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PREVIOUSLY ON BACHELOR PAD…
Craig M. and Jessie S. fell victim to broken promises and rumors and were the next ones booted from the Bachelor Pad.
The bachelors and bachelorettes head back inside. Gia asks Nikki if it was her that voted Craig M. off. Nikki says yes.
Gia says she has never seen such deceit. Everyone stuck together except for Nikki. The gang sit down on the couch and Gia tells the Cool Kids her grand plan to have the Outsider girls send Kiptyn home, but Nikki betrayed them and it was Nikki’s vote for Craig M. that saved Kiptyn.
Nikki – “Damn it. I should have waterproofed my tarantula eyes. This mascara burns.”
Natalie looks puzzled.
Natalie – “You’re a pageant queen. Why would you align yourself with the non-cool kids?”
Nikki tries to explain what happened but Gia talks over Nikki in an attempt to cover her ass. Remember it was Gia that fucked up and promised Craig M. a rose during the group date and instead gave it to Wes.
Natalie gets up and walks away.
Natalie – “I’m bored and so is my skirt. Later.”
Kovacs gives us his assessment of the crumbling Outsider Alliance. He says they are no match for the alliance of him, Kiptyn and David and that Gia is definitely on the chopping block.
Gia tells everybody her goal was to break up the couples because it’s not fair that Kiptyn would never vote Tenley off. Gia says it wouldn’t be fair if she never voted out QuasiWeatherman because she likes him.
QuasiWeatherman – “I don’t trust you Gia. You made me “befriend” my arch nemesis and then you didn’t even give him the rose.”
Wes says he understands where Gia is coming from. “It’s pure Mr. Wizard science,” say Wes.
Gia realizes that she has a good chance of going home.
THE NEXT MORNING…
Chris Harrison and Melissa greet the gang.
Chris Harrison – “Well, Melissa, I see someone is having a ’90s flashback. I heard Joey Lawrence has a new show on ABC Family. Maybe you should run over there and work on getting a ‘Blossom’ reunion special. ” Melissa – “Chris, I signed a contract. I’m not leaving.” Chris Harrison – “Damn it!!”
Chris Harrison reminds the bachelors/bachelorettes that there are only 15 of them left. He reminds them that here nobody is safe.
“Unless you have a rose,” adds Harrison. Chris Harrison asks if they brushed and rinsed their teeth this morning because it’s time for their next competition.
Wes (breathes into hands) – “Ah minty fresh and perfect for singing my sexy song.”
Chris Harrison tells Melissa to explain today’s physical challenge.
Chris Harrison – “Get it? Marc Summers always used to say that.” Melissa – “I never watched Double Dare.” Chris Harrison – “I hope you die.”
Melissa explains that today’s challenge is a kissing competition. The girls will be blind-folded and lined up in front of the guys. The girls will kiss each of the guys and then vote for the guy who is the best kisser.
Gia looks upset. I thought she’d jump for joy to have an excuse to kiss Wes. QuasiWeatherman tells Gia, “Don’t feel pressured.”
QuasiWeatherman – “I have taco flavored kisses.”
Gia tells QuasiWeatherman that her boyfriend will probably break up with her.
The guys head out to the pool area with Chris Harrison. Jessie B. tells us he’s a good kisser, and he feels pretty confident about this competition. In fact, it’s right up his alley.
Jessie B. “Did I say Ali, I meant right up my alley. No, I don’t still have feelings for Ali.”
Gia says she has to win this competition, but she has a boyfriend at home. Natalie has no sympathy for Gia. She says get over it.
Melissa brings Elizabeth out first. Melissa asks Elizabeth if she is excited. Elizabeth exclaims “Yes!!” Melissa asks if Elizabeth has her eye on anyone in particular and Elizabeth replies, “All of the them.” Uh oh. Glenn Close is on a roll.
QuasiWeatherman tells us “Blindfolded hot girls, and I get to kiss them. I love the Bachelor Pad!!”
QuasiWeatherman – “Now if the blindfold stays on all the time, I think I’ll be able to score Gwen as my girlfriend.”
Chris Harrison asks Elizabeth if she’s ready to go and she eagerly says yes. Wes is up first. Followed by David.
Kovacs says it doesn’t bother him at all. He’s down for pimping out Elizabeth.
No. 5 a.k.a. QuasiWeatherman is the next to step up to the plate.
Elizabeth says No. 5 was such a bad kisser.
Dispensing taco flavored kisses. Taco. Taco.
Blehhh it definitely wasn’t Chipotle.
The guys snicker, and as QuasiWeatherman takes his place back in line, Elizabeth announces “I just realized how gross this is.” Burn!
Jessie B. up next.
Elizabeth tells us she got tongue tornado from most of the guys so she says she is going to have to bring it during her turn.
She is worried though about the other girls having to kiss Kovacs.
Now it’s Peyton’s turn. Montage of guys kissing Peyton. Kovacs tells us he’s pretty excited to be kissing some of these girls; however, some he will struggle with.
Up next for the girls is Gwen.
Any last words before you face the firing squad?
Montage of Gwen kissing the guys.
Ashley is nervous. She tells Nikki she’s a high school teacher, and she’s not sure what she should do. She doesn’t want to lose the respect of her students. Hmm a little late for that I think.
Chris Harrison asks Ashley if she’s ready.
Melissa – “Ready?” Chris Harrison – “Okay, butterface, get your ass over there and get yourself some action.”
Can’t do it.
Ashley turns to the guys and says “Sorry I can’t do it.”
Really. Darn! ‘whistling’
Kovacs tells us Ashley is being lame. She goes around all day flirting and then when it comes down to the competition she bails.
Kovacs – “What’s the big deal? We all did it in sixth-grade and some of us used anal beads.”
Natalie is up next. She tells us some of these guys can really kiss and she knows this from previous experience. No. 2 (David) is especially passionate.
Nikki goes and tells us that she never expected to kiss all of the men in the house let alone one of the men. Camera pans to Wes wiping his mouth. Hah.
Krisily says no. 2 (David) is definitely the best kisser.
And here comes Princess Tenley. She tells us she doesn’t really remember the first two kisses. Then comes along No. 3 (Kiptyn). Disney twinkling music plays.
Why do birds suddenly appear? Every time you are near?
Princess Tenley wants to do it again with No. 3. When Princess Tenley goes to vote all of the girls grin at her as she places No. 3 in the voting box.
The girls tell Princess Tenley no. 3 was Kiptyn.
Back outside Melissa asks Gia if she’s ready. Gia is like yeah. Wes goes first. He tries to kiss Gia with his sexy singer lips, but she pulls away. The guys respectfully kiss Gia and she tells us she appreciates that but she doesn’t know how she’s going to win when it’s her turn to kiss the blindfolded guys.
Now it’s the guys’ turn and Jessie B. is up first.
Princess Tenley tells us after the guys really got into kissing her she is going to win this competition. Princess Tenley lays the kisses on thick.
Natalie is like “Whoo! Princess Tenley shocked me. She made me proud.”
Then Natalie boasts that she’s going to win this competition because she’s not scared of the boys. She would make out with everyone in the house for like $20.
In this economy, $20 is a deal.
Gia goes next. She gives a quick peck on the lips to David. Gia tells us she can’t make out with a bunch of guys, in a line , in front of people, when she has a boyfriend.
Kovacs goes next.
Gia says she wouldn’t vote for her either. She didn’t think everyone would turn into porn stars here.
Gia starts to cry and tells Chris Harrison she’s going to drop out.
Chris Harrison – “Are you sure?” Gia – “Yes.” Chris Harrison – “Okay. Ladies, Gia is dropping out!! You may resume your mack daddying.”
Gia goes upstairs and wails into the pillow of her bunk bed.
I’m such a jezebel!!! Wahhhh!!!
Back outside it’s QuasiWeatherman’s turn and he is stoked.
And I’ve been practicing. I took a Hoover vac and had it suck on my lips for 35 min. They’re huge now and ready for smacking.
Quasi tells us girl no. 2 (Natalie) was amazing. She just kept going. He couldn’t pull her off of him.
No. 6 (Elizabeth) also really went to town on Quasi and then promptly wiped her mouth and gagged once she was done kissing him.
Quasi is oblivious and thinks No. 2 and No. 6 really liked him.
Peyton’s (no. 7) kissing strategy is to just be sweet and not to maul them.
Wes was the last guy to go and admits he is a germaphobe and the idea of sloppy seconds freaks him out.
He describes no. 1 (Princess Tenley) as sloppy, no. 2 (Natalie) as violent, no. 7 (Peyton) was nice and dry so he didn’t have to wipe his mouth afterwards. Wes doesn’t like aggressive unless he’s hammered.
The competition is over and Melissa and Chris Harrison go back inside. Chris Harrison yells “Hey hey hey!!!”
Chris Harrison – “Hey, hey, hey it’s FAT ALBERT!!” Melissa – “Haha.” Chris Harrison – “Shut up Mushmouth.”
Chris Harrison tells the bachelors and bachelorettes that he has tabulated the votes and will announce the winner of the guys first.
The winner is David.
Chris Harrison – “So how does it feel hot lips?”
David is stoked. He tells us what do you want to win? Twister? A pie contest? You want to win the kissing contest.
David – “I learned my technique by practicing on these babies.”
Chris Harrison says it is now time for the ladies, and the winner is Peyton.
Chris Harrison – “Congratulations Peyton. You win for not being frigid and slobbering like Snoopy. One girl was so bad Wes had to get some iodine.”
Peyton looks surprised, and Natalie looks pissed.
Chris Harrison and Melissa congratulate the winners, give them their roses and leave.
Krisily tells us she felt chemistry between her and David and she wonders if there is something there.
Ding! Dong! Princess Tenley yells “Something is here” and twirls toward the door.
She brings the date card in and tells David it is for him. David picks up the card and says “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.”
David says his first pick is a girl that handles herself with class and that girl is Nikki.
Gia tells us Nikki has no class. There is no class for someone who goes back on her word.
Pot, Meet Kettle.
David then picks Krisily second and Natalie third.
IN THE LIMO…
Natalie chants “We’re going to Vegas, we’re going to Vegas!!” Nikki asks her to please not get us arrested. Natalie replies, “Why not?”
David tells us his game plan is to let Nikki know how impressed he was with her changing the vote to save Kiptyn. He wants to get Krisily on their side and to have fun with Natalie too.
David and his dates board a private plane and head to Vegas. They experience a little turbulence enroute.
Natalie tells us Krisily may surprise her, but going to Vegas with Nikki is like going to Vegas with your grandma Tammy Faye.
BACK AT THE BACHELOR PAD…
Kovacs tells Princess Tenley they need to get rid of Gia.
Princess Tenley – “Poison apple?” Kovacs – “I was thinking spinning wheel.” Princess Tenley – “Ooo good one and we can darn our socks at the same time.”
Upstairs in bunk bed land, Gia is telling Wes she has no idea where she stands. Wes tells Gia don’t go freaking out on me next. Then he tells her he dreams about her every night.
And in that dream I say get your ass in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Was it a PB&J?
Yes, and you even cut the crust off.
IN LAS VEGAS…
David wants everyone to relax, have fun and be themselves. They head to Bare lounge, a topless pool.
Natalie says she always wanted to go a topless pool, and she’s very attracted to David.
Krisily says she’s extremely attracted to David too, and now she’s acting like a 12-year-old with a crush who can’t even look at him.
Krisily and David go off in a corner to have some one-on-one time. They discuss the kissing competition and David is clearly distracted by Natalie running on top of the lounge chairs. David asks Krisily if Natalie is already drunk.
Natalie – “La la la. This road is really soft. Am I running on clouds?”
David and Krisily get up to check on Natalie. Krisily thinks she blew her chance.
David and Natalie run back and forth and then flop on a lounge chair. Natalie tells us she thinks David specifically brought her for romance. The two get into the pool and no surprise, it has been a dream of hers to swim in a topless pool, Natalie takes off her top.
Natalie – “Where did this black bar come from?”
David says this is freakin awesome. He’s in a hot tub with three girls and one of them is topless. He announces time for a nude hug.
Nude hug. Oww Natalie, your black censor bar is poking me.
BACK AT BACHELOR PAD…
Another date card arrives. It’s for Peyton. Peyton says vroom vrooom so their date is car/sports related.
Peyton chooses Kovacs first. Kovacs yells “That’s what I’m talking about!!!”
The second person is Kiptyn.
Princess Tenley comments that she finds it’s strange that Peyton is taking all of the guys who are in relationships. Princess Tenley isn’t happy that Kiptyn is going on a date.
The third person is Jessie B.
QuasiWeatherman is bummed he didn’t get a shot at a rose with Peyton. He’s afraid he might be going home.
BACK IN VEGAS…
The second part of the date is in a high rollers suite. David notices a card on the date. It’s time to hand out the rose. Only this woman will join him for dinner in the villa. David gives the rose to Natalie.
Nikki and Krisily head to the Bachelor Pad. In the limo, Nikki says maybe they should have gone topless.
David tells us he and Natalie have been friends for a while but they hadn’t crossed the line until the kissing contest.
Ooo David gets the infamous fantasy suite card. He doesn’t even have to ask. Natalie says they’re staying here tonight.
Natalie says there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship with David. They have feelings there. David says Natalie is a straight up girl and he likes her.
THE NEXT MORNING…
Natalie and David decide that they are a couple, but they will keep it secret as a strategy. If anyone knows that they’re a couple it would put a target on them.
Jessie B. is intrigued by the fantasy suite option. He admits he has a secret crush on Peyton and wouldn’t turn down the fantasy suite.
Outside Princess Tenley tells us she is upset that Peyton chose Kiptyn for a date. Princess Tenley decides to take action and go surprise Kiptyn.
Princess Tenley (whispers to sleeping Kiptyn) – “A dream is a wish your heart makes…” Kiptyn (wakes up) – “WTF!?!? Oh it’s you, Princess Tenley.”
Princess Tenley just wants to cuddle. Kiptyn justs wants to sleep.
Kiptyn tells us he thinks Princess Tenley thinks he isn’t paying enough attention to her. He’s trying to distance himself from her because people thinking they are a couple puts a target on his back.
Kiptyn tells Princess Tenley now isn’t a good time. He doesn’t want to cuddle with other people in the room. He asks if they can talk later. Princess Tenley gets up and leaves.
She feels rejected. She put herself out there romantically, and says she was wrong. They aren’t headed in that direction.
Princess Tenley catches up with Natalie and explains what just happened. Natalie is like it’s not like you took him to your bedroom.
Natalie thinks Kiptyn has feelings for Princess Tenley despite what others have said, and she thinks Kiptyn would be upset if he knew how bad Princess Tenley felt.
Peyton asks if the boys are ready for their date.
They pull up in the limo and see they are at Irwin Dale Race Strip.
Kovacs and Peyton decide to race against each other first. Peyton says after getting to know Kovacs she finds him to be one of the funniest people she knows.
Kovacs -”Burn some dust here, eat my rubber.”
Jessie B. says he hopes he gets the rose. Peyton tells us she doesn’t know who she is going to give the rose to. She can’t believe there’s a chance that she could win $250,000 and find love all in one process. Neither can I.
BACK AT THE BACHELOR PAD…
The Cool Kids are guessing who Peyton will give the rose to. Princess Tenley thinks it will be Kiptyn.
BACK AT PEYTON’S DATE…
Peyton and Kiptyn are getting some tacos.
“Baby, let’s make a run for the border, I’ve got a hunger only tacos can stop. I know exactly what I’ll order three tacos, two tostadas, and a soda pop.”
Peyton tells us she thinks the world of Kiptyn but she doesn’t know what’s going on between him and Princess Tenley.
Kiptyn tells Peyton he isn’t dating Princess Tenley. He thinks the world of Princess Tenley but he doesn’t want to jump into something with her because he doesn’t know if she’s the type of person he could gel with.
Kiptyn tells us that he lied to Peyton so he could get the rose. He isn’t opposed to exploring something with Princess Tenley it’s just an issue of timing right now.
BACK AT THE BACHELOR PAD…
The guys are talking about how Peyton was a great kisser. They ask if Elizabeth is jealous of Kovacs being on a date with Peyton.
Elizabeth says she is trying to distract herself, but secretly it’s eating away at her.
BACK ON PEYTON’S DATE…
Peyton is drinking champagne with Kovacs. Peyton asks what’s up with Kovacs and Elizabeth.
Kovacs tells Peyton he just wants to play the game and be an individual.
Peyton moves onto spend some one-on-one time with Jessie B.
Jessie B. tells Peyton he is not looking for anything with Natalie. Jessie B. is a playa. First Natalie. Then telling Gia he went on the show looking to meet her. Now Peyton.
Peyton appears to be falling for the charms of Jessie B.
Meanwhile Kovacs and Kiptyn are talking. Kovacs thinks they’re in a bad spot.
Peyton brings all the guys together and gives Jessie B. the rose. He’s super psyched and says that he might be going to the fantasy suite but before he does that….
I need to make a run for the border. If you pay, I’ll take off my top. Do you remember what I want to order? Three tacos, two tostadas, and a soda pop.
Peyton tells us Jessie B. is really dreamy.
Kovacs says this sucks. As long as people think that he’s with Elizabeth, he will never get a rose.
BACK AT THE BACHELOR PAD…
Peyton, Jessie B., Kovacs and Kiptyn go back to the Bachelor Pad. Waiting for them outside is the fantasy suite card. Peyton reads it aloud in front of all of the guys.
“Go get your freak on in the fantasy suite. Remember no glove no love. Condoms in the top drawer. ~ LYLAS, Chris Harrison.
Peyton decides to take Jessie B. with her to the fantasy suite. Turns out the fantasy suite is upstairs in the Bachelor Pad.
Jessie B. tells us Peyton is wife material.
Back downstairs Kovacs is sitting with Elizabeth. He tells her this sucks.
Kovacs – “Your plan sucks.”
Kovacs says he’s at a huge disadvantage. Elizabeth tells him she’s glad to see him struggling just a little bit.
Elizabeth – “Boo, you whore.”
Elizabeth tells Kovacs just kiss my ass Elimination Day, and you’ll be golden.
Meanwhile Wes is sitting outside with Gia. OMG is it the moment we’ve all been waiting for? Wes’ famous song!?!?!
Gia tells Wes she wants him to be the last guy here. Wes says if Gia didn’t have a boyfriend he thinks they would definitely have something. They’re both straight shooters.
Gia tells us if she were to be tempted in the house that Wes would be the one to do it.
Wes gets up and walks over to something. Awww there it is. Here comes the guitar.
Time to pluck on your heartstrings with the song that never ends.
Wes begins to play.
Guitar -”Jesus Christ!! This song again?!?!”
As Wes sings, Gia tells us seeing Wes sing and play the guitar shows just how real he is.
Wes – “They say that love, it don’t come easy…Just keepin’ it real, Gia. Just keepin’ it real.”
Gia tells us she has never heard a song until now that she related to the lyrics. Really Gia? You never related to N’Sync’s Bye-Bye-Bye when Bachelor Jake Pavelka kicked you off?
Gia tells us Wes is the modern day Shakespeare but better and cuter.
It’s like Romeo and Juliet; Hot sex on a platta just to get you wet; You’s about to get in somethin’ you will never regret; And it’s gonna be the bomb this is what I bet; Yep.
Wes and Gia go back inside and climb into the bottom bunk bed together. Wes tells Gia he likes having her here. He thinks she’s wonderful.
Gia thinks Wes is amazing but she loves her honey at home. Gia says she’s a confused girl.
THE NEXT MORNING…
The bachelors and bachelorettes wake up. David is in the kitchen getting his Iron Chef on.
David – “Bang a gong, we are on!”
In the fantasy suite, Peyton and Jessie B. tell each other they had a great time last night.
Jessie B. – “And I appreciate you keeping your morning breath far away from me too.” Peyton – “No problem.”
Jessie B. tells us he’s digging Peyton and that her kisses are wonderful.
Wes tells us he didn’t go to sleep until 6 a.m. He stayed up all night with Gia.
Peyton and Jessie B. make their way into the kitchen and everyone greets them with “Good morning!!”
“The girl was fair who went upstairs with her favorite KOK. She knocked around and came back down, and now she takes the walk. The walk of shame – she’s not to blame. Who could resist the KOK. The walk of shame, she found her fame and now she takes the walk!”
Wes tries to campaign for Gia. He wants to break up the couples. Natalie realizes she needs to keep her relationship with David on the DL.
Kovacs tells Elizabeth that they’re probably going to vote for Gia. Elizabeth tells Kovacs about Wes campaigning to split up the couples.
Gia tries to convince Kiptyn to keep her here. After campaigning to get rid of Kiptyn, good luck with that Gia.
Kiptyn says so much is riding on this vote. If he doesn’t vote for Gia then Elizabeth is probably going home.
PREPPING FOR THE ROSE CEREMONY…
Krisily tells us tonight it looks like it’s between Elizabeth and Gia. The girls don’t know which guy to vote for.
QuasiWeatherman thinks it’s between him and Kovacs regarding who will go home.
Ding! Ding! Chris Harrison clicks his famous glass and gets everyone’s attention.
Chris Harrison – “Okay people. If you hear any noises coming from the storage closet please disregard them. No one is tied up in the closet.”
Chris Harrison repeats the usual rose ceremony rules because we all know this group can’t retain information. Then he leaves to make sure the storage room closet is secured.
Two of the Plastics head outside to scheme.
Elizabeth – “I’m sorry that people are so jealous of me… but I can’t help it that I’m so popular.” Natalie – “I know, right?”
Natalie and Elizabeth decide to vote out QuasiWeatherman.
Natalie – “Okay now that that’s taken care of onto more important things like my hairline is so weird.” Elizabeth – “My pores are huge. ” Natalie – “My nail beds suck.”
Back inside, Princess Tenley has just voted out QuasiWeatherman. Natalie and Elizabeth also vote out QuasiWeatherman.
Gia tells us she is voting out Kovacs and so is Ashley.
Elizabeth goes to David and tells him about Wes wanting to break up the couples.
Wes tells us he’s trying to keep Gia in the game. He goes to Kovacs and tells him he swears on the Holy Bible if you do not vote out Elizabeth you will be gone in three days.
Kovacs – WTF???
David says Wes trying to turn everybody against each other is stupid.
Wes goes to Kiptyn and tells him it is the women who are the ones keeping him here. Kiptyn tells Wes he has already made promises to people.
Chris Harrison greets the ladies and gentlemen.
Chris Harrison – “Jesus Christ, Jason Voorhees!! How the fuck did you get out of the storage closet?” Melissa – “I’m an ex-cheerleader. I’m flexible.”
Chris Harrison starts calling out names. The final four standing without roses are QuasiWeatherman, Gia, Elizabeth and Kovacs.
Kovacs gets a rose. Then Chris Harrison announces that there is a tie between Gia and Elizabeth. David will cast the tie breaking vote. David gives a speech about life not being fair and he decides that he wants to keep Elizabeth around.
Elizabeth – “That is so fetch!!”
QuasiWeatherman and Gia are the last two standing without a rose.
Wes and Gia say their good-byes.
QuasiWeatherman and Gia get in their limos and head out.
QuasiWeatherman tells us stupidity is rampant in this stupid world and it just got him.
QuasiWeatherman – “I should have saw this coming. I’m a fucking lousy weatherman.”
Gia tells us she never thought she’d get so emotionally attached to some of these people.
Gia – “I hope Wes sends me a recording of his song.”
Wes tells us his heart sunk tonight. Gia didn’t deserve to go home. If she had stuck around for another week Wes tells us who knows what could have happened.
Wes – “I might have sung her a new song. Yes, seriously a new song.”
Gia tells us she’s an emotional wreck right now. She’s worse than on the Bachelor. Wow. I guess that’s saying something?
Previews for next week include everyone being forced to tell the truth via a Judy Blume slam book session (Guess Melissa is a fan of ‘Otherwise Known as Sheila the Great”). Feelings are hurt and fights breakout.
See you guys next week!