Bad Girls Club: Smashing Pumpkin

***Cherie started this one and was stopped by a blizzard so Flipit took over. Welcome to a new season!!

Sheeesh it seems like just yesterday I was finishing the reunion of season 5 and yet here we are again. These bitches are like roaches. Or crabs. RoachCrabs.
As usual we start off in the middle of some shit that has already gone on 2 weeks before. Guess what? Cherie don’t play that no more. Yes I am speaking in the obnoxious third person but if you had just had your nipple crushed between two pieces of firewood because a stray southern blizzard has blown your life to hell, you’d be a little obnoxious too. More on NippleGate 2011 later. Let’s meet these bitches.

Double woof.

The first dog up is Jessica and she claims to have a lot of mouth. All I see is a lot of ugly. She’s 22 and from Chicago, Illinois. She’s the first one to arrive at the house and immediately starts yelling “What? What?” Yes the house is nice. Believe me it won’t be for long.
She can’t believe this is “like my crib, like I mean my hands get all sweaty, I am stoked.” Kill me now.
There is a pool table, giant tub, pool, the usual. Then she finds a bed that I am sure was color coded to match all their cooters.

Cooter Color by Martha Stewart.

Dingbat also finds a gym and then after getting all excited cannot figure out how to get the treadmill on. Then she finds her ugly ass picture on the wall and mumbles some shit about being fine. She’s half Sicilian and half Mexican and all fugly.
Twit number two tells us that everyone is going to think she’s fake and plastic. Ya know why?

Because it’s true.

This is Kori and she is 21 from Phoenix, Arizona. They have labeled her the Botox Barbie. You have got to be kidding me. Who the hell needs botox at 21?? I am going to jump off a cliff.
She tells us she likes to show off her body and she did a spread in Playboy. She sees herself starting a lot of fights and drama. I see you crying a lot.
She comes through the front door yelling for other bitches. Jessica also known as Woof Woof greets her and screams and they run through the house like fat kids at a candy factory.
Kori tells us she is a girly girl and Woof Woof just isn’t. Woof Woof shows Kori that they have a toilet for when she needs to make her doodie and a ” bombay” to wash your cooter……………………….give me a sec, waiting for head to explode.
Almost, but not quite. Turns out Kori is the only blonde. How the hell did that happen?
They then discuss the fact that Kori has all kinds of implants, injections and huge tits, and that Woof Woof has tiny titties and doesn’t wear a bra. They decide opposites attract. Good luck with that shit.
They bust open the booze and try and figure out where the others are. Then they give up and go the fuck out. So much for bonding.
Ok here comes certifiable nutjob number one. She claims that she’s a fighter but if she’s sober she’ll fight if she has to but if she’s drunk she’s willing to fight whoever. So basically, she fights all the time.

Won’t last two episodes.

Nutjob’s name is Jade and she is 22 from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. They call her the “Party Diva”. Her big thing is tanning……………………..partying,shopping and being herself. It’s a job.
Ok I just have to put this out there, this girl is obviously mixed race and has a BUILT IN TAN so it would kind of be like me saying I am trying to gain weight. Anyway, she stomps into the empty house yelling hello to no avail until she finds her very bestest friend in all the world.

Looks like someone has been practicing.

Jade tells us that this just might be the Jade Show and she will NOT let any of these bitches push her out of this house. I retract my earlier statement, she’ll be a goner day one.
Number three rolls in and looks like Carrot Top’s sister. She tells us she has heard it all before about how she is a slut, a whore and she fucks around. Well that saves me some time. Uh oh, if anyone has harsh words for her, prepare to get your ass beat!

Beet Head!

Seriously she looks like she was thrown into a vat of boiling beets. I am jumping to the conclusion that beet red is not her natural color but if it was could you imagine the look on whatever drunk unfortunate bastard pulled her panties off? It’d be like some miniature Carrot Top clown and frightening as all hell.
Her name is Sydney and she is 21 from Dallas, Texas. They have dubbed her the “Sexy Siren”……………….ya know why??? Because she is bisexual and will fuck anything that moves and the dudes who get to name these girls are whacking off right now just thinking about two girls together. You know who you are and you should stop that or you’ll go blind, or grow hair on your palms.
She claims she is open to anything but she is like a bumble bee, cute to look at but if you fuck with her she’ll sting. Yeah well I am mean as hell and will swat your ass with a shoe.
She enters the house to find Jade (Psycho) and they bond immediately. Beet Head and Psycho decide to be besties and go outside to smoke and drink and talk really really fast. Psycho starts off with “Iwouldratherifyoueverhaveaproblemwithmetellmedon’ttelleverybodyelsebecause…………………….
In other words don’t talk shit about her behind her back even though you can guarantee she will be talking shit behind yours.
On to other jibberish. In the limo, Woof Woof is trying to tell Kori how to say “Eat my goodies” (I think) in another language. Oh Lord, Botox Barbie takes this moment to explain that her boyfriend is also her hair dresser. (Insert snickers here)
Woof Woof asks the obvious, “is he gay?” and BB says no but he does kiss his male friends on the mouth all the time…………………….second near explosion of head.
Back at the house we have another arrival. This one claims she’s extremely gifted in picking out people’s weak points if you just pay attention. This c’s name is Lauren and she is from Lexington, Kentucky.

Let me pick out yours, thin lips, fat neck and lop sided eyes. Oh and you look like something a horse shit out.

Damn, that shit works. I only had to listen to a couple of paragraphs of this twits rantings and I broke the code!!!!

****BREAK. Hey. Flipit here. Cherie’s power has been killed due to some snowstorm or something, so I’m filling in for the rest of this recap so we can get er done. I haven’t pressed play yet, but I did read the above partial recap and am pretty horrified. Let’s do this.

My first thought is that these girls are super young and super comfortable referring to themselves and each other as bitches and hos. The first thing I would do if I was in that house is whip out Scrabble and try to passively aggressively teach them new words. The first one I’d try to make is “bidet”. Bombay has never been known for cleaning vaginas.

I press play with Barbie and Chola in the limo. Chola is teaching Barbie Spanish, cuz you know her ass will marry middle class and get herself a maid. Unfortunately, the world has changed. You don’t just smuggle some toothless old woman over the border and stick a mop in her hand any more. These days we all use Molly Maid. And they know English. Even if they like to pretend they don’t. So save your breath.

Barbie says her current f buddy is her hairdresser. Well he’s not doing her any favors in the weave department. She looks like a broom. If you’re gonna date someone for shallow services, get yourself a wattle fixer or something. They might not be famous for their sexual prowess, but you’d stop yourself from getting stuck in shots like this one:

It only goes downhill from your twenties, sugar. Marry young.

 

Chola is kinda grossed out cuz the guy is probably gay. He kisses his guy friends on the lips and stuff. Well yeah, that’s pretty gay. But coming from a girl that’s dykier than a levee the comment seems a little ridonk. The girls kiss on the lips, too, and yeah. Still pretty gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. If anything, I worry that Barbie might infect the gay community with bad facial work.

Oh damn. THIS is where I should have started recapping. I apologize for the past three paragraphs. Now for the Kentucky girl. She is crosseyed in that cute Cabbage Patch Doll way, and she says that you can pick out people’s insecurities in the five first minutes. So she watches Oprah, I see. I’m gonna bet she skips the Book Club episodes. Lauren is like twenty and already has that waving goodbye underarm jiggle. She needs to stop concentrating on other people’s insecurities and get some of her own. In other words, don’t ever lift your arm on TV again. Thnx.

Back home, she’s top dog. I have no doubt that her town would agree that she is, in fact, one of the biggest dogs around. She’s excited to have the chance to run with other bad girls. I’m excited at the prospect of seeing you run too. I doubt it will happen in your lifetime.

Run, Forrest! RUUUUN!

Lauren, or Whoren if you will, joins Thug and Ronald McDonald inside to make fun of the girls that aren’t there. Thug says that Chola looks like a cholo. That’s mean! Somehow it seemed ok when I said it. That’s called hypocrisy. It’s a way of life. They agree that they hate Chola but like Barbie’s big fake boobs and get on to important things. Getting wasted.

Chola and Barbie arrive at some classy joint and Barbie bounds out of the car squealing “BAD GIRLS CLUB WOOOOOOO!” This show makes me feel psychic. I can see Barbie in five years with meth head mush face and a little underfed baby under her arm begging for change. For now, though, let’s drink. WOOOOOOOOOO! One thing I will say about these two: they know how to get free drinks at a skanky bar. Lez dancing. Works. Every. Time. I was offered a Capital One credit card in the mail and wrote back “could you plz send me a vagina instead? They seem to get people more free shit than your wack rewards points system.”

Char arrives at the now empty house and says she’s like a hurricane. A very lonely, sad hurricane who will be drinking alone and lesbian dancing in the living room until her roomies come home. Sad horns. She’s not too cute, either, but at least she knows it. She’s wearing a chain around her neck to make it easier for the other girls to clip a leash to her and walk her around the block.

She’s twenty seven. Old lady alert! She works as a marketing exec and refers to herself as Chief Executive Bitch. “I only do me! If you wanna do me then jump on this bandwagon cuz we’re all doing me!” I can smell her rotting vagina from here. Where do they find this trash? Everyone doing you at once is not an image I need in my innocent, sweet little head. I’d like to introduce you to my friend, Jesus Christ. You two really need to have a sit down. Wait a min. His best friend was a ho. You’re no help, J! Sorry. You’re on you’re own, Char. Get some seran wrap and all purpose bleach cleaner ready. It’s gonna be a germy season.

She’s a little too amazed at the rented house. She feels like Little Orphan Annie up in here!

Nikki is next to arrive, and she likes to scare people. Her face does most of the work for her. She looks like a burn victim with an entire face grafted on. No offense to burn victims.

Well done. I’m scared.

She’s a football player and proud douchebag. The unfortunate thing about slang is that all these girls think douchebags are just idiot guys instead of helpful products that could clean up down there a bit. Urban slang is ruining women’s health.

Char squeals when she meets Nikki, happy to find someone that makes her look petit. Char worries that Probably Has a Dickie is too butch. Dickie, though, isn’t worried about anything. She’ll have plenty to play with in this house.

I predict Chola’s neck will break out in a yeast infection by morning.

Chola falls off the table. LOL! Then they get kicked out of that Chevy’s, or wherever the hell they are. Are these bitches put up in the Valley or what? Serves them right. Chola doesn’t care. She’s gonna RUN THIS TOWN. She’s gonna SHUT. IT. DOWN! Oh lord. Girl, you have as much a chance of running anything as the fat Kentucky girl has of running around a city block.

Time for all the skanks to meet up. Chola and Barbie come squealing and screaming into the house. They take shots. Unfortunately, they’re not from a doctor. Chola screams about liking girls who eat her gina. Lord. You know, if I was set to get an inheritance, I would send one episode of this show to my Meemaw and just wait patiently for her to have a fucking heart attack.

Meanwhile, the other girls are at a bar called Budoir. Thank God Barbie’s not here. She’s think it was another fancy word for bidet and start spraying her coochie with the juice gun. Ronald McDonald brings over some “hot bitches”, and Thug Jade immediately tells the hot bitches off and makes Ronald leave. Oh no. Don’t try and come between a lesbian and a hot bitch. You’ll lose a finger. After slamming the doorman into a wall and begging him to f her, Thug is dragged into the limo to go home. She’s wasted. Almost as much as her father’s sperm. Is she ok?

Finally, something you can bond with Cuntucky about.

Barbie calls her hairdresser f and he’s hanging out with her ex boyfriend. She gets pissed and hangs up on him so he can get back to fellatin. Dickie decides to call Gay Boyfriend to let him know that he shouldn’t be dissin her girl. He’s amused, but not scared. Video phones aren’t the norm yet, otherwise he would have seen that thigh and screamed like a little bitch.

Damn you editors! How the hell are we supposed to spot a peen on Probably Has a Dickie if you keep whipping out your blur function?

Dickie is already trying to form an alliance to take on the other bitches, but Old Lady Char insists that they’ll all be friends. LOL, Old Lady! I hope she didn’t bring knitting needles with her stupid ass. She’ll lose an eye in this house. The limo comes back home with Ronald McDonald, Thug, and Cuntucky. The house is too big for Thug to find the bathroom. After telling us how she’ll pee anywhere and has peed on a red carpet outside a club, she tells Dickie that her name is “out of my way.” HA. Dickie shouts her to the bathroom, telling her off for being a drunk bitch. She just keeps saying “bro” a lot. And then it’s on.

She and Thug start pushing each other around, and then Chola takes Dickie’s place. Lots of hand waving and shouting about nothing. This show is retarded, and I have added it to my DVR forever. Poor Thug just looks confused by it all. Totally get where you’re coming from, and I’m only a little drunk. The three push each other a lot, which seems to be a thin excuse to grab each others boobs. Ah, youth. In your thirties you just walk up to people and grab their boobs. No violence necessary.

Well if a pumpkin wants to lick my vag then it’s welcome to that’s how I roll.

Old Lady and Barbie go with Cuntucky down to the hot tub. Old Lady hates fighting but is gonna kick everyone’s ass. Upstairs, Dickie bitches about Thug Jade, and Thug Jade just wanders around confusedly like Whitney looking for her car keys or some shit. It’s sad. And wonderful.

WhatsIdoinondancinwthestarz?

 

Meanwhile, the lesbians bond. I’m glad to see youth embrace homosexuality like it’s no big deal, but I’d appreciate it if we could keep some stereotypes alive for the sake of keeping society going. Dykes shouldn’t be in short shorts slutting it around like the rest of America. What the hell is softball supposed to do now? Just curl up and die?

Thug Jade is now in a closet drunkenly screaming “I have to pee! Where’s the bathroom!” HAHAHAHAHAH. Old Lady comes up to meet her and tell her to take deep breffs. Thug cries and slurs and Old Lady shows her to the bathroom. Ronald and Old Lady take Thug to the hottub, which is a mistake cuz she immediately breaks a glass into it. No one seems to mind. What’s a few bloody gashes to a few bloody gashes?

The girls worry that Cuntucky is too sweet to be here, and then Old Lady, acting like lady of the manor, tells everyone that she’s an executive and “I left my career for this.” You’ve totally proven it. You’re SMART. You left a job to get the chance to ruin your opportunities to ever have a job again. Good job! Ronald doesn’t get what Old Lady is doing here either, but she’d do her.

There’s broken glasses inside at the bar, too, and Chola starts yammering about how she can’t live like a hillbilly. Cuntucky takes offense to that and Chola pushes her forehead. HAHAH. I love how trash is so judgmental of trash. Who’s classier? Cholas or Hillbillies? GO. This could be a future discussion on Meet the Press, so take it seriously.

Old Lady says that everyone is just trying to look like a badass and they all need to calm down. Thank you Old Lady. Murder She Wrote is on. Hurry and go to your room before you miss it. Chola and Cuntucky are still going at it, and Thug Jade is now slurring in the middle of them, confused. It’s fucking hilarious.

Bobby! Where my keyzat?

Slow mo of Chola pulling down Cuntucky’s dress and throwing her to the ground. Cuntucky is sad. “I’ve never had a problem with her!” In this whole hour you’ve known her? Chola tells us she’s gonna beat Cuntucky’s ass, and Thug is on the phone screaming “bitch” and “I’ll kill you” and “I don’t give a fuck”. The other girls decide that it’s time for her to go, so they throw her sturdy suitcase down the driveway and call her Pumpkin. Sorry that name’s already taken. In the end though, it’s all gonna be ok, I’m sure of it.

They’re so cute when they’re passed out from alcohol poisoning. AW.

The next morning, Cuntucky says that she vaguely remembers someone pulling her hair but she’s not very well informed. That’s one way to put it. Dumbass is another way. I wish Chola would pull her hair again so she wouldn’t feel so left in the dark. Old Lady is showing off her cottage cheese ass to Dickie and Chola and trying to prove that she can make her ass clap. Seals clap, and no one wants to fuck them either. Sit down.

She gets offended that the girls are making fun of her, but I think after that they were being tame. I would offer to serve her ass with a side of fruit as a diet plate. Dickie calls her dad and tells us that she’s her dad’s son. She tells him that she’s been pushed around, and he advises her to beat whoever messed with her up. It’s good to know that not only the youth of this country is hopeless. I felt like the older generation was being left out. We all suck. Yay. ?

Jade, still confused, wonders why everyone hates her. HHHHHAAAAAA. Ronald tells her it’s cuz she acted like a dick, but Thug doesn’t remember that. The girls discover barf in the bedroom and Thug discovers her suitcase in the bushes. Chola and Thug start calling each other weak ass bitches and then Dickie and Thug push each other around some more. Thug says people are just jealous of her. That’s what you say when you are out of reasons for being an asshole. I’m jealous of her, but only cuz she’s close enough to herself to smack her face. Dickie won’t let up. She’s as aggro as possible to try and get Thug mad enough to hit her. Apparently, pulling hair and pushing aren’t against the rules but smacking is. So it’s like a relationship.

Old Lady warns Barbie and Cuntucky against provoking a crazy person. Don’t you have some applesauce to eat? STFU. Upstairs, Thug cries cuz she thought she was gonna be way more fabulous than this on TV and she just wants to go home. She calls her mom sobbing and her mom tells her to hang on! Persevere, honey! Ah, moms. Always there to help guide their mistakes onto bigger mistakes. I wish it was mothers day so I could call my mom a few times to hang up on her ass.

Dickie throws Barbie’s shoes in the pool cuz she likes “pranks”. Barbie should get into pranks too and knock Dickie’s grill out with one of those shoes. Dumb ho. Ronald, Cuntucky and Barbie go to eat at a restaurant that says “healthy and fresh” in front. Cuntucky is gonna be so confused in this place. They talk about how Nicki needs to fem up a bit and calm down. That’s totally happening. Back at the house, Thug is packing her shit up. Dickie puts vibrators in all her bags. Way to prank someone. I hate you but I hope you have extremely happy masturbation time. If you wanted to smack her with something scary it should be your own penis, Dickie.

And Thug is out! She doesn’t care that she looks weak, “cuz I’m Jaaaayde!” Well said. Bye bitch. Back in the house, Ronald and Old Lady are complaining that Dickie intimidated Thug out of the house. It’s so not faaaair. Meanwhile, Dickie tells us that she’s a bad bitch and she’s gonna run the house cuz she’s strong and everyone else is weak. Shot of her thick ass jiggling on a treadmill. LOL editors, that makes up for the penis blurring.

Next time, a bunch of young girls drink, beat the shit out of each other, and generally embarrass humanity. YAY!