Apparently the BGC has been hijacked this week. Instead of our Season Six cast of crazies, we get treated to Season Four’s Flo getting married. And she’s knocked up. As I recall, she was a mean ass Albanian bitch.
Looks like she still is.
Flo left the BGC after breaking her ankle and deciding she needed to leave before she killed someone. The others showered her ass with water balloons but scattered like rats when she turned and started chasing them with her busted leg.
Just two weeks after leaving, Flo tells us she met Patriot and they’ve been “unseparable” ever since.
She’ll kill him within a week.
I was under the impression Flo was a cooter girl. Now I remember she went both ways but now she says she is in love and the best part of it y’all, he’s Albanian too.
Oh that’s where it is!
I have a feeling I am going to be typing the word Albania a lot. All you drinkers out there get your shot glasses ready! During Season Four it’s all she talked about. She considered herself an Albanian Princess. Her father was a gangster who cut off some dudes foot and placed it in front of a house as a warning. Sadly this nice gentleman passed away when Flo was eight.
Patriot tells us that since both of their families are straight up Albanians, they want things to be done the old way.
Flo’s Mother is all happy happy because she wanted Flo to marry an Albanian but never thought she would.
Dentistry, NOT a tradition.
Patriots Mom however can’t keep a straight face when trying to say Flo is a nice girl.
She’s a succubus come to steal my baby!
Patriot tells us that the tradition is that the bride moves in with the groom’s family and does all the cooking and cleaning and basically becomes “The Barbie doll slave.”
Hahahahahahaaha! She won’t last ten minutes. Jill, Flo’s sister predicts she’ll last three weeks and then go back to being Flo.
Way to be supportive sis!
Two months before the wedding we see Flo and her MIL to be and about 800 other family members picking out her dress. Tradition dictates that the MIL to be gets to pick out the dress.
So she’ll burst into flames when entering the church.
Flo’s sister Jill tells us that Flo has to wear what she’s told and that her baby bump is gonna show and everyone will be talking about it at the Albanian wedding.
Back to dress picking. Mom vetos the dress and the next three she tries on. Finally we have a winner.
She almost looks like a girl.
Five days until the wedding Flo and Patriot go shopping for the baby. Flo says she is going to cross dress her kids and if they turn out gay she’ll love them just as much. Then she says she will tell them, “Mommy was gay once too and then I met your Daddy and he had a big penis and I fell in love.”
They should start that kids therapy NOW.
They discover a breast pump and Flo is freaked out. Patriot tells her he can suck the milk out himself and spit it into the bottle. Forget what I said before, these two are made for each other.
Patriot tries to negotiate a lower price on the crib but the owner ain’t giving in.
Don’t yous know I’m Albanian!
Flo starts to realize how expensive everything is and wonders what they will do when the baby comes and they can’t afford it. And she cries a little. Maybe she is a girl. Patriot tells us he’s always wanted to be a dad and he’s going to be the happiest dad ever. Don’t you want to be a fly on the wall when that bubble bursts?
Not exactly where you would expect an Albanian Princess to live.
Back at home, Flo gets a call from Tanisha. While talking, Flo is stuffing her face with everything she can find. Tanisha congratulates Flo on her baby and wedding but then says what we all were thinking. When she heard Flo was getting married she wondered if it was to a girl or a boy. Flo says everyone says that. Gee I wonder why?
Flo tells Tanisha she has to move in with Patriots family. Tanisha is stunned. She also tells us that his family plans the entire wedding.
Getting a little tired of all this tradition.
Off to the engagement party. Jill, Flo’s sis, says she had a problem with Patriot at first because she is an over protective nutjob. Or something like that. She toasts the couple and then we see this.
Cause you always want your ex’s to be at your engagement party.
Flo tells everyone that she always said that she would be with whoever she fell in love with. She wasn’t gay or straight. Ok. Suddenly we see Patriot sneaking up and Flo sees him and says he’s thinking “Bitch you better get away from that lesbian!” Flo says he knows she loves women and he gets more upset when she’s around girls than guys.
Methinks Patriot may have found Flo munching some carpet in the past.
Patriot walks over to the group and asks “Who’s getting beat up?” Then he kisses Flo and says “Dick runs this shit!” Flo says “Pussy runs this shit!” These two should open a greeting card business.
Patriot tells us he doesn’t like for her to hang out with her friends because they are a little on the crazy side. HAS HE MET FLO? He says they get drunk and don’t know how to handle themselves and they drag her into it and he has to “extract her from her group.”
Everyone is dancing and drinking. Even Flow has a drink in her hand, hopefully non leaded. Patriot tells us that he’s the man in the relationship and he makes the rules. He’s seriously gonna pee on her before this show is over.
One of Flo’s friends was dancing with Patriot but now she’s off to the side with Flo and she is pissed. She claims Patriot grabbed her boob. Flo says it had to be an accident but this girl is pissed and says he’s a piece of shit.
Someones in trouble!
Patriot says he had a bottle of vodka in one hand and a cocktail in the other, “How am I grabbing anything?” Suddenly a voice from the crowd says…
He must like his girls stinky.
Jill thinks he is talking to her and shouts back…
This obsession with washing must stop!
Jill gets nuts and Flo asks the dude who the fuck he’s talking to and he says..
Don’t ya just love drunk folks?
The guy keeps screaming and yells “I have no disrespect for you!” Well then stop yelling sheesh. Flo tells us she loves her sister but she is a hotheaded Albanian (are y’all drunk yet?) and right now she does not need this stress. Jill keeps yelling at the guy “Yous a bitch!” Does she have a hearing problem? Jill tells us that Flo is getting pissed and all she was trying to do was protect her from what was being said about Patriot. What? That doesn’t even make sense. Jill drives Flo home and Flow slams the car door. Flo is pissed and tells her every time they go out there is drama. Jill decides that maybe she won’t even come to the wedding.
Four days until the wedding Jill has a talk with her aunt. She tells her what happened and that she isn’t going to the wedding. Her aunt says she will regret that. She also tells her to butt out basically and that Flo will be protected by her husband not her sister.
A little later Flo comes in to Jill’s room with cookies. Jill tells her that she has protected her her whole life and she always will. Then she gets a ring that belonged to their Dad and gives it to Flow.
Now Flo has something she can punch Patriot in the head with.
They hug it out and then we hear a smoke alarm going off because Flo has burned the other cookies. Jill asks her how she’s gonna be a housewife if she can’t even make cookies.
Later Flo tells us that in Albanian tradition, she is not allowed to wear make up for 2 weeks before the wedding. She tells us she feels like a fat stuffed cow and hopes her dress fits. The love of her life says “What a coincidence, you look like a fat stuffed cow!”
Some traditions were made to be broken.
Here we go again.
How many freakin’ people is she related to?
Flo says she and her Mom are very close and she goes to her for advice. Mom wanders over and we see this….
That is so not fair.
Her Mom tells her the jewelry was her Nana’s. Her Mom is crying and they hug. Flo tells us that she has been waiting to get this jewelry but she doesn’t understand why she is giving it to her now. She is supposed to give it to her on her wedding day.
Three days before the wedding and we are at Patriots family home.
Ok they really need to get that dog to a vet.
Flo is there for her future MIL to show her how to be proper. Hahaha good luck!
There are way too many rules going on here. She has to bend her knees when serving so as not to place her boobies in front of the guests face. She is to always serve the men first and, AND she has to back out of the room because it is disrespectful to turn your back on people. What.EVER!
Flo tells us she doesn’t like to be told what to do and she doesn’t like serving people. Duh. MIL now brings up the matter of Flo’s tattoo. She wants it to be covered up. Oh hell more rules.
I’m waiting for Flo’s head to explode.
Mommy Dearest bought Flo some dresses and a coat. A fox coat with the legs still on it. Classy! Flo tells us this is not her style but………..
Flo tries on one of the dresses but her boobs are spilling out causing Mommy Dearest to gasp.
Back at Flo’s house Jill tells us she and some other girls are taking Flo to a strip club. She says she has seen Flo with strippers and it’s hilarious. Off to Flo’s bachelorette party.
I hope that’s not a stripper.
Flo tells everyone what she has to do and that she’s not easy to control. One of her friends asks her if she will be able to keep her mouth closed and Flo says “nobody is gonna change Flo.”
Flo has now been blind folded and led away. To a strip club!
Now that’s the Flo I remember.
After the strip club, Flo goes home to Patriot. He is upset. He tells her she needs to talk to her Mom. She asks why? He says he heard that she wasn’t coming to the wedding. Flo gets all upset and says bullshit. Flo starts crying and says if her Mom doesn’t come she is going to be upset and now they are both crying.
Two days before the wedding. Flo is back at her house and talking to her Mom. She tells her what Patriot said and Mom agrees that she may not be coming. Flo is all WHAT? Mom says it’s Albanian tradition that the parents of the bride do not attend the wedding. What kind of shit is that?
Some aunts and uncles come over because Mom needed some support. They try to tell her to come to the wedding. They tell her she needs to change some of the traditions because she is in America now. She says she has changed some and that’s why the aunts and uncles are attending.
Wah wah wah tradition!
Back over to Patriots house. Flo is slowly moving her stuff in. She pulls out her bad Girls poster and tries to hang it but MIL says hell no. Flo tries to tell her it’s not about the BGC. MIL doesn’t buy it. She saw part of Flo’s season and does not approve. Shocker.
Remove this wickedness from my sight or I shall have you beaten!
Cut to flashbacks of Flo losing her shit on Season Four. MIL says “When yous were going out I said this in NOT what I want in a daughter in law.” Well Merry Christmas to you too bitch. And she makes Flo take it down because she doesn’t want people to see it.
One day before the wedding. Flo and Patriot go to the OB/GYN to get an ultrasound to see what sex the baby is.
It’s a………..uhhh……….a blob.
Baby refuses to show it’s cash & prizes so the mystery continues.
Later that night back at Flo’s. Patriot comes in and says he has to go. He’s spending the night at her brothers. She doesn’t want him to go and starts talking baby talk. It’s annoying. She tries to get him to boink her but he refuses and finally leaves.
Wedding Day! Flo has some magicians over to transform her into a bride. She warns them they better apply the make up really well because there are gonna be a lot of tears. Just like my first wedding!
Later someone is going to airbrush her tattoo so it doesn’t show and shame the family. Time to get the dress on.
Her boobs have overtaken and she can barely get the dress on. Suddenly there is a rip lol.
Mom informs us she will not be going to the wedding. Her sister takes her outside and tries to reason with her but she refuses. She says she is going to have many sleepless nights thinking her daughter thinks she didn’t care enough about her to go to the wedding. Here’s an idea. GO TO THE FUCKING WEDDING!
Shut it drama queen.
It’s time to go.
Flo’s Mom pulls the veil over Flo’s head and kisses her.
She actually looks pretty.
Flo tells us her Mom isn’t coming because if she was she would have asked her to dye her roots.
They arrive at the wedding and a dude rolls out a red carpet. They go inside to greet family and friends. Look who shows up.
Yo where’s the cake?
Tanisha tells us she can’t believe Flo is getting married and that she’s at the first BGC wedding.
Time for the ceremony. They have to sign some documents and then a blessing is said over them.
Gee, could dad be more happy?
And with that they are married. Mommy Dearest takes Flo’s wrap off and asks for the airbrush girl to come. Flo and Patriot go downstairs to wait for the band to announce them. Flo finds food and starts eating and Patriot tells her not to eat with her fingers. Flo is all hot.
My vajayjay is heating!
In the ballroom Tanisha is wandering around and we see this guy.
The airbrush lady comes and covers her tatt so Mommy Dearest doesn’t shit a brick. Then Flo has to pee and getting that dress in a bathroom stall ain’t easy.
Finally they are being announced.
Now there’s a tradition I can get behind.
There is dancing and celebrating and suddenly Tanisha runs up to Jill and says she has to help her.
Her boobies broke her dress.
As Jill tries to fix the dress, Tanisha asks if they are happy to welcome Pilot to the family. Jill informs her his name is Patriot.
The bride and groom are sitting at the table and Flo says the next time they do the glasses they need to kiss each other. Patriot tells her to stop. Let me guess, Albanian tradition forbids them from kissing in public. Flo tells him to stop being a pussy. Patriot threatens to tell his Mommy and then she’d see how quick the marriage is over. Giggles galore.
They take pictures, dance, cut the cake. Tanisha tells us this wedding is like a cross between King Aziz and Snoop and Dr.Dre. And with the money on the floor she says she came to the right place.
Flo is happy at how her wedding turned out.
The happy couple. And then she kills him.
They prepare to leave and we see someone handing Flo envelope after envelope and some dude sweeping up all the money. Then we see Tanisha doing her video congrats. And she calls Patriot Patric. Then rewinds and calls him Pilot. She then tells them the key to a good relationship is to have lots of sex.
And cotton candy.
And they are off to the family home.
I can handle that.
Flo tells us an Albanian bride is like a store bought Barbie that you don’t want to take out of the box because you are afraid you will ruin it. She says the inlaws expect her to be perfect. Good luck.
Flo is placed in the bedroom and then Patriot goes running down the hall while being punched by his family. Not even kidding. And it gets worse.
Even his Mom is out there chanting and cheering and shit. After some kissy face and small talk Flo announces she is not serving people tomorrow. Patriot ignores that and says he doesn’t want to hear her complain after serving them tomorrow.
Flo tells Patriot they should pack their shit and go to Atlantic City. She tells us it’s not what an Albanian bride would do but it’s what a Bad Girl would do.
And they lived happily ever after.
That’s it for this edition. Next week we are back to the Season Six wackies.
Love & Smooches,