Bad Girls Club Recap:Keeping It Fug

I am ashamed to admit this but since last week was a repeat I actually started missing my girls………

I spoke too soon.

This face was in response to Shitty telling Mort that she and Nasti were making a day of it. Mort could give “two shits” about it but tells us in her purple hideous Prom dress that seems to be her only confessional outfit that Nasti is using Shitty and that Nasti is a low class cockroach. Does anyone know any high class cockroaches????

Oh and by the way, Mort is just “keeping it 100.” Bite me hemorrhoid face.

Meanwhile Nasti is upstairs telling Bustass (she I actually miss) that Shitty is willing to get rid of Mort if she gets rid of Psycho. Bustass is not happy about that.

Go tell Psycho their plans and let Psycho put a curse on her ass.

She also might kill you in your sleep.

Shitty tells us that when Nasti isn’t doing her bullshit she’s actually fun to be around. And to prove that, Shitty and Nasti go to a dildo, sorry an Adult Toy shop.

That looks more like some place you’d go to to get big poofy diapers for old dudes.

Ok there is some seriously gross shit in this place.

I have no words.

After looking at and squishing different toys, Shitty tells Nasti all about “strap on 101″. She says you always want leather because it’s the softest on the skin. She also says that if your dildo falls off while boinking your girl you have problems. I’m having a big problem not puking right now. Next thing ya know Nasti has what looks like a 3 foot dildo and she’s chasing Shitty with it.

Arrest her ass!!

Later Shitty and Nasti talk about getting rid of Psycho and Mort. Nasti wants Mort gone first and she thinks Psycho will leave on her own. Ha! Psycho has had about 20 breakdowns since coming to the house. I don’t see her leaving now. Not without a straight jacket.

Nasti tells us in confessional that Shitty is just her puppet to get rid of Mort. Whatever. If she can get rid of Mort then more power to her.

Oh Lord, back at the house, Psycho is in confessional and she’s holding a disemboweled MissVooPoo. She tells us she is her bestest friend in all the land. She tells us MisssVooPoo has gotten her through some hard days in the house. All this time she is kissing her.

Poor MissVooPoo

Psycho continues to explain to us that the others do not understand MissVooPoo and they mistreat her. So what does she do? She calls someone who can fix her. And I do not mean a seamstress. She actually calls a voodoo museum. She then approaches Cayenne to go with her. After some hesitation Cayenne agrees. Psycho knows that she is on everyone’s last nerve so she picked Cayenne since she hasn’t offended her yet.

Cayenne tells us she agreed to go because Psycho gets ganged up on a lot.

Awww she’s a regular Saint!

Bustass wants to know where all the unmarried fine men are and according to Mort, it’s at the bowling alley. I have been bowling twice in my life and all I have ever seen is pot bellied old dudes and old ladies with pink balls. NOT FUN. Unless one of them falls.

Bustass tells us that bowling breaks her nails and a broken nail is tacky but she’s desperate and she says it’s the closest thing they will be to balls so she’s going.

Meanwhile Cayenne and Psycho arrive at the voodoo place and this woman appears.

I need her to make a house call. Seriously.

The voodoo woman wants to know what happened to MissVooPoo and Psycho tells her the other bitches in the house were jealous of her and tore her up, hung her from a tree and threw her off a balcony.

The horror!!!!

The voodoo woman is shocked! She lays her hands on MissVooPoo’s belly and proclaims “She will be fine.” Psycho tells her that she wants to bring the others back with her later. Voodooo lady tells her it is very important that she bring as many people as she can that was involved in this tragedy.

Cayenne is freaked out by the place and wants to go get drunk. She and Psycho go to a bar and dance and Cayenne starts hitting on anything in pants.

Depends on how big your penis is.

Over at the bowling alley , Bustass is shaking her ass and making sure she looks good. I think she needs to work on her technique though.

You aren’t shooting hoops dear.

Everyone is cracking up at Bustass and having a good time. Except for Mort of course. As Angie tells us, all she does is bitch and complain. Her ball is too heavy wahhhhhhh. Uh wasn’t this shit YOUR idea? She bitches about having to return her shoes and her ball and wants 10% for it. Nasti tells her she wants 10% of every damn thing. And Nasti is getting pissed.

Back over at Club Sluts, we see this…

Insert snort sound here.

Ha! Just what every man dreams of.

Paul claims that’s fine(bullshit) and Cayenne asks Psycho if it’s ok that she invites him back to the house. Psycho is happy as hell because now she won’t be the only one in the house hooking up.

The others have arrived back home and are talking. Shitty tells us some bullshit about how she and someone else may have done something to Nasti’s contacts and not admitting it but she feels she should let the small things go and concentrate on the big things. In other words, she’s scared of Nasti.

Nasti suddenly announces that whoever has been messing with her shit better get ready for an ass whooping.

Live in fear bitch.

Paul arrives at the house and of course Mort has to run to confessional and pass judgement. She is all, “Who is this kid?” Why is it your business skank?

Oh for fucksake get a new dress!

Upstairs Psycho tells Paul and cayenne they look like they belong together. Then she says goodnight and leaves them alone. Paul asks Cayenne what she wants to do and she says, “Go to bed.” And they do. Then we see this……..

Because “just cuddling” is much easier without your bra.

Of course we get to hear moaning noises as they “cuddle.”

Oh hell, the next morning we get to see Paul’s piece of shit car.

That looks like a serial killer’s car.

After Paul leaves Cayenne tells us that they had fun but it’s not gonna be a crazy in love future. There’s a shocker.

Upstairs Angie is telling Bustass about Shitty fucking up Nasti’s contacts. Bustass is about to literally bust ass and knows she needs to tell Nasti but is gonna wait for the right time. Good luck with that.

Psycho pulls Cayenne aside and tells her she is going to get everyone to go to the voodoo place by telling the others that voodoo lady said for there to be harmony they ALL have to go. In other words, the editors saw the priceless chance for some hilarious footage and will make them go.

Upstairs she goes to tell the others and she also says she is Creole and Catholic but doesn’t know a lot about voodoo. Nasti is rolling her eyes and says this stuff freaks her out. Shitty claims she’s gonna laugh in the woman’s face.

I’m Creole and Cuckooooooooooooooo!

Shitty tells us no one gives a damn about this doll or wants to go but to keep the peace, and because she’s a little interested, they will go.She says she gives it “literally about 10 days before it’s destroyed again.” Shut up Shitty.

Before they go Bustass calls her Grandma so she can say a prayer over she and Nasti to keep them safe from voodoo lady’s devilry.

Get behind thy weave Satan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When they get to the voodoo place the voodoo lady is throwing something in the air and a dude with her is drinking water through a scarf tied around his face AND SPITTING IT THROUGH THE SCARF!!!

What.The.FUCK.

As Psycho points out, the other girls are freaked out and she is grinning  ear to ear.Psycho tells us that they thought they could mess with MissVooPoo and get away with it BUT hell NO! LOL she is seriously cracked.

Voodoo lady offers the girls water because she knows they have been in the hot sun.

I would so NOT drink that lol.

Everyone is all “thank you” in these scared little voices. Voodoo Lady asks them to open the water and drink to good health, youth, vitality and strength. She then asks Mort to please drink her water. Mort is all, “I’m ok.”

I want my MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!

Voodoo Lady tells Mort to please drink because it is hot in there and she doesn’t want her to “pass.” LOLOLOL!!! Mort still refuses. Voodoo Lady then thanks them for coming to witness the “birth of the baby.” She then tells them that music will begin and they will dance. Shitty automatically says no. Shitty tells us that the lady has to be Psycho’s actual mother. She doesn’t however call her crazy or laugh in her face. Voodoo Lady starts clapping and dancing and asking the others to follow along. Again Shitty and Mort refuse and look terrified.

Come on Voodoo Lady, throw some blood on them!

And then we have the “birth” of MissVooPoo. Basically she pulled it out of a pillowcase covered in hay. Psycho grins and says, “You fixed it!”

As Voodoo Lady hands the “baby” over, Shitty asks if she has the strength not to show her chacha? now. The voodoo lady says “Yes her ass has been covered.” I think Shitty meant Psycho but ok.

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Mort rolls her eyes and the girls scatter like flies.

The girls arrive back home to find a cargo box in the back yard.

I’m sure it’s just their monthly supply of Valtrex.

Nope. It’s a box full of sand with a note saying they are going to Barbados!! Yay!!!

The girls start screaming and jumping up and down. They get packed and hop on a plane and arrive in Barbados to scream some more about their hotel. I’m looking at the scenery and getting a bit jealous because I am sitting here with a hacking cough wishing I was dead and these twits get to go to Barbados because they get drunk and fight. I can do that! Send me to Barbados!!!!

After a trip to the pool Nasti explains to Psycho that she is not sharing a bed with her because Psycho snores and slobbers and she just isn’t cool with that. Psycho is like, who is gonna be sleeping anyway? They are in Barbados!!!!

Night falls and the twits head out to a club. Once there Mort acts like she has a stick up her ass. She doesn’t know if she should drink and sits down. Then she says that this is not a crazy club. That reggae is chill and this is a chill spot.What the hell ever that means.

But you are a crazy bitch.

Cayenne calls her on being the only one sitting down and Mort claims it’s because she is wearing high heels. Cayenne says……

Busted!

As you can see Nasti is fed up with Mort’s bitching and wishes she’d shut up or go home. I’m wishing for both.

The next day Mort tells us they are going on a boat. Naturally Mort is super excited because she’s thinks they are going to be “popping bottles off a yacht.”

Guess again bitch!

LOLOLOL it’s a pirate ship. And Mort is mortified. Everyone else has a blast except PoopyFace.

Cheers and all but put that big ass crack away Nasti!

Bustass even manages to molest the Captain.

Gotta love her!

They start doing body shots and of course this one is embarrassed.

Gotta hate her.

Mort expected to be “red carpeted up to a yacht and pop bottles” . SURPRISE BITCH!

When they dock, Psycho is all bummed but then finds out they are going to another bar for food and more booze. Yay!

While there a dude comes out with a shot for Psycho and everyone, especially Nasti starts screaming for him not to give it to Psycho. It’s 150 proof rum. Psycho ends up drinking 2 of them and Nasti is pissed because she knows how Psycho gets. Psycho just laughs and as the twits all leave the table she screams at the crowd that they are in Barbados, aren’t they supposed to get drunk? The crowd yells yes.

In the van back to the hotel Nasti disagrees. Nasti starts yelling that she is “Judi drunk.” Psycho wants to know why it’s always her. They start yelling and Nasti threatens to “sock” her. Psycho claims that this “is the Judi Show.” Nasti says it’s been canceled because she is no longer participating and leaves Psycho teary eyed in the van.

Later Bustass asks Psycho what’s wrong with her leg. She was apparently drunk shaving.

Never drink and shave!

Nasti starts talking about Psycho’s ass hanging out and she looks a mess. Bustass tells us whenever you see Psycho you will also be seeing her two flabby ass cheeks.

They head out for the night and everyone is dancing but Psycho always takes it to another level.

I believe she’s having a pelvic exam right there on the dance floor.

Shitty tells the others that for Halloween she’s gonna be Psycho because it’s the cheapest costume ever.

She has a point.

The next day they head to the beach where Bustass screams and runs from a crab and tries to learn surf. Sort of. She claims she’s trying not to drown and or get her hair wet lol. God Bless her!

Later they decide to go to a “proper” place to eat since Mort is so obsessed with being classy. Psycho didn’t get that memo because she’s wearing this..

Well it’s classy for her.

Once at the place Mort brags about being rich enough to come to places like this and then complains about her food. Nasti is getting more and more pissed. When in the van going home you hear a glass break. Psycho dropped her drink. She doesn’t care and thinks it’s no big deal but the others are pissed and Nasti is embarrassed. They argue of course and Psycho ends up alone, drinking.

The next morning they head back to New Orleans. When in the car leaving the airport to go back to the house, Mort says they really should have flown through Dallas because Dallas doesn’t get as many  foreigners. Nasti looks like she’s going to explode and tells us she isn’t living the last of her days dealing with Mort or Psycho’s bullshit. She stomps into the house with a purpose.

Then she tells Mort not to bring her bag in because she is leaving. She tells her to go pack the rest of her shit. Mort just laughs and says ok. Nasti assures her she is serious. Her next target is Psycho. She tells her the same thing. Psycho starts crying and begs for another chance. Mort however decides Nasti isn’t the boss of her and they go back and forth. Nasti decides she is going to pack Morts shit and they start pushing at each other. Mort won’t get out of Nasti’s way and Nasti grabs her by the arms and says she’s gonna sling her ass and Mort scratches Nasti in the face.

Oh hell no.

Nasti realizes what just happened and completely loses her shit and starts pounding the crap out of Mort. Her boobs fly out to help her.

That girls gonna have a serious headache.

Until next time,

Love & Smooches,

Cherie

 

 

.