Bachelor Pad Recap: Nut Sacked and Bushwhacked

Yes, you are having a great time! 

Ok, Gasmii- we are back for another week of drama, betrayal, vendettas and tears! Our very own twisted soap opera, Bachelor Pad.

We begin where the last rose ceremony ended. Reid is stunned that his evil plan misfired and Ed didn’t go home. He’s also worried that Ed will find out he was the mastermind behind the girls voting for him. The weak link in his mind is Sarah.

Sarah is trying desperately to get back in Ed’s good graces but he’s pretty much done with her right now so she cries.

Reid is trying to explain to Donna why he’s screwed but she’s having a hard time following his logic because boys don’t usually expect her to understand things. Why doesn’t anyone like the super fans again?

Ed and Jacklyn are having a deep conversation about betrayal and liars. He wants to take his balls and go home but she wants his balls naked and somewhere more comfortable so she convinces him to stay. Ed is feeling revived with his 2 best friends at his side, Jacklyn and Reid, he is focused on winning. Poor Ed.

You’ve got a friend in me.

 The next morning, Chris Harrison introduces the remaining players to the obstacle course, “Hot Sludge Fun Day.” ugh, really? The girls go first through an ice cream sundae themed mess, hop in a nutsack, tag the boys then the boys, get in the nutsack, go back the other way through the sludge and foam. The twist? All the boys step to the left and swing their partner to and fro… ok, no but they don’t have the partners they thought they had and some of the players are really pissed. Jamie knew that David would work his ass off to win and Ed doesn’t work his ass off to do anything so she feels screwed. Chris is pissed because Jacklyn came in last and he wants to win. Some of the players aren’t as worried. Kalon for example, feels that Erica Rose is fully able to win this by eating her way through it. Yes, we know this was mean and inappropriate and we should be furious, and we will be, when we stop laughing.

This one time at band camp…

We’d like to give you a play-by-play of the race but they keep saying nut sack and we can’t stop giggling. Yes, we are grown women but come on! You say nut sack a hundred times and see if you don’t turn into Beavis and Butthead.

It’s a photo finish between David and Michael. Who wins? David! Yay, we guess. It’s always fun to see an underdog win plus Rachel was David’s partner so you know Michael will end up with a rose, too. This way everybody wins. Way to go, producers!

The race is over and everyone is headed back to the house…oh wait, have we forgotten someone?

Ed can’t seem to get it up.

Jamie and Ed have come in last because although Jamie came in first for the girls, Ed never made it over the mountain so they both have a vote against them. Ed says that “this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.” Really Ed? What a delicate flower you are! We’re pretty sure that being a reality TV “star” would be the worst thing that could happen to you, but whatever. Whiner!

Is it cancer, Ed? No, you just lost a challenge?  

While the rest of the group get their nut sacks hosed down (we know you giggled- do not judge us!), Reid pines for Jillian and how he hates Ed. DUDE- your season was THREE YEARS AGO. Let. It. Gooooo! You are sad and pathetic!!!! And less hot every time you speak!

In another crazy place of the house, Blakely believes that David “owes” it to her to take her on the date since she “stuck her neck out” and invited him on hers. Ok, we kind of agree with her that it would be the nice thing to do to invite her since she invited him. Jamie has all her fingers crossed that she gets to go AND she gets the rose.

David does invite Blakeley. And Erica? Erica then admits that David has gotten smarter since the first show… David also invites Jamie so her hopes are high! Chris thinks David is an idiot when it comes to women, this coming from a guy who has kissed both Jamie and Blakeley.

They arrive at PROM!  At least the producers don’t have any illusions about what Bachelor Pad is really all about. A high school experience for 30 and 40 somethings (let’s be honest, most of these people have to be lying about their age).

Jamie tries to call a truce with Blakeley so they can have a good time but mean girl Blakeley won’t have any of it. “Jamie tried to steal my partner!” Wow. Where are we? Oh wait, yeah, prom. Ok, carry on…

Meanwhile, back at the ranch. It’s book club night! No, instead of reading War and Peace, they are throwing limes at each other.

Mastermind Reid decides to talk Ed into believing they are friends. And Ed totally falls for it. Sigh, poor Ed. He even calls Reid “trustworthy.” Ugh, this is almost painful! 

Back at the Prom, David declares he has had luck at the prom before. Wow, what lucky girl did he just call a slut?  He also says that all the ladies look beautiful and they are all having a great time.

Stay away from any buckets of blood.

Jamie never went to her prom so is living it up like it’s 1999. When she was in high school, her mom “starting disappearing” so she missed out on a lot. Can someone fill us in? Was her mom in a magic act? Was she hooking on the strip? What’s going on?

Speaking of hookers, back at the house everyone is drunk and Ed is struggling to get Jacklyn back to his bunk.  He’s not quite so pouty and pathetic at the moment.

It’s good to be the king! 

He’s had 2 girls in 2 nights- 7 more days and he’ll have the full house!

Back at the prom, Jamie and David are having one on one time that is going on and on and finally Blakeley has had enough. It’s her turn, so get out Jamie.

Blakeley now feels that David “owes” her the rose. Hello, Crazy! You didn’t give him a rose? He took you out on the date just like you did, favor filled. How does she think he has to give her a rose? David then gets brutally honest again by telling her he’s promised the rose to Jamie. Blakeley puts David on her “diarrhea list.” We would take this as a compliment.

And your little dog too!  

Erica and Blakeley have to leave immediately. Jamie and David get to stay and dance for a while. Anyone else think this was THE most awkward dance, ever?  We haven’t danced like that since 8th grade. You know, when you talk animatedly the whole time so he won’t try to kiss you and you keep your hands moving so he has to stay back a bit? Erica thinks they look like they are in love in the pictures; Erica has obviously been blinded by all the bling in her tiara.

My mom is picking us up at 8.

It’s time for Rachel to pick her dates. Nick, Tony and Michael are going to accompany her on the date and Tony actually thinks he has a shot at getting the rose. Come on Tony, don’t be pathetic too!

They arrive at… Madame Tussauds Wax Museum. And Chris Harrison is there in a Bachelor exhibit. Or is he a wax figure? It’s both! Chris tells them they will get to dress up too and scare/surprise some fans. Right, because they have already shown so much love to the fans in the house…

Back at the house, Jamie is giddy to go meet with Chris and tell him all about her plans for them in the house and the game and their marriage and kids…

It’s not me, it’s you…um, no wait, switch that.

Wow! Have you ever heard of a guy using the “it’s not you, it’s me” speech to get out of sex? We’re not sure if we admire Chris for not stringing her along or hate him for being an arrogant ass.

I didn’t really want to fall in love anyway. 

Jamie falls apart- can someone get this girl some Paxil? Or get us some demerol because this shit is painful!  The next 3 minutes of this show sets women’s liberation back 3 decades! She admits she’s awkward at dating. Awkward?  Understatement of the year! She just wants a family and someone to spend the holidays with. Good Lord! Confiscate the razor blades people! 

Let’s get to something happier please, Rachel and the guys are ready to scare the crap out of some random people. The fans start arriving and the producers think it would be funny to ask questions of the fans and they were so right- it was hilarious!! They ask one group about Tony and none of them could remember who he was! Classic! But it gets better, one lady finally remembers Tony and asks, “What’s a nicer word for pathetic?” Holy cow, give that lady a rose!

What’s his name again?

Most of the fans want to meet Michael and one lucky lady gets a picture of Michael faux-proposing to her. Rachel thought it was cute, sort of. It will be sweeter when it’s happening to her for reals.

It’s time for Rachel to pick who gets the rose. Tony is super nice and Nick is “really great at standing still.” Wow- which is worse; being a nicer word than pathetic or the best at not moving? Neither because Michael gets the rose. Big surprise. Tony and Nick ride back to the house and Tony wonders why Rachel can’t see how badly he wanted the rose. Maybe because you’re pathetic? Just sayin…

Rachel and Michael get to spend some alone time and Rachel shares with Michael that she’s worried he’ll break her heart. He reassures her that he likes her, he really, really likes her. And then they make-out. Can someone teach these contestants how to kiss- some of the grossest make out sessions we’ve ever seen so far this season!

Back at the house, Sarah finally gets her chance to make it up to Ed by telling him everything about the alliance against him. Ed tells her that Reid is his best friend and Reid says he’s safe. If some guy says something that stupid to us, it’s over. Ed asks Sarah if he’s being stupid and she says, “yes.”

Ed gets to confront Reid in the hot tub. “Just be honest with me dude, I keep hearing things about you.”

Reid responds with, “I don’t think you did hear that.” “I did!” “I don’t think you did!” WTF?!!! This was a total girl fight!

Really? They have been around Blakeley way too long and have all gone crazy. At least Reid knows he’s screwed.

Chris Harrison convenes the group to discuss the upcoming rose ceremony. He wants to know why it’s so much quieter in the house. Has he forgotten the twins already?

The alliances are all scheming and counting votes and each are certain they are all set. The popular group led by Michael vs the underdogs led by Reid. What none of them know is that they are all really being led by Kalon. He is telling everyone exactly what they want to hear. Seriously, this guy cracks us up.

It all shakes down to Donna or Blakeley going home for the girls. Ed or Reid for the boys.

Blakeley is extra crazy and everyone tries to calm her down but she is about to lose it and confesses that she “is a Scorpio and will sting the crap out of you” if you cross her. Do people say stuff like this? We have never invoked our sign when talking about our behavior but maybe that’s just a Scorpio thing…

Donna is also shaken by the news she might be leaving. “I can’t leave the Bachelor Pad without hooking up.” Good Lord, America, this is our future! Luckily Nick has been standing very still next to her, heard her dismay and swooped in to save her from a fate worse than death. They start making out and we start gagging.

Reid makes one last effort to sway Jacklyn to his alliance by doing exactly what he criticized Sarah for doing. He told Jacklyn that Ed was going home and he wanted to be her partner. Jacklyn started crying because she was drunk. Or maybe she was feeling sad because Reid is so pathetic, we might never know because ABC didn’t caption her part of the conversation. No, it wasn’t that bad but we have to wonder if these people are drunk 24/7.

I can get my nut sack up a mountain.

Reid is disgusted with Jacklyn for crying, because it’s just a game. Ed finds out what Reid did and is disgusted with Reid because he thought they were friends. Jacklyn is disgusted with Reid for being a snake and decides Reid needs to go.

We agree. Reid needs to go. the chip on his shoulder has gotten too painful to watch anymore. The guy’s swing vote this week is Sarah. Will she vote for Ed and then blow snot all over the camera again in her regret? Or will she vote for Reid and redeem herself?

It’s Rose Ceremony time!

The ladies get down to Donna and Blakeley. The guys Ed and Reid. Just as we thought- is this scripted?

Blakeley is safe and Donna is going home.

What you look like when you hear your sure thing is going home.

Ed is safe and Reid is going home.

Jacklyn wants to take a parting shot by saying they should all be more honest. We’re pretty sure that David has been honest and gets punished repeatedly for it, but whatever.

Time for good-byes.

 I guess you did hear what you heard.

But I’m a slut, how can they send me home?

Next week on Bachelor Pad they play truth and everyone loses. And Blakeley gets even crazier.  As if that’s possible.

Chime in, Gasmii- tell us what you think! Jane needs the validation from your comments!  

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