh, shitting hitting a fan.

“What?” she’s surprised. “So where did it go from there?” They tell her about getting shot in the face. “This was his house, for three days,” she says, as though it’s there fault he was such an ass. Oh bitch, it’s on. You cannot use that excuse. “He was acting according to his house.”

“Does he do that in your house?” Cory asks.

“No,” she says.

“Exactly,” Cory says, “so why would he come do that to us?”

“He needs to know the rules,” she says. Like I am Sam is going to listen.

“The rules don’t matter to him,” Alicea says. “You have to yell at him to get him to do anything.”

Eva makes a smile/smirk/frown and closes her eyes, shakes her head, and arrogantly says, “No you don’t.”

“Well, in our situation while he was here, yeah you did,” Alicea says. She’s actually very composed. “It almost seems like you don’t know your kid.” Uh-oh. Cage match!

“I know my child.” The video is about to differ, Eva.

“We’re going by how he acted here…that shows to us that he lacked parenting,” Alicea says. The gauntlet is thrown down! Alicea’s weapon of choice: The Truth!

Icy silence. They are sizing each other up and my money is on Alicea to win in this fight, but it will go 15 rounds, mark my word. I’d pay HBO $59.95 to see it, too!

Alicea says, “You all should have dealt differently with how he reacts to certain things.”

Eva very angrily says, “No. It’s-how-you-reacted-to-it.” No, I don’t think so. Your kid is a tool shed. “He obviously didn’t respect you.” Why don’t you show us how he respects you? “Because you didn’t demand it.” Do you? I think we’re going to need to go to the tape on this call.

“Why are you getting upset about it? If you were in our place, you’d feel the exact same way.”

“You’re coming into this saying I have attitude,” Eva says. You kinda do, Eva! Roll tape!

“I’m just getting annoyed with your little attitude and your,” and she makes this face like Eva’s been making. Seriously, it does look like her smug countenance (vocab word, 11th grade). She and Cory go on to say he needs better respect for people and Eva says he does have respect for people. Production crew, I said, “LET’S GO TO TAPE!”

And we do…as soon as I am Sam turns the corner, his mother says, “Hey baby.” There’s your problem right there. He IS a baby. And Eva’s about to school Alicea in demanding respect…or so she thinks.

Condom hats are going to be ALL the rage, dude.

“So how come you trashed the house when you first got here?” She asks.

“Because I felt like it,” he says.

“Give me a better answer than that,” she says.

“Because I FELT like it,” he snots.

“Sam.”

“I’m serious. I felt like it,” he says. Eva blinks because like the Devil in Georgia, she knew that she’d been beat. Alicea’s face is priceless as she smiles the “in your face beyotch” smile; I think she even sneaks in a “bag of chips” head bob. I’m with you, Alicea, and we all know how hard it is for me to admit that.

“Do you go into my room and do that?” Eva asks.

“Sometimes,” he snots.

“No, you have never trashed my room,” she says, attempting to slow down how quickly she’s circling the drain.

“Yeah I have, actually,” he says, scouring the kitchen for that last sip of nectar from the Pepsi can.

Cory and Alicea cannot believe their luck at being teens vindicated in front of an adult on national television. Savor this sweet, sweet moment, kids, it may never happen again. Eva finally has the nerve to look back at them and you can see she is embarrassed, mortified, and planning on a huge ass-whipping when they get home. She may not wait that long, she may smack him upside the head as soon as her broom takes flight.

Giving someone the “told ya so” face on national TV…priceless.

“There you go,” Cory says in a reasonable tone, “that’s what he was giving us.”

“Well, he’s done if for a couple of days,” Eva says, “He’s going to have to get out of that habit.” She does this weird thing where she enunciates each word but barely says the last words audibly, like she’s showing them who’s boss. But it’s too late, no one is buying it no matter how big she is. She has no power and everyone there – including all of America – knows it. Sweet.

Cory interviews that he is going to raise his kids to have more respect than I am Sam had with them. And you know what? I believe him. Back in the house, Cory says to Alicea, “She got her ass punked.” No telling what’s happening to I am Sam’s ass right now, but I’m guessing he won’t be sitting down for awhile.

Outside Eva interviews that I am Sam is not a perfect kid, he does things he’s not supposed to, and he pushes the limits with her, “But I push right back.” That sounds…healthy? “That’s the point Alicea and Cory did not get to.” Did you not hear my verdict? Nothing you can say now is going to make you or your tard look any better. Just take him home and pray to God almighty this never, ever goes into syndicated reruns or shows up on Netflix.

This was better than I thought it would be. Yay teens! Oh God, I just threw up a little in my mouth.

After that exchange, the other parents are boring. Morgan had to explain to Eddie’s mom why she’s a single mom in a string of sentences that were borderline incomprehensible. Luckily, Eddie didn’t pick up those habits. He’s a good kid.

David’s mom shows up and asks how it went, and Kelly has to fess up she and Asshat broke up. She says, “We wanted him to enjoy being here.” Well, let me say you get a great big George W. “Mission Accomplished” on that one, boneheads. The best part of about this scene is when David’s mom asks them how long they think they will wait to have kids and they both say without hesitation, “A LONG TIME.” Good! You’ve learned something! Who knew reality TV could actually do some good?

Now it’s my headache that’s this big!

“I realize you have to figure yourself out first before bringing kids into the mix,” Kelly says. Okay, she’s my hero 2.0 for this episode. She DOES get it. What a proud moment for me as the recapper. Hugs for everyone…but don’t touch Kelly! Asshat looks like death. Jesus, take a nap already.

Snowy’s mom shows up and she breathes out flowers and sunshine! Awesome. Snowy was a great kid, ’nuff said. Renee’s mom shows up and looks just like her. This is totally a Ned Flanders family. Nice, smart, well-mannered, and productive citizens. Good for them! And don’t leave Idaho, the rest of us are really, really mean.

Hiddley-ho teen-o-reenos! Ned and I are
so blessed with our God-fearing Renee.

Kelly and Asshat are having a heart-to-heart conversation. He says, “It’s the fight between logic and love that’s going on in my head right now.” First of all, that fight is like the Middle East so don’t plan on any cease-fires in your lifetime or the lifetimes of any of your offspring every in the history of the world, and second, I think the fight in your head is actually flies buzzing around trying to get out.

Asshat wants them to be together and forget everything that happened yesterday, except he forgot one thing. Women never forget anything. Ever. Ever! But then he says logically, if you love each other, stuff like that shouldn’t happen. He feels like they aren’t together but not broken up, either. They are lost. Kelly starts to cry and he sits on the sofa hugging her. “I still love you. I still look at you like my girlfriend, it’s hard not to.” Yeesh. This is sad because they really are breaking up. Poor kids.

You turn down that rock and or roll, you damn kids!

Next week? The elderly join them! Special guest? John McCain as Johnny McCrabbypants. He needs his food mashed and likes dinner at 4pm. Hope they all need lots of pills! See you then!