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We return to our Bachelor Pad having backed up a minute or two to Chris Harrison telling the guys that whoever doesn’t hear their name has to get in the limo and get lost. Then he calls Kasey’s name, Vienna says thank you to all the girls, Michelle heaves a sigh of relief and tells Kasey she loves him as she hands him the rose. Gross.
“And as Miss America, I promise to stop interrupting.”
When Jake takes a moment to say his goodbyes he has a couple of things to get off his chest. He reminds everyone that they had a chance tonight to change the game (“do something very special”), but instead they’re sending the wrong guy home. And if they even want a shot at winning they’ve got to get rid of the power couples. Everyone looks glazed over except for Erica who stands there nodding. Then Jake tells Kasey it was amazing meeting him, BOWS to Vienna, tells her he’s sorry, then says, “My heart… forgiven.” I guess that means he forgives her? I don’t know, he’s just so nice. As Jake gets into the limo, Kasey goes, “Kick rocks, dude.” Oooh, strong words, Kasey. Then he proceeds to remind us that he is the strongest player and is in control of the game as always.
In his Ride of Shame Jake tells us that his mission of confronting and forgiving Vienna has been accomplished and this time he’s not leaving heartbroken – he’s actually glad to be getting away from the crazy house. Word. Back inside the mansion Vienna makes a little speech thanking everyone for voting the way they did because she knows it was for her. Ugh, get out of here, Vienna. You SUCK! And the rest of you? You suck too! Quit keeping these douche mongers around! You think they’re going to let you win?
The next morning Chris tells everyone that today’s challenge is a favorite from Bachelor Pad 1 – the Kissing Contest. Vienna declares that she thinks this is a disgusting contest. Yeah right. Michelle softly says she’s not going to do it.
“I can’t be on TV looking silly…”
She explains to us that she has a six-year-old daughter who doesn’t need to see her engaging in that kind of behavior on TV. First of all, if your six-year-old daughter is watching Bachelor Pad, you’ve got bigger problems. Secondly, you played tonsil hockey with Graham on camera last week, is that different? Ella, on the other hand, takes the opposite approach and says nothing is going to keep her from winning a quarter of a million dollars for her son. If you win Ella, it will be a fraction of that amount, but I’m sure little Ethan will be beaming with pride.
Blake seems to be the only guy excited about the kissing contest because it means he gets to kiss Holly. He tells us that he’s going to do a tonsillectomy today, he’s going into surgery and the doctor is in. OMG, he is such a weirdo! Can you imagine your dentist talking like this? CREEPY. Don’t ever let this guy put you under. The guys kiss first, which means the girls come out one at a time blindfolded and each guy takes a turn demonstrating his kissing abilities. Then each girl will vote for the guy (by number) she thought kissed the best. Holly is blindfolded first and no one wants to offend Michael so the guys just peck her… except for Blake who more like pecks her a dozen times in a row, much to Michael’s dismay. And the rest of the girls get pretty much the same treatment, with everyone barely pecking, then Blake getting more and more aggressive. Of course when Melissa is up, she takes her tonsillectomy as a huge sign that Blake is totally in love with her. When Vienna gets blindfolded she immediately starts whining that she’s scared and no one better stick their tongues in her mouth. Oh I’m sure it will be very difficult for everyone to hold back, Vienna. You are just so cross-eyed and charming. Sure enough, the guys all barely brush past her with their mouths, even Dr. Blake, Oral Surgeon. Vienna delightedly votes for Kasey, whose lips she recognizes immediately.
Now the girls get to demo their skills. Ella takes a minute explaining her kissing technique, which is to go in, then pull back, then escalate, then hesitate. It’s nothing earth shattering. Erica slurps her way through each guy and we get the soundbite about her lip injections again. Really editors? You’re that limited on footage?
“So that’s what happens when you get lip injections?”
The girls all claim that Kasey has terrible breath, so they kind of brush past him like the guys brushed past Vienna. All except for Holly who bites the bullet so she can win.
Either she caught a whiff of Kasey, or caught a glimpse of Chris Harrison.
That’s really disgusting that Kasey has such bad breath. Disgusting, but very fitting. When Holly kisses Michael it turns into a mini make-out. Ella coos about how sweet it is. Then Holly gets to kiss Blake and she almost gnaws his face off. Is this supposed to be romantic?
When Chris comes out to announce the winners he says that this wasn’t even close – it was a landslide. Blake wins for the guys and Ella wins for the girls. Blake claims this means that a couple of the girls think he kisses better than their boyfriends. But really just Holly. Vienna voted for Kasey and the other girls don’t have boyfriends. Calm down, Blake. The winners get romantic one-on-one dates where they MAY give a rose to their date but they don’t have to. Michael is all nervous because he knows Blake wants a piece of Holly. Ella’s date card comes first and tells her that her future is up in the air. She asks Kirk to go with her since they have formed an alliance.
Cut to later, with Ella and Kirk walking outside to find a red sports car waiting for them. William is quite put out now that he didn’t try harder in the kissing contest. William’s still here?
Congratulations to the biggest whores!
Meanwhile Melissa is squealing at the prospect of going on a date with Blake, which she just assumes is going to happen. She’s sure they’re going to have a romantic date and that she’ll get a rose.
“And if I wish THIS hard, maybe he’ll even propose!”
While she talks to Blake about how excited she is for the date he tells her that he hasn’t exactly made up his mind. You see, Blake is torn because he knows he’s being held hostage by the emotionally unstable Melissa, but he really wants to take Holly on the date because she’s hot and sort of taken. Jeepers I wonder what he’ll do. Guys can be very unpredictable you know. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ella and Kirk end up going to a house to eat pizza on the floor on a rug. Jealous? They talk about Ella’s little boy and about Kirk’s mold attack that brought him to the brink of death. (Now I remember hearing about this when he was on The Bachelorette.) Then Ella shares how her stepfather shot and killed her mother right in front of her and her sister. Sheesh! That is a terrifying story and definitely overkill in this Bachelor Pad territory. I’d rather hear stories about wanting the money for a boob job or to get head shots redone. Or, you know, a house on the beach – which this kind of money couldn’t even touch. The point is that Kirk wants to pay his parents back for taking care of him while he was sick and Ella wants to start a shelter for battered women. See how much they both deserve to win?
And now that Jake is gone Erica is searching for her next move. She pulls Blake outside and gives him an oily massage while talking about what a good team they’d make and how creepy Melissa is. At one point when discussing her cleverness she says, “Well I AM in law school.” I’m sorry, what? This girl took – and passed – the LSAT? Or is this like on-line law school? I’m so confused.
Needless to say, Ella gives Kirk the rose and tells us she’s hoping to make a love connection. They walk outside where there is a hot air balloon waiting to take them on a ride. They make out.
Careful, Kirk. I hear mold is “up in the air.”
And back home post-massage, Blake’s date card comes, saying “Love is a slippery slope.” Everyone has gathered in the living room to witness this moment and Melissa wonders what they’ll be doing on their date. Then Blake makes a speech and announces that he’d like to take Holly on the date. Holly acts all surprised and accepts. Everyone looks around to see what’s going to happen – meaning how big of a nervous breakdown is Melissa about to have. Melissa screams out that Blake PINKY SWORE to her and demands an explanation, but before she gets one she grabs Michelle and storms out of the room hysterical. Michelle tells us that some people wear their hearts on their sleeves, but Melissa wears her heart on every article of clothing every single day – including her hair tie and her panties. Melissa is beside herself and wants someone to go and confront Blake for her because this just isn’t fair, and then she calls Holly a slut. When Blake knocks on the door Melissa assures him that he has ruined his reputation and is finished.
Melissa goes on a rampage throughout the house trying to convince everyone that Blake and Holly are in on this together and must be destroyed. She even beseeches the cameramen in one of her interviews to send Blake home because he’s acting like a huge player and it’s just not fair. Much to her dismay, no one seems to want to blame Holly – not even Michael. When Melissa confronts Holly, Holly just says she wants to get out of the house, she flirts with everyone and it’s all a game, after all. Fine, then it’s on to confront Blake one last time and force him to admit that he’s only taking Holly on the date to get some physical action while Melissa is the one he really loves, right? But Blake is busy brushing his teeth and no one else is biting and Melissa is getting more and more agitated.
The next morning as Holly and Blake leave for the date, Michael sulks and Melissa seethes. They are both impotent. Embarking on the date, Holly is a master coquette. She twirls her hair and giggles and acts like everything that comes out of Blake’s mouth is the most clever interesting thing she’s ever heard.
“OMG, you’re 27? That’s hilarious! I’m so glad you brought me on this date! You’re the funnest! Heeee heeee! SO FUN!”
A limo takes them to an airport where they both rejoice over climbing into a private jet. Holly grabs Blake’s hand and screams as the plane takes off. Oh yes, that’s terribly frightening. Holly just hopes they’re not going skiing. Guess what. They’re going skiing. And since Holly doesn’t know how to ski, this is her big chance to rely on Blake and his vast knowledge of winter sports, all the while giggling and flipping her hair and exclaiming over the ice that’s falling on her boobs.
“This totally just fell on my boob! Heeee heeee! So FUN!”
She tells us she’s NEVER been on a date this fun. Oh I’m sure. Blake is feeling like the biggest man on campus right about now. Squeal! Giggle! Oh look how funny to throw snow at each other! OH, look how silly to piggyback and twirl around. So fun! So crazy! Wouldn’t Michael’s little heart just break if he knew how much fun Holly was having? Giggle! SQUEAL! BEST DATE EVER!
And Michael’s at home staring directly into the sun and wondering what Holly is thinking.
“I want to learn the ways of the Force and become a Jedi like my father.”
Is she falling in love with Blake? Well you know Holly, Michael. At the very least she’s flirting MADLY. And it worked on you, Mr. I-fell-in-love-with-Holly-within-10-days-of-meeting-her.
Blake and Holly sit down at a fire pit in the snow and both say this is one of the best days they’ve had. Blake wants to know what’s up with Holly and Michael. Holly takes about five minutes explaining in various vague terms that she really doesn’t know what’s up with her and Michael. It’s hard being around him, she thought it was over, she used to be heartbroken, etc.
Now Michael’s at home staring directly into the fire wishing he had told Holly he loves her. Blake gives Holly the rose. Neither of them wants to come back to the house and Blake tells Holly they can stay overnight if she wants to. She does. Scandal! The guys at home are having sauna time or something because Michael and Kirk are shirtless and Graham is hovering around trying to console Michael as it becomes clearer and clearer that Holly is on an overnight date.
“Let’s try a sweat lodge to bring Michael out of his funk.”
Ugh, Blake mentions that Holly had said she was surprised that she didn’t win the kissing contest. He says he’d have to reexamine the evidence. You’ve got to be kidding me. He said that and she was able to sit there with a straight face? I think he honestly believes he’s being smooth here. Holly’s feeling a little underappreciated and neglected from her months of turmoil with Michael, so this is just the salve her ego needs and they make out. You can tell Blake thinks he’s a total badass. Holly giggles.
Tonsillectomy AND wisdom teeth extraction.
When morning comes it’s more of the same. Michael is still fretting and regretting. Melissa joins him and talks about what a sneaky conniver Blake is. When the Walk of Shame couple comes through the house, Michael comes tearing across the property to hug Holly. Holly goes into the confessional and says, “I miss Michael. But I had so much fun with Blake,” in a tiny whimpering voice and she has this expression like she’s trying really hard to cry, but no moisture is escaping her lids.
Whispering: “I’m so confused right now. There should be tears.”
She even fake wipes a couple of times, but there’s nothing there. Michael sits Holly down and spills everything about how much he loves and misses her. Oh, and did anything happen last night with Blake? Holly goes, “Well… we kissed once.” HA! Michael is devastated. While he metaphorically pounds his head into a wall Holly reminds him that he broke up with her. He walked away from her. Yep. But it’s not so fun when you’re sequestered with her in a house where other guys are trying to bang her, is it?
Vienna finds Holly brooding outside and asks her what’s up. Holly whimpers that she misses Michael but she had so much fun with Blake. We keep flashing back to her in the confessional trying to cry.
Whispering: “My heart is supposed to be broken. But it’s so much fun.”
Later on it’s Pre-Elimination party time. Vienna has switched out her gray eyeshadow for purple tonight. She must be trying to reconcile with Chris Harrison by matching his favorite color. Chris announces that things are back to normal: the guys will vote off one girl and the girls will vote off one guy. Kasey is trying to get all the girls to vote for William, which, William is still here? Kasey sits down with Ella and Kirk and tells them he’s not trying to sell them a story, but the prize money is necessary for his grandma to live. Wait, whaaaaaaaat? I just almost spit water out all over my monitor. The money is necessary for his grandma to live? Could he have come up with a WORSE cliche? Come ON, Kasey. At least think of something remotely original! Gram Gram? Ella goes in and votes for Kasey. Atta girl. Later Grams.
Meanwhile Michael has spread a blanket out on the driveway so that he can take Holly on a miniature date of his own. She giggles at first, then remembers it’s Michael and tries to cry again.
“Start over, Michael. Wrong reaction.”
She questions Michael’s sincerity, and wonders if it’s only the circumstances that are making him feel the way he does. Probably. Holly whimpers again that she misses Michael but she had so much fun with Blake.
Whispering: “Michael loves me. So does Blake. Why can’t I cry?”
Graham, Kirk and William sit around trying to decide whether they should vote for Vienna or Melissa. Hmm, they’re both nightmares, so good luck with that one, boys. They conclude that Melissa should go because none of them wants to get stuck with her as a partner and have to endure her psychosis. Graham says he can’t imagine what Blake must be going through because he doesn’t even speak to Melissa and she drains the life out of him. And here’s Melissa. She stomps around the house approaching each guy and demanding to know who he voted for. When it becomes clear that she’s doomed, she goes to Blake and says she can’t believe he did this to her… and here come the tears again.
“YOU PINKY SWORE!!!”
Then it’s on to begging whichever guys are left NOT to vote for her. This girl knows nothing about playing it cool. Not in this game, and not in real life. Does she think that guys enjoy being owned after one encounter with a girl? Has she NEVER learned about playing hard to get or remaining aloof? She’s 32 for crying out loud! Surely she’s noticed by now that these histrionics are not tactics that work.
Oh good it’s Rose Ceremony time. Ella, Holly, Blake and Kirk are safe with roses. And look who’s going home. It’s William and Melissa. With William, I didn’t even know he was still here, so nothing much will change there. Michelle sniffles and says Will is the salt of the earth. We wouldn’t know it on this side of the screen since we never saw him. William cries a little in his Ride of Shame, saying how much he loves the other players and how much he will miss them. Not as much as you missed the point of this whole game, William. Melissa just sobs in her Ride of Shame and tries to bury her face into the back of her seat while Michelle narrates how evil Blake is for causing Melissa this much pain. Well, he’s a dentist, not a special needs counselor.
“My life is over. OVER!!! And someone needs to make Blake PAY!”
Next week! Everyone plays the “Nearlywed Game” which is this show’s version of the Newlywed Game and it looks like a lot of people are hating on Blake. Uh oh. Who is Holly going to giggle and twirl her hair at? Oh, it looks like Blake still. And so is Erica. She’s trying to team up with Blake by seducing him. Well, whatever. I’ll see you then!
So seriously, what is Melissa’s problem? Also, were any of you even aware that William was still hovering around the mansion? I LOVE hearing what you guys think – it makes my whole day!
Thanks for reading!