PREVIOUSLY ON BACHELOR PAD…
Jesse B. and Peyton got the boot after being promised by both Natalie and Princess Tenley that they would be safe. Now it’s down to the “Super Six”: Princess Tenley and Kiptyn, Natalie and David, and Elizabeth and Kovacs.
We’ve finally reached the end thank god! Ready to find out who will win? Let’s go.
PART 1: FIRST HOUR AT BACHELOR PAD
The remaining couples head back inside. Natalie exclaims “Hey guys, how ridiculous is this?” One of the guys yells “Super Duper Six!”
Elizabeth murmurs “So many lucky things had to happen to get us here.” David adds “A lot of good planning.”
David – “And the plan was to have no plan.” ‘wink’ Natalie – “That’s brilliant.” David – “Why, thank you.”
Kovacs – “Um don’t forget I was part of the ‘No plan’ plan.”
David tells us he and Kovacs have a pack to make it to the final two couples. He says the next elimination cut will be deep.
Natalie tells us she is falling for David hard and is lucky to have him as her partner, but she realizes they made a mistake in voting off Jesse B. and Peyton. Natalie’s plan is to get rid of Elizabeth and Kovacs in this next elimination.
THE NEXT MORNING…
Kovacs, David and Kiptyn are in the kitchen. Chris Harrison yells for them to get their asses into the family room.
Chris Harrison – “Good morning children.”
Harrison explains “Today’s competition is easily the most important you have ever faced.”
Chris Harrison – “More important than trying to lose your virginity to Jordan Catalano ‘cough’ Angela.”
Elizabeth – “Mmmm Jordan Catalano.”
“The couple who wins today’s competition guarantees themselves a spot in the final four,” says Harrison.
Chris Harrison warns them that they will be tested physically as well as their chemistry as a couple.
Chris Harrison – “Today’s competition is…ballroom dancing. Mwhahahaha.”
Kiptyn’s eyes bug out. Natalie yells “Come on twinkle toes.”
Chris Harrison says each couple will get to work with a professional dancer. Then the couples will perform in front of a panel of three judges.
Chris Harrison – “We want choreography, skimpy outfits and awkward moments…like when we plant Jake Pavelka as a guest judge.”
Kiptyn is worried. He is a terrible dancer so he will have to rely on Princess Tenley. Princess Tenley boasts that she is trained in jazz, tap, square dancing, break dancing, hand-jiving, hand-jobbing, 69-ing and hokey pokey but has no ballroom dance experience.
Princess Tenley – “Also my partner is untrained. How will I be able to get him to execute the perfect Humpty Dumpty?”
Chris Harrison tells them to get their game faces on and leaves.
Elizabeth tell us “To be honest I don’t like to dance.”
Elizabeth – “I was once told that when I dance I look like the Goosebumps marionette Slappy.”
The couples head outside to the three limos awaiting them. Kiptyn and Princess Tenley giddily climb into theirs. Inside Princess Tenley giggles and claps. Elizabeth and Kovacs jump into their limo and begin immediately defiling it. Inside Natalie and David’s limo, Natalie tells David “Finally that urban dance class, you know like the one that Honey teaches, I’ve been taking will finally pay off.”
Princess Tenley tells Kiptyn in ballroom usually the guy leads.
Kiptyn – “That could be a problem. Normally women lead me around by the balls.”
Elizabeth wonders who their trainer will be. She tells Kovacs if it’s a woman you still need to focus on me. Kovacs looks annoyed.
Kovacs – “During this competition I’m going to fake my death like Jack Bauer and start over again in Mexico. David will smuggle my belongings across the border. Maybe I’ll start up my own taco stand.”
AT THE DANCE STUDIO…
The couples arrive. Princess Tenley and Kiptyn enter a dance studio and P.T. immediately begins shrieking! Their dance instructor is Chelsie Hightower. P.T. is a huge fan.
In the other rooms, Elizabeth and Kovacs meet their trainer Edyta Sliwinska, and Natalie and David meet their trainer Louis van Amstel.
Edyta tells Elizabeth and Kovacs that they will be doing the rumba. Kovacs is clearly attracted to Edyta.
Chelsie is teaching Kiptyn and Princess Tenley how to do the foxtrot, and Louis is teaching David and Natalie the cha cha.
David tells us he is twirling Louis around like it ain’t no thang. He’s not afraid to get in touch with his feminine side. It’s all about the money. Kovacs also has no problem getting touchy feely with his instructor Edyta.
Edyta – “You okay?” Kovacs – “Oh yeahh.”
Elizabeth is feeling twinges of jealousy.
Louis wants Natalie and David to dance more sexually. Natalie is all for it.
Natalie tells David to grab her boobs instead. Louis smiles and says “In the history of teaching dance, I have never heard a woman tell a guy to grab her boobs instead because it’s safer.”
Louis – “Grab her boobs!”
Elizabeth tells us she feels so unsexy right now.
Elizabeth – “Like this?” Kovacs and Edyta – “Ehh sure, Slappy.”
Elizabeth tells us she needs to just tap into her inner sexy being. Good luck with that Slappy.
Princess Tenley tells us she feels like she and Kiptyn are dancing for their life.
Montage of couples practicing.
Back at the Bachelor Pad, the dance costumes have arrived, and everyone is getting ready for the competition. Once they’re ready the couples head outside to meet Chris Harrison who is standing on an elaborate dance floor.
The Super Duper Six
Chris Harrison tells them it’s time for the contestants to show him and the judges what they’ve got. Hmm where is Melissa?
Chris Harrison – “Let’s just say my Melissa voodoo doll appears to be working.”
Harrison tells them they will be judged on their effort, chemistry and dance. Now it’s time for the judges. The first judge is Melissa.
Melissa – “Voodoo doll hah! I replaced my hair with your hair, Harrison.” Chris Harrison – “That explains the stabbing feeling I’ve been having in my legs. Damn!”
The next judge is Jake Pavelka. Princess Tenley is like crap!
Jake – “Yes, I’m still a pilot. No, I’m not gay. I dumped Vienna. Make me a second time Bachelor. Watch my Lifetime show.”
The final guest judge is Trista.
The only successful relationship in this franchise.
Kiptyn and Princess Tenley are up first. They dance the foxtrot. As they dance, Princess Tenley keeps telling Kiptyn to smile. At the end, they wipe out and fall on the dance floor but manage to make it look like it was part of the performance.
Princess Tenley – “We recovered nicely.” Kiptyn – “I survived.”
Judge Melissa goes first. She tells them “Wonderful teamwork, and I loved watching it.”
Melissa – “And don’t worry about falling. I just stuck a pin in my Chris Harrison voodoo doll’s kneecap. He should be wiping out in about 3, 2…” Chris Harrison – “AHHHHH!!!”
Judge Jake goes next. He tells them “There were some really nice transitions, and you didn’t have that much time to rehearse.”
Jake – “And my transition from doting fiance to frigid bitch was a result of Vienna being unsupportive of my acting career.”
Trista tells Kiptyn and Princess Tenley “I give you an A+ for effort, and I love that you were grinning from ear-to-ear.”
Trista – “I wish I could grin too, I’m forced to be here as part of my ABC contract.”
The final scores: Melissa: 8, Jake: 9, Trista: 9. Kiptyn and Princess Tenley’s final score is 26.
Kovacs and Elizabeth go next. They dance the rumba. Natalie tells us watching Elizabeth and Kovacs perform is like watching Bambi on Ice. It is awful. Elizabeth is well aware that despite all of their effort that they just gave their worst performance of the day. She blames it on her short-term memory issues.
Chris Harrison (laughing) – “OMG that was so fucking bad. Bwhahahaa.”
Melissa tells them “Good job on the rumba. I know how hard it is to learn that dance in such short time.”
Melissa – “You’re better than Kate Gosselin, marginally.”
Also did anyone else notice how long Melissa’s thumbs are? Does she have that finger for a thumb thing?
Jake tells them “You guys are dating. I can tell.”
Jake – “I bet you do it all the time.”
Jake tells them “A couple of missteps there you know, but it looked great.”
Trista tells them “I don’t think you needed help in the chemistry department. It was a good job.”
Trista – “What? Kovacs wasn’t dancing with a marionette?”
Harrison reminds them that the score to beat is 26.
The final scores: Melissa: 8, Jake: 8, Trista: 8. Kovacs and Elizabeth’s final score is 24.
David and Natalie are up. They dance the cha cha and are actually good, so good that Princess Tenley is nervous.
Melissa tells them “You impressed me especially with those lifts.”
Melissa – “Btw Harrison you could use a brow lift. You’re starting to look like Droopy the Dog.”
Jake tells them “Good hip action. You killed the lifts.”
Jake – “That is a dang hard dance.”
Trista “First of all I have to say hello sexiness. You both look great and did a great job.”
Trista – “And I love the grab my boobs it’s safer. I’m going to tell Ryan to do that the next time that we dance.”
Chris Harrison tells Kiptyn and Princess Tenley to get up and stand next to Natalie and David.
For David and Natalie the final scores are: Melissa: 9, Jake: 8, Trista: 8. Natalie and David’s score is 25. Kiptyn and Princess Tenley win by one point.
Kiptyn and Princess Tenley will decide which couple to take with them to the finals. The two literally skip around Bachelor Pad gleefully. The two laugh and make-out.
Elizabeth looks at Kovacs and says “It’s hard to be around Kiptyn and Princess Tenley right now” as the sounds of Princess Tenley’s hyena laugh rings out in the darkness.
Then Kiptyn and Princess Tenley do a victory dance.
2 legit 2 quit.
Kovacs tells Elizabeth “That was so unbelievably brutal.”
Kovacs – “Our ‘No Plan’ plan is failing.” Elizabeth – “Sucks to be you.” Kovacs – “This effects you too.” Elizabeth – “Sucks to be me.”
Princess Tenley foxtrots up the stairs, as Natalie and David sit pissed on the couch.
David – “Our ‘No Plan’ plan is failing.” Natalie – “Fucking ‘No Plan,’ plan.”
Natalie blames herself for them losing. Kiptyn and Princess Tenley move their celebration to the bathtub.
COUPLE ELIMINATION TIME…
The couples get ready.
Clink! Clink! It’s Chris Harrison and his champagne glass. It’s time for Kiptyn and Princess Tenley to vote.
Harrison explains that after the final four are determined, the winner will be voted on in front of a live studio audience.
Chris Harrison – “And you all know how much I love being in front of a live studio audience. It gives me a boner every time.”
Natalie tells us if they win the money that would give her and David the financial freedom to move to whatever city that the two could be together in. Right now location is the only thing standing in the way of their relationship.
At this moment, Princess Tenley wants to take Natalie and David to the finals with her and Kiptyn.
The couples head outside to face Chris Harrison. He welcomes them to the final rose ceremony at Bachelor Pad.
Chris Harrison – “And looky here, I’m standing by MYSELF!! Voodoo doll situation has been corrected!”
Harrison invites Princess Tenley and Kiptyn to join him up front.
Chris Harrison – “Make sure that when you announce the names of the couple it is as dramatic as possible.”
Princess Tenley is crying so Kiptyn speaks. He invites David and Natalie to join them in the finals.
Kovacs and Elizabeth are eliminated and leave in their separate limos. The two are happy that they have found a relationship with each other.
Chris Harrison tells the final four their time at the Bachelor Pad has come to an end. They will all meet again in the studio.
PART 2: SECOND HOUR AT THE STUDIO
Chris Harrison welcomes us to the final hour of Bachelor Pad.
Chris Harrison – “Fuck! She’s back.” Melissa – “What Harrison? Did I make you lose your live studio audience boner?”
Melissa announces her pregnancy. Everyone claps.
Chris Harrison – “Devil’s spawn?” Melissa -”Actually Alien so I’d watch out if I were you, Ripley.”
Harrison recaps how they started off with 19 of the most memorable bachelors and bachelorettes.
Melissa welcomes back evil Craig M.
Craig M. – “Mmwhahaaha. Are there any pies in the studio audience tonight?”
QuasiWeatherman, Krisily, Jessie S., Crazy Eyes Michelle, Wes, Gia and a whole bunch of others.
Chris Harrison tells us all of the eliminated bachelors and bachelorettes will vote to determine tonight’s winner.
But before we get to that Chris Harrison wants the 411 on what has been happening since everyone was rejected from Bachelor Pad.
Chris Harrison – “I want details. Spill.”
Chris Harrison asks Elizabeth, whose hair is now dark again, if she is still together with Kovacs.
Elizabeth replies “No.”
Melissa – “That was quick.” Chris Harrison – “Indeed.”
Elizabeth – “If you want to date a player, here ya go.”
Melissa asks “What happened?” Elizabeth says she thought Kovacs felt a certain way about her but behind the scenes he was saying she has a screw loose.
Chris Harrison says “In all fairness four minutes ago you were blond, now you’re not.”
Chris Harrison – “Watch out. Got a Britney on our hands.”
Kovacs tells us that he never once lied to Elizabeth during the show. Harrison wants to know if there was a relationship between the two after the show. Kovacs says “We gave it a shot for a quick minute.” Elizabeth adds “He wanted a casual relationship, and I didn’t.”
Harrison moves onto strategy. From night one the contestants had coined a couple of phrases: the Insiders, the Outsiders and the Cool Kids.”
Melissa – “Harrison would have been an Outsider.” Chris Harrison – “Like you would have been a Cool Kid, puhlease. More like a Garbage Pail Kid.”
Chris Harrison looks at Gia and says to her “You were an Outsider, you had the numbers but time and time again your team fell on its own sword. What happened?”
Gia – “Wes sang me a song.”
Gia explains that the plan was to give Craig M. the rose. Camera cuts over to Craig M. who is making spastic hand gestures.
Craig M. – “Happy Hands Club, call me.”
Gia goes onto say the plan continued to fail as Nikki changed her mind. Harrison surmises that Gia had an emotional change of heart. Gia disagrees. She explains at that point it was more moral because she wouldn’t have had the rose if it weren’t for Wes.”
Chris Harrison – “It was moral?!?!?! What are you, Mother Theresa?” Melissa – “If Mother Theresa was a swimsuit model. Eww nevermind that would be gross.” Chris Harrison – “Indeed. She may be a saint, but she would have looked like a California Raisin in a swimsuit. Yuck.”
The camera pans over to QuasiWeatherman.
QuasiWeatherman – “Praying for a moral opportunity so I can get laid.”
Chris Harrison recaps that Gia was in a tough spot coming onto the show. She had a boyfriend and an attraction to Wes. Gia says “Oh there still is.” Gia is also no longer with her boyfriend.
Harrison asks Wes “What are you feeling right now?”
Wes says initially going on the show he just wanted the cash, to go in and out like a robbery, but then he met Gia.
Wes – “Bad boys need love too.”
Chris Harrison wants to know where will Gia and Wes go from here? Everyone in the audience stares at them. Kovacs yells “Kiss her!!” Wes asks Gia for permission and then kisses her. Everyone cheers. Melissa smiles and says “About time that happened.”
Chris Harrison – “Dramatic moment. Ratings go up. My live studio audience boner is back.” Melissa – “Janet Reno is behind you.” Chris Harrison – “Gah! Damn it’s gone. Jesus Christ you had to go and say Janet Reno.” Melissa – “It’s fun messing with you, Harrison.
Chris Harrison yells “Get a room!” Gia asks if they could get the fantasy suite now. Harrison says only if you choose to forgo this studio… Then he congratulates the two especially Wes who has gone from “Most Hated Man in America” to “Modern Day Shakespeare.”
Moving on Harrison and Melissa move over to a silver section.
Chris Harrison – “You’re going to need a Winn-Dixie Grocery Bag full of money to step into this VIP section!”
Harrison then welcomes Kiptyn and Princess Tenley and David and Natalie to the stage. He wants to know if the Twitter and Facebook postings are true. Princess Tenley giggles and says Kiptyn is her boyfriend. Crazy Eyes Michelle rolls her crazy eyes.
Crazy Eyes Michelle – “Should have gotten rid of her in the bathroom when I had the chance.”
Melissa asks how David and Natalie’s relationship is doing. David says it’s long distance but it’s been good.
Melissa – “So I bet lots of Skype sex.” Chris Harrison – “Nice. And it’s 100% safe sex. Maybe Christine O’Donnell should try that.” Melissa – “Nah, she is against masturbation.” Chris Harrison – “I heard she dabbled in witch craft.” Melissa – “No shit!”
Natalie – “What are they talking about?” Kiptyn – “I don’t know.” David – “Don’t worry this shit is almost over.”
Harrison tells the final four that their former roommates at Bachelor Pad will determine who tonight’s winning couple will be. They can use any criteria that they want.
Chris Harrison – “Couple most likely to give out the best Halloween candy. Couples that give out dental floss and toothpaste at Halloween deserve to have their houses egged. I’m talking about you Baker family!”
Chris Harrison tells them “I can tell you’re nervous. You have a lot of friends over there but to get where you are I’m sure you have some enemies as well.”
Camera cuts to Craig M. who is looking sinister.
Bachelor Pad Enemy Numero Uno.
Chris Harrison opens up the floor for questions. Ashley goes first. She is surprised that David was virtually with Jessie S. the day before the Vegas trip and then he hooked up with Natalie. David says he was friends with Natalie before and didn’t cross the line until Vegas. Jessie S. asks if this is a real relationship that will continue after the show. David replies “Yes, we have talked about it.” Natalie adds “We don’t live in the same area. We are still working out the details.” David explains that they are no where near the same level as Princess Tenley and Kiptyn.
Chris Harrison asks Jessie S. if it was awkward for her seeing David and Natalie together. Jessie S. says David has to do what he has to do to get ahead in this game. She doesn’t know if this relationship is real or part of the game. David says that’s not the case. He would never have to fake a relationship to get ahead in this game.
Harrison looks over and points out how mad Krisily looks. He wants to know what’s up.
Krisily – “This is my normal face.”
Krisily tells David she realizes that she wasn’t lied to the night of her elimination, but she is mad that he didn’t go to her and tell her she was going home. She wants to know why. David says he didn’t see the point with one minute left.
Peyton then brings up Kiptyn lying about him and Princess Tenley. He says it was an issue of timing as the relationship evolved. Then Gia cuts in and says how upset she was about Nikki being voted out after saving Kiptyn. Kiptyn thanks Nikki again for saving him.
Melissa moves onto Crazy Eyes Michelle’s confrontation with Princess Tenley and wants to know if that will effect her vote tonight. Crazy Eyes Michelle says definitely. She is still pissed about P.T. spreading that rumor, and she will not give her a vote. Princess Tenley apologizes again.
Wes cuts in and says you have to question everyone’s integrity when there is $250,000 on the line. Wes admits that he was surprised and hurt when he later found out how people said he was playing both sides.
Chris Harrison – “Whoa I feel drama coming on.” Melissa – “Try to contain yourself Harrison.”
David says he wants to explain because he and Wes haven’t talked since the night that Gia was voted off. David explains that he was hurt and carried it over into the rose ceremony.
Wes replies “If you wanted to keep Kovacs that’s fine. I don’t need $250,000. I have a million dollars right here” and he points to Gia.
Harrison tells everyone “Well, I hope you got the answers you needed because now we’re going to give our final two couples a chance to plead their case to the jury.”
Up first are David and Natalie. Natalie says she had a lot of fun. Hope she played the game fair. If she wins she wants to pay off her debt, start a charity for prostate cancer (her father just went into remission) and take care of her parents. David says he played honestly, told Jesse B. straight up that he was voting him out, apologizes to Krisily again. He hopes that he and his partner in crime brought some comic relief to the show.
Modern Day Abbott and Costello.
David says he won’t ask for votes but the vote that matters the most to him is Wes’ because they have been friends for a long time.
Gwen steps in and says that she overheard a conversation between David and the guys where David said that anyone in their 30s who is in this house is a loser. Juan, who is 37, yells “Yeah, what’s up with that?”
Juan – “What you can’t be 37 and still whore yourself out so you can visit cities across the U.S.?”
Gwen tells David she was hurt by his comment. David says “I’m an honest person so I have to say if you are in your upper 30s being on a dating show is getting a little old.”
Gwen says she wasn’t here for relationship. She was here for the money. David apologizes.
Melissa tells David and Natalie to take a seat. It is now Kiptyn and Princess Tenley’s turn.
Princess Tenley says she is honored to be here and tried to stay as true to her character as possible. She says it was a hard environment to be in because she is a sensitive person. She acknowledges that people maybe wondering why does she need $250,000. P.T. tells us before she came here she actually lost her home. She wants to be able to give her parents back the money that they had invested in her home. Also P.T. cannot lie. She will have some fun with the money.
Kiptyn thanks everyone for the opportunity. He admits that he really didn’t want to do the show. He plans to give a lot of the money to charity, and of course, a few selfish things like vacations too.
Juan asks Princess Tenley “How did you get to this point because Kiptyn played with integrity and David and Natalie played hard.” Uh oh. P.T. is going to start crying.
Jessie S. defends Princess Tenley. She says P.T. was a top competitor like in the pie eating contest.
Kiptyn – “She ate her own vomit too.” Princess Tenley – “I did, didn’t I?”
Now it’s time for the vote. Melissa instructs the jury to pick up the marker boards from underneath their seats and to write down the name of the couple they think deserves to win the money the most.
Wes – “Can I write a love sonnet to Gia on my ballot too?” Gia – “Ah my little Modern Day Shakespeare.”
The votes begin to be revealed. Craig M., QuasiWeatherman, Juan, Gwen, all vote for Kiptyn and Princess Tenley.
Jessie S., Krisily, Peyton, Jesse B., Ashley, Crazy Eyes Michelle, Nikki, all vote for David and Natalie.
David and Natalie just need one more to have the majority of 8 votes. Wes is the deciding majority vote and he votes for David and Natalie moving them to the final two.
David – “The ‘No Plan’ plan actually worked!” Natalie – “Hellz yeah!”
Kovacs, David and Wes share a bro hug.
Now it is time to determine who will win the $250,000. Harrison tells David and Natalie the time has come to test their relationship. The two will be escorted off to separate deliberation rooms. Inside are two signs: keep and share. Here’s what will happen.
- Both pick share – money will be split.
- Pick share and pick keep – person who picks keep gets the money.
- Both pick keep – neither person gets the money.
This concept blows QuasiWeatherman’s mind.
QuasiWeatherman – “I think my brain just ate itself again. Yup, can’t move my hands and arms.”
But wait there’s more. In the event that both select keep, the money will be split evenly among the remaining housemates.
Chris Harrison – “And I get to send Melissa to Siberia.”
Two menacing men in black suits escort David and Natalie to their deliberation rooms. Chris Harrison turns to the bachelors and bachelorettes and says “Let’s get inside Natalie and David’s shoes. Tell me your thoughts.”
Chris Harrison – “I love psychoanalyzing people.”
Kovacs says he thinks David will pick share. Gia says it would be really selfish not to share.
Nikki says she knows Natalie really well and she could go either way because Natalie always comes first. Elizabeth thinks they should share. Kovacs says why should it ruin a friendship if you decide to keep the money.
Harrison announces the final decision has been made, and Natalie and David are being brought back out to the stage.
They both picked share and are splitting the $250,000.
David jumps up and hugs Melissa and kisses Chris Harrison.
Harrison thanks everyone for joining them and to check out the next installment of The Bachelor in January.
Chris Harrison – “It’s over and now I can go back to hosting by myself.” Melissa – “Are you sure about that, Harrison?”
These six episodes felt like a lifetime. Thanks for sticking it out with me and hopefully the next installment of The Bachelor will be better. Btw I nominate BBitz to recap The Bachelor. : )