This week for once does not start off as we left last week. This week Erica and Dani are having guests. Short Skater Boy Zach, Erica’s Esther insulting Jeff and some new dude they call H.Boogie. They call him the crazy wing man. I think he looks like a dick.
Why do two guys who already have girls need a wing man? Moving along, Catnip tells us that Erica is desperate and she doesn’t like Jeff and he’s not even cute. Meanwhile Dani and Skater Dude are “cooking” hamburgers and hot dogs on the grill. Thrilling so far right?
Erica tells us that she thinks Jeff is hot and she likes hanging out with him but right now she’s all about actions not words. WHAT? He’s there to get on tv and get laid. In that order. Dipshit.
So when are we getting married?
Erica tells Jeff she doesn’t want to be made a fool out of. Uh, your chubby crack is hanging out of your shorts and your nasty tramp stamp looks like it was done in prison. Little late to be worried about looking like a fool. He says of course he wouldn’t do that but he needs to get to know her better. She basically suggests he move in with her and hand cuff themselves together. Seriously how desperate can one person be?
Over to the poor couple. Dani and Skater Dude are discussing getting a pelican as a pet. Dani wants one. Sure why not, then when you run out of dimes from your hobo sock you can make some nice pelican soup. In the next breath he asks her what she’s doing tonight and she says probably nothing because she only has two dollars. Those pelicans better scatter.
We could probably use the pool net and catch a few pelicans!
Aside from both being poor, Dani is also bothered because Skater Dude is not yet 21. Could someone smack someone already? Where the hell is Esther?
Tonight’s show is all about deep conversations. Now it’s Lea and Catnip. Lea says marriage is weird to her. She asks Catnip if she can fathom being with the same dude forever?
What I can’t fathom is how your face looks like this and then Oxygen or God turns you into someone almost cute.
They continue this conversation with Catnip saying at the end of the day you have to look out for self. Uh, she’s fucking 2 guys, she sure as hell ain’t looking out for the homeless. Lea yaps about how Adam aka “Six” is perfect and she loves him and blahhhhhhhhhhhh. Then she says “Other One” aka Federico is wonderful and she’s so in love with him. Doesn’t she also like girls? This bitch is just greedy as hell. I’m starting to worry more and more about those pelicans. God forbid a slow moving turtle wanders by. Lea will fall in love with it, sex it up and when not looking, Dani will make turtle soup.
Fuck a duck don’t sneak up on me like that!
Sheesh warn a person. Sometime later, Esther, Erica and Lea are talking tattoos. Erica doesn’t want to get one and clearly Esther doesn’t agree. Or maybe that’s her happy face, who can tell? Woof. Erica tells us she didn’t come to the BGC to make friends. She then tells Lea and Esther that she thinks its dumb to get the BGC logo tattooed just yet because they haven’t fully grasped the experience yet. I’m about to fully grasp a bottle of vodka because these bitches are boring me to death.
Esther announces that she has been a bad girl since she “came out the cooter.” Thanks for sharing. Looks like everyone is going to the tatt shop except Erica. Even Kristin thinks it’s wrong because they should all be supporting each other. It’s a freakin tatt, no one is getting chemo! Excuse me a sec, I have to run around in circles before my head explodes.
Note to self: When running around in circles, watch out for door jams.
So the other girls pile up into one car and head off leaving Erica behind. At the tatt shop, Dani tells us she is getting lyrics from Rent on her thigh. What happened to only having two dollars?
Pretty sure that cost more than two bucks.
Dani seems to enjoy the pain but then we move on to the “Bad Girl since I came out the cooter.” As soon as it looks like he’s about to start the tatt, she starts screaming like a bitch. And I notice she has a tongue ring. Wouldn’t that hurt worse? I have no clue because I am a boring ass house wife with no life but I’m pretty sure having a nail driven through my tongue would give me more pause than a tiny tatt.
I’m bad y’all.
No really I’ll kill a mother fucker! WHERE’S MY MOMMY?
Someone says “This is worse than a pap smear.” Who the hell has been giving this girl pap smears? Roto Rooter?
Catnip is up next and she makes a couple of faces but no biggie. By this time Kristen has got her buzz on so she starts talking shit. About Erica. She says she is the most selfish person she has ever known. Everyone agrees and I see a gang up situation in Erica’s near future.
Erica is so sefshish, does dis cup make me look fats?
Esther’s bright idea is that when they get home they should address Erica’s selfishness as a group. Erica meanwhile is at home alone talking to Jeff on the phone whining about the other girls. She tells him “You have to understand where I’m coming from and what I’m trying to stay away from, which is drama.” So you come to the fucking Bad Girls Club???? This girl needs a good smack!
Hey bitch, this ain’t no convent!
Back at the tatt shop, Kristin now has a snoot full and she stutters that she wants a tatt. She has to argue with the dude because she wants the whole thing pink and he keeps insisting on black. Seriously, someone better see if he was just let out of prison. She wins of course and pink it is.
Looks like ringworm to me.
After wards Kristin screams and says she is very very Catholic. Well you are also very very tattooed. In the car Kristin is now officially snockered and she tells the other girls that she knows they live with Erica but she is selfish and …………they have to explain to drunko that she too lives with Erica. They all do. Catnip meanwhile just keeps saying “I love my roommate.”
At the house Esther comes in the door saying everybody should just say what they need to say. Erica goes into the kitchen and Esther confronts her and slurs that first of all she needs to calm down. Erica is like, I am not saying anything. Esther loudly says “I know but what I am saying is that other people have things to say to you and they are not ready to say them yet babe.” I would so swat her like a fly. Why announce that shit if no one is going to say anything.
I think I’ll run next door and tell my neighbor that he’s gonna have to pay his mortgage next month but the bill isn’t ready yet. Fucknuts.
Erica then goes outside to ask drunkass Kristin what’s up and Kristin says “Do you really care?” Erica says I wouldn’t be asking if I didn’t. This seems to make Kristin madder who then tells her she is selfish and fake. Erica asks how she’s fake and Kristin counters with “How are you not fake?” It’s like Shakespeare only written by drunken whores.
How mush does I hate dee, let me counts da ways.
Kristin tells Erica she is never there for anyone and she is done with her and for her to go fuck herself. Erica has a seat like it’s no big thing. And then she cries. Kristin then tells us in interview that Erica better watch herself because she can make her life a living hell.
That’s pretty scary coming from the Church Lady.
Esther wakes up the next morning and she and Lea compare tatts. Both say their Mom’s will hate it. Esther’s Mom, when told it was a heart with devil horns and a tail exclaimed,”Lord have mercy Jesus!”
Meanwhile Kristin calls her Mom and Mom tells her she was afraid to call her because she knew she was going to that tattoo parlor with “those two girls” and she was afraid she was going to tell her that she ended up getting a tattoo. Hope Mom is sitting down.
Hahahahahaaha! When Kristin fesses up that yes she got a tiny tatt so small it cannot be seen with the naked eye, her Mom tells her that she is so fucking mad at her that she isn’t going to pay her credit cards.
Kristin looks like she pooped her pants and tells us she hopes her Mom doesn’t really expect her to be financially independent because she does not know what the hell that means.
Ok so does this mean that you are going to send me the cash and I will have to give it to the credit card fairy?
Whoa, Mom ain’t playing around. She bitches about how Kristin used to have dreams of becoming Miss Mass. or Miss U.S.A. and now she thinks she’s going to end up just being gutter trash. Kristin says “Mommy please don’t be mad at me.” I am so gonna barf. Her Mom isn’t through. She tells her she’s 24 years old and she acts like an idiot. Must be all that positive reinforcement she has received from Mommy. Kristin’s response? “Does this mean I can’t get a puppy?” CLICK!
Outside Erica is telling Catnip that Kristin told her she hated her and that she doesn’t care about the other roommates. Catnip interjects with “I feel like that too.” Erica wonders why no one has said anything. Hey dumbass they did. Just now. Weren’t you listening? Erica apologizes if she came off that way.
Proactive DID NOT work for me.
Catnip tells us if you apologize for shit you don’t care about then you aren’t even a bad girl. She walks off and Dani sits down. Dani says she wasn’t a part of the Erica bashing and Erica says that not everyone is going to get along.
Kristin and Catnip take a trip to the spa to bond. They both decide they hate Erica. Kristin informs us that she’s only ever been close to her Mom and her dog. Now her Mom is mad at her and has her dog. Boo hoo.
It seems Kristin biggest beef with Erica is that she has a boyfriend and that this is their time as Bad Girls to be together and they should be enjoying this as a group. Catnip explains that “they” are desperate.
Back at the house Lea gets a call from Federico. He tells her he wish’s they could talk but he doesn’t want any part of that house. She calls bullshit and he claims he “Told you something before you got into that house right?” Oh and he didn’t even call her on her birthday. Relax, he probably just fucking his wife. Skank. She starts to whine and he says “Take care of yourself.” Then hangs up.
He didn’t break up with me. I broke up with him. Seriously.
Lea goes out and tells Catnip that Federico wants her to leave the house and she is not going to. Esther comes in and says she thinks that dude has some balls. She should know, I bet she has hers tucked in right now. Catnip says as women we need to know our worth and if you can get one guy you can get sixteen.
Oh crap. All the roommates are heading out. To a club. Jeff is there. Esther jumps on the pool table and starts “dancing”. So does Dani.
One of them forgot their magic wand.
Kristin tries to pick up some random dude with a great line. She asks him if he has a dog.
Why? You hungry?
Turns out he does have a dog and Kristin squeals with delight. Over to Erica and Jeff. He tells her he missed her. Awww. Uh oh, guess whose stuck outside on the curb. Yep the underage walletless wonder.
Dude, if you aren’t tall enough to see over a grocery cart, you ain’t getting in.
Lea and Catnip are laughing at his attempts to come in but the guy at the door just shakes his head no. Out comes Dani, drunk, and telling him she wants him to come home with her. Then she molests him on the street.
I bet he’s calling his Mom to see if it’s ok.
Since he can’t come inside he tells her he will hang with them later. That means Mommy said no, after all he left his Spiderman footed PJ’s at home.
Lea tells Catnip that she likes Skater Boy and so does Catnip. They do not however like Jeff. Inside the club, Erica is ratting out her roommates.
Not exactly true but I like where this is headed.
At the bar, Catnip asks Jeff for money for drinks. He says forget it and walks off. Erica walks up and acts all innocent and says “He wouldn’t pay for it? Wow.” Catnip says no and then says this.
Good luck with that.
Storms they are a brewin’. Back outside Kristin once again has a snoot full and she tells the other girls that Dani is a sweetheart and understands what she does, she thinks Erica understands but just doesn’t care.
That’s a good Catholic girl.
Inside Dani announces to Erica and Esther that she wants Skater Boy to come back to the house. Cool with them. Then she tells them that roomy to roomy (and she sits on the pool table) that she is ready to get (insert jibberish here). I am assuming she wants some affection. Of the fucking kind.
Outside Dani bellows for Skater Boy, who has now gone up and down the street picking hobo’s pockets so he and Dani can have some after sex Cheetos, and he jumps in the limo and off they go.
Immediately the Jeff bashing starts. Catnip is pissed at his cheap ass. As Catnip rattles on about the drinks only being $32 Erica begins to cry but says nothing. Dani touches her knee to comfort her.
They arrive back at the house and Catnip is still bitching. She thinks Erica needs to hold herself to a higher standard. At the house H.Boogie is there (WHY?) and Erica gets out of the limo and starts walking away. Oh I see H.Boogie and Jeff must have followed and now Jeff is hugging Erica all the while you hear Catnip still pissed off in the back ground.
Be afraid. Very afraid.
Erica tells us that when Catnip sees people she sees DEAD PEOPLE! Sorry, no she said she sees dollar signs and if she doesn’t see dollar signs she keeps walking. Inside Erica is saying she is not gonna be a psycho bitch and Jeff keeps telling her it’s alright. Oh so not only is he cheap, he’s stupid.
Meanwhile the only thing Dani wants is to get laid. So while she’s getting undressed someone yells for her downstairs and she ignores them and hops into bed with Skater Boy.
But I don’t have my Mr.Snuggles or my special pillow!
Downstairs Jeff is telling Erica “Why would I buy her friends drinks? I’ll buy her house. I’ll buy her house and tear it down.” Erica keeps shushing his stupid ass.
Uh oh here she comes. Catnip comes outside and starts off by apologizing to Erica for treating her company badly BUT, she is a real ass bitch and if you can’t spend $30 you can’t fuck in this house.
I like that. I think I’ll have a welcome mat made like that.
Catnip tells Jeff he said he would buy her drinks and he denies it as Erica says “OhMy God!” and then Catnip asks Jeff if he’s “Shitting me or kidding me?” Erica keeps begging Catnip to stop but she has broken a sweat now and is full pissed off fuck you mode. She tells him he’s a broke ass mother fucker and he gets up and she tells him to leave. He repeats that shit about buying her house and knocking it down to the floor. The arguing moves further out into the yard. Now Esther has arrived. And then it happens.
Yep. Catnip spit on Jeff.
Yep. Jeff spit back at Catnip.
All hell breaks lose as Catnip keeps screaming for Jeff to “act crazy bitch cause I’ll pop off.” (Uh Oh she is channeling her inner Tanisha) Erica is in the middle and trying to keep them apart. Esther is useless and off to the side. Catnip tries to hit Jeff a couple of times but I don’t think she was able to make contact.
This shit just keeps going and Jeff keeps saying he’ll buy her house and Catnip yells back that she will buy him a house . She’ll buy “his white ass family.” And she repeats that several times. Ok now me and Catnip have a problem. If that shit had been said the other way around it would be considered a hate crime. But actually that’s not why I’m upset. These two keep offering to buy each others houses and I am the one having to sit through this shit so which one of you assholes is gonna buy me a house? Hello? Are ya listening Oxygen? Cherie needs a house. On the beach.Pronto.
Esther starts screaming for everyone to calm down. Meanwhile Catnip has a container and she’s looking for a target. Upstairs Esther is telling Erica she doesn’t have a problem with Erica but Catnip is irate and Jeff needs to go. Suddenly, Catnip finds her target. And then some.
Splish splash I was taking a bath!
There is so much over screaming that I can’t make out much. Erica throws some shit in a suitcase and cries and says something about disrespect. Meanwhile downstairs Kristin is eating and chillin’ and Esther runs up to her and tells her that she needs to have Cat’s back. Kristin says she does but she needs a snacky cake ok?
She would be a perfect Celie for The Color Purple.
Meanwhile Catnip has reloaded. She throws more water over the banister. Kristin tells us she isn’t holding Catnip back from hurting Erica. After all, she hates her. Dani tries to stop Cat from re-reloading and Esther tackles her. Meanwhile Catnip has reloaded and is closing in on her target. Just in time for a commercial. The only reason I mention this commercial is that this is the part in the show where during the commercial they show a small part of BGC totally out of context. In this case it’s Kristin calling her Mom proclaiming that she is going to be financially independent and get a job and support herself and be a real adult and the decisions she makes sober or not are her decisions to make. Her last words to her Mom are “It’s not like we’re Jewish. Think about that. If we were Jewish we couldn’t get buried together. Think about That!”
We could be Jews!
Back to the hysterics of the house, Catnip is still pissed, Jeff thinks he’s innocent, Erica needs to go jogging because she is so upset and Dani says Erica is her best friend and she has her back all the way.
For some reason now Cat is out back sweeping up leaves and talking about Erica crying over some broke ass bitch.
The next morning Catnip wants to chat with Erica. Erica looks scared and Dani is still in bed with Skater Boy, whose mother I am sure has issued an Amber Alert for by now. Downstairs the girls go.
I was disrespected.
I was disrespected.
From now on I want any bitch who enters the BGC to wear shock collars. If the word respect in any form comes out of their freakin’ mouths, shock the shit out of them!
They rehash the whole respect, disrespect, spit, spit back, spit again. Erica got hit while Catnip was trying to hit Jeff. The ending to all this. They are going to get bagels. At least Erica, Dani and Skater Boy are. Seriously could the editing of this show maybe be a little smoother? Just a question. I still want my house.
At said bagel shop this happens.
She’s kidding right?
Nope. And guess what? Skater Boy has no money. His roommate has it. So Erica pays for it all. Then Skater Boy tells them he wants to make breakfast for all of them. They ask him if he’s going to pay for it………
This is what’s known as the dumb dog look. In other words no.
They actually make his ass walk to whatever homeless shelter he’s staying at and Dani calls him a douche. That girl is cold. She should have known to look through his pockets BEFORE having sex with him. Wait did I type that out loud?
Back at the house Catnip and Kristin are working out. And shit talking. Kristin is surprised that Dani is sticking up Erica’s ass. Catnip says she’s doesn’t know but she doesn’t like followers. You don’t follow, you lead. Well if everyone lead we’d all be fucked now wouldn’t we?
Kristin claims that it’s good she hates Erica so much because she can focus all her negativity on her. She’s usually a nice person. She really is. You know who says that shit? Evil people!
Kristin’s alter ego Church Lady tells us it’s time to get rid of Erica because she talks tough but is weak as hell. Told ya. Evil.
Back at the house Lea calls Adam and asks if he wants to come over. He says yes but he can’t stay long because he has finals to study for. Ok. Lea tells us that she and Federico are done and she’s really glad to see Adam.
In the car you can tell there is no chemistry. He asks her what her plans are and she says she’s moving to L.A. He asks if she’s serious and she is. He says that sux but neither look heartbroken.
At the restaurant he tells her he had an appointment with a guy to do a major remix and she says thanks for fitting me into your busy schedule douchebag. Then he asks her if she’s the only one in the house with a boyfriend and has she hooked up with any girls. Yes she’s the only one with a boyfriend and no, no girls. He seems surprised and disappointed. At the end of it Lea tells us that they have just fallen out of love but are best friends and want the best for each other. This is foreign material for me because I have never had a relationship end without the cops somehow being involved.
Upstairs Lea tells Kristin that she will always love Adam but when the time comes that you can’t feel what that person feels it’s time to let go. That “Six years is a long time.” Uh, compared to what? Then we see Kristin say this.
Not if she keeps on picking her nose in front of people like that!
Lea decides she will miss the stability of of Adam and the passion of Federico, but if she can’t find it in one man she’ll find it in another. She better bring that magic wand with her ass.
Dani and Erica decide they don’t want to go out because they are poor and they don’t like people.
Lea, Kristin, Esther and Catnip hit the town. Even in the limo Kristin has started in on Erica and how she has never even just come up to her and asked her about her day. And other retarded shit.
At the club the girls start to mingle, dance. DRINK. Especially Kristin. In the middle of fun, Kristin starts yapping about the good roommates and then” this girl I don’t like.” Lea rightfully hopes that Kristin doesn’t get sloppy drunk like usual. Hope springs eternal. So does herpes.
See sun girls is britches, bitches, fake ass ho’s, ya knows wut I means.
They leave the club and are hugging some dude and since he hugged Kristin first Esther takes offense and says “No you liked her best.”
Oh look! My ex husband. We shall name him Satan.
Anyhoo, back at the house, Dani and Erica decide they better put their ear plugs in before the rest of them get home. No I would lock myself in a safe room. Ominous music plays as the limo pulls up.
Erica is at the computer and she says as Kristin stumbles around the house, Kristin can only take one word of advice right now, and that’s “stay the fuck away from me cause I am not gonna put up with her shit.” Actually that’s 16 words but we get it.
Back and forth they go. One is sick of it. The other calls the other a bi polar bitch. Erica tells Kristin to get out of her face because she is wasted. Kristin starts screaming at Erica that no one likes her. Erica threatens to throw a wine glass at her head. Kristen tells her to do it. Dani tries to step in and then runs for cover. Lea tries to make Kristin move but suddenly Kristin is possessed by the powers of anger and alcohol and Lea gets the hell out of the way as Kristin starts throwing everything in sight. In comes production!
Somebody’s in trouble.
It takes two dudes to subdue her? You better put her in the Charlie Sheen wing of rehab.
Inside Dani is screaming some shit about Kristin ruining the house and there is broken glass everywhere. Outside Kristin is being placed in a van and driven away. But before they drive her away she tells them “If I am leaving fine, I will pack my stuff. If I’m not leaving it’s fine. No honestly….like I”
Say goodnight drunko.
Dani and Erica thinks she’ll try to cry and apologize her way out of it but for tonight, Kristin has left the building.
Until next week,
Love & Smooches,