Bad Girls Club Recap:Chicks Before Hicks

We join the house this week with everyone sleeping except Dani. She is on the phone with her Dad. He tells her that her mother is concerned. (I’m thinking awwww that’s so sweet. Then I get slapped back into reality when this doofus continues speaking) She is concerned that they won’t make it through the BGC. That if one falters they both falter. He then tells her that he’s always loved and respected the twits but this is really the first time they are really doing something with their lives. Dad says coming home is NOT an option. They need to “stick it out and get the drama going.”

I don’t know what part of that is the most disturbing. The BGC is first time they are doing something with their lives??? Have they heard of school? Or Wal-Mart? Did Cops cut them from the show?

Dani says she is trying to be the instigator and find drama but there isn’t any.(WHAT?) He tells her that everyone would be so disappointed if they came home……….He does know she hasn’t enlisted in the Army right?

In confessional Gabi tells us that Dad wants drama but all these bitches sleep all the time and that’s not what she’s here to do. Dani then says this is BG6 for Boring Girls Club and Gabi has to tell her that this is season 8. Rewind and Dani tells Gabi her hair is greasy as hell and she needs to wash that shit now. Gabi tells her to shut up and then coughs in her face, twice.

That’s just nasty.

Wow this episode is off to a roaring start! zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Dani goes and tells Stinky what her Dad said and Stinky tells her to keep her out of the drama. She then reminds us of the reason she had to spend the night in a hotel.

Downstairs Schizo approaches Tubby and tries to make nice so she won’t be mad at Buggy for waking them up the night before with her large rhino feet. Tubby tells her NOT to take up for Buggy because no one takes up for her. Then she waddles off.

How can someone look so tubby in the front but normal from behind?

That girl has seriously unfortunate facial and neck structure.

Schizo tells us that she finds it really pathetic that all the girls want to do is sit around and talk shit about everyone else. She tells us it’s a game and she has to go with it.

Schizo goes to the phone room and Buggy follows and lays at her feet. Buggy says they are so childish. Schizo says “Trashy.” All the while she is listening to the voice messages and when there is a call for Tubby she erases it.

She just said the others were childish and trashy and now she is childishly deleting messages and SUCKING on a phone that has fuck only knows who all’s ear wax on it!

Later in this riveting episode, Mimi is telling Buggy and Schizo she wants some romance. She’s not even talking about sex though, she would be happy with a cuddle or a kiss. Then go to an old folks home, the old dudes will help ya out!

Uh oh. The Crimson Chin(Thank you Deja)  goes to check the phone messages and when she finds none calls her boyfriend and asks if he called. He says he did and he left a message. She tells him to hold on and she yells who deleted my messages? Schizo immediately admits she did it. Ok, that’s a first. The Crimson Chin, who will also be known as Tugly, because she’s not all tubby but she is all ugly, yells why would you do that. Rule number one never delete messages!

After she gets off the phone she approaches Schizo.

Then there should be a lot of use of the word fuck.

Nope. She calmly tells Schizo to please not delete her man’s messages because it’s driving her crazy and that the only reason she is speaking calmly is because she has found Jesus. Damn, have you noticed how often Jesus gets lost? He should get a GPS or something.

Schizo agrees but giggles with Buggy after Tugly leaves. Buggy tells us in confessional that Tugly is just a complaining ass bitch.

Tugly goes and tells Stinky(damn my own nicknames for these people are giving me fits) that “she better be glad I found Jesus or this fork would  have been in someone’s hide.” Again with the lost Jesus!

Tugly tells us that they are about to hear “the wrath of Venetia” and if they want war they got war. Pfft.

Later Mimi, Buggy and Schizo hit the town. Gabi finds this disturbing because Mimi should be hanging with them and not a bitch who hit her and her sketchy ass friend. She says why she chose to do that is beyond her.

As are many things I’m sure.

Mimi tells us that her place in the house is in the middle but more to the Schizo/Buggy side. She says she is not really comfy back home. She’s the person everyone wants to get to know but if they don’t feel that connection with her then she feels no need to force it. Now she’s on my nerves. If EVERYONE wants to get to know you why would you have to force a connection?

At Club Whatthefuck, Mimi spots a dude and asks Buggy to go fetch him for her. Buggy tells us she is the ultimate “wing woman.” That she is willing to get her girls whatever guy they want.

Yes and if her giant eyes don’t scare them away they know they’re keepers!

Buggy goes over to the dude and does her job.

Uh oh he looks startled………

Wow he’s brave. He dealt with his fear and said sure! Off they go. Mimi decides to play hard to get.

Why don’t ya just write “Fuck Me!” right on your forehead?

He doesn’t have time to say anything before she asks him if he’s a football player. He says “Nah”. Ohhhhh a conversationalist! His name is Julian and Mimi is head over clit that she is around him right now. Buggy, I think, tells the dude he should give her a smooch. Guess what happens. Yep they start kissing. Buggy is yelling for nipple twists and stupid shit and Schizo is hopping up and down like she just saw her parents having sex.

Schizo then goes and buys a shot of Patron and it’s body shot time!!!!!!

Is there anywhere that girl won’t stick her tongue?????

Back at the house the Troll Patrol are talking shit about the others. Tugly is saying that they should get rid of Schizo first because Buggy has a little bit of backbone but Schizo will do whatever they say. Tugly’s plan is to “FUSStrate” the hell out of Buggy so she goes into attack mode and then she will kick her ass and send her home in a body bag. Ya know what “FRUStrates” me??? PEOPLE WHO FUCKING SAY FUSSTRATE!!!! THERE IS AN R IN THERE!!!!!

This portion of me having a tantrum is now over. For the moment.

Tugly continues by saying that unlike everyone else in the house she isn’t afraid of leaving this house…uhhhh ok. Toodles.

The next morning, Buggy and Schizo are in the pool talking about places they could go to meet cute guys. Buggy’s first thought………Home Depot.

Fuck the clubs, Home Depot is where it’s at y’all!

Then Schizo decides maybe they could find some dong at a kick boxing class. Or dancing classes. Then they start dancing together in the pool and laughing. This is apparently a cardinal sin because the Troll Patrol is sitting near the pool watching and they are not amused. And they have Mimi.

Gabi takes this opportunity to tell Mimi that when Schizo  punched her she thought Mimi would go buck wild on her. Mimi says she’s not a fighter and will only fight if someone does something to her. But she is very defensive of herself.

Mimi tells us she hasn’t forgotten that Schizo punched her but she’s trying to keep the peace. She tells the Twits that she could live without Schizo but Buggy loves her so much. Dani announces that it’s only because she’s the only other white girl. That just like “they” have an understanding, because they are Haitian, they have an understanding because they are white.

Wow that wasn’t racist at all.

Mimi doesn’t look like she’s buying what they are selling but who the hell knows? Dani tells us she is trying to pull Mimi to their side and Mimi needs to decide what she wants to do and do it fast. Dani needs an ass whooping badly.

Stinky and Tugly decide to go run a few errands and talk shit. Neither was raised to need anyone. They were raised to be independent. Hahahahaha, that’s what your Grannys told you so they wouldn’t have to explain why you didn’t know who your Mommy and Daddy were.

Damn that was mean, even for me. Oh fuck it.

Tugly goes on to talk about how nothing affects her because she saw her cousin die before her eyes, she has seen people getting murdered and AND she’s been stabbed so pretty much nothing bothers her.

Suddenly Stinky doesn’t look so comfy and she tells Tugly she thinks Buggy and Schizo will leave. Tugly forcefully says they will not unless they do something and they should start with Buggy!

They stop at a tanning place and the dude tells them they cannot get wet or take a shower for at least 4-6 hours after. They tell him that Buggy doesn’t shower anyway so if she or someone with them comes in, offer her that. And they say this while looking greasy and nasty and, well, like themselves. Cackles all around. Except for the dude who looks like he smells feet, and he probably does.

Once back home I notice that Tugly seems to have a stinky problem of her own.

Ahh back and butt crack sweat. I bet they have to replace the seat in that Jeep.

Later they all get ready to go out to something that Stinky calls the Countryfest to get them some” Brokeback Mountain motherfuckers.”

I’m guessing Stinky hasn’t seen Brokeback Mountain.

Into the limo they go. And all is quiet. For about 2 minutes until The Crimson Chin decides to start making shitty comments and Buggy knows she’s talking about her. When Buggy confronts her, she plays dumb and says ,”Did I ever say the name Jenna?”

No, not to her face. Just all behind her back when you keep talking about getting rid of her ass.

Me and my chin ain’t said nuffin about yoos.

Tugly starts mumbling about how she don’t give a fuck, “I’m being Vanetia and if a motherfucker don’t like it I don’t give a fuck. This is what I do. And I’m here. And what? I’m not here to go home. Yup. Make a scene up in this bitch. Scene, scene, scene,scene,scene!” And she snaps the five “scenes” she yaps out.

They arrive at Stoney’s Rockin’ Country where there is a mechanical bull and writing on the wall that says something about cowboys. Yeeeeeeeeehaww!

Then we see this.

Yes because the only thing country music listeners like more than Boot Scootin’ Boogie is hip-hop!

The Crimson Chin decides there is mad old people there. Don’t worry you’ll never be mad old. You’ll die mad young. One of the other whiners says she isn’t into this place but they decide to have a drink anyway.

Buggy and Schizo are all happy and having fun and don’t give a shit what music is playing they are gonna dance and go yeehaw! Buggy spots a dude. And she goes after him. She tells him she just wants to live her life in Las Vegas and it’s really hard. She tells him she loves lakes and rocks and she is so in to geology and he says………

No I’m thinking she’s pretty much talking about the little rocks you put into aquariums.

She has also backpacked in Spain and swam out to castles made of sand. What the fuck is this bitch drinking cause I want some now!

Over on the bitchy side we see some dude dancing near Gabi and she jumps in front of him, throws her hand up and actually waves his ass away.

The Troll Patrol is on full alert.

What a bitch. Meanwhile Buggy is dancing with her dude when one of the trolls says this..

Yeah the only thing they like better is sweaty ass.

Why can’t these bitches find dudes of their own instead of just being miserable? Hahahahahahaa, sorry I forgot what I was recapping. Ok so Dani starts yelling Broccoli and then she tells us that Buggy looks stupid right now and if she wants to get some dick then get some but they are just looking at these two douche bags and going come on, give me a break. Apparently Schizo has snagged a dude too. Uhhh he looks like a crackhead Prince Harry if he was 50 years old so, gross.

His name is Brooks and Buggy’s dudes name is Brad. Buggy invites them back to the house to “just hang.” Meanwhile everyone, including Schizo goes out to the limo, except for Buggy. She’s still in the bar running her mouth while the other 6 are ready to leave. And they are getting pissed.

Buggy realizes she doesn’t even know their phone number back at the house and opens the limo door to ask them. She is not met with delight. Dani starts yelling lets go! Even Mimi is pissed because the girls should come before any penis you bring in here. Make up your own joke with that one.

In the end, Buggy decides to take a cab with the guys and the limo takes the girls home. Gotta say, not Buggy’s best move. If there are 7 of you and 6 of you are wanting to leave, LEAVE.

By the way…

Look y’all! Ailea from Season 3 got a job! Yay!

Some of you will get that and some might have to take a look back. It gave me a chuckle anyway.

OK back at the house Dani is bitching about Buggy choosing dick over the girls. Schizo tells her she can’t get mad and Dani says she can get mad at anythiing she wants to.

Buggy comes home with Brad and Brooks. Dani is now upstairs and getting into bed and she says that the dude is a tool and he’s only using Buggy. Yes so unlike all the other guys you’ve met and banged on the first night. Shut up and slap your apple.

Downstairs Schizo’s “friend” the ginger, hobo, Opie looking dude is for some reason washing dishes.

So people, prepare yourselves, I give you……..Brooks………

Poor thing is so used to washing dishes at the shelter he just couldn’t help himself.

Ok seriously, I don’t wash dishes at MY house, why would I wash anyone elses??? Ohhhhhhh nevermind, he thinks he’s getting laid.

LOL ok when Schizo brings it to his attention he tells her that obviously they don’t wash dishes so he feels he should. Ha I’m starting to like his craggly faced ass.

Upstairs the twits are getting pissed because they can’t sleep.

Even Brad is cleaning. Brad is Buggy’s boy. The girls want them to stop and play with them but the boys seem to not be able to stop themselves.

In confessional, Schizo tells Hobo Boy that cleaning is not her thing and he explains that he was bored and saw the pile of dishes and did what he had to do.

You should both keep your eyes closed. It’ll be better that way.

Upstairs no one is sleeping and downstairs they are loud and wearing feather things on their heads and generally oblivious to anyone else in the house. Gabi tells Dani to yell at them to shut the fuck up. Dani puts on some undies and goes to yell down the stairs. She yells down at them to take it down a notch, or 3 or 4. The boys just laugh and Brad says the loud boys cleaned and Schizo starts clapping. Dani finally comes downstairs and says they are going night can they take it down 7 notches. Brad responds….

At your house.

Brad then says where can they go where they won’t bother them and Dani says the spa room. He apologizes for waking her. Then they get continuously louder and are in and out of the hot tub. Drinking. A LOT. Going back into the kitchen. Then Buggy and her dude try to get it on in a bathroom and end up falling through a shower curtain.

When you are to drunk to fuck, time to go to sleep.

Upstairs the bitches are brewing and at this point I do not blame them. Oh hell Tugly decides it’s time to do something because Buggy is being “hella disrespectful”. Downstairs she goes and tells Buggy to shut her dude up, shut the fuck up shut him up! Buggy at first is all ok ok. Then Dani joins in and she starts yelling too. She tells them she has asked them several times to be quiet.

Buggy on the other hand seems to be under the impression that they were making the “miniscule amount of noise” and the girls are just being an embarrassment. Okie dokie.

Suddenly Mimi is awake and she is pissed off. She gets in Buggy’s face and tells her it is 3:30 and they need to go. Brad keeps apologizing which at this point seems just stupid. Go home.

Next Buggy is in Tugly’s face and tells her when she has a guy over she’s gonna knock them all down. Meanwhile, Brooks and Done are about to cry.

I wish we had us a horse so’s we cud ride off into the suns..rise.

Since Buggy and Tugly are talking at the same time I don’t hear why Tugly announces that she lives in mansions and has black cards all the time. But it seems that Tugly made a comment about fucking Buggy’s boyfriend and Schizo made the mistake of saying she’d be in a phone booth because she doesn’t want to hear that shit. For some reason Buggy takes this as Schizo turning on her.

So you wouldn’t throw yourself in between my boyfriend’s winkie and this bitch’s hoohoo to keep them from fornicating? YOU TRAITOR!!!

Buggy announces that she just cannot deal with all this psychoticness. Her word, not mine. Schizo is very confused and asks what did she do? The others tell Buggy to go ahead and turn on your ONE friend in the house. And she does. Schizo tells us she wouldn’t normally agree with the Troll Patrol but Buggy is being rude and out of control. And she is.

Mimi, the twits, Stinky and Tugly take this moment to try to cement the wedge between Schizo and  Buggy. Suddenly Schizo is yelling “Get the fuck out!” Tugly has one of the boys shoes and is yelling “Follow yo sneakers dude.”  At one point the Hobo Dude and Schizo and Buggy are all tied up then Hobo Boy goes and yells at the other dude to get his shit because they are leaving. So soon???

Tugly throws Buggy’s dude’s shoes out the door and Buggy loses it and goes after whoever she can find.

Ima fuck you bitches up!

Schizo jumps in between to stop Buggy from being killed. My husband just woke up and I had it paused on Buggy and he looked up and said eeeeeeeew. He wanted to know wtf is that? As I tried to explain he said she looks like Fonzie’s kid. As he was just waking up and wasn’t even born when Fonzie was aired I was like huh? He said cover up her boobs and she looks like a Winkler kid.

Ok he’s off to wash his balls so we shall continue. Ha! Security escorts the two dudes out as the Troll Patrol looks on and laughs.

Man I hate to side with them.

The fighting continues as my patience is wearing seriously thin. Mimi is telling Buggy she doesn’t care how many times she apologizes she’s wrong. And she is. This just keeps escalating until once again Schizo is having to try to protect Buggy from herself.

Just let her ass go. Damn I think she’s earned an ass whooping.

Suddenly after kicking walls and shit, Buggy breaks free and rushes the other girls. Schizo again, pulls her away to try to keep her from harm, or doing some shit she will get sent home for or whatever. Next up is Stinky who pushes Buggy away and screaming commences. Schizo still is trying to hold her ass back and then she throws a wine glass. Schizo finally decides it’s not worth it and lets the bitch loose. The first thing she does is throws a lamp to the floor. Security rushes in and grabs her ass. She is sent to a hotel but to hear her tell it she GOES to a hotel because she has 4 people trying to fight her.

While she is gone, you cannot imagine what occurs.

Wow. Didn’t see that coming.

Then they write stank breath beast on her picture. Schizo and Mimi are outside talking, in daylight no less, and Schizo is still trying to defend Buggy. She thinks she just drank too much. As Mimi tells her if so then she needs to apologize. It’s not an excuse to be a loud obnoxious bitch. Well for me it is but no one else! Schizo finally seems to get it but it has upset the hell out of her. And it shows when she goes to confessional. She says she feels like everyone just needs a hug.

And some serious moisturizer.

Outside the confessional Stinky hears her and just looks disgusted. Schizo meanwhile is still talking about hugs until she realizes she has an itch on her foot. And then this..

I see medication in her near future.

Again someone outside the confessional hears her laughing.

Oh look! Carrot Top!

Inside the confessional Schizo is still laughing hysterically and snorting and then she decides she needs to go to bed. Good idea. The scary and funny part of this is that I have had moments like this. One just a couple of weeks ago. I call it Slap Happy!

Anyway downstairs Gabi calls Dear Ole Daddy and tells him what went on and he says he would beat her (Buggy’s) ass for that. Gabi tells him they all woke up and went wilding out on her. He asks what “she’s” doing now?

Oh shit……….

She’s home!

Gabi tells her Dad she’s back and runs upstairs to warn the villagers. Buggy just picks her stuff up and says she’ll buy new stuff if need be.

Tugly sweetly tells us that she hasn’t even had time to take a shit and this bitch is back.

Buggy goes into the room of doom and asks for Mimi and Schizo to come see her. Mimi tells her that either they should have gone to bed or he should have left. Buggy still doesn’t seem to get it and thinks they should have left them alone and just “let it happen”. Mimi tells her at this point there is nothing she can say to justify what she did to their house.

Buggy says she cares about Mimi and Schizo and she didn’t mean for all that to happen blah blah blah. Schizo tells them they need to hug. Then Schizo tells us that she’s not the type of person to forgive, she’ll just forget and from now on Buggy’s on her own.

Meanwhile Buggy goes downstairs and starts cleaning up some of the shit she trashed. While Stinky is happy that she is cleaning she can’t deal with her “whackness.”

Mimi and Schizo are about to go out when Mimi notices Buggy writing on the other girls pictures. NO! Where would she get an idea like that?

Mimi and Schizo go off to bond and back at home the girls discover that Buggy has defaced their pictures.

The bitches realize their pictures were written on and have a fit. On Tugly’s she wrote that she fucks for money. To that Tugly says,”That’s right, my cat got stacks.” For the love of vodka can this episode end PLEASE?

Tugly informs us that Buggy had the “audacity to write on my beautiful portrait.” I have a couple of problems with that statement but I’m sure you all already know what they are. Tugly starts yelling about how she walks around with ballers bitch. As she is tugging and huffing and puffing to help get the mattress out of Buggy’s room, she is ranting that she fucks people for money, American Express, Black Cards…….someone please shoot me. Downstairs she and Gabi go where they are joined by the rest of the girls and Tugly is so happy because she knows it will tick Buggy off and she will go into attack mode and then they can beat her ass and she will go home! Flawless plan. Didn’t work the first time but whatever. Maybe second time’s the charm.

 Never seen that before either. Where do they get these ideas?

So Buggy, who was taking a shower, comes out and realizes her bed is gone. She goes to the bitches and asks who took her bed and all Tugly can say is don’t touch my shit. “Nobody touches my shit.” SERIOUSLY?

Everyone denies it until Gabi actually explains that they only took her mattress, no biggie.

Why does she get more unattractive by the episode?

Gabi tells her that she can still see her mattress and the others giggle. Buggy tells them to put it back and when they refuse she decides to go after their shit. They all run into the hallway where Tugly puts a doo-rag on her nasty ass head and says she’s gonna punch the bitch out. Buggy tells her they are not gonna get a reaction out of her and then they tell her she can sleep on her mattress in the pool and her weave is at the bottom. They get a reaction.

Buggy jumps at their asses and production breaks it up. Buggy goes and throws some shit off someones dresser. Then she takes her ass to confessional to complain about these bitches and they take the opportunity to throw the rest of her shit off the balcony.

When she hears this she goes out and grabs a pool ball and throws it at them! Hahahahahaha! A security dude grabs her screaming no no no. All of the bad ass bitches start screaming for them to get her the fuck out. They hold her, for about 2 seconds and suddenly she’s up the stairs. ALL of the girls decide it’s time for their hair to be put in a bun. I’m not kidding they all do it.

You know your ass is a thug when you have sense enough to put your hair up before you fight.

Seriously, when I’ve ever been in that position I never had time to think about putting my hair up, taking off earrings and shoes, it was just a fight. Of course the last time it happened was with my disgusting sorry ass ex husband but this knowledge would have been handy at the time. He still has a bald spot to this day.

Dani I think keeps telling security to let her go. Meaning Buggy. Then she says she can’t believe she tried to act like her purse was real, to Google it, it costs $10. Again with the purse.

Then Tugly tells her she’s leaving in a body bag and this bitch (Buggy) literally leaps from the security dudes arms and goes after Miss Crimson Chin 2012.

When you can’t back up your shit, hit a bitch with a shoe.

This turns into a free for all with production all over and when the dude has Buggy held in his arms the Twit Twins are attacking her from the front and back.

That’s a girl. Hit her when she’s being held down.

The only two I can seem to tolerate right now is Schizo and Mimi. I don’t like Buggy but I hate the Troll Patrol.  My DemonVR cut off at this point so if anything happened after that, you guys have to fill me in.

Until next week,

Love and Smooches,

Cherie

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