While the other twits are getting off the plane to come back to the house, Kayleigh is at the house telling her friend what happened in Jamaica.
First of all I do not need to see your hideous hammer toes, so please roll them up and stuff them somewhere. Like your ass.
In the limo the girls are celebrating Kayleighs departure and Kristin tells us that if she was any kind of Bad Girl she would have bleached all her stuff and messed it up.
Kayleigh is waiting for them to come home. Kristin is the first to run up the stairs and the whole time is saying “If that ho touched anything in this house…DONE!” Ya know what I’m done with? The fucking word DONE!
Esther yells that the backyard is clear as everyone spreads out to make sure she’s gone. She’s in the kitchen washing dishes and when Kristin RUNS in and sees her, she stops dead and turns around, screaming like a 3 year old and runs her ass back out. So much for DONE!
Kayleigh just keeps washing dishes as Dani walks by and Dani says nothing. Upstairs everyone is freaking about why the hell she’s back. Lea tells us that they kicked Kayleigh out, “what is she doing in our house?” Here’s a thought….ASK HER!
Erica of course actually speaks to her. Sort of and Erica tells us that the others will concoct some plan to get her out again. Either way, as usual, Erica doesn’t care.
Kayleigh tells Erica that those girls run this house. Erica declares they do not run her. Kayleigh says she let them run her off once but she decided she’s not letting them push her out. She tells us she’s stronger than them, smarter than them and doggone it she’s staying!
Meanwhile Adrian, Erica’s hookup from Jamaica lives in Miami and has called her. She gushes about having to leave because she was so sad. Yes I often miss people I have known for 5 seconds. Dipshit.
Meanwhile Kayleigh goes and crawls into bed to hide.
Lea and Kristin come into the room and don’t seem to notice the rather large lump in the bed and Kristin whines about missing Cat. Lea is pissed because they celebrated Kayleighs leaving for nothing. Then she realizes Kayleigh is the lump.
A bit later we hear Lea screaming “Gross!!!!!” She explains to us that she was taking a piss and she looks down and sees Kayleighs nasty underoos on the floor. She tells us she has never met a dirtier broad in her life. Then she carries said undies outside and throws them over the balcony.
Next up is Esther who has found a tampon box with no tampons, just the used applicators. Used by Kayleigh.
Yep she dumps them on Kayleigh’s bed.
Kayleigh tells us these girls can scream all they want but she isn’t leaving. Meanwhile downstairs the witches have gathered for the ritual sacrifice of the dirty panties. They each spit on said panties, who Kristin is holding with a stick and then throw them in the water.
Poor lil fishies.
Back inside the girls begin to chant “Kayleigh is a dirty bitch.”
The next morning however when Kayleigh wakes up to the nasty applicators and is grossed out, she goes downstairs to talk to Dani. Dani wants her to know she had no part in whatever that whole situation was. Erica is there too. Kayleigh tells them she is a talker she likes to talk things out. Then go on Oprah.
Why is Sarah Palin in the BGC house?
Erica tells us that Kayleigh hooked up with the wrong bitches from the start and if she had hooked up with she and Dani none of that would have happened. Neither of them want anything to do with the whole mess so now Kayleigh has concluded she is all alone.
Kayleigh goes upstairs to “talk” to the other girls and the shouting starts immediately. The word respect is thrown around. So is the word DONE! Lea, Kristin and Esther are going get manicures and Lea hopes that when they return Kayleigh will be gone, wait, DONE!
The twit are talking while getting the talons done and Kristin says she wants new roommates who are really fun and NOT POOR.
Poor people are, like, so annoying!
After all Kayleighs big talk about being stronger and smarter she decides to wreck the house and pack her shit and leave.Her last words to us are that the bitches better watch out because they never know what’s coming. Yes they do. Nothing. You whine and then leave. Toodles!
When the others return home they find their room a mess and at first start to freak but quickly decide that all she did was throw clothes on the floor and unmake a bed. Lame. Kristin tells us that Kayleigh couldn’t even do that shit in front of her she had to wait until she was out of the house. Yeah I don’t recall Kayleigh being right there when you trashed and broke her shit either.
Yes I am looking at you.
Oh sweet Jesus no. Guess who has come up with a totally original never before done idea?
Not these two.
Dani looks like a catfish and Erica looks like Wynonna Judd fucked a piranha . And somewhere there are two Amber’s screaming. This entire crapfest is about rain, Ugg boots and Dani having a sex dream about Lea. After a montage of naked/half naked Lea pics, Dani announces she would fuck Lea. Erica says she would not put a strap on on and fuck her and Dani proclaims that she wouldn’t do that but she would totally eat her out. Erica says she would not eat a girls vagina and Dani says she has. Screams all around and Erica looks like she’s gonna puke. So do I. Dani goes outside and tells Lea about her dream. Which also consisted of the fact that while they were having sex they were watching Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.
There is a resemblance.
Later Lea and Kristin bond out on the dock. Lea thinks guys are sketchy and Kristin says that when ever a guy comes up to her and says “Oh you are so beautiful” its a total turn off. Yeah I hate that. It is such a burden being beautiful.
Inside Lea and Kristin leap frog each other down the hallway as Erica’s boyfriend Adrian shows up. She’s happy happy because as she tells us she’s gonna get laid! Yay!
Lea immediately starts grilling Adrian. He’s 30 and looks very young. She wants to know if he’s ever impregnated anyone. Nope. But the night is young. Has he ever been married? Nope? Does he like women who like women? YEP!
Man did you come to the right house!
These two go out to dinner and Erica comes across as desperate and he comes across as arrogant. He tells her it takes a lot to keep his attention. Oh so you’re a spaz. Ok. Anyway they are boring me and once again Erica believes that he is real, honest and that this could really go somewhere.
Meanwhile Lea,Kristin and Esther are hitting the town and Kristin says they are leaving the ugly bitches behind. You better stop that limo and chuck Esther out.
Suddenly Kristin spills a drink and it goes on Esther. She apologizes immediately but Esther says she will stay in the limo. She’s wearing all black and Lea tells her she is inconsiderate and selfish and to stop it.
Is she melting?
Instead of the huge hissy I was expecting, Esther’s meds kick in and she announces she will indeed go inside!
There is a band inside and suddenly we see this.
Why do you need some deodorant applied?
He’s talking to Lea and up on the stage she goes. Meanwhile Esther’s meds have worn off and she is pissed because Lea is ignoring her so she stomps off to pout.
Pout, poot? Who can tell?
Kristin and Lea are tired of Esther’s craziness and Lea tells Esther she wants to hook up with one of the guys from the band. Esther whines that she wants to go home because she’s drunk and tired. Lea says fine but she’s not pleased, at all.
Back at the house Erica and Adrian return and head straight for the bedroom.
Hump, hump, hump. Ooh lala, splash DONE!
Later Lea passes Esther in the hallway and Lea notices a look and asks Esther what’s up. Esther tells her not to talk to her that way. They start arguing and Esther gets up in her face. Then they are slapping at each others arms and yelling don’t touch me. Lea tells her she always has her back. Esther threatens to tell all her business and Lea tells her to go ahead. Esther then tells us that she better watch it because she is not afraid of throwing low blows. No shit.
Lea stomps down the stairs and says she’s over this shit. She decides to sleep in Kristin’s room to get away from Crazy Esther.
The next morning Esther is sitting on her bed all alone and sad. Wait, I need a tissue. Ok. She goes and calls her friend and says that Lea has turned into a little Kristin and she doesn’t respect that. She tells her friend that she is moving,changing her number and she’s gonna be incog-negro.
Ok now that was funny.
In the kitchen after Erica has said goodbye to Adrian, she is asked on a scale of 1-10 how was it. She says an 8 1/2. She says she felt like a virgin. And then she demonstrates. She says it was like trying to fit “this into that.”
Well then maybe he should have used his dick instead.
Later Dani calls her friend, one of the Men of Steel and asks him to come over. She tells him she can’t drink tequila because every time she does she ends up breaking someones nose.
Lea meanwhile is going to pick up her friend Irene. She tells us she has kissed and fooled around with her but nothing serious. Irene announces she is having her period. I reallllly don’t like where this is going. She also believes that her period will stop in the water. Why don’t we test this and you swim out really far in the ocean.
Don’t worry Lea’s a vampire.
Inside the house intro’s all around. They have the same friendship bracelet. Awwwwwww. Things get dirty really quick when Lea takes a bottle and pretends to boink Dani while Esther watches.
Just good clean wholesome fun.
Adrian and Stefan show up. Drinks start flowing. Then we see these three dogging on Dani and Erica. Irene has no comment about Erica but thinks Dani looks like Pocahontas and she doesn’t like her.
Cackle cackle cackle!
More drinks and suddenly there is nudity. Esther is jumping for joy at the site of boobies! She follows Lea and Irene and their boobies outside to the hot tub.
I just wish they could learn not to be so shy.
Outside Dani and Erica come and Lea yells for them to show their boobies.
Y’all know what Esther is thinking. BOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIES!!!!
Suddenly shit gets real and Kristin tells Lea she has never thought that she was hotter than Lea. Lea tells us that she won Best Looking in High School but she never felt pretty. She was always skinny with small tits and brown hair. She also has scars everywhere from a car accident and she’s really self conscious about them. She still has glass in her arms.
Kristin moves in for a hug and tells her she is an amazing person and she loves her.
There’s more drinking, some smooching and then things take a turn for the seriously nasty.
And all the while this one is watching.
That’s not creepy………
Irene and Lea decide to take this upstairs and Esther invites herself along to watch. She asks that they leave the lights on.
Upstairs to the shower Lea and Irene go. Esther pops some popcorn and then pulls a chair up to the shower. Seriously.
I think this is one recap I’m gonna have to have Meemaw skip.
Dani comes up and sees whats going on and runs downstairs to tell everyone that Lea and Irene are in the shower with Lea’s dildo. Then we see Adrian.
Dear Lord, THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!
So Kristin joins Esther in watching and Dani gets naked and jumps in the shower with the girls. Lea tells us that her Mom made her make one promise. That she wouldn’t kiss a girl. Oops.
They are going to have to set that shower on fire after all that mess.
Esther decides the shower they are in is too small so they switch to another one and she drags her chair in there too and continues to watch. Has anyone ever bleached their eyeballs before?
As Erica is on her knees peeking in, Esther decides she is pissed that Lea would screw Dani. She gets up and leaves. Meanwhile moans and groans are being heard all over.
Kristin decides she has seen enough and goes to bed. Esther is still bitching to us about Lea screwing Dani and how she doesn’t respect her and blah blah blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Suddenly the doorbell rings and it’s Dani’s boyfriend Stefan. I thought he was already there. Anyway, Dani is currently upstairs in the shower sharing a dildo with 2 other girls, one of whom is on her period.
Then we see these two drunk bitches talking about how they had sex with each other and other people and they both decide Dani is a slut. Uhhh and that makes the two of you what?
Guess what I’ve been doing?
And she actually tells him. He doesn’t even react other than to say “What you couldn’t wait for me?” Esther comes hopping in acting like it’s the best show she’s ever seen. She tells us she’s acting like it’s cool, but it’s “Whack whack whack whack whack!” You should know.
Outside in the hot tub the party continues with Erica and Adrian, and Dani and Stefan. Erica treats us to this lovely shot.
Insert fart noises here.
Upstairs Lea is throwing up and Esther keeps pushing water at her so she can keep throwing up. Lea makes her go away. Adrian and Erica go to bed and Dani sends Stefan home with big blue balls.
Meanwhile Esther is on the phone bitching about how everyone is having sex in the house right now. haha not everyone. Suddenly I hear what I think is a headboard banging against a wall and Esther says “damn, they still going at it. My pussy’d be swollen like a watermelon by now.”
Lea wakes up the next morning with her knees all bruised. I am so sure its not the first time. Today the girls have decided to go bowling. But before that Kristin comes in and tells Lea “This is Kristin watching Lea have sex, while eating.”
I would so puke.
Off to the bowling alley they go.
Everyone is happy and having fun except for you know who. Esther takes Lea aside to whine to her about how she refuses to have sex with her but she will have sex with Dani. She keeps this shit up for a while and then tells us that she would not screw Dani with a homeless man’s penis. Good one.
I will NOT BE IGNORED!
On and on she blithers about her fucking the whore of the house and then she tells her that she is very competitive and doesn’t take rejection well. DUH. She feels that Lea has rejected her over and over again. Ya know why dingbat, because she doesn’t want to boink your nasty ass! GET OVER IT!
Next she moves on to “So you don’t find me attractive?” She says it’s not that she just doesn’t see her that way and just because she isn’t attracted to her…too late Esther cuts off and says “That’s fine. The world finds me attractive.” WHAT WORLD? Sea World maybe.
Finally this tortuous shit ends. Esther keeps saying she is done “Belee dat!” I don’t “belee dat.”
Back at home Esther is eating and Lea and Kristin are coming up with some lame ass dance. Esther does not like this. But she tells us that if they want to hang out then fine.
Looks more like rock, paper, scissors.
Lea and Kristin head outside and climb on top of one of the cars to discuss Esther the Molester. Lea tells her what all Esther said to her. Lea also said she never was going to sleep with her.
Please tell me that teddy bear doesn’t have a dildo shoved in it.
Once again Adrian and Erica opt to stay home and bump uglies but Dani, Esther, Kristin and Lea are all going out. At the club once again Esther starts in about how she feels Lea is slowly turning on her. No bitch, she has TURNED. She goes over to their table and says she wants to be a part of their dance thing they have going on. Kristin says no that’s their special dance and she needs to have her own special dance with Lea. Esther immediately starts to pout.
Outside the club, once AGAIN, Esther the Stalker tells Lea they need to talk when they get home. OMG, seriously? Can anyone be this freakin dense?
Esther tells her that they need to talk without Kristin because they were the original BFF’s and she doesn’t know who her BFF is now. Lea replies, “What are we in kindergarten?” Esther tells her she obviously has a closer bond with Kristin. Then get a clue you retard!
Back at the house, Lea and Esther talk. WHY?
I would have a restraining order by now.
Esther starts off all sweet and says she just wanted to have fun tonight. Lea tells her she blows things out of proportion. Esther quickly goes into psycho mode and starts yapping about how it affects her. She pulls her pouty face and Lea says “Here we go. You are like 12 years old bro.” And that evil grin comes across Esther’s face and she says……..
Here comes the low blow.
Lea starts losing her shit and screaming she was sick of her and all the while she is grabbing her clothes and throwing them over the staircase. She is moving into Kristin’s room. Lea tells her that she is sick of the drama. Sick of her putting her personal info on blast. I believe you announced that shit yourself. While Kristin looks on Esther keeps yelling that Lea is trying to make her look like she’s being irrational. And?
Dani is trying to help grab some of the stuff as it comes down the stairs and almost gets hit several times. Now Lea,Kristin and Dani go upstairs and get the rest of Lea’s stuff. Meanwhile these two are still going at it.
Holy crap take a break!
Kristin tells us that Lea and Esther’s relationship is falling apart and she couldn’t be happier because now she pretty much has Lea all to herself. She also says that they look way better together.
Esther gives one more shot at Lea and tells her to go break up more happy homes.
Then Esther says that she’s coming for Lea. She’s coming for her. Then she mumbles some crazy shit.
Inglewood. Whutado. What’s good. Fuck you.
Right back at ya whackadoo.
That’s it for this week. As usual I must go decontaminate myself now.
Love and Smooches,