There’s a new girl arriving y’all. Dickie can’t wait because she wants someone new to fuck with but Cuntucky wants to give the girl a chance. Here she comes now.
Bet she’s the purtiest thang you ever did see!
There’s a reason I don’t gamble.
Holy orange schnozolla Batman!
The Orange Schnozz tells us that she’s a lot of fun. She likes to get crazy and be naked and wild. Oh and she glows in the dark too. They show a clip of her asking her parents if she should go to the BGC and her Dad lets out a “OH YEAH!” that sounds a little too creepy and pornish.
Her real name is Jennifer and she is 21 from New Jersey. Ya don’t say! She says she gets what she wants when she wants it no matter what she has to do. Oh she’s a ho, I am so shocked. She tells us she has no filter on her mouth and I’m guessing not one on her spray tan urges either.
In the house she goes and meets Cuntucky and Dickie. Fist pumps all around bro! Dickie decides to play nice since they have bonded and upstairs Miss Schnozz goes to meet the other witches. Char introduces the girls and refers to Dickie and Cuntucky as “the beasts downstairs.”
Char being mature on the couch.
At first the girls are all bummed because she is from Jersey but she assures them she isn’t a typical Jersey shore, guido dating girl. Woof Woof is all excited because she is not the only fugly ass ho in the group anymore.
Dickie takes off to pick up her best friend Daniel from the airport.
Yikes! It’s like Dickie if she was feminine.
The plan is to go out and get hammered. First they go back to the house and Cuntucky is worried that she might get drunk and make out with the wrong one. It’s easy to tell them apart, one of them has a penis and the other one is Daniel. Daniel goes up to Char and Woof and introduces himself. Char decides she’s not going to be rude but since he’s friends with Dickie she doesn’t think anything of him.
Char “not being rude.”
Back to the Schnozz. She is making up her bed with Playboy silk sheets. It’s the only thing she sleeps on. She says she is obsessed with Playboy and has auditioned for them. Excuse me a sec….hahahahahahahahaahhahahaahha! Girl please. You better take your ass down to Petsmart and hope for some catalogue work.
If you see this on the cover of Playboy, you’ll know Hef is dead.
She’s been on Playboy tv and she’s partied at the mansion too. Dickie tells her not to mention this to Botox because she will rip her a new one. I’m sure that’s been done several hundred times already. Schnozzie is aware that Botox has modeled for Playboy before.
As everyone is getting ready to leave for the night, Char tells her minions that “they” are going to try and push their buttons but just put a smile on you face and have a good time. They all pile into the limo together. At the club they start dancing and drinking and I’ve noticed Dickie always has two drinks at any given time. WTF? Schnozzie and Boobs start grinding on each other and then we see Cuntucky saying Howdie to a dude.
What the hell happened to just saying hello?
Schnozzie has snagged a dude but she is telling him she remembers him from when she auditioned for Playboy. Turns out he’s a producer for Playboy. What are the odds?
It’s ok lil’ boy, she scared me at first too.
He decides they should do a Bad Girls themed audition. But, he doesn’t want all seven girls because, well, some of them are fucking uglier than others. She and Woof pretty much top the list so why he’s talking to her I do not understand.
Turns out they are sitting next to a table full of Playmates and a casting director. They pull Botox aside and Boobs. Botox is soooo excited because she herself is a Playmate. Not exactly but she was in some sub catagory having to do with being fresh and natural. She tells us that was before her boob job.
I’m not fresh or natural now.
Next thing you know some of the playmates are making out with Boobs and Schnozzie. It’s not pretty at all.
Char-Monster comes running out of the dark asking what you bitches doing. She’s smiling which means there is trouble brewing. Cuntucky tells us Char cannot stand that Schnozzie is getting all this attention. Yuck, now Boobs and Schnozzie are sucking face.
Char decides it’s time to leave and Schnozzie tells her producer friend that she will call him. Out to the limo they go. Right off the bat Char starts some shit by saying there are 7 bitches that live in the house “whether they matter or not I don’t know.” This cracks up Daniel and that pisses off Char who tells him to keep laughing.
Daniel tells her he’s laughing with her and she goes into that scary ass smiley faced part of her act and tells him she’s glad.
Char’s glad face.
Suddenly she’s yelling towards Dickie and Cuntucky about them going onstage and calling out her name. Flash back to the Kimberly Cole concert where Batshit asked who the other Bad Girls were and they yelled “NOBODIES!” They didn’t “call” out her name. But Char-Monster is on a roll and tells them she knows they are intimidated by her and that they should be because she’s beautiful and Dickie looks like a man in a dress and Cuntucky looks like she’s nine months pregnant. She claps her hands together and yells “Go save some whales you beluga!”As they ignore her ass she gets that vein popping face going and tells Cuntucky she is from Kentucky which is like, the smallest state in the world. Dickie tells her Rhode Island actually is and Char starts yelling about her saying goofy shit. To come at her with some real shit. That was some real shit you delusional psychotic whackafuckingdoo.
As they come inside the house Char is clapping her hands and yelling up the stairs, “No one will say shit to me! Why? You weak ass ho’s!”
They are right behind you psycho.
Char keeps ranting and Cuntucky is about to lose it. Char starts yacking about them talking under their breath and yells “Hold on I can’t hear you!” and runs downstairs. She runs through the whole fucking house looking for them and when she finds them Cuntucky has had enough and asks her where her followers are. Since Woof is one of them, she automatically takes offense and calls her a hillbilly.
Here I am!
Woof is pissed and says she ain’t no follower and then proceeds to follow I mean fight Char’s battle for her.
You know her breath stinks.
The fight gets heated and Woof actually hits Cuntucky in the tater and then Char and Woof are charging her.
No following going on here.
The sort of fight goes on until security comes in and drags Woof away. Woof then throws a platter against the wall to show how strong and independent she is. Once Woof is gone Char comes charging back screaming at Cuntucky to hit her. Char says she won’t because she’s a weak ass bitch. Meanwhile, Cuntucky tells us she loves getting Char to go into the crazy zone because it’s loads of fun.
Behold, the many faces of Char. All of them crazy.
Play wid it!
Char tells Cuntucky she will smash her head through the window. She says do it. Char tells her to “Play wid it.” then tells her they can do this every night. She then tells her that by the time she’s 30 she’s gonna look like, (help me out here folks) Resputia?? No idea what she said and Cuntucky tells her she doesn’t even know who that is. Someone enlighten me please.
CrazyPants Char tells us that Cuntucky wants her out of the house but what she doesn’t realize is that she is so much older and wiser and mature than her and she’s a five year old to her and she doesn’t fight with five year olds. Uhhh, remind me again who started all this shit? I believe that was YOU! Ugh.
Upstairs Woof is telling us that she’s a classy girl. Don’t get it twisted. And she will WANG a bitch.
Dickie meanwhile is being helpful and finds something online that Char is in deep need of.
You’ll need one of those poles with the rope on the end too. And some flea spray.
Char stops in her tracks and says “I would advise you to shut up.” Daniel is laughing and says “She’s funny. Then Char says “Like Mohammed Ali said, rotate baby.” Cuntucky yells “Mohammed Ali said rotate it!” Daniel starts making fun of Char’s “Play wid it and rotate it.”
Finally this night ends. The next morning as Woof walks past Dickie and Daniel, Daniel smiles and waves and Woof ignores him. This prompts him to say everyone is evil there and he doesn’t think he’s ever been denied a wave before. I like him.
Upstairs Boobs and Schnozzie are talking about the fighting but they mainly care about the Playboy guy. Meanwhile Char and Botox are looking at Botox’s pictures.
Before her boob job my ASS!
Botox tells us she has no problem taking her clothes off because she has done it before.
Upstairs Dickie and Daniel are on one bed and Cuntucky on the other when Daniel falls between the bed and the wall. Again.
I want him to be a Bad Girl.
He then shows us what Char looks like. Like a dragon.
I miss him already.
As he leaves he tells them they are awesome lol. Later on, Char and Woof are sneaking around outside of Dickie and Cuntucky’s room. Dickie is aware of what they are doing and finds it amusing. She and Cuntucky decide to go out alone and take the red jeep.
Once there they realize they should have taken a cab.They decide to leave the car in valet, take a cab home and then come back in the black Jeep in the morning and get the other car. Thus taking both vehicles at the same time and screwing up the other skanks day.
She’s gonna need a new liver.
Back at the house the Playboy dude calls and Boobs answers. He wants them to come in for a test shoot. And by them I mean, Schnozzie, Boobs and Botox. Boobs runs upstairs and tells Schnozzie. Look how excited Char is.
No need to get excited Dragon Lady, they don’t want you.
Char’s jealousy gets loose when she tells us that those three all have similar qualities, they all think they are cuter than they are. MEOW!
The two drunks come home but Cuntucky is the only one puking.
I would have puked on Char.
Boobs starts to worry about being naked in front of people. Char reminds her she’s always naked around them. Botox shows her claws when she tells us that Boobs is cute but she’s not hot.
And you are cockeyed and greasy.
Dickie hears the news and tells Boobs she will win and then does her giggity giggity shit.
Morning comes and Dickie and Cuntucky sneak out with the only car. The three doing the test shoot are left hanging. Char is in confessional and is humming a familiar tune. Then it starts.
This bitch was humming The Amber Show theme. Not only does she have to have followers do her dirty work, she steals retarded shit from past seasons.
Goofy ass ho!
The girls call a cab. It doesn’t show and they are going to be late. Then Schnozzie’s boyfriend calls and when she tells him what she’s about to do he loses it. The cab shows up and she tells him she has to go and he says “I’m going to the shore tonight! Fuck you!”
Schnozzie tells us he’s cheated on her before and they fight a lot so basically she could care less and off they go.
Once there they call them in one by one and ask them stupid questions. When asked if she has any special talents, Schnozzie says “shaking my ass.” The dudes would like a demonstration.
Anything to make her face away from the camera.
They all say similar shit like how they are down for anything and wild and love to party and blah blah blahhhhhhhhhhh. When all is said and done the dude thinks Boobs is the best one. Uh oh, Botox is gonna be pissed. The dudes tell the girls they will call them. Sure.
Back at home Char is asking if they showed their boobs and their crotch.
Try and keep it in your pants Miss Daisy.
Char quickly gets them to stop talking about their fun day by bringing it back to her obsession with Dickie and Cuntucky. Schnozzie jumps on the band wagon and says they(Dickie and Cuntucky) aren’t even doing anything to show that they are Bad Girls, and she says they are immature.
Cuntucky yells from downstairs at she wants someone to come down there and challenge her ass. She screams “Someone please come get in my face!” She tells us their plan is called OCD. Operation Char’s Demise. They want to make her crazy enough to hit them so they can make her go home. Here we go again.
Char comes down and Cuntucky keeps yelling “What are you gonna do about it?” Back and forth they go. Char slaps the desk and says “Rotate ho!” Cuntucky follows her (how ironic) and says she doesn’t need to run anyone to validate her self worth and then she slings her drink on the back of Chars head.
Play wid dat!
Char does absolutely nothing and they start to climb the stairs and yell at each other. Cuntucky starts bumping into Char and Char kinda tries to push her down the stairs. Char tells us she is tired of Cuntucky and her country accent and when she gets to the top of the stairs she says “Holla at me ho!” WTF?
She’s gonna spew flames!
Cuntucky calls her ghetto and says she’s almost thirty. Dickie just watches and laughs. Cuntucky keeps screaming shit at Char. She asks her where the fuck her minions are. Meanwhile Schnozzie is fast asleep and glad she isn’t a part of this drama.
Cuntucky and Dickie move it to the phone room and Cuntucky is still screaming shit. In walks Char trying to make a call to Mommy. As soon as Char asks her mom to help her calm down, Cuntucky puts her finger on the button hanging up the call.
Char tries to make the call again and again Cuntucky hangs it up. Now she has Char’s attention. The veins are popping out of Char’s neck and she tells Cuntucky, “You wanna play? We’ll fucking play.” She climbs on top of the table and screams “Don’t disrespect me when I’m talking to my mother!”
She is seriously gonna have a stroke.
Char then throws a can at Cuntucky’s head and repeats “don’t disrespect me when I’m talking to my Mom ho.” Cuntucky smiles at her. Char sits on the floor mumbling she’s not going home. Cuntucky keeps taunting her and telling her that her troops are asleep and to deal with her now. Char shoves the table at Cuntucky and Cuntucky shoves back.
Now is hardly the time to do crunches Char!
Char finally gets up and leaves as Cuntucky keeps screaming shit. Up the stairs Cuntucky goes and throws Char’s mattress over the balcony.
Finally something other than clothes.
Cut to Char who tells us, with a straight face, that she will argue all day long. But when you touch someone’s things, you have gone to far. REALLY? This from the queen of throwing peoples shit in the pool? Ha!
Char comes into Cuntucky’s room where Cuntucky is laying in bed and tells her not to touch her things. And she first pokes her in the head and then slaps her in the head. Cuntucky jumps up and kicks at her and Char grab’s Cuntucky’s leg and proceeds to drag her out of the room.
Make a wish!
When Cuntucky falls, Char yells “Sit yo ass down somewhere!” LOLOLOLOL. These two are hilarious. Cut to Dickie who tells us Char will never step up to the plate………….shut up Dickie. Dickie is sitting on her ass while Char and Cuntucky are going at it. They end up at another phone and Cuntucky smacks Char a couple of times and Char kicks her.
Violence is never the answer……tee heeee.
This finally ends with Cuntucky grinning in her room and Char crying in a closet.
I should feel bad for her, but I don’t.
Oh hell. Here we go with the victim act. Char has decided that when Cuntucky drinks she’s a different person and it says a lot when someone puts their hands on you. She grew up with an alcoholic parent and she’s been hit by someone who loves her and she thinks Cuntucky has a lot of growing to do.
Char’s victim face.
The next morning Char is telling Schnozzie her version of Cuntucky attacking her. She was just wailing on her for no reason. Schnozzie is shocked and says are they so bored they have to do these things to entertain themselves. Char says Cuntucky needs help. Now Char has all her minions at her side and she says “I don’t know if you’ve ever been hit and like it’s like a violation, like my whole aura is like violated.”
Char’s violated aura face.
Char tells us she will not tolerate someone drinking and hitting her. Has she forgotten she was doing some hitting of her own? Is she really this nuts? Char further tells her minions that she is proud of herself because that is the first time that someone has “physically touched me, and I’m shaking, I have not done anything back.” Hey CRAZYFACE, remember when you were dragging Cuntucky across the room by her leg, or poking her in the head then slapping her in the head? Remember throwing the can at her head? Hello?
Dumbass Woof Woof tells us that Cuntucky wants Char out so bad that she struck for it. Shut up you dingbat. Your ass was asleep. You have no clue what happened. Did any of them stop to ask themselves why Cuntucky was still there is she went all nuts and just beat the hell out of Char?
Char says she’s gonna try and take her mattress upstairs and her minions actually DO IT FOR HER. This tickles the shit out of Dickie and Cuntucky.
Char and her minions go out for drinks. Char’s plan is to get Schnozzie drunk and mad so she will go home and act a fool.
Man she just gets more and more ugly.
When they get back home Schnozzi is good and worked up and enters the house screaming, “BITCHES!” Then she just starts making loud ass noises and slapping Cuntucky’s picture. She hops up on the counters and is dancing around and singing crazy shit. She is shit faced drunk. She starts making fun of Dickie by acting like she’s playing football and she just keeps getting louder and louder.
Dickie and Cuntucky are upstairs getting ready and they ignore her. Schnozzie tells us she is usually a happy drunk but she is getting heated because everything Dickie has said and done is pissing her off. Did I miss something?
Boobs tries to use the phone and can’t hear so she decides that Dickie and or Cuntucky have fucked with it. Schnozzie staggers up and screams “Yo! Who fucked with the phone?” They try to tell her drunk ass that they didn’t do anything to the phone but she starts screaming that it isn’t fucking funny if the phone isn’t working.
Please go pass out somewhere.
Screams galore. Schnozzie tells us she is pissed and ready to punch her lights out. Go for it dwarf. OMG she just keeps screaming and I wish someone would throw her ugly ass in the pool. Botox is impressed with Schnozzie and thanks God that she sees what Dickie and Cuntucky are doing. More trash talk about the two upstairs and then we see this.
They are not going to be happy when they see this show.
Char is yapping about how she feels sorry for Rin and Tin and that they have to be beached beluga whales and not have a good time. Who the hell is Rin and Tin?
Suddenly we see Schnozzie’s naked little orange ass behind Cuntucky at the computer. She’s slamming a water bottle down waiting for her to react.
That’s just sad.
Cuntucky ignores her and so she starts throwing the bottle on the floor. Still nothing. Char meanwhile is in the kitchen whispering to Woof about how amazing it is that someone is going hard at Dickie and Cuntucky. She’s so excited she is about to piss herself.
Schnozzie is hopping around with her boobs loose and punches Dickie’s picture out. It’s broken.
Looks like a bat is trying to crawl out of her ass.
Woof Woof is all, “You gonna have to pay for that.” She says no more” Nikki Nation, giggity giggity, her picture out the game.” Schnozzie tells us she is glad she smashed Dickie’s face because now she doesn’t have to stare at it all the time.
Char’s in the kitchen telling Woof about her self control and the fact that she is using Schnozzie as a pawn.
Dickie is thrilled that she is hated this much and the girl has only been there for two days. But she tells us that “The orange oompa loompa aka Jennifer, is so threatened by the fact that I was the original Jersey girl.” She says what’s going to happen is this broad is gonna get fucked up and she’s gonna run her mouth and she’s gonna end it. They leave us with Schnozzie screaming “The real Jersey is here!”
See y’all next time,
Love and Smooches,