Bad Girls Club: Who Runs Miami?

Last time we visited the BGC, Trigger had made Bleach Blondie and Lesbo Lea look like fools and then they ditched her and went out without her. Not to be stopped, Trigger put on her nicest feed bag and went out alone. Guess who she finds waiting at a club for her?

That girls last name cannot be Nunn!

Cut to a montage from season 4 of Batshit (in case you are new that’s what I called her) and all her most glorious moments and the 700 times she yelled “I run L.A.”

Batshit tells us that after her Bad Girls experience her life has been nuts. I bet. Now she has decided to “get her party on in Miami”.

After Trigger and Batshit hug and scream incoherently, I think Batshit tells her she is there for her.

Horsey faces unite!

Back at the house the other trolls come stumbling in. I think Esther asks where Trigger is and it sounds like Lea says she couldn’t care less. Meanwhile Trigger is partying her ass off with Batshit and others. And even though I have come to like and respect Trigger………….

Is it just me or does she look like someone fried Mariah Carey?

More screaming, yelling, laughing drunken girl fun at the club while back at the house the others start to worry. Well some of them.

Esther wonders if Trigger is dead since its after 4am. Bleach Blondie says she is sure she is fine. But then she tells us she is not the devil and it’s 4am and Trigger is still not home.

Maybe not the devil, but Satan’s blow up doll fits.

Somewhere downstairs Lea yells some shit about why does she give a fuck and Bleach Blondie replies that Trigger is not from around here and could be dead or something. Could it be? Actual…concern?

Back at the club, Trigger isn’t dead but she sure is swimming in a lot of germs.

I’m gonna need antibiotics.

Outside the club, Batshit tells Trigger that she has her number and if she needs her call. WHAT? She isn’t going home with her? What kind of rip off is this?

When Trigger arrives back home, Esther comes running out screaming about how worried she was and then Trigger tells her about Batshit. Trigger stumbles in the house to find Erica on the phone and slurs to her that she met Batshit. This is Erica’s reaction…

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Then Erica tells us that this isn’t the Batshit show and she don’t run Miami. She doesn’t want her in the house. While Trigger calls her “girlfriend” on the phone and makes arrangements for her arrival at the BGC tomorrow, we see this on the floor.

If you are going to grope someone you must take turns with each tit.

After the drunken phone call, Trigger staggers upstairs and sets her alarm. Some time later when it’s barely daylight the alarm goes off, and keeps going off causing Lea to lose her shit.

After calling her a stupid hibernating troll, Lea runs upstairs and snatches the clock from the wall and proceeds to beat the shit out of it.

That was a regular school day for me.

The next morning Lea attacks Trigger as soon as she sees she is awake and tells her to have some consideration for others in the house. This turns into Trigger calling her a joke and Lea saying she was uneducated and probably went to tanning school. Outside as usual, Bleach Blondie yells, “No one loves you bitch.”

Later while the girls are getting dolled up, Trigger keeps talking about Batshit and her experience with her. The Bride of Frankenstein, I mean Lea, tells us “I am all about today, not yesterday.” Thanks for sharing nutsack.

Later Bleach Blondie and Lea come up with a sinister plan so horrifying I am afraid to speak of it. While Trigger is out, dare I say it? They are going to switch the nasty mattress that they befouled in the first place with the mattress that Trigger switched out after they doused her with everything aside from BLEACH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh man, I wonder where they got the idea? I mean it’s almost like totally genius except for the fact that Trigger already did that shit. It’s getting to the point where I wish someone would Super Glue  Bleach Blondie’s lips together so I don’t have to hear her speak.

When the others leave, Lea and Bleach Blondie run and get the soiled mattress and half push/pull it up the stairs while trying not to puke.

Like neither one of them have been on a stained mattress before.

Lea’s nasty ass says that Trigger doesn’t know her “place” and she’s gonna show her her “place”. Shut up you streaky haired ghoul. Then Bleach Blondie puts olive oil in something of Triggers and says “You don’t mess with the posse bitch!” Oh gag me for fucksake.

Trigger goes to the beach with Batshit and one of her friends and the gossiping starts as soon as they leave. The next thing I know Lea and Esther are having a heart to heart about being real. Lea claims she has never changed since she’s been in the house. Yeah, maybe not her underwear.

Later while getting ready, Strawhead tries to explain that they threw everything on Triggers bed. Bleach Blondie interrupts to say she went to boarding school and that was nothing. Where did this bitch go to boarding school? Rwanda?

Esther tells us that Lea is a different person when she is with Bleach Blondie and suddenly we are outside with Esther and Lea having a heart to heart. There’s some shit talk about how Esther doesn’t mind that Lea and Bleach Blondie are friends. Lea talks about how forgiving BB is and that leads to Esther wondering why Lea can’t forgive her. Ugh.

Meanwhile Trigger, Batshit and some other chick take off for the beach. Batshit tells them that they are invited to an NFL party later that night. Yay.

Best Friends Forever and Ever and Ever……or until their contract expires.

In the meantime back at the house…..Oh gross, that is just too near the food supply!

Trigger comes home, catches Adrian and Erica hiding the bologna, acts like it’s nothing and gets something to eat. The two lust hounds move their germs upstairs.

Elsewhere Lea and Bleach Blondie are talking about how Trigger has yet to notice they switched out the stinky mattress. Until the next morning when Trigger tells Lea and Bleach Blondie she knows all about the switch and she thinks they are jokes and she doesn’t care.

While the Bride of Frankenstein is trying to fix her hideous hair she tells Trigger its not her looks she doesn’t like, it’s her as a person she hates. Oh well, one less Christmas card to send.

 

It ain’t easy looking nasty as all hell.

Bleach Blondie tells us that Trigger may look like Kermit the Frog, but at least she has a back bone.

For the love of nachos, what the hell is that at the door?

I’m scared y’all.

Oh jeez, it’s Triggers girl/boy/it friend. And it’s not pretty. It looks like Ellen and Bart Simpson fucked. It’s name is Lauren. I don’t think so. It shall be called L-Warren. L-Warren is drunk off it’s ass and staggers into the house and tries to introduce itself but mostly just acts like a crackhead. Upstairs it drags Trigger onto the bed and the first coherent thing I hear it say is this….

Otay!

L-Warren has a new tatt to show off. Under it’s tit. I didn’t realize it had tits.

That’s………….special.

Strawhead comes in to intro the others and automatically L-Warren thinks Lea is the other house lesbo. Funny how that keeps happening. Outside Trigger and this drunk bitch go. Trigger tries to tell this drunk whore that they have a party to go to but said drunk whore has wandered off into the bushes and discovered a lizard!

Theres a lot of filler in here but basically Trigger and L-Warren have only dated for 6 months. Trigger tells it they need to get ready and go but drunko is slow moving so Trigger calls her newest bestest friend Batshit and Batshit advises she leave now. Somehow they get it together and make it to the party.

I always insist on being mostly naked at my parties, people eat less that way.

While Batshit is giving out advice to the happy-ish couple I notice some strange brown marks on L-Warren’s face.

I’ve seen that shit before and it ain’t sunspots.

As Trigger listens to this advice she tells Batshit that she doesn’t know where her roommates are but she knows they are not having nearly as much fun as they are.

Yippie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Later at the snoozefest some chick from the 1950′s shows up and puts the moves on Lea. Hahahahahahahahaa.

Oh yes you did! Lesbo radar never lies!

Meanwhile back at the Batshit party…………..

That pole should be burned for public heath reasons.

Trigger is telling a giant dude named Big Mike that the other girls are below her. Then Batshit advises that she should live it up in the BGC because it can be here today and gone tomorrow. Then they scream about how they run Miami and L.A.

Back at the house, Esther calls Kiki for a booty call. Ick.  Then suddenly Lea comes into the house after Trigger and her “girlfriend” are home and she is laughing and saying she cannot tell her what happened tonight. Then spills that yet another girl thought she was a lesbo and hit on her. Trigger hops up and down and laughs her ass off. In fact they are both laughing as if they like each other.

Am I in the twilight zone?

Lea tells us it’s hard to hate Trigger even after all the horrible things they did to her because she’s just so nice. I don’t like this. I want fighting and drunken whores acting retarded. If everyone is just all lovey dovey I should end this recap now and call it Peace of the Beavers. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

This happy little conversation keeps going as Lea points out that if someone with a dick would hit on her just once she could overlook the 50 lesbians that always hit on her. Ass Trigger and  her woman/man/it laugh their asses off Lea throws her hands in the air and says fuck it “I am a lesbian!”

What was your first clue? Licking cooters?

Trigger tells us it’s funny that Lea is being so nice all of the sudden but that there was a power struggle between the two because they both have balls. Double ick.

Bleach Blondie tells us that Lea does have an interest in girls so maybe that does make her a lesbian but she doesn’t know because she’s not a lesbian doctor. Super Glue and fast please.

Oh jeez, they are all sitting outside on the dock talking about how even though they fight and bicker and do bad things to each other, it’s made them closer. I am so hating life right now. Where’s the hatred? The foul names? The weave pulling? Ugh.

If you are thinking “What a crock of shit” so am I.

There is just love love love everywhere. I may puke. Again.

Back at the house, Kiki has arrived for her booty call with Esther. They head out to the pool but Esther acts like she’s never seen water before. Finally she gets in with Kiki. The next morning Kiki gets the boot and Esther runs upstairs to tell Lea that Kiki thinks she’s fuckable. Lea starts screaming about how she only gets hit on by lesbians and wants to know if she has lesbian written on her forehead.

Yep.

Lea continues to scream that she likes sweaty penii or something and then Esther tells us that she misses Lea and considered her her BFF. Aha! I smell a tantrum coming. Let me fast forward through the boring shit.

Elsewhere in the house Trigger is talking on the phone with Batshit who tells her to stay strong and don’t let the others talk shit about her girlfriend.

Upstairs out on the porch area Esther is asking Trigger and her mate if they are going to have kids. They’ve been together 6 months. They start saying some shit about getting their brothers sperm and using it. Uhhhhhhhhhhh…..eeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Esther being the voice of reason for once, says she would just find a guy have him whack it and stick it in and bust a nut and be done with it. Lovely. Sounds like my first marriage. Wait gotta barf again.

OK Trigger and L-Warren hit the town and during dinner L-Warren gives Trigger an engagement ring. Wait, a promise ring.

How…………..sweet.

I just have one question.

Why is there a dildo strapped to her drink?

Back at the house Bleach Blondie’s best friend Sean has come to visit and everyone screams. She says he is a very positive happy person and she’s so glad he’s there. Ha! He’ll be ready to slit his wrists if he stays there too long.

Out to a club everyone but the two love buzzards go. Fun fun fun. And then this.

Awwww, Esther misses Lea.

Uh oh. I smell psycho Esther about to pounce.

Ya know that Twilight Zone theme? Insert here.

Restraining order time.

SECURITY!

On and on it goes with Lea saying that Esther hurt her too and she feels Esther is not the same.

Good luck with that.

Lea tells us she doesn’t hate Esther and isn’t trying to be malicious but she doesn’t trust her. She walks away and starts dancing with Bleach Blondie.

Back at the love buzzards, L-Warren tells Trigger she knows she is a Bad Girl but she believes she can be trusted and change her cheating ways. Trigger isn’t so sure.

At the house Esther is drunk off her ass and is outside talking to Strawhead. She stutters and slurs and tells Strawhead that Lea has changed and she always tries to flip it in her. Suddenly Esther decides she wants to break the window.

Dis winnow haz beens plottin’ on me. I mush keel it.

Strawhead stops her and Lea comes running outside to find out what the hell is going on. Lea pushes Esther into a chair and Esther has become all snot nosed and crying and tells Lea it’s because she refuses to forgive her. Lea tells her basically it’s her problem and her consequences and Esther starts screaming that Lea isn’t even trying to forgive her and Erica and others have to get in between them because Esther has gone full blown whacko mode.

Yoos not tryings to fuhgives me.

That bitch loves to throw shit when she is drunk.

Esther keeps screaming incoherent bullshit while trying to tear the house apart as usual. That should win Lea’s love. Hey, maybe if you throw her off the balcony she’ll give you a promise ring!

Esther knocks over a table and the idiocy continues. Strawhead tells us that sometimes Esther loves Lea and then she hates her and it makes no sense. Makes perfect sense. SHE’S INSANE!

Bleach Blondie tells Esther she thinks she’s doing all this just to get attention. Wrong move dumbass cause now it’s coming for you.

That is way too much ugly way to up close.

On and on it goes until finally Esther decides to wander off all alone and think. She claims to be thinking that Lea should forgive her but I’m thinking she’s thinking about how to kill her ass and get away with it.

The love buzzards return home and flip their nasty mattress and then crawl under the covers. Trigger tells us that sex with her “girlfriend” was better than normal and now I need to beat my head into a wall until sweet sweet unconsciousness arrives.

The next morning Lea and BB are discussing last nights events. Their conclusion? Esther is psycho and in love with Lea. DUH!

Later as the love buzzards are talking about L-Warren leaving, she starts to cry and says she’s sick to her stomach.

Me too.

She whines some more and then promises that if any of these bitches start with Trigger after she leaves she will kill them. After L-Warren finally leaves Trigger goes and calls her friend to brag about her ring. Then Trigger tells us that L-Warren has to nuts if she thinks she can tell her to stop being a bad girl. You took the freakin ring didn’t ya!

Later outside, Trigger is confiding in Bleach Barbie and Lea about how controlling L-Warren is. BB decides that she shall be Trigger’s mentor because she a lot of herself in her. WTF?

Yeah that’s who I want as my mentor!

Lea tells her that L-Warren wanting her to have her brother’s kid is crazy. No shit! Lea tells Trigger that L-Warren is just using that kid as a way to keep them connected. Again, NO SHIT!

Later Lea and BB go walking at night. They discuss how much they now like Trigger. Sigh. And BB doesn’t believe that Esther will make it all the way to the end although Lea does. BB says she could care less about Esther anymore.

Cut to Esther back at the house talking to Erica about how she doesn’t want to be in Dade County Jail on charges against her filed by Lea. THEN STOP BEING A PSYCHO PUSSY STALKER AND REALIZE WHEN SOMEONE HAS NO INTEREST IN LICKING YOUR NASTY ASS!

Sorry, small rant.

Erica opines that she thinks there is a major fight brewing between Lea and Esther. My God she must be psychic!

Esther tells us that this has been building up and she has a gut feeling that she and Lea are going to brutally fight.

The bomb is ticking folks and there is about to be an explosion.

Until next week,

Love and Smooches,

Cherie