Bad Girls Club: Check Your Baggage

Ain’t they sweet?

Ok so this week starts off with me falling off my exercise ball and these skanks trying to rip Snorgan’s leg off while pulling her down the stairs.

At first I wasn’t sure why they didn’t want her to go upstairs but then it hit me that she was gonna fuck up their shit. I was almost smothered by my own boobs when I fell off the exercise ball so lack of oxygen to the brain has made me a little slow.

This fighting goes on and on and on. Snorgan tells us that this was “a modern day hate crime”. They threw her stuff out because they are jealous. Yeah that’s it. They are jealous of a bootleg Kim Kardashian with bad skin and a cock eye. No most likely it’s because you are a spoiled delusional hate filled mass of putridness. I don’t think that’s an actual word but you get my drift.

On a side note she may turn out to be the most entertaining bitch on here in a while.

Don’t be hatin’.

Everyone is screaming and Snorgan attacks the mannequins and one minute she is wearing a shirt and suddenly she just has a bra, and then it goes back and forth. Hmmm, methinks there has been some creative editing here. Anyhoo, Kristin (one of the blondes) doesn’t understand why everyone is attacking Snorgan. Now usually I frown on gang violence but this is amusing me.

Catnip understands why Snorgan is upset and I do too. Don’t touch my shit and don’t touch me. The problem is that she is such a bitch it’s hard to feel sorry for her. Danielle doesn’t get why Catnip is upset because it wasn’t about her. Catnip explains that what they did was some wussy ass shit and if they had something to say they should have done it TO HER FACE. I agree. One of them said they did it “Bad Girl Style”. No that was punk ass season 3 style.

Tic tac anyone?

Snorgan went outside and now she’s back and  she is trying to call her boytoy Valium only to discover his phone number has been disconnected. Excuse me a sec….HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!

There is more screaming and now some of them are screaming at each other but I don’t care about that because I have just seen one of the most amazing reality show moments ever.

Snorgan decides she doesn’t know what to do so when in doubt, stomp across the house to the production room and KICK IN THE DOOR WITH ONE GIANT BARE FOOT. Immediately you hear some kind of alarms going off and yelling and then Snorgan is being physically removed.

That is AWESOME!

Kristin, who has been crying since this shit started, comes running and the crew dude is telling Snorgan she has to leave and she is basically saying fuck you I ain’t going. Only she has no choice cause the big dude takes her ass outside where there is security. And she is telling them to stop stepping on her luggage because it cost more than his paycheck.

Sad sack Kristin and her pixelated nipple.

Poor lil fella looks scared.

In the midst of all this Lea decides to take Snorgan aside and tell her basically that she needs to leave. Snorgan starts yelling that it’s all about jealousy and starts posing for the camera and saying retarded shit. Kristin and her nipple are still crying.

She’s so upset she can’t tell her nipple is on the loose.

Snorgan meanwhile is still ranting at the camera to “get a good look” cause that’s why she was there. Because of the way she looks and they are all jealous and blah blah blah.

She looks like Janice Dickinson fucked a lizard and stole Kim Kardashian’s hair.

As she is being told to get in the car, Snorgan’s says “Don’t touch me.” She then walks up and down ranting and punching her hand and then she tells us that even though she is leaving she is still gonna be prettier, still be from South Beach and some other ramblings. I do not for one second believe this girl is gone for good. She is television gold.

Later the ugly girls are sitting around talking and the little scrawny one whose name escapes me right now is pissed. Brandi. She looks more like an Esther. If anyone ever watched Sanford and Son they will get that. Anyway she is mostly pissed at Erica because she didn’t own up to doing shit and that made her, Esther look like the bad guy. Uhhh, it was your idea and you are the bad guy, girl. Whatever.

I’m starting to see Snorgan’s point.

Erica apologizes for the way Esther feels and says she was trying to make Snorgan even more upset by staying silent. No, you were scared shitless and you know it. Erica also reveals that she was getting pleasure from not answering Snorgan.

Do that on your own time skank!

The next morning Kristin is still crying and she and Catnip are saying that the only reason those girls wanted Snorgan gone was because they were….you guessed it, jealous! That when she stands next to them no one sees the other girls. Then they sadly look at her stripped down bed and Kristin says it’s like a funeral. One minute she was there and now she’s gone. That girl needs some serious medication.

Later downstairs, the girls are making breakfast and Esther is saying she is so glad Snorgan is gone. Catnip tells her she doesn’t agree with how it was done and they go back and forth about how people are different and handle things differently. Catnip tells Esther (Brandi in case you lost track) that now it makes her wonder if they would do that to her.

Definitely an Esther. Woof!

Crybaby Kristin says she feels shameful about what happened.Esther says she understands but has no regrets cause “when you live in Cali, if you say it you do it.” I don’t have my Jibberish dictionary handy so I’ll just let that one slide.

Later still the girls are hanging around the living room talking about respect. A word that should never be uttered in that house. Danielle feels disrespected by Catnip. This whole convo is boring and the only reason I mentioned it is so I could show this picture.

Crabs. In the BG house. And for once they aren’t on one of the girls.

Esther says she likes fighting and Catnip says that shit ain’t cute and she does not conduct herself that way. This convo finally ends with Esther telling us it’s four against two and they had better watch it because you never know whose gonna be on the chopping block next.Ya notice she didn’t say that shit to them.

Later Kristin and Catnip head out on their own. Kristin is yelling about stupid bitches and needing a mimosa. Catnip says she feels light and bubbly when talking about Kristin. You should, stupid is contagious. So the house has divided already into these two camps. While eating they discuss who will be the next Bad Girl to show up. Kristin says it will probably be a homeless person and Catnip wonders if it will be  someone like them whose shallow and obnoxious and like Morgan.

They pour a little of their drinks out in honor of their “fallen homey.”

Can we add wasteful to that freakin’ list?

Back at the house the other four are talking about these two. Mostly it’s Danielle talking about catnip. She thinks Catnip thinks she is low class and she also thinks Catnip wants to be the head bitch.

Telephone! Guess who y’all? Yep, it’s Snorgan. Esther tells us she answers “like a white girl” and then when Snorgan tells her who she is she does this.

That’ll show her!

Snorgan thought it was Kristin, ya know, cause Esther was talking white, and Esther presses down on the buttons to make a bunch of noise and then hangs up. She then proudly tells the others of her latest Bad Girl antics. She then says getting rid of Snorgan was the best thing she has ever done. I’m sorry but weren’t you just bitching because the others made you out to be the bad guy? LAME!

Oh sweet Jesus. I may be sick. Esther, who as we learned last week, is a stripper. A stripper named Venus. She calls herself that because it sounded “very exotic and tropical like myself.” She is very excited to show off her moves.

I am so gonna need a bucket.

A very large bucket & some Lysol.

Esther wanted Erica to show off her moves as well and Erica tells us she has never been a stripper but she has stripper friends who have shown her the way.

Coming soon to Club Cellulite.

Elsewhere in the house, Lea tells Kristin and Catnip that tomorrow is her birthday. She has a penis mold for baking cakes. Kristin whines to us that 2 days before coming in the house it was her birthday so she has been wanting a penis cake and strippers since day one. Kristin tells Lea she isn’t trying to take away from her day and Lea says she doesn’t care. No biggie right? WRONG! Big biggie!

It WAS my birthday and I’ll cry if I want to!

Downstairs Kristin goes and whines to Danielle that no one has said or done anything for her birthday and wah wah wah. Esther over hears this and says the only common sense thing I’ve heard come out of her mouth. She tells us “We didn’t even know you then, get over it.”

Danielle runs to Esther and amps up the shit by repeating what Kristin said only making her sound even more whiney and bratty. Esther says common sense thing number 2. She says “My birthday was a couple months ago. I ain’t requiring y’all get me a mother fucking gift.” Well said dingbat.

She then says she is gonna get that bitch a slinky almost making me like her. Almost. Esther calls Lea in and tells this story for the third time only now it’s been built up even more and Lea decides that is just ugly. Meanwhile Kristin is laughingly telling Catnip her version when we hear Lea calling for Kristin.

Lea comes busting in and tells her not to speak until she’s finished. She’d be slapped right then but that’s just me. She tells her that it’s fucking shady and ugly that she is talking behind her back when she had offered to basically share the birthday celebration. She kind of has a point but not really. She did offer to share but Kristin was just being whiney not whiney about Lea. Anyway this continues until Lea leaves and then shouts back that she is going to put cake all over her bed. Kristin asks her what she just said and Lea comes out to the upstairs railing, Kristin is down below, and the next thing I know Kristin has called Lea a whore and Lea has lost her mind.

She better hope her face don’t stick like that.

Actually Kristin said she thinks that Lea is a dumbass fucking whore. Lea rips her shirt off and starts screaming dumbass whore and starts to run toward the stairs. Lea tells us that in Miami if you call a girl a whore you get punched in the face. She must have called a lot of girls whores. Just sayin’.

As these two scream insults back and forth Esther comes running out and grabs Lea. Because apparently instead of taking the stairs she was gonna jump. Insert snort sound here.

I say let her jump.

Esther keeps screaming that she’s not going to let her go home and Lea literally throws her into the next room.

Told ya to let her ass jump.

The screaming continues as Lea tells Kristin that she is in the pool naked all day but she’s the whore? Now it’s taking Danielle and Erica to “hold her back”. Catnip finally leads Kristin away.  Thus begins the mannequin mutilation.

Lea wants to know how a whore is gonna call her a whore. Uh with her voice? You have a boyfriend you’ve been with for 6 years and you are “seeing” a married man on the side. Yep pretty sure that qualifies as a whore. Back to the festivities. Lea and Esther destroy Kristin’s mannequin and throw it in the pool.

I guess this is the equivalent to getting punched in the face.

Meanwhile Kristin is crying to the camera that all these girls can fuck off. Lea shouts that she better sleep with one eye open.

The next morning Kristin and catnip are talking about how weird last night was. Catnip didn’t think being called a whore would trigger Lea like that. Ok. Kristin says that when she said “dumb whore” she didn’t mean that in a sexual way. Ok. So, you just meant she was dumb in a non sexual way? This girl must be related to Jessica Simpson.

Catnip tells us half the things Kristin says she doesn’t really mean. They just fly out and that they call her Blondie for a reason.

Kristin hobbles upstairs and mumbles to Lea that she needs to talk to her. Lea, who looks like the Bride Of Frankenstein is in bed. She sits up and frankly scares me.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Kristin stumbles over her words but is basically apologizing for doing rash things like writing Slut and Slutbag on her mannequin and she’s sorry. She continues and tells Lea she doesn’t think she is a whore. Lea starts in with the “I came in this house respecting everybody…” and she keeps going by saying that she, Lea, is a cool ass bitch and that Kristin is phony. She’s dumb and she’s stupid. Well Merry Freakin’ Christmas to you too. She rehashes the birthday shit and ends it by saying that she doesn’t know how to feel about her right now and she can’t be fake. Meanwhile all my food is spoiling over at Cafe World while I listen to this crap and Kristin slinks off with her tail between her legs.

Later while making breakfast Lea starts talking about Adam, her love of 6 years. He only lives about 2 minutes from there but she hasn’t invited him over because of some convoluted shit about basically fucking around on him and not disrespecting him by bringing him to the scene of the crime.

I just want to know where Oxygen keeps their magic wand.

Seriously, that is not the same girl. I’m not sure the other one is a girl. Anyway, it’s time to head off to a spa. Yay. Apparently Lea knows the owner of the spay and she thinks about having him fuck up Kristin’s hair. But doesn’t. Instead they talk in code about her married boyfriend and then Danielle finds out how much her nails are going to cost and decides to get the hell out and go find some random dick.

Actually she finds 2 random dicks.

The tall one is John and the short one is Zach. She invites them out to Vagabond later that night for Lea’s birthday. And she tells them they are sexy as fucking hell. Classy. She has her eye set on the short one and when the other girls come out they all giggle like 13 year old girls and Short Boy does a skater flip for them causing Danielle to almost pee herself.

Back at the house the girls actually bond over Lea’s imitations of both Kristin and Danielle and they are all happy and when they leave for the club I see that Oxygen has used that magic wand on all the girls.Lea tells us that she’s giving Kristin a pass but she better watch it or blah blah blah.

At the club everyone is dancing and drinking as usual. Lea has some friends there and then one of them says Happy Birthday to Kristin. Causing Kristin to say this.

That’s when you know it’s time to put the booze away.

One of them has book lernin’s.

One of the guys that Danielle met earlier shows up. But not the one she wanted. Well he did show up but couldn’t get into the club.  So what does Danielle do?

Hey when you are poor you learn to make do with what you have.

Erica also meets a guy who is one of Zach and John’s friends.

I guess he’s poor too.

Suddenly an anorexic horse comes through the crowd with a birthday cake for Lea.

I hope they give it some sugar cubes or a carrot or something.

Everyone is having a great time. Even the horse. Nothing could possibly go wrong. Right? WRONG!

Oh hell.

I beg to differ.

Some hideous skank out of the crowd, as usual, starts some shit and sucker punches Lea. On her birthday. And all hell breaks loose.

Random skank from crowd.

There is always at least one who starts shit every time the Bad Girls are out. Suddenly all you see are arms and legs and asses and security. Esther loses her mind at this and has to be held back by security even after the girl is taken outside. So technically I don’t think they were actually thrown out for once. The Random Skank is yelling some shit to them about going and fucking their daddy. Someone shoot her please.

My mistake, it was Esther screaming go fuck yo daddy. Someone please shoot HER.

Back at home Esther is grilling Danielle about who was doing what and getting mad because a Bad Girl got jumped and not all Bad Girls were jumping in to defend said bad Girl. Sheesh. Seriously, my crops are withering at Farmville and yet I sit and report this shit.

Danielle doesn’t know what’s going on and doesn’t care because she wants to get laid and so she apologizes to Esther for being in a good mood and proceeds to go get laid.

Esther tells us that Danielle ain’t gonna do shit and neither is Erica and that is the general problem she has with them.

SHUT.YOUR.PIE.HOLE.

Once upstairs with her second choice dude John, Danielle climbs under the covers and Erica runs to tell everyone she’s doing the nasty. Erica, Esther and Lea sneak upstairs and upon seeing this crack up and then run away.

Eeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

This dude has his hand on the headboard and that headboard is rocking! One of the girls yells “I’m coming!” and they giggle some more and run off. Danielle yells what? Then keeps doing her thang! Then she laughs and yells, “Dammit can’t a girl get some dick around here?”

The next morning they do the walk of shame and it looks like the dude can’t take a hint because they don’t seem to be speaking yet he isn’t leaving. Danielle tells us she doesn’t regret last night but she still wants to bang his roommate. Then a taxi takes him away.

Doorbell! It’s flowers for Lea from Adam, her one and only true love except for that married guy and any random dong she stumbles upon.

I see the magic wand has been put away.

Lea call Adam to thank him and be all lovey dovey and then whine about the fact that they can’t go anywhere without getting jumped and shit starting. He suggest she ignore it. She is unable to do so. She then tells us that he is like family and how can you not love someone who loves you so much and does everything for you? Uhhh…and yet you fuck around on him. Again I do believe that qualifies you as a whore.

Later that night Erica’s dude, John’s friend, who is the guy Danielle banged comes over with a couple friends. One of them is the walletless wonder Zach. The guy Danielle really wanted to bang.

As Erica gives the 3 dudes a house tour and introduces them around, Jeff, the dude she likes, makes a crack about Esther not being the same girl he met last night. And I know exactly what he means. And so does she and she is not happy.

It was a rude thing to say but damn. It’s like seeing Oprah without makeup. That’s some scary shit.

He asks whats wrong with her and apologizes if what he said offended her. I think he should shut up and run. He then says something about her looking a little crazy right now. Run stupid little boy! Run!

She starts ranting to Kristin and Catnip that he said that shit because she “had my gangsta motherfucking ghetto wrap on, and I ain’t got no make up on and no tight clothes you prissy bitch.” She keeps saying he is a guest in her house and wah wah wah.

Outside Danielle tells Erica that “Brandi” is freaking out and Erica says she’ll deal with it later. Jeff says “Who’s Brandi?” Stupid stupid little boy.

Everyone is quiet for a second and then laughs. Meanwhile, Danielle sneaks off with her first choice dong and he asks her if she and John “hooked up”. And she actually answers him honestly. And,  AND, he doesn’t seem to care.

You banged my friend? Cool.

She explains that she wanted him but he couldn’t get in the club and then she got drunk and stupid and banged his friend. Then they make out.

Back in Estherland, Catnip comes out and tells erica that Esther is very upset and she should go and talk to her.  As Erica is walking up the stairs we hear Esther saying “You bitch maybe I should piss  in your mouth. How you gonna disrespect me in my house?” Now I am laughing because I truly believe this girl is insane. Erica asks her why she’s being like that and she screams “Because he came at me foul!” Erica decides to go back outside and deal with the nutty one later. She tells us living with Esther is like living with a toddler.

Meanwhile we see this. Kristin on the phone talking to her Mom about not being able to talk to the most important person in her life.

Not even kidding lol.

Erica’s friends leave and Esther’s meds kick in and they decide to go strip. There are rules though. Don’t wear a lot of perfume or glitter because it gets on married men. Off to club Dream we go.

This is why I only use a debit card. You never know what kind of skank juice cash has on it.

Esther is working that pole and money is flying and then Erica gets up there and she makes some money.

I’m gonna have to start wearing a haz mat suit to recap this shit.

Erica tells esther she wants to use her money to buy the next bottle. Esther does not like this. Esther doesn’t like much of anything. Esther tells Erica not to count the money there then tells her she dropped a dollar under a table. Finally this nightmare ends and the girls are out in the limo. Erica thinks they should buy groceries with the money. Esther thinks their were two strippers and she wants half! They argue back and forth and at one point Catnip tells her it’s maybe a hundred bucks if she needs it that bad she’ll give it to her just cut the drama.

Drunk ass Esther keeps yapping about shaking her ass and half and bleh. She tells us that none of her roommates understands how she feels and they better watch out because she is about to go crazy on a couple of them……….

Tic, tic, tic, tic,tic,tic,tic,tic,tic,………………………………….

Until next week sweeties!

Love and Smooches!

Cherie

P.S.

I may need to bathe with bleach.