Bad Girls Club:New Orleans

Why must they torture me this way?

As usual BGC likes to start off sometime in the future and then track back. Still I am all excited for this new season. I’m sure it will pass. Ominous music begins to play and then scenes from the darkness with lightning crashing and a full moon. Spooooooky!!!!! I’m not kidding, I’m starting to get scared.

All of a sudden I hear a gravelly voiced bitch screaming “Bitches! I will shave your face off and wear it for Mardi Gras 2012!”

Seriously, I might need my binky.

Suddenly we see the front of the house and then we are inside the house and a crazy bitch is running up the stairs screaming, “Who wrote on my picture? Did you do it? Did you do it?”

Even the house looks a little haunted. Pretty but haunted.

The other girls are hiding under their covers as Psycho continues going nuts. Psycho runs back downstairs and says she feels like some cereal tonight and mixes milk and cereal in a pot and then runs back upstairs and dumps it on some blonde haired girls head, bed and covers.

Methinks there’s gonna be trouble.

Out of the blue there are cops everywhere and the girls seem to either not care or….not care.

Always a good idea to fight with cops. They like it.

Don’t worry that’s just how she wears her makeup.

That my folks all happened before the credits even rolled. Oh and it was 17 days into the show. Now we start from the start. They flash scenes of New Orleans and this one caught my attention.

Quaint no?

Let’s meet the girls twits. First up is Judi from Chicago and she’s 21. Pretty sure she’s the cereal throwing bitch.

Good then come take this curse off my house!

She claims she IS Facebook because she has 5000 friends and she’s an only child and she will not hear the word no.  Moving along…..

She enters the house and does the usual running around screaming and acting like she’s never seen a house before. Below the staircase the pictures of the other girls are hanging.

Hard to tell who to hate just yet.

After she says “I’m on a plantation.” She runs through the house some more and finds, what else, voodoo dolls.

Even the doll is scared.

This crazy bitch is running and talking 900 miles a minute all throughout the house. To the bathroom, bedrooms,hot tub. But the absolute kicker is when she finds a giant voodoo doll wrapped around a stripper pole and claims it for herself.

That’s not a voodoo doll it’s actually a dead Bad Girl from seasons past that has been mummified.

Psycho grabs the life size voodoo doll and kisses it and runs off with it.

From what I’ve seen so far that’s probably the most action she’ll get all season.

Here we go with the “Earlier In The Day”. They show the next girl at the airport. Her name is Priscilla , she’s from New York and she’s 25. She says she’s a tough girl and if someone says something to her she will let them have it.

We’ll see.

She tells us she has always been a bad girl and everyone will want to party with her. Oh and she likes to dance on tables. Yay.

Next up is Natashia. She tells us she does not have time for cattiness and if you have something to say to her then say it. She’s 23 from Huntington Beach, California. They call her………..

I love how they try to look so innocent in their pictures.

She hates fakeness and is all about being real. Excuse me…hahahahahahahahaha!!!

Natashia and Priscilla meet in the limo and make fast friends and decide they are just alike and will be BFF’s forever and ever.

As the limo pulls up, somewhere, a seaplane lands.  Out comes a bitch named Tiara. That’s her first strike. Then she says to us “My motto is, You thought you were the shit until I stepped in the room.” Strike two. I’m hating her already which means I’ll probably love her in the end.

As I said her name is Tiara, she’s 23 from Gary, Indiana.

I thought that title belonged to Flaver Flav.

OH jeez, she has 3 split personalities, Tiara=Conservative,Tracey=Professional side, and T-Dolla From The G=CRAZY. Okie dokie. She says Tracy and Tiara are scared of T-Dolla…………………..I am scared of all three.

 

Tiara makes her way up to Natashia and Priscilla and it’s all hugs and love and crap until a bug flies into Tiara’s mouth and I thought she was having a seizure.

Back at the house Psycho Judi is playing with her big voodoo dolls boobs and talking to her. I think this season might just out do the others. She tells us if her doll wants to smoke or drink she’s gonna. I hope production has nets and tranquilizer guns ready at all times.

If the doll could talk she’d be screaming “SEXUAL HARASSMENT!”

While Judi is making out with her doll, another girl arrives at the mansion. Her name is Angelic and she claims she is sweet to a point but a lot of people misjudge her. She is 21 from the Bronx.

That’s code for she farts a lot.

She claims everyone wants to be her friends and also she is a go go dancer. She says if you can’t dance in heels you are not a dancer. Also, she will kill you in your sleep if you fuck with her.

Inside the house she goes. Psycho Judi greets her with her sidekick and they scream and run around and decide that Angie is a go go dancer and Psycho Judi is a drinker so off they go for a drink. They start discussing fat girls and run to the wall of pics to see who’s fat. They decide that Natasha is “not skinny.” Some are cute and one they decide is a lesbian. Here comes the limo. With the lesbo!

Her name is Shelly and she says if she knows something gets to someone she will poke at it until it swells. Hey that’s what I do to my husband! She is 23 from St.Louis,Missouri. In her pic her hair is blonde and short, her interview it’s black and long and when she gets out of the limo it’s long and blonde. Look people I confuse easily so stop that shit.

Apparently.

She claims she is more verbally abusive than anything so don’t light her fuse. She used to sleep with guys but then slept with a girl and that was that.

The other girls run to meet her screaming all the way. After doing shots they go find Shelly a room and as she passes the wall of photos she hates that they used that picture. Do another shot, you won’t care anymore.

Shelly confirms again that she’s a lesbian and then there is more running around looking at the house.

Another limo arrives and this girl tells us that a bad girl is independent, hot and knows not to back down from a situation. That means she will get the crap beaten out of her frequently. Her name is Tasha, she’s 23 from Miami,FL.

Oh hell a Kim K. wannabe.

She likes to be happy and have a good time and she’s not trashy but she will stand up for herself. She greets the others that are there and they all discover they are all 23 except for Angie who is 21. Angie gets an attitude because Shelly called her a baby, and she tells us she’s from the Bronx and she knows all kinds of things. These people kill me calling someone a baby when she is 2 years younger. You know what I learned in between the ages of 21-23. Nothing! Except maybe a better hangover remedy.

Finally the last limo pulls up with the twits that picked up the girl from the seaplane.

After all the intro’s and screaming and chaos the girls grab drinks and head outside. As Tiara is running outside to catch up with the others she yells,”Rule number one. Don’t touch my shit!” and then promptly busts her ass.

It’s ain’t a party till a drunk bitch busts ass.

After much laughter, Tasha informs us the BGC is gonna take over the world. Good luck with that. This one can’t even stand the fuck up.

Bitch I would suggest flats…or less booze.

There’s enough for me. What’s everyone else gonna drink?

The girls take turns swinging on the pole, practicing pole dancing, hopping up and down in the huge tub. Enjoy it girls, you’ll be hating each other soon enough.

After Psycho Judi yet again makes sure everyone knows that her big doll is HERS ALL HERS! they go outside for some real talk.

Let’s get real y’all, who has herpes?

They start talking about who is single and who isn’t. Shelly says she started talking to someone before she left for here but that they are away fighting for our country. Someone says that’s awesome and Shelly says “It’s miserable.” She says it’s heartbreaking. Someone asks if she’s a nurse or what. She says it’s not a she. Angie says she thought she was a lesbian and Shelly says she is. Hang on, I need duct tape for my head. Shelly says it’s not a guy or a girl but it’s something that can’t be talked about. Someone says “Is it a transvestite?” Shelly replies that it is pronounced “transvesDite.” I need drugs. Lots and lots of drugs.

Moving along, Natasha and Tasha (that is going to get old, I need nicknames quick) go to the phone room and when the try to open the door it completely falls over.

Oh hell they better check to see if Nikki from last season is hiding in the house.

Everyone comes running and laughing and guess who busts ass for the third time?

She shall now be called Bustass.

Back upstairs Psycho Judi hides booze and then she and Angie discuss the other girls. They both think Shelly is cool. Angie and Psycho decide to stick together but Psycho warns her again not to touch her shit because she looks sneaky.

Downstairs they go to make up their own nicknames. I may or may not follow along with these. Shelly decides Natasha will be called “Eyes” because she has eyes to die for. Psycho Judi is “Shy.” Tasha is “Miami” for obvious reasons. Angie is being called “Baby” because she’s the youngest but she hates it. That’s only four girls but I am assuming their attention span is about as short so the girls head out for a night on the town.

They are headed to Bourbon St. Wanna take bets on who barfs first? I say Bustass does. The girls all seem to want to stick together and have “family” time but Psycho has another idea.

I can’t tell if she’s flirting or trying to chase away mosquitoes.

Suddenly the other BG’s notice Psycho is missing. And they aren’t happy.

Probably to a graveyard to get supplies.

Nope she’s just sucking the life force from this dude.

Shelly and the other girls are all pissed off.

In the words of Eddie Murphy:”Ima be where I’m at!”

Shelly decides she wants to room with someone else because she doesn’t want to bunk with that. Psycho could care less. She says they have all the time in the world to get to know each other and she wants some action.

Then get a clue!

They go to leave and climb into the limo but the drama keeps going. “Baby” decides to announce she’s a grown ass woman. OK. Then Psycho starts her shit where she drops names, some I have heard of some I haven’t. It’s pissing off the already pissed off girls. ON and on she goes…”Y’all want to meet Reggie Bush?” on and on and on……….”I’m creole!” “Snoop Dogg!” Psycho tells us she loves to drop names because everyone thinks you are cool. No hon, everyone thinks you are a douche.

Finally Psycho asks if she has done something wrong and Shelly tells her she ditched them. Psycho denies this and Shelly claims tonight was about family and the screaming and palm slapping begins!

Now there’s the BGC I remember.

Psycho takes a wine glass and shatters it further endearing herself to her roommates. Everyone is screaming don’t touch me and finally they are at home and one of them yells, “Who wants pizza?”

Psycho goes upstairs with her Mini-Me voodoo doll, talking to herself the whole way. She’s mumbling “Weak ass ho’s.” AND she’s still dropping names. She’s also unaware of what she did wrong.

While Shelly and Natasha are in confessional, Baby and Psycho sneak up to listen. As Natasha is saying if you have to name drop you “ain’t nobody” Psycho busts in with Mini-Me and all I hear is screaming and the occasional MORE name dropping.

Then Psycho starts pointing Mini-Me’s arm at them and speaking in what I think she thinks is voodoo. They tell her she’s crazy. NO SHIT.

She even keeps doing it while going down the stairs.

Ooooga booooga loooooga!!!!!

Outside Shelly and Priscilla are having a normal conversation. Shocked me too. Shelly is saying it’s a rough transition because where she comes from she’s around gay people all the time. She works at a gay bar.She hangs out with gay people and everyone knows her as Shelly the bartender. Priscilla tells us that she thinks they could have great conversations but that Shelly is bigger and could kick her butt. Way to think on the bright side kid.

Baby(Angie) is upstairs yapping with Psycho and her theory is that the other girls are jealous of Psycho because they don’t want her to shine brighter than them. They decide they are each others “Ride or Die.” How sweet. And creepy.

They make their way to the bathroom and throw someones voodoo doll in the toilet.

Damn it looks even creepier in there!

Someone should find a battery operated one that crawls and wait until Psycho falls asleep and put it at the foot of her bed. Preferably with red glowing eyes.

Psycho,Mimi-Me and Baby go to the kitchen to hash things out with the others. Baby wants to know everyone’s point of view.

Shelly and Psycho starts playing tug of war with Mini-Me and it’s getting rough. Psycho ends up back on her counter and keeps screaming not to touch her voodoo doll.

Now Shelly is all up in her face begging her to hit her while Psycho starts her chanting again. Priscilla is behind Shelly and Natasha is covering the other side.

Psycho finally pulls free busting her ass in the process but she hops up and yells, “I won.” So Shelly spits on her.

This voodoo doll is making them all nuts. I want one.

Baby throws the pizza on the floor and then gets in Tasha’s face. That settles down and then Shelly goes and gets Psycho’s picture, rips it off the wall and stomps it.

Maybe Mini-Me can fix it with a spell.

Baby explains that she popped off because she is tired of the arguments and it wasn’t directed at anyone. They are up in the bathroom and just discovering the voodoo doll in the toilet while Psycho is downstairs spitting on the pizza and rubbing Mini-Me’s hair across it.

I will never eat pizza again!

While the rest of the house goes to eat their pizza, Psycho and her buddy are tucking themselves into bed. Psycho is talking to her doll the entire time. She is very proud of herself for pissing off the whole house.

Crazy bitch.

Downstairs the girls start eating their pizza. I may gag.

OMG THERE IS SPIT ALL OVER THAT!!!!!!!

I feel faint!

That shit should NOT be allowed. That’s hideous. I’m not even going to trust my own family now!

As Psycho tells Mini-Me that they are eating her spit pizza, she leaves the room. Shelly takes this opportunity to go to Psycho’s room and gather up some of her shit and throw it in the hot tub. This makes Psycho go over to Shelly’s picture and try to pull it off the wall but can’t.

Baby comes down and Psycho warns her NOT to eat the pizza because she spit on it. For some reason that makes Baby go and punch in Tasha’s pic.

Drunk folks sure are fun.

Outside Shelly is telling Prissy (tired of typing Priscilla) that you are supposed to kick it with your roomies the first night out and blah blah blah. Baby walks up and wants to know what the big deal is. They tell her she is the only one being nice to the psycho bitch and it makes her look weak. Her response?

I’m surprised it’s not her thumb.

She keeps saying she’s not a baby and they tell her to prove it and she wants to know how lol! Baby decides she will do whatever she wants to do….after the other girls leave.

Inside Tasha and Natashia are bonding over their signs and other bullshit. Then Baby comes in and she and Tasha have a talk and in the end Baby admits to punching her picture out and says she is sorry and will fix it. Tasha goes upstairs and Baby attempts to fix it and then throws it on the floor, stomps it and pours beer on it.

They decide to figure out who’s sleeping where and Baby and Natashia decide to sleep in the same bed because they like it like that. Tasha wants her own bed.

Down in the kitchen Shelly,Psycho and Prissy are arguing about who is craziest in the house. Shelly tries to grab Mini-Me and it’s on. Nastasia tries to get in between them but it’s a losing battle. Prissy thinks it’s hilarious and then the producers show a black and white spoof of the girls that you’ll just have to see for yourself.

Tiara(Bustass) decides it’s time for a prayer.

AMEN!

The fighting resumes upstairs while Psycho is talking about all the people she knows and Shelly tells her no one likes her and Psycho informs her that they all just ate her spit. News travels fast and so does revenge.

Hell that’s probably exactly what she wants.

Psycho then gathers up Mini-Me, her purse and a blanket and goes and climbs into the hot tub where Shelly threw her shit earlier. Prissy tries to talk to her but damn, who could?

One Swam In The Cuckoo Tub.

Prissy keeps asking Psycho why she thinks she’s not being real with her and Psycho says it’s because Prissy kept popping off at Mini-Me but Prissy says NO Mini’Me kept popping off at her……think about that for a sec. There is a whole house full of crazy this season. Thank The BGC Gods!!!!

Oh jeez it will not end. Psycho tries to make amends by asking the girls to have a smoke with her and they are still pissed off and Nastasia gets in her face and tells her she still has more FaceBook friends than Psycho and suddenly it’s a free for all. The producer runs in and grabs Shelly I think.

In the end someone hit Psycho so they are sending Shelly, Tasha and Prissy to a hotel. Let me get this straight, you can spit human waste on peoples food just don’t hit them. I give up.

Psycho has decided that this is her house and while the other three are gone cooling off she decided to put wet hair,food,broken glass and all kinds of shit in what she thinks is Shelly’s bed but it’s actually Tasha’s bed.

Holy crap kids, I think we might have an actual fun season this year. It sure started off with enough crazy!

Until next week,

Love & VooDoo Smooches,

Cherie