Bachelorette: Protect You Til I Kill You

Welcome back everyone! Last week we learned that only the strong survive and by strong, I mean crippled entertainment wrestlers with a broken left – or right – or was it left – foot. Treachery! But why should we expect anything else? Ladies and Gentleman, prepare to get body slammed, it’s… THE BACHELORETTE!

Host Chris strolls into the MANsion and announces to the boys that they’re leaving the MANsion forever! Whhhhaaat?! They’re traveling around the world with Ali – first stop – NYC! Wow. I guess ABC increased the budget this season! I would’ve loved to see the look on Justin’s face if Host Chris said, “First stop – hiking the Himalayas!”

We see Ali is already in NYC waiting for the boys. She thinks that traveling with someone is a great way to get to know them. I couldn’t agree more. I think whoever she ends up choosing, they should be on “The Amazing Race” immediately. That show’s a ticking time bomb – I mean “relationship-builder” – for couples.

Ali is actually meeting with a stylist from inStyle who is helping her pick out her “NY outfits”. THANK GOD! Ali says she’s intimidated by clothes which I think we’ve all noticed. You don’t need to worry about clothes when you spend 80% of your time in a hot tub.

While Ali’s getting a make-over, she tells the team of make-up and hair people all about the boys she’s dating. Interestingly enough she talks about Kirk first! Is it because of his charm? His fun personality? Or because he’s got a chest and stomach you want to eat a sundae off of? I’m just saying. People might think that. Not me. NOT me.

Ali completes her make-over and then gets to do a photo shoot around the city (for what I have no idea)…

She’s a natural at the posed photo.

Meanwhile, the boys all land in the city…

Uhhh… GROSS! You just contracted like 3 STD’s and pink eye.

So the boys discover that they’re staying in a kick-ass penthouse in NYC. Little did the producers know, the boys would’ve been happy with a shoe-box as long as there was a hot tub and an open bar in it.

Back with Ali, she finds out that this photo shoot is going to be in the July issue of InStyle! Ooohhh! AND it’s got this chick on the cover…

Cool! The most overpaid actress in Hollywood!

Now that the infomercial for InStyle is over with, Ali is now looking forward to her dates and says that traveling will take her relationships to the next level. Most def! In no time they’ll be screaming at each other “Where’s the @$%!tickets?! I thought YOU packed the tickets!” and ” Why can’t you stop and ask for directions?! What the @#$! is wrong with you?! This is the WORST VACATION EVER!” Ahhhh good times…

Over at the new MANsuite, the boys find out that Kasey has the first date! He’s REALLY excited. Like TOO excited. But ya know who’s NOT excited?

“So what?! Who cares?! No big whoop! It’s my own personal ‘view’!”

So Kasey tells us that he’ll be crushed if he doesn’t get a rose on this date. And while he talks I can only come to the conclusion that he had nose work done at some point and that’s why he sounds the way he does. There’s no way he’s hearing impaired (as a few of you had thought). So my new guess is that it’s a nose job. That’s probably the most rational explanation.

Ali picks Kasey up for this date and they’re off to a helicopter ride over the city! UMMM for a girl that just HATES to fly, she seems to be cavorting about in helicopters quite a bit. So they climb aboard and fly past the Statue of Liberty…

Oh foolish Statue of Liberty…

Kasey’s singing puts an awful taste in Ali’s mouth.

This was probably one of the most amazingly awkward and horrific reality show moments EVER! Kasey starts improv-singing out of nowhere about their helicopter ride (FYI Kasey, there is no romantic word that rhymes with “helicopter”). It’s so bad that Ali just looks at him like she’s literally in pain. Does this stop him though?! NOPE! Second verse – worse than the first!

Surprisingly, Ali doesn’t hop on the heli and peace out right then and there. Instead they head off to their date at the Museum of Natural History. Which is ironic because if Ali’s got a brain in her head, Kasey will be history by night’s end. Speaking of…

This is not the face of someone who’s enjoying their date so far. It looks like she’s getting a rectal exam.

Ali hopes that this final part of the date helps Kasey open up and be “real”.

Going through a spooky museum with a guy that sounds like Buffalo Bill from “Silence of the Lambs”. Yeah – shit’s about to get real alright.

Kasey tells us that he WILL make Ali happy for the rest of her life. Yeah. We get it. No matter how much it hurts her. She WILL be happy! EEEEEK!

Back at the MANsuite, the boys get the group date card. Justin is really hopeful. The boys are: Roberto, Jesse, Craig, Kirk, Jonathan, Frank and Ty! Ha. Take that Tiny Tim. The boys all cheer and high five which is so weird to me. Like they’re about to storm in and gang bang her. I know that sounds awful. But I mean – it’s kinda true.

So the date continues and how there’s not psycho violin “SCREECH SCREECH SCREECH” music in the background is beyond me. It seems like Kasey’s really trying to impress her but sounds way too intense. He really pushes the whole “GUARD AND PROTECT YOUR HEART” thing. Ali says it all sounds too perfect – yeah – and we all know how that plays out in a murder-mystery novel. RUN!!!!!

Oh for fuck’s sake he starts singing again. He literally sounds like a nasally, tone-deaf “American Idol” contestant”.

Let’s just say Paula would be clapping her hands and shouting “You’re… pretty!”

Ali says she’s worried because she still wants to see Kasey’s realness. I’m worried his realness is gonna end with a chalk outline in the shape of her body.

Ali then decides not to give him a rose – BUT she still wants him to stay! WHAAAAAAT!!! She can do that?! Kasey then gets all teary-eyed and says, wait for it, he “just wants someone to guard and protect my heart.” Then wear a bullet-proof vest already. Shit.

Group date night! The boys are all excited and make their way to Times Square…

Just when you were about to blame Disney and Giuliani for not being able to get a blow job in Times Square anymore.

The boys (all to quickly) figure out a “concrete jungle” clue and discover Ali waiting for them at “The Lion King.” She welcomes them all by telling them she’s feeling under the weather. Yikes. I would’ve immediately sprayed Lysol all over her and started chugging vitamin C packets. Icky. Now EVERYONE’S gonna be snotting and sneezing all over each other. It’s gonna be “The Bachelorette” meets “Outbreak”.

So it turns outs they’re not just watching it – ONE OF THEM IS GOING TO BE IN IT!!! HOLY SHIT I HATE THEM! That’s so awesome. I hope Weatherman gets it and is in the part with the stampede.

Head Homo, aka Lion King Producer, steps up onstage and gives them all the details. Ali and he will be auditioning the boys for a part in tonight’s show. OMG I wish Kasey was here to wow them with his singing! But alas, the gentlemen that were chosen get up onstage and…

Work it ladies! Aye papi!

I love how Roberto says he’s not used to dancing like that and then the boy shakes his rump like a Chippendales stripper. GOD HE’S HOT!

No uber-white boy dance is complete without the finger point. Congrats!

BTW – what the FUCK was the producer thinking letting these guys in the show?! If I paid $100 to see “The Lion King” and Weatherman walks out and finger points, someone at the box office would be spitting up blood moments later.

Now it’s time for the singing audition! TRAAAAAAIN WRECK! Holy shit. The only one with a halfway decent voice is Jesse which is a HOT surprise! How Ali still had her pants on after he was finished singing is beyond me. Then came Roberto! Not a great singer – BUT – he was the only one that gazed in her eyes while he sang. SOOOO CUTE! Is anyone else secretly hoping she doesn’t choose him so he can be the next “Bachelor” and we’ll get a whole season of him?!

Speaking of… ROBERTO GETS PICKED! Clearly Head Homo has the hots for him as well. GET IN LINE BUDDY. The rest of us have been fans for 4 whole weeks now!

Well… not all of us are on the “Roberto Wagon”.

So the Producer then tells Roberto that he’s actually going to be IN the show. Which I thought we already knew. This gets confusing when there’s a friggin preview of what’s ahead before every commercial break. I feel like the show’s so needy sometimes: “Hey – here’s what’s happening soon – we’re just going away for a couple of minutes ok? Be right back! See the cool stuff that’s gonna happen?! SEE?! IT’S SO COOL SO COME BACK OK?!!? LOOOVE MEEEEEE!!!!!”

The rest of the boys beat themselves up over not getting chosen. I would too. Not for Ali – but they literally missed their ONLY shot to be on Broadway. Cause with talent like that – well – there’s always community theatre… in Nebraska.

Dear Costumer, I’m not really digging the African Pampers but I LOVE the top you picked out. XO

So Roberto and Ali start rehearsing their routine in which they are SUSPENDED ABOVE THE STAGE!

I shall refer to this as “Dream Sequence”. MOVE Ali!

If I was Roberto and I was hanging far above the stage by two wires, I’d be paying very close attention to the other boys in the audience and any sharp objects in their vicinity.

No seriously – you’re asking for it.

Nothing says “Disney Musical” like a mid-air muff dive.

Watch and learn boys. Watch and learn.

Meanwhile, Weatherman tells us that it’s like a shit storm just crapped in his face. If Al Roker ever used that sentence I might shit myself laughing.

A STAR ON HER DOOR?! Bitch is seriously gonna get cut by the other chorus members.

It’s finally time for the big show and as Roberto and Ali prepare the rest of the boys get ready to watch the show…

World’s shittiest “front row seats”! At least there’s a veggie platter. OOHH!

The show begins and it’s a beautiful infomercial for “The Lion King” (get your tickets now!). Soon the time comes for Roberto & Ali’s aerial love-making…

This might not be pretty.

But it is! They do their incredibly simplistic dance moves (air-humping) midair and hundreds of midwestern mothers in the audience cover their children’s eyes.

However this view made it all better. “Oh my! It’s one of those boys we sent back to Mexico! He’s a looker!” said one of the mothers from Arizona.

So that’s it! The show was a success and everyone goes to the after party – which blows because Ali’s sick. So what does Frank decide to do?!

Ok when she said she’s feeling “under the weather” – that wasn’t a hint of what she wanted to do.

Frank asks Ali how she feels about things and she manages to croak out that she has feelings for him too. This poor girl sounds like she’s about to cough up a lung. And yet…

EW!!!! What if she has mono?! It’s the KISSING DISEASE!!! Sick. I just wiped my TV down with antibacterial.

Back at the MANsuite, a card is delivered for Ali’s one-on-one. I thought Roberto took care of that but I was wrong. Turns out Chris L from Cape Cod is getting that chance!

Back at the group date… Ali gets real.

But just as her and what’s-his-face (why bother – he’s so going home soon) have a tender moment – here comes Captain Funbuster!

“Heeeeey! Remember me?! Jonathan? The guy you forgot to send home last week? Still here!”

However Kirk does the gentlemanly thing and tells Ali that she should just go home and rest. What a guy! So she takes his advice but says she has to take care of the rose! And just when I could SWEAR Roberto or Kirk was getting it – she says “NO ROSE!!” No one’s going home with a rose because she’s too sick to think about sex and it’s the only way she can pick who stays.

Ali breaks the “no rose” to everyone and the guys are all bummed. Except KIRK! Who gets to walk her back to her place! Uh oh. Someone’s gonna catch a cooooooold! Gross. So Kirk brings her back to bed and Ali asks him to sing her a lullaby. Clearly she wasn’t listening to his audition earlier in the day. But who are we kidding? With a face like that he could sing Eminem songs at my gay wedding.

Meanwhile this whole “Kirk” thing has sent Jonathan into a shame spiral. “It’s like she doesn’t event care!!!”

Don’t worry he’s just singing her a lullaby and tucking her in and–

Oh. And apparently impregnating her. That’s a wrap boys! Everyone can go home!

I was mistaken! Kirk actually plays the role of a gentlemen, blows her… candles out and says good night. What a guy!

It’s a new day in NYC and Chris L and Kasey are talking about his lack of rose on the date. Chris L’s hopes for his date tonight are much higher. Cue: Ali hacking up a lung and sneezy snotting everywhere and she wants Chris to join her. SICK. If I was Chris L I’d totally go back over to the MANsuite and tell Weatherman, “Change of plans – she says she wants you today! Get in there!”

I went ahead and made a little correction.

Chris L. is super sweet actually and says this is just like marriage when you take care of the person when they’re sick. Awww! Cute points! Tell me how you feel tomorrow when you’re bleeding out.

So Chris picks up some flowers and soup and meets Ali in her suite for a chat on her couch…

“Don’t take this the wrong way – I’m just practicing safe date.”

Chris takes this time to open up to Ali about his Mom passing away and they really seem to be bonding. He seems like a really good guy and one of the few that’s actually there for her and not publicity. So – he’ll probably get the ax tonight.

Meanwhile back at the MANsuite, the boys are wondering where Kasey disappeared to…

HOLY SHIT. This is going to be tragically fantastic.

Side note: Uhhh… Lady Liberty totally has pit stains.

Back at the tattoo shop, Kasey tells us he’s going to get a tattoo of a “shield protecting a heart because that’s what I told her I’d do, shield and protect her heart.” OH MY GOD! YOU’RE OFFICIALLY FUCKING INSANE!!! How in the world do you think Ali’s gonna react when you show her a freshly engraved wrist with that shit on it?! Holy shit I hope she’s got security standing by!

I went ahead and re-sketched your tattoo. This one’s more fitting.

Meanwhile Ali’s having a good “sick” date with Chris – such a good date that Ali has miraculously recovered and wants to take Chris out now. Chris said he’s thankful for whatever “they” put in the soup to make her better. Ummm – pretty sure the producers put 3 vicodin and a rock of crack in it. Time to get up and work Ali!

So they head off to a night club… that serves seafood… at a nightclub. Yikes. So I guess Ali’s REALLY looking forward to clearing this cold – and everything else – out of her system.

While the two lovers munch on shellfish (that they’ll no doubt regret), Chris opens up about his Mom again. He tells Ali he sees rainbows all over because his Mom said she’ll always be in rainbows. Awww – that’s so sweet. Chris would be the perfect guy to take to a Pride celebration. His Mom would be everywhere! Even wrapped around a trannie’s ass. Touching!

Ali has one more surprise – she wants to call Chris’ Dad! I love how she acts like it’s “Survivor” and she has the only phone on the island. If Chris’ Dad answers the phone in a drunk, belligerent stupor I’ll die laughing.

Oh parents – always finding ways to embarrass us.

So anyways, Chris’ Dad was sweet and Ali says she’d love to marry into a family like that. Awww! Rainbows!

Back at the MANsuite, the Wrestler calls Kasey a “Fibber” for telling a “burned my arm on the stove” story. “Fibber”? I’m going to go ahead and call the Wrestler a douchebag with a Grandma’s vocabulary.

Back at the date, Chris gets a ROSE! Awww! More rainbows! And Ali has one last surprise – Joshua Radin is performing for them on the rooftop! AWESOME! I love him when he sings that song that he sings and it’s sooooo good because he’s a singer! (Yeah I have no fucking clue who he is) And on a rooftop! What a great idea when you’re nursing swine flu!

Although Radin brought a choir with him – so that’s pretty kick ass. They’ll be able to sing at Ali’s funeral. If pneumonia doesn’t kill her, Kasey probably will.

Gross! Make that 2 body bags.

So Chris is thrilled that his date went well and gloats a little that the other guys should just go home. I love that EVERY guy says this!

Now it’s finally time for the Rose Night! The boys are back at the MANsuite talking smack about each other. Kasey is excited to show Ali his tattoo. Apparently it’s just a heart and a shield – I thought it had her name! He’s TOTALLY gonna reuse this on other ladies! “I just want to protect your heart and well… I JUST got this!”

Speaking of – the Wrestler is on a hunt to call Kasey out on whatever happened to his wrist. I love how the one guy who’s consistently lied to everyone is on a witch hunt against someone else for lying! WTF?!

The Wrestler decides to confront Kasey about the “burn” which is ironic in that HE’S confronting someone about lying and that after this, there’s a good chance Kasey will be burning the Wrestler’s house down with him and his whole family in it. Things do not go well – Kasey denies it and gets REALLY pissed and then just gives Justin the creepy “imma fuckin end you” stare for 10 minutes.

“I wonder what kind of outfit I can make from your skin?”

So Kasey decides to call a man-meeting and does the big reveal…

“I WILL GUARD AND PROTECT HER HEART!!!”

So the guys all have varying degrees of “OH MY GOD WHAT A !@%! PSYCHO” reactions along with the rest of America at this point. Kasey, of course, thinks they all respect him so much for doing it. I’m pretty sure they’re all just scared he can smell fear.

Now for the moment we’ve all been waiting for – he’s gonna show Ali! Put on your 3D glasses now!

Kasey starts by giving Ali his favorite candy to make her feel better. Because pure sugar is known for doing wonders on a cold. AND THEN…

NOOOOO!!!! YOU DUMB SHIT YOU’RE RUINING THE BEST TELEVISION SINCE JR GOT SHOT!

Fucking Frank walks in before the big reveal!!! DAMN IT!!! I bet anything the producers got him to go in there so we could string this moment along. I’d pretty much guarantee it.

Now it’ s finally time for the big ceremony – since Chris already has a rose, there’s 8 roses to hand out! And they are…

Kirk (good job on the lullaby!), Frank (Party Pooper!), Craig (Striiiiingin’ him along!), Chris N (WHY?! I didn’t even know his name! Ugh), Roberto (Well DUH…), Justin (Oh lord! Blech. Waste of a flower), Ty (More chances for him to beat the shit out of Justin!) and the final rose goes to… KASEY!!! Oh my @#% GOD! This is such a set up for when he murders everyone next week! And now I know why Jonathan got so much screen time to whine about everything this week. It was his Swan Song.

JESSE GETS THE AX?!!? WHHHHYYYYYY!?!? If they travel to a climate that requires only bathing suits after this – I will NEVER forgive you Ali! EVER!!!

Because he has a nicer ass?! HMPH. ROSE FAIL!!!

On the other hand…

“Awww – actually I did. And it’s why I’m sending you packing.”

So Ali decides to keep the crazy and kick the hottie. And kick the Weatherman – but we all saw THAT cold front moving in. Goodbye old friends – thanks for the fantasies and the laughs, respectively.

So that’s it! What’d everyone think?! Can you BELIEVE Kasey got a friggin’ tattoo?! Or the Jesse got the boot?! So much to talk about. I love hearing from you guys – so come on and DISH IT!