Bachelor Pad: Slammed!!

PREVIOUSLY ON BACHELOR PAD…

Wes sang the same old song to Gia, Natalie and David become an official couple on the DL and a “love connection” was made between Peyton and Jessie B. Oh yeah, and Chris Harrison attempted to lock Melissa in a storage room closet.

Gia and QuasiWeatherman were the next ones booted from the Bachelor Pad.

POST ROSE CEREMONY…

Jessie B. says he’ll miss Gia. Wes replies “Tonight wasn’t supposed to be Gia’s night to go home.”

Wes tells us Gia going home is an atrocity.

Wes – “Hmm atrocity. That would be a good word for my next song. La la they say that love it don’t come easy, losing you Gia, is an atrocity….”

David steps outside with Kovacs. He yells “That’s bullshit. Put me on the spot like that?” Kovacs is like “Whatever.”

David tells us that Wes knew how he, Kovacs and Kiptyn were voting. Wes forced David into being the tie-breaker and having to send Gia home.

David – “Fuck that tie-breaker shit. I’d like to break Wes’ guitar over his head.”

David and Kovacs go back inside.

Natalie tells David “Obviously it was a really ridiculous decision that you had to make, and you do not need to feel bad.”

David – “Thank you Natalie. That’s why you’re my secret boo.”

Wes cuts in and says “Can we agree to disagree? Can we quit bending over and blowing smoke up each others’ asses?”

Natalie – “Who said anything about smoke?” Ashley – “For real. It totally messes up your pores, can’t imagine what it would do to your ass.” Natalie – “I know, right?”

Wes announces that we all know there are people here who will tell you one thing to your face and another behind your back. Then he repeats “So can we just stop blowing smoke up people’s asses?”

Elizabeth – “Where is all this ass smoke coming from?” Princess Tenley – “Smoking is prohibited in the Disney contract.”

Which causes David to snap…

David – “We’re all going to send somebody home, jackass.” Kiptyn – “He is a jackass. Oops I hope Princess Tenley didn’t hear me say that. Better put $5 in the swear jar just in case.”

Wes gets pissed and wants to know why David is calling him a jackass. David says because what Wes said is a stupid statement. Each time someone is going to have to go home. Then we get this fantastic verbal battle.

Wes – “David.”

David – “What?”

Wes – “Dave.”

David – “What?”

Wes – “Don’t call me a jackass.”

David – “Or what?”

Wes tells him to chill. David yells “You said it.”

Round robin continues until David jumps up and says he’s had enough. He didn’t want to be put in that position and Wes knows it.

Wes gets up and tells everyone “Well, you can see how this game is panning out. Don’t be surprised when it bites you in the ass.”

Natalie takes a moment to put Wes’ game playing mistake into perspective, and she does a good job.

She tells us this game is about relationship building, not who is the best kisser or eats the most pie. Wes needs to be careful or he could be sent home right away.

Natalie catches up with Dave and tells him Wes just put himself on the chopping block.

Back outside Wes tells Gwen and Jessie B. that maybe he should go inside and challenge David to a boxing match. Jessie B. asks “But what about your friendship?” Wes replies “What friendship? There’s no respect.”

Wes tells us David is a hot head, but he’s all bark and no bite which gives Wes his next lyric for his new song to Gia.

Wes -”La la they say that love it don’t come easy, losing you Gia, is an atrocity. David’s all bark no bite is what sent you home tonight.“

Back inside the door bell rings. Natalie opens the door to find this.

“Fill out this survey alone. Keep your answers confidential.” From Your Brother From Another Mother – Chris Harrison

Natalie takes the basket and card back inside and reads it aloud to everyone.

Nikki protests “But we’re all sitting next to each other. Shouldn’t we fill this out alone?” Natalie replies “Just do it.”

Nikki tells us it was a survey about everyone, and she honestly didn’t like it.

Nikki – “It was difficult to fill out with those shoddy no. 2 pencils. Couldn’t you have given us mechanical pencils, ABC?“

Krisily predicts things will get nasty once the answers are revealed. Princess Tenley cries that she hates this as she fills out her form.

Princess Tenley – “Sniffle. Sniffle. How am I supposed to know who lied about having three balls?”

THE NEXT MORNING…

Nikki tells us after yesterday’s blow-ups the tension in the morning air was so intense you could cut it with a knife.

David tells us his little tussle with Wes will probably affect Wes’ chances of surviving the rose ceremony.

As David talks, the camera zooms in past Krisily stuffing her face, to the kitchen window where we spot Wes outside looking depressed.

Watch out Wes. Shia LaBeouf has his eye on you.

Wes tells us he’s just hanging out on his own right now. Gia is gone. Sad lonely montage of Wes in the hot tub by himself.

Alone.

Still alone.

Crap! He’s pulling a Britney!

Stephen Dorff!! Help him!!!

Wes tells us for him Gia could have been the right person to fall in love with.

Inside David tells Peyton they have to win the challenges today. Peyton agrees she needs to ensure her safety. She wonders what they are doing when Melissa walks in.

She asks if everyone is well-rested and tells them to follow her outside.

Kovacs tells us he doesn’t think anyone slept well last night if they answered those surveys truthfully.

Kovacs – “Elizabeth will kill me if she finds out I said she looks like a Rankin Bass puppet on crack.”

Chris Harrison, sporting an A&F henley because he’s cool like that, welcomes everyone to another competition.

Melissa – “Did you beat up a 16-year-old for that shirt, Harrison?” Chris Harrison – “As a matter of fact, I roshambo-ed him. It was the last one on sale.”

Chris Harrison tells the gang that this competition is quite easy: just tell the truth.

Chris Harrison – “Like Melissa has inverted nipples.” Melissa – “Or like Chris has a baby dick.” Chris Harrison – “That’s not true!!!”

Melissa tells the group “Last night you filled out questionaires about everyone. Now it’s time to see if you can guess what the majority responded with.”

Melissa – “Like who is the biggest slut.” Chris Harrison – “You.” Melissa – “Or who whacks off to a picture of Bea Arthur like CHRIS!!”

For the first question Melissa asks “Vote whose name came up most often for this question: who is going to win this game?”

Melissa – “Chris stop thrusting out your hips. It’s not going to make your package look any bigger. You might as well stick a sock down your pants. Okay. Answers please.”

Everyone starts writing down names.

Ashley – “Elizabeth.” Natalie – “Me.” Nikki – “????”

The correct answer was Kiptyn.

Kiptyn – “Thanks guys. It isn’t easy being green.”

The next question is “Who is your the biggest enemy?”

David writes Wes. Wes writes Dave.

The majority select Krisily.

Natalie says she’s not surprised. Krisily is just a straight up bitch.

Elizabeth (Nelson laugh) – “Ha. Ha.”

Krisily tells us she’s not surprised. She has always been the one picked on for not fitting in with the crowd.

The next question. “Who is the most shallow?”

Melissa – “I’ll give you a clue. He’s wearing a grey henley shirt and a smacked ass grin.”

Chris Harrison adds “Tell the truth.”

The contestants reveal their answers. “Very interesting,” murmurs Harrison.

The guys appear to have voted Krisily. The girls range from Natalie to Elizabeth.

Elizabeth – “I didn’t feel like changing my answer from last time.” Krisily – “I peaked at Elizabeth’s answer and thought it would be funny if her arrow pointed to “ME”.”

Melissa says the correct answer was Elizabeth.

Chris Harrison – “See? You were wrong.” Melissa – “Sit on it Potsie.”

Elizabeth tells us she doesn’t consider herself shallow. She doesn’t even know what shallow really means.

Elizabeth – “I remember that movie ‘Shallow Hal.’ He liked fat chicks. Is that what shallow means? Liking fat chicks? Because that is totally wrong. Kovacs is not a fat chick.”

Melissa announces that Kovacs and Wes are in the lead for the men with two points each.

Melissa – “Btw Harrison, are you feeling a little cold and had to layer the shirts today to prevent your headlights from coming on?” Harrison – “No, but you never have that problem do ya inverted nips.”

Melissa adds for the ladies Princess Tenley and Natalie are in the lead with three points each. Chris Harrison says we’re one point away for a winner on the ladies’ side.

Chris Harrison – “Hey everyone, this next question will be huge just like Melissa’s ass.”

Melissa asks “Who is the dumbest?”

Krisily tells us “OMG I hope I’m not voted the dumbest. Nobody wants to be voted the dumbest in the house.”

The guys all go with Natalie and even Natalie votes herself as dumbest.

Natalie – “I have no shame.”

Chris Harrison is amused. Natalie says she’s happy because she got the point.

Chris Harrison – “Hahaha. Hold up girlfriend. You didn’t get the point yet. We haven’t revealed the majority vote yet.”

Natalie – “Oh.”

Melissa announces that the correct answer is Gwen.

Chris Harrison – “Come on guys, just because Gwen’s older doesn’t mean she’s dumber. Look at Melissa.” Melissa – “Or look at Harrison. He’s practically senile, and he has erectile dysfunction.”

That means that Princess Tenley, who was the only one to say Gwen, wins the competition and the rose.

Princess Tenley tells us she’s very excited to win but at the same time feels bad about calling Gwen dumb.

Gwen says that it hurts to be called dumb. Kovacs even notices how devastated Gwen is and feels bad. He wouldn’t want anyone calling his mom dumb.

The girls are done voting. Now Chris Harrison tells the guys they have to settle the score here. Points are still up for grabs.

Melissa recaps the men’s current point standings.

Chris Harrison – “Impressive counting, Melissa. I see you’ve been watching Sesame Street this week. Now if only you could get rid of that unibrow. It’s only attractive on Bert.” Melissa – “At least I don’t lust after a pig, Harrison. And if Miss Piggy was real I highly doubt she’d let you ‘pork’ her.”

Melissa announces the next question. “Which person’s name showed up most frequently as a person you have a crush on?”

Chris Harrison reminds them to think of it as if the girls were still voting too.

Wes – “Gia.” Kiptyn – “No one is supposed to no about me and Princess Tenley. I’ll go with Gwen.” David – “No one is supposed to know about me and Natalie. I’ll go with Eleanor Roosevelt.”

The men reveals their votes. Dave votes for himself.

Melissa says the correct answer was Dave.

Natalie says her relationship with Dave is a secret and a lot of the girls in the house have a crush on him. She admits if Dave hit it off with another one of the girls she would be jealous.

Melissa goes onto the next question. “Which person is most likely to be a bridesmaid but never a bride.”

Chris Harrison – “Dayum.. that’s harsh. Okay, it would be QuasiWeatherman, even though he’s not a girl.” Melissa – “I agree.” Harrison – “Haha. You do? Nice. But I still hate you.” Melissa – “As do I.”

The guys vote Natalie across the board except for Kovacs who picks Gwen. Wes tells us Natalie likes to party, and she will always be a bridesmaid until she finds a guy who can put up with her lifestyle.

Melissa announces that the correct answer is Natalie.

Natalie tells us her goal in life is to get married someday and especially Dave voting for her, really hurt her.

Chris Harrison tells the guys this is big. The next question could end this competition.

Melissa – “For a second there I thought you were going to say this is the most dramatic rose ceremony ever.” Chris Harrison – “I wanted. God I wanted to.”

Melissa announces the next question. “Who is considered to be the biggest jerk in the group?”

The answer is Wes.

Wes is like “What?” Chris Harrison tells Wes, “You left yourself out this time.” Wes says “I didn’t see it coming.”

Melissa tells the group it’s down to our two Jessies: Kovacs and Beck.

The next question is who has the worst boob job?

Chris Harrison – “Ooo this should be good. Who came up with this question?” Melissa – “I did.” Chris Harrison – “No fucking way.” Melissa – “Way.”

Kovacs is screwed. He thinks the majority of the house will say Elizabeth, but if he writes her name down he’ll be dealing with rabbit stew and mad Ali Larter Beyonce fights.

Kovacs ends up chickening out and goes with Krisily. Jessie B. choses Elizabeth. Jessie B. laughs and says “Hand it over.”

Chris Harrison – “Ohohoho no he didn’t.” Melissa – “Yes, he did.”

Melissa announces the correct answer is Elizabeth so that makes Jessie B. the winner for the guys.

Princess Tenley and Jessie B. collect their roses from Harrison and Melissa.

Elizabeth tells us this game has been hard. She’s afraid she and Kovacs are going home next.

BACK IN THE BACHELOR PAD…

All of the girls head back into the house and promptly start crying from the insulting slam game.

Wes tells us he has three sisters so he knows how sensitive women can be.

Wes – “They’d be like Wes, your song sucks! But I didn’t pay them no mind. I knew they were just on the rag.”

Natalie hides in the bathtub and sobs. Gwen finds her and makes sure Natalie is alright.

Natalie – “But how would you know? You’re the dumb one.”

Natalie tells us being called “Always a bridesmaid, never a bride is her biggest fear.”

Natalie – “It’s like that episode on ‘Are You Afraid of the Dark’ with the dangerous soup. My fear of never getting married could produce a whole shitload of that soup.”

David feels bad for Natalie and he considers the two of them in a relationship, but they can’t let anyone know for fear of having a target on their backs.

Ashley tells us Elizabeth really got a beating today. Kovacs goes and looks for Elizabeth. He hears sobbing from behind a door.

Elizabeth tells Kovacs “It’s so embarassing.”

Elizabeth – “Do I really have Tara Reid boobs?”

Kovacs tries to comfort her. He tells her a lot of girls are probably jealous of you.

He tells us that by the house insulting Elizabeth he finally discovered that he has actual feelings for her.

DATE CARD TIME….

Princess Tenley reads the card. It says “Get ready for an island escape for two. Who will go with you?”

Princess Tenley says “I love all of you, but it makes most sense for me to take Kiptyn.”

No one was surprised by Princess Tenley’s choice.

Princess Tenley and Kiptyn hop in the limo and off they go.

PRINCESS TENLEY AND KIPTYN’S DATE…

The limo pulls up to a helicopter. The two get out of the limo and Kiptyn swings Princess Tenley around.

Kiptyn – “Oww my back. You’re not going to expect this every time we get out of a car are you?” Princess Tenley – giggles.

Kiptyn tells us he has never been in a helicopter until today.

Princess Tenley thinks they’re ready to take a leap of faith: literally. They head over to go zip gliding.

Instructor – “Welcome to the Big Daddy-o.” Kiptyn – “Hey, aren’t you that Chef Boyardee kid from the commercials and you played the fly kid in X-Files?” Instructor – “Yes, and if you want to live I suggest you shut up.”

Kiptyn – “In case anything goes wrong, thanks for the date.” Princess Tenley – ‘Promise me you won’t date that slut Princess Jasmine. Settle down with a nice girl.”

Princess Tenley screams the whole way across. When she lands she claps and yells “I loved it!!!”

Kiptyn and Princess Tenley take turns screaming through the mountainside.

Princess Tenley says “Zip lining with Kiptyn has helped take our relationship to new heights.”

BACK AT BACHELOR PAD….

The gang sits on the couch analyzing Kiptyn and Princess Tenley’s date. They wonder if the feelings are mutual. David thinks they are but Kiptyn hides it because of the house.

Wes reiterates that the couples must be broken up otherwise he is going home.

BACK AT PRINCESS TENLEY AND KIPTYN’S DATE…

Princess Tenley addresses how she and Kiptyn act as a couple in the house and now how much closer they are on this date. She wants to know where do they go from here.

Kiptyn kisses Princess Tenley.

XOXO

Kiptyn tells us today has been one of the best days of his life.

BACK AT BACHELOR PAD…

There is a knock on the door. Looks like Jessie B.’s date card has arrived. Jessie B. picks Peyton.

Krisily whines she is on the chopping block again.

BACK AT PRINCESS TENLEY AND KIPTYN’S DATE…

Princess Tenley and Kiptyn walk over to a romantic beach front spot, complete with roaring fire on Catalina Island.

Princess Tenley pops the cork on a bottle. Kiptyn is impressed.

Kiptyn – “Wow.” Princess Tenley – “Ta-da.”

Princess Tenley tells Kiptyn that she’s been wanting to have time like this with him for a while but she wasn’t sure how he felt. Kiptyn tells Princess Tenley it is a mutual thing. Awww.

BACK AT BACHELOR PAD…

Kovacs tells us he has never told Elizabeth how he feels toward her.

Out at the hot tub, Kovacs shares his feelings with Elizabeth and tells her how much he cares about her and how much she means to him.

Elizabeth tells Kovacs he has changed.

BACK AT PRINCESS TENLEY AND KIPTYN’S DATE…

Princess Tenley asks Kiptyn if he will accept this rose. He says yes and he will accept Princess Tenley. Awww.

Princess Tenley adds that she one more thing. She holds up the infamous fantasy suite date card from Chris Harrison.

The two agree to continue the night and share the fantasy suite.

Princess Tenley says she hasn’t been with a man since Jake broke her heart, but she’s ready to open up her heart again.

THE NEXT DAY AT BACHELOR PAD….

Princess Tenley and Kiptyn arrive home. Kiptyn stops and tells Princess Tenley he wants to say thank you before they go inside. Kiptyn reminds Princess Tenley that they have to put their game face on and tone things down again so the targets remain off of their backs. Princess Tenley says it’s going to be hard.

Everyone wants to know what happened. Kiptyn and Princess Tenley downplay the date.

David is like who are they kidding? Everyone knows that there is something there.

Jessie B. goes and collects Peyton for their date.

Their limo heads toward a plane. The two climb in the plane and take-off. Peyton says she feels like she’s on Pearl Harbor.

Jessie B. – “I hope you don’t mean Kamikaze, Peyton.” Peyton – “You mean the cocktail?”

Peyton tells us Jessie B. was so excited in the plane. He was like a little school boy.

BACK AT BACHELOR PAD…

Our group is back on the couch speculating about the one-on-one date. David wants to know who thinks Peyton and Jessie B. will hook-up?

Kiptyn says “Define hook-up.”

David replies “Sex.”

Everyone is like nah. Kovacs thinks hook-up as in make-out.

BACK ON JESSIE B. AND PEYTON’S DATE…

The plane lands and they find dinner waiting for them in the hanger.

Jessie B. tells us he and Peyton are both country, and they grew up doing the same things.

Jessie B. – “This one time we tipped a cow and knocked a whole row down like dominos.”

Jessie B. doesn’t wait until the end of the date. He asks Peyton if she will accept this rose. She says yes.

Then Peyton asks him if he has ever had a martini before. Surprisingly he hasn’t. Peyton makes him one.

Jessie B. lets out a huge belch. He excuses himself. Peyton tells him he’s too cute to be burping in girls’ faces. Jessie B. sweet talks Peyton by telling her she has beautiful eyes. Peyton says “Why thank you.”

Peyton tells us the night started off romantic but now Jessie B.’s true personality is coming out.

Jessie B. tries to stick his finger up Peyton’s nose. Peyton is like “Whoa! Who does that.”

Jessie B. – “Us country folk.”

Jessie B. pours vodka into his champagne. Peyton is appalled. She tells Jessie B. that she hopes that he throws up. He tells her it is good. Try it.

Peyton worries that she is slipping into the friend zone.

BACK AT THE BACHELOR PAD…

Krisily walks outside with David. She says again that every week she is on the chopping block.

David tells us that his strategy is to bring in Krisily and show her she isn’t an outsider.

Krisily talks about the chemistry of David’s kiss during the kissing competition again. She tells us right now her loyalty is with David.

BACK ON JESSIE B. AND PEYTON’S DATE…

Peyton tells Jessie B. that you’re not supposed to chug a martini. Uh oh.

Jessie B. pulls out the fantasy suite card. He reads it. Peyton says she thinks they should pass on the fantasy suite tonight. Jessie B. is like say what???

Peyton feels at this point it’s more of a friendship; however, she thinks Jessie B. may still make the perfect partner to get her to the end and the $250,000.

BACK AT BACHELOR PAD…

Jessie B. and Peyton arrive home.

Okay. Pay up. Obviously they didn’t bone.

Kovacs and Peyton start dancing in the hallway. LOLZ.

Everyone wants to hear about the date so they all sit down. Gwen observes the space between Jessie B. and Peyton. Something has changed.

Someone asks “Fantasy suite?” Jessie B. replies “No fantasy suite.”

Kovacs accurately observes that Jessie B. pissed Peyton off.

David says that Peyton and Jessie B. don’t mix well like vodka and champagne.

THE NEXT DAY…

Peyton tells Kiptyn she thinks it’s either going to be Gwen or Krisily leaving. Krisily thinks Kovacs should go home and tells Ashley and Peyton that. Kovacs tells David if they’re smart they’ll get rid of me.

David tells us he is always strategizing. Nothing gets by him.

David – “Ever. I never stopped wearing flannel because I knew one day that it would come back and hell if it didn’t.”

Wes tells us everyone just wants to get up and party but for him this is his job. (Hmm some job.) He gets up everyday and goes to work at the Bachelor Pad.

Wes tries to tell Nikki how to play the game.

Wes – “And then you sing them a song.”

Nikki tells us the only name that keeps coming up for elimination is Kovacs.

Camera cuts to Elizabeth and Kovacs in the kitchen.

Kovacs – “Are my arms shrinking?” Elizabeth – “I don’t know. Why don’t you eat some spinach like that Pop-eye guy.” Kovacs – “Dude, do you think that works?”

GETTING READY FOR THE ROSE CEREMONY…

Krisily is nervous and so is Kovacs. Wes tells us he’s calm, collected and relaxed.

Wes walks into the kitchen dressed to the nines.

Wes – “I’m ready to preach a service. Perhaps a gospel song, anyone?”

Ding! Ding!

Chris Harrison walks into the room.

Chris Harrison – “What? No mass suicide after the honesty game? Damn.”

Chris Harrison repeats the voting instructions again and then leaves

Everyone gets up and people start going into vote. Jessie B. and Wes say it is going to be a close vote.

Natalie and Elizabeth get rid of Wes because of his choice to break up the couples. Wes returns the favor and votes out Elizabeth.

The Male Plastics meet. Kovacs thinks that Gwen will the next one to go.

Kiptyn – “So did you know she’s totally rich because her dad invented Toaster Streudels?”

David tells Krisily he thinks Gwen is going to be the next to go. Krisily thinks that she may be safe tonight but she will remain nervous until she has that rose in her hand.

Kiptyn isn’t sure about voting for Gwen. He tells us Gwen hasn’t done him wrong.

ROSE CEREMONY…

Chris Harrison welcomes our bachelors and bachelorettes to another rose ceremony.

Chris Harrison – “As you can see, Melissa and I were anticipating at least one death from our slam game so we dressed in dark colors.” Melissa – “But you were all stronger than we thought.”

Chris Harrison tells Princess Tenley, Kiptyn, Peyton and Jessie B. are all safe tonight and can relax.

Melissa – “Yes, they can relax but I wouldn’t if I were you, Harrison.”

Melissa – “I put Ex-Lax in your drink, Harrison. Good thing you’re wearing a dark suit.” Chris Harrison – “Shit.” Melissa – “Yes, you’ll be doing a lot of that in about 5 minutes.”

Roses start being handed out.

It’s down to Gwen and Krisily, Kovacs and Wes. Chris Harrison tells them two of you will be leaving us tonight.

Chris Harrison – “And make this quick because my bowels are getting ready to leave me.” Melissa – “Yes, it’s about to get stank up in here.”

The final two standing without a rose are Krisily and Wes.

Chris Harrison asks if Krisily has any last words. Krisily says she’s just angry. She has been nothing but honest and voted a certain way and was backstabbed. She wishes anyone who isn’t Princess Tenley, Kiptyn, Elizabeth and Kovacs good luck because those four are going to be the final four.

Chris Harrison asks “Wes, final words?”

Chris Harrison – “And hurry up. I’ve got a turtle head poking out.” Melissa – “Haha.”

Wes replies “I had a hell of a time.” All of the guys hug.

David says he feels bad for Krisily. She showed her true colors tonight.

Krisily and Wes get into their limos.

Krisily says her same old spiel. Wes tells us he tried to break up the couples but oh well at least he met Gia.

Wes – “And I got to sing my song. Want to hear it again? Now where is my guitar…”

Next week on Bachelor Pad Chris Harrison shakes things up by telling the women that three of them will be leaving the Bachelor Pad that morning. Oh snap! Remember in the beginning Harrison mentioning that the numbers would even up?

See you guys next week!