Bad Girls Club: Peenginas, Abuse, and Mexicans

I’m jealous of a blind person.

Cherie is out this week for family stuff, and I am on recap vacation which means I am the substitute bitch! Thankfully, Cherie only covers white trash shows. I don’t watch this one and have zero idea of what is going on on it, but I am very well versed in white trash. Disagree? Watch your weave, bitch.

People don’t realize what a history the Bad Girls have. It was one of the first shows Star Jones was fired from.

Previously, Dickie and Whoren became friends! Together, they unleashed hell! While we’re on the subject of leashes, both of you need em. Woof.

I only recapped the first episode of the season, and I am SHOCKED to see how much of this has gone down.

She literally knocked your face sideways. You should thank her. You’re at least entertaining looking this way.

Basically, it looks like there’s a new girl who looks like a man who yells and punches people a lot. There’s a big fight going on in the house right now over tax hikes and the Libyan’s right to demand freedom. Who’ll win? Who cares? This week we’re going to Mexico!!

Finally. A reason to cheer on the beheadings. Here’s lookin at you, cartels!

The suffocation rate for fat Mexican guys is about to skyrocket.

We open with the new girl shit talking. “You wanna reaction! I’ll give you a reaction!”

My reaction is that you need serious help with that face.

That was quick!

Dickie hits the ugly dude and they go at it. Then we get to see Dickie’s dickie/vag hybrid. Apparently the editors felt America wasn’t ready for the image. Come on, guys! This is the best way to educate America on transgenders. Ah well, I guess we’ll have to shill twenties on Santa Monica Blvd like we always have to learn. Jerks.

Hair pulling! Penis punching! Bitch slapping! How come these girls never bleed? If you’re gonna fight, do it right. The new guy stops short of kicking Dickie in the face, which is kinda hilarious. So kicking in the face isn’t allowed? Glad you’ve got some boundaries, Oxygen! The old accountant lady loved it.

Back at the house, the girls are all psyched that Dickie got punched in the vagwiener. Whoren is pledging that she’ll “be there” for Dick. Be there to watch her nutz get punched. Dickie wants a hug, but even Whoren’s smart enough not to hug someone while they take a poo. Germs are bad, you guys. Glad the editors got another chance to pixelate out Dickie’s dickie, though. That must be a full time job. The ho seems like she’s really packing.

When did you eat corn?

Whoren makes sure Willa Marie or whatever his name is isn’t mad. For today, let’s just call him Bob. Bob yells in Whoren’s face that he’s not mad at her. Really? That’s how you’re not mad at people? Cuz I’m scared of you. I can see your plaque. Please back away. And brush your teeth. Old Lady Accountant is upset that Whoren is kissing ass after Dickie was pulled out of the house, unable to protect her. Duh. It’s like girl jail. You have to give cigs and pussy to the strongest man standing or you’ll get shanked or butt raped in the shower. Am I the only one who’s been to girl jail?

Um are you done with my taxes yet? Please don’t hit me.

Old Lady is big talking right now about how she’s the queen of the house and now Whoren has to do her bidding, but she’s whispering so no one will hear her which kinda deflates her power. Chola Jessica has some after fight talk with Whoren, like it was just another day at volleyball practice. Chola has become very, very wise this season. She says that Dickie needs to learn that sometimes in life, crooked faced men are gonna beat your ass and it’s better to learn it in a mansion on TV than on the street, where face kicking is apparently allowed.

Dickie was sent to a hotel, where she immediately calls Father of the Year. She talks about the fight, and he suggests going back to the house and beating more people up. There are these billboards all over LA saying the end of the world is coming next month. I actually cheer every time I see them. Just make it quick, please. You gotta admit, we deserve that shit. Jesus is gonna have like two people on the bus to Heaven. Humanity needs to be wiped the fuck out. Dickie is positive that Whoren will be on her side forevs, but Dad doesn’t sound too sure. Hon can I call you back? I’ve got a toilet to snake.

Dickie returns to the house and Whoren assures her that she bit her nails to the quick cuz she was so sad about (being unprotected by Large Marge in girl jail) her departure. Old Lady Accountant knows from her office days that the best way to relax when there’s tension is for the whole office to go out and get margaritas. Mexican bar crawl! And this time there’s no limo, there’s a tour bus. You can’t flash your nubby chola titties as easily in a limo.

Nubby Chola Titties: Keeping Hollywood gay for decades

They start at a gay bar, which is fitting since at least three of them are sporting wieners. Hey, if you’re gonna get wasted and not fucked anyway, you might as well do it around people who will laugh at your stupidity instead of call the police. Gays love wrecks.

Dickie and Whoren separate themselves from the others. Dickie’s not even drinking her gallon margarita. Sad horns. She says that she hit first, so she wasn’t surprised she got hit back. She understands cause and effect. These girls really grow over a season, no? It’s like watching evolution. Starting here.

Dickie has no plans to attack Bob again. Shocker! Afraid of that boot in your face? A dad’s advice to the kid being bullied is always “punch the fucker and they’ll leave you alone.” Glad that panned out for someone. I tried it and got my ass kicked. My dad? Kinda sucks.

Back to the bus. Chola fingers her own ass crack and puts the juice all over Bob’s face. It’s all fun and games til you have anal warts popping out all over your man mug. When they get back home, there is a mariachi band waiting for them. They look like Chola and Dickie’s futures.

Nubby Chola Titties: The Senior Years

There are, of course, gallons of margaritas waiting for them. They’re going to Mexico! Old Lady does a sexy dance and tells us how sexy they’re gonna be on the sexy beaches of sexy Mexico! Say sexy enough times and maybe we’ll be brainwashed enough to buy it? Maybe. But you’ll have to stop jiggling your underarm fat at us first, heifer.

The girls are excited. You can tell cuz they’re dry humping each other instead of kicking each other in the ballz. Dickie? Not happy. Her dad told her to beat someone and she’s gonna do it, dammit! Whoren tries to warn her to stay calm, and tells us that Dickie has a need to be dominant and on top but Whoren’s not like that. Did anyone doubt that Whoren’s the bottom in this relationship? Dickie is mad that her buttgirl is trying to keep peace. I hope she punches her, and she probs will. She knows Whoren can’t win in a fight, and she’s sure as shit not gonna punch Bob again. Make Daddy proud, Dickie!

They are taken to the airport in a van. Jeeze. How long does it take to clean crabs and blood out of that limo? Old Lady Accountant video tapes them all in the van. Videotaping videotaping. How meta. She’s not as kind to herself as the show’s camera men, though, and shows off her crow’s feet in the first shot.

If this was a commercial, someone would scratch DRY on her cheek.

Old Lady loves the white, “Christine” rooms at the hotel. LOL. Well, accountants don’t have to spell. Or moisturize. The girls screech and flap their ass cheeks around for a bit, then they get into their best whore outfits for a classy dinner. Dickie knows she’s pretty much losing at life, so she tries to make nice with Old Lady at the dinner table. Old Lady’s not having it, so Dickie and Whoren decide to skip dessert. I think that’s the first time that’s ever happened.

Maybe just try skipping. Like, a lot.

Dickie says they need to go flaunt their shit. “Let’s got to Senor Frog’s!” HAHAHAH! What? Is there no Applebee’s in Acapulco? Old Lady is back at the table with her minions talking about how “my patients are wearing thin”. How did this moron ever have a job anywhere? And did she really quit or did the company just get embarrassed every time she misspelled her own name on office birthday cards and fire her stupid ass?

Dickie and Whoren are over at Frog’s, and Whoren’s jerking Dickie off. I really could have used some pixelation here.

They get wasted and spread their vaginas all over the bar. The other girls go dancing, and they can’t find one straight guy that will talk to them. LOL! Love it. Even in Mexico the straight guys have better sense than to dillly dally with these skanks. Chola says she wants no drama, and Semi Pretty blonde girl gets dry humped by some fat guy. Then she pulls up her shirt so a gay dude can lick some whipped cream off the saline sacks her mom bought her. I’m sure this is supposed to be sexy, but gay dude has waxed his eyebrows to drag queen specifications and all I can think is what kind of gay guy takes in that many calories in public? Most of us hide in the dark and rock back and forth crying when we binge. It’s a tribal thing.

Have some self respect and binge in private, please.

Dickie runs into a friend she used to play lacrosse with. She wants money from Whoren to buy the guy drinks, and Whoren is drunk and itching for a fight. She tells Dick that she has opinions and Dick won’t let her get them out! Oh wah. Senor Frogs isn’t the time or place for your opinions, Whoren. Do you have cash or not? Dickie sees that Whore is mad, so she kisses her lots and tries to keep her on her side. The only way you’re keeping her is if she’s scared of you. Beat her.

Whore tells us that she can’t take Dickie any more and tells Dickie and her friend to go away to another bar if they don’t wanna pay attention to her. She goes back to the hotel to read a long book. Or something. How long is this show? She goes onto the beach to talk shit and drain penises with Semi Pretty Blonde.

She’s sick of being disrespected! She wants to be friends with Semi Pretty now! They talk nonsensically for awhile. Meanwhile, Bob says that she has scratches on her boobs from Dickie and she’s still pissed about it. The next morning, Old Lady and Dickie are sleeping late while the other girls wheelbarrow each other on the beach. They should be dragging each other’s faces over that sand. A facial is a facial, and every one of these coozes could use one.

Bikinis need to come with warning labels

So, Bob. What do you think of the trip?

Ok I’ll ask later.

Bob is mad that Dickie is wearing a sparkly sombrero cuz when the sun hits it it blinds everyone. I have to give Dickie credit, though, cuz Bob has never looked better.

I’d beg her to keep that thing on, if I was you.

The girls go up to shower. Another first. Old Lady made the mistake of falling asleep at the pool, which leaves her alone and unprotected when Dickie backpacks over to her to try to make nice together. Remember how we were the first ones in the house to meet and how we screamed and yelled and stuff? Wasn’t that fuuuuuun?

Wha?? Hey could you hand me my nose corks before my brains spill out?

Old Lady is not liking this treaty attempt, but she doesn’t have anyone there to back her up so she thinks twice before she smack talks. She tries the cold shoulder, but Dickie won’t stop trying. Old Lady says that she hates Whoren more than Dickie cuz she got physical. Dickie turns on Whoren, saying that yeah that was bad and she doesn’t think she’d even be friends with Whoren in real life. Old Lady calls Whoren a “floater.” Love Big Brother references. Especially from a show that makes that one look classy and refined. Old Lady falls for Dickie’s “I totes respect you” act. You can tell cuz her nostrils open up wide enough to hug Dickie’s tree trunk neck.

Whoren’s up in the room bitching about Dickie with the other girls while Semi Pretty pops a zit on her leg.

Because I shouldn’t be the only one who has to see this.

That night, Dickie and Old Lady are still hanging out together. Ew. Dickie can’t be alone, so she waddles back upstairs wasted.

Or this.

She has a waiter roll her into the room on a service tray. I feel sorry for the fool who eats off that cart later.

What is this, Hawaii? Get the pig on the spit on the beach. This is a safety hazard.

The girls say they don’t want room service. “That’s expired!” HAHAHAH. Whoren wants to confront Dickie. About what? I don’t know. I honestly can’t tell. But I can’t wait to see for Whoren to get beat up. Semi Pretty says that Dickie is insane. No, she’s not a doctor, but she’s a licensed massage therapist so it’s not like she can’t make psychological evaluations on transgendered bullies. That’s about the same education Dr. Phil has. She will have her OWN show any day now.

Dickie tries to be nice to Whoren, but Whoren’s just cold and bitchy. Old Lady doesn’t have a reason to act like a drama queen at the moment, so she gives herself an excuse to have a breakdown.

On the van ride to whatever chain restaurant they’re on their way to, a wasted Dickie sits in the back and slurs out “BOOOORING! BORING! BORRING! FOLLWER! OLDOLDYOUNGOLDYOUNG OWMYNUTZ” and makes the girls nuts. Then she makes the driver pull over so she can pee in the street. See? Having a peen isn’t bad. You can pee anywhere. I wouldn’t wash my face in any sink she’s used. While she’s out of the van, Whoren assures the girls that she won’t be taking any of Dickie’s shit today! Uh huh. At Chili’s, Dickie makes a toast, but everyone ignores it. Uh oh! Dickie’s pissed!

There are cockroaches crawling all over the place. EW. Dickie waddles out onto the street to hang out alone cuz everyone else is ignoring her. AW! The girls take shots and whine about Dickie some more. Bob hopes the silent treatment teaches Dickie a lesson. They go dancing at a club, and Dickie just sits there quietly. She says she doesn’t need a posse. Dance classes? Another story. She makes out with the DJ and tells us that she’s a big deal. The DJ thinks he’s a big deal too. I fucking love reality tv.

Your publicist? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! What, does she defend your iTunes choices to the Thrifty Nickel? You’re a fucking DJ. Shut up and press play.

By the end of the night, the only one who doesn’t hate Dickie is Old Lady. Old knows Whoren couldn’t handle Dickie! She convinces Dick that Whoren is the root of all her problems. At the pool, Whoren starts telling Dickie off for getting on her nerves. She goes off, but Dickie doesn’t care. Neither does anyone else. Montage of all the good times they had together. The lip tattoo! The funny faces! The first taste of the dickgina! AWWWW!

Whoren goes to the beach to blah about Dickie. SHUT UP. And buy a one piece. Fuck.

Old Lady hangs with Dickie and Chola at the pool. She tells them that she kinda made up with Dicky, and no one’s happy with that. Bob says it took a lot of balls for Whoren to go against Dickie. It’s gonna take a lot of stitches, that’s fo sho. Time to go back home! Now that they’ve had a break from doing nothing, the girls are ready to get back to…doing nothing. Dickie says she’s just gonna ignore the others and bang some more ugly iTunes players.

Chinless is the new black.

 

Dickie gets wasted and again tells us that she’s ready to rumble. She comes home wasted and calls Bob “REPLAAACEMENT!” HAHAHA. Bob shouts that she’ll beat on Dickie, and Dickie keeps yelling “REPLACEMENT!” Super dramatic music plays. After a lot of yelling up and down the stairs at each other, Dickie goes up to the bedroom and throws Bob’s sheets does the stairs. Then she goes to rifle through Bob’s stuff. Bob gets mad and begs Dickie to punch her. A push. A harder push. A slap. YAY! Bob punches back, grabs the hair, and wails on Dickie.

And that’s it. Now I am going to enroll in online college. Thanks, Bad Girls!