Bachelor Pad: Insiders vs Outsiders

PREVIOUSLY ON BACHELOR PAD…

Crazy Eyes Michelle and Juan were the first ones eliminated from the competition.

POST-ROSE CEREMONY…

The remaining bachelors and bachelorettes are celebrating having made it through the first round of eliminations. David shifts his eyes back and forth and says it’s a big relief not to have been voted off.

“Did I really get a rose? What if this is all a dream? What if Chris Harrison planted the idea that I won a rose? OMG I don’t know what is real! Why did I ever see ‘Inception’?”

Elizabeth tells us because guys vote girls off that it’s very important to maintain relationships.

It gives me an excuse to stalk Kovacs.

Kovacs admits that he didn’t play well prior to the rose ceremony. He underestimated Elizabeth and realizes that she is on the girls’ side and has the power to turn them against him.

Hmm what would Brian Boitano do if he was here right now? He’d make a plan and follow through that’s what Brian Boitano’d do. Now I just need a plan…

Kovacs is realizing that being in a couple is better strategy than being alone plus he’ll get regular sex.

Outside Jessie B. and Natalie are making out. In the background you can hear heavy panting. Let’s hope there isn’t someone whacking off behind Jessie B. and Natalie’s couch. It could be just as awkward as Dali whacking off in the same room as boyfriend Federico is banging his girlfriend.

I told you Chris Harrison would rat us out.

THE NEXT MORNING…

Did you hear that sound last night? Sounded like Rosie O’Donnell and a donkey getting it on or a bad case of food poisoning.

Everyone is starting to wake up. Gia tells Craig M. he needs to get some Red Bull or some coffee in him to get him going.

I could go for some Honey Smacks cereal.

Nikki and Peyton are on the couch discussing cliques. Peyton says it’s going to go bananas. Peyton explains that there are the Inside Girls vs the Outside Girls. She, Krisily, Gia, Gwen and Nikki are the Outsiders.

The Outsiders: Before the Sex Change

Melissa enters the room. She tells them it’s time for the next challenge and to get up.

Ah, I didn’t say Simon says get up. Sit your asses back down.

QuasiWeather tells us he must win this challenge and secure a rose.

THE CHALLENGE…

Outside are tables decked out in checkered cloth. It’s a pie eating contest. Someone yells out “No way!”

Way!

Gia tells us she hates pie.

When I was 9 yrs old I went on “What Would You Do?” I ended up on the Pie Pendulum. I’ll let you figure out the rest.

However, she will do what she has to do to make sure she is safe because she too is an Outsider.

Ah there’s Chris Harrison wearing a checkered shirt. Coordinating with the challenges I see, Harrison.

Harrison announces that today’s challenge is a good old-fashioned pie eating contest.

Chris Harrison – “Just like at the county fair. Afterwards you’ll find Melissa manning the kissing booth.” “Melissa – “I’m married.” Chris Harrison – “Not in ABC’s eyes. Here’s some Lip Smackers. Get to work.”

Chris Harrison says there will be one winner for the girls and one winner for the guys. Melissa says whoever finishes his or her pie first wins. Then Melissa adds “Sounds easy, right? Well, you can’t use any hands.”

Isn’t that how pie contests are typically conducted?

Krisily then randomly goes up to Chris Harrison and tells him she doesn’t have a gallbladder.

Chris Harrison – “So? I don’t have a fucking appendix or a soul.”

Krisily tells Harrison it makes food difficult to digest. She says $250,000 is not enough for her to spend the night in the hospital so she’s bowing out.

David tells us Krisily taking herself out of the competition today wasn’t a smart move because she is one of the ones on the chopping block. She should have tried to suck it up and get through it.

“If Jack Bauer were here he’d eat that pie, diffuse a bomb and save his bitch daughter from a cougar.”

The girls compete first. They complain it tastes terrible and pie is going up their noses and in their eyes.

Princess Tenley’s face is covered in pie.

“Mmmmphhh the pie is threatening me. I’m scared!!!”

Princess Tenley starts yelping “I don’t like! I don’t like it anymore.”

“BRING ME DELIVERANCE!!!”

Melissa asks how everyone is doing. Someone mumbles not good. Melissa asks if they need puke buckets. Princess Tenley grunts “Yes!”

Chris Harrison skips over with a bucket.

“Melissa, I’ll let you handle it from here. Cleaning up puke is woman’s work, and I’m wearing my gator shoes.”

Eww one after the other the girls start a chain puke reaction. The guys jump back. David tells us he didn’t want to see the girls throw up, but he guesses that it’s brought them closer since the guys have seen the girls at their worst.

“What there’s something worse than throw-up? Watch the ‘Miracle of Life?’ ‘shrugs’ Okay.”

Montage of the girls continuing to gag.

Blehhhhhhh!!!!

Kovacs tells us he’s pretty sure that Princess Tenley vomited into the pie and continued to eat it.

“I’m not sure if that’s how they eat pie in Princess Tenley’s hood, but it was pretty gross.”

Wes assisted Gia by telling her to lift up the pie tin to slide out the crust. Melissa announces they’ve entered the final stretch.

Melissa – “Ewww.” Chris Harrison – “Shove that pie into your pie holes. Stop gagging. You’re insulting Marie Callender!!”

Gia is down to the bottom crust.

Gia

And so is Princess Tenley.

Princess Tenley – “Bring it!”

Gia is the winner!!!

I brought it!

Now it’s the guys’ turn. QuasiWeatherman isn’t too confident going in. His competition consists of 200 pound guys.

Damn it!

The guys take their seats. Craig M. does some last minute hair fluffing.

Gotta make sure I have sexy pie hair.

QuasiWeatherman tells us he’s an underdog and he needs to win a rose to make sure he stays in the competition.

Kovacs tells us he can eat a lot, and he’s going to win this competition. Then the guys start realizing how disgusting this poon tang pie really is.

David – “This reminds me of that time when my mom tried to switch out Kellogg’s Pop Tarts with generic. THERE IS A DIFFERENCE!!”

Suddenly Craig M. dunks his luscious locks into the pie.

Craig M.’s hair: Tier 2 pie molester on bakery watch lists.

Chris Harrison surmises “Soak some up in the hair, less to eat?”

Chris Harrison – “Well, if that’s the case get your ass down to the Gulf and soak up that crude oil, you chode!”

Craig M. tells us his hair is a multi-purpose tool: soaks up pie and the ladies love it.

But now it’s stained blueberry, hence the hat.

The girls start cheering on QuasiWeatherman, and Chris Harrison announces we may have a winner in our forecast.

QuasiWeatherman – “I see you pie, mocking me. Well, here’s a weather update for you. I’m going to eat you and then unleash a shit storm of blueberry. How you like them apples? I know you’re blueberry. It’s a saying.”

QuasiWeatherman, Wes and Kiptyn toss their pans. It’s down to QuasiWeatherman and Kiptyn. QuasiWeatherman wins!

He’s so ecstatic he runs over to Kovacs and grabs a piece of Kovacs’ pie and shoves it into his mouth.

QuasiWeatherman – “Your pie is mine now, Hoss.” Kovacs – “I didn’t want it anyway.”

QuasiWeatherman ask Chris Harrison for a kiss.

Denied.

Chris Harrison and Melissa give winners Gia and QuasiWeatherman their roses. Harrison reviews the rules again for the dates and tells them to all go get showers.

Good thing because Craig M. is now rocking an Alfalfa style.

‘Sup. Buckwheat and I are going to Waffle House. You in?

Kovacs tells us he’s pissed off that QuasiWeatherman won. Last week Craig M. was supposed to be on the chopping block and he won. This week it’s the same scenario.

Speaking of Craig M., he and Jessie S. are chilling in a secluded area strategizing. Jessie S. reminds Craig M. that the consensus last time was to vote Craig M. off.

Craig M. tells Jessie S. to tell the girls that it is an anonymous vote so they don’t have to go along with the pack.

Also I’ve noticed that Craig M.’s hair is already back in place. Creative editing, ABC? Btw Craig M. is starting to remind me of North Wind from the ‘Miser Brothers’ Christmas’.

Craig M.’s Hair

North Wind’s Hair

Craig M. worries that he will be on the chopping block so he needs that rose.

QuasiWeatherman and Gia are off by themselves discussing who they should give roses to. Gia warns QuasiWeatherman that it’s going to be a popularity contest. She tells him they need to breakdown the cliques.

You mean like Tracy Turnblad?

TIME FOR THE DATE CARD…

The date box arrives for QuasiWeatherman. He chooses Gwen first, Peyton second and Ashley. Looks like Krisily’s sucking up didn’t work after all.

Krisily tells us now that QuasiWeatherman didn’t pick her she has no confidence whatsoever of staying in the house.

When even the dorkiest guy won’t pick you what hope do you have?

Kovacs takes note that QuasiWeatherman is taking girls with him that haven’t hooked up with anybody in the house. He thinks Quasi might be even more of a threat than anyone realizes.

He’s like Orko man. He knows spells.

I don’t see myself as Orko. I’m more of a Man-At-Arms.

QuasiWeatherman tells us he hopes he charms the ladies because this is business and we got something to talk about.

QUASIWEATHERMAN’S GROUP DATE…

The limo pulls up to a building. Inside is Melissa, and she greets Quasiweatherman and his broads.

She tells them tonight’s date activity involves them using their bodies as art, specifically as paint rollers.

Ready to be a giant Crayola Crayon?

Ashley tells us she’s feeling nervous. Melissa leaves. Obviously she doesn’t want to see this.

Speedo: The Sequel

Quasi and his ladies start off with hand prints then foot prints.

“Picture Pages, Picture Pages, Time to get your Picture Pages, Time to get your crayons and your pencils…” [closing] “You can play with Picture Pages, Fill your day with Picture Pages, ‘Till Bill Cosby does another Picture Page with you!”

Then QuasiWeatherman starts rolling.

Stop. Drop. And Roll!

The girls decide to douse him with the rest of the paint.

Ohhh I feel just like a Bill Cosby Picture Page!!!

The girls and Quasi start twirling Peyton around. Peyton screams, “Look I’m like a Merry-Go-Round. Who wants a ride?”

BACK AT THE BACHELOR PAD…

Looks like a hot tub orgy for the Insiders. Meanwhile the Outsiders are hanging out in their bunk beds. Krisily is bitter. She doesn’t want the Insiders a.k.a. the Cool Kids to win.

Gia puts her straw thinking cap on.

 

It’s time to strategize. This brain is powered by straw.

Gia tells the girls that with her group date she has the power to change the game.

BACK AT QUASIWEATHERMAN’S DATE…

Our group has cleaned themselves up and it’s time to eat. QuasiWeatherman pulls Peyton aside for some one-on-one time.

Peyton tells Quasi that she thinks the come has come for the house to split. QuasiWeatherman tells Peyton that Gia is on their side.

BACK AT BACHELOR PAD…

Kiptyn asks Elizabeth why Gwen and Ashley for the group date? Elizabeth tells Kiptyn and Natalie don’t underestimate Ashley because she’s super smart.

BACK AT QUASIWEATHERMAN’S DATE…

QuasiWeatherman tries to feel out where Ashley’s loyalties are. QuasiWeatherman thinks that he got Ashley to flip. He feels like he’s a bit of a puppet master right now. Eh I don’t think so.

QuasiWeatherman switches gears and decides to nix strategy talk and romance Gwen because they have a connection. Out of the three girls QuasiWeatherman admits that he would most likely date Gwen.

Quasi gushes he and Gwen have a lot in common: Italy, tennis,

Lipstick. Check out the shine on QuasiWeatherman’s pucker. Maybe it’s Maybelline?

He decides to give his date rose to Gwen.

Gwen tells us a lot of people in the house think that QuasiWeatherman likes her but she assures us that’s not going to happen in a million years.

I’m not that desperate. Okay, moderately but still…

Ashley is disappointed that she committed to the Outsiders, and she didn’t get a rose. She doesn’t know where to go from here.

THE NEXT MORNING…

Everyone is in the kitchen and the guys are like “Gia, it’s date night. Ooo.” Gia tells us she’s excited for her date night. She has the Power of Greyskull tonight and she’s gonna use it.

Gia sits down with QuasiWeatherman to find out how his date night when and to discuss strategy. Gia tells QuasiWeatherman that the plan is to give Craig M. the rose.

Why the fuck do you want to do that? He has pie molester hair!!!

Gia tells Quasi not to worry about the other guys because they make fun of him, no one can trust Ashley…basically Craig M. is all he has.

QuasiWeatherman grudgingly agrees with Gia that Craig M. needs to stay so they have the group numbers for voting.

Peyton stops by. Peyton backs Gia up that Ashley is two-faced and on the Cool Kids’ team.

THAT EVENING…

Gia’s date box arrives. Gia’s first pick is Wes.

My pie pep talk worked!!

Craig M. – “ So you’re the Peculiar Purple Pie Man of Porcupine Peak.” Wes – “Yah-tah-tah-tah-tah-tah-tah-tah,tah-tah-tah-tah! Cha!”

Gia picks Craig M. for her second choice. Then for her third choice she claims to pick a person’s name out of a bowl but really she has Jessie B.’s name written on all of the slips.

Jessie Beck. Jessie Beck. Jessie Spano? Jessie James? Jessie Jackson? Uncle Jesse? Hey, who fucked with my bowl?

David tells Gia to stir the names around. Haha they’re totally buying Gia’s act. Gia’s like nah I got it. And the third guy is JESSIE BECK!

AT GIA’S GROUP DATE…

One of the guys demands to know what they’re doing.

I was thinking a Bukaki gang bang. It’s a group activity. No one will feel left out.

Gia tells us she needs Jessie B. and Wes on their side. Her plan is to give Craig M. the rose to make sure he’s safe.

The guys say too bad Gia has a boyfriend. Gia just laughs. Wes tells us he hopes Gia gives him the rose tonight.

I deserve it. I haven’t done one evil thing to Gia…..yet.

Jessie B. tells us before Natalie he was hoping Gia would be on this show because he’s been wanting to meet her for some time. Uh oh Natalie.

Gia steals Craig M. away to talk to him.

BACK AT BACHELOR PAD…

Kovacs, Kiptyn and David are sitting on the couch worrying about Craig M. getting the rose.

BACK AT GIA’S GROUP DATE…

Gia tells Craig M. she promises to give him the rose. She talked to her girls and they all agreed even QuasiWeatherman.

It was my sexy pie hair, wasn’t it?

Also check out Gia’s hand. It already has henna on it. Poor editing ABC.

BACK AT BACHELOR PAD…

‘The Plastics’ are freaking out about the possibility of Gia giving Craig M. a rose.

Elizabeth “My boobs are telling me rain is coming.”

Elizabeth says it’s the Cool Kids vs the Outsiders.

BACK AT GIA’S GROUP DATE…

Gia has kicked Craig M. out of her wicker boudoir and replaced him with Jessie B. Their fun activity is henna painting.

Jessie B. asks Gia to write “Love Jessie in a heart”.

Hey I meant Becks not Katsopolis!!

Gia talks strategy with Jessie B. too. She tells him how there is a certain group of guys and girls that will protect each other to the end and that it’s in his best interest to join her team. Gia adds she knows he’s with Natalie and she has nothing against Natalie it’s just a game.

Jessie B. immediately throws Natalie under the bus and says it’s just a game and he won’t have a problem when Natalie goes.

I’m here for $250,000. Natalie is just a tap and run.

And Jessie B. tells Gia he’s here to meet her.

Hahaha you and every other guy here. Pick a deli number and get in line kid.

BACK AT BACHELOR PAD…

Kovacs and Elizabeth are scheming. Elizabeth is like “God why am I so dumb. You know what I am? I’m a dumb smart girl.”

Kovacs doesn’t disagree. She asks how she can make it up to him. They start making out. Kovacs and Elizabeth head inside and hop into the shower together. Of course the cameras follow.

Sexy music plays. Elizabeth – “Eww Kovacs. You need Head & Shoulders.” Kovacs – “You know what head I need.”

BACK AT GIA’S GROUP DATE…

It’s Wes’ turn. Gia takes out some lavender oil and starts fondling Wes’ hand. She starts laughing uncontrollably. Then Wes says they should probably cut to the chase. Gia asks what is Wes’ strategy. Wes says he has no strategy. Gia is like bullshit but then Wes tells Gia he is crazy about her. He feeds her a line of crap and tells her he LOVES HER and of course she falls for it.

Gia tells Wes if things were different she wouldn’t care about the game. She would be with him.

Yes, Evil Wes strikes again. Mwhahaha.

BACK AT BACHELOR PAD…

Krisily is telling QuasiWeatherman (in her loud annoying voice) that it’s in Gia’s best interest to keep Craig M. and give him the rose.

QuasiWeatherman thinking to himself – “Gawd Krisily is so annoying. She reminds me of Rhoda from Mary Tyler Moore. Always yelling instead of talking.”

QuasiWeatherman admits it is better to keep Craig M. around.

BACK AT GIA’S GROUP DATE…

The guys want to know who Gia is giving the rose to.

Or can we at least get going with the Bukaki???

Gia tells us her head is saying give Craig M. the rose, her vajayjay heart is saying give Wes the rose. Craig M. is sitting on the edge of his seat because he was already told by Gia that he was getting the rose. Gia says I’m giving the rose to the guy who helped me win this challenge, Wes! What!?!?! He didn’t eat that fucking pie for you!

Wes – “Yah-tah-tah-tah-tah-tah-tah-tah,tah-tah-tah-tah! Cha!”

Damn! I was just played.

Craig M. tells us he was just kicked in the nuts.

Wes tells us Gia is a great girl. They have a connection. And even he, Evil Wes, has emotions.

Once a year my heart grows three sizes and then I burn Whoville down.

Gia admits she just messed up the game plan and there’s going to be a lot of mad people in the house. She says she made a mistake but morally did the right thing. Whatever.

BACK AT BACHELOR PAD…

Gia and the guys arrive home. Wes says there was only one rose and fortunately it was him that got it.

David – That’s because you’re THE MAN, Wes. You’re my boy, you’re my boy Wes.” (tears up)

David is like hellz yeah Craig M. is going home. Krisily is like Gia is a stupid whore.

Jessie S. tells us she is a floater and has ties with both groups. She goes to hang out with David in the hot tub and tells him she can be a spy. She’ll pretend to be with the Outsiders but will secretly be a Cool Kid. David tells her “I don’t know if I can trust you.”

David – “I’m serious. I have trust issues. I don’t even let anyone order for me at McDonalds. I have to order it my way.”

Jessie S. proposes then to seal it with a kiss. The two start making out as Krisily watches.

Crazy Eyes Michelle left her night vision camera to me. Figured I’d try it out.

Krisily tells us Jessie S. is a snake and she’s going after her. Krisily goes to Kiptyn and tells him Jessie S. is the most malicious liar in the house and she needs to go.

THE NEXT DAY…

Kovacs tells us tonight is another elimination night. Upstairs Gia is  telling Jessie B. about her scars. Are they from Mortal Kombat?

Jessie B. says Natalie is a cool girl but Gia is girlfriend material.

OUT AT THE POOL…

Jessie B. tells Natalie that he loses interest really fast. He insinuates that she’s made the rounds through the guys. Natalie admits it. She says she has no shame.

Jessie B. plays the friend card. You’ve been friend zoned Natalie!

He tells us he’s an Outsider and Natalie is a Cool Kid. I guess their worlds are too different.

Gia and her girls plan to vote off Kiptyn.

GETTING READY FOR THE VOTE…

Montage of beautifying, waxing unibrows, stuffing bras.

Clink! Clink! Chris Harrison is here!!! Check out his tie.

My wife was watching the Rachel Zoe Project and got inspired. Don’t laugh. I know it looks ridiculous but I need her in a good mood. I’m planning a boys’ weekend in Vegas.

Harrison reiterates the voting procedure. He asks how has it been around the house.

Craig M. and Elizabeth say everyone is getting paranoid.  Chris Harrison says “Ah who can you trust especially the relationships in the house.”

What if I told you we planted a mole, a contestant who has HERPES!

Harrison asks how is Elizabeth’s relationship going? Elizabeth compares her relationship with Kovacs to Kiptyn and Tenley’s relationship. Princes Tenley says “Hold up. Physical differences for sure.”

Princess Tenley – “Don’t besmiched my purity.”

Elizabeth says “Thanks for calling me out on that. I feel rude.” Okay you got it on in the shower. Everybody knows what you and Kovacs are doing, Elizabeth.

Princess Tenley starts to cry. Then Elizabeth is like no, no we’re just being overly sensitive. Ugghh then Krisily cuts in and says “No talk in plain English. People are maliciously lying.”

Everybody start giving examples of lies. Jessie S. says people need to confront one another so they can dispel the rumors.

Chris Harrison smiles and says “Yes, I can see everything has changed.” He loves this shit.

VOTING…

Everyone starts voting.

The Plastics meet again.

Elizabeth to Natalie -”Oh my God, I love your skirt! Where did you get it?”

Elizabeth warns Ashley “If you deceive the trust of your own…you’re next.”

Aww shit son!!

Elizabeth wants to know who is voting for who. Obviously Ashley says Craig M. She doesn’t want to be on the chopping block next but tries to seem like she’s doing it because she wants to. She claims she’s an intelligent girl with her own brain. Elizabeth learns about Jessie S.’s flipfloppping and she isn’t pleased.

David and Jessie S. don’t know where these rumors are coming from. Umm it’s the Angelina of Bachelor Pad: KRISILY!!!

Meanwhile David is meeting with Jessie S. to confront her about being untrustworthy. David wants to know who she is voting for but she says she doesn’t know yet. She says I guess Craig M. Hmm doesn’t look good for you Jessie S.

Kovacs, David and Kiptyn vote to get rid of Krisily.

QuasiWeatherman gives Jessie S. a hug and then votes her out. Even Craig M. votes her out.

Krisily tells Gwen and Nikki that she thinks she is going home now because she saw David, Kiptyn and Kovacs talking.

Kiptyn, David and Kovacs get wind of the plan to vote out Kiptyn and decide they need a swing vote. Kiptyn is sent into work on Nikki. Looks like the  plan works. Nikki’s friendship with Kiptyn overrules her better judgment and she votes for Craig M.  to go.

ROSE CEREMONY…

Chris Harrison welcomes the bachelors and bachelorettes to the rose ceremony.

Melissa – “Nice tie, Harrison.” Chris – “Shut up, Melissa. Remember I’m Regis, you’re Kelly. This is my SHOW!”

Craig M. and Jessie B. are the last ones standing without a rose.

How can this be? My hair: flawless. My outfit: Miami Vice.

Gia is upset because Craig M. got voted off. Hey Gia, you had your chance to protect him and YOU BLEW IT!! Gia attempts to hug Craig M. and he turns away from her.

I guess I’ll go home and dunk my hair in some pie.

David is upset he couldn’t save Jessie S. but he says he has to move on.

Jessie S. said she tried but couldn’t stop the rumors, maybe she should have kept her mouth shut. She really likes David and hopes there’s something for them beyond the house.

Maybe Cheaters is hiring and I can go bust people having affairs.

Gia tells us one person fucked us. Nikki admits it was her who voted for Craig M. Looks like the Outsiders’ alliance is crumbling fast.

See you guys next week!!