Baby Borrowers: Lessons Learned, Town Hall Meeting Awkwardly Edited

Dear Crabby,
The Baby Borrowers is over. Where can I get my fix?
-Couch Ass Groove

Dear Couch,
Probably the nearest high school. However, why not consider the awkwardly edited Lessons Learned: The Baby Borrowers? Let’s agree to disagree like the boneheads on this show, except for the ones who are wrong, which is everyone except you and me.
-Crabby

Hey kids! Back for one last poke at the dead horse. Although The Baby Borrowers officially ended last week with everyone separated, broken up, crying, and one death (Reggie, the wife of an older participant), NBC wanted to have a quick re-cap of their own, without providing video for me to pull screen shot. Batards! It’s sort of a re-grouping after a day-long field trip that deep down no one wanted, but will remember fondly as they get older.

Hosting this show is Hoda Kotb, who I enjoy on those early Saturday editions of some health show she hosts. I normally see it when I’m up too early running errands and the only thing listed on my TV is PAID PROGRAMMING or The Farm Report, which, really? Is that still on? She provides a calming voice during a time on Saturday when no one, I mean no one, should be up. Even the dogs are like, “I know we sleep 20 hours a day, but what the hell?” She’s on a stage that I believe is the old Tonight Show with Johnny Carson set…nice curtains, NBC.

Didn’t want to spend money for a new set…just use Johnny’s!
He’s dead, so he can’t complain!

Ed, are you drunk again, or has the lighting guy gone nuts?”

Hoda says the teens are “a lot more relaxed” since the last time we saw them. Why, are they having sex with new people now? Hmm. She’s hosting with TV’s Dr. Drew, and at first I thought she was hosting with Dr. Dre, which is a pretty hip name for me to know considering I’m so much of a white girl, I’m almost lavender.

When did Dr. Dre start offering advice?
When it was time to blast a cap in yo’ ass.
Seriously, could I be more white?

Dr. Drew looks a little too comfortable onstage and Hoda is way to excited he’s there. Round of applause for the wannabe rapper Dr. Drew. Woo-hoo-who is this guy?

Wolf Blitzer and Anderson Cooper’s love child.

“We are expecting some lively give-and-take,” she teases. Morgan looks like she’s lost. Also joining them this evening is the executive producer, Richard McKerrow, who I believe moonlights as Mr. Clean.

Executive producer Richard McKerrow…has stolen Santa’s eyebrows!

Hoda explains the whole show concept – teens taking care of babies, toddlers…oh, you know what the hell it’s about. It’s not my fault the America she’s talking to is so tuned out. They show a few clips from the first few episodes – Sasha saying “It shouldn’t be hard,” and Etta’s dad saying, “Are you ready for this?” as Sean wets himself and says, “Uh, not really.” Then they show clip after clip after clip of babies freaking out, screaming, crying, pooping, and my favorite, Etta farting. She’s a really pretty baby. But the farting isn’t very lady like.

As an aside, one of my dogs is freaking out at all the baby screaming. I hear ya, sister, and no worries, we won’t be bringing one of those home from the rescue center! Etta’s dad is another story, me-ow! Just make sure he’s fixed before we take him home.

Seriously. He’s hott. HOTT.

They also show the couples breaking down, including Kelly saying, “I’d rather be single for the rest of my life.” I have that stitched on a pillow, and given the way I’m Eleanor Rigby-ing myself into my late 30s, I think I can consider that goal achieved! Check and mate, eligible single guys!

Ah, my fate awaits me!

Hoda says, “Okay people, who’s ready to have a baby?” a little too enthusiastically, and of course all hands not only stay down, but all the teens are actually sitting on their hands. Kelsey raises her hand. “Not anytime soon,” she says. Then PUT YOUR HAND DOWN. Oh, look, the executive producer has his hand up. Look, Mr. Clean, you are an adult with two other kids, so pipe down.

Sasha says, “Before we did the show, I already knew that I didn’t want to have kids.” What? Why bother going on the show, then? I don’t want chicken for dinner, so guess what? I don’t do anything poultry-related at dinnertime! Well, I did walk by a picture of roosters I recently procured at the world’s longest yard sale, but only because fancy chickens and roosters crack me up. Roosters. Ha, ha, ha. Ha.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Fancy chickens and roosters crack me up,
mostly because I need to get out more.

During the show, it also shows stats like how each year 750,000 teen age girls between 15 and 19 become pregnant. Now we know the ho ratio for the census.

“I didn’t come on the show to prove I was ready to have a baby, I did it to prove I was responsible,” she finishes. You don’t need to play house to prove it. I know I said this before, but why not just make curfew, get a job (since you never had one before this show), and not wreck the car? By today’s standards, you’d be the golden teen!

Hoda asks Alicea about all the freaking out she did (see episode one recap, Alicea’s a peach), and she says she freaked out because it’s someone else’s kid and there’s a lot of responsibility with that. Dr. Drew totally bitch-slaps her by saying, “I hear you talking about being responsible but I didn’t see you actually being responsible with the baby.” Oh, no you didn’t. She will cut you after the show. Better have security walk you back to the neighborhood, Mr. Rogers.

Saying what we all know was true, Alicea says, “I was so over it.” Yes, 17 minutes into watching the kid, you were over it. “But that was a child,” he chides her. “Yeah, but…” is her counter. Riveting.

Dr. Drew asks the executive producer if there were safeguards for situations like this. Uh, yeah, Dr. Drew, if you had watched the show you knew there were nannies in every house, the parents were watching every second, and oh, yeah, there was a crew of about 20 people in the house filming and my guess is at least one of them was a responsible adult. Probably the key grip. He has a grip, and clearly, he is key.

Richard, the exec producer, says everyone was “psychologically screened” prior to coming on the show. The hell you say? Why didn’t we see that? Could you imagine Morgan’s? “Wait, like, what did you ask? I forget already. Did I just eat a fly?”

Uh, I see me and Daton’s relationship, my 8th grade grammar book,
and me and Daton. And a scary wolf! And me and Daton.

Hoda wants to move on to the next piece of tape. Yes, let’s. Moving on to Kelsey and Sean, Hoda says, “Now Kelsey, you wanted a baby right out of the gate, but then your baby didn’t bond with you. There was one point where you got sick…” and they go to the tape of Kelsey turning into a Waldorf salad jiggling all over with a stomach ache. She said it was real, plus the stress of the baby. I’m saying it was the stress only. Then she said this whole thing about how their relationship was rocky anyway. No it wasn’t. Liar, liar, pants on fire, from a scorching case of herpes!

Dr. Drew gets all up in her business about how she checked out and how she must have realized she wasn’t the parent she thought she was. Dude, seriously, the kids already get it, they all learned their lessons. They don’t need to be berated on national TV. Just on intergalactic websites like this one. Kelsey looks like she wants to slap the smug right off his face. Hoda interrupts, “The fun is going to continue, boys and girls, after this break.” Oh, were we having fun? Because? Not really. Every one of my dogs is snoring.

When we come back, the footage is of all the couples in bed, which apparently shocked a lot of people. You know, since no one ever does that on any shows except those on NBC, CBS, ABC, the CW triple times over, every channel on my TV between 101 and 10,000, H-B-Blow, Skinimax, Blowtime, and, of course. TBS. But I guess because this is real, everyone’s undies are in a juicy bunch. Probably because the complainers aren’t getting any. Apparently someone had contacted NBC and said they should stop showing that because it’s wrong in “so many ways.” Yes, teens sleeping together. Unheard of!

Hoda opens it up to the teens. None of them thought it was a big deal, mostly because they were screwing their brains out. Cory says, “Well, we’re 18.” Yes, because sex only occurs after 18. It’s not like they showed them drunk or voting Republican for God’s sake! Mark Tatum, an “Abstinence Educator,” (it doesn’t say that on your business cards, does it?) stands up and says that it was a bad idea to show kids in bed. No, what’s bad is showing them in bed without birth control. Sasha says she and Jordan actually slept in separate rooms because they were “abstinent” and “celibate.” What’s the difference, it all adds up to BOOOORING.

They then ask how many of the couples are together and per last week’s recap, you know they all broke up. They should have combined this with Swingtown! Or do a Swingtown/Baby Borrowers/Intervention thing. That would be the best show ever! And if they included Donald Trump, bingo! The advertising would sell itself.

Hoda asks Kelly if it was the kids that drove them apart and Kelly says she had a lot of personal stuff going on outside of this show. Her father, who we learned had Lou Gehrig’s disease during the episode with the elderly participants, passed away this past May. She was concerned about being away from him to go on the show, but he really wanted her to be on it. That sort of makes sense in how crazy she was acting from time-to-time. Now I feel guilty for just assuming she was PMSing. No, I actually don’t.

“You take out your emotions on the ones you love the most. I didn’t mean to take it out on Asshat, but he was there,” she says. Kelly, I think you did the right thing. Throw the guilt out the door like I did in the last paragraph!

“Let’s roll that piece of tape!” Hoda says, and we get to re-live the last freakout she had. When it was over, she said “We should mention there was an embrace later.” Yes, their relationship is passive and aggressive to the 10th power. Then they show Morgan and Daton’s breakup. Daton looks like Dennis the Menace more than ever with that flippy hair thing he has going.

Hoda admits that the money for the couple who would most likely stay together was Sasha and Jordan. “What happened?” she asked, like it’s any of her business. Jordan said it was trust issues. “What does that mean?” Hoda probes. Oh, Hoda, really. You aren’t Dr. Phil. Jordan says that Sasha didn’t feel he trusted her. Well, I certainly wouldn’t trust her with a toddler, that’s for damn sure. Or a cactus.

Rosie’s coming, right? Right? When do you think she’ll
find a nice husband and settle down?

Now we go to the audience, which looks like it was waiting for the Rosie show but because that ended 2002, they were given these tickets. Sucks to be you! The first girl asks Morgan if it was more difficult being a couple with Daton or a single parent. Well, given that she did nothing when Daton was around, I’m guessing being a single parent was harder. Hope her answer involves the word “like.”

“Well, I think it was challenging when he was there, because, like, it already added stress to the situation. When he left, I kinda like, got my act together,” (for Ringling Bros?), “and just was independent about it.” She looks at Daton and you can see she still loves him. Oh, honey, just run.

Next question, “What stage of parenthood do you like the best?” I like the new dog smell, like the kind I got adopting my dogs. Not so much the barf-o-rama in the car bringing them home (them, not me). I think the best part of parenting is watching the kids leave the house forever, their heads getting smaller and smaller as they get the hell out of your house and you can go back to walking around naked again, which turns out not to be a good idea after all since you are 30 years older than when you started this whole mess. Did I mention new dog smell?

Cory says for he and Alicea, the toddler stage was the best. Because Alicea hated your baby and your pre-teen was possessed by Satan and raised by a mother who didn’t discipline? But then he goes on to say that each stage has it’s own positives and negatives. He’s a pretty good guy overall and very mature. He’ll do well in the business world, you know, once he gets rid of those huge earrings.

Yep, that won’t help during the job interview, unless you are applying for Idaho Ink.

“So what was it like to hand over your baby to a couple of strangers?” Hoda asks. The parents come out next. I hope Etta’s hot dad Chet is there…he is! Schweet! Let’s go to Natalie (Chet’s wife) who is now a brunette and still looks pretty, but is prettier as a blonde. I know the expense of the upkeep, sister, but stay strong! Natalie said she was a teen mother and thought she knew it all, which is why she volunteered both of her kids for this show. She wanted to give this glimpse of reality, not fantasy. She keeps that for her husband!

Hoda turns to the other group of parents. “Julie, you have to confess, was there any part of you, and I want you to swallow your truth pill,” THEY HAVE THOSE? Oh crap! “Was there any part of you that just wanted to see your kid on TV?” Because you could have just videotaped the kid yourself and watched it on your own TV, dumbass.

Alka Seltzer Cold, or Cold and Cough? Either way,
you’ll be spilling your guts!

Julie laughs. “Hoooodddaaa,” she says. Rut-roh. Mommy just wanted to see her wuggums on TV. Good reason to participate, narcissist. She had originally heard about the show from a baby website that had an advertisement about an NBC shows. Wonder what the pay-per-click cost was on that thing, you know parents all want to see their kids on TV. Oy.

Changing the subject, Hoda asks if anyone got paid. Not in cash, Hoda, in nuck-nucks, and if you’ve ever heard a kid scream when one is lost in the mall, you know that is worth GOLD. No one got paid. Wait – Chet is wearing a leather necklace with a charm or something on it. Oh, Chet, it’s too tight for your big, strong neck. Hubba, hubba.

They show the clip of Alicea getting frustrated with Karson and saying, “Fine, starve,” which is a bitch-ass thing to say to a teething kid, and something I totally could see myself doing. Hey, you spend all day trying to feed a kid who won’t eat, well, pack up the food. Rest assured he’ll eat tomorrow. It’s like when I watch my parent’s finicky dog. She knows if she doesn’t eat within 20 minutes of the food being set in front of her, it’s gone and she won’t see it for 24 hours. You can bet your ass she eats the next night. Kids work the same way, don’t they?

Karson’s mom, Kristy, however, looks very 1970s in this reunion show and she admits that Karson was teething and that’s what made it so difficult to feed him, so she kind of let Alicea a little off the hook. Dr. Drew isn’t so nice, but says she made a good point by saying when you have kids it’s not all about you anymore. I don’t even understand those words and I just typed them. Typical Leo, what can I tell you (bet you thought I was a Cancer because of the crab, but no, I’m just your typical self-centered arrogant lioness).

Now here’s the good part…they have a child psychiatrist in the audience who is going to tell us how damaging this was for the babies involved. Go, Dr. Prewitt! “First of all, I understand the entertainment value of the show.” Yeah, I understand the entertainment value of a jack-in-the-box. Doesn’t mean I’m going to trash on it because it scares me with that last crank. “But there is a price being paid by the very smallest members of the cast.” Who has small members? Asshat? Because I could sort of see that.

Seriously, this scares the crap out of me.
Was he the understudy for the Poltergeist clown?

He goes on and on about all the stress babies are under, how they felt abandoned, how they have separation anxiety and worry about taxes. The exec producer said they took things very seriously and talked to licensed psychiatrists and psychologists and made sure everyone was safe. He mentions that kids are often left in daycare and are okay with that, and Dr. Prewitt says, “Not for entertainment value.” Uh. What? How do the kids know if they are being used for entertainment value? Didn’t all kids enter the zygote phase as the result of some form of entertainment? Aren’t they all, in their own little ways, a carnival side show?

The executive producer says he did this for educational purposes and used entertainment to reach a broader audience, which makes sense. Hoda wants the good doctor to make his point. “My job is to speak for these babies who have trust issues,” he says with a straight face. I actually laughed out loud and scared the dogs when I first saw this, and again while writing this recap. Babies with trust issues? They poop, pee, fart, and vomit all the time no matter who is watching. Trusting people is not an issue if you do all that in public. In fact, you are pretty much okay with yourself. It’s once the church grabs you and makes you feel guilty do the trust factors screw you up. Just kiddin’ Jeebus!

“Karson wasn’t eating because he couldn’t. He didn’t understand who was feeding him and that person didn’t understand his rhythms, didn’t understand how to love him, and no matter how confident she [Alicea] is, she’s not connected to him,” he says. Or…and just hear me out on this…HE WAS TEETHING AND EVERY BITE HE TOOK WAS A PAIN THAT HE FELT TO HIS INNER CORE! Ever had a toothache? Same thing.

Does this look easy? Or fun? F#&% NO!

Dr. Drew brings up the resiliency of babies. Yes, many of them bounce back from being dropped on their heads and resume fruitful lives as recappers. Dr. Prewitt then says he wishes the babies could be brought out on stage to back him up. Yes, and only if they could actually form words, although most of them would look at this guy and learn the word “Douchebag” very quickly. “You could tell a lot of them could not recognize who they were with and you can see that in their faces.” Well, you could see that they were fascinated with the shiny, shiny, lights. If that’s fear, then I’m afraid every time I walk in the mall. Boo!

Natalie flat-out says, “You must have been watching a different show.” It almost gets lost with everyone talking, but a few people heard it. Heh. “Babies have no clue when you drop them off to go to work or at their grandparents house when you leave for a few days,” Natalie continues. “They don’t have any clue.” So basically, babies are just like the rest of us!

Kristy gets ticked and says, “As cognizant adults, why would we give our babies up for entertainment value only?” I don’t know, ask Julie down there at the end. The guy then changes his argument to how the show was conceived. Thank God he’s not mad about the way the kids were conceived.

Wiley, Miley’s dad, has something to say and he’s big so everyone shut the hell up until he makes his point. He’s been a stay-at-home dad since 9/11 (WTF?) and they have 4 kids (again, WTF?). He says when the kids don’t feel like eating, or playing, or anything, it’s not a trust issue, it’s that they are babies! When they get dropped off a daycare, they might be uncomfortable, but they have to get through it. They roll the tape where Wiley comes over and helps calm Miley down by talking to Morgan and Daton. “It’s not rocket science,” Wiley says. Well, not where Morgan is concerned.

Dr. Prewitt beleaguers his point and finally Hoda, the voice of reason, says, “Let’s agree to disagree.” The executive producer says they did this to help prevent teen pregnancies. Horny teens! Every parent there said they would do it again if given the opportunity.

When we get back from break, we’re talking about the “pregnancy pact” apparently made by girls at a high school in Gloucester, Massachusetts. This is where 18 teenagers were pregnant at one school and everyone thought it was a pact the girls had about raising their babies together. Turns out there was no pact, it was a media hype, and instead they are just a bunch of whores. YAY!

Left side, cute fiction. Right side, real-life hos
who ain’t going to lose the weight.

They have 4 of these whores on the show to talk about being pregnant. These girls got pregnant at 16, 17, and get this – 13! Geez Louise, 13!?!?!?! Wow, there’s a school in dire need of an after school program, and perhaps a sex ed class. And condoms in the vending machines for the sex they are clearly having in the bathrooms. And perhaps cousins should stop marrying each other. Jeebus!

One woman on the panel is also from Gloucester, had her first baby at the age of 17 about twenty years ago, and now has a 17 year old daughter who is pregnant. Good move! Way to have those sex-ed talks early, dipshit. Her instruction? Just don’t do it. She’s the anti-Nike. Which clearly didn’t work.

Hoda asks one whore how she sees her life going forward. The girls says, “I will be taking care of a baby and…I…don’t…know.” Yep, that’s why you’re pregnant. You’re an idiot and because you didn’t see past the sex to what the consequences would be. You probably don’t think past tomorrow. Nice job, parents.

“Have you talked about abortion or adoption?” Hoda asks. The 17 year old daughter of the woman on the panel says, “I decided that I’d never be able to have another baby if I killed this one.” Got it. Be sure to vote Republican, you know, once you turn 18. If you remember. Although if you couldn’t find the condoms, finding a polling place isn’t going to be up your alley either.

“What about birth control?” Hoda asks. “We’re you thinking about it, were you on it?” Clearly, no, Hoda. “Or was it something you didn’t think about?” A 16 year old girl with some kind of weird nose says, “I had never thought about it.” Chirp chirp. Chirp chirp. It’s like a panel full of Morgans! Besides, everyone knows if you don’t think about getting pregnant, it won’t happen. Just as effective as the rhythm method, too.

Girls, really, they actually put the DAYS on there so taking them
becomes a no-brainer. I’d show condoms, but since the boys are
scarce during this pregnancy conversation, what’s the point?
If they aren’t around for the consequences, they sure as shit won’t
be around for a birth control discussion!

The girl who was 13 when she got pregnant is now 18 and Hoda asks who is raising her daughter. She is, along with her parents and the taxpayers of Massachusetts, I’m guessing. Dr. Drew says, “I have to ask what the viewers are probably thinking which is ‘What were you thinking?’ ” Amen, Dr. Drew. “Were you just not thinking, did somebody coerce you? How did pregnancy become an option for you at 13?”

“As far as getting pregnant or what happened?” she asks, totally confused by how Dr. Drew puts words together in such a way that they form these things called sentences. Nevermind, we get it now, dumbass. Her daughter, who is so cute, is in the audience. Poor kid. She’s 5, so she has 8 more years to go of freedom before she’s knocked up. Fight the power, kid! By the way, 18 year old mom has braces. Sorry your prom got ruined by your kid. Next time, keep your legs closed no matter what the absentee father says to you. He just wants to get at your naughty bits.

So now we switch over to blaming Hollywood for the baby boom with teens. Isn’t everything Hollywood’s fault? I just love that enigmatic blaming process. Blame society, we’re not a part of it! It’s Hollywood’s fault my hardwood floors are scratched. Especially that one spot.

“People” are saying that kids look to movies, TV, and magazines for signs it’s okay to have sex. The Juno Effect, they are calling it. You “people” and your names. I do have to admit that the whole Jamie Lynn Spears thing is not a good one. It’s easy to be okay with a baby at 16 when you have a lot of money, nannies, and the tabloids are showing you off to the public. It’s also easy to look good as a teen mom when your sister is winner of the Worst Mother Ever Award.

Mother of the Year Goes Commando (you know she is!).

Then they parade top-notch people like a psychiatrist, a rep from the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unwanted Pregnancy, and someone from the Media, dun-dun-dunnnn. The media person says that we never do see the true consequences of what happens with teen pregnancy and no one wants to talk about birth control. Seems like 10 minutes of discomfort would be worth it to avoid a crying, pooping shackle around your ankle just when you thought you were about to be empty-nesters. They talk to people in the audience about how much they want babies because Jamie Lynn just had one, and they are all like “HELL NO.” This is where the editing gets really choppy, mostly because I’m guessing they don’t want to show all the dumb questions being asked.

The rep from National Campaign to reduce hos and pimps says that fewer than 5% of pregnant teens put their babies up for adoption. Why should they when the parents raise the kids for them. It’s all part of being your kid’s best friend! This is what friends do, right? Or, slap them on birth control until their 30.

The worst part of this, too, is Where are the guys in all this? You never see boys making pregnancy pacts, right? One of the notations on the bottom of the screen shows 8 out of 10 teen dads DO NOT marry the mother of their first kids. Nice. Way to take responsibility for your squigglies, guys. Or…cap it next time.

She makes this pose a lot. Does she need Poise
or does she really have to go?

To wrap up, Hoda is onstage in a pose that says clearly she has to pee and she’s been holding it in for the entire show. Kelly says you need to know yourself and your partner very well before having kids, but she’d do the show all over again. Cory says wait until you are ready – a long time, because it’s hard. The parents bring out the babies who are all in toddler stage now. Hoda is holding Miley and they hoped we all learned a lesson from this. I did, dogs rule, babies drool (literally and figuratively) and single life suits me just fine.

Well folks, hope you enjoyed the show and learned to cap your soldier or pop that pill or a combo of pills, sponges, rubber, and coils until you really want to ruin your lives. I’ll be recapping Ugly Betty come the fall, and maybe some other specials that come up (fingers crossed Tori Spelling is in another Xmas movie!). Thanks for all the great comments during this show – See you soon!