Bad Girls Club: Talkin’ Smack!

We begin this episode with Kristin returning to the house. She had to go stay at a hotel the night before because she’s allergic to alcohol. When she drinks it she loses her shit.

Little Red Drunken Whore huffed and puffed and opened the door.

Kristin  stomps back into the house and immediately tells us that everyone else in the house is awesome but Dani and Erica are stupid fucking whores. Someone has a hangover.

Please! Just 2 more drinks and I’ll be fine!

Erica has no intention of speaking to Kristin and doesn’t think an apology from her would be worth a shit anyway. Lea keeps going from one to the other and ends up back with Kristin who explains herself. She says that she doesn’t confront Erica when she’s sober because she doesn’t want there to be conflict. Ha! Lea tells her to not act like she likes her when she’s sober and then go batshit crazy on her when she’s plowed.

Later the girls decide to form a bond. Because a new girl is coming. I’m gonna have flashbacks.  Kristin’s bright idea is for all of them to ignore the new girl for an entire day. Lame. How old are these twits?

Off to a club 4 of them go. Kristin, Lea, Esther(woof that girl gets uglier by the week) and Catnip. Kristin announces that she had better get some lesbians tonight or she’s gonna be pissed. It’s lesbo night at the club y’all.

No shit.

Esther tells us that she wants to be around some beautiful women and tonight it’s all about her. And it seems to be. We see scenes of all kinds of girls talking Esther up but no one seems to want anything to do with Kristin and this confuses her.

Back at the house Erica and Dani are talking deep shit. Apparently Dani had a little bout with  cirrhosis. Of the liver. After her Dad died she says she went a little nuts and started doing heroin and did anything and everything to get it.

Great. Now I get to feel guilty about all the rude shit I’m gonna be saying.

She ended up in jail and rehab and she has no regrets because it has made her the person she is today. Ok that’s the most stupid thing I hear people say all the time. “Well if I hadn’t been hit by that truck and lost all my limbs I wouldn’t know how blue the sky really is.” Bite me.

Erica is shocked that Dani did heroin. At her high school they stuck to weed and ecstasy. They had standards.

Oh gag back at Club Lesbo Esther has made a connection. With someone who claims she used to be a cop.

Yeah and I am a bikini model.

Esther keeps saying stupid shit like she loves a woman in uniform and asks her to promise to frisk her. She gets her number and then Esther says to us that there is nothing better than a cute woman with nice boobs and then she says “I am coming Miami. I am coming.” I am going to have to slit my wrists and jab my eyes out.

In the car on the way home Lea says she doesn’t know how she’s gonna go 2 1/2 months without dick. Catnip says she doesn’t plan on fucking anyone here but she’s not making any promises. She says something about if her boyfriend doesn’t come there she’ll bring someone in. She then tells us he’s not exactly a boyfriend. She has a couple. But one she likes in particular.

The next day Esther notices someone is at the door.

Damn Snorgan looks almost nice.

Oops that’s not Snorgan. It’s a mannequin of the new girl. All the girls go running and screaming to the door only to realize it’s a mannequin. Catnip tells us that the girl will be sleeping in her and Kristin’s room so she’d better be pretty or she’ll have to sleep in the pool.

Kristin takes off her V.I.P. tag and then the girls kick the mannequin over and dismember it.

The twits regroup and make sure everyone knows not to speak to the horrible person or make eye contact. Esther wants them to act crazy at her and make bird noises. In other words, just be Esther.

Kristin tells us that she doesn’t want some new girl coming in the house acting all crazy. No, we wouldn’t want that now would we you alcoholic whackado. She proclaims that this is not “her” house, it’s “our” house. Maybe you should have thought about that last week when you were smashing “our” glasses and dishes dingbat.

She has arrived. As she steps out of the limo with a huge foot, she tells us her biggest Bad Girl attribute is that she’s very aggressive. Most amazons are.

She says the bitches better be ready because she knows how to handle herself and she knows how to party.

Maybe her next attribute will be learning to wash her stringy hair.

Oh good grief they call her The Kung Fu Diva. She tells us she has a black belt and will not hesitate to kung fu a bitch.

She tries opening the front door. Locked. The girls scatter and giggle. Then Esther tells us this bitch is huge. Like amazon huge. Yeah I already said that. Kristin thinks she’s a tranny.

She finally walks around back where Catnip is laying, and says hi. Nothing. Kayleigh then says “Oh are we playing a little game here?” She’s quick.

The other girls walk out and Kayleigh tries to shake Lea’s hand. Denied. The others ignore her as well and she tells them she’s going to be living there so they might as well get this out of the way. Still nothing.

She goes in the house and heads straight for the booze. When the others are in the refrigerator we see a box of beer that says NOT YOU NEWBIE so Kayleigh goes right in and grabs one. Turns out it’s Dani’s beer. Wait, I thought she said she was clean because of the cirrhosis thing?  Whatever.

Lea says she better be glad its not her beer. Then they claim she probably has herpes and she agrees that she does. Upstairs she goes where she finds Erica and Erica actually speaks to her. This cause Kayleigh to decide that Erica is weak. She covers for her though and tells the others that Erica wasn’t talking to her, she was talking to Erica.

Big mistake.

Finally this stupid shit comes to an end and Lea goes outside and tells her it’s over and asks if she would like to come drink with them. She says she would love to. And they introduce themselves all sweet like.

I can feel my migraine coming back.

Suddenly everyone is all “Nice to meet you.” I smell a rat. Or Esther. Aha! It seems the girls have come up with, “The Plan”. The plan is to keep doing shots with her and all the while they will be doing water shots while getting her completely wasted. Genius!

It does work though. Kayleigh tells us “Mama has had a little much too drink.” She then announces that she doesn’t have a boyfriend because she can’t find enough of a loser to date her. Outside she attempts to ask Catnip something and it makes no sense and they all crack up.

You bishes is a lil too mush fo me. Hiccup!

Catnip tells us Kayleigh is going to fit right in. She walked into the house all cute and tall and went right for the alcohol. Meanwhile Kristin totally busts her ass when she trips over Kayleigh’s luggage.

Later in the room Kristin, Lea and Kayleigh bond. They ask her if she’s bi or straight. She tells them she dabbles. Ok. She loves lesbians and blondes. They tell her Esther is the lesbian of the house. Speaking of Esther she is on the phone with that skanky ex cop from the night before. They make a date. Yippie!

Off to the club they go. In the limo they toast the new bitch and everyone loves everyone.

Nope!

Elisa, Esther’s date shows up and I may have to become celibate. Esther asks Elisa a very sweet question.

Not even on your birthday. Not even if you were dying.

Elisa tells her “Maybe.” It depends on how she acts. I need ginger ale.  Or cyanide.

Over to Kayleigh and Kristin. Kristin likes her because she’s a party girl. AKA another alcoholic. Kayleigh tells Kristin she is her fav. Awww.

Oh for fucksake get a room! A dark room with no windows!

Esther tells us that she’s trying to get to know Elisa “in the bedroom sense.” I wish she would evaporate before I go blind. She tells us she wants to know what her sex faces look like. I’m not kidding. I may have to quit right now.

Back at home Kayleigh and Catnip pretend fight over whose BFF Kristin is. Then we are back to Fug & Fuglier and Elisa is handcuffing Esther and throwing her on the bed.

They run outside and jump in the hot tub and Esther announces that it’s hotter than cat piss. So romantic! Then we are treated to a series of grossness.

I’m gonna need therapy. More so than I do now.

Meanwhile inside these two are doing this.

Well that’s one way to bond.

Kristin and Catnip tell us their thoughts on being a lesbian. Kristin says the only good thing about it would be borrowing their clothes or having them do her hair and make up. Wasn’t she just at a club bellowing that she wanted a lesbian?

Send these girls some lesbians pronto.

F&F jump into bed. Esther tells us that “this is her boo.”

That’s not just a boo, that’s some scary ass shit.

Elisa tells us she has lost her voice. I could say something really nasty here but it’s even too much for me. All I’ll say is that I am not sure actual germs could survive either one of them. We go to commercial to the sounds of ickiness and moaning and one of them saying “Oh God I love your mouth.”

I have to find an exorcist. BRB.

Erica, Kayleigh and Kristin head off to the hair salon. Good maybe someone will wash Kayleighs hair. No such luck. They are just there to get their nails done. Erica tells us that she wants to see if Kayleigh can hang with the Bad Girls. Shut up Erica.

In the car Erica asks Kayleigh why she’s a Bad Girl. Kayleigh says she will never hit someone first. Erica says she’s a Bad Girl because she’s really bitchy. It’s her thing. Kristin agrees with that. Kayleigh says she’s a really nice girl until you do something to her. Kristin is very territorial. Excuse me.zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Kristin and Kayleigh end up going for a walk while waiting for Erica to get done. And of course to talk shit about her. Kristin doesn’t like her and wishes they had left her. Kristin just wants them to be Bad Girls but fun Bad Girls and not stupid. Then I see this sign behind them.

Yeah like they needed permission.

Kristin tells us she didn’t want to like Kayleigh but she does. She says she is cute and fun. And she likes having her own puppy.

Kristin and Kayleigh continue to talk being besties and Kristin says she wished that they all three, she, Kayleigh and Catnip had names that started with K. Then they could be the Three K’s. And they start chanting KKK.

Please say that a little louder. Dingbats.

Back at the house Dani is telling her stories of rehab to Lea and Esther. Esther opines that she herself has a lot of skeletons in her closet but you will never catch her dead saying that shit in this house. Lea just hangs her head. Dani looks confused.

Esther tells us that if you are stupid enough to tell everyone your business then be prepared to have it thrown back in your face when someone gets mad at you.

The girls are off to Palace and it’s the start of gay pride week. So they are getting dressed up to see some drag queens.

Kristin is going as a giant set of boobs while Dani stole a table cloth and a fat girl belt.

Noel intro’s the Bad Girls and then comes over to their table and asks if they want to ride on their float.

Elizabeth Taylor has really gotten butch.

yay the girls are gonna be on the float. Everyone parties. Kristin and Kayleigh are having a lovefest and Esther decides it’s funny. Kristin gets pissy.

I hate you both.

But not as much as I hate this ones face.

Esther keeps saying she isn’t making fun of her but Kristin is all liquored up which means she’s about to get angry. In the limo she tells them she is tired of being picked on and teased. The others say that they all tease each other. Kristin argues that she gets teased the most. She threatens to start throwing punches.

One of then sings “Welcome to the Bad Girls Club!” Dingbat yells “Shut up!” Kayleigh joins in and tells Kristin she should shut up. She tells her she loves her to death but she needs to relax. Kristin tells her that she doesn’t live here because it’s only the second day she’s been there. Ok. Blah blah blah back and forth until Kayleigh tells her that everyone in the limo thinks she’s dumb.

Yep Kristin loses it and starts throwing shit.

Catnip screams bloody murder.

Kayleigh tells us that she loves Kristin but she will “put that girl in check!”  At the house Esther gets out of the limo laughing her ass off. KKristin won’t get out of the limo and screams that she wants the bitch out of her house. Kristin tells us that Kayleigh needs to know her place and that if she doesn’t like someone she will punch them out, it’s that simple. No what is simple is that you don’t need to drink. Ever.

Esther tells Kayleigh she can sleep in her room if she wants. Kayleigh decides she’d rather hit Kristin and goes back downstairs. Kristin starts yelling “Hey bitch!” Blah blah blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Erica grabs some booze and is enjoying the show. Finally Catnip is holding Kristin back and Kayleigh keeps saying “I love this bitch to death………” And they beat the shit out of each other, right? WRONG! They hug it out.

I do have the right show don’t I?

The next day the girls are getting ready for the Gay Pride Parade. All except for Erica who is sick and just wants to sleep all day.

Kristin tells us in a somber tone that gay pride is big. But not as big as Erica’s ass.

Somber gay pride faces.

The girls get all dolled up and head out. They shout at girls on the sidewalk and Esther is happy as hell to be with “her people.”

On the float they go. Kristin yells out her love and respect for gay pride.

Ooooh it’s that lady from the Psychic Hotline!

Gay Pride is everywhere. People are everywhere. People on floats, people on stilts. The girls are having a blast and then suddenly the ride is over. Dani is not happy. She wants to stay.

Back at the house Erica is snoring away. Back at the parade Dani is having a tantrum. She doesn’t want to go home. The others are tired. She finally gives in and Esther tells us that it doesn’t matter what Dani wants she’ll do as they say and shut up.

At the house Dani bitches and whines to Erica who looks like road kill.

Looks like a chewed up Barbie doll.

Catnips Boo Boo Mike is coming and a few friends are coming to. The others are going out and Kayleigh announces she’s ready.

She actually did her hair like that ON PURPOSE.

Doorbell rings and there are some girls and a dude and Kristin screams “What up bitches!” about 4 times.

Sunglasses in the house means TROUBLE.

Ok there are about 800 people in this group. Esther takes notice and is NOT happy. She doesn’t want a bunch of strangers in the house while she’s gone. Kristin, Lea, Esther and Kayleigh get in limo bitching about how many people are there.

Check out Mr. Peepers to the right.

Dani and Erica stay behind and catnip introduces them around. One of the guys asks Erica who is hotter Catnip or her and she says no comment. He then says something that makes her tell him not to flatter himself.

The other girls meanwhile are at a pub. With a bunch of weird people. Kayleigh tells us she realizes she is with the good people in the house and she is not a loser like Dani and Erica. Good for you. Now shut it.

Back at the house Dani and Erica are in their room bitching about all the people while all the people downstairs are doing this.

There is so gonna be pukage.

Back at the pub there are jugglers, a dude twirling fiery batons, a dude playing a guitar. And a girl with blood on her face running around screaming. Kayleigh tells us thank God that she is drunk or this would be an unpleasant experience.

Note to self: Get drunk before attempting to recap another episode.

Catnips friends are scattered all over the house. Then Erica screams for Catnip to see if this girl is ok out on the balcony. Catnip says I am sure she is and then we see this…

Pukage.

The other girls arrive back home to this. And also a trashed house.

Classy.

This is why I don’t let people in my house. That and I don’t like them.

When Esther sees that someone has puked on her smoking patio she is unhappy. Meanwhile Catnip seems to be oblivious to the whole thing because she’s sucking face with her boo.

One couple starts fighting. She hits him, he hits her, she hits him again. Kayleigh starts yelling for Catnip. Then she starts yelling for everyone to get out. Catnip is pissed and embarrassed and tells one of her friends to follow her. He makes a comment about her having a whole lot of blue on and Catnip whips around looking pissed. Lea tells him he should have respect and he claims he respects all women. Catnips boo comes up and tries to make peace.

I would just punch him.

Outside this charmer yells something about “whack bitches.” He singles out Esther who decides to spit on him. There are so many people outside I can’t keep count.Then Esther runs in the house and grabs shit she can throw at him.

Aim for his head.

He grabs it and acts like it’s a penis then screams something about bitches and smashes the plant. Another dude breaks some shit and then inside Esther has lost all control and is tearing the house apart. Meanwhile Catnip is in the hot tub with her Boo.

At least you don’t have to recap it.

Esther continues her rampage through the house. The other girls take refuge by the pool while Esther busts lights and throws shit off the balcony.

I guess they really didn’t need that anyway.

Erica yells for Esther to stop fucking up the house and Esther tells her to come up there and tell her. Downstairs Esther goes and gets in Erica’s face. Erica keeps asking her if she’s serious and what’s she gonna do. Then Esther and Dani are in each others faces. Everyone is screaming as Kayleigh tries to keep them apart.

Let them fight. Please.

Meanwhile Catnip decides she needs to get away from the craziness and go somewhere quiet.

Somewhere quiet.

Downstairs the fighting continues as dani yells for Esther to act like an adult. Kristin is holding Dani back and Esther walks up and I hear a smack and Dani goes apeshit. She starts yelling don’t touch me bitch!

Esther tells us that Dani is being verbally aggressive towards her. Ya think? You are a complete whackjob and you just hit her. You’d be a boney ugly smear on the floor.

Esther and Dani continue to scream at each other. Esther claims she’s gonna murder Dani. Dani invites her to do so. That’s probably not a good idea since this bitch is certifiably bat shit insane.

Esther tells Dani she’s already dead cause she lives on the floor. Whatever that means it pisses Dani off enough to say I am not a stripper I don’t take off  my clothes for money bitch! And then Esther happily jumps up and down and screams “I ain’t no heroin addict ho!” As everyone goes silent, Esther grins an evil ass grin.

I’m gonna start going to church.

This makes Dani lose her shit and throw over a table. She runs upstairs and starts screaming “How dare she? You don’t know! You don’t even know what that does to me!”. Lea is trying to comfort her.

Girl get your ass up off that floor and beat the shit out that nutjob.

While Dani sobs on the floor Esther’s work is done.

Why am I suddenly thinking about The Grinch?

That’s it for this week peeps. Until next time,

Love & Smooches,

Cherie