Well here we are again. Perez has to mention that this is his 3rd year hosting and since it’s my 3rd season recapping, I guess that means it’s our anniversary. WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY DIAMONDS????
Never mind I don’t want to know.
Perez tells us that these ladies took bad to the next level. If you consider gross and mostly boring to be the next level, then I agree. Out comes the last four standing. Yay.
After the twits all kiss Perez and take a seat, he actually says,” O.M.G. you ladies are ruthless.” Laughs all around.
Perez first turns to Trigger and tells her she’s even more tanned in person and she tells him he is too pale.
Soon she’ll just be charcoal.
Perez starts to talk about the last episode and Lea is already running her mouth. She’s all “Let’s do it. I’m ready.” Perez says “me too. High five.” Gag me now please. Better yet gag Lea.
As Perez tries to intro the last scene where the twits are dog piling Trigger, Lea just keeps saying “Let’s do it!” SHUT IT BITCH.
Cut to the limo scene where we all saw what happened. Strawhead said some shit about Trigger’s whack ass girlfriend and Trigger jumped across the limo at her and the others took this opportunity to start beating her from all sides.
Nothing like a good kidney punch when you know the other person can’t hit back.
This dude in the audience cracked me up with his reaction.
Bet he’s getting a woody right now.
On and on this beating goes until security finally steps in and even then it takes a while to break it up. Strawhead is laughing her ass off as she watches this but this dude in the audience has just realized something.
Hey! This isn’t the Oprah show!!!!
It continues to amaze me that people come to be in the audience and then act like the only violent thing they’ve ever seen was Tom & Jerry.
After the clip Trigger says at least she wasn’t the one with the black eye and Strawhead chirps that she didn’t have one either and that Trigger wasn’t there to see it because she was sent home. Methinks she just told on herself and her black eye.
Trigger and Strawhead go back and forth about each one being fake and Trigger tells her she’s the only one who has stood on her own the entire time. She says something about throwing bleach on Lea and Lea jumps in and reminds her that she didn’t throw bleach on her. Perez just sits there quietly.
Erica jumps in and claims that she and Strawhead protected Trigger. Huh? WHEN? Hard to protect someone with a dick in your mouth and or while sleeping.
Oh I see, Erica also known as SpongeAss HerpLips, says “We picked up your shit after it was thrown down the stairs.” Oh wow, remind me to call her if ever I am being attacked by laundry.
Finally Perez wakes from his coma and asks them why they jumped Trigger in the limo. Strawhead (who’s hair seems to have discovered conditioner or a wig) says they didn’t jump her. She claims she was just looking out the window when Trigger pounced. Uhhh not quite. Trigger did pounce but you two had been arguing and if you were stupid enough to gaze out the window then too bad.
They all start screaming and Perez pulls out some tiny little bell that wouldn’t get a rats attention and before you know it, out come the security guards.
I think Perez hid under the couch.
As the twits are being pulled back by security, Trigger shouts that she will fuck Strawhead up again and Strawhead yells,”Shut the fuck up Oompa Loompa, sit down clown.” Can we get some duct tape please?
Perez calls Strawhead on the fact that she’s all of the sudden sassy when she wasn’t that way on the show. She claims it’s because she’s cool as hell. “You can aks them.”
Perez asks Strawhead if she lied to Lea about Trigger talking trash and Trigger screams yes, while Strawead says no. Perez says “Don’t lie to Perez.” He tells her that she used Lea to do her dirty work.
Now Lea chimes in with how everyone wants to use Lea as their muscle because they all want Lea to do their talking and Lea is not about motherfucking talking! And she’s clapping her hands together the whole time. I guess she thinks it makes her look more tough. Speaking of how she looks.
She looks like she’s going on a USO tour during World War II.
Perez asks her what she is about and she says if anyone wants to say anything to her they better say it to her face and she will handle it asap! Ugh.
Perez leans around her and directs his attention to Erica but he calls her Hayden Panettiere. Ha! If Hayden was 30 years older and had been hit by a bread truck. SpongeAss Herplips replies that she’s 25 not 12. No shit.
Perez tells her he really liked her on the show, the first episode, maybe the second as well. Then he says, “But you didn’t do much!” Laughs all around. Cut to clips of SpongeAss Herplips sleeping, yawning and fucking her boyfriend. Then all of the sudden we see the clip where she spits in Triggers face. Perez asks her why she didn’t step it up sooner. She admits that she fell back way too soon but that’s not her and that’s why she’s here and if any of these bitches want to get cute she will handle her business.
Trigger jumps in and tells her that the show is over and if she was going to do anything she would have done it then. Good point. Strawhead jumps in and says, “Bitch shut the fuck up you sound stupid.” She too is clapping her hands together as she yaps. Ooohhhh I’m scared y’all. Perez says he wishes he had seen more of this version of Strawhead during the show. Trigger calls her weak and here we go again with everyone jumping up and security rushing the stage. Only this time Trigger and Strawhead actually touch hands before security gets to them. The audience is in shock.
Oh for fucksake really?
Security finally drags a shoeless Strawhead offstage and makes her sit in the audience lol. The whole time she is still screaming at Trigger and Perez gets his little bell out and tells her to shut it.
Perez tells us that the girls headed off to Key West where it was supposed to be drama free but for one girl not so much. Lea’s stupid ass mumbles “Fo sho.” For fucksake someone throw her off a building. Perez then introduces BB but he says “Lets get this big tittied girl out. Please welcome the spoiled diva out that everybody loves to hate, Kristen!”
Still hate the bangs.
Perez welcomes her and kisses her and tells her he loves her hair and then asks if it’s a wig. Lea mumbles “Looks like it.” Shut the fuck up you Bride of Frankenstein looking disease.
Perez starts to intro the best clip I’ve ever seen but Kristen says “I was there, but I wasn’t really there.” and petrie dish Lea says “When are you ever there?” When do you ever shut up?
I’m using this as wallpaper on my computer.
Here goes Lea with, “How does that feel? Let’s do it again bitch.” Cut to the clip of BB coming back to the house and reading her letter and Lea dropping the fan near her feet.
Lea’s reaction while watching…
Yes you stink and the flower isn’t covering the smell.
Lea starts yelling about wanting a replay and BB starts to apologize to Lea again and Lea interrupts her and tells her not to come at her with that fake ass shit. Perez tells Lea she must still be hurt and Lea says no she’s pissed. BB tells Lea she knows she probably wants to hit her again but she is not going to come out there and say “Yeah bitch I was fake to you…” SpongeAss HerpLips jumps in with “Yeah because you have no one in your corner now.” BB says she doesn’t need anyone in her corner.
Perez tells Lea she has trouble forgiving. Lea says it’s not about forgiveness it’s because she’s “too honest.” Excuse me..hahahahahahahahahahahaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BB tells her it’s because she wants to look tough and Lea says no you do. Oy. Lea jumps up, slowly and starts waving her stupid arm in the air and says that every time BB gets into a fight she has someone to have her back. And she moves very slowly so that the security guards can come “grab” her.
They push her back to her seat and BB says she isn’t going to fight Lea and Lea says it’s because she’s a soft ass bitch. As BB is trying to tell Lea she was never mad at her, Lea threatens to throw her shoe at her. Lea jumps up again and tells BB she fucked her up so bad she was in the fetal position and yet another security guard pulls her back. Then Lea start yacking about BB’s fake tits, nose etc. BB admits to her fake boobs and says they are saline and much safer. Everyone laughs. SpongeAss Herplips jumps in with “What about your face, your nose, your lips your chin? BB tells her to go look at her baby pics on Oxygen. Lea then tells the world that BB’s boobs look like they had a C-section. Finally Perez jumps up and grabs some sort of spray and Lea gets in his face and basically dares him to.
Spray her! Spray her!!!!!
Lea tells him she is a respectful ass bitch and for him to not disrespect her. He denies that he is. He tries to get her to sit and another security dude comes closer and she tells him she is not Natalie and he can’t spray her with a water gun or silly string and she keeps yapping about “DO NOT DISRESPECT ME!”
And then she says this.
Well that’s not very respectful.
Perez asks her if she’s respecting him now and she says she is trying to but he won’t let her finish her sentence. He tells her he heard her and they both sit down.
Lea yells “Roger that!”(WTF) and Perez says “We get it. You don’t want to forgive her.” He then reminds her that it wasn’t all bad times. She admits that she did care about BB but it’s her fakeness that made her hate her and she’s DONE! Then she says “But if that bitch gets cute, it’s on!” Oh suck a hobo you lame ass twit.
Perez explains that BB is just sitting there like a puppy and not trying to get cute. Lea is like “OMG we have another puppy, where’s Kayleigh?” From what I’ve heard she’s living with you skank. BB tries to apologize again and again SpongeAss HerpLips wakes up and says some shit about her apologizing for not being able to keep her name out of her mouth. One who constantly has “something” in their mouth should not throw stones………..
Oh look there’s no dick in her mouth!
SpongeAss HerpLips claims that BB was always talking about her and she looked obsessed with her. Bitch, NO ONE was obsessed with you.
Perez reminds her that she threw the first shot when she threw her drink on her and she admits it but says after that they were cool. That she did her hair and stuff and then she saw the footage and wishes she had burned her hair off her head. She says BB called her fat a lot and that she was born with this body and it is what it is. Perez says,”You like to pop your bottom a lot.” He tries to get her to do it a lot and she won’t. Guess she’s saving it for the porno. Since she won’t do it Perez hops on the floor and does it.
Not his first rodeo I presume.
Perez next tells us that one roommate in particular was driven to absolute insanity. Gee I wonder who he could mean?
After all that Perez finally intro’s Esther.
Damn she looks almost…pretty.
Perez tells her that she gets angry a lot and asks her if she’s working on her issues. She says she does and she is. After seeing herself on tv it did something to her.She admits to making mistakes in the house but she says it’s a part of being in the house and no one knows what it’s like to be in that house.
He then asks her why she attacked Lea. Was it because she was in love with her? She says she doesn’t fall in love easily but that Lea was hot and she was the closest to her.
Just what she needs, an ego boost.
Esther explains that it also wasn’t just one sided. She and Lea kissed and flirted and as it turns out, what wasn’t seen on the show was that she also made out with Erica and Kayleigh. And most shocking of all is that these two are now good friends. Lea tells Esther “I love you bitch.” I’m gonna hurl.
Esther also admits to being jealous of BB and Lea’s friendship and her calmness is freaking Perez out. I think she’s on meds. Perez asks her what drove Lea to move out of their room and Esther says she is very hard to deal with. No shit. Perez asks Lea if she has forgiven Esther for the married men comment. Lea asks Esther if she can “Keep it real.” Esther says “All day, every day.”
Lea says it takes one to know one, because Esther is a stripper and she does take her clothes off for married men. Esther interjects and says she was a stripper, WAS.
Suddenly BB tells Lea it’s none of her business causing Lea to lose it and shout “Ain’t nobody talking to your Barney ass bitch in your Barney ass dress.” BB tells her she isn’t going to fight her and and tries to say something else but Lea completely loses it and starts screaming at her to shut the fuck up. Perez tells her to let everybody talk.
The next thing you know Perez and Lea are yelling at each other about whose the baddest and she says she’s from Miami and he says I am from Miami too! And then this starts.
It’s about damn time.
Yeah you already said that.
Uhhh I thought you were from Miami.
It’s official, I love him again.
She says some shit that isn’t sub titled and he says something and then he asks if she’s done and they high five each other. What.Ever.
He says “She’s giving me a little Natalie Nunn today.” Lea rolls her eyes but it’s Esther who loses her shit. Perez asks if she like Natalie and she rolls her eyes and says she has never seen a bitch try so hard to ride the coattails of season 5 and that her season is over, go the fuck home and stop blogging about her bitch! She goes on to say she hates that bitch, that she doesn’t run L.A. and she hopes to see her ass on the streets of L.A. She also says “That bitch don’t run shit, her chin runs from her.” Hahahahahahahahahaha!
Guess those meds wore off.
Perez is as happy as the time he got his first Barbie Doll, wait make that Ken Doll and he says that this is the Esther he remembers. She keeps on and says she will whoop her ass then says “We’ll see who runs L.A. after this bitch.” Perez says “I run L.A., we’ve already established this.”
Oh hell he’s changing the subject to Trigger and her “girlfriend”. He says he uses the word “girlfriend” loosely. And she’s in the audience. Cut to scenes from when L-Warren visited the house all drunk off her ass.
Damn she almost looks like a girl.
Then Perez shows some of Trigger’s bad behavior.
Somebody’s in trouble.
Then they show Trigger making out with Natalie and then the phone call where Trigger tells L-Warren that they are breaking up and she has made out with other people. Apparently L-Warren drinks a lot because she looks like this is new information to her.
Yep, your girlfriend’s a whore.
L-Warren tells Perez that she and Trigger are always on and off and by the way she liked seeing Natalie and Trigger kiss. Right now they are together but Trigger doesn’t have the promise ring . L-Warren says she’ll get it back when they are good.
Perez then asks what her impression is of the other girls. She seems to like them all except Erica who she tells, “If you mess with my girl you mess with me.” Erica mumbles “Whatever.” L-Warren says “Yeah just be quiet like you did the whole time.” Everyone else she thought was cool.
Now it’s time to relive the night Trigger got doused with every liquid in the house until she threw bleach on Bb. I still laugh at BB’s screaming “BLEACH! She threw bleach on me!” They also talk about Trigger constantly calling Lea a lesbian. Cut to scenes of Lea making out with girls as she is saying she is not a lesbian.
Perez cracks up at BB screaming in the shower and tells her she was practically melting. BB says “there was some chemical warfare going on there definitely.” Perez asks Trigger why she went ballistic and she tells some shit about how she has an opinion and they battled it out and now they are cool.
Yes Lea, everyone in the world wants you.
Oh hell, Lea asks if she can be honest and Perez says we’ve already established that she can be honest. Miss Ego says that she believes that the reason they didn’t get along was that basically Trigger wanted Lea to like her. Trigger denies this. Again Trigger repeats that they battled it out and it’s done. Perez asks if she still thinks Lea’s a lesbian and she laughs and says “Maybe..no..no.” Lea says “You want me to be.”
BB finally notices that Strawhead is in the audience and freaks. Strawhead says it’s to keep her away from Oompa Loompa.
More boring talk about Trigger and BB’s relationship until finally Esther breaks this shit up and says “I have never in my entire 26 years of living heard of anybody throwing bleach on bitches!”
You’ve obviously never been to one of my family reunions.
Moving on, BB asks Lea if she knows why she thinks she’s fake. Lea immediately jumps up and says some shit about how she can’t hear sitting down.
I guess breast implants cause hearing loss when sitting.
BB tells Lea she is fake because the whole time in the house all Lea did was talk trash about Kayleigh and now they live together. Perez is shocked and Lea confirms that Kayleigh is her roommate.
Now we get to hear Lea’s convoluted reasoning behind not liking Kayleigh in the house but becoming her roomie outside the house and it all boils down to it being BB’s fault because she is fake. I am so tired of this conversation.
This all culminates into Lea losing her shit when BB called her a bimbo. Security! I think Lea was actually able to smack her on the head a little before being dragged away.
This is getting seriously old.
Lea then grabs a tray but before she can throw it security has her again and off the stage she goes. Shoeless.
Be careful, wouldn’t want to pop one of her new boobs.
Lea keeps yelling that she only called her a bimbo after she was being held back. Nope, she called you a bimbo and a whore who sleeps with married men before you were being held back. Now please go the fuck away.
Backstage Lea is still screaming about fucking her up and wants her shoes and blah blah blah. Oh and she needs to smoke a cigg stat!!!
Perez tells us that Lea is trying to run the reunion. He then asks BB if she thinks Lea ran the house. That would be a big NOPE. He asks who did run it. She says she did at some points but then again at other points others ran it. Erica rolls her eyes.
Perez then asks if BB stole Lea away from Esther on purpose because she is cold and calculating. BB asks how and Perez says “You stole Esther’s money!”
Don’t make me get Nancy Grace on your ass!
BB claims it was all a joke. That she thought it would be funny if she planted the money in Erica’s bed so she would be sent home. Erica says, “Then where’s the money?” BB says she doesn’t know. But she says she did not steal her money.
Out comes Lea. Again. She walks in and announces “Bitches I’m motherfucking back.” Kiss my ass you skanky dog.
Oh sheesh here come Dani and Kayleigh. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Perez tells them that they both have something in common, they are both quitters.And he tells them that Bad Girls don’t quit. Dani denies this. She didn’t quit she was just “over it” and left. Someone get this girl a dictionary.
Perez calls Erica out on calling Dani weak even though she was her best friend in the house. Erica explains she felt betrayed when Dani left.zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Perez then asks Lea why she and BB turned on Dani. Lea says they never did have a steady road. Dani pipes in that they did have their fun. Thanks for the reminder. Now I need to puke.
BB starts to say she never really had anything against Dani and Lea, as usual jumps in and says “Bitch you don’t have anything against anyone because everyone is going to beat your ass today.” As BB tries to tell Lea this is none of her business, Lea just keeps shouting, skank,slut,whore and the topper “Your Daddy doesn’t even love you.”
BB says her family business has nothing to do with this even though she talked about it on the show, it has nothing to do with now. Kayleigh grows a pair and says “Bitch your family raised you to be a dumb bitch.”
And yours raised you to be a quitter.
She rants on some more and then finally Perez turns it back to BB and says that she acts like a pageant queen and some might think she’s dumb but she’s not. Erica almost gave herself whiplash reacting to that. Perez says BB stood her ground even in Jamaica. They show the clip of the crazy Jamaican woman who was threatening to bust BB’s ass and shoot her and BB yelled right back at her.
Ahhh, the good old days.
This seems to be the turning point of when BB turned on Kayleigh. She expected her to have her back and she didn’t so she decided she was DONE with her.
Cut to all the scenes of destruction of Kayleighs crap and Kayleigh and BB arguing and then Kayleigh leaving Jamaica only to return to Miami.
Perez asks her why she went back to Miami. She says she felt betrayed by her best friend in the house and she was gonna prove that she can’t be walked over. Ha! As soon as the others came back you quit dingbat. Perez asks if she and BB are cool now and she says God no.
Perez asks why she turned against Kayleigh and she says because she didn’t think she deserved to be there.
Did she get taller?
Kayleigh tells BB that she acted like her friend the whole time and talked shit behind her back. Lea jumps in a blurts some shit about BB being fake. Dani calls it all bullshit and Perez basically tells Lea to shut it because it’s between Kayleigh and BB.
BB once again tries to explain her reasoning and Kayleigh interrupts her and BB tells her to “calm down, this isn’t Jerry Springer, act like a lady.”
Kayleigh is on her feet and tells BB she acted like a dumb slut and a bunch of other shit like how she comes on here trying to act better than she is and she ain’t shit.
Perez asks “Where was this Kayleigh during the show?”
BB continues by saying Kayleigh didn’t deserve to be there because she never stood up for herself. Kayleigh immediately has a shit fit and wants to know who didn’t she stand up to. Dani chimes in that she stood up to BB 5 times. Go away Dani, I’m sleepy enough.
Perez tells them to drop the claws and then asks Kayleigh if she was misunderstood in the house. She says yes. She has better things to do than get drunk every night and watch crazy bitches fight. Then why didn’t you go to a nunnery instead of the BGC you stupid bitch?
When Kayleigh whines about being there for 3 weeks and that being enough, Perez tells her that that is lame as hell. Ha! Kayleigh tells him he hasn’t done it and he said he wouldn’t. Then he said why sign up for the BGC and then be a Lame Girl.
Cut to footage of Kayleigh semi trashing the house and saying fuck you girls and leaving.
BB says they are not cool with each other and then points to Lea and says you two weren’t cool at all with each other in the house. BB tells her she can’t stand on her own two feet. So Kayleigh hops up and goes over to BB and says some shit about coming there by herself whether or not anyone had her back and she would still be acting the same way.
Kayleigh is getting closer and closer to BB and she tells BB “You punk’d me dude. You dogged me on national television and I don’t give a fuck, I don’t give a fuck…..” She punches BB right in the face.
That’s weird, no security in sight.
Take a look at Perez’s face in the background.
Security is now grabbing every girl in sight and dragging them away.
Put her in a dumpster.
To be continued…………
Love and Smooches,