Bad Girls Club: Life’s A Bleach

No people life’s a bitch. A hateful cruel, hideous,devious bitch from hell who likes to make sure my life is as fucked up as possible. In case you haven’t noticed I haven’t slept for a couple of days. Long story short, they make insane asylums and nursing homes for a reason ok?

Getting to the sluts at hand. Erica,Kristin,Lea and Esther are toasting themselves since they are the “original Bad Girls”. Yeah there’s something to brag about. Meanwhile Trigger and Strawhead are in the hall listening. And they aren’t pleased. They have decided that it doesn’t matter when they got there, they are there. Good observation you horse faced twit.

OK I am pretty sure the rules are she must have her feed bag on at all times.

Trigger tells us that that she is not to be confused with any other house guest, she is Christina from Staten Island so don’t get it twisted. And, she’s there to take over the house. So that means what? If you stomp your hoof twice you are about to shit?

Meanwhile the other four are still whining about having two new girls. Well that’s what happens when you torture weak minded twits until they leave. They send in more. Dumbasses.

Seriously, someone give Trigger a carrot and slap some mayo on the other ones straw ass hair.

In the kitchen the newbies try to bond with Erica and Esther.  Erica is all sad because Dani is gone but then Esther finds some common ground with Trigger.

Yay another lesbian!

Esther tells us that she’s happy to have another lesbian in the house but she isn’t really her type. She likes dominate butch women. How much more butch can you get than a horse??? Ugh.

Esther wants to know what Triggers girlfriend is like and she says some shit that I rewound and listened to 7 times and all I got was that she’s a mobulwalk and really cute. Sorry I don’t understand what the hell she said.

Lea comes in and she tells then they are going to a lesbo club that night and so Trigger’s tail gets rigid and she asks Lea if she’s a lesbian too. Lea says no, she’s bi but isn’t everyone? Uh no, some of us can actually pick a hole. Greedy bitches.

Later as the twits are getting ready to go out Trigger won’t let go of the fact that she thinks Lea is a full blown lesbo. Lesbo, I mean Lea screams that she is NOT gay! She just likes to munch some carpet every now and again.

Just because I screwed 2 other girls with a dildo, one on her period, does not make me gay!!!

This keeps going and they are laughing about it but it’s starting to get on Lea’s nerves. Trigger offers to turn Lea into a lesbian. Just get her drunk and she’ll fuck anything in the house. Sheesh.

On and on the “You are a lesbian” goes until Lea changes the subject and tells the new girls that she didn’t like that they erased Dani’s message to them. Don’t think I mentioned that part before but they did.

Kristin even jumps in and says they shouldn’t have done that. Hello since when do you give a shit about Dani? HATE!

Off to Club Lesbo they go. At first they wouldn’t let Trigger in because pets are not allowed but the others convinced them she was a service horse and they let her in.

As long as there’s a pole and a desperate hobo, Esther will never go hungry.

Trigger and Esther start to bond. On the pole. At one point Esther has her legs behind her head and Trigger puts her horse face right in her crotch. BRB I have to go cut myself and/or vomit.

Kill me already!

Trigger has gotten extremely drunk and Strawhead tells us she gets a little crazy when she’s drunk. She’s humping everything in sight and screaming. She’s a mess. Then we see this.

You should have chiseled your info on one of your hooves.

It seems her debit card was also in there and she gets all in Kristin’s face who visibly takes a step back from the fumes. Then she says the dumbest thing that almost everyone I know always says when someone tells them they have lost something. “Where?” Sigh. IF SHE KNEW WHERE SHE WOULDN’T BE LOOKING FOR IT!

Kristin tells us that Trigger is trashed and acting crazy and it’s embarrassing. Wait, didn’t she get all drunk and have to spend the night at a hotel because she acted so crazy? Can we say hypocrite?

Outside Kristin and Lea go to refresh their makeup and talk trash about Trigger. Can’t say I blame them on this one. She is seriously fucked up.

Back at the house Trigger is still in need of booze.

You can lead a horse to water, but she prefers booze.

Trigger is spilling shit all over herself and slurring and can barely walk. In the kitchen as Kristin is making them a snack, Trigger starts in on Lea about being a lesbian. This is now making Lea seriously irritated.

If yoos lix da cooters yoos a lesbinin.

Finally Trigger gives up and goes to use the phone. I don’t know what planet she’s calling but apparently it has 37 numbers involved because she keeps dialing and all we hear is a busy signal. If you are too drunk to actually perform drunk dialing, GO TO BED. Or in her case, her stall.

Outside Kristin and Lea go to their super secret club house. The top of the car so they can trash Trigger some more. Lea is so pissed off about being called gay that she says she’s gonna punch her in the fucking mouth. Kristin tells us that Trigger needs to learn her place and that she and Lea are the top dogs.

Top dogs indeed.

The next morning Esther is calling a strip club to see if she can get an audition. She tells us she is extremely bored in this house with no pole and so she wants to jump on stage for a night. And it’s a totally nude strip club. She sets up an audition. Hang on, I have to figure out how I’m gonna do this next part of the recap blindfolded.

Later Kristin and Lea get Strawhead outside and talk about last nights events. Strawhead tells them that Trigger is embarrassed and doesn’t remember anything. Lea immediately starts talking about how Trigger keeps calling her gay and how she’s gonna punch her. Strawhead is just happy no one hates her at this point. Give them time dear. And please get some conditioner.

The girls are off to Magic City Casino to watch the dog races………..no I won’t say it, it’s too easy. In one car Kristin, Esther, Erica and Lea are sitting quietly. Until Lea bursts out with how Trigger keeps calling her a lesbian. Has she ever heard the phrase “Methinks thou bitch protest too fucking mucheth?”

I’M NOT GAY DUDE!

Lea decides that they should just make the newbies miserable. Instead they seem to be making Esther miserable. As the dogs are racing, Kristin keeps talking about how appalled she is at dog racing because they use the dogs  basically until they are no longer useful and then they either kill them or send to places where they end up being killed because no one adopts them. (I happen to agree. Hey I watch documentaries!) My problem with her protestations is that SHE AGREED TO GO TO THE FUCKING PLACE.

I really hate when I have to agree with Esther.

Kristin and Lea decide they can not take this appalling hideous horror any longer and decide to leave. They ask the others if they want to come and if not they can take the other car. Trigger sums it up nicely by saying they are so ” dra-ma-tic.” Duh.

In the casino Esther, Erica, Strawhead and Trigger start yapping. Mostly about how fake Lea and Kristin are. Erica hopes that the four of them can bond and then there will be a reality check for the two fakies. Why is the word fake used so much on these shows? ALL OF YOU ARE FAKE. If any one of you acted in the real world the way you do on these shows you’d be in jail. Actually some of you are.

Later that night they are all going out and Kristin tells us it’s just so hard since all of then are dressed trashy except for her and Lea. Shut it Elly May Clampett. Don’t you have a possum to fetch?

Speaking of possums, I just had to run one off my back deck. Not even kidding. And NO I did not kill him and put him in a pot. Way too early in the season for that.

Like, shut the fuck up.

Lea tells us that the newbies have bonded with Esther and Erica and it’s pathetic. Maybe so but what else is pathetic is someone who screws girls with a dildo and then is offended  by being called gay.

Meanwhile Strawhead has gone outside with Lea and Kristin and Erica gets in Triggers ear and tells her if she’s smart she’ll stick with she and Esther. Trigger is upset and wondering why her roomie is yacking it up with the two fakies.

Outside Strawhead is asked her opinion of Lea and Kristin. She’s honest and says at first sight she thought Kristin was a bitch. Kristin tells us that she likes Strawhead and with a little help she might even look decent.

Once back inside Trigger starts asking questions.

Shove an apple in her mouth. She’ll be fine.

Trigger is suspicious of Strawhead speaking with the enemy. Off to the bathroom they go. Strawhead tells us that Trigger is all suspicious and she’s crazy. Dude, y’all talked about her the whole time. She is definitely crazy but not about that.

The next day Trigger is excited because they are going tanning. Seriously? The girls face looks like neglected leather as it is. Picture her at 50.

She looks like she’s ready for the glue factory now.

Erica is going with Trigger to go tanning. Trigger is so excited she tells us she plans her whole day around tanning. Sounds like someone has been watching too much Jersey Shore to me.

Meanwhile Kristin finds Triggers mostly empty booze bottle outside and shows it to Lea. After Kristin pours out some, Lea decides to spit in it and the Kristin puts toilet water in it. Talk about class.

I’m just infusing this bottle with my essence.

They congratulate themselves on their brilliant prank. Meanwhile Erica and Trigger are off to the tanning salon. In the car they talk about how Kristin and Lea are fake. Erica decides she likes Trigger. Yay.

Trigger tells us she just loves tanning. She loves laying in the bed and looking good.

She looks like an old dried up leather shoe.

Later at the house, Esther is all excited because tonight is the night she gets to go stripping and show the girls what she’s working with. Hasn’t she already done that like, a million times?

Yay I get to show off my ho skills!

Once at the Pink Pussy Cat the announcer tells everyone the BGC is in the house and one of them will be dancing for them. Screams abound. He announces Venus!

How much ya wanna bet the pole melts.

All the girls are impressed and throwing dollars. I wouldn’t throw Monopoly money at her but that’s just me. “Venus” tells us she feels like a new woman.

When it’s mercifully over the announcer tells the BGC girls to head to the back because they will be getting lap dances. As Erica puts it, she looks over and sees Lea getting a lap dance and she biting her bottom lip and eye fucking the girl. So why does she get so pissed when Trigger calls her gay?

She’s NOT a lesbian y’all!!!!!

 

Trigger reaches forward and laughingly calls Lea a little lesbian.Trigger tells us that if it quacks like a duck and fucks other women, you are a lesbian.

Kristin is getting a lap dance too but just looks uncomfortable. As soon as they get in the limo Lea starts in on Trigger and tells her she is NOT a lesbian. She even climbs on top of her to impress upon her that she is not a lesbian. Cut to this montage.

Definitely not a lesbian.

Nope. No lesbos here.

Lea tells us that she finds women attractive and sure she might fuck one every now and again but she DOES NOT LIKE WOMEN LIKE THAT!

In the limo things start to turn ugly. Well uglier than the girls inside, Lea starts getting mad because now Trigger is naming examples of why Lea is a lesbian and Lea grabs her by the arms and Trigger tells her not to touch her. All the other girls get that “Oh shit” look on their faces.

Lea tells Trigger if she calls her a lesbian one more time she’s going to punch her in the mouth. Erica offers that she’s bi-sexual and Lea even denies that. Ok.

Once at the house Lea and Kristin go to their clubhouse for a meeting.

It’s where they plan their next strategy. lololololol

They both just talk about Trigger and how they hate her and they want her gone. Then I look over and see this.

Run little Puss Puss or Lea will eat you. Literally.

Kristin tells us she has Lea’s back and she will do what ever she wants her to do because there really are no rules in this war. Remember that for later.

They have come up with a plan! They are going to push her and make her hit them and that way she will have to leave!!! Brilliant!

Lea and Kristin scamper into the house calling for Trigger. Lea warns us that Trigger is not gonna know what hit her. They start with telling her they don’t like her. She’s ok with that, she doesn’t like them either. Lea gets up in her face and dares her to call her a lesbian, so Trigger calls her a lesbian.

Two against one. And it still isn’t working. Great plan dipshits.

Lea tells Trigger she is gross and keeps getting closer to her. Trigger laughs and tells them she isn’t going anywhere. Kristin who is now facing away from Trigger says “I think it’s time to gooooooooooooo.” in that long drawn out way she has of speaking. Trigger is unfazed.

The shouting starts and it looks like Lea does push Trigger but Trigger doesn’t hit her and they just keep screaming the same shit. Strawhead by the way is just watching. Even though she doesn’t think it’s fair that they are double teaming Trigger, she’s staying out of it.

Lea tells Trigger she’s only a lesbian by default because no man would stick his dick in her. Meanwhile Kristin does what she does best and picks up Triggers suitcase and throws it down the stairs.

Ohhhhhhhhh now that’s a Bad Girl!

Kristin then reminds us that they have kicked out several girls from the BGC and that now it’s time for her to pack her cheap Wal-Mart bags.

Weak. Weaker. Weakest.

Kristin and Lea keep throwing Triggers things down the stairs but she just keeps laughing and calls them pathetic. Back up the stairs they go where the verbal assault continues to NOT WORK.

Triggers tries to go to the potty and then this happens.

Kristin’s head would be swirling in that bowl.

Yep Kristin throws water on Trigger as she’s trying to pee. And it gets crazier from there. As Trigger is yelling that she is not a replacement girl, Kristin and Lea continue to pour shit on her. I don’t even know what half of this stuff is.

Even Esther is pissed and doesn’t understand why they are doing this. Lea bumps Trigger and continues yelling random insults and Trigger pushes her away from her but doesn’t hit her. Mainly she just keeps laughing at them.

I would have lost it by now and punched Lea’s lesbian lights out.

Lea tells Trigger her face looks like Kermit The Frog and her skin looks like an alligator.

She has a point there.

Erica can’t believe she hasn’t snapped and is impressed so am I. Kristin tells us that Trigger just keeps repeating the same things over and over (just like she does) and it’s not a declaration of  “I’m not leaving.” its a declaration of “I’m an idiot.”  Exactly how is she the idiot when YOUR perfect strategy is a complete failure?

Now we are back to Lea throwing what looks like soy milk all over Trigger. More screaming. More laughing. Kristin grabs some framed pictures of Trigger’s and smashes them to pieces. She pours vodka all over the place and the whole time she’s screaming “DONE!”

I hear soy milk is good for the skin.

The liquid assault continues…..

Hey twits, I’d start running about now.

Suddenly Trigger has some liquids of her own to throw……….

Whores, meet bleach. I feel sorry for the bleach.

Immediately Lea runs and Kristin starts screaming that she threw bleach on her. Over and over and over. BLEACH.BLEACH.BLEACH.BLEACH!!!!!! She’s on the phone screaming at someone that she threw bleach on her and totally losing her shit.

And like OMG, she  even threw it in her hair!

Pretty sure your hair is quite familiar with bleach.

Kristin tells us that’s chemical warfare and her hair is going to fall out. Then she gets into the shower and screams the whole time. Meanwhile I am laughing the whole time. Yes throwing bleach is probably not a good thing to do but these bitches had that shit coming.

Poor Trigger walks back into her room, where her mattress is now half off the bed and promptly busts her ass on the slippery ass floor.

When Kristin comes out of the shower she runs back at Trigger and screams some shit about chemical warfare. Lea starts tearing up her pictures. Trigger is still not fazed and just keeps saying I don’t care.

Trigger tells them get over it she is here to stay. LOL, I’m kinda liking her right now, but I am still calling her Trigger.

Erica tells Trigger to go hop in the pool and she does. Upstairs, Kristin realizes that the bleach got on her $230 jeans that she just bought and she lets out a scream from hell.

Now remember, there are no rules in this war.

Meanwhile as Trigger is happily floating around in the pool, she tells us that Lea and Kristin are jokes. I have to agree. And laugh because they are still freaking out.

Oh yeah, their plan really hit the mark!

Upstairs Lea is screaming and punching her fist and saying she’s going to a hotel because “I will knock the bitch out clean!” Uhhh, you have had 2700 opportunities to knock her out and all you did was pour shit on her. Give it up. You suck.

Esther is sitting in a chair by a lamp and when Lea starts shaking it and screams over and over about knocking a bitch out, Esther tries to calm her down and Lea screams at her to shut the fuck up. Throw that nutjob down the stairs.

I never thought there would be an episode where Esther was one of the sane ones.

Kristin tells us that she and Lea are staying at a hotel tonight because one of the rules in  BGC is no hitting. And if they stay they will hit her. LOLOLOL. Yeah and I’m not eating any of that cheesecake when I get done here.

Then she says Trigger should be counting her lucking stars. LOL, let me get this straight, your plan was to run her out of the house, you threw every liquid in the house on her and she threw one thing, granted it was bleach, but YOU TWO are leaving the house. Even if it’s only for the night, she won you chubby big lipped mean ass fake ass non Bad Girl. I feel so much better now. And believe me I will be eating that cheesecake.

Outside Trigger is still in the pool and Erica is telling her how much respect she has for her. Quiet ass Strawhead who I’d forgotten about comes outside. She tells us that she had told Trigger that she had her back but now she doesn’t know if she can handle Trigger’s crazy ways. Did we watch a different show? What.Ever.

The house is a total mess and since Kristin is gone and they poured crap all over Triggers bed, Trigger throws her mattress down the stairs and she and Esther swap it for Kristin’s.

I almost feel guilty calling her Trigger now. Almost.

The next morning the girls are laughing at how destroyed the house his. They can’t even walk in some places because their shoes are sticking to the floor.

For once, it’s NOT semen.

Oh hell, Bleach Barbie is home and unhappy. Trigger is at the sink and smiling. Kristin tells us she is still upset because Trigger is there with her ugly face and her hair is falling out. Then she says to us like we didn’t already know, “She threw bleach on meeeeeeeeeeuh.” Yeah I know twit and I’m still laughing. So suck it.

Kristin tells Esther that she is definitely pressing charges on her for throwing bleach on her. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Bleach,bleach,bleach,bleach………SHUT UP ALREADY!!!!!!

Oh hell now Lea’s back and someone locked the door and she is pissed. Kristin runs down and lets her in. She comes stomping in the house screaming, “Who locked the fucking door? I am back bitch.” and screams. Just give it up. You have no credibility as a Bad Girl anymore. No one is afraid of you.

Kristin and Lea then proceed to talk about how lame Trigger is because she didn’t destroy any of their things while they were gone. She destroyed your over priced britches now didn’t she Kristin? The only lameness I’m seeing right now is you two.

Lea says she threw, coffee,vodka,dish liquid,some other crap and spit on her face 3 times. Lea tells us that Trigger is just as weak as the others and the only reason she stayed is because she knows she only has a few weeks left. Whatever gets you through the night lame ass.

Strawhead comes in and hugs them and this does not go unnoticed by Trigger.

Later the girls are getting ready to go out and Lea notices that Trigger is getting ready to. Lea asks her if she’s coming with them and she says yes. Lea is shocked and asks her why she would come where no one wants her.

Lea tells us that Trigger doesn’t know who she’s fucking with and that what she says goes. Really now. Excuse me….hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

In the end Lea manages to sneak everyone out to the limo and leave Trigger behind. They think it’s the most clever thing ever. Erica of course stayed at home and can’t believe they left without her. Oh please.

At the club Lea hooks up with a dwarf just to prove she isn’t gay.

Still gay.

First Trigger calls her girlfriend to bitch but then she decides fuck it. She’s going out. She calls a cab. She arrives at The Pink Room and walks in and sees someone and screams and immediately hugs her. Oh hell no.

She’s baaaaaaaack!

Ha! This might actually be fun. Until next time,

Love and Smooches,

Cherie