Baby Borrowers: Everything Old is Really Old Again…to Teens

Dear Crabby,
How many boxes of tissues will it take to get through this final episode of The Baby Borrowers?
-Couch Ass Groove

Dear Couch,
A lot, but if you tell anyone I admitted to that, I will cut you!
-Crabby

Well kids, we’ve come to the end of this season of The Baby Borrowers, except, of course, for the “town hall meeting” set for next week. Just like Bush administration, but with less lying! What a ride it has been. We’ve seen the teens with icky babies, urinating toddlers, evil pre-teens, douchey teens, and now they face the worst enemy of all, social security-sucking elderly! Take it while you can, folks, while the rest of us save for our futures with credit card debt! Wee!

Day 16, and the teens are preparing for their final experiment: The Elderly. Dun-dun-dunnn!

Watch out, kids, Soylent Green is people!

You know, this was actually a pretty emotional episode of Baby Borrowers and I wasn’t sure how I was going to make fun of such sentimental retirees. I may have found my groove by focusing on resentment. YAY! Let’s see how the teens handle it (please let there be someone on oxygen, please let there be someone on oxygen!). Also in this episode? The teens reflect on their time here and we get to see who is still dating (***SPOILER ALERT*** Everyone’s currently available and some of the guys may have Ethan Hawked the nannies! I have no proof, but rumor is good enough).
We open with Jordan asking Sasha what she is going to look like in 67 years. She says, “Still cute,” but I can assure you those boobs will be at her knees, which is so not cute. And here come the elderly, not quite as fast as the toddlers, but luckily no one is on a leash! One guy is riding a bike, a couple are using walkers, and one IS ON OXYGEN! This is awesome! Hope none of the teens smoke, because these few days will be hell (or explosive).

I can take Asshat with one hand tied behind my back!
Can someone help me up now?

Gene, age 77, says he thinks living life as a couple in fast forward is a great idea. Secretly he’s thinking “SUCKERS.” He is being “looked after” by Kelly and Asshat, but let me assure you Gene is a combo of Jack Palance and Jimmy Stewart, and can bench both of those kids. The looking after will be done by Gene. He’s also a war veteran, so perhaps he can help Asshat understand that the “War of Northern Aggression” as it’s known in all the southern history books (aka “The Civil War”) is OVER and he might consider joining us in 2008.

Asshat’s grandfather and not-so-distant cousins.

Asshat says when Gene showed up with sweat pants and looking all fit, he was going to be an “energetic old man,” which sort of doesn’t work, does it? It’s sort of surprising the way these teens are all like “these old people.” Come on, 70 is the new 30, right? Brats!

Gene asks them how long they’ve been together and tells them they are a good looking couple. He should have seen them the other night when she was PMSing into Hell and he looked like he’d been on a bender for about a week. Not so pretty then, Gene. It’s also awkward for them since they are sort of separated and clearly don’t want to discuss with Grandpa Gene. He might kick their asses! At the gym! Where he plans to be early the next morning!

Les, an 89 year old widower is staying with hard core Cory and Alicea. He joined the experiment because he thought it would be interesting and fun. In an awkward introduction, Alicea is wearing a “Free Hugs” t-shirt which is sooo friendly, except she’s leaning way away from Les. Nice body language, Alicea. He’s not a baby! Unless…Maybe Hugs is a person wrongly imprisoned, and “Free Hugs” is like “Free Mandela.” You kids and your heroes these days. Awkward silence. Chirp chirp. Chirp chirp. Man, these kids need to take an interpersonal communications class.

Morgan is watching over 86 year old Hedy who suffered a stroke 3 years ago. She has trouble using her hands and she’s in a wheel chair. Man, that would stink not to be able to use your hands. How will she smack Morgan? She tells Morgan she’s had three husbands. Morgan says she’s had one boyfriend, and “that was enough.” Honey, he wasn’t grown up to be “enough.”

Morgan says, “I’ll tell you about myself. My boyfriend, he was here, and like…” Morgan, let me stop you right there. You aren’t talking about yourself, you’re talking about your boyfriend. I realize you operated as one mind, but let’s move on to the next surfer dude, m’kay? She continues, “I’m the single parent now, so I’ve been doing this all on my own.” Except the time you had Daton do go to work, Kelly host your kid’s party, and your recent teen clean your house. Other than that it’s been ALL YOU baby. Hedy says she’ll try not to give Morgan a bad time. Boo! “I don’t guarantee it!” YAY! Man, I’m like Kelly this week…

George is an 89 year old avid photographer, and rider of the really cool three-wheel bicycle. Sort of like a Big Wheel for kids. (Man, I used to love those – peeling down the driveway, spinning out with the brakes and tearing up the wheels…how did we not get hit by cars?).

Remember when we played outside with kick-ass toys like this?
Now we’re all fat from Xbox. The Twinkies don’t help, either.

George is staying with Jordan and Sasha. Hope she knows how to behave with this one! “I have not had a lot of contact with teenagers lately,” he says. You and me both, George, and that’s a life choice! “I’m expecting a lot of surprises.” Sasha jumping out of a cake?

Sasha interviews she was glad George, although old, can get around so well. She was also thrilled he didn’t come with an air tank. No, but a helium one would have been really cool. He could have used it all week, playing Blue Velvet and scaring the crap out of them.

Remind me, why did we think David Lynch was so awesome?
Because really? He was just bloody creepy.

OXYGEN TANK! OXYGEN TANK! Okay, I shouldn’t get this riled up by something I will probably soon be needing, but I love the fact that one elderly participant brings her own equipment to scare the crap out of the perfect couple – Kelsey and Sean. Kelsey could barely handle diapers; filling an oxygen tank is going to make her curl up in a ball like an armadillo. You heard me.

Baby Borrowers, you never disappoint.

Avie is an 86 year old woman who is dropped off by her daughter Bonnie. Bonnie says, “Whatever you decide to do with her while she’s here is going to take twice as long.” How long could it take to drop her off at the nearest mall for the day while they sit at home watching Judge Judy and eating bonbons?

And why is Avie on oxygen? Smoking. Let that be a lesson to all of us (and trust me folks – Crabby had three grandparents die of lung cancer from smoking, all before the age of 70, and it’s not pretty or fun, plus they missed out on reading my blogs, which is the real tragedy here…see how I turn it around to me? It’s a gift, I swear to God). Anyhoodle, Bonnie shows Kelsey and Sean how to fill up the oxygen tank. Sean says, “If I mess up, she’s gone.” Sean, I’m sure they’ve replaced the nannies with nurses. We can only hope they look the other way when you stop breathing!

Back at Cory and Alicea’s house, Les tells them they are the same age he and his wife were when they got married. Of course, that was right before when Les probably headed off to war and his wife had to ration meat, so it’s a little different than what Cory and Alicea normally face day-to-day. He was married for 65 years and three months. The fact he knows the “three months” means it was either a good marriage or a bad marriage. P.S., it was good and you will need tissues.

Alicea interviews she thought she’d have to change Les’s diapers and help him up the stairs. I hope he doesn’t hear you but if he does, I hope he whacks you but good with his cane. Alicea excuses herself to go get ready for work because once again she’s decided to escape the scene.

Jordan is finding out that “the elderly come with their own issues.” Like not wanting to put up with teens! No, actually, it’s all the medication. Damn, Medicaid is some good insurance judging by George’s stash! Hope they don’t have to do an intervention, although what a good crossover idea – Intervention meets The Baby Borrowers.

This is my PCP, this is my X, these are a derivative of mushrooms,
these I sell to make rent plus some, and these I take for arthritis.

Avie has to fill her tank for the second time while with Kelsey. Probably from all the sighing she’s done dealing with her! Hedy asks Morgan to pop out a pill from a larger pack of what look to be birth control pills. Way to go, Hedy, although I’m guessing mother nature already took care of that? But again, what a suckfest for Hedy, she can’t pop those pills out and clearly the doctor/pharmacy didn’t make it any easier by giving someone who cannot use their hands pills that have to be POPPED OUT BY HAND. Jerks.

Looks like Kelsey’s hauling a few tanks of her own.

Kelly is walking with Gene who P.S. I adore! She asks what he does to occupy his time…yes, he probably just sits in a chair, staring at a dead tree, marking time until Death comes a knocking. Jesus. Gene says they go to the club and work out, clean the house, do some shopping, visit people and watch elderly porn. Okay, I might have added that last part. “Gene is like the rock of old men,” Kelly says. Or, he’s just the “rock of men.” I know some 30 year olds who aren’t in as good of shape as Gene.

After I kick some ass, I’m taking some names.

Kelly does spill some personal info that is so sad. He father used to play golf a lot but was diagnosed with ALS, also known as Lou Gehrig’s disease, which geez, just makes me feel awful. That is one of the worst diseases out there and would really make me question God if I didn’t feel so strongly about the Big Bang Theory. That stinks for Kelly and her whole family, plus her dad is only 47 years old and is now confined to a wheel chair. Yeesh. I guess the only good thing about this is that Kelly is comfortable enough to share this with Gene who tells her to be as positive as she can about the whole situation.

Hedy needs a shower. I thought everyone Morgan watched showed up clean and went home dirty, like the pre-teen who didn’t bathe or brush his teeth while there (Mother of the Year, Morgan!). Because Hedy has no use of her hands, Morgan is going to have to help her with this. Laugh all you want, this could be you someday (but not Crabby, who has taken out long-term care policy otherwise known as “my brother will be taking care of them” if necessary). Morgan has to wash Hedy’s hair, under her arms, all down her back and down her legs. I’m guessing the buttocks region is off limits? Phew!

Morgan shampoos Hedy while Hedy complains about being in the shower and feeling the AC. I think we all hear you on that one! Morgan interviews that elderly people and babies are a lot alike, they both have to be taken care of. Yep, that’s about right. Morgan is really good at helping Hedy and doesn’t even make any faces like you know Alicea would. Gold star for Morgan, today.

I didn’t realize women got shrinkage!
Now your boobs are where they were back in the 1960s!

George asks Jordan what kind of music he likes, and they find out they both love jazz, including Louis Armstrong. George has a lot of 78s, 45s, and 33s. Jordan had a close relationship with his grandfather who loved jazz, so these two are like peas in a pod. They decide to go check out a record store George likes, and Jordan admits George is the person he feels most bonded to his entire time here. Too bad, Sasha. Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner? George!

Add George and Jordan to dinner tonight!
That should round things out nicely!

At the record store, Jordan finds a ton of stuff for George and George admits, “I spent more than I expected!” That’s what happens when you shop with teens.

Back at Kelly and Asshat’s house, Gene is making a kick-ass healthy dinner. Kelly says she loves having Gene around because he’s very soothing and positive. And let’s be honest, after last week’s three-mile island meltdown, he’s exactly what these two need. However, I’m starting to get the feeling that in Gene’s club’s swimming pool are some pods from outer space that are losing their vitality. I’m just saying, he’s awfully energetic.

Can Gene come out and play?

Gene asks how long they’ve been together and when Kelly tells him 14 months, he says, “That’s usually when problems develop.” I’m surprised Kelly didn’t say, “Fourteen months, three weeks, two days, and 4 hours,” but you know, Gene is a guest. Luckily, Gene brought his crystal ball and Tarot cards and tells them everything that’s been happening to them: They do things that irritate each other, things are said that they didn’t mean (oh, I think they meant them), there is a break…Kelly’s face is like “No way!” Kelly interviews that things are awkward right now because she and Asshat are, finger quotations, “Separated. On a break. Whatever.”

Whoa, whoa, whoa…you’re on a break? You know what that means! Asshat can sleep with the girl from the copy place with the belly button ring! And we can talk about it from now through every other season until the show ends!

Gene says sometimes his wife was angry when she was pregnant, and Asshat compares that to when Kelly had to wear the belly and he made fun of her. “I didn’t like being pregnant,” she said. Well you actually weren’t, so lighten up. Gene explains that humor can sometimes be misplaced. That is true only if you don’t have a sense of humor, though, which excludes all of us, right?

Asshat interviews how similar he and Kelly are to Gene and his wife. Uh, no you aren’t. He’s a war veteran who made sure I didn’t grow up speaking German (or Korean, he would have been 15 during World War II), and you are a punk kid who still thinks like it’s 1860. Gene toasts to the both of them that they are as happy the rest of their lives as they are right now. Rut-roh! They’re screwed! He says, “If you love each other, you’ll find a way to work it out.” Again, rut-roh.

Asshat’s Big Wheel.

Dawn the next day and the punk teens are trying to sleep in again. I see Avie headed to make tea, sweet Christ I hope they don’t have gas burners in that house or kablooey! Yes, I wrote kablooey. It’s 6:42 a.m. and Gene is all like, “Get your sorry asses out of bed,” or at least off the floor where I’m sure Asshat has been relegated to sleeping. Asshat interviews that he felt like he was in the military with the waking up to work out early scenario. “I felt like I had a major on my ass.” Hey Asshat, you know the rules: Don’t ask, don’t tell.

You kids having sex?

Guess not…tsk, tsk.

Gene is on cup #15 of coffee that morning and kills a fly with his bare hands. He’s RoboGrandpa!

Morgan goes to dry her hair and Hedy says she’s sit in the kitchen, look out the window and watch the grass grow. Oy. And she does.

Les is out walking and George is out for a ride while Gene takes Kelly and Asshat to the gym, where Kelly proclaims him, “Grandpa on Steroids.” Don’t let the Olympic Committee know…they’ll do, well, nothing. Seriously, Gene is just showing off now doing pull ups and bench pressing like 1000 pounds. I get tired just watching him, where are my Doritos and Yoo-Hoo?

Next I’m going to blast my quads!

Asshat talks about what a great role model Gene is for him and how he hopes to grow up and have the same kind of energy. As long as Kelly doesn’t suck it all from you!

Asshat…what are you doing in gay church? Hope the
frat brothers don’t know about this.

Jordan heads off to work so Sasha is with George today. He takes her to meet his wife of 67 years, Regina, or “Reggie” as he calls her. He kisses her as soon as he walks in and kids, better have the tissues handy because I know I sure as hell needed them during this scene. Sasha quizzes them about how they knew they were right for each other. Reggie says, “It seems like I’ve always loved him,” while George says, “We just seemed to hit it off.”

Insert sweet comment here. No really.
Why do I always have to do all the work?

The narrator tells us that 40 years ago George developed a heart condition and almost died, but Reggie nursed him back to health. “I’m alive today because for the past 40 years she has taken care of me,” George says. Get the tissues ready. “Now I’m returning the favor. I enjoy taking care of her.” Turns out three years ago Reggie suffered a stroke and George has to take care of her. “We gotta go for another 40 years, Regina. Then we’ll be even.” He gets choked up. He puts his arm around her and kisses her. He says, “That’s funny, I’m not an emotional guy, but I got tears in my eyes right now.” Join the club, George! He scoots away from her somewhat, I think to compose himself, but it’s too late. “I usually don’t admit to that.” Wow, that is one hell of a marriage. You just don’t see that anymore. And Crabby or not, I just don’t have it in me to make fun of any of this. Reggie calls him an “Old Windbag.” Okay, there’s your funny comment.

Wow…The Biggest Losers really are getting big, aren’t they? They should have Gene train some of those people, call it The Biggest, Oldest, Losers.

Back at Chez Oxygen, Sean decides to grill Avie on what she thinks about him and Kelsey, which is sort of a loaded question since she doesn’t really know the two of them. “Well, I guess that you love her. And she loves you, I guess.” I stand corrected, she totally gets them! She does warn him against jumping into everything too fast, though, because marriage isn’t always a bunch of roses. No, it’s more like the thorns that prick you when you are trying to fertilize the roses because they’re damn necks are so weak and they keep getting that blackspot you can’t get rid of and how the hell does Martha Stewart do it anyway?

Sean, you make me hope I run out of oxygen!

Sean tells Avie that he did this to show Kelsey they aren’t ready to have kids. “We aren’t mature,” he says, “not 100%.” Not 10%, Sean. “And now she agrees with me. I think we can make this work.” Then he interviews that Avie gave him good advice. Unless they edited out all of her advice, I think he talked and she listened. Poor Avie, probably so bored she tried to turn her oxygen off. Shut up, Sean!

Over at Morgan and Hedy’s House of Hatred of Men, Morgan asks the age-old question, “How come a lot of women your age don’t want their nails shaped square?” Because they’re smart? Hedy replies, “Because they’re smart.” What the…? The hell you say? Oh my God, Hedy and I are the same person. I’m the jaguar to her cougar. And square nails don’t look as good as you all think they do, they look like a frame to the funhouse mirror, just FYI. “With age comes smarts, you know,” Hedy says. I hope so but I’m still waiting.

Am I wrong here, folks? Go back to oval!

“How old where you when you moved into your own house?” Morgan asks. Uh, old enough to know what a FICO score is, Morgan. Trust me, the bedroom at your mom’s house is probably the level of living situation you can handle right now. Hedy was about 18, but she was married and got pregnant “right away,” which is always a good move no matter what generation you are in.

Morgan says, “You don’t like to talk about your marriages?” Hedy says they weren’t pleasant. The first husband went off to war and died. Wonder if he ever met their child? How sad would that be? So she remarried and got divorced, and her third marriage “Was a disaster,” she laughs.

Morgan interviews she likes Hedy’s straightforwardness. “I was taking care of her physically, but she was taking care of me mentally,” she says. Luckily that’s only a part-time job.

Hedy advises her to take her time before going into marriage. She says that she’s been single since the third marriage and happier than ever. Hey, not having to share the remote is reason enough not to get married. That and the fear of bitter resentment. Morgan agrees and says she’s looking forward to using this time to “clear her head” (of cobwebs?) and learning to like herself before getting involved again. I’ve got $20 that says she drunk dials Daton as soon as she gets back to San Diego, and he comes over for a booty call. Twenty bucks. Any takers?

Alicea and Cory accompany Les to the cemetery to visit his wife’s grave. She died on her birthday. Man, how did they find elderly people who were going to rip our hearts out? Nice going, central casting. Les says, “I miss her dearly,” he says, choking up. “She was a wonderful wife and we had a wonderful life together for sixty seven years. I’m looking forward to seeing her in heaven. I still have dreams about her.” Oh, man, where are my tissues? “I feel like in my heart she’s still with me.” Tissues! They put flowers on her gravestone. “I could just kiss her if I could reach her.” He chokes up again. Geez, I hope he has family close so someone is taking care of him. Or he has the deluxe cable package.

Alicea could have worn something a little more respectful,
but at least it covers a multitude of Guns N’Roses tattoos.

The last day of the experiment and the teens are saying goodbye to the elderly visitors. Les shows off some pictures of his wife – one from their wedding day and one from a cruise. She’s a nice looking woman and they look very happy together.

Morgan is baking cookies with Hedy and tells her she “needs the beach.” Or Daton. Same diff. Hedy tells her to think how nice it will be to be alone and Morgan says, “I don’t like being alone.” Please send your $20 to Dear Crabby, care of TVgasm.com. Thanks. Morgan checks the cookies. Hedy says Morgan is a sweet girl. Or that she has a sweet grill. Does it matter anymore?

Gene is getting ready to leave Kelly and Asshat’s house. He hugs both of them and says they are like grandkids to him. His grandkids must be like the Wonder Twins!

Just like my own grandkids, if they were in an abusive relationship!

George says goodbye to Jordan and Sasha by taking a picture with them – he’s adorable.

Real live African Americans right here in Idaho! Who knew!

Avie looks relieved to get away from Sean.

Stop following me, you twit!

Hedy hugs Morgan goodbye, saying, “I’ll send you letters and stuff.” Yes, like the letters A and B, which is as far as she’s gotten. Cory and Alicea say goodbye to Les by teasing him a little – doing that tapping him on the shoulder from one side when you are really on the other. He laughs. I think Alicea cried a little. Or she wiped a mascara booger from her eye, you can never be sure with her.

Can I have some money? I forgot to go to work today.

Over at Sean and Kelsey’s place, the camera operator must have needed a wide-angle lens for that shot of Kelsey (believe me, I looked all over for it but couldn’t find it). She is draped over the chair and they are shooting her from the knees up while she lounged in a chair, legs draped over the arm of the chair, so she looks extra large today. Why do they hate her? Talk about The Biggest Loser, that should be her next reality TV stop, damn. But, you have to admit, it is hard to ignore syrup on the ceiling. She interviews that going back into the house it was kind of lonely and they didn’t know what to say to each other. Baby Borrowers: Empty Nest. This show has everything!

Sasha: Did you remember to turn off the iron?
Jordan: Did you remember to shut the hell up?

The teens have to pack up and get the hell out of the rent controlled houses they are in. Kelly is looking forward to going back to school, seeing her friends, and let’s face it, getting the hell away from Asshat. Asshat tells Kelly he learned that they are more compatible than he thought they were. Wha-huh? I learned you guys should be “on a break,” dude. What show have you been watching? You can tell by her face she is ditching him as soon as they get off the plane.

Jordan says to Sasha, “I learned that you are a grouch in the morning and a grouch at night.” Yeah, that won’t get better with marriage or kids, Jordan. Sasha said the experiment tested them but made them stronger. I beg to differ as do the end results.

Still cleaning up from that teen douche I am Sam. He was busy!

Alicea and Cory are packing and Alicea interviews that if she and Cory would have gotten married and had kids instead of going through this, they probably would have ended up divorced with a custody battle with the kids (neither one would have wanted custody of their brats!).

Cory and Alicea still learning how to problem-solve.

She says, “It would have been a big mess.” Producers, say it with me:

These kids actually learned something! Thank you, Jeebus!

Kelsey interviews that she and Sean came for different reasons, she to show him she was ready to get married and have babies, and he to show her the truth. “He was right,” she says for the first and only time in their relationship. At least he’ll have it on tape.

“Now she knows she can’t do it,” he says, adding, “Thank God.” He’s right, but what a tool.

The girls all take pictures together, and Morgan says, “In these three weeks, I’ve experienced what it’s like to live a whole lifetime.” Morgan, if your vocabulary didn’t involve the words “F*$# Sallie Mae,” mortgage, taxes, FICO, “because I said so, that’s why,” and “what do you mean I’ve been laid off?” you haven’t experienced a whole lifetime, so shut it.

Seriously, shut it before the flies get in.

Kelly has a more emotional moment, saying, “If there is one thing I could say to my parents, it’s that I love them, and I appreciate them more than they’ll ever know,” she chokes up. I said, WHERE ARE MY TISSUES? The teens are shown leaving the houses. “I’ve grown a lot and I really appreciate it.” Every teen in the world should go through this because I do think these kids really did learn that it ain’t easy getting married and raising kids. It is bloody freaking hard, which is why Crabby prefers the single life and her dogs, unless George Clooney is reading this, then call me! I’m home every Saturday night watching Cops and falling asleep with popcorn crumbs on my shirt! Sexier than it sounds!

The last few minutes give us an update on all the teens…Kelly is a junior at Auburn and Asshat is a sophomore (probably flunked women’s studies and history). They are not together but “remain friends.” Alicea wants to be a make-up artist and Cory is studying business; they are not together but “remain friends.” Kelsey and Sean have broken up too. Sasha is studying to become a pharmacist and Jordan is studying to become a pilot. They are not together but “remain friends.” Daton and Morgan gave their relationship “another try” (aka “drunken dial/booty call…pay up!), but have decided to “remain F*#% buddies.”

The last line written on the show under a picture of the teens holding babies reads, “None of the teens want to become parents anytime soon.” MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. Good for them! When I started watching this show, I really didn’t think any of them had the cajones to see this through and really get anything out of it, but the teens did a nice job paying attention. Almost like real people!

Yeah, but with this show it’s actually for real

Then they show footage of George kissing his wife Reggie. After they finished filming, Reggie passed away, and they dedicated this episode to her memory. Poor George, I hope he has family around to keep him company now. If not, I can highly recommend dogs. Not like a spouse, of course, but no opposable thumbs so no fighting over the remote.

Next Wednesday, there is an “interactive town hall event,” and you can email your questions to the teens for discussion on the show next week. My question would be, “Was there any partner swapping during the experiment?” See you next week, kids!